[♪♪♪] -[inhales] Mm, I just love ginger.

-Oh, it is good.

-And, you know, Ginger used to look just like that.

-Oh, she did not.

She was, she was much-- -When I dated her.

She was tiny.

-[laughs] I'm using fresh ginger today too.

-Is that so?

-I am, it's true.

[reading] "Dear Mister Bly and Mister Johnson."

-Whoa!

-This is from some... and I'm quoting from the letter, "old lady" in Richmond, Virginia.

-Well, it's so sweet that she wrote to us.

-[reading] "The chili and cornbread looked delicious; "however, I am pleased I did not have to eat your cooking.

"While chopping onions, Mister Johnson stated "he was nervous about using the surface "for chopping as to the cleanliness.

"Wake up, guys, and be aware of bacteria.

"At the beginning of the feature, Mister Bly commented about his swollen face--" -[Larry laughs] -[reading] "--rubbing his hands "all over his face and neck and then his hair.

"Mister Johnson then commented about his unhappiness "of his haircut, rubbing his hand over his hair.

"Uh, his, uh, without hand washing, the food prep began.

"Did you guys plan to do this "to bug clean-cooking, uh, old ladies like me?

Well, if you did, it worked."

Oh, honey, give it up.

[laughs] -Let me have that for a personal response.

-Here, and I'll-- I'll give you the envelope too.

-First of all, we're not cooking for a restaurant.

We only cook for each other.

-That's right.

-It is a comedy cooking show.

But being that it does concern you terribly, hygiene being as important as it is... -Absolutely.

-...we have decided to... just for you, sweet cheeks; just for you, baby-- there.

I hope you're happy.

-[laughs] -How long you think your head can stay fresh in there?

-I don't know, but I'm worried about this lady.

I think she needs some serious therapy because she, she does go on at some considerable length.

I didn't read all of it.

Bless your heart, darling.

But we are cooking for ourselves and our extended family here in the station.

None of this will be purveyed out on the sidewalk, even though they would like us to do that from time to time.

But in any event... -[laughs] And you know what I always tell people when they say, "Do you eat that stuff?"

-What?

-I always say, "Of course we do, and we have never lost a single customer."

-No.

All right.

-We really haven't.

Where's that witch?

We need to get going because we got a lot to do today.

-Yeah.

These recipes-- oh, she's a little dizzy today.

-She went right past us.

-Darlin'.

Give it up.

[reading] "Dear Fat Boys and Doris, "who's also getting pudgy, why do you keep cooking and eating all that meat and oil?"

-Yes.

-[reading] "None of it "could be good for you.

"Let's have something vegetarian, "which would be a lot better for you three butterballs.

Okay?"

And it's signed Ramona Leadbelly of Lard, Ohio.

Well, Ramona, today is your day.

-Just so happens I'm going to do curried butternut squash soup, and it goes on forever.

-And I am doing one of the most despicable, hateful recipes I have ever done on this show.

And the only reason I'm doing it-- the programming people know that I absolutely despise dried beans.

I hate 'em with a passion.

I like green beans, I like green peas, but I do not care for dried pinto beans or all that mess, and today we're doing one with ceci beans, which are better known in every other part of the United States as garbanzo beans or chickpeas.

-Oh, and the lovely Miss Thang will be by in a little while.

That Little Miss Pudgy Wudgy Doris.

-[Laban laughs] -Colonial corn custard.

Wouldn't you know she'd be bringing in the corn custard?

Well, this curried butternut squash, you get started just real quick.

What you do is you take, uh, two and a half, uh, pounds or about two pounds of butternut squash, and you cut 'em in half and when you've cut 'em in half, you take a big old spoon and scoop out all those seeds and all that other stuff out of there.

And then you lay 'em down in a baking dish like so, and put about a quarter of an inch of water in there.

And it'll take two of 'em, that's about two pounds, two and a half pounds, because I weighed 'em.

And, uh, you bake 'em at 400 hot degrees for about 45 minutes and then you take it out, and when they cool, just a little as these have, as you can see they have cooled considerably, then you scoop all of this out and you put it into a food processor, where we're going to process it for about 30 seconds.

So I'm going to take all that and scoop it out and put it in there.

As you can see, it's just wonderful.

And later on this makes the perfect telephone.

When you get finished, it makes a wonderful phone.

So anyway, I'm gonna do this.

Johnson, hit it.

-All right.

I have just sliced, uh, a big yellow onion, like a big yellow school bus.

This is the big yellow onion and I've got two or three, I'm using three because they're small cloves of garlic, and I'm gonna chop those up.

And I'm going to sauté them until the onions are transparent in two tablespoons of olive oil.

So we're using oil of the young olives, and it's a real nice one.

And there we go.

We've got all of this chopped now and we're going to put it over here into the oil, which I hope is hot.

But we'll see.

LARRY: That woman has made me severely nervous.

LABAN: Well, just don't touch anything.

All right, now let's see, I think I'll use-- maybe I better turn up the heat a little bit.

And this is going to sauté before we put the other stuff here.

I brought these in so people could see.

This is dried garbanzo beans here in my palm, if you can see them.

-Of course you could have just bought 'em with already done.

LABAN: You could have bought, you'd probably need about four cans of already cooked ones.

But I think people that use garbanzo beans are going to want to either have 'em fresh out of the garden or they're going to insist on soaking these and cooking 'em the long way.

-I need to process this stuff for 30 seconds.

So that's what I'm doing right now.

Go ahead, Johnson.

Hello, Johnson.

-LABAN: What?

-LARRY: Come in, come in.

-Oh, I don't want to come in.

I'm afraid that peo-- people won't be able to hear me over the noise of that processor.

-Well, I have to process this just a little bit more.

-Well, it's turning into a real pretty color.

-What?

What is it?

Doris is nervous because it's not going around fast enough for her.

-LABAN: Well, you know, it's-- -What?

DORIS: You guys [indistinct].

-You know, Doris, I am not going stir it up a little bit and I'm not gonna go any faster.

-[Doris laughs] -[laughs] Now there it is.

See?

Startling overhead shot.

It finally did it.

And that's really about all you need.

See, it's well mixed.

There it is.

That's all you need to do.

That's it, right there.

-There's your butternut squash.

-That's all you gotta do.

All right, go ahead, Johnson.

-Well, I'm sautéing as fast as I can.

-Oh, okay.

Well, I-- I got some more stuff I can do here.

-Oh, good.

Well, go right ahead.

-Now melt margarine in a saucepan over medium heat, add curry and cumin.

And this calls for... two teaspoons of curry powder.

Two teaspoons curry.

That's one and a half, two.

And how much cumin?

Uh, one teaspoon of ground cumin goes in there on top of the stove.

Isn't that smellin' wonderful?

Whoo, boy, that smells great.

It really does.

Now let that sauté for just about 30 seconds, it says, so let me mix it around here and in the margarine, just a little bit.

Whoo-wee, about 30 seconds.

-LABAN: Ooh, that smells good.

-Doesn't it, though?

I'm going to pull it off because it's getting a little hot.

LABAN: Oh, the aroma of that curry.

Well, you know you have to cook a real good curry a little bit to get all of the flavor and the aroma.

-Well, I don't think you have to worry about the aroma coming out.

-It's wonderful.

-Okay, there we go.

So I gotta let that go for a couple of seconds.

Then the next thing I got to do is add the apple, the onion and the garlic and sauté for five more minutes.

So I have chopped up the amount of, uh, apple that I need, and I've chopped it real fine by the way too.

And that is about one, uh, and a half cups of peeled, chopped Granny Smith apples.

And I'm gonna put 'em in there now.

I need maybe just a little bit more of those and I might do another one here in a second.

And then again, I might not.

Just depends on how I feel.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

-You know, I'm a little rushed for time today.

So, uh, maybe I will, maybe I won't.

So anyway, that goes in there.

And it also calls for chopped onions; about, uh, oh, I don't know how much.

A cup.

Thank you for helping me out, darling.

A cup-- that's a little less than a cup but that's okay, that's all I got today and that goes in there, chopped onions, and a garlic clove smashed and chopped.

LABAN: Oh, you did that so well.

Woosh.

Lar, you're getting professional.

LARRY: You know, I really am.

You know, if I get any better, I'm thinking about going on television.

-LABAN: Ha!

-LARRY: It's true.

I'm just gettin' so good at it.

So anyway, put that on there and you want to sauté that a little bit.

Whoo, you know that's gonna be good.

And so healthy too, because as you'll notice, at no times have I touched my hair during this entire program.

It's true.

My head is hermetically sealed for your protection.

Okay, go ahead, Johnson.

-All right.

Now, I have soaked these garbanzo beans, ceci beans, chickpeas, whatever you want to call 'em, uh, for about 24 hours.

And I'm going to add-- this is two cups of dried beans, and I'm going to add all of this into the pan.

LARRY: Whoo!

Good heavens.

Just look at that.

LABAN: Oh, nasty stuff.

Nasty, nasty.

-Well, that's enough garbanzo beans to set you free.

LABAN: Ohhh.

I'm afraid the devil will bury me with garbanzo beans.

-Where's my lid?

I had it.

-LABAN: This is awful.

It's on your head.

[laughs] -I need to cover that for a couple of minutes.

-[laughs] Oh, they got your number.

LARRY: Joke a minute around here.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

-Joke a minute, boys.

-All right, now this has got to simmer for about 15 or 20 minutes.

We'll never make it, so, as soon as it boils, we'll add the rest of the ingredients.

-Oh, well, thank you, Johnson.

That's just what I needed, was you to come back to me when I'm trying to figure out what I'm doin'.

-[Laban sneezes] -[chuckles] Bless you.

-I've got hay fever and it's killin' me.

-Now we have to add flour and tomato paste, flour and tomato paste.

And the tomato paste has to be three tablespoons.

That's probably about one of these little eight-ounce cans and we're going to add that at this point.

Three tablespoons.

One, two, three.

There you go.

And flour-- we need three tablespoons of flour goes in there at this point.

One, two, three.

That goes in there.

-I just thought of something.

-LARRY: What's that?

-What redeems this entire day... -LARRY: Uh-huh.

-...is that here we are cooking with all this odiferous stuff.

-LARRY: Oh, it is wonderful.

-It is, and the aroma is fine.

But you know, they're having another event in this place tonight and all those high-tone people are going to have to come in here and smell garbanzo beans.

-[laughs] Well, that's fine.

It serves 'em right.

-LABAN: Hmm.

[laughs] -Serves 'em right.

Okay, look at that.

-Well, my stuff is beginning-- LARRY: Isn't that interesting.

It's sort of a paste, making sort of a paste.

While we're waiting for that to get done, you want to go to the Cook Sisters?

-Yeah, let's bring 'em in.

-I sure could use a Cook Sisters break right about now.

-They're coming.

I hear their little soft heels rubbin' on the-- -Because there's lots more good stuff to come on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

-[Laban laughs] -Don't go away.

Here they are.

Hey.

-Yeah.

-Sis?

-Yeah.

-Oh, you're already paying attention to me, I'm sorry.

I'm trying to see over the glasses.

-Oh.

Your eyes are lookin' funny anyway.

-It says-- oh, yeah.

-Dissipation setting in.

-Dissipation.

It says here remember... remember... -Yeah, I hear you.

-Orange juice has 50 times the Vitamin C of grape or apple juice.

-You're kidding.

-Oh, it is shocking.

I could [indistinct].

-Oh.

-It does have a lot of sugar.

-Oh well, I guess we'll have to be careful.

-I don't know what it means, but that's... -Keep your oranges to yourself.

I'm Sister Cook.

-And I'm Tootsie Cook.

BOTH: And we're the Cook Sisters.

-Okay, next thing you got to do now is add to this mess your puree of squash.

And there's a great amount of it.

Boy, I'll tell you, this is one colorful recipe: there's no two ways about that.

-You know, some of that gang [indistinct]-- -I sound a little like Katharine Hepburn, don't you think?

-Some of that gang... -Put that in there.

-...we met the other night at that fundraiser in Charlottesville, Virginia, would, would have a field day with your recipe.

-And yogurt.

-Because it looks like-- -And eight ounces of yogurt.

Now don't be commenting on it, we'll get, we'll get, Hair Lady will be writing about those remarks.

All right, put that back on there.

-Ladies and gentlemen, if you would like to respond to Hair Lady... -[Larry laughs] -...would you just... -Oh, my goodness.

-...write us a letter... -No.

-...and put "Attention Hair Lady" on the outside of it, and we will forward the letters to her.

-[laughs] Okay, there we go.

Isn't that pretty.

Put it back on the heat and turn your heat up because at this point now we're going to add, we have to add two cups, I think it is, of low-sodium chicken broth.

Two cans get added to that mess.

Oh, that's good.

The lid's still in it.

There we go.

That's one, and you need to stir it up a little bit and mix it before you put the other one in.

There is no end to this recipe.

You know, we're liable to have to go into another series here to get Doris on today.

-LABAN: Oh, we'll get her on.

Maybe she can tell a few jokes.

-Why don't you, um, while I'm adding the second cup of, uh, chicken broth, why don't you give your recipe.

-All righty.

I'll be glad to.

The Ceci Beans and Brown Rice, uh, you need probably four cans of canned beans or two cups of dried beans cooked, uh, a yellow onion, two or three cloves of garlic, one whole can-- that's a 16-ounce or a 15, whatever-- of chopped tomatoes, some fresh ginger, two tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil, brown rice and parsley.

So that's the ceci beans and brown rice and Uncle Lar, you wanna-- -All right.

Now I have to take a couple of strips of ginger root.

As you can see, I peeled it off, and I'm making these large because I gotta locate 'em.

[chuckles] You're supposed to take it out.

And just take a couple of strips of ginger root and stick it down in there at this point.

It's down in there, believe it is, and you, you bring this to a, a boil.

When do I add--?

-DORIS: Salt and nutmeg.

-Salt and nutmeg.

All right, how much nutmeg, uh, Doris?

Help me, Doris, help me.

Help me, Doris, help, help me, Doris.

-LABAN: Doris.

-What?

-DORIS: Fourth of a teaspoon.

-Fourth of a teaspoon.

Boom, there we go.

That goes in there and what else goes in?

DORIS: Three-fourths teaspoon of salt.

LARRY: Little salt goes into this point also, just a wee little bit.

Boom.

That goes in there.

Stir that up.

Now the last thing we're going to add to this after it comes to a boil is we're going to add our cooking sherry, pale dry.

Dry cooking sherry goes in this and at that point, it's when you pull it off.

This now has to come to a boil... -LABAN: Uh-huh.

-...and you don't add your sherry till the end because if you do, you boil out all the good stuff out of it.

-LABAN: Oh no.

-Just saying you don't want to do that.

-LABAN: No, no way.

-And then you'll also have to pull that ginger root strip out of there... -LABAN: Uh-huh.

-...however many of 'em there were.

Did I miss something?

DORIS: Bring to a boil, stirring constantly.

-Oh, bring to a boil, stirring constantly.

[laughs] It says.

All right, let me give you my recipe.

Let me give you my recipe while I'm stirring constantly.

The Curried Butternut Squash Soup-- uh, butternut squash, two pounds; actually, it depends on the size of 'em.

I had to use two of 'em to get two pounds.

Two teaspoons of curry powder, one and a half cups of peeled chopped Granny Smith apples, large clove of garlic minced, eight-ounce carton of vanilla non-fat yogurt, two 10.5 ounces of cans low-sodium chicken broth, five thin slices peeled ginger root, I put three large slices in.

Uh, just ad-libbing as I am so capable of doing.

Uh, one teaspoon of ground cumin, uh, cup of finely chopped onion, three tablespoons of flour, three tablespoons of tomato paste, three-quarters teaspoon salt, quarter teaspoon ground nutmeg, two tablespoons of dry sherry will be added at the end.

The margarine was for all your sauteing done early in the recipe, and there you have it.

It's a long one.

It really is.

Now what are you doing next?

-All right, now I am going to add too, a can of chopped tomatoes.

So here I go.

There it goes.

-Chopped tomatoes, here I go.

-And stir that among the, the garbanzo beans.

And now I'm going to add two tablespoons of fresh ginger, and I'm using my little ginger grater that grates it right down into the pan.

This is a swell little invention because it is ceramic, and it cleans up real well and it grates a lot better than anything else.

Larry, quit playing with the food.

-LARRY: Hmm?

-LABAN: Oh, he's-- -Oh, I was trying to get that cork out.

That darn cork won't come out.

Oh, how embarrassing.

[laughs] Well, are you at a point, at this point where we could bring... -Well, go ahead.

-...the lovely Doris in?

-Go ahead.

-Doris is just bucking to get in here.

So it's time to get out the Doris mic.

Don't you think I'm cute in this, Doris?

DORIS: Right.

-I'm actually doing my hair.

DORIS: Well, and I know you keep a clean head, so you really don't have to do that.

-LABAN: Aww.

-I keep a clear head and a clean head at all times.

DORIS: Okay, I had to do-- -Let me tell you, there are three flea circuses out there that was casted from Bly.

-[laughs] DORIS: [laughs] Okay, I had to do Colonial... -I'm having to continue to stir while I hold her microphone.

DORIS: Colonial Corn Custard, and it says five fresh eggs at room temperature, and I did get five, uh, fresh eggs.

I've got 'em right off the farm, practically right out of the chicken.

-LARRY: I believe that.

-DORIS: [laughs] Uh, and it took a lot of spices-- a half a teaspoon each of nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, allspice, and ground cloves, one and a half cups of sugar.

And I made one with sugar and one with sugar substitute.

-LARRY: Oh, for heaven's sake.

-DORIS: And, uh, what?

A teaspoon of vanilla, two and a half cups of corn, one pint half and half, which could be omitted, so I omitted that with the, uh, low-sugar one.

-LARRY: What did you admit?

-DORIS: The half and half.

LARRY: To strangling that chicken?

Oh, you omitted... Oh okay, good.

DORIS: Two cups of milk and half a stick of butter melted.

Now, it didn't tell you how to put this all together.

You take the, uh, the-- the milk, eggs and the, uh, spices but it didn't tell you what to do with the butter and the sugar, so I just sort of added it in a little bit later on.

And then you have to bake in a 325 oven, in a pan of water, for 45 minutes.

And it took longer with the bigger one.

And of course I was trying to cook both of 'em at the same time.

And I thought about using the fake or substitute eggs or whatever you want to call 'em in the one here with the sugar substitute, but last week, Laban told me I was supposed to follow the recipe and it doesn't say anything about [laughs] using fake egg in here.

But it might work, because I think with all the spices you have in it, you, uh, wouldn't notice that they were not real eggs.

-LARRY: Hmm.

-So I guess it'll be okay.

I don't know.

-LARRY: Well, I hope so.

Well, thanks for coming by, Doris.

DORIS: You're welcome.

-So long.

Come back, yeah, next week.

Now, uh... DORIS: I have to?

-Huh?

You're not finished?

DORIS: No, I said I have to come back next week?

[laughs] -Now the next thing I have to do, I brought this to a boil, stirring constantly even while Doris was blathering on to my left.

Next thing you got to do is pull those ginger strips out.

I have three of 'em in there and I gotta get 'em out of there.

LABAN: Why is that funny?

LARRY: I don't know why I can't find 'em.

They have disappeared.

Well, if they come into a bowl, ladies and gentlemen, you just, Miss Manners would tell you you reach down with your little forefingers and pick 'em out.

There's a, there's the other one.

Here's another one.

There it is.

Isn't that a pretty soup?

Now at this point, you have to add the secret ingredient.

That calls for two tablespoons dry sherry-- one, two.

Anyway, that goes in there at this point.

And that's after you pull it off of the heat; otherwise it dissipates.

And we don't-- oh, there's that third one.

Thank heavens, I found it.

All right.

So I got all the-- LABAN: It's like leaving the bay leaf in; it doesn't taste good when you get hold of it.

LARRY: Well, that's right.

But it's big enough that you're certainly going to see it if it's, you know, if it's there.

So anyway, that's, that's your soup.

Believe it or not, I finally got it done.

I can't believe it.

I've actually accomplished this recipe today.

Huh, perhaps I should cover my head with plastic more often.

-All right, now here is the brown rice.

Look for it in your grocery store... -Pretty.

-...near the regular rice and, uh, this is a one that has been converted.

And that means it's been partially cooked, so it doesn't take, it's not instant, but it doesn't take as long as regular brown rice does.

And I'm going to go over and serve some of this on our plates, Lar, while you're finishing up.

-Well, I'm finished up.

I have taken this lovely soup and I have dipped it, and I'm gonna now take it over to the table and we're gonna give it a try.

-Well, wait just a minute.

-We certainly have a lot of large dishes in the kitchen today.

-Now which is which on this rice pudding?

-Huh?

-Which is which, Doris?

-DORIS: [indistinct].

-I'm just gonna go sit... down.

LABAN: Oh no, we've gotten tangled up in our... -Get over here.

-I'm coming as fast as I can.

-All right, give me... now, do you put this garbanzo-- -On top of the rice.

-On top of the rice.

-Thank you.

-Now would you like two scoops?

-LABAN: No, no, no!

-[Larry laughs] -Oh, and I forgot I was supposed to put some, let me get some parsley.

-LARRY: Parsley on it.

Well, I'm just gonna try the one of these closest to me.

It certainly is rather gelatinous.

Well, thank you, Laban, for throwing this stuff at me.

All right, let me do this.

Well, why don't you try the soup while I'm trying to get this stuff.

-Oh, I'm trying to put the garnishee on it.

-Well, doing it from across the room, Laban, while hysterical is, uh, there you are.

-All right.

Oh!

-Just about ruined me.

[laughs] -[indistinct].

-[Larry laughs] Well, what do you think of that soup, Johnson?

-Let me get it on my palate.

-[Larry laughs] -Well, I think it's pretty good.

Pretty daggone good, Mister Bly.

-Well, you know, it isn't bad at all, is it?

Right good.

Let me try this garbanzo surprise that you've done.

Hmm.

-LABAN: How is it?

-Yeah, it's pretty good.

It's not-- I mean, the flavor isn't gotta hit you over the head, it's a little tame, but it's good.

-Well, good.

I'm gonna try the corn, whatever it was, custard.

-[Doris talking indistinctly] -Mm.

It's a little sweeter than I like my custard, but it's good.

It's a good meal and I can hardly wait to get my head out from underneath this thing.

I believe my hair'll be ruined forever.

A lot of people said it was ruined before I ever put it on there.

You all come back again.

-It'll be straight as a poker.

[music fades out]