AUCTIONEER: Who will start me at £100?

£100 for a start they want.

£100 I'm bid.

£100 I'm bid.

Who will give me £110?

Who will make it £110?

I'm looking for £110.

£110.

£110 I'm bid.

Who will make it £120?

Come on, gentlemen.

Who will make it £120?

£120 I'm bid.

It's with you, madam.

At £120.

Do I hear £150?

£150 anywhere?

Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique.

They don't come up every day.

£150.

£150 I'm bid.

Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for £350.

£350 anywhere?

Don't lose it, madam.

Don't lose it for another £50.

£350 anywhere?

£350 I'm bid.

At £350.

Who'll make it £400?

I'm looking for £400.

Any more?

At £350.

Are you all done?

At £350.

At £350.

[ Gavel bangs ] Lovejoy.

Call up 10.

[ Tires screech ] What the hell?

A scam.

An antiques scam.

Not "an."

The scam.

-What?

-It's Venice.

-Well, what in Venice?

-CATERINA: Venice itself.

Great!

How did we get it through customs?

Now that young man knows everything I told him.

That won't be a problem.

Well, if it's not absurd, I don't think you're the kind of people I want to work for.

Well, if it's not absurd, and you don't work for us, wouldn't that make your position rather vulnerable?

Are you threatening me, Caterina?

[ Horse neighs ] [ Tires screeching ] LOVEJOY: Think of the resources that Pinder has backing him up.

Know-how, expertise, manpower.

Money, money, more money.

Go to the police, Lovejoy.

If you're so convinced all these things add up, go to the police.

Can you imagine our local law coming up against that lot?

-I know that look.

-What look?

The look that says you're going to be impetuous, vengeful, irresponsible, and stupid!

Janey!

[ Laughter ] MAN: It's magnifico!

-Nancy, hello.

-Hello!

Nice to see you.

You look lovely.

In the 18th century, Venice abounded with artists, right?

I mean, Canaletto, Tiepolo, Piazzetta, Ricci.

Blokes who used the same boozer but became famous long after they were gone.

And some old collector used to buy all their sketches and doodles and put on each scrap the artist's original name in beautiful copperplate writing.

Nobody knows who he was, but we call him the Reliable Venetian Hand.

-The RVH.

-And you've found one?

"They."

Who are they?

Miss Norman.

She's my best client, so I did not refuse.

Miss Norman who lives at the Palazzo Malcontento.

Si.

You see, she pays for many people to come to Venice through Cosul Tours.

LOVEJOY: And Nancy, the American girl, is one of the tourists?

COSIMA: Yes, that's right.

[ Bell chiming ] [ Gunshot ] -Aah!

-Shh!

Shh!

Listen, you've been shot, but you're okay.

The bullet went right through your shoulder, okay?

The shock made you unconscious for a minute.

-It must have been the hunters.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Aah!

-Shh!

-An accident?

-Oh, sure, an accident.

Listen, Cosima, I don't think it was an accident.

Listen, I don't know how to tell you this.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what I got you into.

Don't, please.

It's not your fault.

Can you move?

Si.

Si.

Okay.

-[ Groans ] -Shh.

-[ Groans ] -Shh!

There's a boat.

Okay?

Come here.

Trust me.

Aah!

[ Siren wailing ] WOMAN: Signor Lovejoy?

[ Speaking Italian ] -You're all right.

-Yes.

Did the police see you?

Yes.

By the time they've done their checking, I hope to have this business settled.

You must go away or hide.

No.

-But Signorina Norman... -Shh.

No, no.

They can't say anything.

They'll implicate themselves.

So, what will you do?

Plan B, love.

Plan B. Lovejoy.

Lovejoy Antiques.

So much for plan B. Oh, you can get to Pinder with your charm.

That's all you want me to ask him?

Yeah.

Will do.

Oh, do you want me to wire you some money?

Yes, I know you can't ask, but you need some.

You always do.

Okay.

Take care.

Money?

I assume that must be your friend Lovejoy.

The poor dear's in some desperate mess.

Do you know, I think it would be less trouble and a lot less expensive if we adopted him.

He could have his own room, clean the horse brasses.

[ Man singing in Italian ] Grazie.

Dov'è Cosima?

[ Speaking Italian ] You go with her yesterday.

She not come back.

[ Speaking Italian ] I don't like the way you look at her.

I don't like the way you look at anybody!

Well, don't look, then, eh?

Aah!

Now I hurt you pretty bad.

Oh, shit.

Lovejoy!

You want to kick his goolies, Pommie?

Now's your chance.

Oh, no, I never hit a man when somebody else can do it better.

-[ Men grunting ] -Ooh!

You've been in my house before, Lady Felsham.

I remember you.

With my husband, yes.

It was some years ago.

Cocktails.

I remember all my parties.

There are so few of them.

But today you've come about Mr. Lovejoy.

Yes, it's about the position you offered him.

Did he tell you what that position entailed?

No.

Only that it involved working with antiques in Venice.

Unhappily, he refused.

I know.

But he's changed his mind.

He asked me to tell you.

I don't understand.

None of us understand Lovejoy, sir.

-Shall I?

-Please, please.

He just wanted to see Venice before he made up his mind about living there.

That's why he's there now.

Lovejoy's in Venice?

Yes.

I thought you knew.

No.

[ Speaking Italian ] -LOVEJOY: Guiseppe.

-Lovejoy!

What a crazy thing to happen.

I hope they find these madmen with guns.

-How do you say it in English?

-[ Telephone rings ] -Scusi.

-Same thing.

Uh... -Pronto.

-Momento, Guiseppe.

Where are the Americans?

Sono andati con Signora Norman Where?

Verso l'isola di Torcello.

On the Temptress.

What's the Temptress?

A private boat?

-Si, si.

-Ciao.

Grazie.

Buon giorno.

Ciao.

[ Speaking Italian ] [ Bell chiming ] Hi.

Where have you all been?

I'm with my boss.

What's the matter?

I was only going to ask you if you wanted to have dinner.

No, we can't have dinner.

We can't have anything.

I like you, Lovejoy, but you're after something, and you could just screw my job up, okay?

Signor Lovejoy?

[ Speaking Italian ] -Oh, grazie, signor.

-Prego.

I don't understand.

You don't think the man in England wanted you shot?

I had a call from home.

Pinder does not know I'm in Venice, so he wasn't the one who ordered me followed.

-Or shot at.

-Right.

Have you seen Signorina Norman?

Couldn't get past the door, love.

But I will tomorrow.

We'd better let you rest.

[ Smooches ] [ Boat horn honking ] I believe I'm expected this time.

[ Footsteps ] Prego, signore.

Caterina?

I thought you were in England.

She is.

I'm Lavinia.

Twins?

Tonio!

This is our Signor Lovejoy, so esteemed by my sister and grandfather.

Lovejoy, that man there is Tonio.

Even at first glance, I can tell he doesn't like you.

Perhaps it's not first glance.

Perhaps he's seen me before.

Perhaps.

LAVINIA: Tonio, get Lovejoy a drink.

-Cigarette?

-Hmm?

How can you smoke amongst all these magnificent oils?

Even the rich should know better than that.

Are you as expert as Grandfather said, Lovejoy?

He is a dealer, not a faker.

LOVEJOY: How do you know that?

I was in England when Mr. Pinder saw you.

Really?

Were you there a few days before, perhaps, at an auction?

We were buying Venetian art.

We were at many auctions.

I hope the champagne's to your satisfaction.

The glass is.

Any chance of me keeping this?

Oh, you know, souvenir of my visit.

If you work for us, Lovejoy, you can buy your own souvenirs.

-Well, count me in.

-Are you a dealer?

Yeah.

I've done a few forgeries in my time.

I'm good.

I'm just tired of wasting my talents for pennies.

I need to be... ...upwardly mobile.

I want the jackpot.

I want to -- how is it you Americans say?

-- cash in all my dance tickets.

Not at Vassar, we didn't.

-What's this?

-Oh, you know.

Well, if you and sis are as much into Venetian art as your granddad is.

Yeah, with Granddad, we had no choice.

What about Mum?

Mrs. Norman?

She in the family business?

[ Sighs ] Mother's a ditz.

Something happened to Mother once.

I think it was the '60s.

Anyway, now Mummy lives near Santa Barbara, where she grows her own pot, saves the whales, and fights for the rights of migrant grape pickers.

This is an RVH.

Lovejoy.

Ricci, by Lovejoy.

-I don't think so.

-May I?

Honey, art's not your thing.

What is?

Hairdressing?

Lovejoy, would you shut up?

-Now, you say you faked this?

-Yep.

[ Conversing in Italian ] Oh, thank you, but I don't smoke.

-Burn it.

-What?

-Burn the sketch.

-What?

Well, it's a fake, right?

So -- It's a bloody brilliant fake, lady.

I could make a hell of a deal on this.

You won't need deals if we employ you, Lovejoy.

-Burn it.

-That's a waste.

Antiques really are quite special to you, aren't they, Lovejoy?

Maybe more important than anything else.

So if it's real, you won't destroy it because you can't.

But if it's a fake...

Sorry about your carpet.

[ Sighs ] Forgive me, Ricci.

LOVEJOY: Oh, why do you have to tie the hands as well?

What if we sink?

We drown, signor.

I cannot swim either.

We Venetians have this superstition -- Learn to swim, and the lagoon thinks you do not trust her.

-She does?

-Takes revenge.

Especially at the time of acqua alta.

-What's that?

-High water.

[ Tools whirring ] [ Speaking Italian ] [ Speaking Italian ] [ Scottish accent ] They tell me you're a tasty faker.

Haven't had time to see what the word is on you yet, from back home, like.

Luciano?

Where the hell did you get a name like that?

About five years back, when I first come here.

Used to be Lewis.

Lewis Tilley.

Before a series of unfortunate altercations with Scotland Yard's fraud squad drove me to sunnier climes.

Called myself Luciano because he was lucky.

So far, so have I been, especially since copping this job a couple of years back.

Come on.

Is there, uh [Clears throat] anything else I should know?

Yeah.

I don't want anybody screwing up this caper.

Don't want no one bollocking up my retirement by being too curious or too greedy or too naughty.

No, no.

Tell all the new boys the same.

Just keep your nose clean, do your job, and there'll be more than a drink in it for you at the end of the day.

Lucky, do I look like the kind of fella that would ruin your retirement?

You'd better not.

Lake Como's what I had in my mind.

Yeah, good for my chest, Lake Como, after this bleeding dungeon.

Where the hell are we, anyway?

Did I not tell you not to ask questions?

I'm sorry, Lucky.

Have you not heard a word I said?

Force of habit.

Well, change your habits if you're gonna stay here.

I didn't know cameras were allowed in the Correr Museum.

-LUCIANO: They're not.

-Then I'm impressed.

With the fake.

-Very good aging.

-He's not deaf, you know?

Squaring's a bit dodgy, though.

It's easier for forging, but it wouldn't fool a seasoned connoisseur.

Especially if he had an X-ray machine handy.

Non toccare.

Yeah, a proper little know-all you are, aren't ya?

-It's you.

-Me.

-Good.

-I know.

Oh, I know it is, son.

You know what they say.

A great fake must be better than the original.

[ Chuckles ] Come on.

We'll get you started.

[ Man singing in Italian ] LOVEJOY: [ Speaking Italian ] [ Rumbling ] What's that, uh -- What's that noise?

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom?

-Scusi?

-Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Oh, forget it.

[ Sighs ] [ Groans ] No grub, no girls, no gossip.

And I volunteered.

[ Children shouting indistinctly ] [ Boat horn honks ] Tomorrow I go south.

To convalesce with my family.

If I get out of this in one piece, I might come and join you.

I wish you would.

Why did you get so mixed up in all this?

I don't know.

Everything got blurred.

See, this man, Pinder, in England.

And then there's this operation in Venice, but I don't know if he knows what going on.

Do you think the people here are cheating him?

Yes!

He didn't know I was in Venice, so he can't be blamed for me being followed or attacked.

And I think Lavinia's flying in planeloads of rich tourists to sell off the merchandise.

I'm sorry, but does not Pinder wish to sell them?

No, I really believe that he wants to preserve them.

But Lavinia, I really don't know what her game is.

And I don't know if Caterina knows.

And I don't know what Tonio is, if he's a boyfriend -- if so, whose boyfriend he is, and... For your sake, I don't know if I should be telling you this.

Oh, please.

I'm quite safe here.

You know when we went to Torcello?

Mm-hmm.

I wanted you to make love to me that day.

-LOVEJOY: Cesare.

-Si?

The Lido steamers, which routes do they take?

They go to San Michele, Murano, Burano, Torcello... No, they're too large, too inhabited.

-For what?

-For what I have in mind.

Uh, to the south they go to -- No, forget the south.

That's too far.

That leaves the islands.

The Lido runs.

Which ones of these that are uninhabited?

-Here, here... -No, what about that one?

Nothing.

Only rats.

They're warnings of poison.

There are many rats here.

Only rats?

LUCIANO: [ Speaking Italian ] Lost in thought, Lovejoy?

It would speed things up if I could rig one of those hoists up in here.

Save us days rolling these stones all over the floor.

Yeah, why not?

Do it.

Yeah, I could put a crosspiece against the wall... Do it, son.

Do it.

-Fancy a bite, Lucky?

-I hate boats.

[ Sighs ] I live above here.

Small, but it suffices.

Until Lake Como.

If no one bollocks it up, right.

Why can't you go back to the UK?

Oh, I could risk it.

-Forged passport, I suppose.

-How would you do that?

Oh!

Settled in Italy, though.

Like all those footballers.

Brady and Wilkins and Hateley.

Marvelous, Hateley.

Oh!

And we've adjusted to a different way of life.

Lucky?

Must of that stuff's crap.

That forgery factory is a cover, isn't it?

What are you on about, son?

You're an ace.

You've got the best manuscript hand I've ever seen.

You must know you're working with a bunch of second-raters.

I mean, you age a canvas before you paint on it.

Domenico doesn't.

And he uses acrylics, for Christ's sake.

The wood carvings are done on American pine, which stinks the place out.

What's your game, Lovejoy?

What is your game?

You're an expert.

Why aren't they?

Must admit, not the class they once were.

But don't ask questions, son.

Don't be young and foolish.

Money's too powerful.

It's given us our orders, right?

It will wreak a terrible vengeance on those who oppose its wishes.

Is there something in the air in Venice that makes people talk like Shakespeare?

I'll say it plainer.

Go home, sleep, come to work.

Go home, sleep, come to work.

That's the way to live.

To dishonest endeavor.

Not for the next two days.

High water.

They won't ship us out in that.

-Why's that?

-Acqua alta.

Eric followed Caterina to Heathrow.

Yes, she took an Alitalia.

6:00 p.m.

Yes, 6:00 p.m. flight to Venice.

Oh, by the way, Eric would like reimbursement of petrol money.

[ Laughs ] What?

I'll tell him you said that.

-[ Woman speaking Italian ] -Oh.

[ Conversing in Italian ] -Signorina Caterina Norman.

-Si.

-Palazzo Malcontento.

-Si.

[ Conversing in Italian ] -Grazie.

-Grazie.

Buon giorno.

Oh.

Thank you for the flowers, Lovejoy.

I never knew you cared.

I couldn't think of any other way of getting in contact with you.

But I'm glad you like them.

-Why all the cloak-and-dagger?

-Well... Let's have a drink.

Thank you.

I think Lavinia is putting one over on Granddad.

Really?

-Oh, tell me what you know.

-I'll tell you what I think.

Firstly, you told Lavinia I was going to Venice.

I mean, that's natural.

But you didn't tell Pinder.

Oh, no.

I-I didn't want to alarm him.

Well, I found out he didn't know.

So I knew it wasn't his idea when things started to get nasty around here, including trying to knock me off.

Oh, you can't be serious!

I am, Caterina.

Well, I am.

Sis and company play hardball.

I think old Pinder's over the top, but I do believe that he's trying to preserve Venice's treasures until the day that he imagines it sinks.

He is.

And all the items are photographed or modeled before they're forged, and then the originals are sold somewhere.

Yes, in Tuscany.

I'm not telling you where.

But not before they're replaced by the fakes.

I'm listening.

Well, Grandpa's saving Venice, and Lavinia's selling it.

That's why she's flying in planeloads of rich buyers for the originals.

But they don't reach Tuscany.

The fakes end up there.

And not very good fakes at that.

Some of the originals reach Tuscany.

What?

Well, I don't steal them all.

I'm not that stupid or that greedy.

Just the ones that are easiest to sell.

-Caterina?

-Caterina's at the beauty salon.

It is a shame she's going to miss your beautiful flowers.

Oh, Lavinia.

Oh, I just had to open the card, Lovejoy.

You know how curious sisters are about the other one's admirers.

Oh, and I am a fan, Lovejoy.

You have been very clever.

A little too clever, my friend.

It is a shame, though.

I was really getting quite fond of you.

Well, I can't bear to watch this.

-I'm gonna take a shower.

-Yeah.

Ohh, shit!

Aah!

Gerry, look what the tide's washed up.

[ Coughing ] [ Groans ] I don't think the high dive is your strong suit, sport.

Lovejoy, I'm not a shrink but if you'd like to tell us why you're throwing yourself into the Grand Canal, me and Gerry are all ears.

Things that desperate, sport?

That cute little Cosima give you the old heave-ho, did she?

If I hadn't jumped, I'd have ended up in there anyway with concrete boots on.

Jesus, sport, if you're in some sort of trouble, count me in.

Gerry loves a spot of gratuitous violence.

We'll leave Keith in Como.

Don't want to offend his artistic temperament.

Don't be a boring bitch, Gerry.

No, no, no.

You're not gay.

Isn't everyone these days?

You're not upset, are you, Lovejoy?

There's no such thing as an Australian homosexual.

It's a natural reaction against all that surfboarding, beer-swilling, sheep-shearing macho bullshit.

Ugh!

Can I borrow some clothes?

I-I don't want to risk going back to the hotel.

Don't you think coming back to our place is a risk?

[ Both laugh ] Ohh.

[ Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" playing ] [ Whispering ] Lucky?!

[ Knock on door ] Lucky?

Are you going to let me in?

What's happened?

-Trouble.

-For me?

I'm going after the people behind the scam.

Are you a cop or something?

No, self-interest.

Vengeful spite.

-Got a drink?

-Yeah.

Beer or wine?

Beer, please.

Why are you telling me all this?

To warn you.

I'm gonna bust that place open.

That hoist you let me put up -- It's all part of a plan to pull that wall right out.

-But that'll flood the place.

-Exactly.

And screw up Lavinia and Tonio and give us something to retire on.

Give us?

Us?

Well, naturally, Lucky.

I need your help.

And to pick out a few choice pieces.

I mean, I'd hate to ruin your retirement.

Well, there's one thing -- It won't be in Italy now, will it?

Oh, bloke like you could work anywhere.

I think you quite fancy going back to the old country.

No.

Listen, all I've got there is a hatchet-faced sister-in-law up in Maryhill.

Come off it.

Dundee marmalade, Sunday Post, and that bottle of Glenmorangie you just slipped in the cupboard when I came in?

Bet you've got a haggis in the fridge.

All right, all right.

But that doesn't mean I want to work there, does it?

Thatcher!

Unemployment, strikes.

Partick Thistle never making the grade.

[ Sighs ] How would we do it?

You've got no choice.

You'll be out of a job tomorrow.

Not one of us knows where they take us.

I do.

We're blindfolded until we get...

I know!

-You would need a boat.

-Got one.

The minute I clapped eyes on you, I knew you were trouble.

[ Bell chiming ] Hang on to your stomach, Lucky.

We're nearly there.

Come on, Lucky.

Come on.

Listen, how did you work out the island?

Oh, I recognized the sound of the Lido steamers.

I timed their tos and fros and checked that against the routes and worked it out from there.

This, um -- This place secured in any way?

Padlocks.

Easy.

Oh.

It's a doddle, then, Lewis.

I just wish you'd stop saying that, son.

You've screwed up my whole life, you know?

Mm?

[ Creatures scurrying ] What's that?

[ Creatures squeaking ] Are there, uh, a lot of rats?

Well, that wasn't the wind in the bleedin' undergrowth.

[ Squeaking ] I hate rats.

Come on, Lovejoy.

-In 1974... -[ Sawing ] ...they found one four feet long.

You know, considering what's in here, you'd think they'd make it a bit more difficult to get in.

-Four feet long?

-Yeah.

And that was in 1974.

-[ Sawing stops ] -Ah!

-LOVEJOY: Yeah?

-Yeah.

Torch.

Come on, Lovejoy.

Get the light on.

That's one.

You know what this really is, don't you?

Yeah.

Bloody great cork.

Anything pulling it from the outside will bring a chunk of wall down.

And I'm down here.

We won't be.

[ Whirring ] Lucky, go and see where I come out.

Oh, go on!

Oh, shut your face.

You make me nervous.

[ Squeaking ] Lovejoy?

[ Tapping ] Oh!

Lucky?!

Lucky?!

Lucky?!

Can you hear me?!

Lovejoy?

Lucky?!

Lovejoy?

Lovejoy?

Lucky?

Lovejoy?

Go!

Pull!

That's it!

Easy, easy!

Go on.

Go.

Hold it!

That's it!

Did you find it, Lucky?

I know these don't compare to your manuscripts, but they'll fool the average punter.

Oh, uh, good evening.

I was just, uh, putting in a little overtime, Lavinia.

It's Caterina.

I'm sorry you didn't get my flowers.

In England I warned you that your situation would be vulnerable if you turned against us.

You mean it's not just sis that's ripping off Granddad?

No, it's much more complicated than that.

Lavinia's stealing the originals and sending some of the fakes to Tuscany.

Only, they don't all reach Tuscany because Tonio and I have an arrangement.

-Oh, you sell the fakes?

-Yes.

What a nice family!

Are you related to the Borgias?

[ Laughs ] What about the Savoldo?

Tell me about Malleson.

It was one of the fakes that we sold in England.

Unfortunately it turned up at an auction, and, being Venetian, attracted my grandfather's attention.

He wouldn't have killed for it, though.

Accidental.

Oh, yes, you didn't mean to hit him that hard, did you?

I didn't mean to hit him that hard.

Tonio.

Drop that gun, or I'll blow your bleedin' balls all over the wall.

What the... That's not a gun!

Ooh!

Oh!

[ Gunshot ] Take it easy, Lucky.

[ Banging on door ] Lucky!

Listen, hold it, son.

The chain's attached to the back.

-So?

-Loosen it off!

They killed a friend of mine.

They would have killed us too.

Aye, but you can't.

TONIO: [ Groaning ] By the time we get out of this place, they're gonna be gone.

We'll find them.

And I want Lovejoy.

Oh, no, no.

Lovejoy is mine.

[ Door opens ] -You let them out, didn't you?

-No.

-Listen, you did, didn't you?

-Yeah.

[ Rumbling ] He's untied our boat!

Oh, my God.

Clever little so-and-so, aren't you?

That stuff in them tubes must be worth a bob or two.

I owe you one, Lucky.

Caused you enough trouble already.

No, you've probably done me a favor.

LOVEJOY: How's that?

LUCIANO: Well, with all that double-dealing going on, the bubble was bound to burst, and sooner rather than later.

I would have been done, wouldn't I?

LOVEJOY: Oh, you're well out of it.

[ Coughing ] [ Groans ] [ Jingling ] What are you two doing here?

Doesn't it make you wonder that we keep popping up?

We've been on your tail since day one, sport.

On my tail?

We're sort of police.

Art squad.

[ Sighs ] Am I under arrest?

You might have to hang around for a while.

We're after bigger fish.

Local clink's not bad, though.

-We'll see you okay, Lovejoy.

-The grub's good.

-Lots of pasta.

-Yeah.

Oh, if you get a choice of cells... -Don't take the basement.

-Yeah.

Tendency to damp.

[ Siren wailing ] So those art-squad guys -- the Aussies -- they'd been on the case for ages.

Bunch of bloody amateurs.

And according to Lovejoy, fakes began to appear all over... What professional art thief would have been that careless?

I agree, but what I don't understand... -Hey!

Ha ha!

-Hey!

And what profoundly distresses me is why he isn't languishing in some wretched Italian prison right now.

LOVEJOY: Well, they had nothing on me -- oh, here's your change, Jane -- well, apart from stealing a boat, and I've got away with that before, haven't I?

[ Laughter ] -I helped them.

-ERIC: How'd you do that?

Well, they took me to this villa in Tuscany.

Oh, that's where you sent this postcard from.

I don't know.

Anyway, this is where all the stuff was stashed.

I separated the crap from the genuine.

You might have put a stamp on it.

TINKER: As someone with a vested interest in the fiscal fortunes of Lovejoy Antiques, am I to understand we've sod-all to show for this jaunt?

Oh, I wasn't in it for the money.

I wanted to see criminals brought to justice.

Oh, so you're still broke and fairly desperate, then, are you?

It's true what Charlie said, isn't it?

You are as broke as ever.

Yep.

You've got to stop chasing all over the place, getting into all sorts of trouble and scaring your friends!

You were scared?

I was worried.

We all were.

You missed me.

Lovejoy, I missed you more than I'm prepared to say.

It's very disconcerting.

I missed you.

I always do.

Well, you had Nancy and Cosima to amuse you.

Oh, and Lavinia and Caterina and Lord knows who else.

Lady Felsham, I do believe you're jealous.

-No, I am not!

-Yes, you are.

I know.

It's pathetic.

You are the one person in the world I could never lie to, about women or anything else.

So if you're wondering if I slept with any of those women, the answer is a categorical no.

Hello, son.

[ Laughing ] Oh, Lucky.

Ha!

Yeah.

Hey, quaint little neck of the woods you live in here.

What the hell are you doing here, anyway?

Listen, do you want a cup of tea?

Mm.

See, after you dropped me off that night, I did everything you told me.

I went to ground, fixed myself a new passport after a while, and came home.

-I've got something for you.

-Yeah?

Oh, Lucky.

No, no, no.

You need a stake.

Jeez, it's freezing in here.

Course so's the whole of England.

-No, you can't.

-Please.

-You've got the other one?

-Oh, yes.

My retirement, isn't it?

-Lake Como.

-No.

Maryhill.

Okay, Lovejoy.

Which one was it?