[♪♪♪] -Oh, no!

Get that thing away from me.

-I'm gonna attack him with this thing.

-You know you don't know nothing about machinery.

[laughs] -Yeah, you know what?

You're right.

You don't have to worry.

I don't think this thing will hurt anyone.

-I don't doubt.

-In fact, I was just running it around a little-- -But this will.

-I was just running it around little Mike Carroll's beard a few minutes ago, and.

-[Laban laughs] -Oh, yeah.

I can't believe it's back.

-Today, the blender comes back.

Oh, no.

-Is this the one we've had so much trouble with?

-That is it.

-Of course, you know we've had so much trouble with so many blenders down through the years.

I'm surprised you and I have not put the blender people out of business.

-Well, it's the truth.

-With this program.

-We have had some terrible things happen with blenders.

-Oh, I see you boilin' water.

-Yeah, well, you know, that baby is comin'.

no, never mind.

All right, let's get the witch in here.

-Don't go there.

-And she's already had her babies.

Oh-- -Where is she?

-She was flying-- -I know she's here somewhere.

Oh, there she is.

-I think she's been in the juice again.

[laughs] -And there she goes.

Good catch, Andre.

-All right, well, let's-- -Andre is our official witch catcher.

-Yes.

"Dear Boys, do you ever get recipes that are just goofy?

"We've seen some you've done before that sounded awful "but were really good after you did 'em.

"Do you have any of those?

Thanks, Irene Teeter of Totter, Texas."

-Teeter Totter-- [laughs] That's so terrible.

-[Laban laughs] -As a matter of fact-- -This is your lucky day, Irene.

-It certainly is.

I'm going to do something called Pinto Bean Cake.

-Oh.

And it was sent in by Phyllis Dalton of Draper, Virginia.

And I'm doing Do-It-Yourself Sweetened Condensed Milk-- -Why?

Why?

-I swear it's the truth-- from Doris Conner Nofs of Trenton, New Jersey.

And the answer to it is-- -Are you doing anything today?

-And Doris is doing a flan.

-Oh, okay.

-But I gotta tell you about this sweetened condensed milk.

-I think I ran over one of those on the way in here today.

-No, no, no, no.

-Oh, okay.

[laughs] -No, no, no.

The thing is, it's definitely cheaper to buy the sweetened condensed milk in the store, definitely.

How-- -Why would anyone make it from scratch?

-Well, I'll tell you.

Suppose it's a snowy day and you're like Doris and you like to cook and you wanna be-- you know, really get into it and you've got a great recipe like the one she's doing today for this flan, but you don't have the sweetened condensed milk.

This is a good way to do it if you don't have it.

[laughs] -Okay.

Now, I have a question for you on why people do the things they do.

-Yeah.

-What kind of person would start out with "I gotta make a cake today.

What can I make it out of?

[gasps] Pinto beans!"

How did you get to that?

I mean, what causes that?

I would like to know.

That's the silliest thing I've ever-- -Terminal goofiness.

-Well, I gotta tell you something.

Here's something nice to know.

While I was baking it, and I did have to make it in advance, it smelled like a cake, and it didn't smell like pinto beans.

-Oh.

[laughs] -Don't you think that's-- don't you think that's encouraging?

-Or any product thereof.

-But I got to tell you, this will be the only cake we've ever made that gives you gas.

[laughs] -[Laban laughs] -First thing I have to do right now-- we could have gone all day without saying that, but we weren't about to.

-Yes, we could.

-First thing we got to do is I gotta get started on this, it takes forever.

-Alright, you go ahead because mine is real short and easy.

-I'll take about half a cup of margarine and a cup of sugar, and I just have to mix it all up real good with this horrible mixer.

And as you can see, the butter should have been sitting out for about an hour and it isn't.

But it'll get there, that's okay.

Did I put some of that in your eye?

-Yes, almost you did.

-It's going everywhere.

[Laban] Thank goodness I have safety glasses on.

[Larry] It says cream the sugar and the butter.

I don't think that's exactly a cream, but it'll get there eventually.

[Laban] You know our friends Joe and Ed, the Furniture To Go guys, always wear their safety glasses.

-Well, that's why today, for once, I am wearing-- -Your own apron.

-My own apron, because I don't normally do that.

Now, having done that, you then need to add all the other ingredients.

I'm gonna throw 'em in here and then we'll go to Laban for some exciting patter.

-Oh.

[babbles] What are you looking for?

Your eggs.

Oh!

-Well.

I couldn't find my eggs.

[laughs] They were over here.

This has so much stuff that it just takes up the entire lower 40, all of the stuff.

You put an egg in there.

And then you put a teaspoon of soda in there, half a teaspoon.

Thank you, Doris.

Doris is being very strict about this today.

-Yes.

She's watching it today, 'cause-- -[Larry] She is.

-[Laban] you know, last week, she was inattentive.

And look what-- -Well, she was and she messed us up real badly.

A half a teaspoon of salt.

Did someone get me some?

-[Laban] Yep.

-[Doris] Behind the milk.

-It's right behind the milk.

-Oh.

-[Laban laughs] -[laughs] I'm sorry.

I'm having some problems today.

There we go.

And a half teaspoon of cloves.

I'm gonna get some of the stuff off [indistinct].

-You know, when Larry has a recipe like this, I always think we ought to have the Pointer Sisters come in and "I'm so excited."

[laughs] -'Cause I'm jumping around.

[laughs] Well, I just gotta get this part down.

-And I just can't fight it.

[laughs] -A teaspoon of cinnamon.

And I got this big one that I found out that Tootsie left me in her will.

This is no joke.

She left this to me, and this is what I got to show for it.

-Criminitlies, it must be about how old now?

-How much?

A teaspoon, there we go.

Oh, it-- it still smells relatively.

[Laban] Not bad, not bad.

-It's not bad for 20-year-old cinnamon.

[laughs] -Uh-huh.

-And two cups of raw diced apples-- I'll get to the apples and raisins in a couple of minutes.

Right now, I'm just gonna mix that in there.

And then I'll start chopping some apples up, dicing 'em, and we'll throw raisins and other stuff in a minute.

Laban?

-All right.

Now, for the sweetened condensed milk, you need-- and I'm gonna put it into the blender.

Pray for us now.

A stick of softened margarine.

I guess you could use butter, but why do it?

And now-- -I give up.

-into it goes one cup of boiling, fiery hot water and here it is, folks.

And I will-- oh, it's going everywhere, but what else is new?

All right, that cup has certainly been sanitized.

Now you put your little top on it.

Wait a minute, we have to take this off so we don't have a mess.

Now we're going to puree it.

Woo!

You done?

Yup, okay.

Now, we have to make another mixture.

This is going really fast, I'll tell you.

-[laughs] Well, take your time.

-All right.

Oh, the little-- -You know, I have lots of stuff to do.

You don't have to worry about it.

This recipe will-- -All right, now, this is two cups of instant milk.

You know, the kind that comes in a box.

Now let me see if I can get it in here right.

-So, to make condensed milk, you have to at least have instant milk on hand.

[Laban] Yes, you got to have powdered milk.

-There's just something about that that's just a little-- I'm sorry.

-And now, two cups-- -Who has that around?

-Two cups of sugar.

-It sounds like Andre has picked up a right bad cold.

-You know, I saw him in the grocery store the other day and he was just wheezing and carrying on just terrible.

-Well, I think he's sneaking cigarettes again.

-Oh, no.

Bless his heart.

Now, you have to stir all of this up in your cup.

-That'll get him in trouble.

-And then we're going to put it into this other mixture.

So, while I'm-- -Yeah, I need to do some stuff.

[Laban] Alright, well, go ahead and do it.

-Could you have gotten a bigger measuring cup?

[chuckles] I've never seen such-- -[Laban] No, no, no.

You gotta have a big one.

[Larry] Jolly Green Giant's measuring cup.

All right, next thing you gotta do on this recipe, is you have to prepare two cups of pinto beans.

[laughs] It's true, and there they are.

I'm gonna put 'em-- -[Laban] Unseasoned.

-Unseasoned, and it's very, very important.

Yeah, if you fix 'em from scratch, you do 'em in just plain old water, unseasoned.

If you're gonna take the lazy way out like I did and you go out and buy canned ones, make sure you don't get the ones that are seasoned with ham because you will have the first ham-tasting cake in history.

-[laughs] Or fatback, fatback.

-Oh, just the very-- or fatback.

-[Laban] Yeah.

-Oh, even worse.

-Big old slab of fatback.

-So, I got just plain ones and make sure that you reserve just a little bit of the pinto juice/soup because that goes in your icing.

-[Laban laughs] -[laughs] It's true.

Now, make sure you mix these-- am I turning red?

Now, make sure that you wash these things off real good.

And what I'm going to do now-- -[Laban] Individually.

-Individually.

-[Laban] Each little bean.

-Each bean has to be personally-- -[Laban] Showered.

-And bathed, then toweled off.

And then the next thing you start doing is mashing 'em up.

And please make sure that you pay careful attention to mashing 'em because I don't think there's anything ruder, ladies and gentlemen, than eating a piece of cake-- [laughs] -[Laban laughs] -and having a whole bean in your cake.

-[Laban] Well, I don't know, they have that whole-grain bread.

-So just make sure that you mash those up and they're gonna go in our mixture in a couple of minutes.

Two cups' worth.

Okay, Laban?

-[Laban] All right, now.

Is this thing-- -Dreadful, perfectly dreadful.

-All right, now.

Woo!

Now it's on again.

All right.

Now, I'm adding.

the milk and the sugar.

Isn't this fun?

We can't hear a thing.

-Laban, you can be glad you're not doing this recipe.

It wears your arm out.

-[Laban] Oh.

[Larry] I never knew that mashing pinto beans could be so difficult.

-[Laban] Oh, no.

This thing has fluffed up on me real bad.

-[Larry laughs] -Well, Larry, you-- [laughs] Oh, now, there we go.

[Larry] Are you done yet?

-Almost.

Actually, I'm not, but I'm gonna stop, so that you have a choice or a chance to go there.

And I'm scraping the sides down, so you go ahead, and we'll come back over here in a minute or two.

-Okay.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen.

Doesn't this look good?

Mm.

-Mm.

Look at it dripping out there.

-Two cups of-- uh-huh, well, I shouldn't have done it in a colander.

I was too lazy to transfer it.

Anyway, it's two cups of smashed beans go into this [indistinct].

-[Laban] Oh!

[chuckles] I tell you, my flesh is crawling up and down my back.

It's doing service for you.

-Well, you would be surprised-- Johnson hates beans anyway, so I can't imagine he's gonna like this cake.

But that's all right.

So now, you put that in the mixture.

And you would be surprised how much like a cake this starts looking once you add your flour.

[Laban] Oh, it looks like some kind of Mexican dip.

-Well, it-- right now, it really does look like a Mexican dip.

I believe I wish I had brought tortilla chips.

At this point, you add-- what is it, a cup of self-rising flour.

And put that in there, a cup of self-rising flour goes in there.

That's fairly close.

-Lawsy, that's a thick mixture.

-Well, it is.

I'm afraid this poor little pathetic thing won't be able to keep up to it, but we'll try.

-[Laban] Well, it's doing it.

-It'll do all right.

Well, perhaps.

[laughs] Did you notice, it changed speed several times.

-Well, I think it's nice to have that automatic speed in it there.

-And you gotta mix that in there real good.

-I'd love to see you do that with a wooden spoon like they did in the old days.

-[laughs] Well, this is not the old days.

-Tell me about it.

-Alright, there we go.

Doris, I need for you to do something for me.

I need for you.

if this thing ever works again, I wouldn't care.

Wash those off.

Now, what you have to do is add your raisins, a cup of raisins.

and-- oh, I gotta chop up two apples and I've got-- what are these, Granny Smiths?

-[Laban] Yeah.

-I believe they are.

And we're also gonna add some nuts to this at this point.

-[Laban] Nuts?

-Nuts.

Just a few.

Well, that thing doesn't sound right.

That sounds like a wah-wah pedal on that thing.

I've never seen nothing like it.

And we also have to chop up some apples at this point, I'm gonna do that.

And see-- now, doesn't that start looking like-- now, admit this.

This does look like some kind of-- -[Laban] Cake batter.

-Cake batter, doesn't it?

-[Laban] It does.

-It does.

Now I've got to chop some apples, so I'll go and do that.

[panting heavily] It's about to wear me out, this recipe.

And I'll just quick chop a few apples.

Johnson?

-All right.

Well, you really have to let this thing blend for a while to make sure everything gets dissolved.

[Larry] Oh, please don't blend it any more.

-All right.

-[Larry laughs] -It just doesn't sound-- now, it's finished but it's still warm.

Tastes good but it's warm, and you probably wouldn't wanna use it that way.

So, in our refrigerator-- -Oh, good.

-And Doris, how about getting us a couple of spoons so that I can make Larry taste some of this right now.

-Oh, do I have to, Laban?

-Uh-huh, you do.

-Well, you know, I have-- what do they call it when you have a reaction to-- -Allergic reaction?

-[laughs] Oh, thank you, Laban.

Yeah, I needed that.

Alright, now what's that stuff when you can't drink milk?

What's that called?

-Oh, lactose.

-Lactose intolerance, I believe.

-Well, I think this dried milk is, uh, I think it is okay for that purpose.

-It looks mighty thick.

Well, you wouldn't normally eat something like that.

-[crew member] Hm-mm.

-That was pretty interesting.

-[laughs] Tastes just like sweetened condensed milk.

-It really does.

It's not bad, really.

Did you taste it?

It's just real sweet.

-Let Doris taste it.

-[Doris] No, make Laban do it.

-It's just real sweet and syrupy.

Yeah, you notice Laban's not-- Laban's not tasting.

-Well, I think Doris ought to taste 'cause she's the one that needs it for her recipe.

Well, you're right.

It tastes just like-- -It's pretty good.

-Sweet milk.

-Okay, I've got to add the apples now, little chopped apples.

Chop 'em up real fine and add that to the mixture.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the batter portion of the program.

-Is there a gooder one?

[laughs] -[laughs] For batter or worse.

Whatever.

Now, the next thing you have to do is you have to turn it into a tube pan.

And what I do is just real quick take a little vegetable spray.

And by the way, it doesn't say this but you'd better, you had better use a little flour on this or you'll never get it out of that tube pan.

So, that's what I'm gonna do right now.

I'm just gonna dust it lightly.

Almost lost it.

There you go.

Now, turn that into a tube pan.

Your oven will be at 350 degrees for one hour.

-[Laban] Ooh.

-And it does look like a reasonable facsimile of a cake of some kind.

Though I still cannot to save me figure out why in heaven's name you would want to start out with pinto beans on anything that's a dessert, but you know, this probably was-- don't you reckon some pinto bean farmer's daughter came up with this?

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

[laughs] -[laughs] Put it in the oven at 350 degrees for one hour.

Now, the next thing I got to do, if you thought that was bad, is-- Doris, why don't you come in and show your thing while I change round 'cause I gotta get a couple of things done here.

Then I'll do the-- I have to do the icing that goes on top.

[Laban] Oh, isn't that pretty?

-It turned out pretty good.

I had to do a flan and it was sent in from David Seneca of Washington Crossing, Pennsylvania.

And it takes a fourth a cup of sugar, and one 14-ounce can of condensed milk, one whole cup of whole milk, five egg yolks-- do not use the whites.

-[Laban] Ooh.

-[Doris] Yeah, this is too much for you.

-[Laban] Yeah.

-[Larry] Excuse me, Doris.

-[Doris] And then one whole egg, a teaspoon of vanilla and a fourth a teaspoon of salt.

And what you have to do is take your sugar and caramelize it.

And that's tricky.

-[Laban] And how do you it?

-[Doris] I put it in a pan and keep stirring it until it melts.

And you have to be real careful about it.

I looked up a recipe, it doesn't call for water, but I put a little bit of-- [giggles] a little bit of-- well, I'll have to turn Laban, too.

[laughs] -Doris, if you're gonna be on television, see, that's a television camera.

-[Doris] I know.

Well, that's okay.

-You're right.

[chuckles] -I put the sugar in and let it caramelize and put a little bit of water in it so that it wouldn't stick so hard to the container.

My container was cold the first time I did it, and I think-- I did it in one pan and transferred it.

Make sure the container you put it in is warm because that keeps it from getting like candy on the bottom of it.

And then, you bake it in an oven for an hour in another container with water in it.

And it turned out-- it's very good.

We had it the other night, and we really enjoyed it.

It's a good dessert.

-Well, great.

It looks good.

Larry, while you're trying to do that, let me give my recipe real quick.

All you need is a cup of boiling hot water, a stick of butter or margarine, two cups of instant milk and two cups of sugar.

And you mix 'em all together and you have instant sweetened condensed milk.

And Larry's recipe is so complicated and long.

-[Larry] Thank you.

-[Laban] You want me to give it?

[Larry] Please give my recipe while I find everything.

-[Laban] Alright, this Pinto Bean Cake has-- -Can I have a stick of butter?

-One half cup of margarine, one cup of sugar, two cups of unseasoned pinto beans, drained and crushed, one egg, a half teaspoon of soda, a half teaspoon of salt, half teaspoon of cloves, a teaspoon of cinnamon, two cups-- not one, but two cups of raw diced apples, one cup of raisins, one half cup of nuts, like black walnuts, one cup of self-rising flour.

And the icing has a pound, oh my goodness, of confectioner's sugar, two tablespoons of milk or more, one tablespoon of bean juice, one tablespoon of vanilla, and one half cup of margarine.

-Okay.

Speaking of the icing, here we go.

This is the icing that goes on top of, by the way, when it comes out of the oven, it really does look like a cake.

[laughs] That's the first thing you must know.

It worked, and there it is.

Looks just like a cake.

Now, the next thing we have to do is we have to take-- this is for the icing part.

We have to start creaming some more margarine and adding to it.

This is a wonderful mess.

All right, now let me add just a little bit of milk to this mixture.

Oh, you have to add-- this is the gross part, a tablespoon of bean soup.

That's the stuff that the beans come in.

-[Laban] Ohh!

-This hurts me to look at it.

Add two tablespoons of milk or more.

That's two.

[Laban] Milk or more, sounds like a supermarket.

[Larry] Alright, and now hopefully-- and a little vanilla goes in there also.

That's two percent milk I'm using to take care of Mr. Johnson's heart.

Although recently, they've said-- alright, and this is gonna be your icing and you'll just make it as thick or as thin as you want it to be.

I'm gonna make it thin so I can sort of drizzle it over the top.

[Laban] Uh-huh.

-And I still have to work a little bit more of this in there and I hope I don't get that bag caught in there.

Wouldn't that be awful?

-[Laban] Oh.

[Larry] I'm gonna add just a little more milk.

I'm gonna add just a little more milk to that.

There you go, just to thin it out a little bit.

[Laban] Well, you know, it's an attractive kind of icing.

-It's real thick, just like everything else in this recipe.

-You want me to hold the bowl?

-No.

It's all right.

[Laban] All right.

-Ha!

It really is.

Now, if I just had something to put it on there with.

Oh, I think I'll just use this spoon.

And you can just dollop the stuff on there however you want to.

Isn't that attractive?

-It is.

It's real pretty.

-[laughs] It's just so lovely.

And I'm just gonna put it across the top for an extra little-- -Poor old Martha Stewart is rolling in her grave.

-[laughs] And she's not even dead yet but she's gonna be by the time she gets finished watching.

That's real pretty.

Now-- -[Laban laughs] -[laughs] Sorry, I'm running out of time and I'm tired.

I'm sweating like a pig.

[Laban] Oh, no.

What a rude thing to say.

Well, wait a minute.

-Sweating like a pig.

-Where's our great, big, huge-- -What?

-Here it is.

-What's that?

Oh, a little hot cider here today.

- I think it's, uh, hard-- -Is this some that Harold ran up over the weekend?

-Oh, I'm trying to-- -Mm, it's-- [laughs] Well, Johnson, how terrible.

There was a big spoon that you could have done this with.

-Well, look at these pieces.

-He's picking the flan out of the-- -Put it over here.

-tablecloth, ladies and gentlemen.

While he's doing that, let me just give you a big old slab of Pinto Bean [laughs] Cake.

-You know, I'm just so excited.

Oh, I can't wait.

Oh!

It looks so-- -Oh, those are walnuts there.

They're not beans.

-[Laban] Oh, okay.

I thought they were beans.

You know, I don't like beans.

I'm sorry.

-He got all excited.

He thought he saw whole pinto beans in the cake and he didn't 'cause I mushed 'em all up real good.

Those are apples and walnuts in there, is what they are.

Well, I'm just such a mess that I just don't even think I'll get through this.

-Maybe-- let me get some of the icing.

-You'll have to excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

I have to settle for a couple of minutes.

I am just completely worn out.

You know, I'm just too old to do a cooking show anymore.

What do you think of it?

-It's real good.

It is.

-Did you hear that?

The Pinto Bean Cake is real good.

-And you can hardly tell there's beans in it.

-[laughs] I don't wanna hear it that you can hardly tell.

-I mean, it tastes-- it tastes like a fruit cake, it does.

Better than that.

-And this is one of the few flans that I've ever liked.

I refuse to get 'em in Italian restaurants 'cause I say they're just big rubbery things with syrup on it.

But this one is very nice.

Did you do this or did Harold do it?

-[Laban] Mm.

-[chuckles] Listen to Harold.

Well, I haven't tried the pinto bean cake myself.

-Well, go ahead and try it.

But stay away from me.

[Larry chuckles] -That's a great cake.

It is.

-Ooh, yes, and that cider is real good.

-I know.

It's right tart, don't you think?

-I know.

I think that it is the fruit of the grape in here, instead of cider.

Uh-huh.

-[Doris] It's mulled wine.

-Doris is-- -It's malt wine.

-Mulled.

-Oh, mulled wine.

-Means she put a hot poker in it.

That's the way they used to do it.

-[laughs] A lot of people have said they wanna do that to us on occasion, but anyway.

Mm-mm-mm.

-[laughs] Well, ladies and gentlemen, this would be perfect any time you wanted to make it.

It would be great for a holiday.

-A Pinto Bean Cake?

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

-Let me tell you something.

If I was gonna serve this at home, I'm gonna tell you, I would never tell anybody until after the fact what they were eating-- why bother?

I mean, why distress all your guests?

-It's like that-- yeah.

-I mean, well, suppose you're coming through the door, and you say, "Hi, I have something special for you tonight, a pinto bean cake."

Do you think anyone's gonna eat that?

I'd just keep it a secret.

-[Laban] They might.

Well, it would come out eventually.

[all laugh heartily] -I'll drink to that.

-Yes, so will I.

-And here's to your health.

-Cheers.

-And here's to a quick countdown.

I'm telling you.

-[laughs] It reminds me that Pinto Bean Pie we did that time.

-That's right, we did do one of those.

And you know, everyone that I've told I was gonna do this has heard of Pinto Bean Pie.

But no one had ever heard of Pinto Bean Cake.

-Well, they have now.

-And I still really just wonder why.

-This flan is really good but it's an artery clogger.

-It really is.

You can just hear those corpuscles slammin' shut.

-Mm, mm, mm.

-Well, hey.

-We'll see you next time.

-More fun than a barrel of monkeys.

-Bye.

-We'll see you around, folks.

Bye.

[♪♪♪]