[♪♪♪] -Oh!

-Howdy, folks.

-Oh, we got caught right here.

-Oh, there are some folks dropping in on us here.

Welcome to Cookin' Cheap .

-Yes, it's so good to see you again.

-I can't see anybody.

All I see is just a-- -Oh, no.

You gotta look and see right down that hole right there you can see 'em.

-A blank lens.

Oh, yeah.

-'Cause they got that new fiber optics thing where we can look right into the room.

So they're watchin'.

-I'd cover it, darlin', if I were you.

Okay-- -Especially you woman out in Montana.

I can't believe you'd watch us from where you are right now.

-[laughs] We're gonna have a Block Party today.

-Oh, we are, we are.

For all you blockheads out there, no-- [laughs] -I have a viewer recipe that's a little peculiar, but it's okay.

[laughs] -And I got one that is the recipe from hell.

[laughs] -[Larry laughs] -It took so long yesterday when I was trying to make this thing up to practice on it.

I didn't think it would ever get done.

-Let me do two things and then you can just get started on it.

-Well, I'm just gonna start choppin' an onion, so you go ahead.

-Oh, well I was just gonna start choppin' on somethin' myself.

Well, what I'm gonna do is Italian Beef.

And this is a rather peculiar recipe and I don't know, I've not tried it in advance.

So, maybe it's the greatest thing since Italian Beef.

I don't know.

I can tell you first of all, an Italian Beef from the deli, which is the way you have to buy it, already sliced, rare, is like-- it would be cheaper to go out and buy gold, I believe.

This stuff is not cheap.

But you can make it go a long way and so therefore.

First thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take just some ordinary old-- it says hard bread.

I don't know what that means.

I went out bought some just from the local deli.

And there it is, isn't it real pretty?

But I find this stuff is just a little bit-- how would you describe-- a little squishy inside.

[Laban] I would say it's made out of rubber.

-It's rubberized, is what it is.

So just to sort of get rid of that, I have taken some of 'em and split 'em in half.

You don't have to do this.

You're supposed to serve it on at the end of the deal.

But I'm gonna take 'em and toast 'em a little bit while I'm cooking everything else.

I'm gonna throw that in there and whip it.

And I hope it doesn't burn from here to Dixie, but I'll be honest with you, I don't care.

Now, oh, now first-- -[Laban laughs] -The next thing that happens is we got to take some ordinary, some wonderful spaghetti sauce right off the-- this calls specifically for not homemade spaghetti sauce.

You can make your own spaghetti sauce in about three minutes.

But no, what we're going to do is we're going to go to the supermarket and get some of the ready-made stuff with mushrooms.

And the first thing we gotta do is we gotta start heatin' that up.

So, we're gonna take that.

It says-- calls for a small jar.

I think that's a small jar, so I'm gonna take that and heat it up.

It seemed to work out pretty well proportionately.

And while we're heating that up, then what we have to do now is take a pepper and we're going to clean that up and slice it into-- [Laban] Is that some of Doctor's People?

[laughs] -Yeah, some of Doctor's People, Dr. Pepper.

We're gonna take this.

We're gonna slice it into thin, real little thin slices.

And we're gonna throw that into that to cook for just a little bit.

Although the one I did today, I didn't even have time to do that.

I just put little thin, little slices and stuck it in there between everything else and let's hope it gets done.

But hey, you can eat these raw and they don't kill you, you know.

It's interesting.

So, right now, that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm just gonna start doin' real little thin slices of these things and that's all I'm gonna do for now.

Now, back to Mr. Johnson.

-Oh, well, thank you so much, Mr. Bly.

We sound like end men in a minstrel show.

All right, now what I got here is some good olive oil.

And we're gonna put-- you know, this is healthy oil, folks.

For those of you out there with heart trouble, you wanna use olive oil now because it's polyunsaturated and real good for you.

-No, don't mention heart trouble to me.

-Oh, [laughs] that's right.

I forgot.

-I got that treadmill test in the morning.

That's all I need if I hear you talking about that.

-Oh, that's right.

Bly, yes, it's true, Bly has caught up with me, and the old ticker has gone out on him.

-I have not caught up with you.

You never even began to stay on the treadmill as long as I did the other day.

-Well, what's happened is they searched around the other day, and discovered Bly didn't have a heart.

-[laughs] I knew it was coming.

-And today, came in the stadium-- -[Larry] Stadium?

[Laban] --the station here, skipping along singing "If I Only Had a Heart" like Bert Lahr.

Anyway, one tablespoon of olive oil and this is a medium-sized onion that has been finely chopped.

And I might say finely, both in quantity and quality.

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

-Right here, by yours truly.

[Larry] Sheesh.

-It seems like right smart of an onion but it was truly just a medium onion.

-Now, you say that this is a low-down recipe.

Why do you say that?

-[Laban] What, this?

-Yes.

-Well, it tastes all right.

-Well, let me ask you somethin'.

You have never told anybody to my knowledge, what this is, and I want to know what it is and why it is.

What does it mean?

-Well, it's Risi e Bisi.

-Risi e Bisi.

-Uh-huh.

Brown Risi e Bisi.

-What does Risi e Bisi mean?

-Rice and peas.

[laughs] -Oh, okay.

-That's all it is.

-That was easy.

-Uh-huh, very.

Now, you're gonna cook these onions until they brown, get golden brown.

So you don't want 'em just to be limp like we usually do.

So, while they're cooking-- whoo, that is fragrant-- I'm going to measure out my other ingredients, so they'll be ready when the call comes.

Now I've got some brown rice here.

And, you know, this is rice with the bran still on it, and it's a long grain rice.

And that's a cup.

So that's what we need, we got a cup of the brown rice and we've got to have several other things ready to go when the call comes.

-When the call comes.

Why?

You leaving us soon?

-Including some chicken broth.

We gotta have three and a quarter cups of chicken broth.

So, with this very fine can opener-- -Can I tell everybody somethin' while you're opening cans?

-Well, go ahead.

-It won't take but just a second.

I need another bowl just about like that.

While I'm waiting for this stuff to heat up with the green peppers in there, I'm gonna make some deviled eggs.

I have no idea why.

But I'm gonna make some deviled eggs, and that's all.

So I'm just gonna spend the next few minutes making deviled eggs.

I don't know why.

Oh, I hope I didn't get any of that in your hair.

-You did, you worthless scum of the earth!

Oh, why does this recipe-- this can opener has a name on it.

It says Ford.

[laughs] Doris is no dummy.

She's gonna make sure she gets this one back.

All right now, we got two cans.

Now, I need to put a little more juice in because that's three-eighths or 24-- that's three cups and a quarter of a cup is-- -[Larry] Oh no.

-What?

-It's a fresh egg.

[laughs] -Oh.

So, I have now got in here 21-- I need about a half a can of water here.

-I just hate peeling fresh eggs, fresh boiled eggs.

-Oh no, I don't believe it.

Look, they put an aerator on the spigot.

All right, now this water-- [both sings] Put your aerator on my spigot.

-[Larry] Anyway-- -Now, don't forget your onions.

You gotta stir 'em around.

They're gonna have to brown for about five or six minutes down in here.

-Uh-huh.

Egg number three.

I know that everybody thinks that I'm being dumb when I say this but I really don't know why I am doing the eggs.

-Well, I mean, what else would you be doing if you're not?

-I just brought 'em along.

I had things I had to get done later in the week.

And I thought today was a good time.

-Now, I'm heating this chicken broth up until it's fiery hot.

-Uh-huh.

Well, you seem to be spending a lot of time bendin' over and lookin' under things.

-Well, I know-- and I gotta have a half a cup of vermouth, which is-- -Well, this sounds like a right high-powered hifalutin' thing here, this Risi e Bisi.

-That one's empty.

And this has got to be dry vermouth.

So there we are with the vermouth.

And let's see, have I got everything?

Oh, and the garlic.

Where is that garlic?

Here it is.

I've got to have some cloves of the young garlic to go into it after a while.

Oh, I'm just workin' away.

-I'm, uh, just takin' my good old time, I'm doin' eggs.

-Well, those eggs are real pretty.

-Thank you, thank you.

-What are you gonna do with 'em?

-I have no idea what I'm gonna do with these eggs.

I don't even know why I'm doin' these eggs.

-'Cause that woman said do 'em, that sent in the recipe.

-Says, "Have some eggs on the side."

I have no earthly idea what these eggs have to do with this recipe.

And not only that, but it says that I'm supposed to put together a relish tray.

[laughs] I don't know what any of this means.

-Well, I hope you do.

-Well, I'll relish the opportunity.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, this one-- wouldn't you know, the last one.

You got to have three-day-old eggs, ladies and gentlemen.

And these were just laid minutes before I got here.

-Freshly laid.

Oh, and this garlic just wants to cling to the knife and not be minced.

You got to mince your garlic, boys and girls.

And I'm just mincing for who laid the rail.

-[Larry] Who?

-Now let's see, I gotta get all of this.

Oh, I'm having garlic fingers tonight.

[Larry] This last egg didn't go so good.

It looks right bad.

[sighs] -All right, now, there's my minced garlic.

Now, my onions-- -Oh, it's got an aerator on it.

-[shouts] I said that!

Now, here are my onions and they're golden brown-- golden, golden, pretty and brown.

And to that, I'm now going to throw in the cup of rice.

-Got an aerator on there.

Now if anybody's wonderin', I'm just makin' ordinary old deviled eggs up from my mind.

It's just the way my mammy and pappy taught me to do it.

-Oh, no.

Well, we know what's going on in that mind of yours, and I don't know.

It worries me when you make up stuff from your mind.

-It's just somethin' I'm gonna do.

-We don't know where it's been.

-I gotta get back to my recipe here in a second.

Why don't I do that right now?

-Well, let me just tell everybody that I'm doing this like you do Rice-A-Roni, you know; you do it at home.

-The San Francisco treat?

-Yeah, mm-hm.

-Well, you shakin' it around a lot.

-Yeah, you just do it around in the oil till it browns a little bit.

Then, we're gonna add the vermouth to it.

-Okay.

All right, now here we go.

Now we have been boilin' along on top of the stove or heatin' on top of the stove, combination of our-- -[Laban singing] I'm heating on top of the stove.

-Another singing jag.

-[Laban laughs] -All right.

Let me cut this off.

We've had-- I forgot what I was gonna say.

Well, anyway.

Take just a little casserole dish.

[laughs] Look at this.

There's enough here to feed 700 people.

-[laughs] I'm so sorry.

-And you start layering this stuff.

-I thought you had to cut it into strips.

-No, you don't cut this into strips.

Do you?

-Yeah, sure you do.

It says slice the-- -Peppers in strips.

Perhaps Mr. Johnson should pay attention to his own recipe and leave Mr. Bly alone.

-Oh!

Oh, wait a minute.

This was supposed to be macaroni.

[laughs] -[laughs] All right, now what we're gonna do is we've laid down a layer of beef.

That'll teach you to keep your snout out of my area over here.

Okay, and now you put some of the wonderful sauce on that with the little pepper.

And then we go back and we put another.

This makes an awful lot of people, feeds 600 people.

Biggest mess I've ever seen in my life.

How do you get it out of here?

-Well, Larry now, while I-- my rice is brown-- I don't know.

My rice is brown and I'm going to add this half a cup of vermouth to it and bring it to a fiery rolling boil.

-Woo!

Now, don't ruin the vermouth.

[laughs] I don't want you ruining good vermouth.

-And for all you alcohol non-consumers out there, remember, this is the alcohol cooking off right here.

So there will not be any alcohol in it.

-Uh-huh.

Let me get over there real quick.

-[Laban laughs] -Now, here's what you do now.

I've laid down the second layer of that, and then you take the rest of your sauce.

And you put it on top and spread it all over like that.

And then you put this in the oven.

This is a real tricky recipe.

-[Laban laughs] -I hope you can keep up to it all.

And then you put this in the oven at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

I have a real fake one in there already.

Now, while that is baking, then you have to get your relish tray ready.

And I'm workin' on that right now.

-Well, and I'm about to throw in the garlic.

-The towel?

-[laughs] This was a-- some-- a minced clove of garlic.

I used two, because I like garlic and they were little.

And they go in here now with the vermouth and the rice and the onion.

-Take that home for the children.

-Oh, those cats eat better and better.

-[Larry laughs] -You take that home and I get to take home this mess.

-I can just hear 'em this evening.

"What?

Risi e Bisi again?"

Now, oh well, anyway.

-All right, now my vermouth is boiling away in there.

And I have to add to it the hot-- -To it, to it.

-Let me turn this up here.

The secret to this thang is making your chicken broth hot.

It's got to be fiery boiling hot.

-Uh-huh.

-Like they used to use on Larry when he was bad.

They would wash his mouth out with boiling liquids.

-All right.

I'm gonna start making up a little deviled egg here.

We'll just take a little salad dressing.

-[singing] It's that old, deviled egg that I see in your eyes.

[laughs] -You know, I was watching our show recently.

-[laughs] Oh, well, that's unusual.

-That's somethin' I seldom ever do.

But I broke bed and then-- so I was watching the show.

Little Grey Poupon, the secret of my eggs.

And I noticed that I do talk about putting people's eyes out all the time, and Johnson sings all the time.

I don't know what it is.

-Well, it's because I'm basically happy and positive all the time.

[laughs] You're mean and cruel.

-[laughs] Give me a break.

[laughs] Give me a break, or I'll break your neck.

-Why do you think that woman out in the lobby that answers the phone has only got one eye?

-[Larry laughs] -I sing.

I make people happy.

They're all laughing and enjoying.

But Larry goes on, boing!

Like the Three Stooges .

[laughs] -Boy, I hope this is as good as it looks.

Mm, it is.

-[laughs] Now, everybody, my chicken broth is boiling.

It has come to a rolling boil.

-A rolling boil.

-And I'm gonna pour it in here into the rice.

-[Larry hums] I need a knife, a regular knife.

-Now, at this point, you have to let your rice go for a while.

So while it's goin', Bly, and you're devilin', why don't we call in Sister and Tootsie-- -How's my bread going?

My bread's perfect.

-and get 'em to get everything going for us?

-Oh, the Cook girls are here today?

-Yeah, they're here today.

-Well, the long-- -And they're going to tell us about another one of those famous inventions from back in the old days-- you know, you remember 'em so well because you lived 'em-- and tell us all about it.

So, here are the Cook Sisters to tell us.

[Sister Cook] Hey!

-Huh?

-[Sister Cook] Toots!

-What?

-Look at this.

I was messin' around and found this in a drawer.

You remember what is it?

-It's a nail filer.

-[Sister Cook] No.

-You stick your finger down in there and you rub it back and forth.

-Oh, you silly fool.

[Tootsie Cook] I used to do my nails with that all the time.

-No, it's a nutmeg scraper.

See, you put your nutmeg in there and this thing holds the tension down on to it.

And then you scrape it up and down along here and the nutmeg goes all over kingdom come.

-[laughs] Wow!

-Yes, siree!

It's one of the finest inventions we had in our old kitchen.

I'm Sister Cook.

-And I'm Tootsie Cook.

[both] And we're the Cook Sisters.

-I want you all to see this lovely presentation that's unfolding before your eyes.

Look at these.

I wish I had a little paprika to throw on top of it or maybe a couple of sprigs of maybe some kind of an herb to throw on top of it.

You know, like parsley.

Do you have any parsley?

-No... oh, no.

You're gonna humiliate me.

I was supposed to get some-- -Isn't it lovely?

-[Laban] --out of the yard, and I forgot to get it.

-See, now I made that come out exactly-- -Oh, wait a minute.

Here are some parsley flakes.

-Oh, I don't want parsley flakes.

-Well, I'll take it.

Take anything I can get.

-How pretty would that be?

Parsley flakes on top-- ugh.

Remind me not to go to his house anymore for dinner.

Now, there we go.

That came out perfectly even.

Now, here, let me give you a little hint about this.

If your eggs all have two halves, they will come out to be exactly even just like this.

Harold liked it.

I like having Harold around.

He laughs no matter what I say.

I like Harold.

Now, the next thing I got to do here, having done that.

This recipe wears me out and none of this has anything to do with the recipe.

It's just all extra stuff.

See, we're puttin' together a fine, little relish tray.

What are you-- -I'm looking for the paprika to help you out, boy.

I'm just trying to help you.

-I don't think we have any paprika.

I don't believe we do.

I think paprika left during the war and never came back.

Well, I don't have anything to get this out with, either.

I don't know what I'm doing with everything.

I'm sorry.

I have a fine little presentation of things here that I'm going to throw in to the center of this, as well as the obligatory relish itself.

[laughs] -Paisley Farm dilled spiced party pack.

-Oh, isn't it pretty?

-Uh-huh.

It is.

-Look, and there's a Brussels sprout, a real, live honest-to-goodness-- look at that, isn't that lovely?

-Let me try one of those.

-What, the Brussels sprout?

-[Laban] Yeah.

-It will give you-- well, all right, go ahead.

-[Laban] Mm.

-What do you think of it?

I'm gonna try one here.

It is real good.

It's right snappy, don't you think?

-Tart.

-I believe it's got quite a bit of alum in it.

-No, no, it's just tart.

Your face naturally draws.

-Now, I'm gonna stick a little sweet relish down in here, too, because I wouldn't want you to be without relish.

-A relish, oh, no.

A relish tray without relish.

-A relish tray without relish, I mean, give me a break.

Now, isn't that lovely?

Now, you know that's pretty.

And watch it go around.

[laughs] Look at that, isn't that lovely?

[laughs] You can make it go around, too.

You can even make it go the other way.

Isn't that amazing?

So there we go.

Now, that gets served along with-- meanwhile.

Oh, I just happened to remember.

Oh, this is terrible.

Oh, this is awful.

-Well, you go ahead while I add the rest of the stuff to this thing.

-My bread's gonna burn.

-Well, get you a potholder.

-Well, I don't have one.

-Well, open up the-- oh, no, not the desiccated pig.

Put that back in.

[everybody laughs] -All right now, to my dish, you add a package, a ten-ounce package of fancy little green peas.

But this is actually only after you've allowed your rice to simmer and stew and everything else for 35 minutes under cover which we've not been able to do.

-Woo, fiery hot.

-Then, you're gonna add a couple of tablespoons of fresh parsley which I would have had if I could have remembered to bring it from the house.

And you need two tablespoons of fresh chopped basil which was unavailable here yesterday.

So, I'm gonna use about a teaspoon of dry-- that goes in there-- and some salt.

I got to have potholders, too.

-What do you need?

-I'm using about a teaspoon of salt and I'm gonna use some pepper here if I can-- -Pepper.

-If I can get it open.

-While you're doing that, I'm gonna take this lovely bread-- oh, yeah.

We need to look at the recipes.

-Oh, good grief.

-I'm gonna put the bread on the plates-- -There's no peace for the wicked.

[Larry] --so it'll be ready when I get the stuff out of the oven.

Now, the recipes look like this.

-For the Italian Beef.

-Uh-huh, the old Italian Beef.

One and a half pounds of rare roast beef.

I think it's quite a bit.

I'm totally messed up in that.

I'm sorry.

-Oh, you got me tangled up with your-- [laughs] -One small jar of spaghetti sauce with mushrooms.

One large bell pepper, I got one that had a good ring to it.

And then... and then there was... -And then-- oh, the Brown Rice Risi e Bisi.

Take a spoon full of olive oil, a medium onion, finely chopped, one cup of brown rice, a half cup of dry vermouth-- make sure it's dry, three and a quarter cups of boiling chicken broth, one clove of garlic minced, one ten-ounce package of frozen tiny peas, two tablespoons of finely chopped fresh basil as well as the same for parsley.

Salt and pepper to taste, two tablespoons of ground parmesan cheese, which is gonna get stirred into it.

Now, let me get over here and pull this out of this fiery hot oven.

Oh, and now I'm hung up over here under the counter.

-[laughs] Oh, I gotta get mine out, too.

-Let me have those potholders.

-[laughs] -This miserable, worthless, lowdown microphone.

-I will live through three more minutes.

I'm gonna try a little of this bread.

This looks real good.

Mm, real crunchy, too.

-All right.

Now, here is the Risi e Bisi.

-Oh, it looks pretty.

It really does, I like it.

-And you have to add to it two tablespoons of parmesan cheese, right, I'll just put some-- -What did you do with the holders?

-They're right over here so they don't burn my little baby hands.

-We don't have but two?

-I'll give you some more, here, here, you can have 'em.

Take 'em, but I gotta have 'em back.

-I can't bring 'em back.

-Oh, well, you-- well, suit yourself.

-No, I'm only kidding.

-He means it, ladies and gentlemen.

All right now, let's see.

Where is Miss Witch?

-I don't know.

[laughs] -She said she had somethin' special-- whoa!

Today.

-Pretty incredible.

Woo!

Did you see that?

Went right-- like 3D.

No, do it again.

3D, next to the camera.

-Woo!

[laughs] -[laughs] She looks like she's really here.

-Oh, here she comes again.

-And here she comes again.

[laughs] She's getting more time than we are today.

-"Dear Boys, The little witchlets and I are moving into a new home over the cabinets next week."

[laughs] "I've always wondered what a witch housewarming would be like.

I mean, what do you give a witch who has everything?"

And it's signed, "Miss W." -Uh-huh.

Well, I swan.

-Well, we'll have a housewarming party next week for the old girl.

Let me take this on over here to the table.

-[sighs] Oh, me.

-I think this meal is gonna take forever to serve.

-I've been bringing stuff over here for about 20 minutes now.

I think-- oh, I forgot my holder.

Well, there.

I mean, I forgot the thing to serve it with.

Maybe I should have been bringin' it over 25 minutes ago.

-You know, these are examples of recipes where you can make up a large quantity of stuff to carry with you to the block party.

-Now comes the big question of the day, ladies and gentlemen, regarding this recipe.

-Give me one of those deviled eggs.

[laughs] -How do you get this stuff out?

-Dig a little deeper.

[laughs] I think you just have to go in and go for it, Bly.

-That's not working.

-Here, use your fork.

-I'm gonna use my fork.

-That's why God gave it to you.

-Doris gave me the fork.

God didn't give me the fork.

-He thought about it though.

Oh, that is-- now, that's a-- -It is-- as you can see.

[laughs] As you can see, it's a beautiful presentation.

Oh, well, here, let me get you some relish from off the tray.

That one's got my thumbprint on it.

-Oh.

Here, have some Risi-- -I'm sorry, there's just no way-- people are just signifying furiously.

-Oh, I know they are.

-And I can't help it.

I can't get it served.

[laughs] -Oh, I know they are.

-Well, we'll let you know how it is.

It looks good.

-Eat it?

I can't.

I can't get it out.

-I beg your pardon.

Oh, the rolls have-- oh, no.

-We don't eat it that way, fool.

You don't eat it that way.

You cut it.

[♪♪♪]