[♪♪♪] -Hey, everybody.

-Hey.

-How you doing?

Starting to smell good on the old Cookin' Cheap set.

-Oh, it is.

-Mister Johnson is doing onions.

-Onions and red peppers.

-You know, I used to tell you that was, that was an old trick that Tootsie taught me about cooking.

Look at this.

They've done something weird to my tie.

-[Laban laughs] -[laughs] Our sound man... -Your tie is shaped like a Co-Cola bottle.

[laughs] -...worked 20 minutes on this and I don't know what he's done.

But anyway, uh... but anyway... -Let me pull back here and see if he'll lift up.

[laughs] -She, uh, she, she taught me very early on that you could sit and watch soap operas all afternoon and not do anything all day long.

But approximately 20 minutes before her husband would come through the door, she always said throw some onions on the stove so it'll smell like something's cooking.

And she got by with that for years.

-Uh-huh.

I'm not surprised.

-Well, what are we doing today?

-I don't know.

Let's get the witch in here.

Boing.

-Miss Witch has flown through.

-[indistinct].

Now she's leaving the build-- no, she's not.

-No, she's back again.

-Oh, she got hung up on the spoons again.

-[Larry laughs] -You want to read it?

-Oh, sure.

Yeah.

[reading] "Dear guys, "my husband keeps making jokes about my cooking.

He refers to everything as 'mystery meat du jour.'"

-[Laban laughs] -"Could you help me "by giving us some real mystery meat recipes "that might be a little unusual?

I hope you can.

Thanks."

Betty Calendar of Elks End, Nevada.

-North Dakota.

-North Dakota.

I can't figure these things out.

[reading] "P.S.

I know you two.

Roadkill is not an option."

-[Laban laughs] -You're darn right.

Well, it's, I, as a matter of fact, uh, I'm doing-- this is the unusual meats show.

-Uh-huh.

-Unusual meats.

I'm doing something called Ham Tuck-A-Ways.

-[Laban laughs] -[Larry chuckles] LABAN: That sounds like, you know, one of those old Southern gentlemen from Richmond that we know.

-It does.

BOTH: Ham Tuckaway.

[laughs] -LARRY: He's a good man.

-And I'm doing Catfish Fiesta.

-LARRY: Oh my heavens!

And then the lovely Doris is coming in with, uh, Venison Jerky.

-LABAN: Ehh!

-We are all looking forward to that.

-[laughs] She is the queen of mystery meat, as we all know.

-I have to take a, a baking dish here and, and just put a little of something in it to keep it from getting all sticky because what we're going to do is, is put all of this in there and bake it.

Bless you.

And, uh, I'll be with you in a minute.

Johnson, what are you doing?

-Well, uh, for my Catfish Fiesta, what I want you to do is chop up half a red pepper and half an onion, and sauté them until they're translucent in just a little bit of margarine or oil, which I'm doing right here and it's very lovely.

And while that's going on, we're going to make the fiesta shake.

Now that's a season mix and these are the ingredients.

-LARRY: Sounds like a dance.

-Yeah.

So I'm going to give you the ingredients for my recipe right now.

It'll be a little early, but that's all right.

We're going to use two catfish filets, a half a pepper, red pepper, half an onion, and the shake is made up of an eighth of a teaspoon each of the following spices: cayenne pepper, cumin, onion powder, garlic powder, oregano, and salt.

And we're going to add a couple of tablespoons of white wine to it.

This recipe is real easy to do.

And so let me turn this down just a little bit.

My vegetables are getting close to being to the right point.

So, Larry, why don't you go ahead and-- -They're just perfect in every way.

-LABAN: Mm-hm.

-LARRY: Well, okay.

Well, this has to be done in two parts.

Part one is the tuckaway part.

[laughs] So start out with just an egg and what you need to do is to beat that egg up just a little bit, beat it up.

And we're going to put that in a bowl and we're going to mix a whole bunch of other stuff in there also, including tomatoes.

I'm using about a, a half a, uh, a half a can, one of those big cans, of tomatoes, and that goes in there.

Uh, you just have to use your, your head a little bit.

Half a teaspoon of dry mustard goes in that, half teaspoon dry mustard.

Boom.

And a teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce.

Put that in there.

This is an interesting combination of stuff, and I haven't-- because I baked this in advance, but I'll tell you the truth, I didn't have a chance to taste it.

So we'll just all have to go through the misery together.

And then into this, you also will put a chopped onion, which I'm going to chop right now, and mix that up real good, and two cups of fine chopped ham, which I will also chop here in just a second.

A lot of chopping going on.

So let me work on the onion and we'll get back to Mister Johnson.

-All right, now I've combined my spices and I doubled it, uh, so it was a little easier to do, and we're just going to pinch all these spices on these fine catfish filets.

-LARRY: This knife is horrible.

-You know, one of the great things today, Larry, are these catfish filets, because I remember when Granddaddy would go fishing, he wouldn't bring a catfish home for anything because they were so hard to deal with; you know, a lot of bones and-- -Now you just go to the store and they have those wonderful filets, and you can throw 'em on the grill.

-And they're delicious.

-LARRY: Oh, they're wonderful.

-They're not bony.

-LARRY: And you don't have to put up with that whisker, those whiskers, look at those whiskers.

-LABAN: And they're farm raised so they don't taste like river bottom.

LARRY: I don't like anything that looks back with big whiskers on it.

LABAN: So I'm, I'm sprinkling my mix on here of all of these fine herbs and spices.

I felt a little bit like the late great Colonel Harlan when I was doing this, Harland D. Sanders, with all his herbs and spices, but you just want to put the spices on and that's all.

Okay.

And now the next thing we want to do is to put the vegetables on top of this and I'm about to do that.

So without any further ado, we're just going to sprinkle the sautéed vegetables on top of here.

-LARRY: Well, looks like about anybody could do that.

-Uh-huh, any fool could do this.

This is a real easy recipe for you beginners.

There's just nothing to it but a little bit of measuring with those spices in the beginning.

All right, there we are with that, and I'll turn the heat off.

And, uh, why don't you go ahead because I have to get out the, the secret ingredient now and... -[laughs] The secret ingredient.

-...it, it'll take a little while to get into it.

-LARRY: Okay, I've chopped up a small onion very, very fine over here.

And now I'm going to chop up some ham, about two cups worth of ham, and just sort of dice it up into small, little dicey things.

And that's what I'm doing right now.

This has got to be the worst knife I've ever seen in the face of the world.

It won't even cut, it won't even cut soft ham.

I've never seen anything like it, it's just mangling everything, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a mangling knife and we're just gonna cut those into little, tiny-- it says chopped, I guess that's chopped.

I don't know.

It's as close to chopped as you're gonna get.

Is that close enough to be chopped in your book?

Miss Doris, who knows all, says sure.

Oh, thank you.

We have a standby knife, has been brought in, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, that's much better.

Much better.

Yeah, this is our stunt knife double has been brought in.

That looks like it may be just a little bit more than two cups.

I just sort of guesstimated.

After a while, you get to be so good at this that you can just eyeball it and tell.

[laughs] Not one snicker.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

LARRY: This group is getting old and jaded when you can say something like that and get by with it on the set of Cookin' Cheap .

So anyway, now you also put that into the tomato mixture.

All of that goes in there and you slop it all around, mix it all up.

It's a rather peculiar lookin' sort of thing but that's what it's supposed to be.

So anyway, the onions go in there and the ham chopped goes in there.

Now you'll mix that all up and in a couple of minutes, I will do the batter portion of this thing and, uh, show you how that works.

Laban?

-Well, I'm trying to get into this bottle of vino.

This is a Johannesburg Riesling wine.

-LARRY: Oh no.

-Oh, yes.

-LARRY: It's one with a real cork at it, which always... -Well, I brought my own.

LARRY: ...causes problems on this program.

-Uh-huh.

We've never owned a good decent wine thing.

-[laughs] Well, we very seldom ever use wine with a cork in it.

-But they have sealed this thing up.

-We've gone high toned on the program, ladies and gentlemen.

We actually have wine that requires a cork.

LABAN: Well, you know, they just don't make that cheap stuff like they used to.

All right, now here is our wine, and I've got, I like to use this kind of cork remover, which is these little blades that go down in here because it doesn't tear your cork all up.

And it's just as easy to get out.

LARRY: Well, I hate to say it, but you know, I cannot get those things to work.

What's the secret?

You just diddle it back and forth like that?

LABAN: Well, just wiggle it on down in there.

-And then how do you pull it out?

LABAN: Just pull.

-You kinda twist it as you're doing it?

-LABAN: Mm-hm.

-LARRY: Hmm.

-There it is!

All in one piece.

-Well, that went pretty well.

I'll have to admit that's, that's...done real fine.

-So... [laughs] -Now, be careful, Mr. Johnson.

-Now, two tablespoons of wine, one on each side, go in here.

And [laughs] looks like we got a little left.

[laughs] All right, now let me get out some, some wax paper or some, uh, full, uh?

What is this stuff?

Plastic wrap.

And put over the top of this thing.

And we're going to microwave it.

-Oh, no.

Anything but that.

-We hardly ever use the microwave for actual cooking, but today we are.

And, uh... [exhales] I'm just out of breath.

Let me get over here.

And it goes for seven or eight minutes.

-There's the microwave cam.

-LABAN: Well, let me see here.

-LARRY: Oh, for heaven's sake.

-LABAN: Uh, cook time... seven oh oh... -LARRY: Start!

-...and start.

There it goes.

-LARRY: Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, I gotta do-- I have to do the, the, the dough part of this.

It's not a dough, it's a batter.

-LABAN: Dough, a deer... -And you start out with a cup of flour.

Boom, there's a cup of flour.

And the next thing we have to do then is we have to cut into it-- well, let's put the rest of the stuff in first.

Little bit of salt, half teaspoon of salt, just a bit goes in there.

And a, one and a half teaspoons of baking powder.

One and a half teaspoons of baking powder.

That is one and a half right there, ladies and gentlemen.

And then, into that, you need to cut some, uh, some, uh, shortening, two tablespoons of shortening.

I don't have a tablespoon.

There you go.

And we're gonna cut that into that just a little bit.

And as soon as we get it mixed just a little more, we'll get in there with our fingers and do some work, and you'll get it to the crumbly stage.

And while I'm getting it to the crumbly stage, uh, why don't we have the Cook Sisters come in?

LABAN: Oh, they-- they're here, aren't they.

LARRY: Yes, they are.

LABAN: Well, let's bring them on in here.

-I'm getting this to the crumbly stage.

LABAN: All right, girls.

Come along.

Get those pumps a-movin' down the hall.

-And the Cook Sisters will come in and save me [laughs] while I'm getting this to be crumbly.

And here they come right now.

I can hear 'em, even as we speak.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

-[hums] Hey.

Hey, Sister.

-Yeah?

-I don't know whether you've ever thought of this.

I'm not even sure you ever think.

But did you know that chicken or tuna salad may seem like a good fat-free alternative... -Mm-hm.

Yeah.

-...but don't forget that mayonaisey-- you remember her, Mayonaisey... -Uh-huh.

-...can be full of fat.

-Oh, no, you've ruined it now.

I don't know what I'll have left to eat.

I'm Sister Cook.

-She does go on so.

And I'm Tootsie Cook.

BOTH: And we're the Cook Sisters.

-We have to have... Oh yeah, well, it's so nice to be back again.

We were just havin' a little chat here on the set of Cookin' Cheap .

Now, this is the crumbly stage.

That's what I call it.

You remember the crumbly stage; it used to come through here once a day.

-LABAN: Yes, I do.

Uh-huh.

-But anyway, you can see... -LABAN: From down in Buchanan.

-LARRY: The crumbly stage-- LABAN: It was run by the Crumbly Family.

LARRY: The Crumbly Family, they were real wonderful.

They really were.

So, anyway, you just kind of take it and run it just a little bit through your fingers.

See that?

Now watch that in slow motion.

[laughs] So anyway, there we go.

That's that.

Now, the next thing you do is you add milk.

Excuse me.

-LABAN: Now it's all over me.

-Ah, it was all over you, to begin with.

Now you add milk to create a batter.

And you just kind of have to... it doesn't tell you how much milk, so you just kind of have to play around with it a little bit.

It's got to be a pourable batter, but it doesn't have to be a, you know, real thick.

And work out some of those lumps.

I don't think I'd get it much thinner than that; in fact, that may be just a, a, a tad thinner than I'd like to have it but that's okay.

You can always add just a little more, uh, what do you call it?

-LABAN: Flour.

LARRY: Yeah.

That is what they call it.

LABAN: Which is made from grains of wheat that are squeezed between two hard rocks.

-And you may want to kind of work a little, a few of those lumps out.

Those are not terribly important.

It's gonna bake, so it's gonna be okay, but we'll do that.

So anyway, that's where we are on that.

Let's look at the recipe until I get this all worked the way I want it.

And then we'll go from there.

I'll show you how you-- CREW MEMBER: [sneezes] -LARRY: Oh, for heaven's sake.

The dust, it's the dust.

The Ham Tuck-A-Ways is... -LABAN: It's that flour.

-LARRY: ...uh, anywhere from half cup to a cup of canned tomatoes.

And you can sort of vary that a little bit depending on how large your container is.

Uh, one egg beaten, a half teaspoon of dry mustard, teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce, two tablespoons-- uh, two teaspoons of chopped onion and two cups fine chopped ham.

And then the batter is made up of a cup of flour, two tablespoons of shortening, one and a half teaspoons baking powder, half a teaspoon of salt and milk.

So, when you get finished with it, what you do is you make sure that you, uh, I sprayed a little Pam on there so it won't stick.

And first thing you do is, you take half of it and put it down like so.

There you go.

And then you take your filling and put it across like so.

And sort of spread it around.

That's a mighty long microwave... time.

How long-- oh, you're actually cooking in it, aren't you?

LABAN: I'm actually cooking it.

LARRY: Well, I won't complain about that.

It is chicken, you know, I don't want to-- -LABAN: Chicken?

It's fish.

-Oh, fish!

Whatever it is.

LABAN: Fish!

Catfish.

-Oh, yeah, that's right-- catfish.

LABAN: Whiskers and all that good stuff.

-[Larry laughs] -LABAN: Ladies and gentlemen... LARRY: I sort of lost track.

LABAN: A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

LARRY: All right, and put the rest of that on there.

Now what you do is you bake that at 400 degrees for 35 minutes and it puffs up real nice and it gets real brown.

And when it comes out of the oven, it looks like this.

Isn't that pretty?

LABAN: Oh, does it have that little plastic wrap on it?

-Uh-huh, a plastic forms on top of it magically.

It's just amazing.

It really is.

Anyway, that's what it looks like when it's all said and done.

So anyway.

-So, that's a Ham Tuck-A-Way.

-Yes, it's true.

Well, let's bring those Cook Sisters.

-Yes.

No, no, no.

-[Larry laughs] LABAN: Well, speaking of the Cook Sisters, here comes the evil niece.

-Oh, yes.

That's right.

We do-- -[Laban laughs] -I knew that we had, uh, Clarice Cook has come in here.

What in the world are those things?

Oh!

DORIS: Well, first I have to get far enough back so everybody can see my sweater.

I've had a lot of people ask me about my sweaters and this is my Easter sweater with the bunny in the garden and, see, isn't it pretty?

Isn't it cute?

LABAN: Just as cute as she can be.

Flower in a basket.

DORIS: Right.

Okay.

I've had a lot of people say they love to see what kind of sweater I'm going to have on next, and I just wanted to show my sweater.

I haven't had a new one in about a year or two for the show.

But, uh... -LARRY: [indistinct] DORIS: Yeah, that's okay.

It's plastic.

[laughs] -I've made a mess; I'm terribly sorry.

-Doris, you were supposed to do venison jerky, and that looks like Toll House.

-DORIS: That, that's venison.

-LABAN: Chocolate bits.

-DORIS: Venison jerky.

The dogs love it.

They tested it.

LABAN: That just makes me feel so comfortable.

DORIS: But it is good.

Well, my dogs won't eat doggy stuff.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

-DORIS: I have to go out and buy people's, people, people jerky.

They won't eat anything that they make for dogs.

But anyway, this is venison jerky and-- [laughs] -See if [indistinct] wants to try one.

DORIS: And it takes one pound of venison cut in bite-size pieces, and they were three times the size, you know.

I had a whole cookie sheet full, and they just shrink right up.

And add two tablespoons of that Worcestershire sauce, two tablespoons of liquid smoke, one teaspoon salt, a fourth a teaspoon black pepper, and one teaspoon of garlic.

Now you mix this all together and you marinate this for, oh, a day or two, stirring it frequently.

[indistinct] every now and again.

-LARRY: For a day or two?

-DORIS: Yep, make sure the flavor gets into it.

And then you put it on a cookie sheet covered with foil and bake it at 175 to 200 degrees, uh, stirring occasionally from four to five hours or until it gets nice and dry.

-Who sent this recipe?

DORIS: And this is sent in, uh, it was from the Virginia Hunters for the Hungry.

They sent us a cookbook and it has terrific recipes in it for-- anyone who's interested in venison.

-Well, no wonder they're hungry if it takes two days to fix it.

-Well, they, they've had a lot of other good ones that I've tried too... -No, they're good folks.

-...and it's from Susan Tennant, a forester from Prince Edward County, Virginia Department of Forestry.

And this-- -And, you know, all those people that have complained down through the years, a lot of them have, that we never do any wild recipes on the show.

Okay, there you go.

DORIS: But this, this is good because we, we-- -Well, Doris, tell us what the Hunters for the Hungry is.

DORIS: See, it's not really, it's not totally dry.

[laughs] The Hungry-- this is when people go hunting and they don't want the venison.

They don't want the deer, they've gotten more than they can handle, and they donate it to the hungry and, uh, a lot of the recipes in the book come from the different areas or the food shelters that cook the venison up for the, for the, uh... -LABAN: Right.

-It really is pretty good.

-DORIS: It is.

-Larry and I have worked with... DORIS: Doesn't taste anything like venison.

-No.

-DORIS: No.

-LABAN: ...with, uh... -Tastes like chicken.

-...a couple of the shelters here in this area and they do.

They, they take, uh, that venison and grind it up and make hamburgers and spaghetti sauce and all kinds of stuff out of it.

So it's a good, good project.

-Well, it's real pretty.

Now how do you... do you just like set it out and hope people know what it is or what do you do?

How do you go about-- DORIS: Well, I've never served it before other than for us to eat it.

I guess you would have to put a sign on it because-- -It looks like party food for some kinda-- -Yeah.

-DORIS: [laughs] -Well, anyway.

-[Laban laughs] -Doris, it's wonderful having you here.

-So, if you want to know how to make your own beef jerky or venison-- -DORIS: Venison jerky.

-Something that people are always asking us to do all the time.

Anyway.

-Well, I've got to get my dish out.

-Now your stuff, has, has, uh, come out, right?

-Yes.

No, it hasn't come out.

It's about to.

-LARRY: Aha.

-LABAN: If we can find... and there it is.

-LARRY: Oh, Doris.

LABAN: Oh, the-- look!

LARRY: [laughs] The front of the drawer fell off.

-DORIS: Oh.

-How terrible.

-Well, it's a cheap kitchen.

-[laughs] Well, but look, it's still, if you get out from in front of it... -Oh, there, the potholders way up in the back.

No.

What is that?

It's some tissue paper.

Somebody was-- -Gee, it was a, a good, uh, counter top, uh.

Well, look, you just ripped it right out by its roots.

Well-- -And where is, where is Norm when we need him?

-[laughter] -That's terrible.

-Or those furniture to go guys.

-That's it.

-Get them down here.

-Get those furniture to go guys.

-They'll know how to put it back together.

-Oh, me.

Is it done?

-Well, it seems like the plastic part is.

LARRY: Well, it doesn't look like chicken to me.

LABAN: Oh, it, it looks real interesting.

LARRY: [laughs] I don't want to hear that, Johnson.

LABAN: Well... LARRY: How many minutes do they have to go?

LABAN: No, it's gone the right number of minutes.

LARRY: You're sure of that?

It's gone, all right.

LABAN: It looks real pretty.

I'm gonna take it over to the table.

-I'm gonna take my tuckaways and tuck them away here.

I don't even have any idea how you, I guess you just gotta get a spatula or something and get it out.

I'm not sure but anyway, there it is.

It's real pretty.

It's just lovely as can be, ladies and gentlemen.

And, uh... -LABAN: Excuse me.

-Do we have-- oh yeah, we do have something we can serve it with.

-LABAN: Uh-huh.

-Uh!

Oh, me.

-You know, I hit him on the wallet, and he didn't even feel it.

-[Larry laughs] -Oh, no.

Oh, no!

-He has destroyed the entire set.

Well, I want you to know that-- -[laughter] -[laughs] Let me test this chair.

-Sit down.

-I'm afraid to.

-I want you to look at this.

This is perfect in every way.

That's exactly what it's supposed to do.

So, you got your hand tucked away inside there.

-LABAN: Mm-hm.

-Just like it's supposed to be.

And it-- look at that, it's a little prefabricated thing.

Just lovely, is what it is.

Here, Mister Johnson.

-LABAN: [laughs] -Now what are you doing?

-The catfish turned upside-down.

-[laughs] For heaven's sake.

Would you like one of these on your plate?

All righty.

Okay.

Well, here, Johnson, have one-- I want to, I want to see what you think of this.

-LABAN: No, thanks.

-What do you mean no, thanks?

-LABAN: I don't care for any.

-[laughs] When did we get to doing that on this show?

-Because when I was a child, the first book that I read that I loved was Bambi .

-Oh, let's not get into that.

I don't want to hear it.

Let me try the fish.

It does look done.

Hmm, that's pretty good.

-LABAN: Mm-hm.

-That's pretty good.

LABAN: Well, the Ham Tuck-A-Ways are all right.

-Are they?

-They're falling apart though.

-What do you mean, they're falling apart?

-Well, the bread.

The bread part is right tender.

-Hmm.

Well, I think it's supposed to be tender.

-Mm-hm.

Well... -Well, it tastes pretty good.

Yeah, we have this beautiful cake.

The heck with the rest of this, let's eat the cake.

Well, I like these Ham Tuck-A-Ways.

And this catfish is, it's pretty good.

-It's real tender, isn't it?

-LARRY: It really is.

It really is.

-It has a nice flavor to it.

-I think I'd like a little salt and pepper.

But anyway, that's real good.

Well, I think we've got a pretty nice little meal here.

LABAN: We do.

-Are you sure you don't want, um--?

-I-I am real sure.

They're real pretty but, uh, if they're good enough for Doris' dog... -DORIS: [laughs] -Well, they aren't.

You gotta, I mean, they gotta like these sort of things, you know.

The type of person who eats this is the type of person who buys that beef jerky and those things in the store.

DORIS: And you know what, it's good for hunters to throw in their pocket.

-Yeah, so you have a little snack.

DORIS: So when they're out, they have something to eat, and they don't have to worry about it.

-So they have a little snack-- -And when they fall out of their tree stands-- stands and break their hip, the dogs will know where to find 'em.

[laughs] -DORIS: [laughs] -[Larry laughs] -Yeah, Fred didn't come back last night.

We better send the dogs out after him.

-The cake's real good too.

[laughs] Bye.

[music fades out]