[♪♪♪] -You gotta be kidding.

-No.

-We're on.

-Yeah, we are.

-Hey!

-Hi!

How are you?

Good to see you again.

-I'm Larry.

-I'm Laban.

-And we're Cookin' Cheap .

- Cookin' Cheap .

Yeah, we are.

-Last week we did, um, chicken.

-Yeah.

-And one of our good viewers wrote in and says, "I just love chicken."

And as a matter of fact, here's a picture of her loving her chicken.

-[laughs] Get outta town.

-[Larry laughs] -Did she give birth to that thing?

-I'm not sure.

-That's a large chicken.

All right, let's get the witch in here and see what we're gonna be doing today.

-What, is Doris coming in already?

Oh, oh, the - oh, okay, the witch.

-Oh, no.

Now, how can you talk about such a sweet, gentle lady as that?

-Boom.

-There it goes.

All right, let's see what, what - maybe you can read it today.

I think I read the one last week.

-Maybe.

"Dear Boys, My wife wears so much makeup that she looks like Tammy Faye -" -Oh!

-"that Tammy Faye woman who used to be on TV.

"My wife just throws that pancake stuff on for who laid the rail."

[snorts] "It reminds me, you all got anything new in cakes?"

-[laughs] -"We'd have a happier marriage "if she would spend less time on her face "and more time with the oven.

Thanks.

"Uncle Fred Coots of Hot Ring, Okla - I'm sorry, Arkansas.

Hot Ring, Arkansas."

I can never figure these things.

AK, I guess, is Arkansas, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-I don't know but anyway.

As a matter of fact, it's so good that you wrote.

It's just amazing.

-It is.

-We are gonna do cakes today.

-Yes.

-In fact, I'm going to do a Punch Bowl Cake.

-[chuckles] We're hearing body noises, ladies and gentlemen, from our - -I think I'm being made fun of.

-Uh-huh.

-Punch Bowl Cake sent in by Evelyn Grubbs of Muncie, Indiana.

-Punch Bowl Cake.

-When have we been seen in Indiana recently?

-I don't know.

-But Indiana wants me, you know.

What are you doing?

-Well, I'm gonna do an Applesauce Cake that Evelyn Kestner Chernault of Appomattox, Virginia - you know, Appomattox down in where Lee and Grant - -Very historical, historical place.

-Yeah, very, very historical place.

-Uh-huh.

-However, you might remember several years ago, I said that one of the recipes that I had lost in my family was the recipe my mama used for Applesauce Cake 'cause it was so good and I just had never been able to duplicate it.

And Evelyn sent this recipe in, and she said, from the way I described it, she said, "I believe it's this recipe."

And indeed it is.

The onliest thing is that I now cannot eat hardly anything in it.

-[chuckles] So what good does it do to have the recipe?

-But today, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna tell you, Doris and I have been experimenting in the kitchen and I'm gonna show you how to do the cake the correct way or the way that Mama made it.

And then, we've got one that we made with, you know, egg substitutes, sugar substitutes, margarine instead of butter.

So, we've got a cake that is basically very heart healthy.

-I also understand that while you all were experimenting around, you came up with cures for several major diseases.

-We did.

-So that will be announced on the program later on.

-Uh-huh.

One of which I think you're afflicted with.

[laughs] -I have no diseases, never have.

Thank you.

Miss Doris will be here.

What would you know about my diseases anyway?

-I've been in the emergency room all morning and they told me.

[laughs] -[laughs] -They said, "You wouldn't've believed it if you could have seen him."

Okay.

-Okay, but we won't be talking anymore about that, Mr. Johnson.

-[laughs] -Miss Thing will be coming in here in a little while - -Doris.

-Doris, yes, with the Fastest Cake in the West.

-Yeah, and she said it actually was.

-Sent in by Marlene Mayer of Fredericksburg.

That's another fine historical town, historical place.

-Yes.

-So, anyway - If yours take a little while, I can get my first part of this out of the way real quick.

-Okay, well, go ahead and do that.

-So let me do this.

The first thing you have to do with mine is you get yourself a punch bowl.

Now, you know, I think this punch bowl is way too big.

-Well, it is.

-Well, it's the only punch bowl I had.

How many punch bowls do you normally have sitting around the house?

-Well, I don't know.

-This would be much better if it were done in a trifle dish, but these people are very reasonable and they know that most people, I'm the only person that you personally know that has a trifle dish.

-Yes, you are.

-And I travel with it a lot.

-Matter of fact, you're the only one I know that has a punch bowl.

[laughs] -[laughs] So anyway, you can make it in a trifle dish, but more people have punch bowls than trifle dishes, if you have one at all.

Now the first thing you have to do is you have to bake just a plain old cake - -Mm-hm.

-and you bake it according to the plain old cake directions on the box.

And you just go to your store, and I got the cheapest thing I could get, which was an old box of house brand yellow cake mix, and you bake that.

And I have it in the oven right now and I'm going to take it - oh, that is so hot.

Pssh.

Oh, that's incredible, it really is.

-Oh, give me a break.

-So, two - what I did was just - it doesn't matter whether you make it round or square because, ladies and gentlemen, you're gonna tear it all to pieces in a couple of minutes.

-Oh, no.

A perfectly good cake torn all into pieces.

-That's right.

So now, there we go, and we'll do more with this later.

-All right.

Well, with mine, I have heated up two cups of unsweetened applesauce right out of a jar.

Unsweetened.

Now, check your applesauce, make sure that it has no sugar added.

-Is it unsweetened?

-Yep.

And then you warm it up and you add a teaspoon of soda, baking soda to it.

-You don't sound certain.

[chuckles] -Now, when you add that soda to it, it will puff up, if you notice.

It's just puffed up tremendously.

Keep that in the back of your heads.

Now, over here in Doris' fine mixer, I'm going to add two sticks, that's a half a pound, of butter.

-Don't you add that - don't add that soda to any vinegar 'cause you know what'll happen.

-Yeah, it'll bubble.

[Larry] It'll explode.

It will explode.

-We learned that down at Belmont Elementary School.

All right, now, I'm gonna put another thing of butter over in here.

-Mm-mm-mm.

Just eat that right out of [indistinct].

-And we're gonna turn this thing on and let it whip the butter around while I get the sugar.

And it's got a powerful lot of sugar.

-Somebody criticized us the other day for having too much fancy equipment on the set now.

They said, "We remember when y'all had to do everything by hand."

And here was Laban with this KitchenAid thing going to town.

And - -Yes, but that was 20 years ago when we were a lot younger.

-It was.

That's right.

And speak for yourself, I'm still a lot younger.

-Well, you always will be 'cause you just got here too late.

-Ha-ha, did I get that right?

[laughs] Wonder if you're supposed drain this stuff, it doesn't say.

I'm opening up some pie filling and some crushed pineapple.

This is another one of those where it calls for "a can."

Don't you just love those recipes?

-Oh, it drives me nuts.

-We don't know whether it's a big can or a little can or a can this big.

But it doesn't say whether you're supposed to drain it or not.

What's your feelings about it, Doris?

Doris has no feelings whatsoever.

-[Doris] [indistinct] soak into the cake.

-Huh?

Yeah, I would think you'd want it to soak into the cake, too.

-Yeah, I feel - -Well, listen.

While you're waiting for that, I'll tell you what I'll do.

Take just a thing of pudding, of instant pudding pie filling, and I got a big box 'cause I think you need the biggest box you can get hold of on this, and just fix it in accordance with - -Did you get that at Larry's Big Box?

-[laughs] Yes, I did.

-Like Larry.

what was - -What are you - are you -?

-Tony's Big Boy?

Tell me the name of that - why, I saw something about that the Big Boy people are getting a new Big Boy?

-[Larry] What's wrong?

Wasn't the Big Boy big enough?

-No.

He was big enough, but he was out of date.

He was passé.

-Well, he's got that sort of flip hairdo.

-Yeah.

And so that he's getting a new hairdo and new clothes.

-It says, "Pudding directions: Pour three cups of milk in a large bowl and add to the mix and refrigerate it for a couple of minutes."

That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna mix it up with a whisk.

That's it.

Laban, it's all yours.

-All right.

I'm going to add two eggs and I'm being kind of careful 'cause Doris said some of these, she got an egg that wasn't very good.

-How do you get an egg that's no good in this day and age?

They're not even one hour old when they reach the supermarket.

Do you remember - -It looked like it was - yeah, I do.

-Do you remember a couple of years ago, the egg people were explaining to you and I that it's very difficult to find an egg in a supermarket anymore that's virtually more than three days old because they deliver them so quickly.

So how could that happen?

-Well, it did.

-You must have been shopping in one of those lowdown stores, Doris.

-It was a freak of nature.

Alright now, put the two eggs in with the two sticks of butter and the two cups of flour.

And it's looking real good.

It's very light and creamy.

Great shot, Andre.

And you can see in there that it is now really looking good and I'm gonna add some flour to it.

-This is what pudding looks like when it's milky.

[chuckles] For those of you that are ignorant of kitchen ways, I have now mixed this up and I'm gonna place it in the refrigerator for five minutes so it'll set up just a little bit.

And I'm take one of these big old pieces of cake and I'm gonna start tearing it apart and throwing it in the bottom of this thing.

This is really an English trifle, is what it is, except it's - what?

Huh?

If you're gonna talk to me, Doris, don't mumble.

Say something.

Anyway, this is just really an English trifle, is all it is.

But we're calling it something different today.

Go ahead, Johnson.

-Well, I'm adding three and three-quarters cups of flour now slowly to our batter.

And it's gonna be a real stiff.

cake batter.

[Larry] I know, but I wanted it to set up faster.

I know the freezer from the refrigerator, Doris.

-Oh, listen to him.

Now, they're having an argument.

-Doris says, "Oh, Larry.

You have accidentally opened up the freezer," like I don't know.

I just thought I could maybe make this go faster.

-[Doris] [indistinct].

-[Laban] Oh, shut the door.

We don't want anybody to see in there.

-Well, there's nothing in there, ladies and gentlemen.

-I know.

-What are we trying to keep cold?

-Well, I thought we would have some bananas or something.

-There's nothing in there.

There's nothing in there.

There is this fine note from Paul Lancaster.

No, that's something else.

-Okay.

Now, I've got in the flour, and the machine is beginning to labor a little bit.

So, I'm gonna put in - -[Larry] Good heavens.

I thought that thing was supposed to be able to handle anything, Johnson.

-This is a great [indistinct].

Now, you can put in three-quarters of a cup - -[Doris] [indistinct].

-I know, but I'm gonna put it in now.

Three-quarters of a cup - -Oh, she's layin' you out now.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

[laughs] -[laughs] I think we're gonna get slapped before this day is over.

-If I can get this fine dish open, I'm gonna put in three-quarters of a cup of grape juice.

You could also use - -[Doris] [indistinct].

-Oh, no!

You could use red wine.

It's some kind of wine.

-Now, let me - -[Doris] That is wine.

-Doris, you've been hitting the bottle again.

Go ahead.

[Larry] Let me show you all how to tear up a cake.

Now, get a startling overhead shot of this.

For those of you who don't know how to do this.

For those of you who have never cooked in the kitchen very often, see, that's how you tear a piece of cake apart.

There's another one.

Now, just be real gentle with it.

[chuckles] Even Doris can do this.

That one's kinda big.

I think that's enough.

Go ahead, Johnson.

-All right.

I am putting in now a one-pound box or one of these big box of raisins into the applesauce cake batter.

And you just let them all in there, let them beat around a little bit.

-I'm going to add some crushed pineapple at this point to this cake which I have thrown in the bottom of this thing.

And it doesn't say whether you drain it, and I would assume that we want the juices to go all throughout this cake.

So, you add just right out of the can some crushed pineapple with the juice and everything right in there.

Oh, doesn't that just look wonderful?

And then, after that, you then take some cherry pie filling.

Doesn't that look good?

You know, from my notion, just forget the rest of the recipe and eat this right out of the can, you save yourself an awful lot of trouble.

And put some of that in there, that's the next layer that goes in.

Now, you know this has got to be good.

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

-Anything that got all these junk in it.

It's all sugar.

You know, Johnson, of course you know, you'll have a fit, and we'll have to take you out of here on a stretcher.

-Well, I'll only have a bite.

-Uh-huh.

That's what he said last week.

-Can I have it back for a second now?

-Yeah, go ahead.

-All right, I've added my box of raisins, and now I'm adding two cups of black walnuts.

Now, you could use English walnuts.

They're a lot cheaper.

But we're in black walnut country and can get them, so we're gonna use them.

And the reason they're very dear is that they're real hard to shell and you can't get them out in one piece.

-What are you talking about, Johnson?

-I'm talking about black walnuts.

-Because Doris and I were having another conversation over here.

-I know, I could hear you.

-She has just worn me out over here.

I just discovered that I'm supposed to add the entire can of each, the pineapple and the cherry thing, all at one time now.

-Okay.

-And so I just have.

[chuckles] -Well, I've got my raisins and walnuts in there, and now I'm going to add a whole lot of different kinds of spices.

Cinnamon will be the first one.

Aren't you proud I didn't pre-measure anything?

-When do I add the next layer of this cake to this thing?

I was supposed to put it all in the bottom?

Well, you can layer this if you want to.

Use your imagination, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't be dumb like Miss Doris.

[laughs] I'm gonna go ahead and put the rest of this in now because I'm-- -[Laban] Oh!

-Uh-oh, Johnson just dropped something major into that machine.

-[Laban] No, no.

I didn't drop it in there.

Yeah, I just dropped the bottle 'cause it's got stuff all over from the unfortunate acci - I don't know why I have so many problems here with it.

[Larry] I don't like this.

-I'm adding a teaspoon of allspice now.

[Larry] The way this has been put together irritates me.

[Laban] The Lord knows we don't want you to be irritated.

-[laughs] Well, I'm using up all the cake now.

[laughs] I'm just putting it right in there.

I haven't had this much fun since the hogs ate my brother.

Now, next thing you do is you put the pudding on top of that.

Oh, that pudding.

Look at that stuff has set up.

That goes in next.

You know what, I thought this was too big a bowl but look at this.

It looks to be these people do know what they're doing.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-[Larry] Look at that.

-It takes a big old dish.

-And then on top of that, I got some whipped stuff.

Thank you, Andre, who is right on top of everything.

And that goes on - now, this is the really fun part.

Just put lots of it on it.

You know the staff is gonna have a party when this is over.

You know they are 'cause none of 'em have eaten for a week.

Put that on top.

How could anything with all of this be bad?

[laughs] -Well, we'll see.

[laughs] -[laughs] And in a couple of minutes, I'll add the final ingredient.

-[Doris] You've got ten minutes to go.

-And I've got ten minutes to do it in, so take your time, Johnson.

-[Laban] All right.

Well, let me give my recipe.

Two cups of unsweetened applesauce, one teaspoon of soda, one cup of butter, two cups of sugar, two eggs, three and three-quarters cups of plain flour, one box of seedless raisins, one teaspoon each cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, and cloves, two cups of chopped black walnuts, and three-quarters of a cup of wine or grape juice.

-And a partridge in a pear tree.

-All that goes in and - -I'm ready to go home.

-Well, I wish I was.

-How's it coming, Johnson?

-Well, I've gotta scrape it down a little bit.

-Are we gonna get it done before the show is over?

-Well, maybe.

[sighs heavily] Let me just keep working here.

-Well, let me give my recipe while - -All right, go ahead and do that while I - -The very lovely Punch Bowl Cake sent in by punchy Evelyn.

A box of cake mix, and you make that up in accordance with the directions on the box, which is about three eggs and - well, you know how to make a cake.

And it doesn't matter whether you use a white cake or a yellow - [loud thud] whoa, that hurt.

One can of crushed pineapple, a can of cherry pie filling, a box of instant vanilla pie filling or pudding and make it according to the instructions also.

And one eight-ounce package of whipped topping.

And also, you'll need to have standing by some nuts to put on top, and I do.

Anyway, that's it.

-This is my grandma's.

-I was gonna say that looks like an antique.

That's beautiful.

-This is Virginia Atkins Johnson's own tube pan, and you need a big one.

And this one probably won't hold-- -[Larry] It's too small.

-It might be too small, but we'll see.

-[Larry] Yeah.

-But you have to butter it up real good so your cake will come out of it eventually.

We'll do that.

Now, we will have the fun of - -Oh, that's a nice thick batter.

-Yes, it is.

-[Larry] Beautiful.

-All right, and I need to scrape it off and then I'll see if I can free the bowl.

Lord, glops of this stuff is going everywhere.

-Well, while he's doing that, let me add the nuts to this recipe.

I have some English walnuts, and to make it look just real beautiful, you just add the nuts right across the top.

And that's it, ladies and gentlemen, isn't that pretty?

It's just lovely.

And it makes the perfect, makes the perfect party dish.

And you set that out.

I just can't believe it.

It's just perfect.

-[Laban] It's gorgeous.

-It really is, in every way.

And that's it.

-Now, when do you add the bottle of rum to it?

-Oh, Johnson.

I wouldn't think of it.

-You wouldn't?

You probably-- -Why waste the rum in a good recipe like that?

[chuckles] -[Laban chuckles] -No, I wouldn't - I don't think it calls for that.

-All right, Bly.

Would you come over here and hold the bowl up for me?

-Hold the bowl.

-Hold the bowl while I rake it over into the pan.

I'm just so weak these days, I can't - -[Larry] Very stiff.

Do you want me to take it out?

-No, I can do it.

I just - pull it on the - -[Larry] Let me, hang on.

Let me turn the thing.

-This batter is real stiff.

[Larry] A two-person - well, I turned it so you'd get it in a different section.

-[Laban] Well, I can't.

-[chuckles] Oh, my heavens.

If you're weak, you don't wanna do this recipe.

Let me get the rest.

-[Laban] All right.

[Larry] I can get it myself.

-Yeah.

This is not a recipe for - it's easy to do.

It really is, but it's not for the faint of heart or you can't do it with a hand mixer either.

You gotta have-- -[Larry] Oh, I'm telling you, that is a - but you know, all of these recipes for applesauce cake are real thick, heavy batters.

They really are.

-But they are wonderful to the mouth.

-[Doris] [indistinct] after the applesauce.

-No, I did.

Oh, I didn't!

-[all laugh] -Ladies and gentlemen, the reason that it's so thick is because - -All right, let's - -Laban forgot to put the apple - let's put it back in there.

-Yeah, let's put it back in there.

-Maybe Doris should come out and talk about her recipe.

-Uh-huh.

Now, let me scrape this - -Just go front and center, Doris, I'll be with you with my chest in a moment.

-No wonder, here - -This is why it's so terribly thick, ladies - [laughs] Listen to her.

She can hardly, she can just hardly contain herself.

All right, you go remix that, Johnson, and get it right this time.

-[Doris giggles] -[Laban] I'll do my best.

-What do you have, Doris?

-Well, I have the Fastest Cake in the West.

-[Laban] And it's a good thing.

-[Doris laughs] [Larry] No, Laban just had the fastest cake 'cause he left out the main ingredient.

[Doris] I couldn't figure out why it had such a stiff batter.

I know it didn't work that way yesterday.

[chuckles] But anyway, my cake has two eggs, well beaten, three-fourths cups of vegetable oil, one and a half cups of sugar, two cups all-purpose flour, half a teaspoon salt, one and a half teaspoons baking soda, one teaspoon cinnamon, one can of fruit pie filling, any one that you'd like to use, and a half a cup, and that's optional.

You just mix all the ingredients until well blended and then pour into a greased, floured pan, which I didn't do yesterday.

[laughs] -Oh, we've all had our share of problem.

-Right.

So, the cake sort of stuck, and I knew Larry would be unmerciful towards me today, so I baked another one so it would look right.

-All right.

-But it turned out really nice, and it's quite a moist cake - and now you're going to try to get it back in the thing again.

[chuckles] -We're not trying, we are.

-See now how nice it pours when you have the applesauce in.

[Doris giggles] -[Laban] Uh-huh.

Oh, it's gonna burp over.

Well, thank goodness somebody noticed that.

That cake has been around the barn.

All right, well, if we can move over to our other set.

-[Larry laughs] -I'll show - where is the cake I can eat, Doris?

It was - oh, they're both - -Oh, he has lost the cake he prepared, ladies and gentlemen.

What next is going to happen on this program today?

-Now, you bake that for how long, Doris?

-[Doris] Yours?

-Yeah.

-[Doris] It was about an hour.

-About an hour, at what temperature?

-[Doris] Yeah, at 350 - no.

This is where we had a little of a problem.

Because it says - [laughs] -Go ahead, quick.

Get ahold of yourself, Doris.

-[Doris] It said a slow-- -[Laban] Oh.

-She's gone hysterical on us.

-[Doris] So I think we decided it was about 325, and it took about an hour.

-[Laban] Okay.

-All right.

-[Laban] Now, here are the cakes over here.

-Oh!

-This one right here is the one I just made.

And this one right here is the one using artificial sweetener and Egg Beaters.

It's not quite as high, but I'm sure it's gonna taste really fine, especially when you're not supposed to eat cake at all.

So - -Well, here, let me - let me get you a little slice of this.

-A heart-healthy cake.

All right.

-Oh, Lord.

All I got you was the - -None of the innards.

-None of the innards.

You gotta go real deep to get the good parts.

There we go.

But parts is parts.

Isn't this just so light and fluffy?

-It is.

-It's just fluffy.

You know how I love fluffy.

-All right now, here you go.

-And here, give me this so I can get me another piece of this over here.

-All right.

I'm gonna use this knife over here so I can - -Well, how many cakes do we have?

I only prepared one.

-We got three.

Three, four.

We got four different cakes.

-What's this one?

-That one is the one Doris made.

-It's wonderful.

Mm.

I love it.

-This is the one that is no trouble.

Mm-hm, real good.

-Isn't that nice?

Now, these things look a little dry to me.

But they're not, they're very, very - -This is the one that's safe to eat if you're in bad shape.

-Mm-mm-mm.

Now, which one are you feeding me?

-Both, both.

-Oh, okay.

Now, which one is this one?

-That's the high test one.

-I'm gonna see if there's any difference.

I can't tell any difference.

-No.

-None at all.

-So, you can do this cake the easy way, just using egg substitute, margarine and a measurable sweetener.

-Now, have you tried my goopy one yet?

-Mm-hm.

Oh, it's real good.

It'd be better with a little dark rum.

-[chuckles] So would this show.

-[laughs] -[laughs] And as a matter fact, we think that maybe Doris - before she came on, but - -Because she knows she had wine.

That was wine.

That's why it splattered down the bowl, because it was wine.

The devil was trying to get it back.

-[laughs] -But anyway, that was why I thought it was - -Doris will get us, she'll get us real bad because she doesn't ever drink.

-I know.

-Ever, ever, ever.

-That's why I was so surprised.

I thought it was gonna be grape juice or that Diet Rite grape soda or something, you know.

But it turned out, it smelled to me like the fruit of the vine that had been fermented.

-Well, this is a mighty good dessert meal, if I must say so.

-You can have great times at a holiday with this.

-Mm-hm.

-Mm-hm.

-All these cakes and everything.

-And the Applesauce Cakes are really good.

They're very close to what my mama used to make.

And that lady has brought back my faith.

-And remember, they're much better when you put the applesauce in them.

-Uh-huh.

And Larry's would be even better with about a half a cup of rum.

[laughs] -[laughs] Or amaretto would be nice also.

-Yeah.

-Well, that's it for us.

-See you around the campus.

[♪♪♪]