[♪♪♪] [both laugh] - Oh, it's so nice to know that people care about us at this place.

[Laban laughs] - Ah.

- So good to see all of you.

Larry's bent out of shape and I'm tickled.

[both laugh] And here he is, folks, Ole Yaller.

- We'll explain that in a couple-- well, yeah, I guess I am kind of appropriate today, aren't I.

- Either that, or you're a banana in disguise.

- "Dear Laban and Larry, several months ago, "my husband heard me laughing, at your show.

"Come in to watch, and now we both are hooked.

"We love your show.

"Please sent us your recipes "for show number blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, "self-stamped envelope.

"Thanks so much, Mary and Bill Barber of Covington, Virginia."

Thank you very much.

We're glad--and we glad you enjoy laughing with us, and not at us.

- And I love letters like this.

LARRY: Love letters?

- "Dear Cookin' Cheap ..." Yeah, love letters in the sand.

LARRY: Oh.

- "I am a faithful viewer "and would like to have the following show recipe, "so and so and so.

"Mom says I may only be 9, but I can cook.

Thanks for the show and the recipes."

And that's from Emily Warman in Blacksburg, Virginia.

Well, Emily, thanks, and we think all kids ought to be able to cook, especially you little bitty ones that can't hold on to the raw eggs.

LARRY: Hmm-mm.

- Just have a good time in the kitchen.

Go on in there right now and tell mom you want to cook what you saw on Cookin' Cheap .

- Well, here's a lady that had just a couple of little suggestions to help me along.

"Dear Larry, last Saturday you cooked Swedish meatballs.

"You said the sauce tasted like grapes.

"Use apple jelly instead of grape jelly "and it will taste like-- "it won't taste like grapes or apples because apples don't have that much taste."

Neither does Laban.

- [Laban laughs] - "And I use two cans of "Chef Boyardee Pizza Sauce with Cheese, "if you can find it, instead of the ketchup.

"It is hard to find.

"But also use cracker crumbs instead of the breadcrumbs.

"Quarter cup, you can roll them out with a rolling pin.

"Also, you take up too much time chopping vegetables.

"Do that ahead of time, and you will have time to cook.

"You can cook it on top of the stove too.

"Keep up your silly ways.

Edith Johnson of Collinsville, Virginia."

Or Collinsville.

No, she just says Collinsville.

Wrote all of that on a little bitty card.

This woman used to work for the CIA, she'd write a lot of stuff on pins and needles.

Thank you for all the suggestions.

- Does the name Reva Ashford ring a bell with you?

LARRY: No, no.

I think she's-- - Well, you think you had trouble with the grape jelly.

Reva wrote in.

She said, "Enjoyed seeing my recipe, Chuck Bake, on TV."

- Oh, I didn't do that one.

Thank heavens.

- "Boy, did you add the onions."

She said, "I don't really like 'em but my family does.

"For that amount of onions, you should have used "about twice the amount of ketchup Worcestershire sauce.

Otherwise, all you taste is onions and lemons."

And Reva, you're right.

LARRY: Yeah, that's what it tasted like.

- "Also, you might want to know "that a lot of times, I used one to two tablespoons "of lemon juice in place of the lemons, just for convenience."

LARRY: Huh-hmm.

- "And thought you might add that to the recipe "if anyone writes in.

"Sorry Larry didn't seem to like it real well, but I still like you too."

- Now, wait a minute.

Who said I didn't like it real well?

- "As far as I'm concerned, "you all are the most entertaining and amusing, "I almost said 'loony' cooking show on TV anywhere.

"Hope you stay around forever or 25 years, whichever comes first."

Well, Reva, thank you, we hope we do too, whichever comes first.

I think I'll hold out for 25.

- What's that on your plate?

- Oh!

- Is that somethin' you're serving this year?

- Oh!

How on earth are we going to do--?

What is-a battery in my plate?

- [Larry laughs] LABAN: Maureen?

I swear, our sound lady put a new battery in my heart a while ago, and left the battery right in my plate.

Now I've got to eat off of this plate later on.

I swear.

- Eat off the battery instead.

I'm leaving.

Good-bye.

Nope.

No, I'm not.

- Let's go here, to the kitchen.

- I'm stuck in the chair.

- Oh, good.

I've wanted to have you stuck in that chair for the longest kinda time.

- Ohh!

I'm gonna do Corn Cakes.

Sent in by Patti James of Coeburn, Virginia.

Corn Cakes.

LABAN: Corn Cakes.

- And this is a little different kind of corn cakes, it uses Ritz Crackers.

And I made a very interesting discovery about-about these crack-cares.

LABAN: Hmm-mm.

- You know, you can get three-roll ones, and then you can get four-roll ones like this.

And the four-roll ones only cost a few cents more than the $1.99 that I paid for this, the four-roll ones.

LABAN: Well-- - I mean, now wait a minute, that isn't what I meant to say.

The four-roll ones only cost a few cents more than the three-roll ones do.

So, hey, there was a bargain.

- Mr. Shopper lives!

- I know.

It's true.

I watch what I'm doin'.

So... LABAN: And what else are you doing?

- Well, I'm gonna do two recipes, so I guess I'd better get started on the first one.

LABAN: Yeah.

Alright.

- First thing I gotta do is, take a roll of Ritz crackers from a three-roll box.

Well, I looked at the boxes, and they're all the same height, so therefore it doesn't matter.

You can take a roll from a four-roll box too, if you want to.

And I'm gonna crush 'em all up right now with a rollin' pin.

After I get finished beatin' Johnson over the head with it.

[sniggers] I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

LABAN: I swear he has been so rough.

- I have been a little saucy today, and I just don't know why.

My car blew up on my way to work this morning, that's why.

And after a while, I'm going to give out the name of the people that I bought it from.

LABAN: Do you want to tell us what kind of car it is, and where you bought it?

LARRY: No, I don't.

LABAN: Uh-huh, I guess not.

LARRY: No, I certainly don't.

No, I don't even wanna go another step further with this conversation.

- [Laban laughs] LARRY: You can see the dollar bills clearly goin' out of my eyes.

LABAN: Uh-huh.

LARRY: Alright.

That's half of 'em.

Here's the rest of 'em.

Don't make this a big deal.

Just throw 'em down there and smush 'em, get it over with.

Couple of seconds.

This shouldn't doth take very long.

And while I'm doing that, is this thing heating up?

Oh, it is.

Okay, it's just right.

I'm heating up my griddle because we're gonna-- these are griddle-type cakes.

I'll just do 'em on top of our griddle here.

Put a little bit of oil on there or whatever.

Alright, now there you go.

That's an entire roll of 'em things.

Got so much junk here, can't keep up to it.

But then, I never could, and it doesn't matter.

That's an awful lot of that stuff, sort of like a corn meal, isn't it?

And, in essence, it sort of is a corn meal, I suppose.

Take that and just rake it all down in there.

There's a malodour over here somewhere, I don't know what it is.

Anyways-- LABAN: Malodour?

- Hmm-mm.

Somethin', somethin', I don't know what it is, comin' on strong over here.

LABAN: Maybe it's just the-- - Well, it is.

And a can of creamed corn.

I'm goin' to open that up.

Oh, boy, this one.

My favorite opener.

Well, it's workin' right friskly today.

This is creamed corn.

Remind me to smile once in a while today, Doris.

MAN: [shouts] Smile.

- Put that in there.

Mm-hmm, that looks good.

And then two eggs beaten.

LABAN: Oh.

Oh.

LARRY: Sound effects from Mr. Johnson.

Couple of minutes, by the way, we'll tell you where yellow veggies come from.

We're not gonna do that just this minute.

Want to keep you waitin'.

Put that in there also.

Oh, how terrible, I got a big wad of it on my-- little salt and pepper, and oil for frying.

Okay, what we do is we'll just put a little bit of oil on here.

This should be hot now.

Oh, it is.

Well, that thing doesn't take oil.

Look at that, it just all rolls off.

What am I supposed to do with it?

LABAN: What?

LARRY: Look how the oil just kind of rolls off of it.

MAN: Let it roll off.

LARRY: Well, let it roll off of it?

LABAN: Look at it.

Look at it.

There it goes.

LARRY: Well, that's the strangest thing I've ever seen.

Looks like-- well, I just don't know what it looks like.

Well, let me mix this all up here.

We'll see if this works.

[chuckles] If I can't get any oil on it, how am I going to cook anythin'?

LABAN: Well, let me show you.

We'll just... pull it up.

- Yeah.

A'ight.

Put 'em in, add rest of ingredients, stir well, you should have pancake-like batter.

Yeah, pancake-like batter alright.

All right.

Let's-let's see if this stuff works.

And not much to do-- What?

MAN: Salt and pepper.

- Salt and pepper.

Oh yeah, little salt and pepper.

Yeah, little salt and pepper.

Put a little salt and pepper in there too while you're at it.

LABAN: Oh, the oil is going to burn up on the griddle.

- Oh, it-it'll be all right.

Little-little that-- You don't wanna put too much salt in this.

I'll tell you why.

'Cause this corn's got a ton of salt in it.

I know.

I had it happen to me one day.

And now what we'll do is spoon some of this out there.

Whew, listen to her sizzle.

I'm gonna do me a couple.

Anyone worth the salt in the kitchen can have at least three griddle cakes goin' simultaneously.

And what we're going to do now is just gonna let 'em things fry for a couple of seconds.

Maybe I just better leave 'em alone.

LABAN: Oh, I don't think I'd do-- LARRY: I think I better keep my hands off of 'em.

Now here, let me show you somethin' when you're doing griddle cakes.

The reason the oil is so important, you see what's happening here?

This is bubblin' around it.

These up here are just sittin' here, they're not doin' anything, to speak of, and that's not good.

I know, I've made my share of griddle cakes down through the years.

If it doesn't have lots of grease bubblin' around it, there's somethin' wrong with it.

Well, the heck with it, I don't care.

I mean, I care.

But I don't-- LABAN: No, you don't.

LARRY: I don't care enough to do much about it.

[chuckles] Well, let's see if this one's doin' anything.

Ah!

Ah!

There you go.

LABAN: Oh!

LARRY: Perfect!

And it looks just like a griddle cake should oughta look.

And so does this one.

And that one.

See?

See what happens when it doesn't have any oil?

LABAN: Uh-huh.

LARRY: It-it doesn't get brown, it gets black.

That's not good.

LABAN: Well, I'll swear.

LARRY: No offense.

That's--really.

So there it is, and that's it.

I mean, that's all there is to it.

There's nothin' else to it, that's all.

- Let me whip up my beans, and then you can do your other recipe.

LARRY: Oh, do I have to?

- Yeah.

And maybe you can make some more griddle cakes 'cause these people are always so hungry.

LARRY: Uh-huh.

- Now this called Quicky Bean Bake.

I wouldn't serve it at my own house, I don't think, because it doesn't appeal to me but other people would.

LARRY: [laughs] Oh, that's nice.

- Well, I just thought I'd let 'em know.

LARRY: Uh-huh.

- But-- MAN: Who sent it in though?

- It wasn't.

LARRY: Oh, thank heavens we're not going to humiliate one of our viewers on the air.

- Alright.

Now, that's about a half a cup of molasses.

LARRY: Which he enjoys doing so thoroughly.

- Hmm-mm.

Molasses.

Three tablespoons of vinegar.

One, two, three.

LARRY: Strangest lookin' things I've ever seen.

- Three tablespoons of vinegar.

Three tablespoons of prepared mustard.

This is just old salad mustard.

LARRY: Salamander?

- One... two... LARRY: I just lost a piece of my recipe down inside the stove.

LABAN: Did you really?

- I did.

It went down inside the stove and will never be seen again.

Till next year.

Probably.

- So that takes care of the mustard.

LARRY: Probably what I'm smellin' today is somethin' fell in there last week.

- And a half a teaspoon of Tabasco.

LARRY: I'm goin' to try some other things here with this.

I'm not real happy about this at all.

This thing is workin' weirdly, in my opinion.

- Well... Now that's down in here in my bowl.

Stir this up.

I was going to beat it up but it's liable to make too big a mess, and somebody might have to clean it up.

And you know me.

I don't-I like to cooperate with the staff and the crew and... - [crew laugh loudly] LABAN: ...put as-put as little work on 'em as possible.

LARRY: Whoa!

Lie of the week, boys and girls.

This has become a fiction program.

LABAN: Now, that's your seasonin'.

And to that, we're going to add three cans-- pound size cans of baked beans, which doesn't take a college degree to open up.

LARRY: Well, while we're opening those-- - Yeah.

LARRY: --do you want to show where yellow vegetables come from?

LABAN: Oh, yeah.

Why don't we do that while I'm adding these?

- I've always wanted to know personally myself where yellow vegetables come from.

- Well, I would like to know-- - I understand we have some original footage to show you right here-- - Oh, good.

LARRY: --on where it comes from.

Now this is a continuation of last week-- LABAN: When we showed where green vegetables-- LARRY: When we showed where green vegetables come from, see.

We want to complement this.

And now, now here you all-- looks like these guys are up to no good.

[♪♪♪] What?

Isn't that neat?

Look at that.

Oh, neat facial expressions.

You can tell he's an actor.

And, oh, look at that.

Isn't that clever?

Laban, are you watching any of this?

LABAN: Oh, it's real cute.

I'm tickling that pepper that is now gonna be a high priced yellow one instead of green.

LARRY: My ears hurt from standin' over here.

And there it is.

That's how they come about.

Isn't that somethin'?

Now I didn't know it until I saw it on television.

If you see it on television, it's got to be true.

- Absolutely.

Now, I've added three one-pound cans of plain old baked beans, and now I've got a can of kidney beans that I've got to drain over here into our sink before I add them-- to-- - Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

- Well, I'm just trying to show what I'm doing.

LARRY: Uh-huh, well, you are.

You show what you've been doing over the last year-- [crew laugh] Eatin'.

LABAN: I swear.

LARRY: Oh, me.

LABAN: So awful.

LARRY: Uh-huh.

I don't know.

- All right.

LARRY: Yes, I am.

- Now, those kidney beans are drained out.

And they go in.

LARRY: No kidney.

LABAN: No.

Now, I've got other things to add, but Lar, you go ahead.

LARRY: Well, I want to show everyone this lovely platter of gorgeous corn cakes.

Now this is corn cakes, in the true sense of the word.

I've had corn cakes, but I've never had cakes with corn in them.

LABAN: Corn cakes.

Corn cakes.

LARRY: Corn cakes.

Corn cakes.

Good for you, eat 'em.

And they are good.

I just tried one.

LABAN: Do you have 'em in the morning with milk over 'em?

And a little sugar?

- Anything you want to.

You can have them with metal in the morning, if you want to.

LABAN: Oh!

- If you're so inclined.

I'm goin' take it and put it over here gently on the table, and then, I'll be back to do my next recipe.

Excuse me.

I just tripped on my cord.

I hate that.

When I-- Do you ever trip on your cord in your kitchen at home?

[coughing] Excuse me.

That oil is too hot.

And look at that, there's where that pancake went to, down in there.

LABAN: Uh-huh.

- Well, now the next thing I'm gonna do is Tennessee Corn Cakes.

I guess these get up and walk around.

LABAN: Right.

- Like a horse.

LABAN: Uh-huh.

- These things call for-- - Excuse me.

- Another bowl.

Sounds like some kind of a game show-- - A TV show.

Another bowl.

- Another bowl.

The story of-- anyway.

Two cups of self-rising meal.

We can get rid of that.

That was a last recipe.

Two cups of self-rising meal.

LABAN: Oh, Hamerstrom is-- - I'm sorry, I'm rushing.

LABAN: --banging those.

- --as fast as I can and he's crackin' his gum.

And I'm nervous, and I got a presentation to do here in a couple of minutes, and okay.

There's one and here comes two.

Boink.

All right.

LABAN: What's the name of that bank you're trying to-- - And then we got one and a third cups of generic milk.

No label on it.

One-- and a third cups.

I'm going to hold back that third cup, and I'll tell you why in just a couple minutes.

Somethin' just fell on me.

Excuse me.

Somethin' just fell off the thing here.

Then we got one to two tablespoons of sugar.

[gasps] - It's in the green container.

- One to two tablespoons.

One-- LABAN: Oh, that was the salt!

- Two.

Har, har.

It wasn't, really.

And, a little bit of cookin' oil.

Now, what we've done is a quarter of an inch of cookin' oil here on the stove.

We're heating it up real good right now in a regular pan.

You can't do this one on the griddle.

A little oil for frying, a quarter of an inch of oil in there.

And I need a quarter of a cup of chopped onions.

And while I chop the onion, we'll go back to Mr. Johnson.

Mr. Johnson, we're back with you.

- Oh, good, because I'm chopping an onion.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.

How is it that we could end up both choppin' an onion at the same time?

LABAN: Well, I mean, that's the way life is, you know.

You win some, you lose some.

LARRY: Simultaneous onion chopping.

LABAN: But, anyway.

You-you're gonna use a half of a medium sized onion, chopped.

Oh, I swear.

LARRY: [chuckles] We have that new dance troupe in here today.

LABAN: Uh-huh.

LARRY: From Russia.

LABAN: The blind tap dancers.

LARRY: [laughs] Oh, how awful.

So anyway.

LABAN: Now, anyway, half of this onion has got to be chopped and goes right into our dish as soon as I get it done.

All green, green.

All right.

Now, that one needs to be chopped a little better.

All right, now here-- LARRY: I, too, am chopping.

- All right.

All right.

Now, there goes my half of chopped onion into this, and now, here is a half a pound of weenies that have been chopped.

LARRY: Beg your pardon?

- Half a pound of weenies.

LARRY: Huh.

Well, it sure is.

LABAN: Mm-hmm, and we got those-- LARRY: Looks like about a half a pound of 'em.

LABAN: And here is a cup of chopped ham.

This was ham, nice, lean ham.

And I got it, put it in the food processor at home and chopped it up real fine.

LARRY: Yeah.

LABAN: And all of this goes in here, and we're gonna stir it up real good.

And this is all that you have to do to this dish because then you put it in a three-quart casserole and bake it for about an hour at 375 degrees.

So, this is our main course, and I've got one in the oven that should have cooked-- LARRY: Got one in the oven?

- Uh-huh, but I'm afraid it hasn't.

Now, when the other one comes out, I've got to chop up now real finely this other half of onion because it gets decorated with the raw onion around the edge when you take it out of your oven, so I'll do that.

Larry, it's all yours.

- Well, this takes a little bit of time.

Now, that's just a little bit too thick, the consistency of that.

Look at that.

Look at that.

I don't need six minutes.

See, isn't that nice?

Now, it does need the additional one-third milk.

I usually hold back just a little bit on pancake mix because sometimes you can do what's called drown the miller.

That's what they used to call it up where I come from.

That means you put too much in there and get it too runny.

That's not good.

This is more of a consistency of a nice pancake batter.

Now, I have added a quarter of a cup of-of finely chopped onions in there.

Now, we got this stuff, and it's red hot.

Now what we're gonna do is just ladle a little bit in there, like so, and you're just gonna have to watch it 'cause this is red hot.

I mean, Johnson, if you were to put your lips in that, it would just be a mess.

Now, there we go.

LABAN: Well, it's not likely to-- LARRY: And there it is, and it is ultra, ultra-hot so we're going to have to watch it very, very carefully lest it burns up right before your very eyes.

You want to look at these recipes?

LABAN: Oh, we could, I guess.

LARRY: Let's look at the recipes.

My corn cakes.

A roll of Ritz Crackers, these are the ones I made a while ago from a three-roll box, can of creamed corn, two eggs beaten, salt and pepper, oil for frying.

Tennessee Corn Cakes.

Two cups self-rising cornmeal.

Those are the ones I'm doing on the stove right now.

One and one third cups of milk, a quarter of a cup of chopped onion, uh, half a teaspoon-- tablespoon of sugar.

[laughs] One tablespoon of cooking oil, and oil for frying.

And that's it.

That's all there is to it.

LABAN: And the Quicky Bean Bake.

Half a cup of molasses, three tablespoons of vinegar, three tablespoons of prepared mustard-- LARRY: Oh.

LABAN: --a half teaspoon of Tabasco, three one-pound cans of baked beans-- LARRY: Whoo.

LABAN: --three one-pound or a one-pound can, get my teeth right in a minute, of kidney beans drained, half pound of frankfurters cut in one-inch pieces, a cup of diced, cooked ham, and one medium onion, chopped and divided.

- I want you to look at this, Johnson.

Isn't this beautiful?

- Oh, they are lovely.

- They really are just pretty.

LABAN: Gorgeous.

LARRY: The only thing that worries me is they just look like they're sodden with oil.

LABAN: Well, maybe you didn't have your oil hot enough.

LARRY: No, it was.

You wouldn't want it any hotter than that.

It instantly got brown.

I mean, you get any browner than that, you're in big trouble.

I would suggest maybe I just have a little too much oil in there.

Maybe just little less, although it's supposed to take care of the top and bottom simultaneously.

LABAN: Yeah.

Right.

LARRY: And--but anyway, it's the nature of cornbread to sort of soak up anything, so I reckon that's why it's doing it.

But anyway, there you have it.

Isn't that pretty?

That's a pretty cake.

Very, very lovely, I think, and you can smell those onions.

It kind of-it smells a little bit like a potato cake.

LABAN: Uh-huh.

- With the onions in there and everythin'.

LABAN: Mr.

Potato Cake.

- Mr.

Potato Cake.

So there they are, sweet potato cakes.

There they are.

I'm gonna make up a couple more because I had such a good time doing those.

LABAN: Well, I've got to take mine out of the oven now even though it's not ready.

[oil sizzling] - No, this is plenty hot, this stuff is.

You wouldn't want it any hotter than that, you'd burn it.

'Cause it's got to get done inside a little bit.

It takes a few minutes to do that.

Oh, that does look pretty!

And look at them wieners floatin' around in there.

Good heavens.

It smells fabulous.

Look at that.

LABAN: Yeah.

LARRY: A very lovely presentation has been had by all here at the TV station.

Well, this pancake thing is pretty neat, I-I must say.

You, uh-- you people out there that sent these recipes in have done extraordinarily well.

LABAN: Now Larry, with mine, you need to put all around the outer rim of it, these chopped onions.

So, I'll just sprinkle 'em around.

LARRY: I got that one too big.

LABAN: This is an onion lover's delight.

LARRY: You don't want to get these things too big.

You get 'em too big, they get unmanageable.

And you go to flip 'em, they fly all to pieces.

LABAN: Uh-huh.

- This is the ideal size, sort of like any kind of a pancake, this one right here.

- --when you get unmanageable.

- What?

LABAN: Sort of like you do when you get unmanageable.

LARRY: See what a mess that one is?

That's the one that Laban wanted me to do.

This is the one I came up with.

Isn't it pretty?

It's perfect in every way.

It's just the right size.

It's beautiful.

It really is.

It really is.

It really is.

LABAN: Really, really is.

LARRY: Really, really is.

Are we ready to eat?

LABAN: I thought I-- Oh, oh, wait a minute.

Ms. Witch.

- Ms. Witch hasn't flown in yet.

LABAN: Oh, come on in here, honey.

- Come on in, baby.

Hit me with it, baby.

One-time sugar pie.

- Where is she?

- I'm afraid I'm going to put my eye out with this grease.

- Ooh.

- Ow, good heavens.

Ms. Witch, ladies and gentlemen, has just arrived upon these premises.

And what does she say?

- I don't know.

"Dear guys--" - Yep.

- "Could you do some more chicken recipes?

- Yeah.

- "I hope so.

"They are so good for you and healthy, "and usually easy and cheap.

"And my husband Rupert is one "because he won't touch my chicken marmalade.

Thanks."

And it's from Betty Cackle in Tupelo, Mississippi.

- Betty Cackle.

Did you ever?

- Uh-huh.

- Well, here, try one of these onion jobs.

These are beautiful, they really are.

- Well, here, let me-- - And one of these.

- Let me serve you some-- - Oh!

I know they're good because I've tried 'em while I was cooking them.

And if you'll just give me some of that, I'll give 'em a try along with one of these fine corn cakes.

This one's a little bit heavy.

These-these one with real corn in 'em, so you have to handle them with care.

Mmm.

I like that.

And your recipe is excellent, too.

Good baked beans.

Very nice.

- Mm-mm.

LARRY: Mm-mm-mm.

Well, there you have it.

That's it.

- Who would have thunk such a fabulous show would be that easy.

- It was wonderful.

Bye, everybody.

[♪♪♪] [music fades out]