[gentle tense music playing] Philip doesn't mind you making a little money on the side.

He'd just prefer it if it wasn't selling exam questions.

If Philip was so sure I was bent, he'd have sent a prefect.

Benefits of being netball coach, I'd know if anyone had been promoted.

[tense music intensifies] Shame.

We barely got to know each other.

[squeaks] [wheezing] I know where you keep your inhaler.

[Marcus] Stop!

-What is it?

-What's wrong?

I've changed my mind.

This spy stuff's boring.

How can you say that?

Come on, half the programmes on TV are about spies.

They're so childish.

But we can't just abandon it now.

The Christmas party's in one week and we promised everybody a film.

Think about it, it's Christmas.

What does everybody really want at Christmas time?

A pashmina?

Better than that.

A musical.

Put the word out.

We start auditions at noon.

[theme music playing] [groans] [inhales deeply, groans] You all right?

-No.

-Oh, dear.

It's just so hard, you know?

I mean, goddammit, I was in love with her, Tim.

Hm.

You're not going to cry again, are you?

No.

[clears throat] ‘Cause I can get Karen.

Karen!

No, it's okay.

I'm all cried out.

This is happening.

Okay.

You close enough?

I've been thinking about it, though, and it just doesn't add up.

-What doesn't?

-We were doing great.

Getting along really well.

Communicating, sharing.

The sex was awesome... Moving on.

But thinking back, I kept getting this nagging... -No, forget about it.

-What?

I don't even want to think it.

Think what?

Tim, I think she's in love with someone else.

-No!

-I'm serious.

Do you have any idea who that could be?

That's what I wanted to ask you.

Me?

Why do you want to ask me for?

I haven't done anything.

I'm not, I mean, she and I haven't done anything -I can tell you-- -Hey, relax!

I know it's not you.

Oh.

I mean, I think we can both agree she's a little out of your league.

What's so ridiculous about Caitlin and I being lovers?

[laughs] Thanks, man.

I appreciate you trying to cheer me up.

How about Moritz?

Moritz!

-I'm better looking than him!

-Hmm.

Aren't I, come on!

I mean, Gunther, maybe.

But Moritz!

It's someone around here.

I can feel it.

-Listen-- -And when I find out who it is, I'm going to rip his face off his shoulders with kitchen tongs and...

I don't know, something sharp.

Sorry, man, you were saying?

So, Moritz, you think?

[children chattering] Are you sure about this?

A musical tackles the timeless themes - love, greed, jealousy, betrayal, revenge, pain... hurt, pain... -You missing Justine?

-Not so much.

Why?

No reason.

Well, that aside, it is, of course, Christmas, and I have a little something to thank you for your hard work this term.

Oh, thanks, Marcus.

Thank you.

You've earned it.

Wow.

You've written off the £3 I owed you.

"A donation has been made to a charity in your name."

How generous of me.

Well, enough with the festivities, where are we on these auditions?

Thank you for seeing us at short notice.

I don't usually work weekends.

-It's Wednesday.

-Is it?

They must all be patients out there.

Anyway, as you know, we're very grateful for everything you've done so far-- When are you going to make a decision?

-Philip!

-I'm sorry, Owen, but you have been assessing this family for months, and I just feel that Judith and I can't move on until this custody dispute is resolved.

-Do you feel the same way?

-It's all I can think about.

The uncertainty is tearing us apart.

Then you're right, we must bring this matter to an end.

Thank you.

Suppose I were to offer you custody of Marcus... for one night with Judith.

I'd assume you were kidding.

I'm not kidding.

Think about it.

The night would come and go but custody of Marcus is something you could both enjoy for the rest of your lives.

I'm sorry, are we seriously doing Indecent Proposal ?

Oh.

You've seen it.

Yes, of course.

Everyone has.

You are a joke.

Come on Philip.

I'm not playing around, Judith.

One night with me, and you get custody of Marcus for the rest of your life.

And if I don't?

Well, I'm sure Tim could be persuaded to... give you some visiting hours, perhaps... every few months?

Think about it.

That was supposed to go in.

Annoying.

[children chattering] -Have you sold any tickets yet?

-Quite a few.

You are telling people it's a musical, aren't you?

Yeah.

-Hmm.

Keep me updated.

-Will do.

You haven't sold any tickets, have you?

Nah.

Gin!

I thought we were playing poker?

[coins rattle] -And what's your name?

-Sadie.

-And how old are you, Sadie?

-Ten.

What are you going to sing for us today?

I'm going to sing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow.'

Off you go.

♪ Sometimes I wish upon a star ♪ ♪ And wake up where the clouds are far ♪ ♪ Behind me ♪ ♪ Where troubles melt like lemon drops away-- ♪ Can we stop you there, please?

Is there a problem?

Have I done something to offend you?

-What do you mean?

-Well, you're clearly trying to punish me, and I'm not sure why.

Was it no good?

Sadie, there are prisoners in Guantanamo being waterboarded that sound better than you.

I can sing another song, if you like?

Next!

What's the matter with you today?

-Just telling her the truth.

-She didn't deserve that.

I don't remember asking for your views.

-We're just saying-- -Well, don't!

This is my show.

Go and get the next one!

They're doing their best, you know?

You could try being a little nicer.

-Who's next?

-No one.

What are you talking about?

I've got a full list here.

No one's going to audition for you.

They've gone on strike.

-What are we going to do?

-This is your show.

I'm sure you'll figure something out.

Come on, Paul.

Daniel?

Paul?

Would you like some tea?

No, thank you, darling.

Sorry about this.

Shouldn't take long.

Don't worry about me, I'm perfectly happy.

-Love you.

-Love you more.

-We can't!

-I know!

Who does he think he is?

Like we'd ever agree to something like that!

It's not worth giving it another second's thought.

It's forgotten.

-What is?

-I don't know.

[both laugh] -Although... -Yes?

Well, no, it's just that it would be great for Marcus to come and live with you again.

-That's true.

-And in time, maybe you and I could even get married and be a proper family?

Maybe.

Anyway, it's forgotten.

Philip...

I think you want me to do it.

Do you want to do it?

No.

But I would.

But I can sing!

I can!

Can I do it?

Please?

Of course.

After all, what could be less humiliating than my father performing in my musical?

But I'm good.

I-- Tell him.

-He's really good.

-Is he?

-No idea.

-Shut up.

Will you think about it?

[hammering] -Do you miss Justine?

-Not really.

Not you.

I thought you and Philip were going to roller-disco.

He had to cancel.

You've made a wise decision.

Come in.

And before you ask, yes, mum's already gone to bed.

You've sold every single ticket.

Plus an extra thirty.

Hmm.

I'm impressed.

Yeah it was nothing.

They must have been big fans of musical theatre.

Tinie Tempah?

It's a private gig.

One night only.

-So, how much?

-Forty pounds each.

Yeah, all right, then.

D'you know, I really think they were.

[car horn honks] That's me.

Good work, Chris.

Yeah, cheers.

Have a good day.

I got you a little present.

Oh, beautiful!

How can you afford all this?

I do steal quite a lot from my mum and my patients.

[laughs] [chuckles awkwardly] [Philip] Hello, Judith.

Oh, Philip.

I didn't see you there.

Hey, Phil!

How have you been?

Yes, okay.

Good.

Good.

You?

Erm, I've been living in a bottomless pit of torment and despair, torn apart by the howling nightmares with only my screams to keep me company.

Yeah, I've had neighbours like that.

Owen!

I'm going to the shop.

Anybody want anything?

No, thanks.

-Phil?

-Drop dead.

I'll get you a Solero.

How could you do this to me?

Don't put it all on me.

You sent me in there.

You should never have let me go.

Yeah, you're right.

And I will regret it for the rest of my life.

No, Philip... You want this?

Hmm?

-I'm going to tell him.

-No!

It's not fair on him.

On him?

Did you hear what he said, about the tongs and the face and the sharp thing?

He didn't mean it.

I'd rather not put it to the test.

Well, when do you suggest we tell him?

When our third child graduates college?

-[laughs] Tim!

-Just... just leave it for now.

-But what if he finds out?

-He won't.

Trust me.

You've had a tough couple of weeks.

The toughest.

I'm sorry.

You made a good looking couple.

Thanks.

-Did you take any videos?

-What?

What?

It's just hard seeing her every day.

I bet.

But I want you to know Portis that MI5 is still your home.

I appreciate that.

-It's not gonna be easy.

-No.

Particularly now that she and Tim are a couple.

Caitlin and Tim are a couple?

No?

Are they?

-I can't believe this.

-I didn't say that.

I trusted him.

Yeah, well, what about me?

-What about you?

-Well, I was hoping to have a pop at Caitlin.

-What?!

-I know!

I know!

But, phew, what can you do?

She's been in love with Tim for years.

For years?

I really have to stop talking.

You're not going to do anything silly, are you?

Hey bro!

How's it going?

Yeah, I'm seeing things much clearer now.

Good for you.

[tense music playing] [Marcus] Meeting in the open.

You learn fast.

You always said that any one of us could challenge you, Marcus.

That's because I figured no one would ever do it.

You figured wrong.

You can't seriously want Goldstein as your leader!

-He's a team player, Marcus.

-He listens to us.

The people either want a nativity or a talent show.

A musical will be so much better.

Nativity or talent show.

-Neither.

-Pick.

I hate nativity plays.

Well, then talent show it is.

We are not doing a talent show!

I don't think you have that many options.

What are you going to do, a one-man show?

[snickering] One man.

Of course!

Philip?

Marcus.

Are you living here?

It's just while I find my feet.

-You look terrible.

-No, I'm fine.

Listen...

I need to ask you a favour.

Why don't you ask your new dad?

Owen?

Is that what this is about?

He stole her from me.

Then steal her back!

-It's too late.

-Too late?

Is that what Norman Schwartzkopf would have said?

Is he going out with Judith as well?

No!

Look, I'll help you get her back.

-Really?

-Yes.

But first, I need you to sing in the musical.

Me?

I can't sing.

Dance, obviously, but sing.

No, no, no... Hey, you know who you should ask?

I am not asking Tim.

Are you sure you're not letting pride get the better of you?

I'll figure something out.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, bye.

-Where are you going?

-That was Philip!

Marcus wants me to sing in his musical.

His school musical.

I know!

I'll see you later!

Okay.

Hi.

I was just, erm, wondering if you've, er, seen Portis?

Not for a bit.

Why?

[clears throat] No reason.

-Is everything all right?

-Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not paying that.

I don't care about his UK tour.

He is not a major recording artist.

I've got to go.

You know the terms.

Call me back.

[phone beeps] What do you want?

Philip says you want me to sing in your musical.

Just hear him out.

How many times do I have to say this, you are not performing in my show, and there's nothing you can do to change my mind.

[phone beeps] [singing opera] ♪ Che più cercando io vo?

♪ ♪ Che più cercando io vo?

♪ ♪ M'ama!

♪ ♪ Sì, m'ama ♪ ♪ Lo vedo ♪ ♪ Lo vedo ♪ -[crying] -[applause] [Tim] Stop it.

No.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Really?

Okay.

Thank you.

Grazie.

[muttering] Grazie.

Thank you.

[Marcus] Yep, we've got a deal.

We've got Duncan From Blue!

[lively music playing] -Still no sign?

-No, sir.

Okay, what is going on?

-It's nothing.

-Sir!

No.

No.

Okay, okay.

There is a chance that Portis knows about you and Tim.

What?

How?

-I told him.

-Oh come on!

I'm sorry.

It was a mistake.

-How did he take it?

-Yeah yeah, pretty well, actually.

-Really?

-No, no, he looked psychotic.

Oh.

Where is he?

We don't know.

[tense music playing] Oh, dear.

[music intensifies] You could help.

I'm good, thanks.

[phone rings] Oh, get that, would you?

-[engine revs] -Come on, come on!

Pick up!

[phone rings] [beeps] [dramatic music playing] Urgh!

[tyres screech] -[laughs] -Erm, could we slow down a little?

I'd forgotten how much I love driving.

I really should get my licence.

[dramatic music continues] No, I can't provide Duncan with alcohol.

Because I'm ten years old, and it would be illegal for you to ask me to procure alcohol.

That includes vodka.

[sighs] And gin, yes.

[phone rings] [beeps] Hello?

Oh, thank God!

Is Marcus with you?

Portis is after him.

Hello?

[Caitlin, distorted] Tim?

Hello?

Hello?

You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you.

Portis is coming for Marcus.

What about Portis...?

Has anyone seen Marcus?

[dramatic music playing] [tyres screech] [Tim] Marcus!

[dramatic music continues] Marcus?

Marcus!

I can't find Marcus.

Oliver, have you seen Marcus?

Marcus!

-[music fades] -[phone beeping] [The Examiner] Okay.

Yeah.

How long?

Operational in three minutes, sir.

Okay.

-Where is he?

-We don't know yet.

How could you let this happen?

I didn't do anything.

Look, just wait here, and I'll see what they're doing.

No.

They don't need you getting in their way.

They're professionals, Tim.

Let them do their job.

Fine.

I'll just see if they want some coffee or something.

I wouldn't mind a latte, if you're going.

Or not.

No pressure.

Don't worry, they'll, they'll find him.

I promise.

Ahem.

Yes, right.

-Anything?

-No, not yet.

Well work harder!

We're doing our best, Tim.

He could be anywhere.

[train whooshing past] [Marcus] So unoriginal.

What are you talking about?

I take it this is your first kidnapping?

Why do you say that?

An abandoned warehouse?

Seriously?

It'll be hard to find.

Perhaps, but it does rather lack imagination, wouldn't you say?

No.

But I bet you've been hearing that your entire life.

'Portis tries hard, but rarely excels,' 'Solid, but shows little flair.'

Shut up.

'Makes up in brawn what he lacks in brain.'

Shut up!

-Touched a nerve?

-Man!

Tim wasn't fooling, you really are a horrible kid.

He said that?

Only like every day.

-No wonder he hates you.

-No, he doesn't.

[laughs] Now, who's hit a nerve?

If he hates me so much, then why is he fighting for custody?

Beats me.

Probably because he's pathetic and weak.

Just another lanky British ‘Excuse me, pardon me, I'm so bumbling but charming Hugh Grant' douchebag!

You're jealous of him, aren't you?

Don't make me laugh.

Yes.

You are.

I can see it.

What are you doing?

He's done something, hasn't he?

Something to hurt you, something personal.

No.

What did he do?

Nothing.

Portis... it's not your fault.

What?

It's not your fault.

I know.

No.

It's not your fault.

Don't mess with me, man.

It's not your fault.

[crying] He stole her from me!

It's okay, let it all out.

[sobbing] I loved her, and he took her away.

-It's okay.

-No!

It is not okay!

He took something away from me, and now, I'm going to take something away from him.

Now, sit down!

Actually, I'm starting to think maybe it was your fault.

Yo, we in the right place, yeah?

Is this Tinie's ting?

This is ridiculous!

We need a cellular signal before we can triangulate.

But we're just sitting here.

Why don't I go to my house, see if he's been back there?

Good idea.

I'll call you the moment I find anything.

I promise.

Okay.

Can we have a quick word?

[Tim] Just send them home.

But look at them.

I don't have time for this, okay.

Just give them their money back, it'll be fine.

Yeah, about that, I haven't exactly got the money available right now.

-What is wrong with you?

-I've got the money.

It's just a little tied up at the moment.

-Always thinking of yourself.

-That's not true.

Sorry, but can we get back to the more pressing issue?

What if someone went out there and stalled for a bit?

Do whatever you like.

What sort of brash idiot would agree to go out there?

Hello.

Hello, St Benjamin's!

Are we having fun?

- No?

-Who are you?

Oh, a heckler already!

What's your name, fella?

-Arthur.

- Arthur.

Where are you from, Arthur?

Canterbury.

I haven't got anything funny about Canterbury.

Er...

I've got a good one about Leeds.

Er, although, thinking about it, it is borderline... racist.

Erm... Hey, what's with that Eurozone?

Surely, if we wanted to be governed by the Germans, we'd just ask the Queen.

Because she's of German ancestry?

Is this a state school?

Because that joke absolutely kills at Harrow.

We want Tinie!

Well I'm sorry if my political satire is too challenging for you.

Get off the stage!

Who here agrees with our friend?

That is actually a lot more than I was expecting.

-What about there?

-Nothing.

[phone rings] [electronic beep] [Portis] Hey, bro.

What are you doing, Portis?

Oh, you know, just a little payback.

Marcus has nothing to do with this.

He does now.

Portis?

-That you, sir?

-[The Examiner] Hi.

Listen to me, you spineless little twerp!

-No.

-Listen, I knew you were no good the first minute I set eyes on you.

Why is everyone being so mean to me today?!

Oh, come on, then, you miserable coward.

What are your demands?

I want Tim to break up with Caitlin.

-Okay.

-No deal!

-What?

-They're in love.

Get over it.

I did.

-You did?

-Not important right now.

-Just tell him I'll do it.

-Tim refuses to do it.

-Well, if Tim isn't prepared to release Caitlin... -I am!

...then I'm not prepared to release the boy.

-Fine by me.

-What?

What did you say?

-Keep the kid.

He's horrible.

-What are you doing?

-Trust me.

-In that case, you'll never see Marcus again!

Listen, I have a particular set of skills.

Skills I have acquired over a very long career.

Skills that make me a nightmare and... -Hmm?

-Er, he's gone.

Call him back.

Phone's gone dead.

Phone's dead.

Argh!

Argh!

Arghhh!

Damn Limey!

Well, that went well.

This is your fault!

Mm-hmm.

I can see that.

-I've got a fix.

-Ah.

-What?

-We have his location.

-You stay here.

-No!

You stay here.

-I'm going to get my son.

-Okay, well, I'll come with you.

-No.

-Well, you can't go alone.

He won't be alone.

He'll be with me.

-No, I won't.

-Oh, please!

-No.

-I'll behave.

-Do what you like.

-Yes!

-Do I get a gun?

-No.

Really?

I was sort of counting on that.

I've got a stitch.

Er, what else?

Erm...

Does anyone here follow Women's Hockey?

Where's Marcus?

I don't know.

Something's wrong.

-[man] Keep it moving!

- Hey!

I'm not being paid for this you know.

-Will Portis be armed?

-Of course, he will.

[dramatic music playing] [engine revs] I think we need to tell them.

They've started throwing bottles at him.

I can't afford to have people panicking right now.

If the press get hold of this, then Portis may do something stupid, which would put Marcus in even greater danger.

What's going on?

Where's Marcus?

Who are all those people?

I think you deserve to know the truth.

We are in fact a group of travelling entertainers.

-What?

-Marcus hired us.

Well, your man on stage is atrocious.

Which is why my next act is about to go on.

But I may need your help.

[phone rings] -Hey.

-Any news?

- We've found him.

-Where?

The old vinyl factory off Derby Road.

- I'll be there in ten minutes.

-Okay.

Be careful, Tim.

[stealthy music playing] Hello, St. Benjamin's!

Yeah.

One, two, three, four.

[playing rock music] -Do you see him?

-Yeah.

I'll go in the front.

You go 'round the back.

-Alone?

-Yes, alone.

You're the one who wanted to come.

It's okay for you, you've got a gun.

-Just go!

-All right, I'm going!

[suspenseful music playing] ♪ Give ‘em the old hocus pocus ♪ ♪ Bread and feather ‘em ♪ ♪ How can they see ♪ ♪ With sequins in their eyes?

♪ ♪ What if you're hinges are all rusting ♪ ♪ What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?

♪ ♪ Razzle Dazzle ‘em ♪ ♪ And they'll never catch wise ♪ [suspenseful music playing] [cocks gun] Well, if it isn't my good buddy.

-You okay?

-Yes.

We'll be out of here in no time.

Don't count on it.

Hey, wait a minute, did you come alone?

I didn't want to bother anyone with a little bit of house cleaning.

Ooh!

Trash talk.

I like it!

[suspenseful music playing] [laughs] I have to hand it to you, Tim.

I don't know how you put up with him.

He is pure evil.

He can be challenging.

[laughs] Challenging?

I've known Mossad interrogators easier to get along with.

Well what can I say?

Those things don't matter when you love someone, eh.

Like my love for Caitlin?

She didn't love you.

She could have.

With time.

[suspenseful music continues] I'm sorry.

You sure will be.

Hey, Marcus.

You know how me and your dad know each other?

You work in the Civil Service together.

Sort of.

Actually we're-- [Portis thuds] Did you see that?

-[Portis groans] -Don't move.

Don't move.

-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-It's over now.

-No it isn't.

-What do you mean?

-You're too late.

-For what?

I'm sorry, Tim.

I'm sorry.

[dramatic music builds] [muffled thud] Hello?

Is there anybody there?

I am armed.

So am I.

[applause] That was truly inspirational, sir.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, great show everyone!

Great show.

-[phone rings] -It's for you.

It's probably Broadway.

Shoot.

Where the hell have you been?

Oh.

Good, thanks.

Not how, where?

- Who is this?

-It's Chris.

Oh, you guys.

How's it going over there?

We've got Portis.

Damn!

I had money on him killing you all.

Would you just shut up!

Tim's on his way 'round to Caitlin's.

I think she's in trouble.

Pass him over.

Hello.

What happened with the show?

Yeah, it's all in hand.

In fact... [laughs] ...it's going pretty well.

We'll be back n 20 minutes.

Keep it going.

Give me your gun.

-Where are you going?

-Caitlin's.

Ah.

Are you going to shoot her?

No.

No, it's just that Tim needs me.

But I need you!

Can't you tell, I've always needed you.

I love you, sir!

Hmm.

That got a bit weird, didn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Sorry about that.

-Er... Go on, go!

-Mm.

[upbeat dance music playing] Enjoy humiliating him, did you?

Who?

Portis.

Sweet, gentle Portis.

The same sweet gentle Portis who just kidnapped a ten-year-old boy?

What did you expect?

You drove him out of his mind.

So, it's my fault?

[Director] You never took the time to understand him.

To be sensitive to what he had endured in captivity.

He's a complex man with a beautiful soul and yummy biceps.

Sorry, is it your plan to bore me to death?

[Director] You always were too feisty for him.

Jeez!

-What are you doing here?

-Shh.

I couldn't abandon my superstar.

Are you wearing make-up?

A little.

-[Philip] Marcus!

-[Judith] Oh, my God, Marcus!

[Owen] Yay.

[Judith] Are you all right?

I'm fine, thanks.

-Where's Tim?

-He's okay, I think.

[Goldstein] Where were you, Marcus?

[Cohen] Yeah, we were worried.

Oh!

Oh, my God, this is so nauseating.

You know what, you all deserve each other.

I'm sorry Judith.

You are one hot bit of mama, but I just can't stand your child.

Nothing personal, Marcus, I hate all children.

Actually, it is a little personal, I do dislike you more than any other child I've ever met.

Here you are.

Congratulations Judith, I am recommending that you get sole custody of Marcus.

What about Tim?

What about him?

Isn't this what you wanted?

I suppose.

Have a good life.

Or don't.

I'm really not bothered.

Oh, actually, erm, can I just give you this?

It's, erm...

It's a feedback form, if you've got time.

Okay, ciao.

How's the show going?

Not good.

The audience are getting restless.

I've got to help Paul and Daniel with their show.

And so, what happens now?

We wait for Portis.

-Oh.

-What?

Bit awkward, but Portis has already been arrested.

That idiot!

Can't he do anything right?

I'm sure he did his best?

Well, his best is clearly not good enough.

You could be a little more supportive.

The amount of time I put in with him.

The movies, the dinners.

But still, he kept saying the same thing.

'I'm seeing Caitlin.'

'I'm too young for you.'

'How did you get into my house?'

You know what, you were right not to marry him.

He's a waste of space.

He's a decent man at heart.

And I'm sure he'll make someone a good husband one day.

When he's out of prison.

-You're a good person.

-Aw.

You know, I wouldn't be too unhappy if you untied me now.

Oh, right.

-No, I'm not going to do that.

-No?

No, I'm afraid I'm still going to have to kill you.

-Oh.

-Yeah, with the evidence of my involvement and everything.

-Mm.

-You understand?

-Not really.

-I'll try to do a neat job.

I'm loving this by the way.

Really works with your figure.

Thanks?

All right, I suppose we better get this over with.

[cocks gun] Freeze!

I wanted to say that.

-[angry clamouring] -[stomping, clapping] [clapping rapidly] I thought you'd booked Duncan from Blue?

I did.

I guess he's not coming.

Well, what are we going to do?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our headline act this evening... That ain't no Tinie Tempah.

-He is tiny, though.

-[scoffs] [rap music playing] ♪ So let me make my attack You sit slack ♪ ♪ There ain't no Penguin Classics in your backpack ♪ ♪ So let me hit you with a crack ♪ ♪ Smack right in the face No escape ♪ ♪ You're too late It's your fate ♪ ♪ I'm gonna leave you... ♪ I'm really sorry I'm late.

Do you want me to go on now?

-Get lost, Duncan.

- ♪ My rhyme is my reason ♪ ♪ Please don't waste no time on child's play ♪ ♪ If the facts in this rap are too wack ♪ ♪ Let me hear you all yeasay!

♪ [crowd] Yeah!!

♪ Well, I'm sorry You gotta be cruel ♪ ♪ If a fool don't know what it takes ♪ ♪ To rule at this game No time to explain ♪ ♪ It's my brain, it's insane It's like a lyrical jewel ♪ ♪ If you can't keep up with me You should have stayed ♪ ♪ In infant school My time is now ♪ ♪ I ain't got time for no uncertainty ♪ ♪ You'll never keep me outta Oxford University ♪ ♪ You must be crazy not to think that I own this ♪ ♪ I guess you guys are loco In loco parentis ♪ [crowd cheers] I also act.

♪ Yeah, ain't no party like a Christmas party!

♪ ♪ All the swots in the house say yeah ♪ [all] Yeah!

- Say 'Yeah!'

-[all] Yeah!

[crowd cheers] -You took your time.

-Yeah, sorry.

Couldn't find anywhere to park.

How have you been?

Good, yeah.

You?

Not so bad.

Okay.

So how do we resolve this?

Quite easy, actually.

You lower your weapons, and I walk out of here, or she gets it.

-I think I can make the shot.

-Forget it.

-Should I try?

-No.

-I think it's worth a go.

-You categorically do not have my permission to shoot.

Typical of today's youth.

No ambition.

I know, tell me about it.

So, what's it to be?

-How about... this!

-What are you doing?

-Game theory!

-What?

Yeah, if I shoot Caitlin, she has nothing to bargain with.

That's clever, eh?

-[Tim and Caitlin] No!

-Why not?

Because we are trying very hard -not to make Caitlin dead.

-Thank you.

Oh, come on, it's a good plan.

You know, I kill Caitlin, and you kill her.

-And everybody's happy.

-No, they're not.

-Point the gun away from her.

-No.

Point the gun away from Caitlin.

No!

I'm warning you, you shoot Caitlin, and I will shoot you.

Isn't someone supposed to be shooting me?

Keep out of this!

Put the gun down, Tim.

-No.

-Put the gun down!

No!

I think we may have lost focus on the objective here.

I've never been good enough for you, have I?

-What?

-Yeah.

You do everything you can for them, but it's never good enough.

-So true.

-Mm-hmm.

-I'm not your son.

-No.

But I love you like you are.

-Really?

-Seriously?

We're doing this now?

I didn't know you felt that way.

Well, now, you do.

I don't know what to say.

Come here... son.

That's so lovely.

-I'm sorry.

-It's okay, it's okay.

I'm the one who should say sorry.

Now!

[gunshots] [sirens wailing] Ow!

Aah!

Ow!

I'm really sorry.

-You shot me.

-I know.

-Does it hurt?

-Yes!

Hey!

How's our little hero?

Huh?

Losing blood.

Sorry, again, about shooting you.

Are you still angry with me?

-Yes.

-Aw!

-Ow!

-Sorry.

Well, I'll catch up with you at the hospital.

-Okay.

Tim?

-Yes.

Why's he wearing make-up?

I don't know.

Okay, well, I'll get a ride in the police car.

No.

Would you stay with me?

Yeah.

Okay.

No Owen, then?

What did I say?

We didn't want to tell you while, you know, Caitlin was in hospital.

But Owen has made his recommendation on custody.

[tuts] Oh.

Well, I suppose that was... to be expected.

You must be happy.

I'm sorry.

Hey, what are you sorry for?

You get to live with her.

That's punishment enough.

Seriously, I'm sure you're all going to be very happy.

[loud bang] What is that?

I don't know.

It's been going on all morning.

[banging continues] Hi.

Hello?

Oh right, yeah, I forgot to tell you.

I bought the house.

-You?

-Yeah.

How can you afford that?

I don't want to go into detail, but I've been stealing a lot of money this year.

That is true.

Anyway, the thing is, I am going to need someone to help me with the mortgage.

-Me?

-Well, I figure these guys are going to move back into the family home, so what do you reckon?

What do you reckon?

Fancy having me as your new neighbour?

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I couldn't agree more.

Tim!

Tim.

You've got to help me.

I'm in big trouble!

[theme music playing]