[♪♪♪] -Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

All ships at sea.

-Oh, no.

I'm just-- -What is this?

-Well, we're gonna measure your head.

[laughs] -[laughs] I think it's smaller than it used to be.

-Well, I think it is, too.

-And I think my chins are probably bigger than they used to be, but I'm not sure.

-Oh, you know, you can get them operated on, though.

-We have a friend that actually had that done, that's true.

-Yes, that did that.

Had his chin surgically removed, and you can't tell it.

-Except for the big hole where his chin used to be.

[laughs] -[laughs] You know, I had to get out my ruler.

I have got a ruler, and I couldn't find it in one of my drawers where I have always this kind of stuff.

-Well, you building something, Johnson?

-Yes.

I wanted to see how big this pan was.

I bought these, that's why brought it in, at a cheap sale at the grocery store.

They were not gonna carry this particular manufacture anymore and I bought them, bought two of them.

-Looks right beat up.

-Well, it got mashed on the way over here.

Because my recipe today is supposed to be in a nine-inch pan but this is only eight and a half inch.

So, I figured, "Eh, what's the difference.

Let's go ahead and do it."

-I'm very sorry but the-- -Food police.

-Food police will be here, measuring, shaking you down momentarily.

-And some of those, people, they just think you gotta do everything exactly right.

There are no rules in the kitchen, folks.

-You know against that beautiful wood behind you, you just look so natural.

-I know.

[laughs] -[laughs] -I just gave somebody a birthday card today that says you just looks so natural.

And of course, they'll probably say that when they look at you after you die.

[laughs] -Oh, well, they always do, but you know.

Well, you know, Sam always throws that pink light on you.

[chuckles] -[Laban laughs] -It doesn't matter what you went with, you look great.

-What are we doing today?

-Well, I don't know.

-[Laban] Come on, witch.

-I think it's time for the witch to do a fly out.

Right on cue.

-Right into my heart.

-Right on the old, whatever.

Mwah!

Honey!

She's gone.

Had she stayed - do you wanna read this?

-No, no, you go ahead and-- -You want me to read this?

-Yeah.

-"Dear Boys - "dear boys, Granny Smith has a real bad blockage in some of her guts."

-[laughs] Some of her guts.

-It's so terrible what people write.

-This is a family show.

-I forget which.

"Her preachers told her to try pineapple and cinnamon "which is supposed to open her up.

Got any ideas?

Fondly, Mrs. Yuleprine of Salem, Virginia."

-[Laban laughs] -Well, as a matter of fact-- -Well, let's open granny up today.

-As a matter of fact, I'm gonna be doing two pineapple pies.

-Oh, good.

-Two for the price of one.

Now, that's a good cheap recipe.

-And I'm doing a cinnamon flop.

-I beg your pardon?

-A cinnamon flop.

-And the very lovely Doris - Doris will be in.

-[Laban] Doris.

-A little bit later on, if we allow her to.

-Yes.

[laughs] -Of course, if we have time.

[chuckles] -Well, I know that she's got one of those battery-operated megaphones.

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

And she-- -Uh-huh, like that manager on WCW who keeps beating people over the head with it.

-She's doing a pineapple casserole sent in by Peggy Ragland of Newport News, Virginia.

They build a lot of fine ships down there.

-And my flop is from Florence Wood of Salem, New Jersey.

-Well, I gotta do one quick thing, and then I'll let you do yours.

-Okay, you go on then.

-First of all, you make up some fresh dough.

And as you now, Mr. Johnson and I - well, this called actually for some of that frozen pie crust.

Well, it doesn't really.

It just says, you know, put it in pie crust.

Well, anyway, I think, as Mr. Johnson would agree, that this stuff is falling apart.

But this stuff-- it'll be all right.

-[Laban] A bit cracked.

-Heel.

[chuckles] I'm gonna have to - well, it cracked because it's cold.

If you buy these things, you have to let them warm up a little bit so that they will be more malleable.

-Far be it for me to tell you how to do anything, but according to the directions, they say you're supposed to put a little bit of flour on.

-It doesn't matter.

It doesn't make any difference whatsoever.

-Well, I'm glad to hear you say that because I have found that it's true.

-It's a bunch of hooey.

It is a bunch of hooey.

So anyway, you saw how I did that.

Put that in there and then just poke a couple of holes so the thing doesn't swell up and explode and put someone's eye out.

-It's a whole lot cheaper than buying pie weights.

-Well, it certainly is.

And put that in the oven, now there'll be two of them.

Here's the second one in case you missed it on the first one.

The exciting replay, ladies and gentlemen.

-Oh, no.

-Wouldn't want you to miss this for the world.

-Wait a minute.

-Johnson and I both agree that we don't like the frozen ones, of course, Miss Thing over here is putting her nose up at this, too, because she makes hers from scratch.

But we both agree that the best of all worlds is to buy this that's in the dairy case that's relatively fresh, if you don't want to make it from scratch.

And if you don't wanna use that frozen stuff which I hate because that stuff has a tendency to be a little too flaky.

Tootsie taught me to do this.

She says, "Don't waste your time on a knife.

Just do that and peel it off and throw it away, and that will be the end of it."

And once again, in case you missed the poking of the holes.

-Now do you do anything fancy with the crust?

-Yeah, I put one of those right there.

Now, put this in the oven, [chuckles] at 450 degrees.

-Now, let's see how he opens the oven door with a pie in each hand.

-Oh.

At 450 degrees, and bake it for nine minutes.

And in a couple of minutes, check back with me on this show and I'll show you what goes in it because what goes in it is delicious.

Johnson?

-All right.

This flop, there is nothing to it.

So, watch, this is real easy.

Even some little child could make this for breakfast some morning when granny was visiting.

All right, a tablespoon of oil and that's all it takes and I'm not even going to measure it out.

I have seen what a tablespool-- spoon-- all right - one cup of sugar.

-Tablespool.

-We're just gonna mix a bunch of stuff together.

So, here is a cup of sugar.

This is so much easier pre-measuring now.

[laughs] -I swear!

-The truth is, the bag of sugar and flour weigh so much, I can't carry it in.

So, there is the-- -Well, I hate to tell you this, but your habits are starting to come home.

I have pre-measured sugar today.

-Oh.

All right, that's a cup of sugar, two cups of flour.

That's one, two cups of flour, two-- -That's a pretty bowl you've got there.

-Thanks, it is.

-Isn't that lovely?

And what?

-And two teaspoons of baking powder.

Let me get this.

One, two.

And-- -You've just built a little mountain there.

It's real pretty.

-Uh-huh, and a cup of milk.

And that is somewhere.

Oh, it's in the refrigerator.

Let me get it, excuse me.

-He's probably - well, that's a lovely shot.

He's probably pre-measured it.

-Well-- -[laughs] -As luck would have it, I have.

[chuckles] You know, I have to be careful about what I'm carrying 'cause it's so heavy and I could hurt myself.

-Johnson, you know, it's just so tough for me to get used to you getting old.

[Larry laughs] -[laughs] Oh.

-He used to be so frisky.

-And now, you stir all this together, and you're gonna put it in an eight or nine-inch square pan.

So, that's all I have to do right now.

-Well, thank heavens, you had the option of going eight or nine being that this, of course, is not the proper dimensions.

-Right.

-Is that it?

-That's it.

-Is that all we're gonna watch you do?

-Oh, no.

I'll do some other things after a while.

-Oh, thank heavens.

I thought we were gonna have to go to another show there for a minute.

Now, what I have done is taken a nice-sized pot, at least this big, no smaller for heaven's sake, 'cause this makes quite a bit.

It makes enough for two pie fillings.

And I am currently melting a half a stick of margarine in there.

And I would suggest-- it says dump all this together and mix it.

But I disagree with that, I think you dump everything in except for the crushed pineapple, and hold that back for just a couple of minutes.

The next thing we're gonna do is separate five eggs, and we're gonna put - what do you want?

You want us to see you spray some.?

-Yeah, I'm just gonna spray this pan and dump this mixture into it.

And you don't have to do this mixture a lot, just get it moist.

That's all.

-Now, watch carefully, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a tricky thing he's doing.

[chuckles] Spray that stuff on me.

-Gonna spray some on your snoot, that's all.

Okay, goodbye.

-[laughs] All right.

Well, that didn't last very long.

-[Laban laughs] -We gotta separate five eggs.

I know it's sad, but we have to do it.

-Oh, I know 'cause they always scream and yell, so-- -Now, you're gonna put the whites on one side in a mixing bowl because what we're gonna do is we're gonna make some meringue here in a minute.

We'll also do the meringue.

There is one, and put the yolks over in your pan on top of the stove.

[Laban] You know, we got a letter from some lady, I opened up and read today that took us to task-- -[Larry] Two.

Yeah?

-Because we said that nobody made banana pudding with meringue on it anymore.

-Well, we didn't mean every single person in the world, three.

-Well, she said that they do at her house, and she just wanted us to know it.

-Well, good.

Did you get her phone number?

Let's bring that phone in here, Doris.

Let's call her.

-No, I just threw it in there like I do all of those things.

[Larry] No, I want to call her right now.

I'm irritated.

Four, was that four?

Are you keeping count?

Well, you see, I had a dozen eggs, started with a tray of dozen eggs, and took five eggs out.

So five eggs there.

So that would tell you to have two left over and there are indeed two left over.

The mathematics worked out perfect on this, ladies and gentlemen.

-[Laban] Well, good.

-And there goes the final egg yolk in there.

Next thing you do is you pour in a whole can of evaporated milk.

Put some flour in there, it doesn't matter.

It calls for half a cup of flour or five teaspoons of cornstarch.

I'm emptying out the flour bag, that ought to be very close.

And also, an entire can of evaporated milk.

This is one of those recipes, by the way, ladies and gentlemen, that just says big.

It doesn't tell you any size.

It just says a large, this big, that.

Two cups of sugar, I pre-measured it, I'm sorry.

It is not that I do not have the capability of lifting big bags of sugar.

It's just I didn't wanna lug it around.

And half a teaspoon of - well, I know what a half a teaspoon looks like, just like Johnson does, of vanilla, goes in there.

Now, I would suggest that you mix that around first before you put your crushed pineapple in there.

And you're gonna turn this up fairly high, and I'm gonna tell you the first problem that I had yesterday.

And it's gonna happen with this one 'cause this is one of those real thin pans.

See, the reason you don't wanna put your pineapple in yet is because you wanna make sure you mix this up real good, and you get all your flour mixed up real well.

Is there anything I missed?

Doris is not looking the least bit nervous, therefore, I must have.

Now, cut this up but be very careful 'cause I'm gonna tell you what.

After you get this mixed real well, then you put in your crushed pineapple.

A whole can, it says big can.

Put that in there also.

-[Laban] Big old can.

-Big old can, put that in there and mix that all around, too.

And now, at this point, you turn it up real hot and you gotta bring it to a boil for three minutes.

But I'm gonna tell you, you had better be attentive because this stuff will stick and scorch in a heartbeat.

I'm now gonna go away from the whisk and I'm gonna go to one of these because I found that if I could scrape the bottom, it kept it from thickening too fast and from scorching on the bottom.

And so, now I gotta bring this up to a boil for three minutes.

And that's all I'm gonna do.

-And it is thickening, isn't it?

-It's thickening, it certainly is.

And in a little bit here, we're gonna do a meringue and it doesn't tell you how to do the meringue at all.

But fortunately, I'm a great meringue maker from way back.

Tootsie taught me how to make a fine meringue from scratch and I'll show you how to do that in just a little bit.

Except, did you bring any extra sugar with you?

-[Laban] No, I didn't.

-[Larry] Oh, dear.

Do we have any in the thing?

-Oh, let me look and see.

-Oh.

I brought just - now, this is what happens when you pre-measure stuff.

I pre-measured the part that goes in here, but I forgot to bring along extra sugar for the meringue.

Do you mean to tell me we don't have-- -Larry, wait just a minute.

There you go.

[chuckles] -I hope I don't-- -Well, he said he wanted some sugar.

-I hope I don't catch anything.

What?

-[man] The other side.

It's in one of those canisters.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, I can't believe this.

I should have-- I knew there was some reason why I should have brought the bag along.

[Laban] Oh, wait a minute.

Here are some - what is this?

-It's creamer.

[laughs] Laban is searching - oh.

-Sugar.

-Oh, thank heavens, we do have some sugar for my meringue.

I forgot to bring the sugar for - could you - the lovely Miss Doris is gonna open that up for me so I can get into it.

-Well, is there anything over here in these-- empty-- -Oh.

[laughs] It was already-- -[laughs] Here's a clean one.

We won't have to wash that one.

-I'm not sure.

I think it was a little, it's a little old.

Well, I'll get enough sugar out of there to make this meringue, I promise you.

-[Laban laughs] -[chuckles] Somehow.

It doesn't take an awful lot of sugar for meringue anyway.

In fact, if you make too much of it, it'll just go flat on you, go sad on you, or get really syrupy.

What are you gonna do?

You're gonna operate on - see if you can get some out.

Here, pour it into this, if you - come over here.

If you're going to be my lovely assistant, you have to be my lovely assistant on camera.

What are you doing?

Are you trying to.?

-[Doris] I'm just trying to mash it up.

-How long do you suppose the sugar has been there?

-[Doris] Well, from the looks of it.

[laughs] -I'll accept anything I can get.

-I've got brown sugar.

Would that be all right?

-No.

You don't want brown sugar for your meringue.

You'll mess it all-- there we go.

She's doing a great job of it now.

She's doing real good.

I'm proud of her.

Well, the only thing I can do, Laban, I've just gotta stand here, wait 'til this stuff comes to a boil.

-Well, I guess my sugar just didn't count.

It's no good.

-[laughs] Well, if it-- -Well, anyway, I need a half a cup of brown sugar and I've got it.

-That was about the most loving I've had for several months.

Oh, me.

Now, what are you doing?

-I'm trying to get half a cup.

-Well, look at this, ladies and gentlemen.

Everybody is poking around in a container trying to get sugar out of something.

-Well, mine is okay.

It's a fresh box.

-Oh.

-All right, now, once you get the sugar, you sprinkle a half a cup of sugar over the top of the batter here.

-Well, how delicately done.

How wondrous it is.

I have to check my pie crusts.

Well, they're looking right-- -Hardy.

-Looking like they're getting where they're supposed to be.

-Well, anyway, so here I go.

-What was that?

-[Doris] [laughs] That's the nine-- -Is that the telephone?

-[Doris] That's the nine minutes.

-Oh, is that it?

All right, nine minutes up, ladies and gentlemen.

I gotta take the pie crusts out.

Now, look at this.

Tell me Doris couldn't do any better from scratch.

That is just simply lovely.

You would never know, except for the folds where it came apart.

[chuckles] It shrunk up and came apart at the seams.

-Oh, see you're supposed to-- -I know what I was supposed to do.

[Laban] What are you supposed to do?

-I was much more delicate at home, I did it right, I promise you I did.

I took a little more time with it.

But that's all right, it will do for the likes of this recipe.

It will do okay.

-Oh, Larry, I don't know if I like this attitude.

It's good enough for us.

-[laughs] But anyway, well, while I'm waiting for this to thicken and it's taking its good old time-- and it is.

It's-- -And we are thick of it.

-It is trying.

It is trying very hard to scorch on the bottom.

This will get very thick very fast.

And so, while we're doing that, I'm gonna make up - that's enough, Doris.

You have diddled around enough.

I'm gonna make up some meringue.

You take your egg whites and let them set just a little bit.

It doesn't hurt for them to get to be room temperature.

But you got to be careful in this day and age because you don't wanna kill anybody, any of your friends with all the horrible things that you can get from food that sits around too long.

And start frothing those things up.

I want you to see this, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a first on Cookin' Cheap .

I'm doing two things simultaneously.

-[laughs] But can you chew gum while you do it.

-If I had gum - [laughs] You know, Hammerstrom always has gum.

All right, now, here's what you gotta do, add a little bit of-- -Did you put pearl onions in this?

-No, no, no.

That's a-- -What is that?

-Pineapple.

-Oh, that's-- I thought he had curdled his stuff.

But it's just pineapple, plain old pineapple out of the can, right?

-Just a little bit of vanilla extract goes in there.

And as you're doing this, be very careful because you don't wanna kill it.

You'll add a little bit of sugar.

And you don't need to add a lot of sugar, just a little sugar.

Johnson's sugar a while ago was just too much for his recipe.

A little sugar goes a long way.

That's enough.

I wouldn't do any more.

Until it's sweet to the touch.

There you go until it forms peaks.

Isn't that beautiful, ladies and gentlemen?

I did it right before your eyes every time.

Great recipe, Tootsie taught me how to do that years ago.

You either got it or you don't.

It's as simple as that.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to thicken this.

You gotta bring it to a boil for three minutes and it's getting there.

But watch this, see?

On the bottom, if you're not careful.

I wonder if this shouldn't have had a double boiler, but then it would take forever to get something to boil on the double boiler, wouldn't it?

[Laban] Well, does it have to reach boiling?

[Larry] It says.

-Well then, you don't want a double boiler.

-Well, no, you don't.

It says, "Boil them for three minutes."

So, I guess you - but you gotta be real careful 'cause look how thick - you see that thick stuff on the bottom?

It's got an awful lot of - -[man] Thickness.

-[Laban laughs] -Thickness.

[laughs] -The voice of God.

-Once in a while, the camera people help us out when words fail us, what can I tell you?

Well, I'm gonna set this aside 'cause, you know.

-I'll tell you, I'm thick of hearing about it.

[chuckles] -We'll put that in there 'cause we don't want nothing bad to happen to it.

And you know, if I could leave it alone, it would boil faster.

But I'm afraid to leave it alone.

This thing, it will scorch on the bottom.

I just know it will.

Well, while I'm waiting to do this, let's - can bring in-- -Yeah, let's go over recipes.

-Oh, oh, yeah, go ahead.

-Let me do mine while you're doing - here's the Cinnamon Flop recipe from Florence in Salem, New Jersey.

A tablespoon of oil, one cup of sugar, two teaspoons of baking powder, two cups of flour, one cup of milk.

And the topping that I'm working on now calls for a half a cup of brown sugar, four tablespoons of butter or margarine, and I'll show you that in just a minute, and a teaspoon of cinnamon.

And you bake it for about 30 minutes or 35 minutes at 350 degrees.

And let me just show everybody right now what I'm doing.

I've got some cinnamon.

It calls for a teaspoon, but I think you can just kind of sprinkle it really good on the top.

And this is all there is to mine.

-Well, that's real pretty.

-Uh-huh.

-Miss Doris, come in here.

The very lovely Doris, ladies and gentlemen, who is standing by in the background and has been so helpful to me today.

-[Laban] Oh, she is.

-I don't know what I would do without you.

-I'm gonna put this in the oven so Doris has got room to operate on.

-[Doris] Okay, I had to make a pineapple-- -I thought she'd forgotten she was here for a minute.

-[Doris] No, a Pineapple Casserole.

And it called for one 20-ounce can of undrained crushed pineapple, two tablespoons of flour, a half a cup of white sugar, about one cup of grated cheddar cheese.

And then you crush Ritz crackers, I did one of the little bags they have inside it.

You know, they come in three, I think it is.

And I melted one stick of butter to mix with the Ritz crackers and put it on top.

And then you bake it for 20 minutes at 350.

I don't know how you're supposed to get it out.

It's called a casserole and I tried with the thing, but I don't believe you can get it out as a pie.

I think you would have to spoon it.

Because-- see it doesn't-- [Laban] Well, you probably could get out as-- -[Doris] Oh, it's something but I think-- [Larry] And put it in little bowls and put some cream on it.

-On little bowls and eat it.

Yeah, and I thought about with ice cream or cream or something like that, it would just be like a cobbler type thing.

-Yeah.

-[Doris] And well, it said 20 minutes and see, the cheese didn't melt or do anything in there.

I wonder if you shouldn't do it a little longer.

-[Laban] I would think so.

-[Doris] And I looked it up.

I saw it in another recipe book, and it said 305-degree oven for two minutes.

And I knew that one had to be a misprint, so that didn't help any.

-Well, that's real nice.

Now my recipe-- -[laughs] -[Doris] And I think Larry's here is one of those - it doesn't say but I think it's one of these constant stirring until boiling thing.

-Yeah.

That's what I had to do yesterday.

I gotta give my recipe or I'm never gonna get it in.

Sent in by Denise Rhodes of Sutherland, Virginia.

Five egg yolks, save the whites for your meringue, two cups of sugar, a large can of crushed pineapple, a half stick of margarine, half a cup of flour or five teaspoons of cornstarch, a large can of evaporated milk, and a half teaspoon of vanilla.

Now, this has gotten real thick, I'm gonna cut it off.

I'm gonna go on ahead and do it.

What you do once it thickens up is - and it should be thicker than that, but that's okay, we'll go with it.

Pour.

This makes two complete pies.

[Laban] 'Cause you know blood is thicker than pie filling.

-And then, what you do on top of that is - what I would suggest you do because it's very hot, put it in a refrigerator and let it chill for a couple of hours.

Once it's set up, then you put your meringue on top it, real pretty.

And do what you do with meringue, which is put it under your broiler to brown it and voila.

-[Laban] Lovely.

-That's what it looks like.

It looks like, maybe it was a little hotter on this side than this side.

But I-- if I'd have been a little more precise.

[Laban] Or if you've got a little butane torch, you can go over the top of it.

-Whatever, but anyway, that's the way it works.

That's the way it is.

And there you go.

And that's a fabulous recipe.

-Real good.

I wouldn't leave it over there, I want a spoonful-- -Well, I have another one.

-Oh, you got-- -It makes two pies.

-Oh, that's right.

How nice.

-So that's doubly special.

-Oh, good.

Well, they'll get hefty around here eating all of these pies if they don't wind up in somebody's face.

-That's right.

-Right.

-So anyway.

-No, we haven't thrown a pie in anybody's face for years.

-It has been a while, hasn't it?

-But fortunately, they're in glass things.

-Well, let's give this a try.

-All right, let's go do it.

-So much furniture, so little time.

-[laughs] -Well, let me get you a piece of this fine pie.

Well, it is set up real, real nice.

You know it would be nice if we have proper utensils over here.

-Well, I wish you would look, look.

[laughs] -Well, I can't get this out with this.

[Doris talking in the background] No, mine has set up so well that it actually formed properly.

And even though I did not have the proper tools, it came out properly.

Now, that's a good pie, ladies and gentlemen.

-Here's a piece of flop for you.

-Well, this is a pretty pie, as you can see, and if I had a decent thing to get it out with.

Here, have some of this.

Well, we're certainly going to have our share of pineapple.

I think you only need one, Johnson.

-Yes, and that's-- nah, thanks.

Well, we'll see if it's any good.

-Well, let me try yours.

Do you eat it with your fingers or with a fork?

-Beats me.

-That's nice and crunchy.

-Looks to me like a coffee cake maybe.

Let me try Doris's here.

-Well, it tastes wonderful.

I like that.

-Hmm.

-How is that stuff?

-It tastes exactly like pineapple.

-[laughs] Which did you try?

Doris's?

-Mm-hm.

-Let me try it.

It tastes exactly like pineapple.

-I don't think it baked long enough, and I think you're supposed to serve it hot.

Does it say serve cold?

-[Doris] It doesn't say.

-That Doris never pays attention to recipes.

-[Doris] It doesn't say.

[chuckles] -What do you think of the pie?

-The pie is delicious.

That is real good.

-The pie is fabulous.

-Real good.

-And very nice to make.

-Let me try my cinnamon food.

-It would be especially good for summer because it's so fruity and well, chilly.

Hmm, good.

And I think yours is, too, Johnson.

I like this little recipe that you put together.

-That's kind of a coffee cake, and it's wonderful.

-A little crunchy on the edges, terrific.

Well, yeah, we think that if Doris had paid a little more attention to hers-- -[laughs] If-- and if her stove worked right.

-Bye.

[♪♪♪]