[♪♪♪] -[Larry chuckles] -Oh, Bly.

Get off that sink.

You don't know where it's been.

[laughs] -I have gone - now, wait a minute.

I've gone back to my childhood.

Did your mama - your dear, sweet, old mama, did she ever wash you in the kitchen sink when you were a baby?

-No.

She washed me in the big, galvanized steel tub.

-Oh, that was later.

That came later.

-Remember, I got a picture.

Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

But that came later in my life.

When I was a baby, I was washed in the kitchen sink.

-Well, I might have been, too, for all I know.

-Until I was about 16 or 17, as I recall.

[laughs] -And they had to put you in a double sink.

[laughs] -[laughs] Oh, I have so many things I wanna say about that.

Welcome to Cookin' Cheap .

It's nice to see you.

-Oh, we're so glad to see you come on in.

-I see you're just winging it today.

-Oh, yeah, well.

Let's get, oh, give me a break.

Let's get the witch in here right away and see where we got-- -Where is she?

Where?

-Here it is.

-Oh, okay.

-See, where we got the idea for the show.

-Oh, you almost put out Doris' eye.

-I know.

-Poor Doris.

-Uh-huh, poor Doris.

-Is my toupee on?

I had forgot to adjust my toupee before I left.

-No.

I think you need to call David Letterman and tell him that company that he's using down in Costa Rica is not doing a good job with toupees.

-[Larry chuckles] -Where did you get it?

K-Mart?

-No, at Sears.

-Oh okay, all right.

"Dear Laban and Larry, "We love your show and wonder if you could help us.

"We went to a party last night.

When we woke up this morning, we were sick big time."

-Oh, no.

-They served-- -Salmonella or something?

-No.

"They served Buffalo wings and margaritas.

"The wings were cooked in barbecue sauce and the margaritas cooked in us."

-[Larry chuckles] -"We like wings "but is there any other way to cook 'em "and what can we do with tequila?

"Thanks, Reverend and Mrs. Our Beautis Lovejoy of Lynchburg, Virginia."

-Well, we have-- -[laughs] -Well, we have-- right, Miss Lovejoy.

I went to the Post Office box the other morning with my business-- and there was a letter to Marty, my business partner, from a sales rep whose name was Michelle Lovemore.

-[laughs] -I thought that was a great name.

-A wonderful name.

-Well, I don't want anyone to think that I have frittered away the station's hard-earned cash buying all of this tequila because I don't think all of this is very much.

This is about enough for two recipes for what I have to do.

It really does have a little bit of tequila in it, and it's real good.

So, anyway.

-Right.

And it's mostly all gonna cook out.

-Oh, which is by the way, a Margarita Pie, a frozen Margarita Pie, and it looks to be stunning.

-Oh, I can't wait.

And I'm doing Teriyaki Chicken Wings that are actually not too bad for you.

So, I'll show you how to do 'em in a way that would be perfect, but this is not a perfect world and most of you don't have the problems that us with bad hearts do, so we'll show you both ways to do it.

And Grandmother Noodge has a wonderful recipe today also with chicken wings that you can bake in a big pot.

-Grandmother who?

-Noodge.

-Noodge?

-Yes, she's always, you know, "You didn't do it.

Do it like this."

-[laughs] "You did it wrong."

-All right, well, now, Larry, let me show everybody what I've got to do and then I'll just start doing this and you can go on what you're about.

These are wings, and you have to cut 'em apart.

They're in three sections.

This is the tip.

This is one drumette, and this is the other, and they have to be cut apart which I will now do with a huge meat cleaver.

Now, if you're real lucky, you'll have a store that has them already cut into drumette sizes.

What you need are about three pounds to do this.

-I used to be in the drumettes.

-So, you just get rid of your frustrations.

-[Larry chuckles] And some of your fingers, if you're not looking at what you're doing.

Now, I noticed you throw the tip away.

[Laban] Well, you could use the tip in soup, but we're not cooking any soup any time soon.

So they're not-- -All those tips gone to waste.

[Laban] Yeah, that's right.

Anyway, that's all I'm gonna do for the next half hour.

So you go ahead.

-[laughs] Let me give you a tip.

Oh, no, you've got one there.

Okay, that's right.

-Yeah, take a tip from me.

-This is interesting.

I'm telling you, this is just a marvelous little dessert.

It really is.

This Frozen Margarita Pie.

And the first thing you do is - it sounds like a circus act that's working in here.

-What's wrong with a circus act?

-Take an entire stick of butter.

It calls for real butter, guaranteed to slam your heart shut, honey.

If you want to use margarine, but I'm using real butter because this is what it called for; and melt it.

Just melt it 'cause you're gonna need it in a couple of minutes.

Now, first thing you have to do is to make the crust.

And this has to be one of the more interesting crusts I have ever seen.

Because this is a Margarita Pie, and as you know, when they serve Margaritas, they always put that salt around the edge of it there.

And that kind of gives that little muah.

Well, apparently, we tried to attain the same thing with this frozen pie by using salted pretzels.

And I have - you'll notice I have fat-free.

Of course, the rest of this recipe is enough to kill you.

[laughs] I was trying to make up for - Laban, don't do that again 'cause you're making me real nervous.

-Oh, I won't.

Aah!

-He sort of jumped a little bit that time when he did it.

I'm trying to make up for that stick of butter by using this fat-free.

Now, I think the best ones to get are these little, itty-bitty ones because they're easier to crunch up that way.

Now, Miss Doris has another suggestion.

Yeah, yeah, we'll do that in a couple of minutes, Doris.

There is an easier to do this, but it doesn't have quite the comedic value that this does.

This is such a messy recipe.

When you get it done, you crunch it up really, really fine.

You could probably do this, don't you reckon, Doris?

You can probably do this in a food blender if you wanted to, you could.

Or Doris has suggested yet another method, and it's called the Beat the Stuffings Out of the Bag method.

And you can do that, too, and that's probably - she's right.

That's probably the fastest way to do it.

Look at that, just taking it for a fair thee well.

So, let's do that.

You know what, I think that maybe that has more comedic value.

Now, Doris got used to doing this with Harold.

[laughs] And so that's where she came up with the idea.

So anyway, whatever it takes to get there, or you can roll it out delicately like I was trying to a while ago so it won't make so much noise.

You need a cup and a half of it.

And that is, I discovered the other day when I made this recipe the first time, that is about a half a bag.

Use the sticks because they do crunch up easier and finer.

And for heaven's sakes, don't accidentally go out and get those soft ones, you'll be beatin' on those things for six months, and nothing will come off it.

So anyway, that's the first thing you gotta do.

I don't need to do too much of this, this is ridiculous.

I should have just rolled it out like I wanted to.

But no, Doris had to have me do this.

The noise is the most irritating possible thing.

Laban, do you have something to say?

-What?

-Do something.

-How did we both end up with noisy recipes to start off with?

-Well, we weren't supposed to.

I was just gonna roll it out but Miss Smarty Pants here-- -Mm-hm.

-Decides that this would be the funnier thing to do.

Of course, she doesn't take anything in the kitchen very seriously anymore.

Have you noticed that?

-No, I know.

-She's been around us too long.

-She is light, very light.

-She used to be real serious in the kitchen.

Now, she's the original Miss Goof Ball.

So, anyway, enough of that.

I'm not gonna play with that for another five minutes of my life.

Anyway, what you need is you need a cup and a half of that.

So, I've already got a half a cup from where I made it up the other day.

And let's go on ahead and - let's see.

This is half cup, so two of this would make one cup.

So anyway, let's take that.

See, that's pretty fine.

It should be just a little bit finer.

-[Laban] It's mighty fine.

-It is.

Now, take the entire stick of butter and pour it in there like so.

And it also calls for sugar.

It's sort of a sweet and sour type of thing, calls for a half a cup of - no, it calls for a quarter of a cup of sugar, goes in there also.

Quarter of a cup of sugar goes in there.

And now, you'll just mix that all around.

And this is gonna make a real nice crust.

And also, you take a large pie plate and a slightly smaller one that fits inside it.

Fortunately, I inherited all of Tootsie's pie plates.

I have billions of them.

Almost had two fewer ones this morning when I went out the door.

They flew from my hand.

And you will need to butter one up slightly, so I'll do that in a couple of seconds.

-All right, well, while you're doing that, I'm gonna make the sauce that goes with my wings.

-Oh, please.

-Now, you start - you need a third of a cup of lemon juice and, Jeff Smith, just drop dead, baby.

He's always talking so bad about this kind of lemon juice.

But I'll tell you, when I looked at the prices of lemons today and I need a third of a cup, I said, "Forget it."

-It looks like lime juice to me.

-Hm-mm.

No, it's lemon.

-Oh, is it?

-And it's gonna cook-- -Well, mine is a lime because it looks like lime.

It's one of these lowdown things but I didn't need very much.

-No, that's right.

And why go to-- -And you're right.

They're expensive, and why bother?

-Now, that's third of a cup of lemon juice.

And now, I'm gonna put in a quarter of a cup of ketchup.

There it is, a quarter of a cup of ketchup.

-[Larry] What a mess.

-Yes, it is.

Oh, you mean yours?

-[Larry] Yes.

-Well, it's there.

And now I need two tablespoons of brown sugar.

This is the same stuff that we recently used and believe it or not, it's still reasonably soft.

-Is that a halfway cue, or are you just yawning?

[man] I'm just yawning.

-[laughs] We have such a subtle staff.

-I know, they are.

-I thought he was trying to tell me something.

Okay.

-Well, anyway, I got some more stuff to go in here.

Do you wanna work on yours for a little bit?

-Well, yeah.

I got something to do here just for about five or ten seconds.

-Well, just take your time.

-We'll just take this little bit of butter and just sort of do this a little bit across.

But you don't wanna overdo it but anyway, there you go.

Now, the next thing you do is you will take this and distribute it around right smart.

And the more you distribute it, the easier this is to do and the more sense it makes when you like get down to the real hoo-ha which I'm going to do here in just a second.

Now, take your second plate like so and just kind of work it around, squish it around there.

-Look at that.

Well, you're just so smart.

-Well, anyway, that's about as good as this one-- it's not totally distributed equally as you can see.

I'm a little bit off there.

But anyway, it really makes a real fine crust.

-Well, that's 'cause you got too much over on this side.

Now, if we just took a knife and just put over there, you could-- -Well, that's exactly what I just said.

[chuckles] Well, we'll just do that if it makes you feel any better, Mister Johnson.

I know how it upsets you and so - -Well, so you can-- you know, I want you to be neat.

-All right.

Let's try that again and see if we can get it so that it's a little more even this time.

-Not bad.

-Well, it's okay.

It's not as pretty as the one I did for the show today.

Now, what you now will have to do is just let that chill a little bit.

Put it in the refrigerator and let it chill.

And in a couple of minutes, I'll show you the good stuff that goes into this before you put it in the freezer and freeze it.

-All right, now, into mine, I've got lemon juice, ketchup, and brown sugar in there.

Now, I'm gonna put in a half a cup, which is right smart, of soy sauce.

And I wanna tell you, I'm using light soy sauce because it doesn't have as much salt in it, and it's just, I think, generally better for you.

-Oh, yeah, like all these pretzels aren't gonna kill us today.

[chuckles] -Yeah.

-But go ahead.

-Well, you know.

I'm trying to do my best for the people, power to the people.

All right, now let's see.

We need to put in a quarter of teaspoon of garlic salt.

Let me see if I can get the lid off this bad boy.

I don't know why I leave these - do you take these off at home?

-Garlic powder, let's see.

You're using garlic salt?

-No, I'm using garlic powder.

Don't get smart with me.

-It says garlic powder right there.

-Not garlic salt, garlic powder.

-She needs glasses.

-[Doris] No.

But I need-- -Oh, she already has glasses.

-Oh, no, garlic powder.

It was a figment of your vivid imagination, Doris.

All right now, okay, a quarter of a cup of vegetable oil and this is of some unknown variety.

What is this?

Natural blend which includes also canola.

All right, so one quarter cup.

There it goes.

-[Larry] It's a natural.

-And then, a half a teaspoon which is - oh, Doris, you gave-- I used a whole half teaspoon of garlic powder.

It won't be fit to eat, a half a teaspoon-- -[Larry chuckles] Let's blame Doris for this.

How embarrassing.

-A half a teaspoon of pepper, and-- oh and the wings.

Now, let's stir all this up real good.

And then we're gonna put the wings in them, and we're gonna let 'em marinate in the sauce for three hours.

So, we'll pretend.

Anyway, Larry, take it away while I put the wings over here in the sauce, just pile 'em on in.

-Okay, all right.

Here's what we're gonna do now.

We're gonna make this marvelous, marvelous filling that goes inside this frozen margarita pie which consists of a third of a cup of lime juice.

And this is one of those plastic limes they grow on plastic trees.

A third of a cup of that, which just ought to about to finish this little baby right off.

And I'm sorry but he was right, buying enough of them to squeeze a third of a cup just wasn't worth the price.

It was much cheaper to do it this way, and I know a lot of people look down at these things, real lowdown.

But the great thing is you can use 'em for a little - I don't know, what you'd use them-- throw 'em away.

-And it's cheap.

And that is our main name - cheap.

-A 14-ounce can of concentrated milk, and I'm using actually condensed sweetened today because that's what I like to use on recipes like this 'cause it is a dessert.

And it's a nice real thick stuff.

And we'll put that in there.

And two to four tablespoons of Tequila, be careful, we don't have-- BMI ASCAP rights to that.

One, two, three, four - now, and a little bit for the staff party.

[laughs] And believe me, ladies and gentlemen, that's about all this staff could handle.

I'll tell you that right now.

I don't keep tequila around my house 'cause, you know, I'm just a-- I don't believe in alcoholic beverages and so, I had to go out and buy this.

Mr. Johnson told me that you can buy these little tiny ones, and you can.

I didn't know that.

-Yes.

-I thought you only get these on airlines.

But not anymore, they actually sell 'em.

This calls for orange flavored liqueur.

I did not have orange flavored liqueur per se.

However, I did have triple sec which has lots of pictures of oranges on the front of it.

-[Laban] Same thing.

-I thought that - it is.

It really is.

It's virtually the same thing.

You can use triple sec or some kind of orange-flavored liqueur.

Two tablespoons go in.

Now you know, with all these stuff, it's gotta be - oh, just wonderful.

-Put a little in for the baby.

-For the baby, just a wee little bit extra for the baby.

So anyway, well, that baby has grown.

-[Laban] Yeah, uh-huh.

-Baby is growing all the time.

And then, well, mix this around this a little bit first and get that all mixed up real good.

You wanna read the recipe while I'm trying to get this goop to go through this mess?

-Yes.

Let me read both of these and then we'll bring Miss Ford in with-- -Well, I have something else to do before Miss Forbes-- Miss Forbes or whatever her name is-- -All right.

Well anyway, the Teriyaki Wing Dings from Kathleen Trexler of Chester, Virginia, call for a third of a cup of lemon, a quarter of a cup of ketchup, two tablespoons of brown sugar, a half a cup of soy sauce, one quarter teaspoon of garlic powder, quarter cup of vegetable oil, half a teaspoon of pepper, three-pounds of chicken wings - cut at the joint, tips removed.

You combine 'em all in the sauce and then, we're gonna bake 'em in a little bit.

Larry's Margarita Pie was sent in by the same lady, Kathleen Trexler.

And a matter of fact, yeah, she did both of 'em.

And he needs a cup and a half of crushed pretzels, a half a cup of butter, that's one stick.

A quarter cup of sugar, a third of a cup of lime juice, one 14-ounce can of concentrated milk, and I believe, Larry is right, that's the one was sweeten condensed.

-They don't have something called concentrated in the store.

-No, they don't.

So, this is a homemade kind of thing.

Two to four tablespoons of tequila, I think you need to put more in if you didn't, two tablespoons of orange flavored liqueur and one cup of whipped cream.

-Well, let me go back and readjust.

And speaking of a whipped cream, that's something else I decided I wasn't gonna make from scratch today.

I just didn't have time, why bother.

So, what I'm doing is I'm using some ready-made stuff and what you're gonna do is-- -Just a cup.

-Oh, excuse me.

What you're gonna do is just fold that in there, all right?

Fold that in there also.

And while I'm folding and folding and folding this, Doris will come in and show you-- -Oh, okay.

-A fine recipe.

Come on in here, Doris, darling.

-Come on in, Doris.

-How are you?

It's been so long since I've seen you, how have you been?

-[Doris] I'm just fine.

And everybody that talks to us say you guys pick on me too much, and they don't know why I take it.

[laughs] -'Cause it took so long to make it.

And she'll never find that recipe again.

Oh, oh.

Go ahead.

-[Doris] The recipe I did today is from Gloria D. Huckoby from Carneys Point, New Jersey.

Lady the other day was saying we don't mention New Jersey on here, so this is one.

I know, the station only has two microphones.

What can I say?

-Just say it in here whatever it is you're saying.

-[Doris] [laughs] Okay, I had to use ten chicken wings, and I cut the tips off too 'cause I think it's easier to brown.

Four tablespoons of cooking oil, two cups of chopped onions, eight cloves of garlic, chopped.

-[Larry] Good heavens.

-[Doris] Yeah, I used that instant, you know the ones that you had.

They're already chopped in the thing.

-[Laban] Yeah.

-[Doris] And two cups of raw rice, one tablespoon cumin-- where am I?

A fourth a teaspoon of - how you say that?

Canaan pepper.

-[Laban] Cayenne.

-[Doris] Cayenne pepper.

-[Larry] Canaan is close enough.

-She's been in that religious part of the county too long.

[Larry] ♪ She's been to Canaan ♪ Go ahead.

-[Doris] [laughs] Okay, four and a half cups of chicken broth, salt and pepper to taste and a half of cup of white wine.

And you brown your chicken wings.

-Did you put the wine in?

-[Doris] Yes.

-'Cause I know your aversion to alcohol.

-[Doris] I know, and I bought the cheapest thing they had in the store.

It'll probably kill you.

-No, no, cheap is good for cooking.

-[Doris] That's what I did.

-Cheap is good for cooking.

-[Doris] I bought the cheapest one they had.

And you mix all the stuff together, brown your chicken wings and then sauté your onion and garlic and then just put in a pot and let it cook.

Now, I took it out while it still had a little moisture to it, but I made it hours ago.

And it looks a little dry, but when you get down to the bottom, it's not too bad.

-No, it's fine.

It's fine.

-[Doris] But I like-- right.

-It's not as dry as your act.

-[Doris] Being Italian, I think instead of putting the cumin in, you could put saffron and make it more of a risotto with the rice.

-Doris, how dare you bring on this expensive crisol.

-[Doris] Well, my dad bought this for my mother years ago, and she absolutely refused to use it, so I got it.

-Okay.

Well, thanks for coming by.

-[Doris] You're welcome.

-And look both ways before crossing-- -Yeah.

-And always say "please" and "thank you".

Now-- -[Doris] Why?

[chuckles] -Vamoose.

She's outta here.

Okay, I've mixed all of this.

What I've done is I've taken the whipped cream, and I've folded it into this marvelous mixture.

This is a wonderful recipe.

So, the next thing you do then is you just put it in there, and you put it in the freezer at least two hours before you're going to serve it.

Mine has been in the freezer for, oh, roughly three days.

[laughs] I don't think we will ever be able to serve it today.

But it is a nice, wonderful recipe.

I'm telling you that is just gorgeous.

You'd be proud to serve it to anybody.

What you got, Johnson?

-Well, now, what I've done, we're pretending these wings have marinated in this bowl for three hours.

They really haven't and we'll put 'em back in here.

Then you're gonna bake 'em for about 30 minutes at 375 degrees.

And about halfway through, you need to baste it with the marinade.

Now, let me tell you something about chicken health here, folks.

You don't want to use the marinade after about 15 minutes because it might not cook enough.

And since this is raw chicken which we all know unfortunately, might possibly be contaminated with something that would give you a stomachache, we recommend that you very carefully avoid messing around with the raw chicken or the marinade after this stuff is cooked.

In other words, baste it one time with the marinade when there's still at least 15 minutes to go and you might probably be okay.

Otherwise, be careful.

-Can we go taste it?

-I think we can in just a minute.

Now, you bake that, baste it, and they'll be done in about a half an hour at 375 degrees, a little hotter than you usually bake at.

Well, let's go over here and try and see what it's like.

-Well, I'm just dying to get my fingers in this pie.

Here, let me give you some of Doris's stuff.

-All right.

And let me give you a wing.

-Oh, there's no delicate way to get this out of there.

[Laban] Just do it.

-Well, okay, there we go.

But the important thing is let me see if I can cut this pie.

Oh, it has thawed a little bit.

-Oh, yes.

-Isn't this beautiful?

This is the pretty one.

The nice crust.

-Well now, let's see if you can get it out.

-Just perfect crust.

But you know, it's thawed a little more than it should have ought to have.

-Uh-huh.

-And this crust is just going all to blazes.

-Oh, it came right out.

-Well, for heaven's sakes.

-How wonderful.

-There we go, all right.

I'll get myself a little piece of it also.

-I want some pie.

I want some pie.

-Go on ahead and try that pie.

Well, I have destroyed that piece totally.

Looks a little crumbly to me, I think it could have used a little more butter.

What do you think of that pie?

Isn't that fabulous?

-Hm-mm.

-It really is.

Well, let me try one of these little wings.

-[laughs] It's just wonderful.

That Tequila always has worked on me.

-[chuckles] Ooh, these chicken wings are wonderful.

I love it.

-You know, yesterday-- -Let me try Miss Doris's rice.

-I was at church, it was my church's 105th anniversary.

And they had a great big old lunch and everything.

And you know, I swear, I believe they would have loved this, this pie.

-Probably so.

Doris, that rice is real fine.

It really is.

-I want to try one of these chicken wings and see if they're any good.

-Well, you would hardly believe there is all that stuff in that Tequila pie.

But it is real good.

And it does, that little crust, that stuff, what is it?

Pretzels, really that little salty, oh, that's wonderful.

-Doris, your chicken is great.

My wings are very good, I think, if I do say so myself.

-I think it's a nice meal, really.

And this is a good dessert with these chicken wings 'cause you know, they're a little spicy.

-Be perfect for a Super Bowl party or World Series party.

-And good thing I like about 'em is they're not so spicy that they burn you and hurt your face.

-And if you can get the precut little chicken drumettes so that you don't have to cut 'em, this recipe is so easy, any fool could do it - including Larry.

-I was in the chicken drumettes when I was a child.

-Were you?

-Uh-huh.

-I bet you were cute with that baton and that-- -Hm-mm.

Well, this is all wonderful.

And, Doris, I think this rice is real fine.

I don't think it's too dry.

-It's delicious.

-It's wonderful.

-Well, I hope you enjoyed it today and come on back next time.

-We wanna see you around, bye.

And come back again maybe the time after that.

You know, if you wanna come back even a couple of weeks later.

You know - well, heck, we'll be here for like 16 more weeks, I think.

[♪♪♪]