(lively music) (Alan) Do you know where we're going today?

-No.

-(Alan laughs) (Alan) You just randomly get in this van... -Well, I trust you.

-Oh, well that's nice.

Thank you.

(Miriam chortles) (Alan) This is Miriam Margolyes.

(Miriam) And this is Alan Cumming.

(Alan) Now, Miss Miriam, please let me take you -on a little... -A wee tour.

♪ We've decided it's time we both reconnected with our Scottish roots.

That's my haggis!

(Alan) Miriam is one of our best-loved actresses... (vocalizing) ...and has lit up stage and screen over a 60-year career.

(Miriam) What do you think of that?

My Glaswegian father instilled in me a love of this great country.

♪ I'm just a tart from the slums.

(Alan chuckles) Alan's an award-winning actor and performer... ♪ It's Saturday night on Broadway ♪♪ (Miriam) ...who has had an amazing journey from Scottish soaps to Hollywood.

(Alan) Heh-heh, that's showbiz!

I love in New York with my husband, Grant, but I was born and raised in Scotland.

All this could be mine, Miriam!

-Mine!

-Well, I don't know about that.

Now, at the grand old ages of 80 and 56... -Grr!

-Oh!

(Alan) ...we're driving 'round the land of our fathers.

These are cute.

I think we've got this.

(Miriam) I'll be showing Alan my Scottish bits...

I wish they could see that we'd come back.

(Alan) ...and I'll be showing Miriam mine.

-Gird your loins, Miriam.

-I am girded.

(Alan) Looking to our past... (Miriam) I feel emotional.

(Alan) This is freaking me out.

(Miriam) ...and experiencing new things.

Oh no, I'm not doing this.

No, forget it.

No, I've had enough of this.

(thwack of arrow's release) (Alan) Nailed it!

...all whilst trying to keep our camper van on the road.

(Miriam) It's that one, it was that one there.

(horn blares, tires screech) (Alan) Don't distract me, all right?

I'm panicking!

-This is the turning here.

-Got it.

-..., sorry 'bout that.

-God help us.

(frantic music slows) ♪ (Alan) Seven hours after leaving the grime of London... Alan!

-Are you up for it?

-Up for what, Miriam?

(chuckling) ...we arrive in Glasgow Central Station, ready for our grand odyssey 'round Scotland.

(Miriam) Well, don't expect me to jump off like that.

I'm not agile.

And waiting in this epically industrial carpark by the River Clyde is our partner in crime.

It's over there.

It's quite big, isn't it?

-Look at this!

-Weighing in at 3,500 kilograms, and with a top speed of 102 miles per hour, it's our camper van.

The main thing is, there's a toilet.

-That is the key... -Yes.

(Miriam) ...to this.

-I tell you what.

-What?

(Miriam) Maybe I can get in there.

(Alan) D'you want me to help?

-Can I touch your bum?

-I want you to!

I'm too heavy.

(chuckling) I'm gonna go in.

(Miriam) Going to sit in the thing.

(Alan) This is great.

(Miriam) Oh, it's not an automatic.

-Uh-oh.

-It means you're gonna -have to drive.

-Oh, Miss Miriam, it'll be my honor.

(lively music) -We're off.

-I think it's better if you drive.

(Alan) I'm totally fine with driving.

Kind of relieved as well.

-You're relieved as well?!

-(Alan laughs) (Alan) Miriam and I want to reconnect with our Scottish roots in the country we love.

(majestic music) So on this first leg of our tour, we'll be reflecting on my childhood in an emotional visit to rural Angus.

♪ Oh, Miriam, I'm sorry, I'm making you cry.

(Miriam) Well...when you think of a child being hurt... (Alan) But before we get there, we'll be exploring in the Highlands, where I've prepared a very personal surprise for Miriam.

(Miriam) I love it!

And we travel east to Cawdor Castle, which has links to one of Shakespeare's greatest plays, to uncover a Cumming family secret.

-The resemblance!

-I know.

-It's uncanny.

-It's crazy.

(Miriam) I'm taking Alan to meet a dear old friend who I worked with in Aberdeenshire a lifetime ago.

-It is 40 years.

-Forty-one years, it's 41 years.

(Alan) ...before heading to the Cairngorms, where we learn how to safely park our poop.

God, it's blue!

(Alan) Now, on the first leg of our trip, Miriam wants to visit an area of Glasgow that's close to her heart.

Can we go to Allison Street?

Do you know the way?

I can find it, I have the technology.

Why do you want to go there?

(Miriam) Well, my father used to live there -when he was a little boy.

-Ahh.

(Miriam) I may sound like a posh old Englishwoman, but my father, Joseph, was as Glaswegian as they come.

He was born in this great city in 1899, after my Jewish grandfather settled in Allison Street, having left Belarus to find a new life in Scotland.

(pensive music) ♪ Many poor working families like mine lived in single-room apartments, hoping to scrape a living from Glasgow's booming textile and shipbuilding industries.

I want to see what my family's first home in Scotland looks like now, 120 years later.

♪ A nan factory!

(Miriam laughs) They make grandmas.

(laughter) -This is it, Miriam.

-This is it!

(Alan) The red door.

♪ -I mean... -I know this is where they lived, um, in 1901.

-Wow.

-'Cause it was on the census.

(Alan) Oh, I see.

There were six of them in about one or two rooms.

Does it make you feel a bit funny?

(Miriam) It makes me a bit sad.

I wish they could see that we'd come back and had a look at it, you know?

(Alan) This is where Miriam's granddad lived.

-Who?

-Her granddad.

We're having a tender moment.

(Miriam) Yes.

They moved up in the world.

(Miriam) But they did start off here.

(Miriam) Aye, true enough.

♪ Alan and I haven't traveled together like this before, and at the grand old age of 80, I'm getting on a bit.

So this camper van is my personal loo and Alan is my personal chauffeur, if he's up to the job.

(gear slips, grinds) (Alan) Oh ... (Miriam) Now, watch your gears (Alan) Both hands on the wheel.

(Miriam) Do you remember your driving test?

(Alan) Yeah, vividly.

I passed the first time, but the man did say, "All right, I'll let you off with it, son."

(Miriam) My knickers fell off...

-What?!

-...the first time I took the driving test.

The elastic must have snapped as I opened the door.

(Alan) What, and then you stood up and your knickers fell down?

(Miriam) It was before I'd got into the car.

I was about to get in, and I felt that soft rustle of-- of silk sliding down my legs.

(Alan) My God, this is like some terrible porn novel.

So you did your driving test -with nae knickers?

-Yes.

Going commando.

(Alan laughs) -And then you failed.

-I failed.

(Alan) 'Cause you didn't have that security.

(Miriam) Is that a lesson?

(lively music) ♪ (Alan) At each stage of our trip, Miriam and I will be taking in turns to be in charge of the itinerary, and our first stop is a treat I've organized.

Something supremely Scottish, but like us, a little bit different.

We're going to a tartan mill called Prickly Thistle, and there's a surprise I've been working on for some time, Miriam.

-Okay.

-Yes!

Something I think you'll like.

As a proud Scotsman, I love working a bit of tartan.

I'm passionate about keeping its heritage alive and I've been helping to crowdfund the rebirth of tartan in this small corner of Scotland.

There's a girl called Clare Campbell, and she's sort of rejuvenated this mill and sort of rejuvenated kind of the sort of notion of tartan and weaving and everything.

So she's, like, this little... -A dynamo of a person.

-A dynamo, she is a dynamo.

It's sort of like the new and the old of Scotland.

Do you know, that's what I really like, when young people sort of-- -Keep the traditions going.

-Yeah, but do it in a new, -exciting way.

-And the skills.

(Alan) Yes, not in a fuddy-duddy way, they're actually really vibrant and modern as well.

Bit like us.

The village of Evanton sits a mile from the Cromarty Firth, an area of outstanding natural beauty.

And though there were once dozens of tartan mills in the Highlands, Prickly Thistle is only one of a handful left.

And little does Miriam know I've been in cahoots with owner Clare for months.

(Clare) We are the only, the most authentic, the most rebellious mill in Scotland.

-The tartan rebellion!

-Yes!

Come in.

-What a magic place!

-Isn't it great?

(Clare) We're about creating tartans that will be the kind of conversation -200 years from now.

-Are they always striped, tartans?

What makes a tartan is this very sort of clear pattern of repetition.

So this is what is the first half of a tartan, it's what we call the warp.

And you can see here, we have a very symmetrical... -And the other bit's the weft!

-Yes!

Zip!

Hired.

(Alan) Look at you, missus.

I see tartan as very much a storytelling cloth.

So tartan, iconically around the world, will immediately be symbolic of somebody belonging to a community, and quite often bloodlines.

The colors would be very symbolic of the meaning... -I love that.

-...of that individual, 'cause I think what's the most beautiful thing about a tartan is that when you wear it, somebody will ask you, -"What tartan is that?"

-Yeah.

Speaking of which, it's time to reveal my big surprise.

(loom clacking) -Miriam.

-Darling.

(Alan) There's a new tartan in the world.

-As of today.

-Called Aliam.

-Aliam.

-Yes.

-You and me, boy.

-Yes.

This is our tartan.

-Is that our tartan?

-Aliam.

I did all this months ago, I chose all these colors for special reasons.

I thought you must have done!

(Alan) So, turmeric for the soil of Australia, your adopted home.

This blue color because it's the Judaica for Hanukkah.

(Miriam) And my mummy called me Birdie Blue.

-Shut up!

-Yeah!

(Alan) That's great, and then this lilac color, because it's the color of sapphism, or les-- -Sapphism, lesbians.

-Lesbians.

-Hooray!

-And then, I chose this green color, 'cause it's the country estate where I grew up.

And corona because yellow's my favorite color.

And then, this pink color is called Lust.

We're both lusty people.

-I love that.

-Isn't it nice?

We've also woven in the word "rebel," which I think's fancy.

You can just see the word "rebel."

-Where?

-R-E-B-E-L. -Oh yes!

-And this is an Aliam tartan blankie for you.

-I love it!

-Isn't it great?

(Miriam) I love it!

(Alan) And this is the official Scottish Register of Tartans.

We're registration number 13,275, the Aliam tartan, on behalf of the keeper of the Scottish Register of Tartans in the National Records of Scotland.

-Ooh, Christ, it's gorgeous.

-Isn't it great?

-Can I keep this?

-That's for you to keep.

-Really?

-Yes!

(Miriam) 'Cause I'll kill anybody who took it away from me.

(Alan) She will.

Or she'd cut you.

-I love it.

-I'm glad you like it.

I love it!

(Alan) Now we're gonna see how they actually weave it.

Ready, Miriam?

I'm gonna put the headphones on.

(Clare) So it's gonna get a little bit noisy.

(dramatic music) (loom clacking) ♪ -Bloody hell.

-Wow, that was amazing.

(Miriam) That's terrifying.

What are those teeth up there?

(Clare) Oh, now, this piece is called... a vibrator.

-Shut up.

-I'm not kidding!

(Alan) How funny that you should choose that bit.

-I chose that bit.

-You chose that bit; that's called a vibrator.

(laughter) But they do wear, and we have to-- -Oh, don't they.

-Vibrators wear.

If you've had trouble with your vibrator -like I've had trouble-- -Never!

We have a little bit of something extra for you.

We knew you were traveling in an RV, so we thought, "Well, let's do something we've never done before."

I know you're looking at this and thinking, "What's that?"

(Miriam) Is that a sporran?

This is a toilet seat cover.

-A scrotum-warmer.

-A scrotum-warmer!

-Big scrotum.

-The list is endless.

(Alan) I love this, this is so great.

-Are you thrilled?

-I'm thrilled.

(Miriam) I bet he is, too.

(Alan) Thank you so much.

(Miriam) Thank you hugely.

(Clare) Honestly, it's an absolute pleasure.

(Alan) And with that, we're back on the road, but not before I make our porcelain throne fit for a pair of queens.

Now I'm going to try and put this on the toilet seat.

-On the toilet seat?

-Yeah.

It's a toilet seat cover, remember?

(Miriam) It is, but I think it's much better as a bag, and I want to have a ...

I'm so sorry.

So you don't want to do this?

(Miriam) Well, could I have my ... first?

(Alan) Yes.

-Thanks.

-I'm all for that.

Thank you.

Right.

Why doesn't the door shut?

(thud) (Alan) There's a camera, dear.

Oh, for ... sake!

Get that ... thing off!

Before I pull it off!

-I coulda ... myself!

-Oh my God!

(lively music) (engine rumbling) ♪ (Alan) We're on our way to Cawdor Castle, just half an hour east of Inverness, where I've got another secret I want to share with Miriam.

♪ Cawdor Castle was built in the 14th century as a private fortress for the ruling clan of Cawdor.

My ancestors worked here for generations, and I've long thought there are skeletons in the Cumming closet that might link me to nobility.

♪ It's entirely plausible that centuries ago, even, one of those Earls of Cawdor had a dalliance below stairs with a chambermaid who was part of my family.

(playful music) Apart from the Cumming connection, Cawdor also featured in a little-known play, Shakespeare's Macbeth.

Well, if it's good enough for the Bard... ♪ Glamis thou art, and Cawdor; and shalt be what thou art promised.

-Thank you.

-Yet do I fear thy nature; it is too full o' the milk of human kindness to catch the nearest way.

Hie thee hither, that I might pour my spirits in thine ear and chastise with the valour of my tongue all that impedes thee from the golden round, which fate and metaphysical aid doth seem to have thee crown'd withal.

♪ Nailed it!

(Alan chuckles) And inside, there's something that might nail the evidence of my ancestors' illicit hanky-panky: a portrait of the 18th century Baron of Cawdor.

(Miriam) So what's the-- what's the surprise?

(Alan) Seem familiar?

(Miriam) My goodness.

(Alan) He was 23 when this painting was done by Joshua Reynolds.

And this is me when I was, like, 19, in the same sort of pose.

It kind of is quite like me, isn't it?

(Miriam) It is.

-The resemblance... -I know.

-...is uncanny.

-It's crazy.

The castle started having these postcards done of the artworks, and so, people started sending me these postcards, and that's when I thought, oh, gosh, my father's family all worked on Cawdor estate, on the farms and on the forestry.

My mum and dad lived on Cawdor estate -when they were first married.

-I mean, he's got the same triangular face that you have.

(Alan) Thanks!

Seeing that chiseled jaw up close, I'm more convinced than ever that there's blue blood flowing through these veins.

All this could be mine, Miriam!

-Mine!

-Well, I don't know about that.

(Alan, chuckling) No.

The raven himself is hoarse that croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan under my battlements.

-Ha-ha!

-Right.

Don't let it go to your head, dear.

(Alan) I think I've got it.

♪ (gentle whoosh of traffic) -I've been thinking.

-What?

(Miriam) You know I'm a genealogist.

-I do.

-Can I suggest that you take a DNA test?

(Alan) What, to find out if I'm related to, if I'm... (Miriam) Exactly.

-...really part of the family?

-Yeah.

(Alan) Well, Miriam Margolyes, I already have!

(chortles) I took it two weeks ago in New York.

-Did you?

-Yes I did!

-Smart boy.

-That's right.

-When do you get the result?

-The end of this week, and my friend-- -Ohh!

-My friend Andrew knows Liza, who is the sister of the current earl, so she's done it as well.

And so, we're seeing if they match up.

-Isn't that hilarious?

-Yes.

(Alan chortles) -Wow.

-I know, exciting.

So the idea that someone like me looking very much like someone from the 18th century could suddenly pop out is entirely plausible.

(Miriam) Darling, it happened in our family!

-Oh, did it?

-Yes!

I--I just discovered, really, about six months ago, that my grandfather had an affair with the woman 'round the corner.

-Wow.

What, in Allison Street?

-And how I discovered was through DNA, because a chap wrote to me who said he had -similar DNA to mine.

-Right, 'cause you leave it on the website and people can contact it.

(Miriam) Yes.

But I didn't know about the secret affair... -Oh, I see!

-...because the ... was 104 years ago.

(Alan) Right, I get it now.

Right, right.

(Miriam) My other cousin said he screwed everything that moved.

(Alan, laughing) My God.

(pensive music) ♪ (Miriam) It's a new day, and we're back on the road and rolling east across Scotland's stunning countryside towards the village of Fordyce that captured my heart many years ago.

And look how lovely it is and how much sky there is.

-Right, right.

-It offers itself to you.

It's not hidden, it's generous, it's... it's laid out for you.

♪ Nestled in rolling countryside and just two miles from the coast, Fordyce can trace its origins back to the seventh century, when the early Christian St. Tarquin founded a church here.

This enchanting village full of quaint stone buildings and winding lanes even has a fairytale castle.

(serene music) This tranquil little spot fills my heart with joy.

♪ I have an emotional connection... -Why?

-...to this place, because...oh my goodness, oh, I shall cry.

-Forty years ago... -Wowzah.

(Miriam) Forty years ago, I came here for the first time to be in a television series.

-Yeah.

-And I was playing Billy Patterson's daughter.

-Daughter?

-Daughter, even though he's younger than me.

(Alan, chuckling) That's showbiz!

(Miriam) Bill Patterson is a legend of stage and screen, perhaps best known as Fleabag's dad, Ned from Outlander, or the voice of The Repair Shop.

But I met him back in the '70s when we made a six-part BBC series called The Lost Tribe, a drama about a Jewish immigrant family living in Scotland.

Billy Patterson is waiting for us.

Such a sweetheart.

-What a great actor.

-And a fabulous actor.

-Oh, look, there he is!

-Hey!

You're here!

Well met!

(Bill) Oh, how wonderful.

-Welcome back to Fordyce.

-Hi, Bill.

(door slams) Oh, let me, Bill, there's a process.

-You've done this before.

-I've gotta go there, test it.

Like eating her food in case of poison.

-Test it.

-Oh yeah.

-There we are.

-And then touching down, -Just one small step... -Touching down.

(Bill) ...for a woman, but a leap for Miriam Margolyes.

-Thank you.

-Oh, how wonderful.

-Welcome back to Fordyce.

-Thank you.

(Bill) Isn't it wonderful to be back?

(Miriam) Oh my goodness, I can't believe it.

-It is 40...40 years.

-Forty-one years, it's 41 years.

(Bill) 1980, we stood up there 'round the corner, beside the phone box.

(Miriam) Let's--let's go... Will you wheel me 'round?

-Can we go for a little... -Yes, ma'am!

-A little stroll?

-Just wait a minute, ma'am, I'll get your chair.

(Miriam) 'Cause I have to have a wheelchair now.

-Miss Margolyes, your ride.

-Thank you.

-Oh, have you?

-Isn't that lovely?

And that means we can go as far as we like, as the actress said to the bishop.

(chuckling) Bill and I loved our time in Fordyce so much, we decided to buy the house we were filming in.

But before we show Alan why the village is so special, Bill's taking me on a trip down memory lane.

(Bill) Aye, now for the reading of the will, yes.

Thousands of pictures, but here's a wee selection.

This is during The Lost Tribe, -this is what... -That's you.

(Bill) This is what we were filming, and this is me as Rabbi-- -no, I was just Moshe Kaydan.

-You weren't a rabbi.

-You just looked so rabbinical.

-I looked rabbinical.

And this was on my 35th birthday, so... (Alan) I see that's a birthday cake you've got there.

(Bill) A birthday cake; Janette Foggo, who was... -Oh, Janette Foggo!

-Oh, I love her!

(Bill) And here's a delightful shot of Miriam visiting the en suite facilities.

-I didn't know you took that.

-Yes, you did.

-Did I?

-You asked for it.

-Was I posing?

-You were posing.

(Alan, laughing) Oh, that's not like you!

(Miriam) It was sort of preparing for the dunny.

(Bill) She said, "This is where I want to go next."

-Look at the legs, though.

-Check those gams, I know!

-That's the exterior... -There's the house.

-...of the house.

-Oh, that is the place, oh.

(Bill) And Miriam in front.

-That's in the garden.

-Yeah, this is in the garden -up at the house, and... -That's a look, Miriam.

-That was my character.

-Oh, that was your character, I see; oh, that makes sense, then.

(Bill) With a demob coat on, you know.

(Miriam) After all this reminiscing, it's time to show Alan our beautiful Fordyce.

Right.

Now, this is known as the leg-over.

(Bill) I've heard about that.

I must try it someday.

(Miriam) Well, I haven't had a leg-over for a while, but there we are.

(Bill) The way you're going, your luck is in, Miriam.

-I know.

-Your luck may be in tonight.

(Miriam) Yep.

I threw my--I threw my posy over the rainbow.

(they chuckle) Bill adores Fordyce just as much as I do, and I can't wait to see if anything's changed since we filmed here 40-odd years ago.

(Bill) This is Fordyce Castle.

It's a little-- little Scots Baronial gem.

1592.

Look at all the features.

Your cobbles... (Miriam) It's been renovated since I was here.

(Bill) Crow-step gabling, turrets.

-Double-glazing.

-The double-glazing, of course, came in in 1593, just the year after, 'cause it was a noisy village in its time.

(sentimental music) I bought a car here, 35 pounds, Ford Escort.

-Wow.

-A guy had been keeping chickens in it.

He just threw the chickens out and sold it to me for 35 pounds, -and I drove it to Glasgow.

-Did it go?

-It went!

-I drove it to Glasgow via the Braemar Gathering to see Her Majesty.

It's a nice feeling, that somewhere that you haven't seen for a while has not deteriorated.

(Alan) How does this make you feel, walking around here?

I know it makes me feel exhausted, going up a hill with an 80-year-old lady in a wheelchair, but how are you two doing?

(Bill) I could take over, but I'm not insured.

(Miriam) I feel emotional, and also, a little bit surprised that it's... -So swanky.

-It's changed in its feeling, hasn't it?

It's a different feeling.

(Bill) It's slightly different, 'cause I think when we were there, and that's 40 years ago, it was-- it was just at the end of its life, or towards the end of its life, as a working, mixed town-- you know, people still connected to the farming.

And you get the feeling now that it's been sought out as a nice commuter village or a restful retirement place.

Which means it looks great and it's got a prosperity that it didn't seem to have then.

(Alan) How much further?!

(Miriam) That's it, isn't it?

That's the end of the village.

-Alan?

-Yes.

(Miriam) Do you understand the magic of this place?

(Alan) I do.

I think it's absolutely beautiful.

It's so...I mean, it's sort of medieval, -isn't it, in its origins?

-Yes, absolutely.

(Alan) It's got that sort of mystery and history, and... yeah, I can totally see why, if you're bunked up here for a bit filming, you think, "This might be the place for me."

Miriam, you know how you love that soup?

That kind of Scottish fishy soup that you get... (Miriam) Oh yeah, cullen skink!

(Alan) Yes, except you call it scullen kink sometimes.

-I only did once.

-Well, once is enough.

But look, over there!

Cullen is four miles away.

See?

-Oh, yes!

-Your skink is at hand.

(Alan) It must be the home of skink.

(Miriam) It's been wonderful to come back and meet my beautiful friend Bill in a place we both love.

-See you, Bill!

-Thank you, folks, -I've missed her.

Bye-bye!

-Thanks for coming, Bill.

(blows kiss) It was magic.

(Alan) Cheerio!

Bye, Alan, bye, Miriam!

-Thank you!

-Write when you get work!

(Alan chuckles) -What did he say?

-He said, "Write when you get work."

(laughter) ♪ What a gent.

(lively music) ♪ Part of the joy of our trip across Scotland's stunning landscape is we get to show each other our Scotland and how it's shaped who we are.

And today, we're heading somewhere that's very personal to me.

Panmure is a rural estate 13 miles north of Dundee and dates back to the 12th century.

We're on the way to Panmure estate, which is where I was brought up.

And, um, I lived there from when I was four... moved when I was four, until 17, until I went to drama school.

(Miriam) How do you feel when you come back?

(Alan) I feel--it's funny, 'cause I've not-- it's been a long time since I've come back, and I feel a bit funny.

Panmure is a rural estate around 13 miles north of Dundee and dates back to the 12th century.

My father was the head forester here, and we lived in one of the estate houses with my mum and brother.

That may sound idyllic, but truthfully, this wasn't a happy place for me.

My father still casts a long shadow over my life.

(Miriam) Despite this, my lovely friend has said he wants to share this part of his life with me because it's shaped the man he is now.

(Alan) So this is where I would come and wait for the school bus every morning.

Gosh, that sign's still the same.

The "Private--authorised persons only" sign.

And this was where I'd walk down this driveway.

Oh my God, this is so weird.

This was where our paperbox was.

I used to come running up here on a Saturday to get my comics.

And I used to hide-- I remember hiding cigarettes behind a tree.

It's like, I'm sort of flashing back and forth -to walking down here.

-It must be flooding back, actually, images and... (Alan) But I--so it's kinda that weird thing.

You know that if you are from a place, and then you go back and you still have a contact with it, I guess because my parents separated and I didn't really... maintain a connection with this area.

(Miriam) I went back to the little place where I grew up.

It was in Oxford, but it was a basement flat, when my parents escaped from the bombing in London, and it was all so much smaller.

-Yeah.

-That's what I couldn't believe, because I'm-- in my memory, because I was a little kid, you know?

(Alan) That's what these driveways feel like here.

(Miriam) And the gardens seemed huge then, and it was just a little scrap.

(Alan) Yeah.

(Miriam) Memory is a strange thing.

(faint birdsong) (Alan) Every day was like a... when I'd walk in here, it was like I'd be under scrutiny from my father.

Like, walking up to school and walking back, it was like this sort of-- (Miriam) Did he single you out for difficult stuff?

-Yeah, I mean, he-- -Or was he cruel to everybody?

(Alan) He was particularly cruel to me and my brother, yeah, yeah, definitely.

But he was like a-- he was also a very-- you know, people were scared of him, other people.

Everybody was scared of him.

He was--he was a tyrant.

And it was sort of like-- it was sort of like I could feel his eyes on me, and I was like, was my hair combed properly?

Everyone had badges on their blazers at school; I'd have to take them off and put them on when I'd go on the bus and put them on again, so I had all these-- I used to have bits of clothing stashed behind trees.

(Alan laughs) -How awful.

-Yeah, it was awful, it was really awful.

(Miriam) Oh!

Hate to think of you going through that.

-Any child.

-Mm.

Right.

Gird your loins, Miriam.

(Miriam) I am girded.

-Can I come with?

-Yes.

Hang on, I'll come and get you.

(birdsong) This used to be our garden, and there was a road over there.

(melancholic music) So crazy.

Some of the most traumatic things in my life happened in this shed.

-Oh, God.

-Yeah.

♪ (Alan) So nuts.

This is, like... ♪ (Miriam) I mean, to me, you know, it's just a shed.

-Yes.

-But to you, there's-- (Alan) There's a lot going on.

My dad--this is where my dad sheared my head with... you know, cut my hair with sheep shears, in this shed.

You know what?

I'm--I'm fine.

'Cause I didn't feel like that when I was a little boy.

(Miriam) I'm sorry you had to go through... -Oh, thank you.

-...such horrible things.

♪ (Alan) That was my bedroom.

Through that hedge, there's, um-- it was just a big lawn.

And, um, I remember one time, my dad wanted me to cut the grass in the dark.

This is freaking me out.

(Miriam) I feel very privileged that Alan's prepared to share what is clearly still an open wound with his traveling buddy.

I hope it's been cathartic.

-How do you feel?

-I feel very wobbly.

(Miriam) I mean, do you feel when you left here, that this was... -that you were escaping?

-Totally.

Totally.

I felt like I got-- it's interesting, I think about it now.

I didn't have a Plan B. I, you know, auditioned for one drama school when I was 17, I got in, and I fled.

I mean, I knew I was never coming back.

-You knew that when you left.

-Yes.

And it's funny to come back and think this, you know-- this would be a lovely place to live, if you hadn't had massive childhood trauma in it.

(Alan chuckles ruefully) It's so interesting.

I know I can go inside.

I'm allowed to go inside today, but I don't want to.

There's too much.

Oh, Miriam, I'm sorry, I'm making you cry.

(Miriam) Well, it's... when you think of a child being hurt by the very person who should provide... That's the biggest mind ..., is that it's the person who's supposed to protect you most of all is the one who's hurting you.

-It's still very difficult.

-It's shocking.

(Alan) Yeah.

It's... (he chuckles ruefully) Come on, let's go.

(Miriam) Yes.

♪ (Alan) My father died in 2010.

Panmure will always be a part of my life, and I hope that one day, I'll be able to go inside my old home.

But for now, it's time to move on.

♪ (lively music) ♪ (Miriam) After a week on the road, the nail-biting wait is almost over.

We're heading back north to Cawdor for the moment of truth: to find out whether Alan's related to the lords and ladies of Cawdor Castle.

But with a long drive ahead of us through the outskirts of the Cairngorms National Park, we've got a rather messy problem to sort out first.

(Alan) The number of Brits opting for a staycation is on the up, and camper vans have grown in popularity.

But some so-called dirty campers have taken to emptying their onboard toilets at beaches and local beauty spots.

♪ But there are a growing number of low-cost sites, called Aires, where travelers can stop to use the facilities.

And after several days on the road, we desperately need them.

This is Miriam, by the way, Ruaridh.

-Hello.

Are you Ruaridh?

-Ruaridh, yes.

(Miriam) Ruaridh Ormiston runs this Aire in Kingussie, on the west side of the Cairngorms.

Where does all of it go once it's gone in your tanks?

(Ruaridh) This goes into a holding tank.

(Alan) And what do you mean, a holding tank?

Holding, what's it holding for?

For ...!

(Alan) No, I know it's for ..., "holding tank" means it's gonna go somewhere else.

(Ruaridh) Yes, it's taken away by a vacuum tanker and they take it straight to the, you know, -to the sewage station, yeah.

-Treatment center.

And then it gets purified, I suppose.

(Ruaridh) I believe that's what they do with it.

(Alan) Your ... will be purified.

My ... would not be purified.

(Ruaridh) You're better not to think about it too much.

This is a man's job.

-Right!

-Although I have-- I have to be very careful, because we get lots of lady campers, you know.

The masculine sort like me, you mean?

-(Alan chuckles) -Well, we have all sorts.

I won't say any more than that.

That's all right, I don't mind.

(Alan) It's not just lesbians that have RVs, Miriam, -all right?

-We've had quite a few ladies traveling solo, and they like the idea of coming in here to stay because they know that it's safe.

They're safe, yeah.

I've just seen there's a goat there with a security jacket on.

(Alan) Small talk over, it's time to do the deed, and with Miriam's high-fiber diet, I'm more than a bit nervous.

(Ruaridh) The important thing is just to take your time when you're doing it.

-We don't want any accidents.

-No, we do not.

(Miriam) Take your time, love.

It's like a little trolley for going to the airport.

Oh, that's good.

(Alan) I feel like a flight attendant from Poop Airlines.

Right.

So what do I do now?

(Ruaridh) Now, you want to take your nozzle out.

(Alan, chuckling) I don't, actually, for once, but... (Ruaridh) If you bend it to the upward position... (Alan, exclaiming) Not without a few cocktails first.

(splashing) God, it's blue!

(Alan) What have you been eating?

(Ruaridh) And then, if you just... (Alan) Right, I'll trolley-dolly my way back.

(Miriam) But before we leave Ruaridh's Aire, he's giving us the opportunity to get up close and personal with a true hairy Highlander.

(Alan) Who is this now?

(Ruaridh, chucking) That's Horny.

-Horny?

-Now, Horny, don't... -be bad with your horns.

-Come on, Horny.

Watch out.

(Miriam) They are pretty.

Well, more they're... impressive.

(Horny snorts softly) (Ruaridh) They're very iconic, of course.

If you come to the Highlands, everybody wants to see -a Highland cow.

-They do, yes.

(Ruaridh) But not everyone gets to see them this close.

-No.

-No!

-This is almost too close.

-And some wouldn't want to, yes!

Thanks to smashing little places like Ruaridh Ormiston's, the Highlands are cleared of crap and we're a little lighter.

And to wind up the week, we're heading back to Macbeth land, Cawdor, just east of Inverness.

(Alan) Glamis thou art, and Cawdor, and shalt be what thou art promised: Yet do I fear thy nature; it is too full of -the milk of human kindness... -How many times have you done this to me?

Earlier in the week, my favorite Shakespearean thesp showed me a painting of the first Baron of Cawdor, who bears a striking resemblance to him.

And today, Alan will finally find out if he's related to nobility.

God help us.

(Alan) ♪ I'm so excited ♪ -I'll bet you are.

-Woo-hoo!

♪ We're on our way to meet Liza Campbell ♪♪ She's got the results of the DNA test.

She hasn't looked at them, apparently, -and she's going to give-- -Now, just remind me -who Liza is.

-Liza is the sister of the current Earl of Cawdor.

-Right.

The Earl's sister.

-The Earl's sister, yeah.

(Miriam) Have you ever met her before?

(Alan) Not in real life, no.

Someone posted that picture, the picture of the man that looks like me, and she commented on it and we started emailing, and we were having a laugh, she's calling me stepbrother and all these things.

-(Miriam cackles) -And so, she's not looked at the envelope, but she's gonna give it to you, and you are going to be like Faye Dunaway at the Academy Awards, and, um... (Miriam) It's the only time in my life I'll be like Faye Dunaway, that's for sure.

(chuckling) (Alan) Two weeks ago, Liza and I sent off saliva samples to test our DNA.

So not only are we about to meet for the first time, today, we'll find out if we're related.

I am as excited as a kid at Christmas.

(suspenseful musical flourish) -Hello.

-Hello!

-How are you doing?

-All right.

(Alan) Ooh, you've got the envelope.

-Hi!

-The envelope!

-Oh my God.

-Yes, yes, yes.

-I'm Miriam, hello.

-Hello, hello, I'm Liza.

This is Sydney.

-Sydney?

-Yeah, who's in a state of emotional collapse most of the time.

-Oh, really?

-I know what that feels like.

-Are you really?

-Come through to the garden, -where we can sit.

-He loves you already.

(Alan) Come on, Sydney.

(Miriam) So you're a bit of an aristocrat, aren't you?

(Alan chuckles nervously) (Liza) Only a bit.

(laughter) About the same amount as Alan.

(Alan, chuckling) Well, we'll see.

(Miriam) We'll see!

Now, what are these things?

(Liza) That's a very wild rose with massive hips.

-Look at them.

-Bit like me!

(laughter) (Liza) Very prickly as well.

-Is that like you too?

-That's also like you.

(suspenseful music) ♪ Did you grow up on the estate?

(Liza) No.

-I was born here.

-Yeah.

(Liza) I think I was the last child to be born here.

-Actually in the castle?

-In the castle.

Must be fun to live in a big old castle.

-It was.

-It's actually not that-- -It's cozy, though.

-We were saying the other day, -it's a manageable castle.

-It's domestic, it's adorable.

(Liza) Yeah.

It's warm.

I mean, when my grandfather had it, the kitchen was at the furthest end of the house to ensure that no food was warm when it arrived, and also, the nursery was as far away from everyone as possible, so... That's a very good idea, though.

Now, you know the picture, don't you?

I do, yes.

-Do you not see a resemblance?

-Yes!

Oh, yes.

Oh, definitely.

People always go and they send me postcards with that picture, going, "What the hell?"

And I said, "I guess I'll never know unless I can get a chunk of the Earl of Cawdor's hair or something," but I've got even better, I've got the saliva of you.

(Miriam) Now, I believe you're holding some information.

-I am.

I'm very excited.

-Me too.

(nervous laughter) -Do you want to take it?

-(Alan hums "Dragnet" theme) (Miriam) "Alan Cumming and Liza Campbell."

(Alan) Oh, I like it, it's very... the calligraphy is very nice.

Like, no pressure, Miriam, but don't ... mess up.

(nervous laughter) (birdsong) Oh, it's like a reality show.

They always leave a gap when the thing's about to come up, for the tension to build.

(Miriam) "Extensive research has been conducted, and we can now reveal that Alan Cumming and Lady Elizabeth Campbell -are not related by blood..." -Ohh!

(Miriam) "...in a way that we are able to measure.

It has, however, been discovered..." -There's a "but."

-"...that Alan Cumming has more Scottish DNA than Lady Elizabeth Campbell."

(Alan laughs) Hampshire Highlander!

(laughter) That's funny.

(Miriam) "We were able also to trace Alan's family on his father's side back to Cawdor.

Please see Alan's family tree, enclosed."

(Alan) Oh!

(Miriam) So that, I think, I will let you look at, because it's far too small print for me to cope with.

Are you disappointed, or... (Alan) I mean, it would have been lovely to be related, but I'm just really glad to have met you, and...

But also, I think there's a "but" in here, and that is, you might be, and we might not be.

(Alan) Right!

(Liza) And I think, quite possible... (Alan) There could have been some lay-by -of the DNA... -That we were-- we're the illegitimate ones.

-There's always that.

-So what you need to do is, John, the romantic pointing one, is buried in Bath Cathedral.

-Dig him up!

-Exactly!

(Liza and Miriam) Dig him up!

(Alan) There's our next series.

(laughter) Next time, Miriam and I travel to the stunning West Coast of Scotland... (Miriam) ...where Alan does a bit of unconventional house-hunting on Loch Broom.

(Alan) It's like estate agent torn from the sea.

(Miriam) ...before driving across to Inverness -to meet a real-life witch.

-And in the fifth, the spell shall hold.

(Alan) And we finish the week in Ard Gower, where we record a unique Gaelic song.

Or go into a private place and record your boobs clattering together.

-How 'bout that?

-(laughter) (lively music) ♪ (bright music)