[♪♪♪] -You know, they tell me that if you hang around the spot long enough, you'll eventually be on TV.

-Oh, is that the fact?

-I understand they're taping a TV show even as we speak.

-I know.

It's starring the Singer Midgets.

-[Larry sighs] -[Laban chuckles] They're down here a little lower.

-[chuckles] Yeah.

Unfortunately, we can't find anything for them to stand on.

-You've missed it.

-They're wonderful.

Oh, did you see that?

That's amazing.

-Yes.

-Well, let's-- -Well, let's-- -Perhaps we shouldn't talk about that.

-We're doing a cooking show today.

I'm Laban Johnson.

-I'm Larry Bly, and welcome to Cookin' Cheap .

It's nice to have you here.

-And this is our friend, the witch.

Boom.

-[Larry laughs] -You can read it today.

-Made a belly landing.

-Right.

What are we gonna do?

-Well, it says here, "Dear boys and girls."

-[Laban] Doris and Carol.

-Oh, Doris and Carol.

Okay.

"Have you got any easy pie recipes?

I intend to throw one in the mayor's ugly puss because he insulted my fudge-covered cauliflower."

Let me read that again.

"Because he insulted my fudge-covered cauliflower at the board of zoning appeals meeting this week."

Well, you know, that happens all the time.

-[Laban] Oh, I know.

-They insulted-- I had a broccoli thing, and they made fun of it.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-"I had taken the dish to help pave the way for the beauty shop I want to put where the dining room is now.

I need easy recipes because one, I don't have any room to cook.

Two, I can't cook anyway.

And three, I don't wanna spend a lot of time on our creepy mayor."

Isn't that the truth.

"Thank you for your pies.

Patty Ledbetter of Bower City, Florida."

[both laugh] Well, all of you who have mayors out there certainly know what we're talking about.

-[Laban] Yes.

Yes, you do.

-There's no two ways about that.

Bower City.

[laughs] Okay.

-All right.

-Well-- oh hey, that reminds me.

I'm gonna do Grandma Collette's Egg Pie.

-Oh, I remember her.

-Grandma Collette, she was a good woman.

-Mm-hmm.

-She drove a school bus, as I recall.

What?

-[laughs] I'm just laughing.

I forgot my glasses.

Let me-- -Sent in by Rachel Grogg of Kingsport, Tennessee.

How about-- we haven't heard from anybody in Kingsport for a while.

Hi.

-No, yeah.

-Nice to see you.

-And I'm doing Mitzi's Lemon Cheese Pie that was sent in by Mitzi Foracker of Trooper, Pennsylvania.

And Doris is doing the same pie.

And what-- Doris did it the way Mitzi's recipe goes.

-[Larry] Mm-hmm.

-And I'm doing it in a way to get the fat out.

-[chuckles] Get the fat out?

-Yeah, get the fat out.

-[Larry laughs] Okay.

- So, that's the difference.

So, what have you got to do that--?

-Well, because this is Grandma Collette's Egg Pie, this means you have to do everything including make up the dough from scratch.

And you know how much fun that is.

It's been a while since I've done it.

-[Laban] Oh boy!

Here we go!

-But you know, I come from a good dough-making family.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-Tootsie used to make her own pies, and she would never have thought of using one of those preordained things like you and I use.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-You know, the ones where you fold them out, or even worse still, the ones that are frozen in their infancy.

-[Laban] And of course, there were some people in his family that made a lot of dough, but they're in federal penitentiary right now.

-[laughs] We're not telling you how just right now.

-For copying the goods so much.

-[Larry] We start-- -My hair-- Look at my hair.

It's just-- I don't want to touch it with my hands.

[Larry] Well, I noticed it's been bothering you.

-I need a haircut real bad, but you know my barber.

-[Larry] Mr. Steve.

-Is just-- -[Larry] Is he drunk?

-Well, not all the time, but he's not available when I need him.

-[Larry laughs] -But I hope to get it done tomorrow.

-Last time I saw him, he didn't make any sense at all, and that's he's just normal.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-A cup of, it says, all-purpose flour, and right off the bat, I noticed I have self-rising.

-[Laban] Ah!

-What can you do?

Every time... You know what?

There are too many products in supermarkets.

-[Laban] Well, there are.

-I get somethin', I get it home.

I think I got somethin', and it's got, you know, onions in it, or somethin' I didn't even want.

So, we're gonna make this up a little bit here.

I think that would look real pretty in Miss Doris's hair, don't you think?

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

Yes.

-When she comes later on, I'm gonna snip that to her hair.

A cup of all-purpose flour.

Quarter of a teaspoon of baking powder.

[Laban] Well, you can leave that out now.

-Well, yeah, you know, you're right.

That might be a good idea.

-[Laban] But that is an attractive little can of baking powder.

-It's, uh-- Well, it is.

It's an old-timey label, isn't it?

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-So, anyway.

And, but thank you for remindin' me of that.

And four tablespoons of margarine.

What is that?

Is that-- -[Laban] That's eight.

-So, a half of a stick is what that means.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-And it has softened to the point where I can't cut it.

There we go.

We're gonna work that, and that's gonna have to be cut in, as they say in the business.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

That's the part I wanna see.

-A teaspoon of salt.

Do you have any salt over there?

-[Laban] Nope.

-Well, excuse me, just follow me right over here.

-You know, I don't use it.

It's not good for me, so I don't have it around.

-That's okay.

It's all right.

-[Laban laughs] -[laughs] I was gonna say I think I used just a little at your house one time, but maybe not.

And some ice-cold milk.

About a quarter of a cup, and that has been in my-- -[Laban] Car all morning.

-No, I actually went home prior to the show today because, uh, well, because I wasn't home last night.

So, I went home and got all this stuff today.

I was out on the road doing stuff.

Now what's this call for?

A what?

-[Laban] Milk.

-[Doris] Cup of milk.

-How much?

-[Doris] Fourth of a cup.

-Is that a fourth?

That's a fourth.

We're gonna add that in a couple of minutes.

First, I'm just gonna start cutting in this little margarine or butter actually.

And that's about all I'm gonna do for right now.

We'll get-- -[Laban] Well, you know, my sainted mother, the lovely Louise Elva Bond Johnson, used to-- -[Larry] Uh-huh.

Who had too many names, by the way.

[laughs] -[Laban] She did.

-[Larry] What?

[Laban] You know, we never found out what her middle name was until my brother and I were teenagers back in the '50s when Elvis got big, and we just thought it was so wild that our-- [Larry] No, I think Elvis got big in the latter '70s.

He gained about 200 pounds.

-Well, he did.

-[Larry] Go ahead.

-That's the truth.

[Larry] So, anyway, go ahead.

-But she used two knives to cut that in, so like scissors.

-[Larry] Is that so?

-But I can't.

All right, now with this pie.

This is a fairly interesting pie.

And you start out with an eight-ounce block of fat-free cream cheese.

-[Larry laughs] Fairly interesting pie.

I like that description, Laban.

-Well, it is.

-It's a fairly interesting pie.

[Larry laughs] -And of course, an engineer put this thing away the last time it was used.

Let's see if I can plug it in.

-[Larry] Once you cut this in, don't be afraid to get your fingers in it.

[hand blender whirring] [Laban] And you have to mix it until it's-- -[Larry] Goofy?

-[Laban] Yeah.

Just whipped up real good.

Well, it's working.

And this is the fat-free version of the cream cheese.

All right.

Now, I've got to add some milk to it, and I need to get the milk out the ice box.

-Well, while he's doing something exciting like walking to the ice box, I want you to see this.

Once you cut it in a little bit.

Tootsie always taught me that what you do is, you just get in there with your fingers then.

And you get this to the crumbly stage.

See that?

Just work that in real nice to the crust.

She really was a good dough maker.

She made real good dough.

I make dough the other way.

The old-fashioned way.

-You buy it at the supermarket.

-[Larry laughs] Yeah.

I also make dough the other way.

I work.

So, anyway, that's that.

Now we're gonna put in the quarter of a cup of ice-cold milk.

About a quarter of a cup.

Oops.

I would work that in a little slowly, if I were you, or you will do what Tootsie used to call "drown the miller" where you put too much stuff in, and it's not good.

So, just work that in a little bit.

I wouldn't do it all real fast.

Go ahead, Johnson.

[Laban] All right.

Well, I've got a half a cup of milk, and I'm gonna pour it all into the cream cheese mixture, to start out with, and mix it in real good.

[hand blender whirring] And you'll get a fine bubbly... [Larry] A bubbly what?

[Laban] It'll be smooth and bubbly when you mix your cream cheese.

[Larry] And does this have the same characteristics as the fatty kind?

[Laban] Uh, yeah, except this works just fine because you don't have to cook it.

The other kind does better when you have to use it in something that's gonna be cooked.

All right.

Now, as you can see, that is the consistency of whipped cream.

[Larry] Uh-huh.

It certainly is.

[Laban] Now we're going to add to it a box of instant lemon pudding mix.

And I wanna tell you right now that there is a fat-free, sugar-free version of this.

I had a terrible time.

And the one that I did at home is fat-free, sugar-free.

This one isn't.

-[Doris] [indistinct] -[Larry] I hope so.

-Oh, they're whispering again.

[Larry] Excuse me, Doris and I are having a little private conversation.

You know, she's a very good dough maker also.

And I just wanted to make sure that this was-- just look at that.

Isn't that pretty?

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

It is.

-Makes a real nice one.

Patty cake, patty cake.

Next thing I'm gonna do-- hang on just a second-- is just throw a little bit of stuff out on it, and we'll roll it out here in a couple of minutes.

All right?

Go ahead.

-[Laban] All right.

Now I'm just spreading the contents of this package of the lemon pudding, instant lemon pudding mix, and it should be fat-free, sugar-free, over the top of this.

And then, I'm gonna mix it up just a little bit, and then add another cup and a half of milk.

But Larry, you go on and do what you need to do over there.

-Well, I have this lovely piece of dough socked down here on the thing.

And what I'm going to do right now, and I've just shook out a little bit of flour.

And what I'm going to do now, I think it's probably just right, is we're gonna roll it out a little.

I hope it'll roll.

Well, it is.

[sings] Roll another one.

There we go.

Oh.

It's a little dry.

[Laban] I thought you were going to do "Roll On, Jordan."

[Larry] It's a little dry.

I'm gonna put just a little... Is it supposed to be this...?

Probably should have been just a little... Perhaps just a little bit... -[Doris] [indistinct] [Larry] You got to fold it?

Why do I have to fold it?

What?

Excuse me, I'm gonna have to go back to Doris to find out what she's talking about.

She says you got to get it real thin because I have to fold it.

Roll very thin, fold over edges several times.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I'm gonna do this the way I wanna do it.

So, I'm getting it real thin, all right.

In fact, this whole show is getting a little thin, if you wanna know the truth.

[laughs] I'm ready to go home.

-[Laban] It's on thin ice.

-Well, it's looking real pretty.

I think I made a nice dough.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

You did.

-Problem is, I think it's going-- It's a bit different.

-It looks like a map of Italy.

-[laughs] Well, it does.

Now let me show you this.

A little travel log, ladies and gentlemen.

One time, many summers ago, Laban and I traveled down into this portion of Italy.

And it was down in here that there was a-- well, never mind.

Anyway.

Now, am I supposed to put a little flour on that?

Is that what they say?

-[Doris] Fold it.

-Fold it what?

She's-- go ahead, Laban.

She's givin' me instructions, and I don't-- -[Laban] Oh, okay.

I'm-- -[Doris] Fold all the edges in.

-I'm putting a half a teaspoon of lemon rind grated into the mixture, so.

-[Larry laughs] -Isn't it awful?

-[Larry] This is a disaster.

Well, not entirely, but I'm having just a little problem here with my dough.

[clears throat] -You know, I have a feeling, up in heaven or somewhere, Tootsie's laughing herself to death.

-She's saying, "Boy, oh boy, what did he ever learn from me?

I hope he's not blaming me for this," she's saying.

[sighs] I'm not folding it over several times because I'm lucky if I got enough to put it in there.

As you can see now, that's pretty lovely.

[laughs] I think it's too flaky.

There's something has gone just slightly... You know, perhaps if I put a little fork thing around the edge, no one will notice how rough it is.

Well, that's not working.

-[Doris] Dip it in flour.

[Larry] No, I'm not gonna dip it in anything.

[laughs] I'm just gonna do this.

I'm gonna make a fine little handmade scallop to go around the edge of it.

Isn't that pretty?

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

Lovely.

[Larry] That's pretty old-timey looking.

Pay no attention to the parts that are missing.

This is terribly embarr-- and I-- you've seen me-- Now, Laban, come to my rescue.

-[Laban] What?

-[Larry] You've seen me make beautiful dough here on occasion.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-[Larry] I have.

You know I can.

You've even complimented me-- -[Laban] It's real nice.

[Larry] --on my dough-making culinary skills.

[laughs] [Laban] But the proof is in the eating.

Is it gonna be nice and-- -[Larry] That's right.

[Laban] Lord, here's all kinds of stuff in here.

[Larry] Well, you know, they're having a big fundraiser or something and it seems to be-- -Oh.

Well, somebody's bought an entire gallon of dill strips.

-There is a lot-- dill strips?

-Uh-huh.

-Now I don't know anybody that'd want to voluntarily eat those.

But anyway.

[Laban] You know, it's just real exciting to work here in this place.

-I am rebuilding this from scratch, practically.

And I can assure you... [Laban] I'm adding another half cup of milk.

-[Laban sighs] -[Larry laughs] Now, don't you think that's pretty?

-[Laban] It's lovely.

-I think I've managed to save it.

-[Laban] You did very well.

-I have managed to save it.

Take a look at it.

Now I assume that you poke some holes in it before you bake it, and maybe a couple on the sides too.

You know, some people have weights they put in these things.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

[Larry] But I've never believed in that.

I don't think it's natural.

Now, what you do is put that in the oven and you bake it at 350 degrees for ten minutes.

And that's going to be your shell.

And when it comes out of the oven-- oh, that is so hot-- it looks like a baked shell.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-There it is.

And in a couple of minutes, we're gonna make the stuff that goes in the shell.

That's already baked at 350 degrees for ten minutes.

-[Laban] Huh?

-[Doris] [indistinct] [Larry] Yeah.

Go on ahead and put it in there.

Thank you.

My lovely assistant, my trusty assistant, the very lovely Doris, is now putting it in the oven.

So, anyway, thank you very much.

Three hundred fifty degrees for ten minutes.

And in a couple of minutes, I'll show you how we make the custard part that goes into it.

Mr. Custard, you want to go ahead there?

[Laban] All right.

Yes.

Now we've got our interior of the pie finished, our filling, I'll get it right in a second.

And you go to the pre-made graham cracker crust department-- -[Larry laughs] -and get-- this is a low-fat graham cracker crust.

-Have you ever made a graham cracker crust from scratch?

-Uh-huh.

It's a pain in the behind.

-[Larry] It really is.

It's not worth it.

It's another one of those things you ought to buy, ladies and gentlemen.

-Mm-hmm.

-[Larry] Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

-And you put your filling into the pie crust.

And if you've done it right, and got the right measurement of milk and all this other stuff, it should come out just perfectly.

Mm-hmm.

-[Larry] Look at that.

That is gorgeous.

-[Laban] Looks pretty good.

Now I'm going to take my lemon that I have here.

[Larry] Take your lemon to town.

[laughs] -And I'm gonna do a little, some garnishes because I noticed Doris didn't go to the trouble to do any today and that won't-- [Larry] Oh, she brought some whipped cream.

That's the secret, see.

-Oh.

Doris.

Doris.

[Larry] She's gonna squirt that stuff on there.

You know her.

She always is prepared.

She's like a Girl Scout.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-I'm gonna break four eggs in here while he's doing that.

-[Laban] All right.

-Four of them, ladies and gentlemen.

One, two... three... and four.

There we go.

All four into there.

And this is gonna be the custard part here in a couple of minutes.

Go ahead, Mr. Johnson.

-All right.

Now let me tell you, you can do this with any flavor pudding mix.

I tried it with bananas and the banana cream mix, and it turned out just wonderfully well.

Really tasty.

So, just remember, you can do that if you just want to have a little something different.

[Larry] Okay.

To this you add... we have the four eggs in there.

We beat them up a little bit.

To this, you add two thirds cup of sugar.

And...

I've lost it.

Huh?

[Doris] Half a teaspoon of salt.

-Half a teaspoon of salt.

Thank heavens we got the salt.

A little bit of that.

Boom.

That goes in there.

Uh, half teaspoon of nutmeg.

I don't know why, I did this recipe just the other day, I've already forgotten mostly what I know.

-[Laban] Abuse of your brain.

-I think you're probably right.

And a teaspoon of vanilla goes in there.

A little teaspoon of vanilla.

There we go.

And two and two-thirds cup of milk.

And we'll mix all of that up.

Go ahead, Mr. Johnson.

[Laban] All right, now... you take your liner from your graham cracker crust and put it back down on here upside-down, and of course, that makes it-- protects your pie.

Makes it easy to carry wherever you're gonna take it.

And I'm sealing it back up, the foil liner, back up, and then we're gonna put it in the freezer and let it freeze, preferably overnight.

And we'll put it over here, and that's it.

-Well, while I'm mixing this up, why don't we trot the Sisters in here for a couple minutes.

-All right.

-I'm mixing all this stuff up now.

The milk, two and two-thirds cup of milk.

And all of the good stuff, you know, the sugar, nutmeg, and what have you.

Right now, we've got the Cook Sisters who are gonna come by and help you out right now.

-[Tootsie] Hey.

-[Sister] Yeah?

-Hey.

-Hey, yourself.

-[Tootsie] Sis.

-[Sister] You gonna munch some?

-I have a tip for you.

-Oh, okay.

-If you run out of cooling racks, or you just can't find yours, you know what you can do is-- [Sister] [indistinct] little lattice thing.

[indistinct] will take on and cool off.

Yeah.

-Well, what you can do is take cupcake things and turn them upside down and use them for cooling racks.

Cupcake, what do they call 'em?

-Muffin pans?

-Muffin pans.

-Oh.

-I'm Tootsie Cook, and I'm getting forgetful.

[laughs] -A brain's a horrible thing to waste.

And I'm Sister Cook.

-And we're the Cook Sisters.

-Take the custard, pour it into... -[Laban laughs] -Take your custard [indistinct].

-The pie that will never end.

-This makes enough almost for two when you've got one this small.

So, I'm gonna use the one also that we're baking currently-- [Laban] Oh, good.

-in the oven to use up the rest of that.

But there it is, and it's quite lovely.

And you'll take that and put it back in the oven at 300 and-- 425 degrees for 15 minutes, then you cut it back to 325 for 45 more minutes or until it's real nice and done.

Mine took a little bit longer than that because I wasn't using real milk.

I was using 1 percent.

And it has a tendency to be a little thinner, and it takes a little bit longer.

[Laban] Well, Doris, come on in and show us your version of this lemon pie.

-The fun version, the fat version, the one that everyone wants version of this thing.

-See, mine looks pretty much like Laban's.

[laughs] -[Laban] Well, it does.

-But I used whole milk and the regular pudding mix.

And so, I figured if it's gonna be sinful, maybe we ought to get some cream or something to put on it and really, you know, make it sinful, right?

I probably can do-- Oh, great.

I never-- [Larry] Oh.

And she's being terribly artistic.

[Doris] How about that?

You know, I never did this before.

It turns out-- [Laban] Oh, it looks just like-- that you get at the cafeteria.

-[Larry] Uh-huh.

It looks just like the one that you buy.

[laughs] [Doris] I had never tried it with one of these things before.

I didn't know you could do that.

That's pretty neat.

-Well, that is just wonderful.

-[Doris] Really make it sinful.

[laughs] -All right.

Very good.

-But I figured it's a very simple pie to make.

I thought about making my own crust, too.

But I decided it wasn't worth it for this kind of pie.

-[Laban] No.

And actually, it's just as cheap to buy.

-Yeah, to make it.

I don't know how you get them out of here, though.

-[Laban] Well, here's how.

You have to carve the pie with a big knife.

[Doris] It says put it in the freezer and keep it in there until ready to serve.

But-- -[Laban] Uh-huh.

Well, we took these out about a little while ago.

But they will be frozen.

[Doris] So, do you eat them frozen, or are you supposed to let them thaw a little bit?

-Yeah, you eat them frozen.

No, you eat it frozen.

It's like ice cream.

-[Doris] This one might be thawed a little bit because I got it out a little early and then it's an hour to get here.

[Larry] There it goes.

Well, he left the crust.

-[Laban] I broke the crust.

Well, [indistinct] another one.

-[Larry] Let me give my recipe while you're trying to get one of those out.

Grandma Collette's Egg Pie.

Cup of all-purpose flour, quarter teaspoon of baking powder, four tablespoons of margarine, half teaspoon of salt, ice-cold milk.

That makes the crust.

The custard, four eggs, two-thirds cup sugar, half teaspoon salt, half teaspoon nutmeg, two and two-thirds cup of milk, a teaspoon of vanilla.

What do you got in yours?

[Laban] And Mitzi's Lemon Cheese Pie that Doris and I both did takes an eight-ounce package of cream cheese, softened, two cups of cold milk, divided, one three and a quarter ounce package of instant lemon pudding mix, a half teaspoon of grated lemon peel, and one graham cracker crust, nine inches.

[Larry] Here's what this looks like when it comes out.

Isn't this pretty?

This is an old-timey looking pie when it comes out of the oven.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-It's simply gorgeous.

There it is.

It's lovely.

-[Laban] Lovely.

-Let's take it over to the table, one time Maisie, and see if we can taste some of this stuff.

All right.

Give me your plate and I'll... -All right.

-...get you some of this out, hopefully.

[both chortling] [Laban] Somehow that just didn't seem to... [Larry] Somehow, I think that I don't have the proper tool.

Oh, well.

It looks pretty anyway.

-[Laban] You gotta get some-- -Well, how do you eat this if it's all frozen?

-[Laban] This is like ice cream.

-Hmm.

It's like eating a big old popsicle.

-[Larry and crew laugh] -But it's good.

Oh, but it hurts those teeth I'm having checked in the morning.

Let me try Grandma Collette's pie.

Mm.

-And there's Doris's version.

-That is an old-timey tasting recipe.

It really is.

And let me try Doris's here.

Which isn't quite as frozen as yours.

-No, she didn't trust me.

-It's pretty good.

I think they're all very good.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-I really do.

This one, you probably if you put this pie on a stick and ate it over a period of an hour, it'd be nice.

During the summer months, around the pool.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-But it's pretty good though.

Really.

The substitutions don't hurt it a bit.

-[Laban] No.

-Proud of you, Mr. Johnson.

You did a right good job.

-Well, both of these pies are delicious.

-What do you think of Aunt Collette's?

I mean, Grandma's Colette's.

-It's just like egg custard pie my grandma used to make.

[Larry] Yeah, egg custard is not my favorite pie in the world.

I don't know why.

I always preferred, you know, lemon and chocolate and fruit pies.

-Mm-hmm.

-[Larry] But it'll do.

It'll be alright.

-My Aunt Elta was so good about making butterscotch pie.

-Mm.

-Mm, mm, mm.

Homemade butterscotch.

-Oh.

There's nothing like it.

And you know what?

We've never done one of those on this show.

-Mm-mm.

-We ought to do that sometime.

A fine butterscotch pie.

-Was that somebody calling for us?

I heard a phone ring.

-There's been some kind of alarm has gone off in the building.

We don't know whether it's something.

-Oh.

Maybe somebody wants to make a pledge.

[laughs] -Is the crust ready to come out?

I'll bet it is.

[laughs] It's either a pledge or the crust is ready.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-I'm not sure which.

And sometimes, it really doesn't make much difference around here.

That's about it, I guess.

-[Laban] Yes.

It has.

-It's been a pie show.

It's been a pie show.

Bye.

Pie y'all.

Take care.

[♪♪♪] [music fades out]