[♪♪♪] - Hey!

- Oh!

Where'd they come from?

[laughter] - Oh, we're having such a good time in the kitchen.

What are we doing?

- Oh!

[gibberish] - Welcome to Cookin' Cheap , I think.

- I think so.

- I'm going to do Not So Cheap Cheesecake.

- And I'm doing English muffins because we're having high tea here today.

- Oh.

Laban: Oh, that's correct.

- Well, where's the tea?

- Oh well, I forgot to bring it, but well, what can you do?

- You had time to go get it.

- We'll have a diet drink instead.

- Oh well.

What are these... ...things puffing up on the stove here?

Laban: This recipe is so time-consuming that I'm going to show it to you in reverse.

These are the muffins.

Larry: Don't look like muffins to me, right slick?

Laban: Yes, they are.

There's cornmeal on there.

Larry: Get over there, you little booger.

- Alright, now there they are, and those are the real English muffins and they're made from a yeast dough that we're going to show everybody about, and then they're cooked on a griddle or in your frying pan at home, and they're just right amazing.

And then, I've already cooked a couple and when these are done and they cool off, I'm going to spread them apart and toast them in our cheap oven if it'll get up hot enough to do it, and we'll have them... Larry: You have it on?

- Oh yes!

I just turned it on so... Larry: Turned it on a couple hours ago, right?

- So, it can warm up on the broiler there.

- So, it will be warm when we get ready to do the show.

Okay!

Well, good.

I'm going to do a cheesecake from scratch.

- Okay.

Well, before you do it, let me just punch my dough down.

Larry: Beg your pardon.

- Well, I mixed this dough up.

Larry: Oh, look at it.

It's swollen.

- Yes, it has, and I've got to punch it down now.

And if you listen real carefully, you'll hear the gas escape.

[hiss of gas escaping] Larry: I think you're adding something.

Laban: Now you have to punch this down like this.

Larry: My, it looks sort of like your face, Johnson.

Laban: No, I think it looks like a, well, never mind.

Larry: Well, it's just real pretty.

- Alright.

Now, it has to rest for a while so we'll just put that over there.

And you go right ahead.

- Oh!

Oh, I somehow thought there was more to it than all of that.

First thing I've got to do is make a graham cracker crust, from scratch!

Or preferably from graham crackers.

Wouldn't you say?

I'm surprised you haven't eaten some of these graham crackers.

Johnson usually gets into everything I have and today he hasn't.

- Well, I just didn't feel like I wanted graham crackers.

- It takes about four ounces of graham crackers.

And to figure that out, you can get out your little cup and it shows you what four ounces is just a little over; four ounces is about a half a cup, as a matter of fact.

I had some left over from last night when I did this recipe the first time so I have this down to a science.

They say take it and put in your... Laban: [laughs] Ah!

Take it and put it in your blender.

[laughter] - Blender and do it.

And I just think that's an awful lot of work considering that all you have to do is just take a couple of them like this and just crunch them down just like so.

They're not tough.

Now... Laban: Gosh, Larry, you would've been wonderful out there as one of the pioneers, you know, without electricity.

You knew all the things to do.

Larry: And then, you don't have to clean up your blender, you see.

That only took a minute; less than a minute to do that.

Just make sure you get all the big pieces 'cause you don't want anybody choking on it.

Ain't nothing worse than someone choking on your cheesecake.

Now, it also says do the rest of this stuff in the blender and we're not going to do that either.

We're going to take about that much of it.

I think I overdid it a little bit, so I'm going to throw the rest of it away.

Laban: Oh no!

That's perfectly good graham crackers.

- Unless you'd like to inhale this.

Laban: No, here.

No, no.

- That's the way you normally eat graham crackers.

Laban: Now wait a minute.

We're not supposed to be talking drug lingo on this show.

There are children watching!

Larry: Who in the world's talking drug lingo?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Why did you bring that up in a family show?

Laban: Yeah, yeah.

I know you, Bly.

- Drug lingo?

And a little over a quarter of ma-ma-margarine.

My mouth's not working.

I've been on vacation for a couple of weeks, and I can't talk or anything.

- Or anything.

- Or anything.

Oh, yes!

And some ground cinnamon too.

Yeah, let's see.

Oh, and one tablespoon of sugar and a little bit of ground cinnamon.

We've got to have about a half, is it a half?

An eighth.

I'm reading this through a glass thing.

Laban: Through the Pyrex.

- Here you go.

And then some sugar.

A little bit of that, and you can't overdo it too much.

Two tablespoons of melted butter and... Laban: You need some sugar?

- One tablespoon of sugar.

[lips smacking] - Get your lips outta here.

Yeah, put that in there, and just a little bit extra.

Now, take that and diddle it around here... Laban: Oh no.

- With a fork.

Producer: What?

Diddle, diddle, diddle.

Larry: Alright, now this is your base.

Laban: I beg your pardon.

This is your base!

- You know, I don't think there's anything that I have said here for the last five minutes that hasn't had some running commentary.

Larry: Well, you know, you've been on vacation and we need to get you back... - Well, I guess you're right.

Alright, now, there you go.

Just make that so it's just a little bit, what would you call that?

Just a little... Laban: A mess!

- It's, it's not a mess.

It's not a mess at all.

It's just a little tacky.

And take that and put it on the bottom.

- I wouldn't touch that one with a fork.

[laughs] And put that on the bottom of a nice dish and pat it down real good; a little baking pan of some kind.

Laban: Well, while you're doing the pan... Larry: Oh, I'm not finished yet!

Laban: Oh, oh!

But I, but I, but I... Larry: I'll tell you when you can have it again.

And just smash it; that's real pretty.

Now back to, no, wait a minute.

Laban: Oh no, wait.

Hurry!

Quick!

- I missed just a little.

And now back to Laban!

- Now I'm doing, now these are the, the little, they look like little pancakes, and they'll raise up on us, and these two are almost done.

And look, I had split these muffins and there they are, real quick.

Larry: Now they do look like real muffins... - Uh-huh.

Except, you know, I got in a hurry and they're not... - English muffins.

- As round as, whoo!

- Remember when I made those English muffins out on the road that time?

Laban: Uh-huh.

Those were scones...

...I believe.

Weren't they?

Larry: They were English muffins.

- Out on the road?

[overlapping talking] - No, we went up to Lynchburg that time... - Oh yes.

I did those English muffins using little, using little rings which we had taken from what?

Laban: Tuna fish cans... - Tuna fish cans.

Using tuna fish cans or cat food or cat food cans, cleaned of course; cleaned up.

Laban: Oh sure.

- Well, sure.

Well, what do you think we are down here?

Laban: Well, don't... - Is that the Health Department?

I think.

Laban: Yes.

- Oh anyway, was that it?

Is that all you're going to do?

- Well, it's all I need to do right now.

Larry: Well, doggone, I didn't know...

I was going to have to carry the show.

No, I'll do the rest of it.

Now for the filling... Laban: Well, suit yourself.

I guess he will.

Let's see that.

- For the filling, we gotta take, this takes an inordinate amount of cream cheese.

It takes 19 ounces, softened.

Well, this isn't very soft.

You could throw that upside someone's head.

Laban: And what is that, three?

- That's two and a half...

Cream cheeses, this size.

I'm going to open up those and put them in here.

These should have been out all day long... Softening; that's right.

And I'll tell you something else.

Laban: Or you could do it in your microwave.

- Well, yes, you could.

We don't have one here.

We can't afford one.

Laban: And we're scared to ask for it.

Because they might get us one, but then we wouldn't get a raise.

- Yeah, that's right.

What do you want?

A microwave, or a raise?

So anyway, you've got to keep opening those things up.

Also, if you're going to make pimento cheese sandwiches, which has nothing to do with this, it's a good idea to leave your cheese lay out all day long because the softer the cheese is, the smoother your pimento cheese will be and we won't have all those big lumps and gnarly things in it.

That you get so often.

And I've had some at your house that way.

If you had just left it out a few minutes, we would've been alright.

I think this big bad boy is big enough to handle this, don't you?

Laban: Well, let's see.

- We'll see.

Going to soften that up a little.

[whirring from mixer] Laban: Yeah!

Look at her.

Larry: Stop that right off the bat.

Laban: Roll that cheese around!

- Hang on a second, I've got... Laban: What's wrong?

- Well, this is getting kind of bound up in the thing there.

- All bound up in there, isn't it?

[laughter] Throw the spatula too!

- Alright!

Hang on a second here.

Nineteen ounces of softened cream, a small lemon.

This is not a small lemon, but I'm just going to take half of it.

This is an inordinately large lemon, don't you think?

Now make sure you don't get any, uh-oh.

Oh, well.

Uh-oh, there goes another one.

Laban: What?

A seed?

- Yeah.

Laban: Oh.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Miss Lola Murray gave me a juicer... - Yeah?

Laban: That we can use on the air.

It's carved out of wood and you just wham that thing into the lemon and go [loud crack] and the juice just rolls out of it.

I used it yesterday.

- Alright, there we go.

Oh yes!

And we'll also, something else we need to do is, we need to take a little bit of this lemon, the zest just on the outside and diddle some of that in there too.

Now you can do that with just an old, what is it?

Just one of those old scrapey things, but I got one of these.

This is a good recipe, I think.

I have the real one in the refrigerator and haven't tried it yet.

Ooohh, I don't want that.

That looks right nasty.

Laban: Next is the price on it.

- Put that down in there.

It was a good price too.

Three eggs also.

Producer: One.

- One.

Producer: Two.

- Two.

Larry: Three!

Laban: And one for the cook!

No.

- One teaspoon of vanilla extract.

Laban: Oh, it didn't work.

How much?

- Teaspoon vanilla extract.

Laban: Good.

[gibberish] - And now... Oh, I forgot my sugar, thank you.

I got to put some sugar in there too.

Looks right nasty right now, but it will get better.

Ooohh, I just threw some all over Doris' fine new sweater that she's wearing today.

Alright, we'll let that soften up a little bit.

Meanwhile, I've got to put some sugar in there.

How much?

Half a cup, and that's about it.

Now, that's going to be the filling part that we put in here on top of the graham cracker crust and I'll just play with this a little bit.

There goes the sugar.

That's the most important part.

And get this real smooth.

Back to Laban.

- Well, I've got some more muffins on here.

I want to show you how to split the muffins now.

You just take a fork and you go around the edge... like this... and put it in all the way.

Larry: I think this thing's missing a piston.

Laban: Might be.

Larry: Sounds funny.

Laban: Sure is noisy, though.

Larry: Does sound right funny, doesn't it?

- And then, when you get all the way around, you just pull it apart, and there it is.

And it's all cooked and real pretty.

- [Larry whistles] - Absolutely!

Thank you, thank you, one and all.

Now, going back to the beginning of this recipe, it's real easy.

You need some yeast and I'm using a rapid rise yeast, but you can use anything you want.

With this, you don't have to proof the recipe.

So you put a couple of cups of flour in a bowl, this yeast, a half a teaspoon of salt, a cup and a quarter of hot water with two tablespoons of margarine melted into it, mix it all up, knead it for ten minutes, you know, we've done that on the air.

You push it and shove it, and then, when you finish with that, you put it in a bowl, turn it over to grease it down, and let it rise for 45 minutes to an hour, and this is what you have left.

Now at this point, it's a lot of fun.

So we're going to put some flour out here on our board, flour our hands and get the dough out of the bowl.

And we just want to flour it up a little bit here.

And now, we're going to cut it in half.

Now, this is a dough blade.

You can't, you can't tear it, you gotta cut it.

So you just use your dough blade like that.

You can use a knife.

We'll put this one back over here and we've now got half of the dough, and this recipe makes 12 muffins.

So we're going to cut this piece in half and then each half in thirds, and that'll give us six pieces, so we'll have 12 pieces altogether and we'll just put these over here, out of the way.

[coughing] Ooohh, choked on a piece of flour.

Larry: They sure do smell good.

Laban: Yep.

[coughing] Oh no.

Larry: Or is that your cologne?

Laban: No, it's...

I can't tell you what it is, but anyway... Producer: Why?

Laban: You just roll them out, and after they're rolled out like this... Larry: [coughing] Pardon me, I have a cold.

- You put it onto a pan that has got, you spray it with a little cooking oil and sprinkle cornmeal on it, and the cornmeal acts as little ball bearings so that you can... [laughter] That's true.

So that you can get it off.

Larry: What are you making?

- I'm making the little... [laughter] Larry: Little ball bearings?

- Yeah.

And if you're real careful when you do this, you'll be able to roll these babies out into an almost round shape.

- [lips smacking] - And you need to do all of these.

Larry: Mmm.

Yummy.

- Roll 'em out, and then you have to let these rise again for half an hour.

Producer: Half an hour?

- Half an hour, you got it.

So-- so Larry, I'm going to keep rolling these little honeys out.

Larry: Alright.

- And I'll give it back to you.

- Okay, now look at this.

Isn't this lovely?

Look at that.

It's real, real fluffy and very delicious too; very, very nice, really.

It's fluffy!

Fluffy, he was a good dog.

Now, what we're going to do is we're going to put that down... Laban: Did you ever know anybody that had a dog named Fluffy?

Larry: I thought everybody had a dog named Fluffy.

Laban: I know.

I have known several Fluffies.

- Yeah.

What we're going to do here... Laban: I knew some cats named Fluffy.

- Do what?

Laban: I've known some cats named Fluffy.

- I've never known any.

Laban: One of them played saxophone down at the park.

- What's he talking about?

[laughter] I swear to goodness I don't know.

Somehow I believe I've been left out on the whole program.

Laban: Well, you have; you haven't been paying attention.

- I haven't been paying much attention.

Now what you've got to do is just kind of take that very carefully, smush it around because you don't want to disturb your fine... Laban: Things.

Larry: Things.

Like so.

Doing a sloppy job of it, but that's alright.

Good enough for the likes of this program.

Now what you got to do, that's real pretty, is you've got to put that... [licking fingers] Into the oven at 350 degrees for 20... Producer: Quit licking your fingers.

- For 25 minutes until that sets up.

[laughter] 350 degrees, forgive me, for 25 minutes.

Leave it on.

Leave the oven on, because after you get finished with the sour cream mix, which will be the next part of this, we're going to make, it goes on top of it, then you'll put it back in the oven for 10 more minutes, alright?

So don't forget that.

This is going to go in the oven now for, oh, for the next 20 minutes or so.

[scraping] [laughter] Now the next thing I've got to do is make the sour cream topping.

Now I'm going to go on ahead and do that.

As soon as I clean this up, I'll be right back.

Johnson.

- Well, now that we got our, our little honeys over here, I need to, oh no!

I need some water.

Well, let me just get a handful.

Thank you so much.

[water running] [laughter] What you need to do is you need to water the top of these little muffins.

You're supposed to use your pastry brush for this, but... Larry: Yeah.

- I don't have, I didn't bring it with me.

But you just water the top of them and that's easy enough to do, just like this.

Don't worry if you don't have a high priced brush.

Use your fingers.

That's why God gave them to you.

[water running] Larry: Now we've seen as much of that as we need to.

Laban: No, I've got one other.

[laughter] I swear I have never been so insulted.

Larry: Well, I'm just asking.

It's the first I'm paying any attention to you.

Laban: Well, I know.

Larry: And you're over there putting water... Laban: And you'll pay for it.

Larry: Putting water on your buns.

Laban: Well... Larry: Or whatever they are, I don't know.

- I beg your pardon.

- [laughter] - Alright.

Now we have to take some cornmeal... Larry: Uh-huh.

I thought you were supposed to cast your bread upon the water, not cast your water upon the bread.

I don't understand.

Laban: And you sprinkle it... Larry: Does that make it adhere to it?

Laban: On these wet buns.

No, these, like I said, these act as little ball bearings... Little, so that when you want to get them on and off your griddle, they'll just come right off and slide around.

If you spill any of your cornmeal, you have to throw some over your shoulder and at your best friend in order to make sure.

Now these have to rise for 30 minutes.

And at the end of 30 minutes, they will look like they looked a while ago when I was cooking them on the griddle when we started.

Larry: Ah.

- How about that?

- Okay.

I'm going to very quickly start this and then we'll visit our good friends, the Cook sisters, but... Laban: Yeah, they're here.

- What we've got to do now, this is the sour cream topping that goes on the cake after it's baked, when it comes out of the oven after 20 minutes.

You start with two cups of sour cream, which that is, and a half a cup of sugar, was that right?

Yep.

Half a cup of sugar, and two, no, one teaspoon of vanilla extract.

Boink.

Here we go.

Now, I'm just going to mix that up until it's all mixed up.

Let's visit the Cook sisters.

Laban: Oh.

- I believe they're supposed to come by for a little visit.

- I'll show you what this looks like in a minute here.

Laban: Come on in here ladies.

Laban: I think they're going to show us another wonderful instrument of-- destruction in the kitchen.

- Oh, are they really?

Laban: Uh-huh.

- I hope so.

Laban: And here they come.

It's so nice... Hey ya, sis.

- Huh?

- Remember this?

- Oh, it's your first husband's shaving kit.

It was a little rough on him.

It left big marks on his face... - Oh, no.

- 'Til he figured out that wasn't what it was.

- No, no, no, no, no.

And he used that singeing iron on his face.

- Oh.

I remember it.

Always had terrible blades... Laban: No, this is the bean slicer.

You know, in doing beans in quantity, you'd stick that old bean in there and cut the end off, and then run it right on down to string it with.

- I used to just use my fingers before they got kind of arthritic.

- Well, I know, but this was good for those that wanted to be modern and up-to-date.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

I'm Sister Cook.

- And I'm Tootsie Cook.

Both: And we're the Cook Sisters!

- Oh, they're something.

They are.

Now I've gotten the sour cream mix all done.

And what you do now, your cake has been in the oven red hot for 25 minutes, and you just reach in there.

Ooohh, boy!

I'm telling you.

And take that thing out.

- [laughter] Producer: [indistinct].

- I'm telling you.

We're talking asbestos hands here.

Alright, now watch this.

Then what you do is that's all baked and set up and everything, then you just take your sour cream mix and you pour it over the top of it like so... And you put it back in the oven for another 10 or 15 minutes, and then you bring it out and you cool it.

[laughter] And that's that.

And then, you're ready to serve it and that's it.

Laban: You mean, that's all there is to it?

- That's all there is to it.

And when you get finished with it, it comes out of the refrigerator with tin foil all over it.

Laban: Ooohh.

- And hopefully, it is a picture of loveliness though I can't really tell.

Laban: Hmm.

Oh, it is very, very attractive.

- It is indeed a picture of loveliness.

In fact, it doesn't look too much different than the other one did, to be honest with you.

Laban: Well, while you're cutting big slices for us, why don't we look at the recipes?

Larry: Oh okay.

The recipes.

Surely, surely.

Here we go.

Laban: English muffins.

A package of dry yeast, a tablespoon of water, one and a quarter cups of warm water, three and three-quarters to four cups of unbleached flour, divided, a half a teaspoon of salt, two tablespoons of margarine, melted and cooled, vegetable cooking spray and two tablespoons of cornmeal, divided.

Larry: And the Not So Cheap Cheesecake.

Although, really, the most expensive thing about it, of course, is all of that cream cheese you gotta buy.

But you start out with four ounces of graham crackers, two tablespoons of melted butter, a teaspoon of sugar, a little cinnamon.

Now that makes your base; your graham cracker crust.

The filling is a small lemon, 19 ounces of softened cream cheese, half a cup of sugar, a teaspoon vanilla extract, three eggs.

Sour cream glaze.

It goes over the top of it.

Two cups of sour cream, a teaspoon of vanilla extract, and a half a cup of sugar, and that's that.

And just bake it all up in this; just real good and eat it with your mouth.

- Ooohh.

Well, I'm... - That's what I'm going to do very shortly here.

Laban: I'm... - You're gonna what?

- I'm just about ready to take my... [overlapping talking] Larry: Oh, I thought you were gonna take your [indistinct] out on somebody.

- Oh well, I thought about it.

- I'll just fill that a little bit here.

Well, I guess I'll try this stuff to see if I can get it out.

Oh, it's real hard.

- Now look at those muffins.

- And firm.

Laban: Now, you know, they're beautiful.

- Yes, they are.

[whistles] Laban: Well... Larry: So is this lovely cheesecake.

Laban: Which I have somehow burned.

Larry: It ended up on my hand.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Laban: I don't know.

I believe I would have served it.

- I believe the plate's on the other side of the room, and I'm over here.

Producer: Eat it!

Eat it!

[indistinct].

- Thank you, Doris.

I'm supposed to serve it that way or the other side up?

Laban: I believe the other side up.

I believe... - No, that won't work.

Laban: Oh, it's stuck.

It's become gelatinous and glued.

- It is not gelatinous and glued; it's beautiful and lovely.

Oh, I did the same thing.

[laughter] Laban: I swear.

- Well, look, see?

It stays right on up and keeps on ticking.

There we go.

It's wonderful.

Laban: Nothing can hurt this cheesecake.

- Well, I'm going to bring the whole thing over because I want people to admire it while I'm eating it.

Do the best I can.

Well, my favorite meal!

English muffins and cheesecake, mm-mmm.

Telling you.

Here, have a great big piece.

I guess I could have just left it on there; one less plate.

- And here, have a toasted muffin.

Larry: Boy!

Now they really do smell like muffins are supposed to smell.

In fact, they've got the right texture and everything, Johnson.

I believe you've hit on something here.

Producer: Little over a minute.

- And they're very light.

- They're just as good as store-bought.

Larry: They really are.

They're as good as store-bought, maybe better.

- Who would've thought it?

- I believe you ought to go in an English muffin business.

- Mhmm.

- The muffin king!

[laughter] - Uh, sure.

- Well, are you ever going to try my cheesecake, Johnson?

Laban: I'm enjoying this muffin so much, I don't know.

- Well, I'm going to try the cheesecake.

I've done a lot of work on it, and I expect to eat some of it.

First, I gotta get rid of this muffin.

I wish we had some milk.

Laban: Mhmm.

Or tea.

- Or tea.

That's right.

We were supposed to... Producer: Thirty seconds.

- Mmm.

Male voice: How much time is left?

Producer: Thirty seconds.

- You gotta realize that I'm not real partial to cheesecake because you and I probably have eaten and judged more cheesecakes than any two people on the face of the earth.

- Mhmm.

Larry: So, to this day, I'm not real hot on it, but this is very good; very good.

- Yeah.

It's very rich.

Larry: Mhmm.

- Very heavy.

- Mhmm.

Sure is.

- Whoo, that could put you away.

Put you down under the ground.

- Sure could.

Producer: Five!

- We gotta go.

Goodbye.

- Oh, we forgot the wish!

Bye.

[background music] [music fades out]