- Hi, I'm Hermene Hartman with N'DIGO Studio and today we're going to have fun, talking about a favorite subject, dear to your heart.

Romance, marriage and dating.

A new study just revealed that Americans are getting married later in life.

In mid years, from 40 to 59 years old.

Women, first marriage, has increased by 74% and for men, 45% since the 90s.

First time American marriages don't occur these days until 40 to 59 years old.

Can you believe it?

I wonder why.

Well, women sometimes not having children, taking careers instead.

Or perhaps you're taking care of an older parent.

Or maybe because they've been disillusioned by romance.

We're gonna talk about it today because technology has also changed the romance game, because now we're looking at dating apps to find that right person.

COZY Conversations drop the knowledge.

That for real... Funding for this program was provided by State of Illinois Representative LaShawn Ford, Community Trust, the Field Foundation, Commonwealth Edison, Broadway, Chicago and Governors, State University.

So we all know that the world has changed and it's changed in so many ways, even in romance, even in dating.

So we've got technology now and we use it for dating also.

So now we've got three experts with us, and we're going to talk about the new ways of dating with apps.

So Mr. Nyatu Marvel is a dating relationship consultant and his social media is hich agency whereby he gives us dating tips.

And Cynthia Mr.Jemison is a managing partner with a commercial real estate firm, and she's very fluent with dating apps.

And Mr.Terron Cain is a medical worker, and he too is well versed in dating apps, but he prefers the old fashioned way face to face.

So, Cynthia, let me start with you.

You've used dating apps like Fish, OkCupid and Tinder.

Tell me, what do you do to create the right profile for the dating app?

Very easy.

So you want to make sure that you present your best version, but also an honest version.

So as a woman, men are very visual.

You know, you have to understand that.

So you have to make sure you have a full body photo.

You have to make sure that it's very accurate, because if they see you in person and you don't look like your photo, it'll be a scene from Friday all over again.

Like, I don't need someone.

That.

I'm not.

The way I was.

Right.

Right.

I you definitely want to focus on the photos.

I think more than anything when it comes to a woman's profile.

Figures what you're saying.

All right.

Okay.

Right.

So do the dating apps differ?

Is there a real difference between the dating apps or are they pretty?

Absolutely.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Tinder has a purpose.

Generally, Tinder is for intentional entanglements, is what we will call them.

OkCupid is if you're looking for more of a relationship, plenty of fish is completely free.

So it's kind of like a mosh pit.

You get a little bit of everything.

And now there's Bumble.

I have a few friends on Bumble and it's where the woman has to approach the man.

That's a whole.

Different.

Different.

Okay, so how do you know the favor?

The flavor of these dating apps.

How do you know that?

I just know from having friends and having conversations about it, there's nothing on the site that tells you, right?

There's nothing on the site that tells you this is what this is for.

Okey dokey.

Okay.

So, Gerren, how did dating apps affect you?

And what what if your experience has been?

For myself, I don't have a lot of experience far as dating apps like Tinder or Hinge or anything like that.

Are a lot of social media sometimes like you're on Twitter or Instagram, you might see somebody, as you call it, a sign and a DM.

So it's like you say it again sliding in the deal.

What does that mean?

So on Instagram related social media, they have a message pretty much that you're sending to a person, but you don't.

It's like this exchange between you.

It's like a text message.

So you initiated or the woman in it could be either or.

So it's a lot of different, different approaches you can come with.

All right.

So, Mr. Marble, if I'm coming to you for consultation and dating, what happens?

What's what do you ask me?

What do I do?

How does that work?

Well, the first thing I would ask you is what is your desired result?

Right.

So I can't coach you or consult you to where you want to go unless I know what it is you're looking to get out of the dating situation.

So.

Okay, so.

If I say I want to get married, I.

Want to get married.

Okay.

You're dating intentionally.

Don't.

Don't.

You'll take this seriously.

Okay.

You're.

You're dating intentionally.

Like you're dating for a marriage.

And so that should be your approach.

Some people are just dating for fun.

Other people have a goal in mind.

And so there's a different approach when you're looking to end up married.

Okay, So.

So.

So what's the approach?

What's the approach you want to be taken seriously?

Right.

And so the type of questions you ask, how you present yourself, all the things, these things come into play, but there is no one size fits all.

So I customized my advice to the individual.

So it would depend on what your career situation is.

It would depend on whether you not have children.

All of these things impact your ability to date and how you date.

So do you match people up?

Sometimes.

But I don't call myself a professional matchmaker.

But you just happen to know this nice lady and this nice man and she likes the movies and he likes I say, Why don't you all go?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Okay.

So I was told that from your agency that you do something very different and you talk about going out on a date in a restaurant.

Absolutely.

Tell me how that works.

Well, I am a foodie and Chicago is one of the best foodie cities in the world.

And so I'm not only love to taste great food, but I love restaurants that have great atmosphere, great ambiance and great energy.

And that can really affect the date.

If a man is choosing to take a woman out on a date, the restaurant selection can put you over the top or it can kill you if you don't, if you don't get it right.

And so greasy spoon versus the white tablecloth, right?

Absolutely.

But sometimes the greasy spoon can be an experience as well.

It really just depends.

There are some greasy spoons.

They have a lot of love and warmth in them.

And so a brunch at a greasy spoon with BYOB, champagne and mimosas can set the stage, too.

So it's not all about how much money you spend in the white tablecloth.

Ok So now, Cynthia, what's your experience been Have you have you found Mr. Wright and Mr.

Wonderful from the dating app?

I found a mr.

Right now a few times, actually.

Data from.

Mr. Wright.

They got.

To see.

Mr. Wright now.

After right now, a few times.

Okay.

I ended up dating someone for three years, ironically, off of Tinder from from there.

But my current I've met in person.

So so so the dating app worked for you?

It did for a while.

Okay.

So what is it?

What's this word called?

What's this?

Catfish.

How do you avoid catfishing?

Which means false information about the person or false look, but it's not real.

How do you avoid that?

So like most women, I'll say many women.

I am an investigator.

So I am going into a photo search.

I'm going to What's your Facebook name?

So if we have mutual friends, talk to mutual friends.

Do you know this person?

Is he a creep?

I'm going to do all types of research before I even see your face in person.

Okay, So you go check a person.

Oh, absolutely.

You do a resume thing and apps, look at me.

Now, on that note, you all just got some good dating tips and some dating experiences and the apps that you can use.

So if you want to date, it's a new way of doing it.

Joining me in the living room are my friends Mr. Mr. Al and Cheryl Grace.

Mr. Al and Cheryl Grace.

They're on their second marriage.

They've been married for six years.

And Cheryl is a communicator, and marketer, and author.

And Mr Al Grace is a financier and co-founder of Loop Capital, an Investment Firm.

So let me ask you, Cheryl.

I wanna start with you, because you've got some very definite ideas about dating, and strategies, and sensibilities for the second time around.

Tell me what you think about that?

- Well we're thrilled to be here, because the strategies work.

(Hermene laughs) That's why we're here.

- You've got proof in the pudding, right?

(Cheryl laughs) - Proof in the Al.

- So I just think that a lot of women, after the age of 40, 45, tend to not think that they have to be intentional about finding love.

And so you do have to be intentional.

When I decided after 16 years of being divorced, that I wanted to be married again, I was very intentional about going after the type of person that I thought my heart needed.

Not even just for the second time around.

- First time too?

- It applies to the first time too.

- Okay.

- Because, I have a lot of friends who are 50 or older, who never got married.

Beautiful women, successful women.

But I think the older you get, the pool of men tend to, it tends to dry up.

And then you think you don't need to be intentional, that it's just gonna happen.

That if you leave your porch light on, you know, a guy's riding by is going to know that that means that you're single, and love does not happen like that.

So when I, after 16 years, decided I did want to be married again, 'cause I make a great wife, don't I, honey?

I make a great wife, we're not gonna wait for an answer.

But I was very intentional about going after love the second time.

- Okay, so now you developed a journal.

- I did.

- That gives you a strategy.

- It does.

- That you have made public?

- Yes.

- That you shared called "FAB Girls Dating Journal."

- Yes.

- Tell me what's in that journal.

- And the subtitle is the "Kissing Frog Tracker."

Right?

'Cause we need to track the number of frogs we may have to kiss in order to find love.

And usually that's what stops women.

They don't wanna go out on the dud dates, they don't wanna have to experience that.

But actually, you have to recognize, it's a numbers game.

So the more people you go out, the more opportunities you're gonna have to meet somebody who like, floats your boat.

So that means you're gonna kiss some frogs so you might as well adapt to it.

And learn to turn those into stories that you can share over cocktails.

Learn, if this is gonna be your first marriage, learn that those are the stories that you can tell your grand babies.

Like, you know, "I didn't meet G-Pa until after I had dated so and so and let me tell you about him."

Right?

So you need to lean into the adventure of dating.

- The adventure of dating.

So Mr. Grace, what are you thinking about the adventure of dating, and the strategies of it all?

- I didn't necessarily have any strategies.

(Hermene laughs) Because I wasn't intentional about getting married.

getting married.

So it so I didn't come at it in that in that fashion.

- Did you wanna remarry?

- You know, I wasn't sure.

I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do And it happened that she came along because I got a I was not necessarily looking for any- - So, how'd you all meet?

- Hmm.

- Strategy number one.

Tell everybody you know that you're looking for a healthy, monogamous, committed, relationship.

That you're ready for love.

- Tell your girlfriends.

- I told all my girlfriends.

Told the people that I work with, told the people at the receptionist desk.

And honestly, friends introduced us.

So go ahead.

Take it from me.

- So you call that the manhunt?

- It's a part of the manhunt strategy.

There is a manhunt strategy that incorporates like three to four steps that you need to take.

- So step one, tell everybody.

- Tell everybody!

Everybody.

- Step two.

- Step two is make sure you have drafted out what qualities you're looking for in a guy.

You can't have a long laundry list and expect to find one man who's going to answer every single item on that list.

And a lot of women do that and they're not then prepared when they can't find the absolute, 100%, perfect guy.

'Cause perfect guys, just like perfect women, we don't exist.

And so you have to narrow down and have a a minimum of three Deal breakers.

A minimum of three.

I didn't say 15, I didn't say 20.

Like these three things.

And the less superficial they are, the better.

Right?

So it doesn't have to do with height and hair color, and weight, and any of that.

You wanna look for something that is going to really communicate with your core, with your heart.

- So, you remember Reverend Johnnie Colemon?

- I do.

- So, she used to lecture on that and say, "Stop looking for a look and start looking for a man."

- Yes.

- "Write what you want down on a piece of paper and talk about the qualities and then you will find what you're looking for."

- Absolutely.

- So, did you know these strategies were being applied to you?

Did you know the hunt was on?

- You know, I think I was played quite well.

in in retrospect, now that I know that these strategies.

- Oh you didn't know at the time?

- No, I didn't know.

No, I didn't know they were going on.

But as I started to see...

I've seen what she talks about theoretically, if I reflect upon it, I've seen it in practice.

(Hermene laughs) - You were captured?

- Well, the ghosting time.

- Ghosting.

- Yeah.

Maybe you could share that and then how your response was and how thoughtful it was.

- So tell me about ghosting, Cheryl.

- So, you know, ghosting happens now and ghosting is when you are dating someone or communicating with them regularly, and then suddenly they disappear, like Casper, the ghost.

- Okay - So it's called ghosting.

- Okay - All right?

And Al and I had been dating for a couple of months and we were having text conversations every day, we were going out regularly, we were having a great time.

And we went out right before the Christmas holiday, had a fabulous date.

And I didn't hear from him the next day.

- He disappeared?

- Or the next day.

- He was gone?

- Nine days.

- Why'd you do that?

- Why'd you do that, Alby?

Did you get scared?

Oh, no.

I had taken a trip and.

And I taking a trip.

So I disappeared.

It was.

It was a trip that I'd already committed to before, you know.

But you didn't tell her?

- No, I did not, 'cause I didn't know how that was gonna go over 'cause I was not traveling alone.

traveling alone.

So I thought that my girls, you know, - Disruption.

- [Al] Yeah, disruption.

- Little disruption.

- And who wants that around the Christmas season?

- You know what I mean?

- [Hermene] That's right.

(Cheryl laughs) Oh that's right, you don't need disruption around that.

- Who needs that, you know?

- So let me ask you this, about second marriages.

You know, the saying, second time around is really better?

Do you think it's better perhaps, because you've had practice with the first marriage or maturity with the first marriage?

Why is second time around better?

- You know, and I don't know if it's necessarily second time around is better.

I think second time around you know more about who you are, and what you want, and what you need.

And being able to vocalize "That doesn't work right there for me."

And do it without... 'Cause you come at it as adults, and you know that, if you're talking about the demographic, you're talking about, they have life experiences and they have ideas and they kind of know who they are.

And you understand too, that you're not going to change anybody.

So what you have is what you have.

- What you see if what you get, right?

- And that's the, you know, what do you say, your representative, that you say?

- So when you're just dating, you know, you bring your best self forward, as opposed to bringing your whole self.

And that's not really the best way to go into a situation.

- That's representation.

- Representation.

You wanna bring your whole self.

Not bringing the representation of who you want people to think you are.

- But do you do it in stages?

Is it a gradual kind of thing?

It's not all in the first date.

- I think it happens in the normal course of things.

- Okay.

- You know?

- Which is why I think you- - You can't unload, you know?

- Yeah.

Don't figure out.

- It's not too much.

Don't have too much and then it go nowhere that's announced.

How long, how long did you all date before you got married.

How long do we date there.

We go to another one of these strategies.

You know the story better than I do.

- So let me ask you this.

- You were there.

- You all were both, corporate America, successful, entrepreneurs.

High on the chain of executive-ness.

Do you think that those skills that we use in business, planning, objectives, budget, all of that, all of that, do you think that carries Do you think that carries over into marriage, for success of marriage?

- I'm gonna let Al answer first and then I'm gonna give my answer.

- No, ladies first.

- Mm-mm, go answer that one.

- Let me see if I... are you saying, do you use the same skill set?

- Do you use, those are skill sets that you, corporate, you do that every day.

It's second nature to you.

And I'm saying does it carry over?

I mean, first time around it doesn't, because you don't know it yet, but your second time around, you do know it and it's a skill.

Does that carry over into second marriages?

- Well, you know, this is a bit different.

I think it probably could, or does, But because of her business, our conversations have many facets to them.

And she's one of the most creative people I've ever met and the hardest working person I've ever seen.

- Aw.

- No, seriously, 'cause I can see it goes... see I have ADD, I couldn't sit somewhere and work 16, 18 hours straight.

And I see her do it and like forget she hasn't eaten and that kind of stuff.

But I think because of that added element, our conversations go the whole realm from romantic to business.

- Okay.

And sometimes the business is very romantic.

She says it's actually sexy.

But- (laughs) - I love when he talks numbers.

(Al laughs) - I was curious, don't you love when he talks about money?

- Ooh that's sexy.

- That's such a great conversation - It is, it is.

But so I think it probably does.

But but, but ours is just so dynamic.

- Yeah.

So it's a lot of facets.

I mean, it's from apple picking to balance sheets.

You know what I mean?

So you- - How many apples we gonna pick?

- No, we really do pick apples.

- We wouldn't pick that many.

Well, I mean, I'm saying from apple picking to balance sheet.

I don't know, you know, riding the car to taxes.

I mean, it's- - [Hermene] It's dynamic.

- Yeah.

- And it flows.

- Cheryl, give me that fourth tip.

- Yeah so- - You gave me three, give me that last one.

- Let your girly girl shine.

Let your girly girl shine through.

- What's the girly girl?

- The girly girl is that inner girl in you, that laughs and giggles and flirts and touches.

A lot of women, especially the more successful that they have become, they pull back on the girly girlness.

And guys respond to the girly girl.

So, my Alby, I touch him all the time.

I was touching him when we were doing the makeup.

It's like, you know, they want to feel special.

So, I try to turn down, as much as I can, I don't do it 100%, but I try to turn down the business Cheryl when we're at home, and bring out the girly girl.

- See, that's what I was talking about.

Do you cook?

- He cooks more.

- Al cooks more?

- Oh yes.

- So let let me tell you a conversation, I'mma keep the names out because you know them all.

(Cheryl and Al laugh) - Okay - I don't know them.

- Yes you do, you know 'em too.

But anyway, girlfriends.

And we were talking and my mother wasn't listening, but she was very much listening.

(Cheryl laughs) And we were talking about the men thing and he's so cheap or he's this or he's that.

It was all of what he wasn't.

And my mother came in and she says, "I wanna ask you all a question."

She said, Do you cook?

And we all kind of looked at each other and she said, "No, you all trying to go out."

She says, "Let me give you all a old adage, a piece of advice.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

She said, "Y'all come back next week, but y'all got some homework to do.

Next week I want you to cook for your man."

And everybody did and went and cooked, then everybody came back and said, "He got better."

(laughter) - Well, you know, wisdom.

- He's a good cook and... - Better cook than you?

- No.

- Oh wow.

Okay.

I'll buy that.

- But, cooks more frequently than you?

- Cooks more frequently.

- That'll work.

- Yeah.

- That'll work.

- But he likes to cook.

I like to entertain.

There's a difference.

- That's right.

- Yeah.

- You like to set the table, get the flowers.

- I like to eat.

- Get to do all that.

- He like to eat.

- So you fix it.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Alright.

So Al when's dinner?

(all laugh) - But bring out that girly girl, so that when he does cook, it is Hercules!

Hercules!

Hercules!

- (laughs) You are crazy!

- Celebrate what he does.

- That's right.

- Because it's not something you should take for granted.

- All right.

So let's give a sum up.

- Okay.

- For the man hunt, the strategy.

- The strategy - For the fabulous dating.

- Yes.

- Four things.

- Number one, is make sure you have a plan.

And number two is make sure that you tell everybody, right?

- [Hermene] That you're looking.

- That you're looking.

- [Hermene] Okay.

- Bring out your girly girl.

- [Hermene] All right.

- Number four, is make sure you share what you want with the guy.

- The values, the relationship.

- The value, the relationships and where you want a relationship to go.

- When did you do that?

- Third date.

Third date.

- Third date?

- I was on a mission.

I didn't have a lot of time.

You get in these relationships and you waste two years, five years.

And then you find out that they're not looking for the same thing.

So the third date I ask him, "You've been married for almost 30 years, is that something you even wanna do again?"

Because if it's not, why am I gonna spend more time with this?

- To your question, we went out, and the time when she said, "Would you be interested, would you consider getting married?

I said, "Sure," I mean, I wouldn't rule it out, but because you never say 'cause you never say never, to anything.

She told me, "Well, look, I'll give you two years, because I'm not going to sit here with you."

- And fool around, waste my time.

- And make sure that we're both moving toward marriage.

- Okay.

- That that's what we're moving toward.

So then he was 89 days past his expiration date When he was 89 days past his expiration date.

- What happened was Vanity, that used to be Prince's protege, died.

And she's in the airport, six o'clock in the morning, she calls me and she said, "Vanity died."

And I said, "Who the hell's Vanity?"

I thought it was one of her girlfriends.

But that brought home to her that life, you know, is precious and you don't know what's gonna happen.

So she called me and said, "Hey, you 89 days past, what you going to do?"

- Yeah.

And if you don't wanna get married, I love you enough to respect that, 'cause I want you to be happy, but I wanna be happy too And what I want is I do wanna be married.

And if you don't want that, then I'm gonna need you to release me back into the wild, while I can still catch somebody else.

Who ask who asked who.

Who did the proposal?

- Well, you know, I sat and I thought about it and I said (all laugh) Because I love her, I said, you know, "If I stayed out here and I was dating," and I said, "If I was searching, what would I search for?

What would I be searching for?"

And I realized that I'd be searching for something I already had in front of me.

So then I said, well, I said, "Come on."

(laughter) - You said let's do this!

- Let's do it.

- I love it.

- Come on.

- Thank you.

- But most women don't do that.

Most women don't stand up for themselves and say- - And confront it.

- Yeah.

- But you gotta be- - This is what I want.

- But when you do that confrontation, you gotta be ready for the no.

- Yes.

- Oh, yeah.

- Absolutely.

- You gotta be ready for no.

So I went with a guy and we began the conversation on marriage, but he'd been married five times and I told him, "You are not marriage material.

Let's not go there."

- Right.

- "Let's not talk about it.

Let's not think about it.

Because five women..." - Yeah.

- "They can't all be wrong.

There's something wrong with you."

- Right.

- It's like that old game.

- The old common denominator.

- And it's not like something, I mean, we're having fun, we're having a great time.

I said, "But you might be the romance guy."

- Yeah.

- "But not the husband."

There are people like that in life.

- They just don't get it.

- People like that.

- Or just don't work.

- I had one guy say, you know, "I'd make a great husband.

Ask any of my ex-wives."

(laughter) - See that's, it was like, how many would that be?

- Right - Five No, I don't think so.

On that note, ladies and gentlemen, now that you've got the war strategy, these ladies use them because Al will tell you they work a man at work.

- It worked.

- Expiration dates.

- Oh!

- They work.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We got good stuff, y'all.

We got good stuff.

(Cheryl laughs) - You good?

For more information about this show.

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter funding for this program was provided by State of Illinois Representative Larson for Community Trust, the Field Foundation, Commonwealth Edison, Broadway, Chicago and Governor's State University, (MUSIC) N'digo Studio.