[♪♪♪] -Ahoy, ye mates!

[laughs] Oh!

Hey, how you doing out there?

-I've won the prize this year, Larry.

Doris gave me the... -Silver Bowl Award.

-No, it's aluminum, actually.

-The Aluminum Bowl Award.

-Well... -What did you do to win that, by the way?

-I haven't cussed anybody out all week.

-[laughs] And that includes yours truly.

-Uh-huh.

-He's a much more [stutters] humorous man.

-And I got back to my regular weight today, so the doctor will be thrilled.

-There's just nothing left of you anymore.

-No, it's all disappeared.

-There's just not anything at all left of him.

He's just wasting away in Margaritaville.

[scoffs] -[Laban] Well-- Oh, I wish.

-I know, I used to be with him when he was wasting away in Margaritaville.

-[Laban] Yes.

But not anymore.

-Not anymore, yes.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

-That's the way it goes.

[Laban] Well, let's get the witch in here and see what we're doing.

-Get the witch.

Whew!

That was a pretty close... -Here.

-...thing there.

Oh, me.

Let's see what the witch has to say.

"Dear Doris."

Hey, this one's to you, Doris.

Doris is standing off camera over here.

-Where she has to make sure Larry does everything right.

-[laughs] She's watching me constantly.

"Could you get those two twerps you work with "to get back to their original premise "and do a show with recipes that are cheap and easy?

"I'd particularly like something to do for a weeknight "or when the weather is so bad you can't get out.

Thanks, Terry Carden, Moose Jaw, Wisconsin, Wyoming."

-[Laban] Wyoming.

-Wyoming.

[laughs] I can never tell what those are.

Yeah, sure.

Whatever you ask for, that's what you're gonna get.

-[Laban] Yes.

I've got a wonderful salad that I can't eat because it's got too much sugar in it that was sent in by Prentice McGuire of Parts Unknown.

-And I am gonna do something called Hamburger Goulash.

Sounds like something you wear.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-Debbie's Hamburger Goulash sent in by Deborah Smith of-- is that Callands, Virginia?

-[Laban] Callands, uh-huh.

-Where is that?

Callands, Virginia.

-[Laban] Beats me.

-We need to get a weather map out here.

And the very lovely Doris is coming in to do fruit salad, which she is wearing today.

-No, I'm doing the fruit salad, as I just said.

-Which he is wearing today.

-She's doing the broccoli casserole.

-What show is this?

I'm not sure that I even have the right program.

[laughs] No, I'm-- You're gonna do broccoli casserole.

-Casserole.

Mm-hmm.

-Sent in by Bobbie Nixon of Richmond, Virginia.

Good folks down there in Richmond.

Been watching a long time.

Well, let me just say, I'll say what I'm doing and then I don't need to do anything else for a little while.

This Hamburger Goulash looks strange, but it's got to be okay because it's got a lot of good stuff in it.

First thing I've done is taken a couple of pounds of hamburger and I'm browning it right now.

And I started that before the show began because sometimes this stove browns and sometimes it just browns out.

And it doesn't do too much.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

[Larry] So, right now, that is just about where I need it to be.

It's at the brown stage.

Over here in pot number two, we have a whole bunch of elbow [stutters] maraci-- macaroni.

Maraci?

What's wrong with me?

I can't talk today.

Elbow macaroni.

You know, Mr. Macaroni invented the radio.

-[Laban] Yes.

-You're probably aware of that.

The macaroni radio.

So anyway, that is ready.

That has been boiling for about eight to ten minutes, and I'm going to drain it and set it aside in accordance with the instructions.

And now, Mr. Johnson takes over.

-Well, I need to drain these cans of fruit and set it aside.

-Sounds like we're gonna do a lot of drainin' and settin' aside.

-It does, doesn't it?

-Do you need the drainer?

-Yeah, I do.

But Doris is gonna give you a bowl to put your marconi in.

-Alrighty.

Und we shall.

Alright, there you go.

The drain is now ready.

-This fruit salad is one of those salads that comes out of your pantry with a lot of canned stuff.

And it is fairly inexpensive, and it is a great salad for people that don't have any health problems.

So, there goes a can of fruit cocktail and a can of crushed pineapple.

And these are the size cans that are closest to a pound.

That size.

They range from 15 to 16 ounces.

And I found that you have to stir your colander a little bit to completely drain.

[Larry] It's crazy on television today.

-Because the pineapple is really juicy.

And if you don't unplug the holes, the juice has nowhere to go.

-[Larry] Oh, for heaven's sake.

-What's wrong?

-All I had to remember to do one thing at the beginning of the show and that was to chop some onions and cook it in this hamburger.

And I forgot to put the onions in.

-[Laban] Oh.

-Onions have been standing by.

And onions don't do a thing when they're standing by.

So, I'm gonna chop some and I'll cook this hamburger just a little bit longer.

I need to cut that back on and go back to it again.

Big old onion.

Throw that in there.

Also, your herbs and spices go in at this time.

And the herbs and spices are... uh, a bay leaf, salt and pepper to taste, quarter of a teaspoon of oregano.

And that's all for right now.

And the onions, of course.

So I'm gonna do that and stick that in there too and fry it a little bit.

[Laban] Now I'm going for a can of coconut.

[Larry] "I've got a lovely can of coconuts."

-Mm-hmm.

-[Larry] Who was that?

Did that?

-[Laban] Merv Griffin.

[Larry] Merv Griffin, back when he was a youngster.

[Laban] Or, as my mother used to call him, Merv Griffith.

-[Larry laughs] Merv Griffith.

That's funny.

I'm putting oregano and Italian seasoning in this.

A little salt and pepper and a bay leaf or two.

How many bay leaves has this thing got?

One bay leaf.

-Now this is the killer in mine.

Any kind of salad that requires canned fruit, it's obligatory.

You have to have miniature marshmallows, and it's a whole bag of them.

-[Larry] Oh, no.

[chuckles] A lot of marshmallows gave up their life for this show.

[Laban] You know, I had a real interesting conversation some time ago with my barber, Mr. Steve, about marshmallows.

He wanted to know where they grew.

-[laughs] I thought they used to have a marshmallow tree out behind the studio back here.

I definitely remember.

-But let me tell you the funniest thing.

I got out several-- -Was Mr. Steve hitting-- was he hitting the sauce a little?

-Well, not really too bad.

-[Larry] Yeah.

No, he's just naturally goofy.

-But-- Yeah.

But anyway, I looked up the recipe for marshmallows.

And it's real interesting.

-[Larry] What's in them?

-Sugar.

-[Larry] Sugar.

-That's about all.

-[Larry] Sugar.

Well now, what makes it puffy and white?

There's gotta be something in it that makes it puffy.

-Oh, I don't know.

There was some other stuff but not much.

But you had to cook them and then pour it in a pan and then cut them up into the marshmallow size.

I've got a half a jar of maraschino cherries.

And let me dump the rest of this juice out here so that I can put them.

-Now I have a friend, Robert W. Ferguson, who tells me, he swears, that he read somewhere that maraschino cherries will stay in your system for months.

And they're not good for you.

Had you ever heard that?

-[Laban] No.

But you know, surprisingly enough, they only have one gram of sugar in them, which is very low.

-[Larry] Is that so?

-All right, now I've got my can of coconut, my fruit cocktail... -If that's true, if that's true, somewhere in the depths of me, there must be tons of maraschino cherries just hanging out somewhere.

-[Laban] Or just the stems.

-Or just the stems.

[laughs] That's right.

-[Laban] Where you were trying to learn how to-- -Uh-huh.

To tie them with my tongue.

-[Laban] Uh, yeah.

All right.

-Yeah.

All of this smells so good with those Italian seasonings and oregano in there.

Mm.

Or is it basil?

It's oregano.

-[Laban] Oh, I know.

I wish you hadn't put it in my fruit salad.

-It's oregano.

Do what?

-I said, I just wish you hadn't put them in my oregano.

I mean, in my fruit salad.

-[Larry] [sighs] Oh, me.

-All right, now you stir all that.

Now the fresh fruit goes in.

And we go over here to these lovely Fuji apples, which are normally too expensive to use.

However, they were on sale and cheaper than the regular apples.

[Larry] Well, isn't that a lovely presentation.

-[Laban] Oh, yeah.

-[Larry] With what you did with the apple there.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

[Larry] I have bought those things down through the years and they work about two times, and they bend all the pieces, and they don't work anymore.

-[Laban] Well, that's because you're so violent with them.

-[Larry] Oh.

Probably because I buy cheap ones.

Real cheap ones.

-Now this is going to take me about half of the rest of the time.

[Larry] Oh good.

-Just to chop up all these apples.

[Larry] Perhaps we should watch.

Maybe we should have the Cook Sisters come in.

[Laban] There's enough citric acid in this mixture that the apples don't brown out.

[Larry] You wanna have the Cook Sisters come in?

-Yeah, we could do that.

-[Larry] Yeah.

Let's do that while I'm waiting for the hamburger to brown just a wee bit more with all the herbs and spices.

Here they are.

Coming down the hall right now.

[Tootsie] What you drinking, Sis?

-Water, water, water.

-Mm-hmm.

I'll bet.

-Oh, it's real tasty.

It's got a real good flavor to it and not much color in it.

-Mm.

Looks right blue.

It matches the dress too.

-Mm-hmm.

-You know, when you're thin-slicing meat, sometimes it's tough to slice it real thin.

-Oh, it's so hard.

It just squishes around and you can't get hold to it right.

-It's sometimes it's best to freeze it before you slice it.

-Oh well, that's a smart thing.

Then you can cut it real thin.

Oh!

-I'm Tootsie Cook.

-And I'm Sister Cook.

-And we're the Cook Sisters.

-Very good.

I have just drained some mushroom pieces and stems.

You know, pieces and stems are a little bit cheaper than regular mushrooms.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-You can save some money actually by buying them and sometimes even when I have a recipe that calls for regular mushrooms, if I'm real lazy and want the ones that are prepackaged, I'll buy them because they're a little cheaper and once they get into the food, it doesn't matter too much anyway, you can't tell the difference.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

Right.

-So anyway, what are you doing, Johnson?

You still working on 'em apples?

-I'm still-- I'm going to do another apple if you missed it the first time.

[Larry] Okay.

Okay, the next thing I have to do now is drain any grease from the burger.

Well, there actually is none.

I think I've cooked it so long it has nothing left to it anymore whatsoever.

[Laban] Well, it looked to me like you had that high-priced hamburger.

-I did have high-priced hamburger.

I bought some decent stuff.

I'm tired of getting low-down stuff.

Now to this, I have to add tomato paste.

It says a big can.

That just seems like an awful lot of tomato paste to me.

Doesn't it to you, Doris?

It says a big can.

I don't know.

I think a little bit of tomato paste goes a long-- I'm gonna use a big old blob of it.

And then also to that, we have to add some chopped tomatoes.

And that's more than chopped.

I'll tell you, those are crushed.

They're not even chopped.

I couldn't find any chopped.

I had everything but.

And we're also going to add mushroom pieces at this point.

And we're gonna mix all this up on top of the stove before we put it into our cooking plate or device.

I'm gonna put that in there and I'm gonna turn that off.

It doesn't need to cook any more whatsoever.

And I'll be adding the cheese in a minute.

That's correct.

So, thank you, Doris, for reminding me.

[chuckles] She's so nervous I'm going to miss something.

And why shouldn't she be?

I've missed so many things down through the years.

Isn't that right, Johnson?

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-So, make sure you're-- -I'm just sitting here thinking.

-[Larry laughs] I know.

I can just see your mind just moving slowly.

But anyway, put that all in there and mix it around pretty good.

Now, I have some fine sharp cheddar over here, and I'm gonna spend the rest of the program probably mutilating it and doing something with it.

So, I'm gonna take that right now, and that's the last thing that goes in.

Mmm.

Mighty fine.

Mighty fine.

-[Laban] Is it good?

-Besides the macaroni of course.

I almost forgot the macaroni.

Set the macaroni aside.

It's been sitting aside such a long time.

-[Laban] You know, it's a shame that Larry's body and his brain can't go on vacation at the same time.

-[Larry laughs] That's just really pathetic.

I set the things-- You know, I remember that time a couple of years ago, I had a deck party at home.

And the next morning, when I got up and came down, I opened the oven to get something and there was half the food that had been prepared and put in the oven that had never actually been used at all.

Well, it's a sad thing.

How much of this goes in here?

[Doris] One and a half cups cubed.

-One and a half cups cubed?

Is that what it says really?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I have more than one and a half cups and I love cheese so much, so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna save that and put it on top because I think it will look real pretty.

And then I'll just cube the rest of it.

[Laban] And nobody will ever get to see it.

-In accordance with the directions, we will cube the rest of it.

-[Laban] Oh.

-Are those large cubes or small cubes?

Can you tell I haven't seen this recipe before I came into the studio today?

I looked at it the other day and I said, "Well, that's easy enough.

I'll just buy the stuff and do it on camera.

Live."

That's what makes the program so exhilarating.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-The fact that we're willing to take chances, to push the envelope.

[laughs] -[Laban] Let me tell you, you take a chance just coming in here some days.

-Well, I'm not gonna make real big cubes because it only has to cook for two minutes after it goes in the microwave.

Huh?

What?

-[Doris] Probably won't melt.

-Probably won't melt.

Well, thank you for having me cube it.

You're the one that suggested this.

I was gonna do it up real nice so that it would dissolve.

-This is his Picasso casserole.

-[laughs] My cubist casserole.

[Laban] Uh-huh.

All right, now I've put in two apples, and now I'm putting in two bananas.

-[Larry] Two by two.

-Mm-hmm.

All those strings-- -Well, this seems to me like it's a mighty sweet mucky mess that you're doing.

[Laban] What, this-- well, it is.

[Larry] I'll tell you what's a fact.

We'll go over our recipes here in a couple of minutes, but I'm so busy cubing this stuff now.

[Laban] Uh-huh.

Well, I've got to slice these nanners.

[Larry] It's just very difficult to cube and talk at the same time.

-[Laban] Mm.

[Larry] Now this goes in there, right?

We actually put it-- -[Doris] [indistinct] [laughs] -Well, I'll heat it again a little bit.

Looks like we have about 20 to 30 more minutes left.

I think we probably can do that.

I'm gonna heat this stuff just a little more, and see if we can't melt it down a little bit.

And then I'm saving this for on top.

[Laban] Looks kind of cheesy to me.

[Larry] It really does look cheesy, doesn't it.

The whole show is sort of cheesy, if you ask me.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-[Larry] But nobody did so I'll let it go.

I'm going to give my recipe now simply because I'm at the point where I can't do anything else.

Does this go on top of the macaroni?

Help me, Doris.

-[Doris] No.

It needs to go together.

-That goes in there, too?

-[Doris] Mm-hmm.

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

Debbie's Hamburger Goulash.

Two pounds of hamburger, as lean as you can afford.

And that's what I did.

It wasn't really terribly expensive.

Large can of tomato paste.

I don't know what that means.

One and a half cup of cubed sharp cheddar cheese.

A quarter teaspoon of oregano.

Quarter teaspoon of Italian seasoning.

A small can of chopped tomatoes drained.

Optional.

Large onion chopped.

Half a cup of uncooked elbow macaroni.

I've already cooked it because on the air we don't have much time.

Sometimes if it's not cooked when we bring it in here, we're gonna eat it raw.

So, I went on ahead and cooked it, but you can use uncooked because of the way it's a good while on the stove.

Medium can of mushroom pieces, bay leaf, salt and pepper to taste.

Yeah, I've noticed you've gotten a bigger bowl now.

-[Doris] You'll need it.

-[Larry] I believe so too.

[Laban] And on the Fruit Salad from Prentice McGuire, you need a can of crushed pineapple, a can of fruit cocktail, a small can of canned coconut, a package of miniature marshmallows, a half a jar of maraschino cherries, and if you look, you'll find that they have 'em chopped now.

And two to three large apples and two bananas.

And you also need some mayonnaise.

[Larry] Let's get Doris in here so she can talk about hers and tell us what's in hers while I'm melting these enormous cubes that she has forced me to do here on the air.

We'll be eating those whole here in a couple of minutes.

Excuse me, Doris.

I have to get the Doris phone.

The Doris microphone.

Howdy.

-[Doris] Hi.

Okay.

-Go ahead.

-I had to make a broccoli casserole, so this is a pretty nice dinner really when you have the meat, your vegetable, and your dessert here.

You came up pretty good this time.

[laughs] With mine, you took two packages of frozen chopped broccoli thawed, a third a cup of onion chopped fine, one egg beaten, two-third cup mayonnaise, one cup sharp cheddar cheese, one can cream of celery soup undiluted, two rounds of cracker crumbs crushed fine, and one and a half sticks butter melted.

And now you mix-- you mix all the vegetables and stuff together and then take the cracker crumbs, put it on the top of it, and then drizzle the one and a half sticks of butter on it.

And that is what it looks like.

-Ooh, that is beautiful.

-[Doris] It looks like it's-- it'll be pretty good.

I made it earlier, and when I got it out of this stove, of course it was, it had a crunchy top on it because that was a couple of hours ago, and it might not even be warm now.

But I think it will be pretty good.

So-- -It looks beautiful.

It really does.

Thank you, Doris.

-It's an awful lot of butter.

[laughs] -[Laban] Smartly done.

-Well, it is.

You got some more stuff to go in yours over there?

-Yeah, I've got about three quarters of a cup of mayonnaise, and you put that in with it and stir it all together, and then it has to cure overnight or for at least half a day.

So, if you're gonna serve this at dinnertime, you need to make it right after breakfast.

-Okay, I have to add my macaroni, which I almost forgot, which has now turned into a gigantic glob.

Just a huge lump of macaroni.

There it is.

Isn't that attractive?

Well, we'll beat it down in there.

And you've got to mix all this together, and we're going to put it in a casserole dish, and we're gonna nuke it for two minutes.

And so that's the next thing I have to do, and believe it or not, the cheese isn't melting.

[laughs] But it will when we nuke it.

[Laban] Well, it's-- sharp cheese is a hard cheese and doesn't melt as well as the softer cheeses.

[Larry] Yeah.

Okay.

I'm gonna take this now and put it in a casserole dish.

Good heavens, it makes enough for Coxey's Army.

Look at that.

I believe we could feed hundreds of people.

[Laban] Well, if they know it's back here, there will be that many up here.

[Larry] And of course, because I was very clever, I purposely came up with a little cheese for on top.

[laughs] Well, I think it's a nice touch, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm gonna put it in the microwave oven for two minutes.

Go ahead, Laban.

-Well, this salad, it's good to start out in a big bowl.

This is the hint from Laban and Larry's test kitchen.

Start out in a big bowl, but it will compress as you stir it, and the marshmallows kind of melt a little bit into a much more tractable thing.

And that's what it looks like.

And let me get the real one out the refrigerator.

-Caught me back here messing around with the sink.

-Oh.

Here we go.

And this is what it looks like when it's marinated-- -Well, Laban, it looks pretty much like the other one.

[laughs] -It does.

Virtually identical.

So, that's what the fruit salad looks like.

-Well, that is real pretty.

There's no two ways about it.

Have we done everything now that we're supposed to do?

-[Laban] I think we-- I believe so.

-Perhaps we should wash the dishes.

We've never done that on the air before.

[Laban] Oh.

And we haven't done it off air either.

And we're not going to start.

-And we're not about to start after all these years.

We're no fools.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-Well, I'm counting down the final minute and five seconds of my recipe.

-[Laban] Oh.

-I am.

I can't really do anything.

-You know, you said something a while ago that I agree with.

I don't cook in my microwave.

I reheat a lot of stuff or heat, you know, a frozen TV dinner.

Yes, I have been known to eat one that wasn't too bad for you.

And, you know, there are people that go to a lot of trouble to cook in them.

They could, you know, like baking a cake which won't brown.

-[Larry] Yeah.

And sometimes, the preparation time to do it that way is almost as much as-- -As long as it is to stick it in the oven.

-Besides, once you get by the prep time, what's it matter if you have to wait a half hour or an hour or for it to cook in the oven anyway?

-[Laban] Well, yeah.

-What's the matter?

Go in and prop your feet up.

Watch Cookin' Cheap .

Do something worthwhile.

-[Laban] Yes, at least.

-Doris said she doesn't cook in hers very often either, do you?

[Doris] Just heat up your cat food.

[laughs] -[Laban] Heat up cat food.

-She heats up cat food.

-[Laban] Oh.

-[laughs] -[Laban] But do you have a cat?

-[Doris] Three cats.

-[Larry] Three cats?

-Oh, you have three.

And she's got how many dogs?

Three?

-[Larry] Five or six.

-Doris won't be with us next time.

[Larry] Oh, don't say that.

I'm sorry to hear that.

-Doris-- no, she won't.

She won't be here.

-[Larry] Oh, oh.

-She and Harold are going to go to Paris, France, Europe.

-[Larry] Are you kidding?

-No, they're leaving tomorrow.

[Larry] Well, nobody said anything to me about it.

Nobody invited me.

No one asked me to come to the airport and kiss them goodbye.

-And don't forget.

-And look at this.

Isn't this pretty?

That's two minutes nuked at full speed, 100 percent.

And there it is.

I happen to think that all that cheese on top makes it look right lovely.

[Laban] I want to know something.

-[Larry] Yeah.

-All right, now she and Harold are leaving tomorrow to go to Paris.

-[Larry] Mm-hmm.

-Andre, you know, who usually runs this camera right up here.

-[Larry] Yeah.

-And his momma are in Germany.

-[Larry] Mm-hmm.

-This is Andre right up here.

-[Larry laughs] -And so, they're in Germany.

How is it that all these staff people around here can travel to the foreign fields and leave us here to suffer at home?

[Larry] Sounds to me like people are making too much money.

-Could be.

[Larry] Okay, let's head over to the table.

-Let me see if I can get around without falling over.

-Mabel.

This turned out beautiful, but I tell ya, it really is enough to feed 500 people.

Five hundred hungry people, I might add.

Let me give you some of this.

I know how much you like cheese, so you'll have to like this dish.

Even if you hated it, you'd have to like it.

[Laban] Oh, that's-- There you go.

[Larry] Well, that little crumbly thing that Doris did certainly looks lovely.

Smells great, too, I might add.

Well, this is sort of stringy, but all the stuff did melt.

I'm happy to say.

[laughs] Thank you for giving me that.

And Doris is right.

We really actually do have a real nice little ensemble dish here.

-[Laban] Real lovely.

-A little bit of everything.

We've got a vegetable and the meat and pasta and then we've got Laban's deadly dessert.

So-- -I'll try this casserole first.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yours.

Your-- -Hamburger Goulash.

-Mm-hmm.

-Pretty good.

-Yeah, it's not bad.

-Got a nice little light Italian flavor to it.

I think that perhaps this could have used just maybe a wee bit, a little more herbs and spices.

I probably increased it.

-[Laban] Oh.

[Larry] Oh, Doris.

You have just come up with the topper of the day.

That is a wonderful recipe.

I love this.

Mm.

Isn't that light and beautiful?

-Mm-hmm.

-Of course, it's also got six million calories because of all that butter in there.

-Mm-hmm.

-Well, I have to try Mr. Laban's thang here.

Oh, it's too bad that we couldn't have more sugar.

Mm.

-I mean, I will test my blood-- -It is good.

[Laban] --when I get home and see how high my sugar is from one spoonful.

-But it's really good.

Mm.

-It's amazing.

-How could it not be?

-They're all three delicious.

-Bye.

[♪♪♪] [music fades out]