[♪♪♪] -I'm finally taller than Mr. Johnson.

-Yeah, you wish.

-[laughs] Well, you can't see on TV that I'm on-- -He's-- ladies and gentlemen, he's a midget.

His feet are right here, and he's standing on my stool.

-Now, you-- I was with, you know, Barnum and Bailey Circus for years.

-Uh-huh.

Yes.

-And now you've told everyone what I did before I came here.

That's Mr. Johnson's stool.

-In case I fall.

-You gonna sit down?

Or are you gonna stand up for the show?

-I might.

-He said he'd never stand for the show, and I don't blame him.

I don't think I would either.

What are we doing today?

-I don't know.

Let's get the witch in here and find out.

-Where is that witch?

[laughs] There she is.

-Well, let me... get on out of here.

-Oh, I'm in trouble already.

I haven't even started, and I'm already in trouble.

-What?

-Because the hamburger is still frozen.

[Laban] Oh, no.

Well, it'll thaw.

-It will.

I'm gonna break it into big pieces.

[crew] Don't forget the microwave.

-Yeah, I don't need the microwave right now.

[Laban] Oh, it's-- it's coming unglued.

-It's coming unglued.

-[Laban] All right.

[Larry] It's been thawing for two days in the refrigerator.

What's with it?

[Laban] "Dear L and L, "how about some Southwestern recipes?

"I'm tired of all that Pennsylvania Dutch stuff.

Besides, Grandma was a Pueblo Indian."

[Larry] Oh, that's wonderful.

-"Can't wait to see what you come up with," and it's signed Alice Lone Squirrel McGee of Barn Dance, New Mexico.

-[Larry] Barn Dance, New Mexico?

-Uh-huh.

Yep.

So, well, we're gonna do recipes with an exotic flair to them.

-I'm gonna do Green Chili Casserole, sent in by Barry and Emily Hayden of Radford, Virginia.

-And I'm doing a Tomato Salad sent in by Madeline Brinkley of Hot Springs, Virginia.

-David Brinkley's wife?

-No, no, no.

But some of his people, but not his wife.

-And, uh, the very lovely Miss Thing, Miss Doris, is coming in to do a Tomato Salad.

-[Doris] Nope.

-Uh, Corn Casserole.

-Uh, yep.

-Sent in by Judy Peacock of Eastman, Georgia.

We got them from all over today, don't we?

Hot Springs-- -Yeah, we do.

-Radford and Eastman, Georgia, but none from Pennsylvania today.

-Right.

Got them all.

Now, I'm gonna start mine and then just turn it over to Bly for a while.

-[Larry] [indistinct] -You need to start with a small package of strawberry, or I'm sorry, of raspberry Jell-O, and a half a cup of boiling water.

And that's all I'll say about this mess for right now.

-Well, I'm frying about a pound of hamburger, and I need some salt and pepper.

Where is it?

You know, Doris doesn't prep us like she used to.

-Well... -She's kind of gotten bored with the show this year.

In fact, she's mentioned the fact she hates coming down here anymore.

And I can tell, because we kind of have to look around for things.

[laughs] She brought the salt and pepper while I was gone.

Where was it when I needed it?

Thank you, Doris.

She's wonderful.

You know, we have to say nice things about her because people think that we don't like her.

Remember that huffy man?

Where was that huffy man from?

-[Laban] Yeah.

-[Larry] Huffy man.

Where was he from?

He wrote that nasty letter to-- -[crew] Richmond.

-Richmond?

Do you ever notice we get a lot of huffy letters from Richmond?

-[Laban] Yes.

Well, if you lived in Richmond, you'd be huffy too.

[laughs] -Oh, here we go.

Now-- now, why are we doing this?

Why-- [laughs] -[Laban] Well, you know, it's the holy city for Virginia.

-We love Richmond.

We love you down there.

You've been down there-- they've been watching us longer than any other market except for this one.

That's true.

We've been there every year except one.

True story.

But anyway, we love 'em.

We love you.

We love you to death.

You're a real pain, but we love you.

-[Laban laughs] -So, anyway-- and that ought to get us in trouble once and for all.

All right.

So, anyway, we're going to fry some burger up real good here.

And, uh... and then I'm going to have to take a leek over here and do some stuff.

[Laban] Larry!

-I'm going to take this leek and I'm going to slice it all up and clean it.

What's wrong, Doris?

Have you got the giggles today?

That's all I'm going to use.

You don't want to use that.

You don't use that part, do you?

But she can't stop laughing long enough to answer me.

You got to clean 'em real good.

She tells me that what you do is this.

Well, look, it looks pretty clean inside.

See, if you look at that, isn't that-- it's just like pieces of paper in there.

But if you-- -That's one of those TV leeks.

[Larry] If you do that... [laughs] Sorry, I'm going to go back here and wash it.

Go ahead, Laban.

-Well, I'm still diddling around in here with this raspberry Jell-O.

-I think I'm going to have to go home.

-You gotta-- you know, it has to be well dissolved-- -[Larry] Whew.

[Laban] --in a half a cup of boiling water.

All right, Larry, it's all yours.

-Oh, thanks, Laban.

You're just so kind.

I appreciate it.

So, I'm going to take this now and chop it up.

And I'm also going to have to chop up a couple of onions.

It seems to me like there's an awful lot of onions and stuff like this in here.

But, you know, I did one of these at home.

The one I did at home is in the oven right now.

And neighbors came over and said how good the stuff smelled.

But, you know, what can you do when you do this?

When you're frying up this many onions, it's got to smell good.

You know, that used to be Tootsie's big secret.

Tootsie would lay around and watch soap operas all afternoon, but about an hour before her husband came in, she'd say, "Larry, go throw some onions on the stove."

And it fooled him every time.

He always thought there was something cookin'.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-And it was just a few onions.

He didn't know that.

Never caught on.

So, anyway, frying this, you got to fry it up pretty well.

Okay.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-[Larry] Well, see, that's-- oh, that's lovely.

That's lovely.

So, continue chopping these things.

[Laban] All right.

Well, while you're doing that, Madeline says to use one pound of whole tomatoes, stewed are okay.

Now, she didn't say whether it was a live, raw tomato or whether it was a cooked tomato.

But I took that since she said stewed were okay, that it was canned tomatoes, and you don't need to mash them up with a fork because nowadays the manufacturers dice tomatoes.

-[Larry] Do it for you.

-And do it for you.

So, I've got a-- what used to be a 16-ounce can of diced tomatoes, and it now is 14 and a half ounces because they've gone cheap on us.

And put them all in with the juice.

-[Larry] Oh, good Lord.

-Ohhhh, now you've done it.

-The top was off of it.

-[Doris speaking] -Well, that's all right.

It's going to be a little spicy because I'm-- -[Laban laughs] [Larry] This makes me mad.

All right.

Never mind.

It's going to be a little peppery.

This one's going to be for the staff.

Something real, something real big must have just happened.

[Laban] Yeah, they need to be spiced up around here.

-The sales department has come into the studio while we're on the air.

You suppose they're trying to tell us something?

They wouldn't be trying to tell us they've underwritten the show.

-[Laban] Oh.

-Oh, listen, he's laughing.

This is going to be real peppery, ladies and gentlemen, because I had the wrong end open.

All right.

Now, I've got to take a medium onion and chop it up at this point.

I think there's an awful lot of onion and stuff in this, but there's very little of anything else in here, so maybe that's why.

And I'll tell you something else that happened.

You learn something every day.

-[crew] [sneezes] -Bless you.

[chuckles] I think that one of our camera people has distemper.

Where is it?

Oh, here it is.

I could not find corn tortillas because I'm told by Miss Doris, who knows everything, that they are not found in the regular little Mexican food section of the store, which is where I was looking.

Corn tortillas are found in the dairy section.

I didn't know that.

-[Laban] Yeah.

-So, I bought flour ones.

I can't help it.

I didn't know what else to do.

Live and learn.

There you go.

That's what this show is all about.

-[Doris] [indistinct] -What?

-[Doris] [indistinct] -Why is she talking off camera?

-[Laban] I don't know.

-Come over here, Doris.

Come over here.

Now, why don't you just talk right into my chest?

-In the dairy section or where the luncheon meats are, that's where you'll find the Mexican stuff.

-Well, next time you go with me.

-Okay.

I-- -[Laban laughs] -Okay.

[Laban] All right.

Now in this bowl-- -Yeah.

-I have the raspberry Jell-O and the canned tomatoes, diced tomatoes.

It is blood red.

It is really red.

And all you do now-- [Larry] [laughs] Do not adjust your sets.

[Laban] --is pour this into a mold or you could leave it right in the bowl and it will mold.

-[Larry] What?

-It'll mold.

-[Larry] The mold in the bowl, the mold is-- -Mold in the bowl.

-[Larry] Okay.

[laughs] -Now, that being done... [Larry] I think it's good the salespeople watch the show.

-Oh, it is.

It's amazing.

-He's getting a big kick out of it.

He says, "You know, that's not such a bad show.

Maybe I could--" Hey.

Oh, there we are.

Mr. Johnson is, uh... What are you doing?

-I'm getting out the, the one-- -Now, this is pretty.

You'll be impressed.

-This is the one I did at home.

And now I'm going to make a horseradish sauce for it.

[Larry] Ooooh!

Well, this does sound good.

I will have to admit.

-Doris and I had a lot of fun getting this out of the mold.

It was very interesting.

[Larry] Boy, the staff is going to light up when they get hold of this one tomorrow.

Ol' Lare will be taking the one home that he cooked at home properly.

The one that I dumped all the pepper in stays here.

[Doris] [indistinct] -You're right.

It is true.

People die every day of too much salt.

No one has ever died of too much pepper, remember that.

You can never overdo the pepper, I swear.

It's true.

What am I doing now?

Drifting off.

Now I got to open up some cream of mushroom soup.

And I'm cutting this off because it's pretty much done at this point.

Doesn't even need to be drained because I bought real lean burger.

Why don't you give those, uh, recipes.

[laughs] -[Laban] Yeah.

I'm trying to open up the sour cream.

-Oh, you're trying to open up something.

All right.

I'm going to put a little milk in with this.

And for some strange reason, you mix the leek and the onion in this stuff.

I would think that you would fry it with the burger.

That's something else that I'm wondering about.

But what can you do?

-No, you just pour it over.

-Just pour it over.

That's all you do.

Well, it's not coming out.

-[Laban laughs] -This is not a good day for me.

Actually, it's been a pretty good day overall.

Are you having fun, ma'am?

You can say anything you want to.

You can yell, scream, do anything.

It's an ensemble production.

We have several people sitting around, standing around the studio wondering, what is it?

Why'd I throw the can away?

I need the can.

[Laban] I don't know.

That was kind of peculiar.

-That much.

I'm pretty good at this.

That much we know.

-All right.

Now, I have put a cup of sour cream into a small bowl and I'm going to finish it with two teaspoons of horseradish.

Except I think that's mighty puny.

But that's what I'll do.

One, two, and a little bit for good luck.

-What are you making, Johnson?

-[Laban] A sauce for this out of sour cream and horseradish.

-[Larry] Oh, okay.

-And it's got to have a little sugar, a teaspoon of sugar.

[Larry] Is this one of those church dinner type things?

-Well, I don't know whether you'd take this to church or not.

[Larry] Take it any way you can.

-Let's see if I can get a teaspoon of salt-- or, uh, sugar.

-I'm not chopping jalapenos, ladies and gentlemen.

Into the soup and a little milk, we're going to put the peppers.

Close enough.

And into that, you're also going to put the leeks and the onions and mix it all together.

That's an awful lot of stuff.

And make sure you're real, you don't get it all over everything like I just did.

There we go.

There we go.

Boy, what a mess.

I'm going to add a little bit of milk to that, I think.

I believe it needs just a little bit more.

You can thin it down.

It's not going to hurt it.

Doesn't that look good, Mr. Johnson?

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-Makes you want to eat it right out of the bowl, doesn't it?

-[Laban] Sure does.

-[Larry] Okay.

And I'll be ready for the next part of this momentarily.

Go right on.

-Alright, well, here's the sauce.

A cup of sour cream, two teaspoons of horseradish, or to taste, and a teaspoon of sugar.

And once that's all mixed together, you just want to kind of spread it around on the top of this thing.

And... [Larry] Take your time spreading it around over the top of the thing there.

-Well, I will.

I can... [Larry] That's pretty.

Now put some over on the other side there.

[Laban] Oh, thank you so much for the kind direction.

[Larry] Just trying to cheer you on here.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

-[Laban] Look at this.

[Larry] I'll never-- I'll never last until the end of the show.

-[crew] [indistinct] -[Larry] Oh, phew.

Thank heavens.

But now Mr. Johnson's doing his-- you know, that does look good.

I've had this before, haven't you?

Have you never, never had this before?

I think I have.

[Laban] I've never had raspberry Jell-O and tomatoes at the same time.

[Larry] Well, maybe I haven't.

But I've had the, uh, tomato aspic with the horseradish stuff on top of it.

-[Laban] Yeah.

Right.

[Larry] Maybe that's what I'm thinking.

And it's real good.

Now do you bake that, or?

-[Laban] No, it's finished.

Do you bake it?

Oh, Lord.

I'm surrounded today.

-[Larry] By idiots.

Completely surrounded by ignets.

-Well, anyway, so that's mine.

I'm completely finished.

I don't have another thing to do except take it to the table.

-Well, I'm certainly sorry to hear that.

Now we're going to, ladies and gentlemen, take the cameras down the hall and interview people in offices.

No, I have lots to do.

-I'll tell you what, do you want me to give my recipe?

-Let's do the recipe.

-[Laban] Let me give my recipe.

[Larry] Then I'll do part two of mine.

[Laban] It's Madeline's Tomato Salad.

One package of raspberry gelatin, a half cup boiling water, a pound of whole tomatoes, stewed okay.

But actually diced is better.

And for the dressing, a cup of sour cream, one teaspoon of sugar, and two teaspoons of horseradish.

And that's it.

-[Larry] [laughs] Oh, okay.

The Green Chili Casserole: two jalapenos diced, a can of cream of mushroom soup, a leek chopped, a medium onion chopped, a can of black olives, a pack of Mexican cheese, one and a half pounds of lean ground beef.

You can also, by the way, substitute chicken if you want to.

And it makes approximately 12 corn tortillas if you can find them.

-[Laban] I don't have corns.

-And in a couple minutes, the very lovely Miss Doris is going to be in here.

[laughs] Take these tortillas, here's what you do.

I don't know why you put these flat.

See, if I were doing this recipe, what I would do is take the hamburger and put it in the tortilla, roll those up, put them all the way across, put all the other goop on top of it, cheese on top of that.

Don't you think that makes sense?

[Laban] You could do it.

Certainly do it that way.

-But that's not the way you're supposed to do it.

So, anyway, you take that and put it down.

Well, I think I could put another one in here.

This is a little bit larger than the one I had.

This is supposed to be greased, isn't it?

She doesn't know.

She doesn't care.

-[Laban laughs] -She hardly even shrugs anymore.

She hardly gives me the time of day on this recipe.

Well, you're supposed to layer this, and perhaps I should, for the sake of time, but I'm not going to.

So, anyway, put that in there.

And then the next thing you do is you put this, not all of it, just a little bit.

This is your onion mushroom goop.

Stuff goes in there.

And perhaps just a little bit of cheese.

Mexican cheese.

I think that's funny.

I don't know why.

You know, Mexican cheese is just a bunch of different cheeses mixed together.

Put that in there, and you layer another one, another one.

Let's give this to the staff.

There we go.

And then you take the rest of this and put it on top like so, and swish it all around.

Then on top of that goes some of the olives, which I've also gotten pre-chopped.

I'm sorry, I'm getting as bad as you, Johnson.

I just don't have time.

I'm just so harried anymore.

You know, three or four careers, it's difficult.

Do that.

And I also put a few on top.

Just a few.

Stop laughing.

So, anyway, 325 degrees, 15 to 20 minutes.

And it all just looks real pretty, and it's real nice.

-[Laban] Just barfs up together.

-It's great.

It's perfect.

And I'll take it out of the oven in a little bit and let you see what it's like.

Doris is-- -[Laban] Well, the Cook Sisters are here.

-Oh, you want to do that?

-Yeah, let's-- let's have the Cook Sisters come in.

-And then we'll get old Miss Thing in here.

-[Laban] Miss Ford.

-Miss Ford.

She'll come in.

She's a little grumpy today.

But I'm going to kiss up on her, give her a little smoochin', get her in the mood to go on TV.

Here are the Cooks.

-[Tootsie] Hey, sis.

-[Sister] Yes.

-Beads.

-Beads.

-Nice beads.

When you're making a berry pie... -And they have little messages on them so you can read them.

-What's it say?

-It says, "She is a big fool."

-When you're making a berry pie-- -Uh-huh.

-and you don't want the crust to stick and get soggy, what you do is you sprinkle the bottom of the crust with a mixture of flour and sugar.

-Oh, it's a miracle.

It's amazing.

-That's another wonderful thing from me.

I'm Tootsie Cook.

-And I'm Sister Cook.

-And we're the Cook Sisters.

-And now, ladies and gentlemen, through the miracle of electronics, she's not actually here but through chroma key, we have Doris Ford.

And it'll look like she's actually standing beside me.

Actually, she is in Naganaw or whatever that place is.

So, anyway.

How you doing?

-[Laban] Nagano.

-In Nagano.

Naganaw.

-[Laban] That's in Maine.

Oh, for Pete's sakes.

-Well, hey, nobody at CBS can pronounce it either, so it's okay.

Hey, Doris, you look like you're actually standing beside me.

-Right.

And it even feels like it.

-Take your time.

-Okay.

Uh, does anybody want a couple puppies?

[laughs] [Laban] Oh, no.

-Somebody dropped off puppies in front of my house.

-Oh, that's terrible.

-And I can't even get the SPCA to talk about it.

Anybody to take these puppies.

-Well, what kind are they?

-I think they're little hounds, and probably mixed up with something.

But they're tearing my house to shreds and driving us all insane.

And they're about this big and cute, black and white.

By the time you see this, they'll be gone.

[laughs] -I was going to say this will be real meaningful six years from now.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-Go ahead.

-But anyway, I had to make a casserole.

-It's pretty.

[Doris] And I tried it last night for supper, and it was pretty good.

It takes two cups of fresh or frozen corn, one cup of cooked rice, one medium onion chopped, one green pepper chopped, one small can of mushrooms.

And then you brown your onions and your green pepper in some oil.

And then add the rest of the ingredients.

I guess to warm it up more than anything.

And then make a white sauce out of four tablespoons of margarine, four tablespoons of flour, and one and a half cups of milk and a half a cup of the drained juice from the mushrooms.

If you don't have that, then add on milk.

Now, I had fresh mushrooms at home, so I used fresh mushrooms in it.

And it was very good that way.

And it's sort of like a cream, almost like a cream-- -Did you grow these mushrooms?

You and Harold grow these?

-[Doris] No.

[Laban] I just wanted to ask that question.

[Larry] Because they live out in the woods, you know.

[Doris] I thought that would be pretty neat once I get those logs.

And what do you call those?

Suzuki?

Whatever.

-[Laban] Oh, Larry gave me one.

-[Doris] Did it work?

-A couple of Christmases ago, I got him one of those things from a catalog and you water it, what, every day or every couple of days?

-[Laban and Doris] Yeah.

-Gave him that thing and what happened?

-Well, it was all wrapped up, and he gave it to me ahead of time because he was going out of town.

And by the time I opened it up, every-- they had come out and then croaked.

[all laugh] -It was the biggest mess I've ever seen.

[Larry] But he held on to it for a while because we held hope that they were actually going to produce mushrooms.

-But they actually-- -So, he just had this big mess sitting around the house for a long time.

[Laban] They just molded.

-I thought that would be kind of fun to try.

-It was the thought that counts.

-[Laban] It was.

It was a lovely thought that didn't work.

-But this is a pretty good recipe.

The cholesterol is pretty, you know, with all that cream, whatever stuff in it.

But I guess this is an old timey Southern-type thing.

-You could use that, uh, evaporated nonfat milk.

And that works instead of cream.

-Well, I did cut back on, you know, used the margarine.

That was cheaper.

I didn't use the other, so... Am I killing enough time?

-Well, that's about all we can say about that.

But thanks a lot.

And it's real pretty.

-Okay.

-And we hope to see it on a table near us.

-[Laban] Yes.

-Very lovely Doris Ford.

I have to get mine out of the oven.

[Laban] And you've got to tell us your recipe, don't you?

-Oh, I haven't told the recipe?

Didn't I?

I've already done that.

-[Laban] Did he?

-[laughs] Mr. Johnson just sort of wigged out there for a few minutes.

He just sort of lost it.

That's okay.

It happens to me all the time.

One of these drawers, that's the one.

Okay.

[drawer drops off] -[Laban laughs] -[Doris laughs] -I can never remember which one it is.

Would you put that in there for the staff?

And don't tell them about the pepper, please.

Oh, this looks good.

Smells good, too.

We'll find out, I reckon.

Laban, that's real pretty.

It's a pretty dish, I think.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-Boom, that's out of here.

I was wondering about whether you can actually-- well, look at that.

You can serve it.

-[Laban] Well, look.

-Look at that, it serves beautifully.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-I didn't think that you'd be able to.

This lady knows what she's doing.

I should leave her alone.

Well, maybe she does.

Maybe she doesn't.

I can't get it out of the dish.

Oh, that's attractive.

There we go.

-Oh, it looks delicious.

-[Larry] Uh-huh.

-And I'm sure it would have been delicious with corn tortillas.

[laughs] -[Larry laughs] He is so mean.

I'm sorry.

When looking for corn tortillas, don't go to the Mexican food section.

Go to the dairy case.

I didn't know that.

I really-- I can't know everything.

See, that's the wonderful thing about the show.

We still learn, too.

And one time in the last 18 years, I think there was once even an occasion when Laban learned something on the show.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-But I can't remember.

-[Laban] But I can't remember.

-What it was.

He's done forgotten it.

Isn't that sad.

[Laban] I want to taste this Jell-O stuff.

[Larry] It looks beautiful.

It really does.

I'm going to try Miss Doris'.

Well, what do you think?

[laughs] -This is, uh... -[Doris] Which one?

-[Larry] It's what?

-Mine.

This is bizarre.

[laughs] -[laughs] Well, I'm going to try Doris'.

What is this stuff, Doris?

I've already forgotten.

-It's a corn casserole.

-[Doris] Corn casserole.

-It's pretty good.

I think that I would prefer just plain old corn instead of that-- baked pudding.

But uh...

Tortillas are comin' flyin' in here from everywhere.

I'm going to try yours and see if it's as bizarre as you say it is.

I haven't tried mine yet.

But I'll try this first.

You know, it's not an entrée.

Whooo.

And it's not a dessert.

I don't know what it is.

What is it?

It's like an aspic.

[Laban] It's a go-along.

It's a side dish, like a salad.

-It's interesting.

I can't say that I dislike it.

I think it's interesting.

It's not something I would prepare.

But I would appreciate it if you would.

Okay?

-Mm-hmm.

-So, what do you think of mine?

-Yours is delicious.

Doris, I think yours is kind of starchy-flavored.

-Mm, it is.

[Doris] Well, it's got rice in it, and four tablespoons of flour.

-Well-- -Yeah.

-we have some interesting dishes here.

And, uh...mm.

And we have old Dobbin behind the camera, you know that?

Stomping his feet.

Well, what can I tell you?

This is great.

This is interesting.

Good, I think, in its own way.

And who knows about that.

Come back again.

[laughs] We hope you'll come back again and again.

[♪♪♪] [music fades out]