[♪♪♪] -Oh, don't even come in here today!

We're too busy.

[laughs] -I was just cleanin' out this refrigerator.

It's the biggest mess I've ever seen in my life.

There's stuff in there from four seasons ago.

-Oh.

I hate to admit it.

-In fact, The Four Seasons are in there.

I heard 'em singin' a few minutes ago.

-[Laban laughs] -But anyway-- -Hi, everybody.

We're so glad to see you today.

I'm Laban Johnson.

-I'm Larry Bly.

And this is Cookin' Cheap .

-But it's strange today.

We got new people on-- some new people on the crew 'cause some of 'em took the day off and all that.

George Warner is here, who started out with me cookin' on TV years ago.

-George has been around longer than television.

-[Laban laughs] -It's incredible.

He's on my camera.

That's how I'm always just right in camera range.

You notice that?

Nothing you can do is gonna fool George.

He's an old pro.

[laughter] Oh, aren't we terrible?

We really are.

Well, you sure are cookin' up a lot of stuff.

What are you makin'?

-I'm fryin' up a lot of bacon.

What I'm makin' some-- -What are you makin'?

Makin' bacon?

-Oh, this is... Kevin Hopson of Blacksburg, Virginia sent in this recipe for his favorite kind of slaw.

[Larry] Well, it looks like it's all bacon.

[Laban] It's called Cabbage and Bacon Slaw.

-Now if you watch this thing, you'll see it move.

It's real interesting.

-I know, it's just jumpin'.

-It's [laughs] movin' around.

See it move?

-And we're fryin' it on our fine griddle that was given to us.

-[Larry] Right on our girdle.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-I'm gonna make-- there it goes.

I'm goin' to make a real fine, real simple, real quick, and I hope real good-- I haven't tried this yet-- chicken barbecue, or as they say up where I come from, barbracue.

-Barbracue.

-Barbracue.

-Uh-huh.

And it looks real... interesting.

Mm-hmm.

-Well, it is gonna be and now what are you, puttin' off my recipe and you don't even-- I want you all to see this, ladies and gentlemen, this is incredible.

A little nice, a little-- look at this.

Now how does he do it?

-This lovely?

I don't know.

How do I do it?

I-- -[laughs] -This belonged to my grandmother, Connie Hodgess Bond, who was a considerable shorter version of me.

-I was gonna say, did she shrink, or did you get bigger?

-No, no.

This-- and she used to pin this up on her house dress-- -Uh-huh.

[Laban] --when she was cookin' in, and I found it.

It was in a trunk that Mama had put up, and I thought well, Lord, Grandmama, up there in heaven, I hope you're gettin' as big a kick out of it as we are.

-And I know she's watchin' 'cause we got a letter from her last week.

[laughter] -Uh-huh.

-That was a little joke there.

We didn't really get a letter from her.

Well, you're gettin' this bacon done real crispy.

-Yeah, it's got to be crispy.

-And it is.

This is real funny.

Neither one of us have used this griddle one time this entire season.

Both of us come in here today, we both had intentions of usin' it.

Of course, you know [snorts] who ends up usin' it.

-Well, that's all right.

-That's the way it goes, because that's the way it goes.

-Well, I'm-- -Well, you're on, Johnson.

Tell 'em what you're doin'.

-Oh, all right.

Well, I'm gonna finish fryin' up this bacon.

And-- what's wrong?

You scared?

-Sort of floppin' it around, aren't you?

-Well, yeah, but I mean, that's the way you do.

Anyway, I'm goin' to fry that up, and now I'm-- I've got a small head of cabbage that I'm goin' to cut in half, in two, and shred it and that should give me about three cups, Kevin says, of shredded cabbage and... Doris Ford, if I ever get my hands on her again-- -She's not comin' back.

-Doris, you're dead meat.

-She's not comin' back.

-She's left us two weeks in a row, and she's got the good knives and I can't cut cabbage with this knife worth a hoot.

-A lot of people out there sayin' you can't cut it, and I've always thought so myself, but I didn't want to throw it up in his face.

- Well anyway, I'm goin' to start shreddin' this cabbage and throwin' it into this big bowl and Larry, you can tell 'em what you're doin'.

-Well, the first thing I got to do is, you know, the beginning of the show is always a little wobbly.

It takes us a while to get goin'.

I have to chop up some green peppers and some onions, and I've gotta heat up here on-- well, look at this.

You have everything on here.

It's just got stuff all over it.

I can't get anything started here.

And I've got some margarine in this pan, and I'm gonna heat it up.

I hope.

Yeah, I am.

I'm gonna heat that up a little bit, just enough that we can fry some stuff in it.

So what I'm gonna do right now is I'm gonna chop some celery, and we're gonna chop some green pepper, and we're gonna chop some onion.

About two tablespoons each would be just the greatest a'plenty.

Just chop it up pretty good.

Now, you don't want it real, real big this time because we're gonna mix this in with our barbecue.

I don't believe I've ever had barbecue with green peppers in it.

Maybe I have.

I don't know.

[Laban] Well, you know, it takes all kinds.

[Larry] Well, it does.

I'm not sure that-- well, we'll just see.

We'll see how it works out.

That ought to be about enough.

That's about a half a pepper.

I'm gonna put a little bit more than it calls for because this recipe calls for right out of the can chunky, white, chunk chicken.

-Chunky chicken.

-Chunky chicken.

But I tell you what I was doin'.

I was workin' on something in my kitchen yesterday and I went on ahead and just boiled me off a couple of chicken breasts and I brought those in today and I'm just goin' to chop up some fresh chicken that I did myself.

-Some breasts.

-Mm-hmm.

Okay, so that's all I'm gonna do right now.

Just chop and throw.

I'm gonna throw this in there and just start gettin' this stuff goin'.

Oh, um, there's one that I totally forgot to chop.

How embarrassing.

-Well, I'm just tryin' to get this bacon real crispy.

As crispy as I can get it.

-Do you need this for any reason?

-What?

-This half a-- -Oh, I could use it because I need a half a green pepper and that way-- -You know, if you hold this up to your ear, you hear a-- -Farmer alfalfa.

-The garden.

No, I don't know.

Throw that in there.

-Well, I could use it.

-Oh.

-And you-- oh, I wouldn't use it now if it was the last pepper on Earth.

It's down in that-- -Stop callin' me a fool.

That's not very nice.

-Well, I've got a green pepper over here, I don't need one.

I only need a half one.

-I got two more if you need 'em.

-Well, I swear... -[Larry laughs] -You just can't.. -I didn't listen to what you were sayin'.

-I know.

You never do.

-I try never to listen to what you're sayin'.

-He's terrible, ladies and gentlemen.

-I watch it on television.

-[laughs] -I will listen to what he says.

But I never listen live in person.

I find you much better in reruns than you are in person, to be honest with you.

-Oh, it's true.

-I've always felt that way.

-Well, I don't know who's gonna clean up today but boy, they're gonna-- it's goin' to be Katie bar the door when they do.

-Oh, I could say so.

This entire stove looks like you've given it a run-through here.

We get finished with this, we're gonna be able to slip out on the town.

Well, look at that.

You have filled up the reservoir.

-Filled up the grease pit.

-How much more do you have to do?

-That's all.

-Well, thank goodness for that.

-You want me to turn this off or do you want to heat your buns on here?

-No, I'm not gonna heat my buns on there.

-Oh, go ahead.

We wanna see 'em-- -You got all of that bacon all over it.

[Laban] --just blister up and everything.

-All right, if you say so.

-[laughs] -No.

But anyway, I'm choppin' celery right now, boys and girls.

-[sings] I'm choppin' the celery over you.

-And there's just not much I can do.

You want some of this leftover celery, Johnson, or should I--?

Never mind.

I'm just choppin' the celery up.

-Mm-mm.

-There's just no delicate way for me to do it.

I guess I could do it the way Johnson showed me how and that is to rock this thing back and forth until you've chopped it all up.

Excuse me.

It's great shot of my wrist.

[laughs] Got a little laughter behind the cameras goin' on here.

I think they said something rude about me.

But I'm not sure.

-Well, I'm sure they did.

-All right, we're gonna take that and throw it in there.

Oh, if we could just hear what goes on the headset sometimes.

-Mm-hmm.

-Alright, well, that's gettin' too hot.

-Well, I gotta get [indistinct].

-There must be something I could do with that.

It's gettin' too hot.

-Why do they always put these big old rubber bands on the celery?

-Gonna put some more stuff in there.

-I mean, it's kind of unnatural.

I mean, celery is-- just ought to be all bunched out and pretty.

-Not only that, but some that I've gotten recent has been real dirty.

Real dirty.

-Well, look where it's been.

-Where's it been?

Oh, you mean in the-- oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, sure.

-We know what your kitchen is like.

-Alright, I got me an onion.

I'm gonna chop an onion up right now.

-[laughs] -If you throw that rubber band-- he's just tryin' to get me back for that time I served him that rubber in his-- that rubber band or whatever it was, that rubber-- -Gasket.

[Larry] --gasket that was in the bottom of my blender.

Do you know that blender still works after all these years... -[Laban] Uh.

-...without that rubber gasket?

-Well, I guess those got all that food down the bottom of it.

-No, it does not.

-Oh, me.

-Well, come to think of it, that's a lie; I'm not usin' that one anymore anyway.

I think I gave it to the sick and needy.

-To the homeless.

-[laughs] Yeah, I brought it down here one weekend.

All right.

Now the onion goes in there.

I'm sorry.

There's not much you can do.

When you gotta chop things, you gotta chop things.

Just be real patient with me.

Now, we're just gonna fry that up until it's real glazy-hazy-lookin', and that'll do for just a little bit.

I added a little bit more margarine to it.

A little salt and pepper at this point would be in order, and I don't know where it is, as usual.

I think it's put away.

-It's over in the cabinet.

-It's over in the cabinet.

I got it.

A little salt and pepper.

I love pepper.

Put-- well, where in the world is it?

A little pepper on there.

Just a little.

Be real careful.

Don't overdo it.

Add a little bit of salt, just a tad...a little bit.

Maybe a tad little bit more.

Okay.

Do you need salt and pepper?

-[Laban] Yep.

-All right, now that's all we're gonna do for-- oh, no, no, no.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I got one more thing here.

Now I brought in freshly cooked chicken.

Couple of chicken breasts, I brought those in, and I'm goin' to chop that meat up right now into chunks.

You can do it-- you know, chunks would be fine.

Just chunk it up, baby.

And that's all I'm gonna do for right now.

Back to Johnson.

-Oh, thanks.

Caught me.

No, I'm now slicin' thinly two stalks, or ribs I should say, two ribs of celery, and they will go over here into our slaw.

I guess this slaw is perfect proof of the fact that you don't have to have just plain cabbage slaw, that you can have some other wonderful things in it.

-We have done a good variety of slaws here.

-Yeah, well, slaws are really Southern and they're good for you.

There's, I mean, what can you say?

Slaw is good stuff.

-Well, they are good for you, because-- I know that because I go through the obituaries every day of my life and I have never seen anybody ever passed away from eatin' slaw.

Huh.

-[crew] [laughs] -One person laughs.

That's a right dead crew today.

-Yes, it is.

-Either that, or we're pretty dead.

I think you may be slippin' a little bit.

-No, I don't think we're slippin'.

-[laughs] I think-- -I think they have some serious problems here on the staff in this building.

-[laughs] Oh no.

That's all-- -I saw Larry Dyer, the manager, comin' out of here a while ago.

-Oh no, please.

-I guess-- I guess he was back here straightenin' 'em all out.

-[laughs] All right, I have chopped-- movin' right along.

I have chopped some chicken up here.

-You know, Larry just got a big movie contract.

-Oh, did I really?

What's it gonna be?

-Yeah.

He's gonna be doin' the life story of Virgil Fox, the famous organist.

-Okay.

I'm, uh... this stuff is startin' to look real filmy and waxy just like it's supposed to.

And we just let it go just a couple minutes more and then we're goin' to add in our meat to it.

[laughter] I've never heard so much sniggering.

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life.

All righty.

Well, we'll just hold on a little bit and then we'll be back to this recipe.

Johnson, what are you doin'?

-What do you want?

No.

-I don't know.

I'm tickled.

-I'm dicin' up this green pepper.

This half a green pepper, which could have been the half you threw away but it wasn't.

-That's right.

We don't want this to be too crunchy.

That's why we're waitin' on it.

-Now I've had green pepper.

-[clangs utensil] Ah?

-I said I've had green pepper in coleslaw.

-Oh, have you?

-Mm-hmm.

Listen.

I was readin' in the sport pages of our local paper yesterday and they had this feature about all of these terribly rough-looking gentlemen that were-- had built 'em a deer camp.

You know, they go huntin' and they live up in the woods for a good while and all that stuff, and they-- they had a big Thanksgiving dinner, and it listed the menu and it was, you know, turkey, wild turkey and mashed potatoes and everything, but they had something that gagged me.

-[Larry] Oh no.

-Turnip slaw.

-Ooh.

Now that doesn't sound-- I don't like turnips that much.

-Well, I'm not wild about 'em either.

I mean, they're okay in soup but raw turnips shredded up into coleslaw.

-Yeah, that's uh-- -Doesn't that make you just turn over?

I bet those boys are real regular in the woods.

-Have you ever--?

[laughs] People been watchin' their step ever since.

Let me tell you something.

Have you ever had mashed turnips?

Like you mash your potatoes with--?

-Oh, sure.

-I don't like that either.

[crew] [laughs] -All right, now I got to have some bacon in here.

So here's where I get to use my bacon.

And it's got to be crumbled up and you got to have eight slices.

-Well, whilst he's doin' that, I'm gonna take four, count 'em, buns, and they are to be split.

It's amazin' and buttered and I'm gonna put 'em under the broiler and we're gonna toast 'em lightly.

Well, Lord, I have gotten rid of-- you have any extra margarine that's soft over there?

-[Laban] Uh-uh.

-[Larry sighs] -I think there's some in-- that's presentable.

-There's plenty in the refrigerator but I had some that I had soft out here and I forgot and threw it in my pan.

Well, that's all right.

We'll just make do-- oh, well, this isn't too bad.

Just butter these things.

You can see that's goin' on real smooth.

[laughs] Dot your bread with the butter.

[laughter] I'm sorry.

That's the best I can do.

The butter is-- this is actually margarine-- is not workin' too well.

So I'll just do the best I can with it, ladies and gentlemen.

We'll put that in.

We'll start-- we will start toastin' those so that by the time our barbecue is ready, our buns will be ready for-- to receive the barbecue.

So, I'm gonna put that under the broiler here in a minute.

Maybe we ought to call up our recipes and show people what all's in all this nonsense.

-Well, I'm not ready.

I got some more stuff here over here.

-Oh.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, Mr.-- -Just hang on-- Carol, don't show him my [indistinct].

-Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

[laughs] -All right, now I got the bacon over here and the coleslaw.

Now I got to have some fresh parsley.

-It just seems to be doin' so little.

-And this partially came out of my garden.

-Mm-hmm.

-Picked not two hours ago.

Specially for us here on TV.

-[Larry] Uh-huh.

-And this is the flat Italian kind of parsley.

And I got to have a quarter cup of minced fresh parsley.

So that's what I'm tryin' to do here as quick as I can.

-Well, maybe we ought to call up the-- oh yeah, that's right.

We can't.

-No, no.

I don't-- I don't think we're ready for 'em.

Because you know-- -All right, I'm puttin' these under the broiler.

-Well, let me ask you something.

-What?

-How have you been?

-[laughs] Well, hang on a second.

-How are your cats doin'?

-Can I-- can I do something?

I have something really more important than-- speakin' of cats, now you put this meat in there.

And the next thing we do is we add a dash of garlic powder.

-Oh.

Oh no.

-And then we add some pre-prepared barbecue sauce.

However much you like-- I'm just goin' to experiment around with it a little bit-- and then you start heatin' all that up.

That is goin' to be our barbecue.

Meanwhile, I've got the buns under the broiler.

Okay.

Mr. Kitty is doin' real well.

And Lambie is gettin' real fat, and Selket is real grouchy.

Now, that's how my cats are.

What else do you need to know, Johnson?

-Well, I don't know.

-So anyway.

And that's it.

That's the entire recipe.

I'm finished.

Maybe we oughta call-- no.

Anyway, let's see what Johnson is doin' here.

-I'm tryin' to mince up my parsley.

-Why don't you use this so you can rock back and forth on it like you showed us all how to do?

-See, he got in here earlier today and got this knife.

-[laughs] Listen to him.

-But you do have to mince this stuff up, otherwise it'll probably be entirely too strong for you.

-This broiler is slow.

-Well, who isn't?

It's not enough power there.

-Mmm.

It's startin' to smell real good.

And let's see, that's two eight-minute cues together.

Does that mean 16 minutes?

Huh?

[laughter] -And I hope-- -Anyway.

-Miss Witch was grumblin' and said she had a surprise for us so I hope we don't forget her.

-Well, I haven't forgot anything.

-She's goin' on which-- which-- -Everything I've called for; you wouldn't let me go to.

-No, no.

-So nothin' I can do about it... -Well, I'm just tryin' to finish up here.

-[laughs] -All right.

Now, here is a quarter cup of minced fresh parsley.

-Mmm.

-And now I've got to have two tablespoons of lemon juice.

Oh no, here comes the producer.

What have we done wrong?

-[laughs] -Oh, he's comin' in to show somebody how to operate the camera.

-On the air.

-Oh, no.

Sound trouble.

-[laughs] And it's such a shame because I was the only one that was sayin' anything worth listenin' to.

[laughter] -No, the problem-- Miss Lamore.

It's the curse of Lamore.

-Oh no.

She's not here and she's still got a curse on us.

Thank you.

-Uh-huh.

She still [indistinct].

-Okay, I gotta check my buns.

-[laughs] Oh, turn around, we'll check 'em for you.

-Aren't they real pretty?

-[laughs] -Aren't they just lovely?

-Uh-huh.

All right, now here goes two tablespoons full of lemon juice into this mess.

-I should have started [indistinct].

-Oh, I forgot my cucumber.

I gotta get it.

[laughter] -I swear.

I'll be back in a little bit.

I'm-- [crew] The recipe.

-I've tried to call for the recipes.

-Alright, well, get the recipe on.

I don't care.

-All right.

Let's go to the recipes.

-Oh, it's got to be mine first.

Oh lord.

All right, a half a small head of cabbage shredded, about three cups.

Two stalks of celery, thinly sliced.

A half a green pepper, diced.

A small cucumber, pared, seeded, and finely chopped, which is what I'm tryin' to do, even as we speak.

Eight strips of bacon, fried crisp and crumbled, quarter cup of minced, fresh parsley, two tablespoons of lemon juice, half teaspoon salt, half teaspoon of pepper and one quarter cup each of mayonnaise, and sour, bitter sour cream.

And that's it.

-The chicken barbecue, two tablespoons of chopped celery, two tablespoons of chopped onion, two tablespoons of chopped green pepper, a dash of garlic pepper.

A tablespoon of butter or margarine, that's how you do all that, you know, all the sautein' to begin with, and a quarter cup of prepared barbecue sauce or to taste, however much you-- you like is how much you put on there.

Oh yes, and the chicken, and the hamburger buns split and toasted.

I'm doin' that right now.

I think we're gonna cut that off because I think it's goin' to go too far if I let it go much further.

It is comin' along marvelously.

The meat's gettin' hot.

The barbecue sauce looks real good.

-Mm-hmm.

-The buns are not doin' a thing under the broiler.

They're not doin' anything at all.

It's incredible.

This is dumbest broiler I've ever seen in my life.

-Well have you gotten it turned on up real high?

-It's on and it is on, well, it's on broil.

You can only turn it on broil.

You can't turn broil up high.

It's either on or off.

[sighs] -Well, I think, on that range, you can do a variety.

But you do have it on broil, and both the temperature and-- -Well, it's on broil, and it's-- oh, it's startin' to toast just a little bit.

I take it back.

It's gonna do something after all, and good thing too, because we're runnin' out of time.

Well, this is a beautiful salad.

-Really it is.

-It's just gorgeous.

-I just hope we get it finished in our lifetime.

[Larry laughs] -And we were worried about not havin' enough time.

All right now, there's the cuke grated and down into there.

-Ah.

Yeah.

-And now I got to have-- I got a quarter of a cup of sour cream in there.

And now let me put in a quarter of a cup of mayo.

And that goes over into the-- well, it didn't all want to come out.

Come out!

Now let me stir it up here.

And this is this delicious coleslaw that this guy from Blacksburg, Virginia sent in and now I can see why he sent us the recipe.

[Laban laughs] -[laughs] So he wouldn't have to eat it.

-Right.

Oh, I didn't put it any s-- oh, yes, we know.

They were signifyin' to us real hard like we didn't-- couldn't read any signals.

-A severe signification.

-Well, maybe we ought to ask the witch to haul it in here.

-I've got my buns out and they're nice and toasted.

-Oh good.

-They're real pretty and I'm gonna go ahead and put my barbecue on these buns.

-And what are we gonna serve this on?

-They're real lovely.

They really are.

What are we goin' to serve it on?

-Uh-huh.

-Well, what do you mean?

-Look over at the dinner table.

-Oh-- [laughs] -[laughs] So that'll give you something to do.

-Well, excuse me.

Go ahead and get the witch out here.

How terrible.

-Oh!

Good grief.

-How embarrassing.

-Oh no, she's been travelin' with the circus again.

[laughter] -One cup or two?

-What is-- ?

Oh, you know what she wants?

-What?

-She's been yellin' about washin' these dishes and she is-- all right, we got you.

She's fussin' and carryin' on about the-- oh, come back again-- about the plastic wear that we've been usin', said it just isn't up to snuff, and she wants to have one of those folks come over and so we can have a plasticware party.

-Uh-huh.

-You know the kind we're talkin' about, wink, wink.

-Uh-huh.

-But we can't say it on TV.

But anyway, we're goin' to have a plasticware party next week.

We'll play games and then we'll take orders.

-Startling overhead shots.

You know what this barbecue is sayin'?

-What?

-Eat me.

-[laughs] -Just wanted to say.

Okay, and that's exactly what we're goin' to do.

-Right, well, I'm goin' to the table.

I've had enough of this.

-I'm sorry.

I couldn't resist.

Ah.

The old talking buns.

I always love it.

Mm.

Excuse me.

Am I supposed to be over there, Johnson?

-Yeah, come on over.

-I can't get away.

-Do you remember that song that was popular some years back?

-What?

-Baby makes her blue jeans talk?

-Yeah, I believe I do.

-That's where those-- the talking buns.

-Ah-- what we have here.

-It's like The Talking Heads.

-That's the greatest a'plenty.

What I think is probably a pretty presentable meal here.

Have one of these fine-- look, isn't that pretty?

What's wrong?

You afraid they're gonna explode?

-Well-- -I have never had one explode yet.

Well, it does look interesting, doesn't it?

-Mm-hmm.

-I'm gonna try mine first.

Mm.

It's pretty good.

-Mm-hmm.

-Not bad.

Tell me, you need a--?

-Mm-hmm.

-Let me try the slaw that went on for six weeks.

-Well, that's not bad for a barbecue bun.

-Let me try this.

Mmm.

Well, the slaw is good too.

-Mm-hmm.

-I like that.

It really is.

It takes a little long to make it, but-- -It'll probably be better the second day.

-I think you're right.

If it has time for all the flavors to go through.

That's real good.

-Mm-hmm.

-I like it.

Bye.

[♪♪♪]