[♪♪♪] -Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and all the ships at sea.

Welcome to Cookin' Cheap .

I'm Larry.

-I'm Laban, and you look like the jolly little giant today with that green elf costume you got on.

-I look like a big pea.

[laughs] But anyway.

And isn't it funny?

Have you noticed the little monitor off--?

Look at that.

Look at that shirt.

What color is that shirt on that monitor?

-[Laban] It looks blue to me.

-[Larry laughs] [Laban] But his shirt is, in reality, folks, is green.

-Don't adjust your sets.

-[Laban] It's a pure green.

-But you are allowed to come down and adjust our sets if you want to.

[Laban] You know what that reminds me of?

-What?

-When we would make tempera paint back in elementary school and stir in too much water and it was kind of thinned out.

-[Larry] Mm-hmm.

-Yeah, that's exactly... -You making fun of my shirt?

-Uh, not exactly.

-Do you not like my shirt?

-No, actually I do.

It's a lovely shade of green.

-Well, it was real green ten years ago.

-Oh.

-[Larry laughs] -Well, let's get the witch in here and see what's going on.

-It sort of washed out a little bit.

The witch.

The witch.

Oh, there she is.

She flew right into your hands.

-She bit me.

-[laughs] Don't be smacking the witch around.

We'll have all these witch people writing in because of this.

-Oh, I know.

-Ah, this is not a good witch day.

[laughs] We can't get rid of her.

Okay.

-All right.

[reading] "Dear boys, my husband Edsel "drinks too much.

He loves spaghetti.

"And all that pasta and beer have made him as fat as a pig.

"No, a hog.

"Anyway, can you come up with some spaghetti recipes that won't further fatten him up?"

And it's signed Ramona Ford of Piggy Piggy, Arkansas.

-[laughs] Piggy Piggy.

We haven't gotten-- -Ramona, you're out of luck today.

Because, uh... -There's nothing sensible about either of these recipes.

-No, my recipe is instant heart attack.

It is not cheap.

It's expensive.

And it's really bad for you.

-Well, maybe we ought to rename the show "Cooking Expensive and Really Bad."

[Laban] Perhaps we should.

This thing is a mess.

-Of course, we've been cooking really bad for 18 years.

-[Laban] Oh!

-I'm waiting for water to boil.

And so, while I'm waiting for that, I have just a little bit of canola.

You remember Jerry Canola, don't you?

-Oh, yeah.

No, it's Judy Canola.

-Judy Canola, that's it.

And I'm gonna chop up four big old things of celery and a big old green... -[crew] What are you making?

-Oh, I'm making spaghetti.

Don's Spicy Spaghetti with Chunky Vegetable Sauce.

And I'm always a little suspicious about a spaghetti that starts out with canned spaghetti sauce.

[Laban] Right.

Well-- -'Cause I don't normally use canned spaghetti sauce.

-And I'm doing, this is called Fettuccine Primavera, and it was sent in by Helen Vail of Glenside, Pennsylvania.

-Some of Jerry Vail's people.

-Oh.

But it really has got a lot of stuff that, if you're in my shape, is not good for you.

-This was sent in by Donald Miller Jr. of Wenonah, New Jersey.

-[Laban] Wenonah?

Is that like Judd?

-Mm-hmm.

New Jersey.

-Well, Larry and I were just talking.

Here I've got a pepper that has a label on it that says "pepper."

And I swear it's because the young people today, [in Sister's voice] the young people today [normal voice] just don't know one vegetable from another.

Can't tell a fruit in a snowstorm.

[Larry] Startin' to sound more like an old windbag all the time.

-Well, you know, it bothers me when they have to put a label on stuff like a pepper so that the ignits at the checkout counter will know what it is.

-Well, our brand-new fancified grocery store, which will go unnamed, down the street from me, sells so many exotic things now that one day they brought something up to the cash register and had to close the cash register down because no one in the store knew what it was, what to call it, what price it was, or anything.

That's what they get for having all this fancy stuff in the store.

Of course, you know, we used to complain here in the South that you couldn't get anything in our stores.

-[Laban] And you couldn't.

-And now we can.

We have arrived.

-[Laban] Let me say this...

I've done some substituting in this, for price sake.

[Larry] Oh-oh.

-The recipe calls for two red peppers.

And, Larry, these two red peppers, now, at the time we're taping this show, which is in January, I think, has cost $3.59 for these two little red peppers.

This is not a good time of the year.

And it also calls for a pound of asparagus.

And I said, "Mm-mm," because asparagus yesterday was $4 a pound, and I just couldn't see spending that kind of money so I substituted a pound of zucchini for it.

And if Helen doesn't like it, tough.

We are supposed to be cheap.

Don't send us these expensive recipes.

-Well, I am right now sautéing four ribs of celery in there, and I've chopped up a small onion, and the next thing I'm gonna do now is chop up a green bell pepper.

And in a couple of seconds, I'll show you what we do.

This is an unusual recipe because of what you do to the water before you put the spaghetti in it.

I've never seen one where you start with the water doing something unusual.

So, I'll be doing something unusual with the water momentarily.

-[Laban] Well, good.

-But right now, I've just got to go at it with this.

We have a lot of things on today's show.

We even have a visit by the Cook Sisters later on, I'm told.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

[Larry] So anyway, we'll see about that.

It doesn't call for sautéing any of this in the recipe, but because this is television and we only have a few minutes... in fact, I think they just gave us the three-minute sign.

Are you ready for that?

-[Laban] Oh, yeah.

-But because it's television and we have to get things done in a little more of a hurry today, I do not have the luxury of cooking this in the sauce on top of the stove until it's done.

So, I'm gonna sauté it first and then I'll put the sauce in.

Because after all, it is a ready-made sauce and all we have to do is heat the sauce part of it up.

So, I'll continue.

Oh, I think I better go ahead and do the water part.

-[Laban] Yeah.

It's boiling.

-It's boiling.

This is before you put your spaghetti in here to boil.

You have to put a little bit of salt, a little canola oil.

I did that just before we went on the air.

And then you put your spaghetti in, and you pour a bunch of other junk on top of that.

So, here we go.

We're gonna put spaghetti in.

And the man is very specific to use nine-inch spaghetti.

Nine-inch spaghetti.

So, I don't-- guess for those of you who like to break it in half, don't do that.

This man would be very upset if you broke his spaghetti in half.

Have you ever been around people that just have a real phobia about long spaghetti, and they have to chop it all up and go at it?

-Yeah.

Well, Helen's, when she sent in this recipe, called for 12 ounces-- well, you can't buy 12 ounces-- of nine-inch-long spaghetti.

I'm telling you, kind of-- you know, I just thought of something.

I've been meaning to tell all of you.

-What did you just think about?

-Well, recently I was somewhere, I can't even remember where I was, and I ran into one of the Silver Belles.

-The ones who used to play our theme song.

-Yeah.

The old ladies that used to play on our show.

And one is in, well, she's not sensible anymore and is in a home.

-Well, Laban, do we have to talk about this on here?

-And the other one is in West Virginia, living.

And that's the one I saw.

She'd come over to the big city.

-Well, I'm glad you didn't see the goofy one.

Okay.

Now, what you have to add to this water is the following.

This is the strangest thing.

A teaspoon of ground cloves.

[Laban] Whoo!

Where's the teaspoon?

-[Laban] Well, I've always said anything that's good is better with cloves in it, but I don't know about that.

-That's close enough.

Ground cloves.

Have you ever in your life?

Well, those aren't ground cloves.

Those are whole cloves.

I don't care.

I'm gonna put them in there.

I don't have any other.

[Laban] Oh!

If I get a mouthful of whole cloves-- [Larry] You will, and you'll like it.

A teaspoon of ground allspice.

Well, I did get that right.

A teaspoon of paprika.

You better hope I get this right.

And then, of course, you got the canola oil and all that in there.

This will be a lot of fun using that whole spice like that whole... [chuckles] Oh, okay.

And you stir that up.

Now you're going to boil the spaghetti in there in accordance with the instructions on the label.

Which I've thrown out because any fool knows you just do it for 10 or 12 minutes and when it's al dente, you take it out.

So, we're gonna let that go for a little bit.

And I'm still sauteing this stuff.

Starting to smell right good, isn't it?

And because-- -[Laban] I can't smell a thing.

-I've had to make another substitution today, because it calls specifically for Old-World style mushroom ragu.

Which they had everything in the world, different variety of it, but they didn't have any with mushrooms.

So, I have brought some mushrooms along to add to it in a couple minutes.

So, we'll stay true to that.

And I think I'm gonna go ahead and put that in there, as a matter of fact.

-Well, ladies and gentlemen, you just don't have any idea what a problem it is for us to run down some of these ingredients that you-- [Larry] We can't find some of the stuff.

[Laban] We can't find it here in the South.

And there are big regional differences with all this stuff.

But fortunately, we have pretty good senses of humor and just go on and do the best we can.

-Now you'll have to pick these cloves out of the spaghetti when we serve it.

I can't help it.

I didn't see that it called for that.

-[Laban] Well, do we have any toothpicks?

-I'm gonna put some mushrooms in there, already pre-done mushrooms, because I didn't want to have to chop those all day long.

Now the interesting thing is, even though you're already using a predisposed sauce, you have to add stuff to the sauce.

And what you have to add to the sauce is a tablespoon of Cajun spice seasoning, which was also very difficult to find.

That looks like an awful lot to me but that's what it calls for.

Minced onion is in there.

Parsley flakes.

Tablespoon, or is that a teaspoon?

Teaspoon.

Parsley flakes.

That's pretty close.

Medium bell pepper.

That's in there.

Got that in there.

Four stalks of celery.

That's all in there.

Now, have I got everything?

[Laban] Well, I don't know.

[Larry] Technically, everything has been used.

-[Laban] I hope you do.

-[Larry] Okay.

So now, you just cook this until it gets warm, and as soon as the spaghetti is right, what you do is throw this stuff in a colander.

But you don't want to rinse it because you don't want all these precious things that are on it coming off of it.

Except perhaps those old cloves which Mr. Johnson's going to choke on later on.

And that's my recipe.

I'm out of here.

-[Laban] Oh, good.

-Well, what do you got?

-Well, I'm now, I'm gonna make the sauce for this bad boy.

And I'm beating up an egg.

[Larry] Could you have gotten a smaller bowl?

-Well, I don't-- that's all I need it for.

-Such a tiny little bowl.

-Just to beat up an egg.

[Larry] You're just so delicate with it.

[laughs] -Well, I try to be as, you know, careful and as delicate as I can.

-[Larry] Oh, man.

[Laban] All things being equal.

[Larry] So, I have turned this down a little.

I don't want to scorch this stuff.

-Well, according to this recipe from Helen up in Pennsylvania, you heat the cream.

And this is where it starts gettin' bad on you.

Not good for you.

Here is a cup of heavy cream.

-Oh, I can hear those arteries slamming, even as we speak.

-Mm-hmm.

Just wham!

If I can get it open.

I hated these things when I was a kid in school, and I still do.

[Larry] I have never, ever heard of spaghetti that you boil with stuff in the water.

-Well, I have to do it too.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

No.

-Right unusual.

-But I mean it's, you can-- it's all right with me.

All right.

You gotta have two tablespoons of butter.

-Smells good.

Smells good.

-So, I'm using margarine.

At least I got that much done.

And a cup of Parmesan cheese, and it's in one of these... oh, new bags that you can't get into, you know, that you have to tear because it's resealable.

-Here, take a knife to it.

Want to take a knife to it?

-Yeah.

Now, don't cut me.

-It's real sharp, that knife.

Did Harold sharpen these knives before we came on today?

Wooh!

Harold does a great job.

[Laban] Put your Parmesan down in there.

[sighs] And your egg.

-[Larry] What?

Doris keeps whispering things to me.

-I know.

-But she won't say it loud enough... -She reminds me of that parakeet I had -...that I can hear what she's saying.

I left my bell tone at home.

I can't understand a thing the woman says.

[Laban] All right, and this calls for a little bit of cayenne red pepper.

-Ooh.

Both of us have similar, uh, things.

Except you have cheese in yours and I don't.

-[Laban] Yeah.

-But that looks real good.

[Laban] And it's supposed to have some salt in it, but Doris forgot it and left it at home.

[Larry] [laughs] Yeah.

Let's blame this on Doris.

-She did.

She did!

-Poor Doris.

-Because, you know, all we have is that box of salt that is ossified up there.

-Hm.

I'm gonna give my recipe.

-All right.

-Looks like you've hit a dull stretch.

The whole doggone show has been a dull stretch thus far.

The spaghetti, one 16-ounce box of thin spaghetti, two tablespoons of salt, teaspoon of ground cloves.

Ground cloves, ladies and gentlemen, very important you understand that.

I had ground cloves at home.

Why did I bring whole ones?

Teaspoon of ground allspice, teaspoon of paprika, and a quarter cup of canola oil.

And then on it goes, 14 ounces of Old-World style mushroom sauce, if you can find it.

Tablespoon of Cajun spice seasoning, a teaspoon of minced onion, a teaspoon of parsley flakes, a medium green bell pepper, cleaned, and four stalks of celery.

We're cooking that in the sauce right now.

Johnson?

-Well, all right.

And the Spaghetti Primavera from Helen Vail calls for 12 ounces of fettuccine, one pound of asparagus, I'm substituting zucchini, two red peppers, two carrots, a cup of frozen peas, one cup of cream, one cup of grated Parmesan cheese, two tablespoons of butter, one egg beaten, and a half teaspoon cayenne pepper and salt.

[Larry] Mmm.

Boy, that spaghetti sure is raw.

Mmm.

[Laban] Well, the sauce is beginning to-- -Well, I hate to tell you this, but I don't think this spaghetti tastes any different than spaghetti that's been floating around in plain old salt.

-Well, I know it.

-What's the deal?

-Well, should we bring in the Cook Sisters or Doris?

-No, no, let's bring in Doris.

One's about as old as the other.

[Larry chuckles] -Now, I'm putting all of my vegetables in the pot now with-- -Come out here, Doris.

Now, be careful you don't get too close to my sauce.

I don't want to put your eye out.

Well, you better set all that right there.

Yeah.

Well, I have to have Doris working to my left today.

This is throwing me totally off.

Well, look at all this stuff.

This is beautiful.

-Uh-- I had to make beer bread, and it was very, very complicated.

-[Laban laughs] -I needed two cups of self-rising flour, one tablespoon of sugar, and one can of beer.

And that was it.

And you put it in a small pan.

Now I try-- I baked it like one at a time in a little, uh, dish-- uh, what do you call it, a flower pot.

-[Larry] Mm-hmm.

-[Doris] And uh-- you can-- if you want to be fancy and you have a nice-- -[Larry] Oh, look at that.

-[Doris] Little roll like that.

And you can serve it on this.

This one has caraway seeds in it.

They said you could put caraway seeds or poppy.

Well, I didn't think you ought to put poppy seeds in the bread.

-[Larry] Poppy.

-[Doris] I didn't know how that would taste.

So, I just put it on top.

And this is a plain one.

And Harold and I tried it the other day, and much to our surprise, it was very good.

So it's hard to cut.

But, um, it has sort of a tangy taste.

But it does turn out to be bread.

'Course I should have bought my own knife.

-[Larry] Let me try.

-[Doris] And I've got butter for you over there.

But, um-- -It's definitely got a beer taste to it.

-Yeah.

It has a-- a tangy taste.

And that we have-- -I think she put too much tang in it.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-Well, it's a 12-ounce can.

That's what's in it.

And that's it.

And you bake it.

You put it on this nice little dish.

[laughs] -It really-- look at that.

It's a beautiful bread.

-And you bake it for an hour at 350.

-You gotta show the dishes off.

-Yes, I do.

[laughs] -Show the dishes off.

Well, that's real nice.

-But, um... it's better hot, too.

But I had to bake it earlier.

But I, um-- -What bread isn't?

-Really.

But we toasted it, we whatever.

So, I'll put it over there and you all can have some.

-[Laban] Okay.

Great.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Doris Ford, the hardest working woman in show business.

-[Laban] Let's hear it for Doris.

-That's right.

[laughs] -[crew claps, whistles] -She brings her own cheering thing.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-It is good bread.

-Well, now I've gotta wait for the spaghetti to-- to boil again.

-Well, this stuff is slowly cooking.

And this ought to be pretty close to being done here very shortly.

-[Laban] My sauce is finished.

-I'm just gonna scoop this out and hope that those things won't come out with them.

-[Laban] Oh, no.

-Well, we're getting mighty close on that.

We have the Cook Sisters today.

-Yeah, bring them on in here.

-First they've joined us in a while.

And because, you know, they demand on-- they demand getting union scale allowance.

-Uh-huh.

-So, here they are right now.

-Oh, Sis, this is such a wonderful kitchen.

-Well, Tootsie, I think it's real nice, too.

It's yours, isn't it?

-Uh-huh, but I forgot.

[Sister laughs] -I thought I recognized it, but, you know-- oh, I have a tip for you.

-Oh.

Okay.

-You know I'm always trying to be helpful.

-Did you bring it in on a narrow?

-Mm-hmm.

Stop.

Anyway, you know, I can-- you can save time when you're making a meatloaf by taking an ice cream scoop and forming it.

-Meatloaf?

-Yeah.

-Meatloaf.

-Uh-huh.

-It's meatballs.

-Oh, it's meatballs.

Well, you know, my eyes are just terrible.

-When your brain starts to go, it's just terrible.

-[Tootsie laughs] [laughs] But you know, you can do the same thing with hamburgers, too.

-Oh.

Uh-huh.

-You take a scoop and...

I'm, uh... -Mash it flat.

-...Tootsie Cook and-- -I'm Sister Cook.

-And we're the Cook Sisters.

-We think.

-[laughs] What a mess.

Get yourself a colander.

Put it in the sink.

And now you have to drain this stuff.

This is al dente, we hope.

And drain it all out.

But you don't want to wash it off because you don't want to wash off all those precious, wonderful things except I am gonna take all of the, uh, cloves.

[laughs] I got them, Laban.

Aren't you proud of me?

-I am happy that I will not break a tooth later on today.

-[laughs] Well, it makes a sort of a brown-looking spaghetti.

Have you ever in your life seen anything quite like it?

-Uh-huh.

Brown spaghetti.

-Brown spaghetti.

-Yeeeh.

-And we'll just let that drain for a couple of minutes.

But don't wash it.

-Oh.

I can smell the cloves now.

-Can't you though?

That's because I dumped them all in there.

-Mm-hmm.

-But it looks real brown and evil-looking.

But it supposedly is real good.

I think I'll just pick some out and put it on our plates.

What do you think about that?

-I think you'll use all of it because I've got to use the strainer, too.

[laughs] -Oh, no.

Well, that's not a problem.

I've got-- I've got... -All right.

-...something to go on here.

It's all right.

We're having to work on a budget.

There you go.

The strainer has been cleared for your edification.

-The food cost-- the food cost so much this time that we don't have money for the things that we really need.

-I'm just gonna put little individual... See, there are no cloves.

There's one right there, but I've got it under control, ladies and gentlemen.

No one is going to choke on a clove today.

But you can smell it.

It's real good.

There's another one.

-[Laban] Whoo!

-It's real pretty.

And what you do is you put your sauce on top of that and serve it.

I'm doing it individually so as to cut down on the mess today.

And just serve that right on top with all of those mushrooms and all of those fresh vegetables in there.

Real nice.

So, I would make my sauce from scratch.

Making a sauce from scratch requires nothing.

No brains.

Just tomatoes and a little imagination.

[Laban] Now, I'm pouring my sauce from scratch on.

[Larry] So, there we are.

That's pretty.

[Laban] And then, I've got to toss this.

Boy, I'm glad I don't have to clean this pan today.

[laughs] -[laughs] And a mighty pretty one it is, too.

You know, that thing holds about 16 gallons.

That's a huge bowl.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-Well, that's a beautiful sauce.

-[Laban] Yes, it is.

Gorgeous.

Now stir it.

-[Larry] I just wish I had a picture of it.

-[Laban] Toss it around.

[Larry] And he's tossing it around.

Perhaps if you had two little things, it would be better to toss-- all the better to toss with.

[Laban] And our poor friend over here that's got to wash the dish is saying, oh, no, not another spoon.

-[laughs] That is the biggest mess I've ever seen.

That is a beautiful dish, though.

I will tell-- and I mean what you've prepared.

The dish itself is lovely, but isn't that just gorgeous?

All those different colors and everything?

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-Ooh-wee.

And it all looks so blue.

-[Laban] And it is.

[laughs] Well-- -Must be that camera.

All righty.

Time to head off.

-Some fool left the chair.

-This is gorgeous.

We've got, uh, fresh bread from Doris, or relatively so, and beautiful, uh, spaghetti.

Two different ones.

I'm gonna kind of-- oh, Laban.

-[Laban] What?

Oh, it made a mess.

-[Larry] Oh, for heaven's sake.

[Laban] Well.

I don't have any tongs on here.

[Larry] I know.

I should have brought mine over.

That's-- that's, uh, just-- just the greatest- -[Laban] Is that enough?

-That's the greatest of plenty.

Thanks an awful lot, Mr. Johnson.

I really appreciate it.

Okay.

-[Laban] Oh, man.

[Larry] You didn't bring a little Parmesan cheese with you.

-Yeah, it's in the sauce.

-Oh.

[laughs] Oh, okay.

-Oh.

My aching back.

-Well, my napkin has so much stuff on it that I have to set it aside.

-Now, I'll tell you, this recipe that Doris did with the, uh, beer bread is one of-- one of the ones that we get constantly.

We did it years ago.

But it's so easy and so good.

-Mm-hmm.

I make it on occasion.

-Mm.

-Well, your noodles, your spaghetti, and why not, it's all horrible things you shouldn't have, but it's fabulous.

Mm-mm-mm.

[Laban] The bread is good.

-Okay, Johnson, try mine.

-[Laban] All right.

-Give it a twirl.

[laughs] And you'll notice that neither of us chopped our spaghetti up so we wouldn't offend anybody.

Well, what do you think?

-You know, it's really tangy, tasty, and not bad.

I like it.

-Do you think that pre-doing all that spaghetti gives it a little different flavor?

I imagine it does, doesn't it?

-Probably does.

-I don't know.

-Let's see how this...

I'm just gonna eat... -Well, it is pretty good.

-...one forkful of this stuff I did.

-Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Until the cameras go off.

[laughs] You ought to see him when they get-- when they do this.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Well, I think it's pretty good.

-Oh, it is.

-Can I have a little of that?

Is that margarine or butter?

-[crew] Butter.

-Ah!

-Oh, my heavens.

Turn the cameras off.

If his doctor's watching, we're... finished.

-And you know, before I forget it, you know that pound cake we did recently?

-Yes.

-Well, I took it home and baked the one that we did on the air and shortened the cooking time some, and it was picture-perfect.

-Uh-huh.

-It could not have been more beautiful.

The only thing was, you could drop a slice of it on the table and it would bounce about six inches, it was so rubbery.

-[laughs] Oh, you caught me.

That's a good one.

Well, they've determined now that butter isn't any worse for you than margarine, and margarine isn't any worse for you than butter.

-Yeah.

-And neither one of them is very good, so eat up.

Have a good time.

Bye.

Mm.

Wonderful.

Mm-mm-mm.

[♪♪♪] [music fades out]