[♪♪♪] -Boom!

We're back.

-Yep.

-Hi, Mr. Johnson.

-Here, let me slice off a piece of ham for Larry's recipe today.

-Can you believe this?

We haven't been on 15 seconds, and he's already carving on me with a knife.

-Well, it's-- well, absolutely.

I could take off a few inches in the here and, well... -[scoffs] Enough already.

-You know, people have been sendin' us a lot of stuff.

-Oh, they have been sending us a lot of stuff.

-[Laban] Yeah.

-In fact, I have a gift here for you.

It says your name right on it.

-[Laban] Okay.

-And this lady from Pennsylvania has sent you a bunch of Christmas stuff even though it's not Christmas anymore.

But it's real pretty.

-[Laban] Aw.

Well, how nice.

-All sorts of prettified things.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-Isn't that just gorgeous?

Lovely.

She didn't make a bit of it herself, but she went out and bought it herself.

-[Laban] Well, that's sweet.

-Nice little thing to hang around your whatever there, and you know... -Well, we've had [chuckles] some people in Philadelphia-- we were in Philadelphia recently-- sent us a new can opener which I have yet to master, and a jar opener.

This one is really swell, because you-- you kind of pop the vacuum seal with this and then undo it.

And then of course, we have these representations done on somebody's computer of Larry and I.

There is... oh, that's me.

-[Larry] That's Laban.

The picture of his head is so old he didn't even recognize himself.

[Laban] Uh-huh.

[Larry] That's when you had about 40 pounds of hair.

-[Laban] And there's... -[Larry] And of course, that does actually look like I currently do.

-[Laban scoffs] -[Larry] Well, you know-- -[Laban scoffs] -[Larry] I've actually, you know, I've been working out for the last year.

It's not quite that good.

But, uh... [Laban] And it isn't working out, right?

[both laugh] [Larry] Dillard Childress can tell you that.

I look pretty much like that.

He goes to the same gym I go to.

He can tell you.

Come out here, Doris.

I hate to bring Doris in too early 'cause, well, you know.

-You know.

-But you know, we were in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, a couple of months ago, and the people up there probably wanted to know more where Doris and Harold were than where we were, I think.

So anyway, some people brought this bunch of stuff for you.

A little gift pack here.

I don't know, some kind of a little doll baby or something.

You may want to open that.

That's just for you.

And I want you to know that I carried that through the airport.

Through three or four airports, for you.

And-- -Well, I guess it's supposed to be like a little witch.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-Isn't that cute?

Can everybody see?

-Well, I guess.

I don't know what it's supposed to be.

But I got to tell you-- -Tell them thank you.

[chuckles] -Laban can tell you this is a true story.

I came back with so much stuff in my bag, bottles of stuff.

And it's the first time, this is a true story, they pulled me aside and said, "Can we go through your bags?"

[laughs] And I had to stand there while they tore out the-- -The dolls.

[giggles] -The doll babies and... -[Laban] Uh-huh.

-So anyway, thank you.

-Well, thank you.

-Thanks a lot, and come back-- [Laban] They didn't bother me.

I don't look suspicious.

[laughs] -And nor was he carrying anything.

So anyway.

What we're doing today are... -No, we don't know yet.

-Oh.

We don't know what we're doing today, do we?

-The witch has got to come tell us.

Boink.

-What we're doing is calling the witches.

-Right in the chest.

All right.

Let's see what the... [reading] "Dear guys, here's the deal.

"Albert had been hunting "and shot a very large deer with umpteen points.

"In his excitement on the way home, "he hit a pig in the road "and crashed into a farmer's chicken coop.

"Our question is, what can you do with "chicken, ham and venison?

"We need cheap recipes because our car insurance "has just tripled in cost.

"Thanks, Albert and Doreen Dodge from Whatyoucallit, Pennsylvania."

-Whatyoucallit, Pennsylvania.

One of my favorite towns.

I'm going to do the un-named casserole from Philly sent in by the Evans family of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Good bunch, the Evans family.

-Right.

And Linda Watson of Philadelphia sent in this recipe for square baked chicken and cabbage.

-And I think that we have the lovely Miss Thing coming in with some venison after a while, I believe, so.

-[Laban] Yes.

-You know, Laban, this is our 18th season.

Eighteen years of doing the same show.

It's just amazing.

It really is.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-And we're still just as excited as ever.

But we have had some requests from some of the younger audience that while they enjoy the show, they feel like we really just don't have enough special effects on the program.

Lots of glitz and effects, and noise and sounds.

So, this year, I brought some handy dandy-- [laughs] Isn't that wonderful?

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-Isn't that frightening, boys and girls?

That's as good as it gets right there.

Jim Hammerstrom.

Waah.

Hmm.

It's frightening.

Scary.

So, there you go, special effects.

Well, I mean, it's Cookin' Cheap .

It's cheap special effects.

-Mm-hmm.

I remember when that one was walking around.

-Perhaps I'll be doing the recipe wearing this.

It's rubber or something.

-Oh!

Urgh.

-There we go.

-Fat hands.

-So anyway.

-All right.

Larry, I've got so much slicing and chopping to do.

-Don't you always?

-Why don't you just go on and you start, and I'll catch up with you in a minute.

-Okay.

We've got a pan over here on the stove, and the first thing you're going to do is take a couple of tablespoons of margarine or butter and throw it in there because you're going to make your stuffing in there.

By the way, now, if you have-- this would be a great recipe to do around Thanksgiving time if you have a bunch of stuffing left over and everybody's sick of it and you don't know what to do.

Well, what you do is, you'll stuff a ham with it.

Use the stuffing you've already got.

I would make it up from scratch because I make a fabulous stuffing, although not nearly as good as yours.

[Laban] Oh, thank you.

-Of course, I haven't tasted his in years because he stopped having us over for Thanksgiving.

-[Laban] Mm-hmm.

-But anyway.

Now, the first thing you've got to do is slice up about six ham slices, and I got a precooked, prebaked job.

And it's not cheap.

So, the first thing it says, slice the slices a little bit thicker than you would for a sandwich.

So that's-- but you don't want it too thick because you've got to be able to roll it like so; actually, like so.

That's too thick.

I'm going to try another one.

I'm going to take it out of the pack.

But anyway, first thing you do is heat up some margarine.

We're going to do it with some Stove Top stuffing today, just to be quick on TV, but you can do it with your own stuffing at home if you want to.

I'm going to slice that just a little bit thinner, I think, because I need to be able to roll this around the stuffing after a while.

So, that's all I'm going to do for the moment.

And now back to you, Laban.

-[Laban] All right.

I have just sliced two mushrooms.

That's all.

Just two.

A half a carrot and a half a stalk of celery, or rib of celery is, I guess, the correct term.

And I need the equivalent of a medium-sized onion that is sliced.

And this is going to be-- I'm just going to do half of this one because I don't think we need it all.

This is a juicy dish.

It makes a big mess.

And don't try to carry it to a buffet dinner because it's just too sloppy.

But it looks good.

We'll see.

-[Larry] What is it?

-It's a chicken leg dish.

What you-- you get an 8 x 8 pan and you fit chicken legs in it.

And I've got seven in this one.

-[Larry chuckles] -And you put those in.

And then, we're going to sprinkle the carrots and the mushrooms over top of everything, and the celery.

[Larry] I just threw that big leftover piece of ham at Miss Doris, and it just-- it landed with a thud.

-Oh!

-She's gone off to take care of her ham.

And of course, we do have some people standing by to give her some assistance.

-[Laban] Yes.

-So, anyway... [Laban] I didn't know she called Harold a ham these days.

-[Larry laughs] -All right.

Anyway, you layer your stuff down, putting on the celery.

And finally, you need some cabbage, and just shred it like you would do for coleslaw.

And the recipe calls for a half a cabbage, but you don't really need that much.

I don't know what you-- but that's just-- all right, I'm going to go back through and cut this a little bit.

Chop it some.

[Larry] I got to put some water in with our margarine, about one and a quarters cup.

And I'm going to make the stuffing right now.

And, uh... -Whoop.

[Larry] What you do is you bring all that to a boil, and when it's-- oh, you put your seasoning packet in and bring it to a boil, is what you do.

[chuckles] This is what you do making-- I've never made-- I know this is a funny thing, but I've never made Stove Top before.

I always make mine from scratch.

-[Laban] Well, I do too.

-I do.

And I don't do it that often because if I eat stuffing every day, I... [Laban] Well, the stuffing would be showin'.

-They'd be able to paint a sign on the side of me and rent me out, much like that friend we have-- -[Laban] Uh-huh.

[Larry] --who works in the billboard business.

But anyway, I'm going to put that in there.

I've got to bring that to a little bit of a boil and then we'll put the rest of the stuff in in a couple minutes and make our stuffing.

Now, what I've done over here is I've gone on ahead and I've sliced these fairly, so that I can at least roll them.

Take a look at it.

There we go.

We'll be able to roll them.

And what we'll do is put them into a nice baking dish here in a couple of minutes.

Meantime, you have your choice of either some sort of cream of mushroom or cream of celery soup.

I have chosen mushroom for this one, and celery for the one that's actually in the oven that we're going to eat at the end of this program, if we behave ourselves and we're lucky.

And I have to add a can of milk to that and mix that thoroughly with a whisk.

And that's what I'm going to do right now.

[Laban] Could I have a bowl, Doris?

-[Larry] [humming] -[Laban] Bigger than that, but not [indistinct].

-[Larry] That's ready to go.

That's going to be poured on top of it here in just a little while.

And that's what your ham is going to bake in.

Well, I'm ready to go home.

Oh, no, I haven't finished yet.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

[chuckles] My mind, I'm just not back into it again.

[Laban] Well, you know, we're out of practice.

[Larry] We really are.

-And we're not ashamed of admitting it.

-We're at that terrible portion of the program where I'm waiting for something to boil and there's nothing I can do about it.

So, you'll just have to hang in there.

[Laban] Thank you so much.

All right.

Now, on mine, you have to sprinkle on-- oh, dear, all of these spices.

About a teaspoon of sugar.

[Larry] Hmm.

[Laban] So there's a teaspoon of sugar.

-[Larry laughs] Why?

-[Laban] Who knows?

[Larry] Well, that's the strangest thing.

[Laban] Well, it is.

A little.

A little.

A little.

Some garlic powder.

-[Larry] This is on.

I should have had this stuff heating up a while ago.

Why am I goofy doing this right now, waiting for it to do something?

-[Laban] All right.

Some cayenne pepper.

-[Larry] Uh-huh.

[Laban] Some red-hot pepper.

[Larry] Is this like the end of your recipe that you're performing here?

-[Laban] Oh, no, no.

[Larry] [laughs] Good.

And now, Doris and Harold will come in and sing.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

You know, Doris and Harold just got back from Iceland.

[Larry] I got a card from 'em today, and it says, "We're having a great time in Iceland," but she's here in the studio, and I can't figure this out.

I don't understand.

[Laban] Well, I got my card from her last week.

But it was still, took a right little while.

[Larry] It was still cold when I got my hands on it, the card was.

-One time, first time I ever left the country, and I was in the Austrian Alps.

And I mailed my mama a postcard on the 4th of July, and she got it in the mitten by Christmas.

-[Larry] Is that so?

-Took that long, yep.

Mail is very slow.

-[Larry] Well, mail used to be a lot faster then than it is now.

-That's poultry seasoning I just put on.

-[Larry] Poultry seasoning?

-Yep.

And I think that's all that I have to be sprinkling on there.

Now I've got to make a sauce.

So you want to go ahead and do something while I... -Oh, thank heavens, this stuff is boiling.

I can't tell you.

Now.

Now that this has boiled, what you do is, you add your little stuffing part and fluff it around, and then you let it set for a few minutes.

Take it off the heat and let it set for a few minutes.

Try to keep up there a little bit, upstairs there.

You know, Andre is a little out of practice.

[laughs] He's going to come out here and smack me in a minute.

So, anyway, we've got to let that set up just a couple of seconds.

Can't deal with that right now.

It's got to set up, okay?

So, there it is, settin' up.

Well, I mean, that's all it's got to... just got to set there for a second.

I can't hurry this.

-Well, I need a half a can of cream of chicken soup.

And-- oops.

Put it in this-- I'm telling you, I am spilling stuff.

-Looks like they got a new bucket.

-Uh-huh.

I can't see.

I'm blind.

I've been at the eye doctor today.

Um, half a can of soup-- -Is there anything that you haven't had operated on in the last six months?

-Yes.

But it's none of your business.

-[both laugh] -This recipe calls for a half a cup of soy sauce.

But I'm not putting that much in it because I think it's too much.

It'll ruin ya.

Get that puppet out of here.

-[Larry chuckles] [Laban] Over 30 years ago, I started working in this place with a puppet.

-With this very puppet.

Rarrrr.

-I don't want to do it again.

Don't ever work with a puppet that will upstage you.

Now I've just got to... [Larry] I'm having a good time.

-Of course, Doris gave you the whisk.

-[Larry] Well, I have it.

-No, that's all right.

[Larry] It's back in the sink.

I don't think I'd want it.

It's back in the sink.

I don't think I'd want to touch it.

[Laban] You don't know what they do back here while we're not here.

-Okay.

Now, I'm ready for a little assemblage.

-[Laban] Well, good.

-A little assemblage.

Take just a little bit of this.

And I decided that you can't take much more than a tablespoonful of it.

And you're going to do the... hokey-pokey.

No, that's not what you're going to do.

What you're going to do is you're going to roll this.

[Laban] The hokey pokey.

[Larry] [sings] Roll another one.

There it goes.

It would be nice if I had some toothpicks.

Do you have any toothpicks, Doris?

Do we have any toothpicks?

Are there any toothpicks in the house?

It's going to unroll.

See what's going to happen?

It's gonna-- -[Laban] I saw some.

Wait a minute, there's some over here.

-It would be nice if you had a toothpick.

Oh, toothpicks are coming from everywhere.

The toothpick capital of the world, ladies and gentlemen, Roanoke, Virginia-- [Laban] Here you go.

Here's some colored ones.

-No, I don't want colored ones.

And I'm only going to use them temporarily because I don't want this thing to open up and fly all over the place and put someone's eye out.

Until I'm ready for it to go.

I'll pick all those out in a little bit.

But right now, until I get all six of these in there... Well, for heaven's sake.

There we go.

So, anyway, I'm going to do that.

There seems to be a lot of mumbling here in the studio.

What's going on?

-[Laban] Well, there is.

Just everybody's just amazed at how goofy all this is.

-Well, it is a right stupid program.

Go ahead.

What do you got?

-Well, I thought I'd read this letter that came in from Jay Clark or Charke.

[Larry] [scoffs] Well, what is it?

-Well, I don't know where Jay is from.

Bristol, Tennessee.

Says-- [Larry] Well, there you go.

Right there.

-[reading] "To Larry and Laban, it is a shame "the way you two old men talk to Doris Ford on that show.

"You two are disgusting.

"You don't have the right person helping you.

"Because if that was me, there would be no Cookin' Cheap "because they would fire us all.

"P.S., she has feelings too.

"And mean people can do things that hurt.

"My heart goes out to her.

"Can't you be a little nicer to her?

She is the heart of the show."

She's the noodge of the show.

[laughs] Bring her in here.

-[Larry] Come in here, Doris.

-She's the one with all of the-- -[crew member] Money.

-[Larry] Well, now, I just think that's a pitiful letter.

Did you give that guy's name?

-[Laban] Yes.

-Oh, well, why'd you do that?

Now I can't say what I wanted to say.

I'm sure that he's a well-intentioned person, and... but we love Doris.

We really do love Doris.

And Doris is... -And Doris knows it.

-Doris is nothing without me.

Hang on a second.

Doris is nothing without me because she doesn't have a mic.

[laughs] -That's true.

-Now you can talk.

-And I know that you guys are just kidding.

-We are.

-Oh, right.

[laughs] Okay.

-What are you doing?

-Me?

-You didn't bring some deer meat down here.

-Yeah, Laban told me.

He said I had three weeks to do it in and that's-- whoa!

-Well, I hope you're happy.

-[Doris laughs] -She's just burned a hole, ladies and gentlemen, in her fine little-- anyway, that's just real attractive.

[Laban] Oh, is this platter gonna burn too?

-And there it is, right on top of the stove.

Startling overhead shot, ladies and gentlemen.

There it is.

Gee, it was a good notebook.

[Doris] This was expensive too.

I searched all over for this about three years ago.

[Laban] Oh, and the aroma.

Ugh.

Burning plastic.

There's nothing like it.

-Would you hold this while I finish that?

Go ahead.

I've got a ham... [Laban] Now, don't put it back down on it again.

-Well, I'm not.

I had to do a venison roast.

And I've got a three-to-four-pound venison which I browned in flour.

And then-- [Larry] Hold your mic up there, darling.

We can't hear you with it sticking out here.

-Let me get that out.

And you brown it in flour in a little olive oil and then you add some chopped onion, a garlic chopped, and, uh, mixed together, a half a cup of dry mustard, one teaspoon paprika, one bay leaf, four peppercorns, one and a half teaspoons salt, a quarter of a teaspoon pepper, a third of a cup of vinegar, one 15-ounce can of tomato sauce, and one cup of white wine.

If you don't like using white wine, you could use either beef broth or chicken broth or something like that.

And it's sort of like a barbecue.

And it's got a nice gravy to it that you can use for rice or noodles, or even mashed potatoes or something like that.

[Larry] Well, it looks real pretty.

[Doris] [clears throat] So I get-- and it-- I cook it in the oven.

I baked mine in the oven.

You can do it on the top of the stove if you like, and it takes about three to four hours depending on the age of your venison.

So, you have to sort of judge on that one.

[Laban] Do you have to ask the deer how old it is?

-Really?

-Before you shoot it?

-I don't know if you can tell by teeth or what.

-Put that up there-- this goes to your mouth.

-Okay.

[laughs] -Tell us about-- did you enjoy-- you and Harold enjoy your trip?

-Yeah, we really did.

-To Iceland?

Is that where you went?

-We went to Iceland for Christmas to get to the snow and then-- -Do they have any slides?

-There was no snow.

There was no ice.

There was not... -Is that so?

No ice in Iceland?

-No ice.

They had an abnormally warm winter.

-[clears throat] I'm glad that you had a nice vacation.

'Cause you know how much we love you, Doris.

-And you wish I stayed there.

[giggles] -No, no, no.

No, don't.

See, you're causing-- that man's going to give me a hard time.

Okay, I got to do something here.

Here we go.

I'm going to take the toothpicks out of here.

Bye, Doris.

I'm gonna-- and Doris, we love you.

We really do.

-You gonna buy me a new thing?

-[Laban laughs] -What you do now is you take your soup.

You take your soup, and you pour that over-- see, you've got all these rolled up, about six of them, in a real nice-- Doris has picked out a real nice pan for this to bake it.

And you put your soup over top of that.

And you put it in the oven.

And you bake it at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

Got one in the oven.

I'm going to have to get it out right now.

You got something else to do?

-[Laban] Yeah, oh, yeah.

I'm not finished yet.

[Larry] Well, you better be finished in three minutes.

-All right, this is a sauce made with a half a can... go figure... a half a can of cream of chicken soup, a half a cup of soy sauce, which is way too much, and a couple of cups of water.

And I'm just going to pour this over all of this.

And then you bake it at 375 for about... um, 45 minutes or so, or until the chicken is tender.

Now, let me pour some more.

[Larry] I'm sweating like a pig here.

I got this stuff out of the oven.

This is what it looks like when it comes out of the oven.

-[Laban] Oops.

-Looks pretty much like it did when it went in the oven.

-[Laban] Oh, no.

-Oh, wait a minute.

We don't want to miss this.

-Oh, shoot.

[Larry] Startling overhead of Laban's area.

-Doggone it.

What else is going to go wrong?

I'm giving up.

-[Larry chuckling] [Laban] What a mess.

[Larry] What did you dump that in there for?

[Laban] Well, the recipe called for it.

And the one I made yesterday accepted two cups of-- this is a mess, ladies and gentlemen.

-I need something to get that out of the oven.

-And you seal it up with aluminum foil and that's it.

What a mess.

-[Larry] Well, I think-- is that all of it?

-Yeah, that's it.

[Larry] Well, that's so attractive, Laban.

Just dripping.

Oh, the recipes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Six-- the un-named casserole from Philly.

Six boiled ham slices, a little thicker than for sandwiches.

Some Stove Top stuffing or use some used stuffing at Thanksgiving, if you got it.

A can of creamed soup, either mushroom or celery, and a half a can of milk which you use in the soup can.

And that's it.

Uh... [Laban] And the square baked chicken and cabbage.

You need one and a half pounds of chicken legs, a half a head of cabbage shredded, one medium onion sliced, one half carrot sliced, one stalk, half a rib of celery sliced.

Two mushrooms trimmed and sliced.

A half a cup, way too much, of soy sauce.

Three to five cups of water.

One half can cream of chicken soup, cayenne pepper, garlic powder, poultry seasoning, and sugar.

-Well, we got to get over here and get to it.

-Well, I want to see if I can get mine out of the oven.

-I'm trying to get this rubber off of this that she has put all over.

Look at that.

All over my fine eye.

It's just the biggest mess, I swear.

But we love her, you know, we love her.

Even though she does stuff like that once in a while, we all make mistakes, goodness knows.

-Now, is there a trivet I can put this on?

Look at Doris run.

I love to watch her when she does things.

-[laughs] We can't get it to the table.

-There she goes.

-Let's all run to the table at the same time.

-Oh.

-That's close enough, Johnson.

If you got it on the table, it's close enough for me.

-Oh, I'm so glad you're so affable and easygoing today.

-You know, I really am.

[sighs] -You know, we got to mark these tables and chairs.

I almost knocked that pig off.

[Larry] I hope that your doctor doesn't see you gnawing on that.

[Laban] Oh, I do too because-- [Larry] And here, let me get you some of this fine venison.

Mm, big old piece of it over here.

Just look, that is so tender.

Look at that.

That is gorgeous.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

[Doris] Don't eat it raw.

[Larry] That really is gorgeous.

I'm going to eat-- mm-mm.

I'm telling you, I'm full.

Now, let me take some of this ham.

[Laban] All right.

Let me have your plate and I'll give you a leg.

-Well, it's real pretty.

It looks like it's just runnin' all over the place.

Now, what is this chicken that you've done here with some sort of soy sauce on it?

[Laban] It's supposed to be served with the juice and everything over a-- -Well, Laban, it's like rubber.

-Well, I told you, there's too much.

-It's like rubber.

-Well, I can't even find a place to get into it to cut.

-It won't cut.

-[Laban] Bad knives.

-But it has a real nice flavor.

-[Laban] Well, good.

-Mm-hm.

I'm going to try my little ham thing.

How bad could it be?

I mean, it's got dressing and ham.

What can you do to that?

-[Laban] Plenty.

[laughs] -And a little bit of soup.

-[Laban] Mm.

-Tastes real good.

I like that.

Very nice.

-Mm-hm.

Not bad.

-Well, and we've got the venison.

And it's all real nice.

It's just a shame that you just kind of got that wadded up so nobody can see any of it.

But it's stuck to it.

It's just terrible.

Excuse me.

-The venison is really good.

-Isn't it though?

It really is.

Well, that's about it.

I don't imagine there's much more we could do on this program.

-Well... -We'll be back to do it right next week.

-[Laban laughs] -Thanks for coming by.

[♪♪♪] [music fades out]