[♪♪♪] -[humming] This is the way we crack our eggs.

[both] ♪ Crack our eggs, crack our eggs ♪ -Hi.

-Howdy.

Good to see you.

-It sure is.

-But I wish you would dress up a little more when you watch this show.

-Oh, my heavens.

-I mean, you'll give us a bad reputation.

Look at that.

-Ooo-wee.

-I haven't seen shoes like that since back in the '50s.

-[chuckles] Well, Dr. Johnson, how are you?

-I'm good.

How are you?

-I've never been better.

-Well, that's a lie.

-[chuckles] But anyway-- -That is a big, fat lie.

-Well, that's okay.

-He is all right.

-But we're here to have a good time and we will.

-I think you've been better.

-Yes.

-Last Saturday night, from what I hear.

[laughs] -[laughs] Uh, yeah.

-Oh, no.

-[laughs] Anyway.

-Spousal abuse?

[laughs] -No, no, nothing like that.

I just fell.

-Oh, no.

-I fell and I couldn't get up.

-Well, I've heard about that.

-But anyway, it's okay.

-Well, anyway, what are we doing today?

Where is the witch?

Get her to come in.

-Ah, ah, let's search the sky for an answer.

-Ooh, she bit me on the thumb.

You witch!

-Oh.

-Here, take that letter.

-She's frothing a little bit from the mouth.

I believe she has rabies.

-Well, I think so.

-[laughs] You think so, you better go get your shots.

"Dear guys, can you come up with a show "with breakfast recipes "that could get my husband up and out of bed?

He sleeps all the time, and I'm tired of it.

Thanks."

Christine Van Winkle [laughs] from Sleepy Hollow, New York.

Well, how about that?

-Yes, well, Christine-- -The Van Winkles.

A very famous family.

-Yeah, yeah.

We'll do a breakfast recipe for you.

-We will.

-Yes, we will.

-We certainly will.

-We'll do a couple or three of 'em.

-For the Van Winkle family.

-Yes.

Let's see.

What am-- I'm gonna do Eggs Golden Rod that was sent in by JB Clayton from Rocky Mount, Virginia, the Moonshine Capital of the World.

-I'm gonna do Homemade Cheese Danish, and they sure are good.

And the very lovely Miss, uh-- -Doris.

-Doris is coming in to do some monkeyshines with a Monkey Cake.

-[laughs] Well, tell her that-- -[laughs] She's swinging in from the rafters.

-Oh, look at that.

-It's true, she is [indistinct].

-Tell her to get that anthropoid off that cake.

-Get that anthropoid off that-- what does it mean?

Anyway, so, you have something to do?

-Well, I had to boil and I'm peeling six eggs.

And I'm gonna show everybody how to do this recipe two different ways.

We're gonna do it the way it was sent in and then we're gonna do a heart-healthy version.

-Well, I'm just so proud of you.

-I am, too.

I just didn't know I had in me, but I did.

Besides, I didn't have anything else to do.

-[Larry laughs] -All right.

-Is that it?

-Yeah, all I need to do is I got six boiled eggs and I got to ah, just kind of peel 'em and make sure they don't have any shells on 'em, so they don't crack your teeth.

-Well, the first thing you have to do on the Danish, this is a real simple recipe and it's real nice, too, is to heat your oven to 350 hot degrees.

The next thing you do is you go shopping to make sure you got all the right ingredients for this show.

And then, the next thing you do, when you don't, is call Doris and she'll go do it all for you.

And that's what we did on today's show.

I prepared-- for the first time in 16 years, I prepared the wrong show.

[chuckles] So-- but I've done this recipe before, one time before.

This calls for a package, 16-ounce package of cream cheese, softened, and it's very important that you leave it out for a while because you're gonna have to mix this stuff and you want it to get real soft.

Well, we could not find a 16-ounce package, so we have two eight-ounce packages.

So, it starts out with two of those.

Soften that stuff up real good.

See, normally, if I'd had the proper recipe for today's show, this would have been laying out in the car all day and just be real soft.

-[Laban laughs] -The next thing you do is put in an egg, separated.

So, we're gonna separate an egg because I tell you what, we're gonna use-- -Where is that half-priced egg separator we had?

-Oh, I did a terrible job on that egg.

Mm-mm-mm.

I don't know, I could have used-- well, I remember when you used to just take your bare hands and do it, Johnson.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-It wasn't a pretty sight.

-[Laban] No, it wasn't.

-Now, you use the yolk, [chuckles]-- excellent camera work.

Use the yolk and hold on to the egg whites because we're gonna take the egg whites later on, and we're gonna slather it all over this stuff and give it a nice little, uh-- what do they call it?

A thang on it.

-[Laban] A touch.

-A touch.

[laughs] -[Laban] To it.

Glaze.

-A glaze, a real nice glaze.

Next thing you do is a teaspoon of vanilla.

teaspoon of vanilla, boom, and.

a teaspoon of lemon juice.

And I have, you know, we have this year, the lemons are kind of hard here in Virginia.

They're sort of plastic-ky, I've noticed.

-[Laban chuckles] -They come with little lids on 'em.

-[Laban chuckles] -Well, sometimes, I don't know why, but sometimes, it's just better to do it this way.

So put a little of that in there.

[Laban] Well, it is.

- A little extra squirt for baby.

Well, you started that on me a couple of weeks ago.

-I know.

-And I had forgotten that phrase since I was a kid, "And one for baby."

-[Laban] Well, I'll tell you.

-.and I've been laughing about that, and I've been using the term over and over again.

[Laban] .my good friend, Richard Thomas, the owner of the World of Mirth Carnival and Little Richard's concessions all over the United States-- look for 'em, wonderful food-- Little Richard always has on his concession trailers on the carnival, "Take some home for baby."

[laughs] -[Larry laughs] -And it's just a wonderful, wonderful line.

-I just wanna know, does Richard Thomas still have that mole?

-No, no, no, no.

This is the little, short, heavy-set Richard Thomas, talks like this, "Hi, Mr. Johnson.

Good to see you," and smokes a cigar.

-Oh, another Richard Thomas.

-Wonderful man, though.

You look for him and tell him I said hi if you see him.

-And a tablespoon of flour.

Is that a pre-measured tablespoon of flour?

Well, we've gotten real fancy on this show now, ladies and gentlemen.

We're in the high cotton these days.

And now, what you have to do is mix that with a mixer.

So that's what I'm gonna do for a little while, so just hang in there until I get it done.

It doesn't look too good.

-All right.

Well, it's fine.

Now, I've got in my pan over here a half a stick of margarine, and we're gonna make a roux and you remember that's the equal parts.

That's four tablespoons of margarine and four tablespoons of flour, and we're gonna cook it a little bit, so as soon as that starts heating up a little.

and it's beginning to melt.

-Whew, this mixer's-- -How are you doing with the mixer?

-Well, the mixer smells like it's burning up.

I don't know what it is, there's something about this mixer.

I believe we're taxing this mixer mightily, ladies and gentlemen.

But I think it'll be all right, don't get concerned about it.

It's okay.

-My margarine, it seems to me to be taking an inordinate amount of time to heat up.

-Now, isn't that pretty?

See that?

That makes a very, very nice-- look at that.

It's the very lovely, stiff peaks that you've read so much about.

-You remember Stiff Peaks?

Lived down there with his wife, Thelma.

Well, this-- -Well, after he died, she became the Widow's Peaks.

-The Widow Peaks.

[laughs] -[laughs] Terrible.

Anyway.

-[laughs] [indistinct] about that.

-[laughs] Same joke, different day, ladies and gentlemen.

-Now, well, this margarine is slow but it's getting there.

You can't start the roux until it's completely done.

-Well, do you want me to go on ahead and start playing with the croissant rolls?

-Well, you can.

But all I'm gonna do is add four tablespoons of flour to this and cook it a little while so the flour loses its raw taste, and then we'll be ready to add some milk and make-- we're just making a simple white sauce.

Real easy.

Those of you that say you can't make gravy, there's nothing to it.

Half fat, half flour.

So, Larry, you go on while I'm-- -Just get yourself an old pack of crescent rolls.

I wonder why they call 'em-- oh, and it just will explode just instantly.

And what you have to do now is separate these little bad boys out-- excuse me, bad girls out, and-- -[Laban chuckles] -Well, sometimes you can't tell 'til you get 'em out of the package.

So anyway-- separate those out.

These are a little-- I'm afraid to say that these have still not gotten-- you ought to keep 'em firm in the refrigerator.

These have been settin' in Doris' car for a couple of days.

How long have they been in your car, Doris?

-[Doris] An hour.

-A nour?

A nour.

You know, have you noticed that Doris has been here so long now in the South that she talks kind of like we do?

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-She says it's been there a nour.

Now or never.

And I-- you know, these have little-- what do they call these things?

I'm using the knife because this stuff is so soft.

Now what I have discovered that it's best if you kind of flatten these out a little bit.

But I just know this is gonna cause some problems because you need for 'em to be kind of thinned out just a little, a little bit bigger than they normally are.

See that?

Now, what you do is take just a little gob of this stuff, not a lot, and put it right in the center.

You don't want to overdo it because it'll just come right out.

There we go.

And then you kind of just fold this over and seal it up real good and then you put it upside down on an ungreased pan.

I hope it's ungreased.

Is it?

It's ungreased, okay.

But if you smash 'em out a little bit, it gives you just a little bit more time-- or not time, it gives you a little more-- -[Laban] Room.

[chuckles] -A little more room.

It doesn't give you any more time at all.

Actually-- -Ladies and gentlemen, we're having a hard time today.

-[laughs] It takes up a little more time.

-You'd think we've never done this before.

[chuckles] -[laughs] I don't know what it is.

I haven't been focused all day.

I just don't know what it is, but I haven't been focused all day.

I was sitting at my office today waiting for a luncheon appointment, and realized ten minutes into it that there was a distinct possibility I was supposed to meet 'em at the restaurant.

And lo and behold, I was.

So anyway, you just keep doing that.

You know, that works out so much better when you roll 'em out because it gives you a lot more space to put stuff in.

They don't look real pretty when you roll 'em out, but they do work real good-- it looks like something you ran over on the road, doesn't it?

-Doris, you know, I used to have a whisker over here in this thing, but I don't seem to have it anymore.

[Larry] Well, we have had to take your whisk away from you.

-[Laban] Oh.

-We thought you were getting dangerous with it.

-[Laban] But I need my whisker.

-All right.

-[Laban] Here she comes.

-Anyway, keep doing that till you use up all of the stuff.

I have discovered that this makes, for some reason why Doris doesn't know, and I don't know, this seems to make a lot more of this stuff than you really do need for a package of this.

And I don't know why that is, but it is, and there's just not much you can do about it.

What you may wanna do is take that cream cheese and give it to somebody that needs it real bad.

Give it to the needy.

Give it to somebody, I don't know who.

What else could you do with cream cheese?

-[Doris] [indistinct].

-What?

Oh, you use three packages, she said.

And you know, you're right, it probably would take a couple more packages.

[Laban] All right.

Well, I've got my-- I've added, Larry, two cups of skim milk.

Now, you could use whole milk but I'm trying to watch out for any more fat than we absolutely need, so I'm using skim milk.

And while this cooks a little bit and gets thick, Doris is going to get me the grater, which I have to have to grate my eggs with, and I'm gonna grate the whites of these eggs.

Not the yolks, just the whites.

We're going to save the yolks for another time.

-Do you remember that old thing-- Toots used to do a thing, "Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, and when he left the table, she licked the platter clean."

-Platter.

Mm-hm.

-Something like that.

-Yes, we used to say that.

-What's it mean?

-Well, you know, some people can have stuff-- -Just one of those silly things, I guess.

[Laban] --and some can't, and, you know, just kind of stuff I'm not allowed to have anymore.

-Does this mean that you won't be tasting any of it on the program?

-Oh, no, no.

Because I'm doing it, I'm gonna do myself some that won't hurt you.

-Oh, I see.

-Now, the whites, it's these yellows that will kill you.

The yolks-- the whites won't.

The whites are okay for you.

They don't hurt you.

But the-- -Now, I tell this story all the time of an old gentleman salesman who used to come into the Waffle House every morning by the name of Old Ed.

I won't tell you his last name, but Ed would come in every morning, and he would religiously, he would order egg whites, done very lightly, and toast with no butter.

-Mm.

Well, that sounds good.

-And, you know, looking so that he was taking care of his heart.

Ed died of cancer.

-[Laban] Oh!

-And I couldn't help but think, "You know, Ed, you could have enjoyed all that stuff all that time."

-[chuckles] Well, you know, there's a lot to be said for that.

Now, you're gonna grate on the large side, these egg whites, and just grate 'em right up, down into your bowl.

And I'm doing that while Larry is-- -Well, I'm finishing up the last of this and I'm gonna show you the next exciting installment.

[chuckles] You have quite a bit of this left, so you can buy a few more of these crescent rolls.

Now, what you do is you take your egg whites now.

-[Doris] [indistinct].

-Do what?

What, to beat 'em?

Do you have to beat the egg whites?

Well, I didn't know that.

Should you add a little water to it?

No water to it.

She says that it spreads better if you do this.

-Uh-huh.

-Well, I guess you're right because it kind of breaks up a little bit.

Is that enough?

[chuckles] Well, I have to-- we have a lot of time to fill.

Maybe five more minutes right-- no.

We got to bring you in here in a little bit.

That ought to be good for 20 minutes.

Now, all you do is just spread this over the top before you put it in.

And now your oven is heating up at 350 wonderful degrees.

And just take a little of this and spread it over the top of each one.

That will put a nice glaze on each one, a little glaze.

There you go.

And once again, one egg white is enough to do a couple more crescent rolls anyway.

So, you may as well just go ahead and buy some extra crescent rolls.

And you know, you never outgrow your need for crescent rolls.

So, if you have some left-- 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

That's it.

There's one for baby.

And the staff.

-Uh-huh.

Well, I'm still-- -Are we ready to bring in Miss Doris?

Can we bring Miss Doris in?

-Oh, let me check just a second here.

-Or should I give my recipe or-- -Why don't you give your recipe?

-Or should I do something else?

-Yeah, give your recipe.

-I'm gonna give my recipe.

I'm gonna give my recipe.

Here's what it calls for.

A Homemade Cheese Danish, sent in by Joseph Windish of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

We're hot as a pistol in Philly.

You know.

well, never mind.

A package of cream cheese, 16 ounces, an egg, separated, a teaspoon of vanilla, a teaspoon of lemon juice, a tablespoon of flour and two packages of crescent rolls.

We only made one today because honestly, it just was gonna take too long.

But anyway, that's that.

And that's just all there is to it.

[Laban] Is that it?

That's all there is to it?

-That's it, at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

Watch it because they will burn very quickly.

You have to kind of watch 'em if your oven's a little hot.

-Let me finish this egg white here and add it and then we can call in the lovely Doris.

-All right.

-We can call her anything we want to.

All right.

-Except long-distance collect.

-Now I've added these six whites that have been grated.

Oh, they're all over me.

-Just terrible.

It's a pox.

-Goodness gracious-- to this white sauce and then just kind of let it relax.

And we're going to add some salt and pepper, if we had any.

[chuckles] -[chuckles] Salt and pepper.

Come to supper.

-Uh-huh.

All right, and I'm not gonna put any salt in it because I don't need it.

So-- [Larry] Somebody accused me in a club the other night of using too much salt on the air.

-Hmm, yeah.

-You know, people have opinions.

Opinions are like-- -[Laban] Yeah, they do.

I put in about a quarter teaspoon of pepper.

Now, there it is.

And I'm just gonna turn it down to low and mash these yolks for decor.

So, bring Doris in and let her do whatever it is she needs to do.

-Ladies and gentlemen, it's Doris Ford and her Monkey Cake.

Well, if you put it there, we can't see it.

Let me get some of my junk-- here, put it here and I'll get my junk out of the way.

Tell us about this Monkey Cake.

[Doris] Okay, this Monkey Cake was sent in by Mrs. Claire Lubold from Bensalem, Pennsylvania.

And what you do is you take four eight-ounce cans of biscuits, [indistinct] biscuits.

Do not use buttermilk.

I tried it, forgot, and they fell apart.

So, you have to use just plain old biscuits.

And two-thirds of cup of sugar, two teaspoons of cinnamon, one and a half sticks margarine, one cup of sugar and raisins or nuts.

And you cut the biscuits up in four pieces, shake 'em up in the cinnamon sugar and put half of it, and then you make a syrup-- [Larry] Well, this looks-- how did you get the sugary look on the outside?

[Doris] Well, you take the cinnamon sugar-- you make cinnamon sugar.

You take the cinnamon and the sugar and mix it up and put in a bag.

And then cut these in fourths, shake it up, and put half of it down and then the syrup.

Well, I was a little rushed this morning and I guess I didn't cook my syrup enough.

So, make sure when you're cooking your butter and your sugar, that it's dissolved, the sugar, and keep it warm.

-[Larry] Otherwise, you get this little mess here.

[Doris] And it runs all over.

And you have to keep it warm, I found that out because I was-- I took it off while I was making it and it crystalized too much.

You have to sort of keep it warm and flowing, you might say.

Then you put the raisins, do another layer, and then put another layer of the sugar and cinnamon on it and hopefully, it will be good.

Last time it was.

[chuckles] It worked out great.

[laughs] [Larry] Now, what's this?

A Chimpanzee Cake?

Or what's this called?

-[Doris] Monkey Cake.

-Sent in by Mrs. Claire Lubold of Bensalem, Pennsylvania.

[Doris] And that you said that we were very popular up in Pennsylvania, I was up in New Jersey this past weekend and was recognized from up there - -And they threw eggs at her.

[laughs] [Doris] And so, the people up here do-- up there, do watch this show, and I'll say hi to everybody in Pennsylvania and New Jersey that do watch us.

-Well, bless their heart.

[Doris] And we appreciate 'em, right?

-Uh-huh.

-[Laban] We love 'em.

We love 'em to death.

-We love 'em all, every one of 'em.

Thank you.

And thank you for that lovely Monkey Cake.

-Well, Larry, while you were [indistinct] Doris-- -By the way, look at these.

I have taken these just fresh out of the oven moments ago.

[chuckles] -Oh, they're gorgeous.

-And they really are pretty, aren't they?

-Beautiful.

Hm-mm.

-Mm-mm-mm.

Just lovely.

Worked myself into a frenzy doing 'em.

-A hissy fit.

All right.

-Now, what you got?

-Well, I'm toasting some bread and we probably could do more, but our toaster is slow, like everything else around here.

And at the same time, I'm over here in the oven, the microwave, microwaving some egg substitute.

And I just put it in a measuring cup, and let's see what's happened to it.

Well, it's not quite ready.

-[laughs] It hasn't done anything.

-Let's put a little more time on it here.

-Perhaps if he turned it on, it would help.

-Well, no, it's almost ready.

But I'm going to use that.

Now, as soon as our toast.

toasts, we're gonna put it over here on the platter.

-Toast toasts.

-Mm-hm.

-Toast toasts.

-And then, we're gonna put this eggs-- look at it in there.

What a wonderful shot right down on it there.

That's just terrific, in our toaster.

That is a slow toaster though.

And then, we're gonna-- -You don't see many overhead toaster shots like that.

-No, I know.

I can't ever remember seeing one, not even on-- -Not on Letterman or anything.

-Some of those half-priced shows.

Mm-mm.

-No, that's right.

-No.

-No, indeed.

That's a first right there.

-Let's see-- -You want me to-- -Yeah.

-Check it for you so you won't run yourself to death.

-Yup, that'll do.

That's fine.

-Yeah, it sort of fluffed up real good.

-Yeah, it does like an omelet.

I don't know whether you knew this or not, but my cousin Bobby [indistinct].

-Why does it do that?

-Well, this is the way eggs do.

-It puffs up.

-It puffs up and I'm gonna take it out of there as soon as our toast is finished.

I can't believe this toaster is taking this long.

-Well, it looks to me like it's burning.

-Well, how do we get it out?

-Just pull it up.

Pull it up, it'll come up.

[chuckles] It's burning.

Let me disconnect it.

-Oh, I can't get it out.

-Let me disconnect it.

-Well, see if you can get it-- turn it upside down and dump it out.

Thank you.

[chuckles] -[chuckles] -Well, it's perfect.

-And none too soon.

It was just right, ladies and gentlemen.

-Right.

And now, we're going to-- -And it still hasn't let the thing come up.

[laughs] -All right, now we're gonna put some of this egg-- -People have just seen how you handle a bad situation.

-[Laban chuckles] You just handled the-- -You just handle it.

-Put the egg stuff on there.

And now, on Larry's, I'm going to sprinkle on to it-- -[Larry] Oh, thank you.

-The grated egg yolk.

-So I can have the heart attack.

-[Laban] That's right.

And now, I'm going to-- -[chuckles] He's so sweet.

-Well, if I can get it out of here-- -[laughs] It's like a big piece of rubber.

-No, it's an omelet.

-I've never seen anything like it.

-But I'm going to chop some of this Egg Beater up and use it on mine.

See, that will work just fine.

Of course, Doris gave me a steak knife instead of a regular knife.

-It's been one of those days.

Doris has had her hard time today, too.

-She has.

-[Doris] Well, you know, I read in the paper this morning that if you smell nice, everyone'll be nice to you.

But I put some body powder on, don't I smell nice?

You guys shouldn't be chewing at me today.

[laughs] [Larry] Shower to Shower, I would say.

-[Laban] It didn't work.

-Is it expensive stuff?

[Doris] Yes.

So you're not supposed to be yelling at me today according to that paper, Laban.

[chuckles] -All right, I won't anymore.

All right, well, that's all I have to do.

Let's go over here and taste it.

[Larry] Well, that's the greatest of plenty, I would say.

-Oh, I didn't give the recipe.

All right, the recipe requires the use of six hard boiled eggs, four tablespoons of flour, four of margarine, a teaspoon of salt, if you want it, a quarter teaspoon of pepper, two cups of milk and that's it, and some toast.

-Well, I'm bringing my salt with me.

-I'm gonna bring-- -I just don't think there's enough salt on this recipe.

And my heart's been thoroughly recently checked out due to heart catheterization, and I'm good for at least a couple of more of these shakers.

[laughs] -Well, Doris didn't give us a flipper either, so-- -Oh, my heavens, she has totally left us out of the loop.

Well, here, have one of these fine Danish.

And the Monkey Cake, of course, you help yourself to.

You just pinch it off.

That's the great thing about Monkey Cake.

Mm, good Monkey Cake.

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

-Excellent.

I'm gonna put a little more pepper on mine also.

I like lots of pepper.

Let me try this stuff.

What is this, egg gravy?

-No, it's called Eggs Golden Rod.

-Mm, that's yummy stuff.

-[Laban] Hm-mm.

-Better get rid of the salt.

-It's got a good flavor to it.

-It really does.

You know, I think you've caught on to how make this stuff, second or third time around.

[laughs] -Well, let me try this Danish pastry.

I'll take my glasses off, so I don't have to-- -I fed that to somebody the last time I made it and they almost had a hemorrhage.

They thought it was supposed to be real sweet.

And they says, "Oh, it just tastes like cheese."

Well, that's what it's supposed to be, ladies and gentlemen.

-It's Cheese Danish.

-If you want it to be sweet, then you'll have to throw powdered sugar on the outside of it.

Or maybe, when you roll it out, if you rolled it out on powdered sugar, that would be nice.

-You could do that, or you could add it to the cream cheese mixture, and you could even use some of those artificial sugars, sweeteners.

-But this is not a sweet Danish.

This is just a cheese Danish in the true sense of the word.

I have a real good bite, don't you think?

-Mm-hm.

Not bad.

-It's just perfect.

-Maybe we can figure out who murdered you.

-[chuckles] No, we already know that.

But anyway.

I'm telling you, it's a nice little-- -Well, let me try this Monkey-- -[Larry] --ensemble.

-Well, I don't recall these raisins in it.

-I think they've been added since they were done the last time.

-Oh, they're awfully good.

How did she get that frosty look on it?

-Uh, she accidentally messed up and it caused that frosty look.

[laughs] Sometimes it helps to mess up.

-The Monkey Cake, you can't make good for diabetics because you got to have real sugar [indistinct].

-You got to have the real stuff.

-But it's a nice thought.

It's wonderful, delicious.

-Hm, this is good stuff, great stuff.

-And so is the Eggs Golden Rod.

-Well, it's all real good.

It's unbelievable.

It's incredible.

Come back again next time.

We'll do some more.

[♪♪♪]