-Hi.

I'm Lewis Howes, "New York Times" best-selling author and entrepreneur, and welcome to "The School of Greatness," where we interview the most influential minds and leaders in the world to inspire you to live your best life today.

In this episode, we sit down with Marisa Peer who's been named one of the best therapists in the UK working for over three decades with international superstars, CEOs, royalty, and Olympic athletes.

And today she teaches us how we can take back the power over our thoughts to increase our positive thinking, change our interpretations, and become more confident.

I'm so glad you're here today.

So let's dive in, and let the class begin.

♪ ♪ If we're so focused on negative thoughts, how do we even get to the place of stopping those thoughts and starting to heal from years or decades of thinking negatively?

-If you think a thought, a thought has a physical reaction in your body immediately and an emotional response.

If I think I'm embarrassed, I might blush.

If you say something moving, my eyes might fill up with tears 'cause my body is reacting to thoughts.

And if it could all be taught that early on, you react to thoughts, that's a fact.

Here's another great fact -- you can change your thoughts any time you like, and if you change your thinking, it changes your entire life.

So, for instance, we're all saying, "I'm stuck at home."

I go, "No, I'm safe at home."

-Hmm.

-Stuck, safe.

You change one little word, it changes everything.

So we say, "I'm trapped.

I'm in a lockdown."

You know, we're not actually trapped.

They're not sealing up the doors like they did in the plague.

In the plague, they sealed your doors, and you couldn't physically get out.

But we are asked to stay indoors.

We still go out for walks.

We go out to the store.

We go to the pharmacy.

We're not stuck.

We're not locked in.

We're not trapped.

We're not in prison.

It's not an apocalypse.

It's not Armageddon.

But if you start to use those words, it begins to feel exactly as if it is that case.

So if you just understand how you are, everything changes.

So our ancestral brain is like, "Flee, fight, freeze.

I can fight, I can flee, I can freeze."

And I'm like, no.

If you can't fight and you can't flee, don't freeze.

Flow.

I can't fight, I can't flee, but I can flow.

And it's your job to change the interpretation.

And if you can change the interpretation, it will change your entire life.

-How do we change the interpretation to go from flee or fight or freeze to flow?

-Well, first of all, you think, "What does this mean?

What does this mean?

And can I change the meaning of it?"

When I can change the meaning, it will change my life, 'cause the meaning is yours to change, and the interpretation is yours to change.

But the fastest way is to look at words.

Am I saying "apocalypse," "Armageddon"?

-Hmm.

Why -- looking at your words first -- why is that so important?

-Because the way you feel about everything every minute of every day is only down to two things -- the pictures you make in your head and the words you say.

But you could make that even simpler and say, "Forget about the pictures," 'cause the words make the picture.

You know, obviously, I'm not visual and I can't see stuff, but if I say to you, "Lewis, think of anything, but you may not think of an orange snowman, especially one whose snow is the same color as the carrot in his nose," you're gonna think of an orange snowman.

And so when you hear words, they make pictures.

When you say, "Don't think about blushing, don't think about falling" -- you know, I paddleboard every day, and I notice if you go, "Oh, God, I'm wobbling here, I'm gonna fall," I've never, ever, ever fallen off 'cause I don't think about falling.

I think about balance and how much I like it.

But when you say a word, you make a picture, and even the words you use in front of words make a picture.

You can say, "This is driving me crazy.

I'm going insane."

There's a picture.

Or you can say, "It's a challenge.

It's interesting.

It's an opportunity."

'Cause they don't make a picture.

When you say, "I'm starving" -- that's what people do -- come in the house, "I'm starving.

I could eat a horse.

I'm dying of hunger."

See, what you're doing, which most people don't know, is that 500 years ago, the thing that killed us more than anything else was not disease, and it wasn't war.

It was hunger.

-Mm.

-And we were wired to be scared of hunger, so when you say to your body, "I'm starving, I'm dying of hunger, I could eat a horse," your mind goes, "Oof, that's that dangerous thing that could kill you.

You have an appetite here that regulates what you eat, but if you say you're starving, I'll put that on hold so you can eat..." -So much.

-"...you can stand in front of the fridge and eat so much stuff.

And then when you've eaten, you still feel hungry 'cause you just told me you were starving."

-So you're saying that using the words, "I'm starving," or "I'm okay, I don't need food," whatever you say is going to manifest in the body.

-And you just have to think, "How could I change it?

Am I really starving?

I don't think I've ever been starving.

I've been hungry, but I have never been starving.

Could I really a horse?

No, not even a horse's leg."

Of course you couldn't.

"Am I really dying of hunger?"

That takes at least 12 days, probably even longer.

So then you think, "Why would I lie to myself and delude myself?

How about saying the truth?

I need to eat.

I'm ready to eat."

But you have to talk to yourself.

You know, we're all taught if you can talk to your customers, you'll have a great business.

If you can talk to your kids, you'll be a great parent.

But no one says, "But you need to talk to yourself."

That is the most important conversation you'll ever have, the one you have with yourself.

"This relationship is killing me.

This kid is killing me.

I'm dying under my work load.

This freeway makes me want to die."

It's not true.

Why don't you say the truth?

That this commute is a challenge?

-It's challenging, yeah.

-"I've got all these audiobooks to listen to.

I've got some snacks in my car.

I'm prepared for the challenge."

Rather than, "It's killing me," so... -What happens when we say, "This is killing me" over and over again?

What happens?

How do we manifest that?

-Yeah, if you say that, your mind's job is to keep you alive on the planet.

It doesn't actually care if you're happy.

People think, "My mind's job is to make me happy."

No, it's not.

It's to make you live long enough to reproduce yourself.

And, actually, that takes the first 30, so you've got another 70 left.

So our mind's job is a little confusing to our mind.

But, you know, we are ancestral people in very modern bodies.

And when you say, "My job is killing me," it goes, "Don't go to that place called job."

-Mm.

-"And if you keep going to that place called job and keep saying it's killing you, I'll just give you a nice ulcer.

I'll keep you at home now."

Because your mind is designed to keep you alive, and so if you say you hate something -- people say, you know, "This guy -- oh, he ripped out my heart, stamped all over it, and threw it in the trash."

Really?

I think he got bored with you, darling.

And you know what?

If he'd stuck around, you probably would have got bored with him.

He was just your starter relationship.

He taught you a lot, and you learned to l-- and everything he loved in you.

But he didn't take it.

When he packed his washbag and left, he didn't put in it all the things that made him like you.

They're still in you.

He couldn't take them home.

And everything he liked in you is still there.

And you can find a way better person that loves you more.

But when you say to your mind, "He ripped out my heart, stamped all over it, he killed me," the mind goes, "You know what?

Don't have another relationship."

-Mm.

-"Stay single."

What is interesting is we in RTT have something called role, function, purpose.

So we say to people, "If this headache had a role, what would it be?

If these panic attacks had a purpose" -- and they come up with the most profound stuff, but it's only ever three things.

In 30 years, it's always the same three.

"The panic attacks protect me.

You know, my dad wanted me to be a family lawyer like him, but when I got panic attacks, he said, 'Oh, you could never do that.

No, you can't.

How could you ever be in court with panic attacks?'

So they protected me from this expectation..." -Mm-hmm.

-"...I knew I could never meet."

The second thing is, "They punish me."

You think, "Why would my mind punish me?"

But when I talk to people, they'll go, "Yeah, you know, I had an affair with my friend's boyfriend, and it caused so many problems.

And now I've got colitis.

I've got autoimmune," which means the body is attacking itself.

"When I was 15, I stole money from my mom's purse, and I never told her.

But ever since, I've had this chronic irritable bowel and these terrible headaches.

I blush all the time."

Punishing ourselves is huge.

A lot of people do it.

They don't even know why.

And the third thing is to get attention.

You've all seen kids lying on the floor in the store screaming 'cause they want attention... -That was me.

-...getting sick 'cause they want attention.

-Yeah.

-Many, many children who can't get -- if you can't get the love of your parents, the very next best thing is to be sick.

It's almost as good.

-They have to pay attention.

-Yeah.

See, children have needs, and they're very simple.

"I need to feel loved.

I need to feel significant.

I need to feel protected, and I need to feel I matter.

I need to feel safe."

That's really their needs.

And if these needs are not met for whatever reason, then they have no choice but to do one of four things.

The first is to get sick.

Being sick is so powerful for a child.

Suddenly they do feel loved.

They do feel significant.

They do feel they matter.

They might feel safe 'cause a doctor or nurses are very kind to them.

The second one is to be brilliant.

Doesn't matter at what.

The kids who become outstanding athletes, grade-A students -- -They get all the attention.

-Because they feel validated.

"My parents are really proud.

They're saying, 'Look at my son.

Look at his report.'

Or, "My daughter, the track star.'"

And suddenly they do feel significant.

They do feel they matter.

-And they lean more into that.

-Yeah.

But they can never give that up, and they become adults who are always still having to be the best.

-That was me.

-Mm.

-The sick kids are the adult hypochondriacs.

The third way -- and I'm a therapist, so I can say that was me -- is the carer.

They go, "You know, life isn't fair.

I'm not getting love and attention.

I know.

Why don't I give it?

I'll be a nurse."

And the statistics of nurses who come from that need to give what they haven't got is really high.

That's why it's a calling as much as a profession.

So the next role is the carer.

"I'll go out, and I'll..." -I'll put other people before me.

-"I'll be a nurse.

I'll be a doctor.

I'll be a counselor.

I'll be a therapist."

And they give so much, but they don't receive.

And so the carers' needs are met by giving what they didn't get.

-Mm.

-And the fourth way, which is really interesting, is to be the rebellious, difficult one.

And that usually happens when all the other roles have gone.

"My sister's sick.

My dad's brilliant."

-Mm-hmm.

-"My brother's perfect and caring.

So I'm gonna take my spoon and bang it on the table.

And I'm still doing it 40 years later because I got to get the power off these people.

So I'm gonna be the difficult kid."

-If I can't be the best in the family, and if I can't be the most brilliant, then I have to find some other role."

-Yeah, yeah.

-Can't be the most giving and loving.

I'm gonna be the rebellious one.

What's the difference between feelings and thoughts?

-Well, you can change your thoughts.

So, feel-- it's a good question.

So a feeling is something you feel.

It's come from the body... -It's physical.

-...suddenly.

"I've seen a snake, and I feel -- I've seen a rat, and I feel repulsed."

I remember seeing a rat in my house, and I felt, "Ugh!

A rat.

Horrible."

I mean, I could pick up a hamster.

I could pick up a little gerbil.

-A bunny or something, yeah.

-You know, I could hold a butterfly, or I could hold a ladybug because the picture is, "This is cute."

But I wouldn't hold a cockroach or a dung-eating beetle.

I wouldn't hold a moth.

And so when you get a feeling, you've got a picture, and you feel scared, and the feeling is so instant that we think the feeling comes immediately.

So a feeling -- you have to talk yourself out of a feeling.

Thoughts -- they're also pretty instant, but you can change them very quickly.

"I'm going on a date.

I feel terrified.

No, actually, I don't.

I feel excited."

I've got a choice.

Feelings -- we think we're a victim of our feelings.

We're not.

You can you can choose to interpret a feeling, and thoughts -- you have to make sense of them.

But here's an interesting rule.

Your thoughts control your feelings.

Your feelings control your actions.

And your actions control your events.

Or you could say, your thoughts dictate your feelings.

Your feelings dictate your actions.

And your actions dictate your events.

So that actually says the thought comes first, even before the feeling.

-Really?

-The thought comes first.

And then comes the feeling, and then comes the action.

So all the laws go back to, change your thoughts.

We try so hard.

"I'm gonna change this.

I feel so sad.

I'm gonna change that.

I feel so lonely.

I feel so unhappy."

But actually, if you change your thinking, it will take care of the feeling.

-You won't feel that way.

-No.

It's like if you go and watch a roller coaster, people are screaming, you have -- "Are they screaming 'cause they're terrified or happy?"

Who knows?

But you get to choose what you think about that.

It's a bit like if I had a syringe in my hand right now.

What is that?

Well, if you're having a tattoo, it's very exciting.

It's the way to get inked all over your arm.

If you're in immense pain, that's fantastic.

It's gonna take the pain away.

If you're scared of needles, it's like, "Oh, I feel -- I faint at the sight of needles.

I can't even look at it.

No, no.

I've got raging toothache.

I'm not going to the dentist ever because I don't like needles."

So you don't have a feeling about the needle.

You have a thought, and the thought dictates the feeling.

-I was in college, my senior year of college.

I was -- I wanted to be an all-American decathlete, and I had six months where I made the decision, okay, my dream was to be an all-American my whole life.

I didn't get it in football originally.

I did after this, but I had one season left, which was what I thought.

And I had the track season, and I was a decent sprinter and I could high jump and I could do a few events, but I was not good at any one event in order to make my goal of being an all-American.

But the decathlon, which is 10 events, I was like, "Huh.

Maybe if I put all these together, maybe I could," but I'd never done the pole vault and I'd never done hurdles and a few other events.

And for me, the pole vault was the scariest 'cause I didn't like going upside down.

I didn't like being a little pole 15 feet in the air.

I don't want to bend something and snap and break my neck.

All these fears.

-Mm.

-And I literally did what you said, which was, I made a voice audio recording back then when I was 21.

It was about 8 to 10 minutes long, just essentially hyping myself of, "I love going upside down.

I love bending a pole where it almost snaps and slingshots me to achieve my goal," and just talked about this over and over.

And then every night I would listen to this.

-Yeah.

-I would listen to it before I did the pole vault, and I would watch highlight videos every night before I go to sleep of the best pole vaulters in the world.

And I was horrible at the time, but I took the actions on the thoughts, which made the events a possibility.

-Yeah.

-And I don't even know what I was doing, but I was just like, "I need to trick my mind"... -Mm.

-...until I became confident.

I'm curious.

You talked about, you know, telling ourselves better lies.

How do we become more self-confident or overcome doubt if we've never been confident and then just lie that we are?

-Yeah, well, it's what I call lie, cheat, and steal.

Lie to your mind, cheat fear, steal back the phenomenal confidence you were born with.

So a baby doesn't really have a fear of being upside down on a pole, and a baby would put a cockroach in their mouth if you let them, shove their hands in an electric socket if you allowed them to, touch a really hot oven, because they are fearless.

They're kamikaze pilots.

So I think you should lie to your mind all the time.

You know, when I go on stage, to this day, I still get this tingling in my fingers and tingling in my toes, and I know that it's adrenaline.

And I could go, "Oh, my God.

I'm so nervous.

Look, my hands are shaking now, and I'm really nervous."

So I could go, "I'm so excited.

I love it, love it, love it, love it, love it."

But it's better to say, "This is exciting, this is thrilling, this is amazing," even when it isn't, when someone's putting a needle in your arm and you go, "Ooh, is that gonna hurt?"

Better to go, "I'm so great, and I'm just reading my phone here, and, oh, look at that.

That's fantastic.

I'm oblivious to what's going on in my arm, and by the way, needles is so fine now that I won't even notice it."

-Yeah.

-So it is a lie, but it's a good lie.

And we all lie to -- when you say, "I'm just rubbish.

I'm just useless.

I don't even know why I'm here.

Who's ever gonna want me?"

Well, isn't that a lie?

-That's a lie.

-"I am not enough" is the biggest lie in the world.

That's why I founded the "I Am Enough" movement, 'cause it's a lie.

No baby says, "I'm not enough 'cause I haven't got a dad or I've got any teeth yet or I've got these milk spots, I've got no hair."

And so we when we say, "I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not interesting enough," that is a lie.

-Mm-hmm.

-That's one of the rules of the mind.

You find what you look for.

If you look for what's wrong, of course you'll find it.

If you look for what's right, you'll find that.

If you look for why you're not enough, of course you'll find it.

If you look for why you are enough just the way you are, you're enough because you're enough.

-Yeah.

-So everything is a lie.

-Lie to yourself.

-So tell yourself a better lie.

-Lie, cheat, and steal.

-Well, aren't we all doing that now?

"I'm locked -- I'm in lockdown.

I'm in quarantine."

Nobody's in quar-- Quarantine is when you're in, like, a tent in a hospital.

Nobody can go in.

That's quarantine.

-Yeah, you're fine.

-We're not in quarantine.

We're not cooped up, stuck, trapped.

No one's taken our freedom away.

-You're not prisoner.

-No, we're not in prison, but, you see, this is the lie -- the lies we say.

"I've got to be a grade-A student.

I'm not enough.

I'm rubbish."

-Mm-hmm.

-And you might as well -- since we all lie to ourselves -- "The freeway is killing me."

Isn't that a lie?

"My job makes me want to die."

Well, that's a lie.

"If I get rejected one more time, I'll jump under a train."

But that's a lie.

"I've eaten nonstop for 24 hours."

"Really?

Did you pee?"

"Yes."

"Did you eat while you were peeing?"

"No."

"Did you sleep?"

"Yes."

"Did you eat while you were?"

"No."

So you just said you ate nonstop for 24 hours.

That's a lie.

"My legs are the size of a house."

That's a lie.

"My partner is making me go crazy.

I'm insane with tiredness.

I'm shattered.

I'm exhausted."

They're all lies.

You're not.

You need a bit of sleep.

"My kids are nightmare."

No, they're age-appropriate.

So we all lie, so tell yourself a better lie, and you'll have a whole better life.

-Tell yourself a better lie, live a better life.

-Yeah, and, you know, one of the wonderful things to do with "I'm Enough" -- you see what I mean?

You might notice I have these little bracelets.

They all say "I'm enough," and I wear them.

You should write it on your mirror, write it on your fridge, put it in fridge, use liner or lipstick or marker.

Write it on your mirror, put it on your fridge, put it on your screensaver, put it on your phone alert so it goes off twice a day, and very securely incorporate it into all your passwords.

Imagine if the first thing you do in the morning is clean your teeth and there is -- "I'm enough."

And then your phone pings at 8:00 a.m. -- "I'm enough."

And then you go to unlock your phone.

You go to type in -- obviously dots, squiggles, safe -- "I'm enough."

When you write it, read it, speak it, and see every day it goes in any way, it sinks in, and it makes such a difference.

-Mm-hmm.

-And then it isn't a lie anymore.

It becomes real because, first of all, we say things like, "I'm enough," and your mind goes, "You're not really enough, are you?

Because you buy all your clothes in Target and you live in a shed.

You're not really enough because you got a very lowly job and..." -Your girlfriend left you.

-"...your girlfriend left you.

Your kids won't speak to you.

You're not really enough 'cause you've got cellulite, or you're not really enough because you're not tall."

But then when you keep saying it, what happens is because you're the one objecting, by the way... -Mm-hmm.

-...you run out of objections.

You go, "You know what?

I'm not tall.

Neither is Kevin Hart.

I'm still enough."

-[ Laughs ] -"I'm not a size 2.

Neither is J.Lo.

I'm still enough.

I'm not whatever, but I'm still enough."

You actually run out of objections.

When you run out of objections, then it goes in and then it starts to nourish you.

You know, I always say to people, when you have dry skin and you put on lotion, you nourishing yourself, and your body doesn't go, "Is that lotion fair-trade?

Organic?

Has it got any parabens?"

It just goes, "Oh.

This dryness is being nourished now by some lotion."

But you have to nourish your soul with words, and they go in, too, so nourish your soul with better words.

And there's nothing better than "I'm enough" because its strength is its simplicity.

You were born knowing you're enough.

And so what you're doing is reactivating and remanifesting and regenerating a truth that is your innate birthright.

-Yeah.

-No one came and took it away.

People say like, "Oh, your brother was in my class.

He was so good.

What happened to you?"

Or, "Your sister -- she's so much kinder or neater than you."

So people do chip away at it, but it hasn't gone.

It's just been buried, and you can resurrect it.

-Yeah, it's beautiful.

-Yeah, it's amazing.

-So imagine that it's your last day on Earth many years from now, and you've created every program, every free content, paid program, all the stuff.

You've created it, but you've got to take it with you on your last day, so no one has access to any of it -- the hypnotherapy, the healing stuff.

No one has access to your content, but you get to share three lessons to the world.

This is all you can leave behind... -Okay.

-...these three lessons, or three truths.

What would you say would be yours?

-"I'm enough" would be the first truth.

Always tell yourself you're enough.

Don't let in destructive criticism.

You get to choose.

Not letting it in will change your life.

Talk to yourself better.

Talk to yourself as if you are your own best friend.

We would never say to our best friend, "Oh, you're such a loser.

Oh, my God.

Why did you wear that?

It doesn't suit you.

How could you ever think you could write a book?

That's terrible.

You forgot the best ingredient.

You haven't left.

You don't have enough time to get to the meeting, you idiot."

Talk to yourself like you're your own best friend, your own best lover, your own best parent.

You know, so many of my clients come in and they have what I call the missing bit.

They're still waiting for some absent father to go, "I love you," some withholding parent to go, "You're amazing," some mean teacher that had a bad week to say, "You're smart."

And half the people they're waiting to fill them up are already dead.

So whatever the words are you've been waiting for, say them.

"You're a great kid.

How lucky am I to be your parent?

You're the smartest kid in the school.

You're my favorite.

You're the best friend.

If there was a template for best friend, best girlfriend, husband, lover, kid, you're the template."

Tell yourself that because it becomes true.

-Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Marisa, I acknowledge you for being an amazing gift, an inspiration to so many of us.

-Thank you.

-From all the experiences you've had in your life, from all the the people who have been messed up in the world that you've coached over the years, you've just learned so much, and you make it simple.

You make it easy for us to understand something that seems so painful and challenging.

So thank you for your time, your wisdom.

Make sure you guys check out Marisa's stuff.

It's mind-blowing.

It's powerful.

Appreciate you very much.

Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Thank you.

-We hope you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable for your life.

Make sure to stay tuned for more from "The School of Greatness" coming soon on public television.

Again, I'm Lewis Howes, and if no one has told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

If you'd like to continue on the journey of greatness with me, please check out my website, lewishowes.com, where you'll find over 1,000 episodes of "The School of Greatest" show, as well as tools and resources to support you in living your best life.

-The online course "Find Your Greatness" is available for $19.

Drawn from the lessons Lewis Howes shares in "The School of Greatness," this interactive course will guide you through a step-by-step process to discover your strengths, connect to your passion and purpose, and help create your own blueprint for greatness.

To order, go to lewishowes.com/tv.

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