[♪♪♪] -Hey!

-Oh!

They come in so suddenly.

Don't you know to knock before you come in?

-Well, you know, they used to have a horn or something.

We've tried to arrange to get a telephone put in here on the set so they can call us and tell us we're going to be on air.

-Yes, that would be nice.

And the doorbell just rattles me real bad.

-I have a sweater today that I think looks like a test pattern.

Do you think I look a little like a-- do not adjust your set, ladies and gentlemen.

This is only a test.

-Right.

Yes, it does.

-Doesn't it look like a test pattern?

-Uh-huh, just a little bit.

-This is my TV sweater.

I don't know what that means, but it is.

-And this looks like Lamby has been laying on it.

-Looks like cat hair.

-Uh-huh.

-Do I have cat hair all over my back, really?

-Just a little.

-Just a little bit?

-Some, yeah.

-Okay, well.

-You need one of those things with tape, you know.

-Well, I have one of those things, Laban.

But I just-- well I-- -It's hard to get to your back when you live alone.

[laughs] -I was gonna say, [indistinct].

How can you do it?

You have to roll on your back, like-- -You need a back roller.

-That's right.

-What are we doing?

-Where is that witch?

-Where is she?

-Where is she?

Is she over there?

-Woo!

-Oh, here she is, right.

-[Laban laughs] -She did a little thing around there.

-Uh-huh.

Circled around.

-Boom-o.

Now, do you want me to read this?

-Yes, if you would.

-Okay.

I think we only need the twice-boiled water.

That's what we're having today.

It's a new Chinese dish, Twice-Boiled Water.

-Twice-boiled.

Peking style.

-"Dear boys, Roses are red, violets are blue.

"Got fruit salads just from you?

"The doctor says I need more fiber in my diet to correct a condition in my colon."

Thank you, Laban, for having the witch bring this.

"I thought a colon was a punctuation mark.

"But anyway, the sawbones says a good source of fiber is in fruits and raw vegetables."

And isn't that true.

"What can you do for me?"

Ada Oatsbran of--what is it?

Roughage, Nebraska.

-Uh-huh.

-Well, it just so happens-- -That today is your lucky day.

-You're right.

-We're going to do fruit salads and it's really a roughage day.

-Oh, dear.

Could I do something first?

-Yeah.

-Okay, because what happens is I have to stand around and wait for-- I have to wait for my-- -Your pot to boil.

-My gelatin to become gelatinous.

I'm doing a blueberry salad, sent in by Violet Johnson of Mechanicsville, Virginia.

-Oh!

-A lot of good mechanics up there.

-Yes.

-They work on cars all the time up there.

So, anyway, but I'm working-- but Violet works on blueberries.

-What do you call-- -Huh?

-What do you call a bunch of mechanics?

Like, you know, a clutch of mechanics?

[laughs] -[laughs] That's so bad.

So bad.

But anyway, this thing calls for-- it's a gelatin-type thing.

I hope you won't hold it against me, but I'm going to do it anyway.

It calls for using some kind of gelatin.

It has a particular brand name, but you know, you could use most any kind.

In fact, I am, because it was cheaper than the other kind.

And this in particular is-- bless you.

One of our camera people's come down with a bad cold.

-Well, they've all been sick.

-They got the snorts.

Actually, I think he has distemper but I'm not sure.

-Uh-huh.

-No, that's right.

Andre got shots for it.

-Yes.

-Yeah, okay, he's all right.

Mix-- -He looks good with that dog collar he wears.

-You got to mix the gelatin with a cup of hot water and it says a half a cup of cold water, but you know the instructions on the thing says a cup of cold water.

So, I did it in accordance with the instructions on the thing.

And the reason I got to get started this is because I've got to cool this before I do the rest of it.

So, I got to cool it.

And then add your cold water in there.

There we go.

That's cold water; at least, I hope that's what that was.

And now you just got to stick this in the refrigerator until it becomes slightly gelatinous.

-It'll never happen in our lifetime.

-It doesn't matter because I have the real one in there waiting for the rest of the recipe.

Yes, we will.

Oh, we could put ice cubes in it.

I wonder if we have any ice cubes.

-Yes.

-As a matter of fact, we do.

-We do.

-We do.

-Throw 'em down on the floor.

That's the best way.

-That's what we'll do.

We'll throw some ice in there and that will hustle this thing along just a wee bit.

All right, that's it, Johnson.

-Wait a minute.

You've left an extra cube here that could melt and run down your leg or something.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-All right.

I'm doing a little fruit salad that was sent in by our dear friend Ann Masters of Roanoke, Virginia.

And Annie sent this to me and didn't know we were going to do it on the air, but it's a wonderful salad, so why not?

You need two cups of orange slices, and I want to show you how to do the easiest way to do an orange.

And-- sharp knife, and cut off one end.

That's not quite enough.

You need to cut off a little more, so I'm going to pick off another about an eighth of an inch.

And then do the same thing on the bottom, cut it off until the orange flesh shows.

Okay, now we'll throw this away.

Now, this is really easier than the way we used to do it with-- -Wasn't that a name of a drink, soft drink, Orange Flesh?

[laughs] -LABAN: Oh, no, please.

You just cut vertically along the white rim and get rid of that, all that pith.

-I beg your pardon?

-The pith, the part-- you know, Doris told me she likes to eat this white part.

-Oh, nobody eats that.

-Well, Doris does.

-Well, it's bitter.

Who would-- Doris, no wonder you have such a-- a what?

Ascerbic attitude sometimes.

-Uh-huh.

'Cause she eats the bitter stuff.

Anyway, that's what an orange looks like undressed.

-Do you need a pith helmet when you're taking that off?

-LABAN: No, no, no.

-LARRY: For protection?

-And just cut it and we're going to cut it into sections, and here we go.

And we're gonna need two cups of this and it'll take just a little while to do all this.

-Oh, well, take your time, Johnson.

-Oh, have you got other things to do?

-We have the biggest portion of the show still ahead of us, and I'm practically finished with mine.

[laughs] -All right.

Well, I'll just pick these up.

-I'm going to open a can now, Laban.

-Oh.

-I have to open this can of pineapple chunks.

And make sure that you get chunks.

You know, Mr. Johnson one time couldn't tell chunks from what was it you got?

-I know, it was crushed.

-It crushed, so make sure you get the chunks.

It says so right on the can.

And I need to drain it.

You need to drain everything, your berries and your-- well, I'll tell you about it in a minute.

Go ahead, Johnson.

-All right, well, I'm continuing to peel this.

This is about four regular-sized oranges.

These are not the one, the little bitty ones where you get a whole sack of 'em for something.

These are per orange, but not the most expensive ones.

I mean, we're still trying to be cheap here in as-- however much we can.

And they are seedless.

-Doesn't that pineapple chunk smell good?

-And so do these oranges.

-LARRY: They certainly do.

-You know, back in the Middle Ages, they used orange skins like this as a deodorant.

Did you know that?

-LARRY: But you know, it was so difficult to keep the oranges under your armpits.

-Well, it was, but that's what they did.

They actually squeezed oranges and things.

-Is that so, really?

-Put 'em in their clothes so they'd have a deodorant.

Because, you know, they didn't have all the nice soap products that we have today and they smelled bad.

Real bad.

-Uh-huh.

I guess the oranges is how we started the roll-on craze.

[laughs] 'Cause they're round.

[laughs] -Well, I never thought of that.

That's probably true.

-Well, that's why I'm on the program, Mr. Johnson, you know, to add all of these-- -Uh-huh.

To bring in those commonsensical highlights.

-Some little highlights.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

-LARRY: And low lights.

-Well, now these oranges all go over here into the measure.

And that's four-- I had two in there and I peeled two here, so that's about four oranges.

And I'll wipe this off while Larry does something else.

-[Laban laughs] -Okay.

Well, strangely enough, I do have something else to do.

This calls for blueberries, lots of blueberries.

And that's why it's called a blueberry salad.

[laughs] Isn't that interesting.

Now, at this time of the year when we're doing this program, whenever that might be, you can't get fresh blueberries.

You can most of the time now, but we've just hit that one period of the year when it's difficult to find 'em.

But you can use frozen ones, and so that's what I've done.

And this is an entire package of frozen berries.

And at this point, this stuff is starting to set up just a little bit.

It really is, it's starting to get just a little gelatinous.

It doesn't need to get very far.

So, you add the package of blueberries.

And you don't want that juice in there.

Make sure you drain 'em pretty well.

I thought I had 'em all drained out; as you can see, I missed a little something.

And a 20-ounce can, I think that's what that is.

A 14-ounce can-- a 20-ounce can.

[laughs] It's one of 'em cans about as big as your hand, and that goes in there.

Also, pineapple chunks drained.

And at this point, you will just mix this stuff.

And now, you will set it in the refrigerator until it sets up real firm.

And then I'll show you what else goes into it.

Johnson?

-Thank you.

I now need a cup and a half of sliced fresh strawberries.

Use fresh, don't use the frozen ones in this one because they're almost always full of sugar.

And the strawberries are just beginning to come in from the other coast.

I guess all of 'em down south of here were froze to death.

But these are pretty good.

We had a friend that was working down there and brought some up here and they were just out of this world, from down in F-L-A, Florida.

But we're going to just keep slicing-- -You're capping 'em.

-Mm-hm, just pull the little-- -That's what that's called, ladies and gentlemen, capping 'em.

-Right.

I thought that's when I put my hat on, but-- -No, no, no.

We used to do that all the time.

Now you're slicing 'em.

Previously, you were capping 'em.

-And these strawberries have been washed.

-LARRY: Thoroughly.

-LABAN: Thoroughly.

-I saw him running 'em through the washer earlier today.

-So those of you that like to call in and complain about-- -Well, while you're doing that-- -All right.

LARRY: --let me do something else here.

-Okay.

Just go right ahead.

-In anticipation of the next portion of the program, I'm taking just a big old block of cream cheese.

And I'm going to put it down into a Pyrex thing.

And this is-- I think this is eight ounces.

I don't seem to remember anything.

Eight ounces, indeed.

And I'm going to put this down in here because it's already softened.

It's very, very soft, as you can see.

But I think it needs to be a little softer still, so I'm going to take that and put it in a microwave oven for just a wee little bit at a very low temperature and warm it up just a little bit so that it'll pour, and to that we'll add some pecan chips.

We'll do that in a couple of minutes.

Mr. Johnson?

-Mmm.

Are they like potato chips?

-Mm-hmm.

They're real good.

-All right.

And I'm doing the last strawberry.

This is about a half a pound or one and a half cups of sliced strawberries.

Now, we're going to put all those down in there and we're going to put in some-- wipe off my sticky hands.

Now, we're going to put in some little spices, and first we're going to start with a quarter teaspoon of cinnamon.

And I had--if I can get it open.

I had this open, this cinnamon left over from my Christmas baking.

And just sprinkle that cinnamon right in there.

And then a quarter of a teaspoon of pepper.

And let's watch Doris jump.

Doris, where is the pepper?

And the salt?

I'll get it, it's right up here.

I've got some up here.

-She says it isn't, and she's gone to a far corner of the studio to get it and-- -Well, it certainly is.

No, I've got it right here.

You need just a little-- -[singing] La cucaracha, la cucaracha... -an eighth of a teaspoon.

Just a little dab of salt.

-It says optional, she says.

-You could leave it out.

-LARRY: It says optional, that's why she's so huffy about it.

-And then here is the-- well, I... and then a quarter of a teaspoon of pepper, black ground pepper.

If I can get it down in here in this huge-- and it ought to be freshly ground but we don't have the pepper mill here today.

LARRY: I don't need to use my knife, my choppers are perfectly good, Ms. Doris.

-And then we'll need a quarter of-- and I'm sorry, a tablespoon of honey.

-Well, take your time on that honey, there.

[chuckles] -Well, I'm just--you know, it takes a little bit here to do it.

There's the honey.

-Oh, yeah.

We've got time.

I'm not worried, Jim.

-And a tablespoon of olive oil.

And this is my own oil that I do.

It's got lemon in it.

I gave you some last year for Christmas.

-Do you raise this oil yourself?

-Uh-huh, I do.

There's freshly squeezed-- -He has an oil farm, ladies and gentlemen.

-Olives.

-It's a pretty slick operation.

[laughs] -Listen to that.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Let me clean this.

-Well, someone's got to add a little humor here.

I think it's a right dull show thus far, don't you?

-You know, what can you do?

-Some days in the kitchen, that's right, it's just dull.

-That's right.

And you know, sometimes it's hard to come up with something to do with fruit.

All right, now, let me toss this around.

-[laughs] I'm right tickled, I don't know what about.

-And this has got to marinate.

-Marry-a-nate, as they say here.

LABAN: For at least 30 minutes.

So, I'm going to just stir this around.

-Why don't we just sit and watch it marinate for a while?

-LABAN: Oh, we could.

-What do you think?

No, I've got some stuff to do.

I have these readily chipped pecans and I have heated this cream cheese up a little bit so it's now very, very soft and delicate and wonderful, and lovely.

And what you do is you add about a half of the container into the cream cheese and mix that all around real good... like so.

And that becomes sort of a part of this whole thing.

And here, we have the actual-- this one has been sitting in the refrigerator overnight and so this is all set up with the blueberries and the pineapple.

There you go.

Now, what you do is you take this stuff and spread it on top.

Am I doing okay thus far, Doris?

Doris, she looks rather unpleasant today.

LABAN: She didn't want to come.

LARRY: I'm not sure exactly what it is.

LABAN: She told me.

She didn't want to be here today.

LARRY: She just doesn't seem her old chipper self here today.

LABAN: She wanted to stay home on her porch.

LARRY: Uh-huh.

So, anyway, you put this-- so you have to have this stuff soft or you'd never be able to do this.

You would wreck, literally wreck your gelatin.

LABAN: I can't believe it worked.

-Well, of course it works, Mr. Johnson.

I'm a pro.

-[Laban chuckles] -Anyway, there you go with the-- he laughs.

And then what you do-- well, I'll save the last step for a couple of minutes from now.

Let me give you the recipe, by the way.

-All right.

-Mm!

Blueberry Salad, two cups fresh blueberries or frozen berries thawed if you don't have 'em, if they're out of season.

One three-ounce package of raspberry or blackberry Jell-O, or any other gelatin will do.

One 20-ounce can of pineapple chunks, drained, a little water, cream cheese and chopped nuts, pecans preferred, for the topping.

And what you do is you use up half of 'em.

Would you two stop-- so anyway, they're having a little cross-conversation while I'm trying to-- so anyway, take the remainder of the nuts and spread it across the top like this, and it just becomes lovely beyond belief, ladies and gentlemen.

It is so pretty.

-LABAN: I need a frying pan.

-[laughs] And a hearing aid.

If you could possibly get a hearing aid, that would be nice.

What are you doing-- that's it.

That's the whole thing.

-LABAN: Oh, no.

-Isn't it just lovely?

-LABAN: It is.

-It is.

Now, Mr. Johnson, what are you doing?

-I'm tearing up some salad greens.

-Well, take your time.

-Well, I will.

And then I'm going to toast some pine nuts if Doris can show up with a frying pan to do it in.

-Oh, she's trying, she's trying.

But you know, she usually is trying.

[laughs] -Well, she is.

-She's especially-- -One of the most trying people I've ever worked with.

-She's especially trying today.

-Oh, no.

Now she brings over the mother of all frying pans.

-If it's okay with you, Mr. Johnson, I think I'm just going to sit down and have a little bite and run.

-Okay.

-I have things to do.

-Oh, I could make a comment right now, but I won't.

All right, now, we need a tablespoon of roasted pine nuts... toasted.

-By the way, the Cook Sisters are around today when we get a chance.

-Oh, are they?

Well, let's bring 'em in while I-- -What are you going to do with those?

-Toast 'em.

-Oh, okay.

Well, while the old pine nuts are toasting on an open fire, [laughs] here are the Cook Sisters coming by to say hi, and then we'll have Doris and lots of other things, and hopefully, seven or eight more minutes worth of stuff.

-Fill up the time.

-[Larry laughs] -TOOTSIE: Oh!

-SISTER: Oh!

I've got those TSP powers.

[laughs] TOOTSIE: [laughs] ESPN.

Oh, my heavens.

SISTER: Oh, whatever.

Do you know you can make your own wine vinegar if you take five gallons of spring water and put 'em into ten pounds of crushed raisins.

And then you let it sit for about a month where it's warm and you'll have your own wine vinegar.

-TOOTSIE: What?

SISTER: Vinegar!

-TOOTSIE: Oh, oh.

-I'm Sister Cook.

-And I'm Tootsie Cook.

-And we're the Cook Sisters.

-All right, the girls are always wonderful.

-Yes, they are.

-And did you see that levitational thing they did?

That's amazing.

-I did, I did.

-It really is.

How are those old pine nuts coming along?

-Well, they're doing good.

Let me do my recipe right now, and then we'll bring out Aunt Doris.

-LARRY: All right.

-LABAN: All right.

You need two cups of orange slices, a cup and a half of strawberry slices, a quarter teaspoon each of cinnamon, ground pepper, and maybe an eighth of a teaspoon of salt, or you could leave it out.

A tablespoon of honey, a tablespoon of olive oil, and about three cups of salad greens.

And my pine nuts are beginning to-- -Now, you're just doing that with nothing in there at all.

Just-- -LABAN: You just put 'em in-- -That's just dry.

-LABAN: You have to flip 'em a little bit.

-My heavens, I could have had my eye put out.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

LARRY: Can you smell 'em?

I mean, do they get brown or what happens?

-LABAN: Yes.

They're getting brown.

-Because I've never done this before.

It's sort of like popping popcorn except it never pops.

-Well, you got to watch 'em.

You don't want 'em to burn because that would be nasty.

But they're doing fine.

-Should we have Doris out?

-Yeah, might as well.

Then we'll toast her.

-The very lovely Doris.

-How you doing-- oh, excuse me.

That's the wrong thing.

-[laughs] -DORIS: Hi.

I had to do-- -She gets her own mic now.

Oh, here we go, my bad side.

-Part of her new contract.

DORIS: It's called a Simple Six-Cup Fruit Salad, and it's sent in by Bethany Dalton, age nine years old, from Blacksburg, Virginia.

All you do is take one cup of mandarin oranges, 11 ounces, one cup pineapple, seven to eight ounces, one cup coconut, one cup miniature marshmallows, one cup sour cream, and one cup grapes, cut in half, seedless.

Make sure you drain your oranges and your pineapple and then just mix it all together, and that's it.

It's a very simple recipe anybody can do, and then it is a good one for children.

Like I said, she is nine years old that sent this recipe in.

And that's it.

-Well, it looks good, and we're going to find out in a few minutes.

-She says I never let her talk until she's finished, and now I-- -DORIS: Okay, now I'll talk.

And the reason I didn't want to come, I was sitting in my nice greenhouse room on my nice lounge chair with a nice mystery book, and I didn't really want to come in today.

[laughs] -Okay, Doris.

Thank you very much.

[laughs] Go ahead, Johnson.

-Well, my pine nuts are toasted to a perfect turn.

-Oh, they smell good, too.

-Yes, they do.

So, I'm going to put the pine nuts into the salad.

LARRY: What a special salad this is.

LABAN: And now, we will take the fruit.

And the fruit is over here in a plastic bag because I did it earlier so that it would marinate enough.

And Larry, if you will-- -Oh.

[laughs] Excuse me, I was putting my stuff away.

-I'm going to pour all this down in here.

Uh-oh.

-Now, that's the marinated stuff.

LABAN: Yes, with the olive oil and the cinnamon and all that.

And now we're going to toss it.

LARRY: Now, I tell--we're-- this is a stunning salad.

-And I'm doing it just like I would do at home.

-Very delicately with your fingers.

LABAN: Fingertips only.

LARRY: Fingertips only, ladies and gentlemen, only fingertips allowed.

-And the olive oil and the juice from the oranges make your salad dressing, and your pine nuts will give it a little bit of crunch.

So, there is our salad, and my hands are-- -Well, I have not seen a salad quite like it.

I will have to say of all my salads down through the years, that one is very different from anything I've seen.

-All right, well.

-Do you have actual salad utensils that we might-- get this-- -Sure, right over here.

-He always remembers everything, and he has two spoons.

Okay, well, that's as good as anything.

It really is.

-It'll do.

Dragging our tails behind us.

-[Larry grunts] Oh, that smells good.

-I don't think you got enough strawberries, so let me-- -Don't you shortchange me on the strawberries.

And here, let me give you-- oh, I'll let you get that salad first.

Aren't these pretty salads?

They really are, they're very lovely salads.

It's our salad days.

We are getting a little older than we used to be.

And I'm going to take a little of this gelatinous mess, although it smells delightful and it's just full of-- spring your thing over here.

-LABAN: All right.

I certainly don't want to have it in my lap.

-[laughs] Well, I don't know.

-LABAN: As you are prone to do.

-Now, let me make sure that you get one of these.

-LABAN: Yes.

-I want you to have the full complement of it.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

-That's it, that's all you're gettin'.

-It's all I need, actually.

-That's the greatest of plenty.

There's enough sugar in here to put us all into tomorrow.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

Well-- -Well, I'll try your salad and see how it is.

-Okay, I'll try yours.

Uh-oh, the whipped cream has gotten tough.

-The whipped cream has gotten tough?

There is no whip-- oh, the cream cheese.

-The cream cheese.

-Oh, has it really?

-Mm-hm.

Just a little bit.

Mm-mm.

But that is good.

-Well, I like the salad you did, Johnson.

It's most interesting but I haven't hit the first pine nut.

There's one.

Hm.

Just like eating a pine tree.

-Mm-hm.

-Well, let's see how Ms. Doris' marshmallow mess is here.

Mm.

Tastes like just like coconut and marshmallows, with some other stuff thrown in there.

[laughs] No, it's pretty good.

How could you go wrong with that?

-Well, you couldn't.

Well, these are all delicious.

-Well, you're right.

This cream cheese has a tendency to get a little on the-- well, I mean, it's not hard or anything, but it's just strange.

-LABAN: Tightens back up.

-Mm-hm.

-Well, I think we've got some good salads here.

-Well, I'm not sure what I think about the cream cheese on top of this sweet mess.

Do you--?

I guess it's okay.

-Mm-hm.

Oh, I love these pine nuts.

-Mm-hm.

Well, there you have it.

That's our salads, ladies and gentlemen.

-And they're real good and we like 'em.

And most of 'em, including mine, are healthy for you.

Look at Jim Hammerstrom standing there like he's directing.

-Well, he doesn't know.

And this is just the kind of salads that this crew is going to move in on the minute we get up from this table.

They're going to be on this sugar faster than you can say whatever.

-Oh, I know.

Except Mike.

-Mm-hm.

-Mike Carroll.

-Yeah, that's right.

He better stay away from it.

-He won't do it.

Because he could fall over like me if he eats too much.

-It's not good for him.

That's right.

That is true.

Well, this has been so much fun, and it just seems like it'll never end.

-Just ring the doorbell before you come in next time, will you?

[music fades out]