[♪♪♪] -Just be still.

I'm-- we're gonna try to put this on and try to give you that new stylish haircut.

[laughs] -[laughs] Oh, I thought you were going to do a brain scan on me.

-No, no, no, there's no use doing a brain scan on you.

[laughs] -I got-- those scans would be wasted.

[laughs] Well, I got news for you.

That bowl isn't gonna help this hair either, but it never hurts to try.

-No.

-You know, Mr. Steve, the hair burner, he uses a much smaller bowl.

[laughs] -Yeah.

[laughs] -You know, of course, we're in for a major lawsuit with him.

-Yes.

-But that's okay.

-But that's alright.

-That's alright.

-Yeah.

-We don't care.

Money is no object on-- -[Laban laughs] -I'm Larry Bly.

-I'm Laban Johnson.

-And we're Cookin' Cheap .

-Yeah, we are.

And we've got a goofy show today.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah, we do.

-That's impossible.

-Bring the witch in and we'll find out why.

-Another goofy show.

-Oh, yeah.

-Who could imagine?

-I don't know.

But it's-- ah!

Here she comes.

Oh!

Sorry, I'll send her around this way.

Boink.

[laughs] Oh no, don't do that to the witch.

-It's hard to find good witch throwers anymore.

What?

-Here, you can read it.

-Oh, thank you.

I love it when I get to read.

[reading] "Dear boys, have you got any new meatball recipes?

My whole family looks forward to your annual meatball shows," and they're just talking about just our appearances.

[reading] "We're crazy about 'em "and we never get tired of 'em.

"Thanks as always, the Baring Family.

Round Ball Lane, East Orb, New Jersey."

-You know-- -Yes.

-Folks, I gotta tell you.

Larry and I laugh all the time.

We do a meatball show practically every time we do a new season of shows.

-In fact, I think we have more meatball recipes than we have casserole recipes.

-It is unbelievable.

And the funny thing about it is-- and this is the truth, I put my hand on my heart-- I honestly do not know anybody that fixes meatballs for dinner.

-No.

-At Christmas, I run into a few of 'em on, you know, buffet tables and things.

But honestly, I guess we're just culturally deprived here in the mountains of VA. -Well, now, you know, of course you've been with me to numerous parties, a few down through the years.

And you know how many meatballs I eat at parties?

-LABAN: Yes.

-None.

-LABAN: And it's just-- -Not one of my favorite things in the world.

But these are pretty good.

The ones I'm gonna make are a meatball appetizer.

I thought all meatballs were appetizers.

-No.

They're main-- this is a main course I'm doing today.

-This was sent in by Lou Burns of Lynchburg.

Thank you.

-And this recipe I'm doing is called Turkish Meatballs, and you'll find out why it's called that in a little while, and it's sent in... -I wonder how many turkishes gave up their life.

-...by Karen Petroni of Philadelphia.

So this is-- -[crew member] [sneezes] -Well, God bless you.

Oh-- -Oh, it's terribly drafty here in the old Cookin' Cheap studio.

-Yes.

[laughs] -And one of our staff members has come down with a cold.

Oh, and the very lovely will be here in a few minutes, Doris.

-Yes, Doris will be-- -Barbecued Meatball.

Now that sounds-- anything barbecued's good enough for me.

Anything is, I'm telling you.

And that was sent in by Rachel Deddens, I guess it is of Lynchburg.

So anyway, you want to start or you want me to start?

Do you want to start or you want me to start?

-Oh, I'll start.

But you know, and we also have to say that Miss Carol is not here today.

She's been laid out sick.

-She's got the snorts.

-Oh, real bad.

Real bad.

-Even worse than that.

-We're taping this show during the cold and flu season and it's lazily snowing outside.

It's real pretty.

Real pretty.

-Hit it.

-Alright, this, these meatballs are made out of turkey, ground turkey.

-LARRY: Oh no.

-And here it is.

And it really is an easy meatball recipe.

I mean, there's not a lot of bad stuff to do.

But the ground turkey, of course, for those of you that are looking for heart-healthy recipes-- -LARRY: Look, it's moving.

-This is one.

Now, Larry, let me see.

I want-- where, I needed to get some-- -I believe that turkey is still alive.

What is this?

-Well-- -Well, now that's a strange thing to start with.

-Well, I thought maybe, you know, I'd just bring 'em in so that-- -You remember that old cow joke, you used to shake hands, one finger at a time?

That's a-- that's a dairy farmer joke.

One finger at a time.

-Well, I have found that, you know, when you're using ground poultry or anything at home-- and I'm gonna roll these without these on in a few minutes.

So, you have to be careful.

You have to wash your hands.

But if you're doing meatloaf or something, these are great because you can do it all together, and then if the phone rings, you can just rip 'em right off.

-I noticed that Mike Carol was using one of those a while ago when he put his microphone on you.

-Alright, here's a pound of ground turkey.

And into it, we're going to add one egg... and just put the egg down in there.

And that took care of that.

And a third of a cup of breadcrumbs.

Use the unseasoned ones, please.

And... there you go, a third of a cup of breadcrumbs.

And four cloves of garlic that have been minced and they're right here on my board.

While I was waiting for Larry, I minced the garlic.

- What time do you like, come in, two hours ahead of time now, or what?

-Well, you know.

-LARRY: It makes me nervous.

-I've got plenty of time.

And some cumin, and this is ground cumin.

And let me just take the top of it.

We need a half of a teaspoon of cumin.

There we go.

Cumin, I have to be honest, is not one of my favorite herbs, but there it is.

Or spice-- and some salt, and I'm just using a little bit.

What are you doing back there?

-[laughs] Oh look, you look like a turkey.

See, I'm trying to-- well, look in the monitor.

-Oh, I do.

-See, you look like a turkey.

-Either that-- -Or an Indian.

-Yeah.

Or no, an Indian.

I look like Chief Powatan.

Alright.

And let me put some-- -Fun with gloves, ladies and gentlemen.

-Let me put some pepper in here.

And all you do now is to squeeze this stuff around to get it mixed up.

So, I'm going to put on my surgical gloves here.

-[laughs] Oh, for heaven's sake.

-And get into the mixing of it.

And Larry, you might wanna-- well, let me mix for a while.

-I wanna watch just a moment of this.

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

-Now, my friend-- -Dr. Johnson, ladies and gentlemen.

-My friend, Lena May Preston, the late, sweet, wonderful Lena May, taught me how to do this kind of stuff.

And when you're making meatloaf, this is a very-- just do it with the tips of your fingers.

LARRY: That's right.

-Don't squeeze it through your hand.

If you do it like this, the meatballs or the meatloaf will be real tender.

And-- but if you handle it too much, you can really mess it up.

So, I'm just gonna-- -If you handle it too much, what you do is you don't aerate it and it gets as hard as a golf ball.

-Right.

Mm-hmm.

-LARRY: That's true.

Well, I'm ready to start here.

-So, that's it.

You go right ahead.

-LARRY: Meatball appetizers.

And I'll tell you, I've tried it and it's good.

Now, as one who is not a-- I do not favor meatballs in the slightest, but this is not a bad recipe.

And strangely enough, you start out with your-- you start out with your sauce first.

So, what you do, you know, those jellied cranberry things that comes out, sort of looks like it came from outer space, some sort of gelatinous mess?

See, when I grew up, ladies and gentlemen, I thought that that's what cranberry looked like when it came out of the field.

Because I had never seen cranberry that wasn't formed perfectly like a can.

But this does call specifically for jellied cranberry sauce, and that's the way you buy it, just like that.

Now, by the same token, I had lots of friends who lived in the city who thought that eggs came out of goodness only knows where, and had no idea where milk came from, so I don't feel too ignorant about the whole thing.

-Well, you know, I lived in the city and that's what we had for cranberries every year at Thanksgiving.

-Really?

These things?

-Yeah.

The jelly rather than the whole berries.

And it was only later on in my life that I learned that cranberries could be wonderful just plain.

-Oh, I love to just get a bag of 'em and just boil 'em up with a little sugar.

It calls for a can of jellied cranberry sauce, and a half a can is about one cup, if you break it out.

To that, you then add one cup of chili sauce.

Something else that I never keep around the house and I had just thrown some away from a Cookin' Cheap meatball show a few years ago.

And I got tired of falling across this, and I said, "I'll never use this stuff, I'll never use it," and I threw it away.

And yesterday I looked for it, looked for it, looked for it, and looked for it and looked for it.

It was awful.

So, anyway, that goes in there.

I think I have just enough that I won't have to look for it again as long as I live.

I hope that all of it gets used so I don't have to mess with it again.

And you start heating this up on real slow.

You don't wanna burn it now, so you start it real slow.

Although I never have to worry about that on that eye.

I turn it all the way up to blazing hot and it won't do much.

To that, you add a quarter cup of brown sugar-- it's sort of a sweet and sour thing-- and also some lemon juice.

And I have a fresh old lemon right here.

And do we have a juicer?

Because this lemon, this is one of those little tiny lemons, has thousands-- -LABAN: Of seeds.

-A thousand.

LABAN: That's why they're cheap right now.

-Yeah, they are.

These are pretty cheap.

They just broke out with seeds.

Just horrible.

So anyway, it's about one whole lemon you put in there.

A small lemon, not one of those big ones.

You put that in there.

See, that's just got tons of seeds in there.

That wasn't so terrible there, strangely enough.

It's this side that has all the seeds in it.

So anyway, that goes in there.

And I think that's about it: the cranberry sauce, chili sauce, brown sugar, and the lemon juice.

And in a couple of minutes-- I still got seeds in it.

And in a couple of minutes, we will make up the actual beef part of this.

And anyway, just start cooking this right now, very slowly up on the thing.

Mr. Johnson is rolling out the meatballs and having a barrel of fun.

-Now with the meatballs, if you dip your hands in water first, they won't stick to your hands.

And this recipe that Karen sent in is kind of weird because they're not balls.

They're-- well, they're balls, but they're little football things.

LARRY: I beg your pardon?

-She recommended that you make the size of the meatballs like little footballs.

So, that's-- -LARRY: Oh, for heaven's sake.

-That's what I'm doing.

-LARRY: Pigskin parade.

-Uh-huh.

And so, this would be a wonderful recipe for football season if you have the gang over to watch a game or something.

-LARRY: Mm-hm.

I have to wash my hands.

-I hope they have a lot of soap over there today.

LARRY: Do they?

Do they actually have some?

Oh, yes, lots of soap.

Yeah, too much soap.

Okay.

Well, it's TV.

You know, you're supposed to fake it.

[laughs] Well, that's alright.

I was just getting the juice offen my hands.

Now, do you want me to do the rest of this?

LABAN: Yeah, go right ahead.

-Okay, well, that's the part of it that everything floats around in.

And then you take about a pound of lean ground hamburger, which is what I have here.

And to this-- whoops, excuse me, I didn't mean to do that-- we're going to add an egg.

There's an egg.

One egg, some chopped onion, a teaspoon of oregano.

Am I right on that?

I think I remember this-- yeah, a teaspoon of oregano.

A little oregano.

Don't be too heavy-handed with it because it'll-- just get a little-- half a cup of breadcrumbs goes in there.

LABAN: Doris went down the hall to the supply closet and got us soap.

-LARRY: What did she do?

She goes-- well, isn't that just wonderful?

You know, she's just a living martyr.

That goes in there.

LABAN: Hardest working woman in show business.

LARRY: She is the hardest working woman in this, uh, building.

Now let's see what else.

Egg, salt and pepper to taste, we have that.

And now I gotta chop up some onion.

So, I will just chop some old onion up here in a couple minutes, put a little that in.

And chop the onion very fine, because you don't want big old onion pieces flying out at peoples when they're trying to eat at the party.

Or whatever it is they're trying to do.

-LABAN: Maybe start a fight.

-Yeah, that's true.

Now you see, this stuff is starting-- well, I can't believe it.

It's actually heating.

When you don't want it to go like crazy, it's burning everything.

Not really, but I mean, that's too fast.

You want it real slow, and you just start heating that, and in the last couple of minutes, we'll be making these meatballs.

I'm going to turn that down a little bit.

So anyway, chop up about a half of an onion and make sure that you chop it very, very fine.

That is not-- well, for heaven's sake.

I have stuff flying all over the place here.

Just about a half of one will do.

You don't need an awful lot.

And chop it real, real, real, real fine, because big pieces are not allowed.

-Well, I'm glad to see that you've mastered the technique of onion mincing.

-Oh yes.

Well, you know I love to mince onions, but I won't mince words.

[laughs] You know me, I never do.

So anyway, we'll chop those up real good, a couple of big pieces there.

And you add that to the mix.

And now, we're going to do the same thing that Mr. Johnson just did, except I'm going to do mine all natural.

-LABAN: Oh!

-[laughs] You know how I just love-- -LABAN: [indistinct] Doris, I'm going to need a large measuring cup.

Because I've got to measure-- -And he's right.

You just take your little fingers like so.

You don't wanna squish it.

You just wanna use your fingertips for the most part and get in there.

And you've got to mix all of that stuff real well, because you got to make sure that your oregano gets fairly well distributed through the beef.

Otherwise, you'll have two meatballs with all the oregano in it, which will most assuredly be an unpleasant experience for everyone involved.

And you also-- you need to make sure that you to get the breadcrumbs and the onions fairly well distributed too.

But if you're not careful, your problems will increase exponentially as you go... -LABAN: Oh, what a lovely word.

-...through.

[laughs] That's the word for the day.

Okay.

So, there we go.

That's pretty good.

And now, what you do is you just start rolling these out.

Oh, I didn't put any salt and pepper in it.

Excuse me.

Where's the salt and pepper?

We have some, don't we?

-Yeah.

Right over-- --well, there it is.

-Oh, there it is.

Okay.

Well, I gotta wash my hands first.

-And I've got a can-- alright.

Well, while you're doing that, let me start into my sauce.

You need two tablespoons of tomato paste.

And there it is.

That's just two.

That's enough.

Alright.

And also, three tablespoonsful-- can I borrow-- you have your tablespoon there, Larry?

-LARRY: I have a teaspoon.

-Oh, and I brought-- -Just use three or four of 'em.

-You know, I brought the wrong-- this is supposed to be lemon juice.

Have you got any lemon left?

-LARRY: Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Well, I do.

I do indeed.

I brought an extra lemon along.

I just knew that a friend was gonna be able to use.

-You're right.

-And here's the proper thing.

-Have you got the reamer over there?

A little juicette?

-Ah, yes.

Just so busy keeping Mr. Johnson in supplies.

-Mm-hm.

Well, I appreciate it, 'cause I squoze out the lemons already.

Oh, it's-- -Do you want me to do that?

-No, I can get it.

-Well, I'm standing by, willing to help you.

-I know.

-Anytime you need-- Harold, he's standing by.

He's got a wheelbarrow.

I don't know what that has to do with anything.

This is television, darling.

Yes, I put the salt and pepper in while you weren't looking.

Bless her heart.

Aren't we terrible?

-Alright, well-- -My camera person number one, [kisses] I love you.

She realized I hadn't really done it.

But you know what?

I just didn't want to do it.

But I should have put salt and pepper in.

Thank you.

-This is supposed to be three tablespoons of lemon juice.

Oh well.

-LARRY: We're just a bunch of old TV crabs.

-Yes, we are.

-LARRY: We never do what we say we're gonna do.

-And now I have to add to this a cup and a half of water.

So, let me see if I can bring that up.

LARRY: Let me know when I can give my recipe.

-LABAN: Okay, go ahead.

-Okay, the Meatball Appetizer.

Cup of jellied cranberry sauce, cup chili sauce, quarter cup of brown sugar, 2 teaspoons of lemon juice.

That's the-- that's the stuff it goes in.

And then the meatballs, a pound of lean ground beef, a teaspoon of oregano, half a cup of-- a half a chopped onion, excuse me, a half a cup of crumbs, breadcrumbs preferably, I think would be better, but I guess you could use cracker crumbs.

I'm using breadcrumbs.

Salt and pepper to taste.

Don't forget the salt and pepper to taste.

And cook it on top of the stove until it's done.

Actually, you cook it on top of the stove for-- you cover it, and you simmer it for about one hour.

Now, Mr. Johnson, where are you on this mess?

-Alright, well, I'm making the sauce, which is two tablespoons of tomato paste, three tablespoons of lemon juice, and a cup and a half of water.

And I'm gonna bring it to a boil, I hope.

And then we will put the fried-- and you can do these, I think you could bake 'em although the recipe calls for frying 'em.

Or use a nonstick pan like I did, with very little oil in it, just a drop or two.

And so, you've essentially got a very non-fat recipe here, so-- which is awfully good for you.

And as soon as this boils, I'm going to put the meatballs down in the sauce.

Whoo!

-Okay.

Now I have rolled out just a whole bunch of meatballs and put 'em in there.

And you will cover this and simmer it for about one hour until they're done.

So, that's at the coverin' and simmerin' stage, and it makes even more than that, but that's all the time I'm gonna have today to roll 'em out, because, ladies and gentlemen, by popular demand, she's back anyway.

The very lovely and semi-voluptuous Doris Ford.

What do you got, Doris?

-Okay.

I have barbecued meat-- meatballs.

And I tried, uh, baking some of mine and frying.

You could tell the difference, but then, after I put 'em in there, I couldn't.

The small ones are supposed to be the ones I fried and the larger ones I baked.

And I like to bake mine rather than fry 'em, then you don't have the extra grease and whatever for the meatballs.

And this was sent in by Rochelle Deddens from Lynchburg, Virginia.

And it has 21 ingredients in it, but don't let it scare you because it goes real quick.

It's just getting it out and doing.

But it takes one pound of hamburger, two slices of bread, a half a cup of milk, one egg beaten, one teaspoon of salt, a fourth of teaspoon black pepper, and a half a cup of chopped onion.

And then you mix the meatballs up and roll 'em in flour, and either you can fry 'em.

It doesn't say anything about oil, but I put a little bit of oil in to get it started.

[laughs] Somebody's lost up there.

And for the sauce, you use three tablespoons of butter, one medium onion, one cup of ketchup, two tablespoons lemon juice, one teaspoon dry mustard, a fourth a teaspoon black pepper, two tablespoons brown sugar, one clove minced garlic, a half a cup chopped celery, three-fourths cup of water, two tablespoons of vinegar, one teaspoon of salt, and a dash or more of Tabasco.

LARRY: She really gets turned on when I go to sleep on her.

DORIS: [laughs] So, I started mine early and made-- -LABAN: Three days ago.

[laughs] -DORIS: No, it said to cook-- make your sauce and let it cook a little while and it didn't say how long.

So, I put it on, took my shower, and then it was done, I guess.

And then you put the meatballs in and cook 'em for another 40 minutes.

-They smell terrific.

-I'll have to heat 'em up-- the meatballs tasted good and the sauce sounds like, you know, I thought it'd be pretty good.

LARRY: They smell great.

-It doesn't say what to put it over, so I made some noodles to bring in to put over it.

I don't know how it was supposed to be meant, as a dinner or as like you said, as a cocktail thing.

-Okay.

Thank you.

Dr. J, you wanna give your recipe?

-Yes.

For this wonderful Turkish Meatball recipe sent in by Karen Petroni of Philadelphia, we've got a pound of ground turkey, one egg, a third of a cup of breadcrumbs, four cloves of garlic minced, a half a teaspoon of cumin, salt and pepper to taste, and the sauce is two tablespoons of tomato paste, three tablespoons of lemon juice, cup and a half of water, and again, salt and pepper to taste.

-Okay.

My meatballs are all steamy and wonderful and done and I'm putting 'em in a nice little bowl for serving, and they're just beautiful.

And I will tell you this, even though I'm not real wild about the things, that really is a very pretty recipe, and it is a delicious recipe.

I promise you it is.

I'd have you over, but I'd have to tell you how to find the studio.

So, how are you coming with this?

-Well, this is coming.

They really need to cook in the sauce for five to ten minutes.

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Johnson.

-Well, that's alright.

They're cooked all the way through.

That'll just heat 'em up.

And I'm gonna serve these over rice.

-Well, we've got three minutes to do it.

-Alright.

Well, let me just-- these are the little-- this is what it looks like over here, the raw meatballs before you cook 'em.

And these are the-- -They are football shaped.

-Yeah, little football shaped things.

And I really don't know why that is, but it is.

Now, let's see.

Doris, you're gonna have to help me, because I'm gonna have to leave this here and take the rice with me.

Maybe we ought to bring the plates over here and serve 'em here, since I have to put rice on.

You can walk behind us, Doris.

-It is permitted in television.

-Yes.

-Although usually, it's illegal in TV to do such a thing.

-Going to put in some rice and a couple of meatballs for Mr. Bly, and a little of the sauce.

-I'll go bring mine over, and we better do it quickly.

-Mm-hm.

-Doo doo-doo doo doooo.

-LABAN: I'm coming, I'm coming.

-I'm over here and I'm gonna try some of this stuff out.

Mr. Johnson's rice and meatball.

Mm.

Not bad, Dr. J, not bad at all.

-Let me serve you some noodles.

-Let me try.

Oh, that's the greatest of plenty.

Oh, that'll be fine.

Just two noodles.

[laughs] That's enough.

Thank you very much.

Let me try this barbecue stuff.

Mm-mm-mm.

Doris, I think we've hit the jackpot with that one.

That's-- of course, you know I just love barbecue anything.

And now mine.

Definite taste of oregano, but very, very good.

Well, I think this is superb.

-LABAN: Well, I'm so glad.

-LARRY: And you know, I don't-- -Oh, now I'm confused.

I don't know whose-- -Well, you know, I'm not used to having rice and noodles all at the same time, and it's throwing me off terribly.

-Completely.

Well-- -All of these are very respectable.

Mm-mm-mm.

I'm telling you, I like 'em.

-Well, good.

But I'm not serving 'em for dinner.

-[laughs] Well, then don't.

Bet you'll like 'em too.

We gotta go.

Bye.

-Mm-mm.

[music fades out]