(lively music) (audience applauding) ♪ Welcome.

Thank you.

How are you?

Welcome to our show this evening.

I think we've got a terrific one for you aside from our regulars, Harvey, Lyle and Vicki, our special, special guest stars this evening are Paul Lynde and Bing Crosby.

(audience applauding) Let's turn up the lights and talk a minute before we get started.

Is there anything--Yes?

(woman #1) You wrote an article on You Don't Have to be Beautiful to be a Movie Star or something like that?

(Carol) That's right.

(woman #1) Well, when I read that I said, "She doesn't realize it but she's beautiful."

(applauding) Have you met my Aunt Louis?

Yes?

(man #1) Out of the characters that you do which one would you say is your favorite?

(Carol) Which character is a favorite one that I do?

I really enjoy the domestic sketches that Harvey and I do the Carol and Sis.

They are more real than anything.

Zelda's fun to do 'cause she's such a stinker, you know, and I'm sure everybody has somebody that they know who's like that, who drives people crazy.

Yes?

(woman #2) Does the character Zelda ever come out in your real life?

(Carol) No.

(laughing) My husband says it does all the time.

The other night I was that.

"Can't you pull this shade down?"

Yeah, I guess it does, you know--Yes?

(man #2) If you believed in reincarnation what would you want to come back as?

If I believed in reincarnation what would I want to come back as?

Raquel Welch.

Okay, don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applauding) (upbeat music) ♪ (male announcer) From Television City in Hollywood.

♪ It's the Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Korman.

♪ Vicki Lawrence and Lyle Waggoner.

♪ (rhythmic music) ♪ (applauding) ♪ -You coming out, Bert?

-Be right there, Molly.

(Molly) Oh, it's a nice October day for the Veterans Parade.

-Bet they'll be a lot of people.

-Always is.

(applauding) Well, how do I look, Molly?

(Molly) Think you better head for Canada.

They're liable to draft you again.

(Bert) Oh, come on, Molly, tell the truth.

I know the shoulders droop a little, the knees are a little baggy and there's lots of wrinkles.

(Molly) But the uniform covers all that up.

(Bert) A little zinger for the old soldier.

(Molly) Oh, come on I'm just kidding.

-Let's sit down.

-All righty.

Give me a little push will you, darling?

Thank you.

-Get mine started.

-Here you go.

(Molly) Woo.

(Bert) I love that rear guard action, honey.

Oh, Molly, I tell you, wearing this uniform again sure brings back memories.

♪ Mademoiselle from Armentières ♪ ♪ Parlez-vous?

♪ ♪ Mademoiselle from Arm...♪ I wonder whatever happened to her.

-Who?

-Little French girl I knew.

Toujour l'amore.

♪ Over there, over there ♪ ♪ It will soon be over, over there ♪ It's over, over here too.

(Bert) Had fun while it lasted, Molly.

This little French girl was crazy about me, just loved me in my uniform.

She was young and I was a dashing American hero.

(Molly) But you married me.

(Bert) That's what made me a hero.

I'm just joshing, Molly.

You know you're the only girl in the world for me.

That remind you of anything?

(Molly) Yankee Doodle.

-Why?

-It's been a long time since he went to town too.

(laughing) (Bert) Say what you want, Molly.

I've got my memories.

(Molly) You talk like you're the only one who's got memories.

I was a nurse in the war, you know.

And there were a lot of soldiers crazy about me.

(Bert) Well, I can believe that, Molly.

Those were desperate men at Valley Forge.

(laughing) -Hi, Molly.

-It's Henry.

Hi, Henry!

Come on over and sit down!

Is Henry gonna march in the parade with you again this year?

(Bert) Yeah, I can't stand him.

It's been 50 years but he can't let me forget he was my commanding officer.

(Henry) How are you, Molly?

(applauding) (Molly) I'm just fine, Henry, have a seat.

-In just a minute.

-What's the matter?

(Henry) I'm waiting for the private to salute a superior officer.

If I see one, I'll salute!

(Henry) That could cost you your stripe.

But I'll forget it this time.

Mind if I sit here?

(Molly) Well, I don't rightly know if that's seat taken.

(Henry) Oh, I wanted to watch the parade with a lovely, charming, beautiful girl.

(Molly) It's not taken.

You look mighty spiffy in your uniform, Henry.

(Henry) Well, I've put on a little weight, Molly.

Fits kind of tight in places.

Especially the hat.

(Henry) At ease, private.

(Molly) What time does the parade start, Henry?

(Henry) 14:00 hours.

(Bert) You don't have that many left.

(Henry) I could bust you for that, private.

(Molly) Now just stop it, you two.

The parade's going to be starting any minute -and you better get going.

-Oh, I don't know if I'm gonna make it this year, Molly.

Tell you what, private.

You have my permission to sit out the parade with me.

(Bert) That's the first sensible order you've given me in 50 years.

(Molly) No, now you two have got to be in the parade.

It just won't be the same without you.

(Henry) They'd never miss us.

Nobody cares about World War I vets anymore.

(Molly) Sure they do, listen to that beat.

Doesn't that grab yah?

(in unison) ♪ Before the parade passes by ♪ ♪ We're gonna go and taste Saturday's high life ♪ ♪ When the rest of them, with the best of them ♪ ♪ While the sparklers light the sky ♪ ♪ For we've got a goal again, we've got a drive again ♪ ♪ We've gotta feel our hearts coming alive again ♪ ♪ Before the parade ♪ ♪ Passes by ♪ ♪ Right ♪ ♪ (applauding) Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bing Crosby.

(audience applauding) It is really a great thrill to have you on our show.

(Bing) Well, it's a thrill to be here, Carol.

(Carol) Thank you, that's--that's really interesting.

Is that your family coat of arms of something?

(Bing) Well, practically, this is the escutcheon of the Pittsburg Pirates.

You know, we won the World Series this year.

-That's right, yeah.

-Pumping it up a little there.

I'm really happy about that.

They're my favorite football team.

-Good night, Gracie.

-Sing, Bing.

(dramatic music) ♪ ♪ Looking through the morning papers ♪ ♪ All the news is bad ♪ ♪ Headlines shout of strife and struggle ♪ ♪ Hate becomes a fad ♪ ♪ It's time to reinstate the golden rule ♪ ♪ And teach it to the kids in every school ♪ ♪ ♪ Think of your fellow man ♪ ♪ Lend him a helping hand ♪ ♪ Put a little love in your heart ♪ ♪ ♪ Take a good look around ♪ ♪ And if you're feeling down ♪ ♪ Put a little love in your heart ♪ ♪ And the world ♪ ♪ Will be a better place ♪ ♪ And the world ♪ ♪ Will be a better place for you ♪ ♪ And for me ♪ ♪ If you ♪ ♪ Agree with me to love ♪ ♪ You gotta love thy neighbor ♪ ♪ ♪ Walk up and say, I'll be here ♪ ♪ ♪ Gee, but I'm glad to see yah, pal ♪ ♪ How's tricks, tell me what's new ♪ ♪ Love thy neighbor ♪ ♪ Offer to share his burden ♪ ♪ Just tell him to say the word ♪ ♪ And you're gonna see him through ♪ ♪ Specially if there should be ♪ ♪ A beautiful girl next door ♪ ♪ You just say to the girl next door ♪ ♪ ♪ Now don't think I'm bold ♪ ♪ But Crosby told me to love thy neighbor ♪ ♪ And you will find your labor ♪ ♪ A great deal easier life will be breezier ♪ ♪ If you put some love in your heart ♪ ♪ Put a little love in your heart ♪ ♪ ♪ Someone's gotta start ♪ ♪ So put a little love in your heart ♪ ♪ ♪ Put a little love in your heart ♪ ♪ ♪ Just put a little love in your heart ♪ ♪ It's time you made a start ♪ ♪ So put a little love ♪ ♪ In your heart ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ (audience applauding) (male narrator) As The Stomach Turns.

When last we left Canoga Falls Marian was just saying goodbye to her portrait painter.

(Painter) Well, Marian, it's been a long session.

You must be tired.

(Marian) Tired but happy.

(Painter) I'm really quite pleased with what we've done today.

-Aren't you?

-Oh, yes.

(Painter) You know, Marian, I've never painted anyone -in the nude before.

-Really?

(Painter) No, usually I keep my clothes on.

Well, goodbye, Marian, same time tomorrow?

(Marian) Get some rest.

(laughing) Oh, it's so rewarding being a patron of the arts.

I wonder where the afternoon newspaper is.

Usually it's here by now.

Oh, here it comes.

(laughing) Thank you.

Oh, I just love the Canoga Falls Courier.

One page of news and nine pages of obituaries.

(gasping) Oh, no, poor, poor Martha.

Oh, I must call her husband Arthur and give him my condolences.

Aw.

Hello, Art, Marian.

Free for lunch?

Wonderful.

Oh, I'll get the doorbell.

(laughing) Why, it's Mel Torment.

Canoga Falls town masochist who's only happy when he's in pain.

-Hello, Marian.

-Hello, Mel, come in.

What can I do for you?

(Mel) First of all, close the door.

(cracking) Ow, that hurt.

Thank you.

(Marian) Mel, Mel, please sit down.

More coffee?

(Mel) Only if it's scalding hot.

(steaming) Ow, that's good coffee!

(Marian) Mel, you're getting more neurotic everyday.

(Mel) Marian, you don't know what it's like being a masochist, always looking for pain.

Desperately looking for some way to be hurt.

Buying shoes three sizes too small, having my teeth pulled whether I need it or not.

It's more than I can stand, Marian.

I'm going out of my mind with this sickness.

(Marian) Mel, control yourself.

-I can't.

-Mel, get ahold of yourself.

-I can't, I can't!

-Mel!

(Mel) Oh, bless you, Marian.

Bless you.

Could you do that one more time, only harder?

-No, Mel.

-How about more hot coffee?

(Marian) Mel, no!

No, no, I will not be apart of this sickness of yours.

You've just got to try to beat it!

(Mel) Beat, oh I just love that word!

Beat me, beat me, beat me!

(Marian) Mel, Mel, you need help.

What about your wife?

(Mel) Oh, she's no help.

I've tried everything, I've stayed out all night, drinking, gambling, carousing and never one harsh word from her.

She's an angel.

I hate her.

(Marian) Mel, when did this problem start?

(Mel) The moment I was born.

The doctor held me by my feet and slapped me.

(Marian) And you cried?

(Mel) No, I turned the other cheek.

(audience laughing) (Marian) Will that doorbell never ring?

I'll get it.

Why, it's a lovely teenage stranger in her underwear.

Come in.

(Marian's daughter) Don't you recognize me, mom?

I'm your daughter.

(Marian) Why, shirley you jest, my daughter is upstairs now taking a shower.

(Marian's daughter) Mom, I ran away from home five years ago.

(Marian) No wonder I have such a large water bill.

Well, how are you and what have you been doing?

Sorry I asked.

(Marian's daughter) I'm on the Olympic track team now, Mom.

I run the 100 yard dash in 10 seconds flat.

(Marian) That will be the day.

-Um.

-I gotta be going now.

(Marian) Who's the baby's father?

(Marian's daughter) Oh, he's the fastest man on the team.

They call him Lightning.

(Marian) Make sure he doesn't strike twice.

Now then, where were we?

Oh, yeah.

Why, Mel, I didn't know you smoked.

(Mel) I don't really.

I just take one puff and put it out!

(laughing) (Marian) Oh, Mel, you just can't go on like this.

(Mel) You're right Marian.

(Mel) You've got to get ahold of yourself!

(Mel) Oh, that's a marvelous idea!

(doorbell ringing) (Marian) I'll get it, you're busy.

Why, it's Father Sarge.

The Canago Falls policeman who became a priest.

-Come in.

-Thank you, Marian.

-What brings you here?

-Well, I wanted to thank you for coming to church last Sunday and I wanted to give you this ticket for double parking.

(Marian) But, Father, you're not a policeman any longer.

(Father Sarge) I know, but old habits, you know, are hard to break.

(Marian) Yes, I understand, I guess you just keep slipping back into the old groove.

(Father Sarge) Oh, it can be very embarrassing, Marian.

Last week, I raided my Bingo game.

-How unfortunate.

-Well, I've got to go along now.

(Marian) You know, Father, someday I hope that you will be the one who will officiate at my wedding.

(Father Sarge) I'll do the best I can.

I'll pray for the miracle.

(audience laughing) (Marian) Now back to Mel's problem.

(Mel) Marian, I need a pain fix.

-Oh-- -I've just got to suffer!

(Marian) Terrible thing to say, bite your tongue!

(Mel) Oh, yes, that's a goodie.

(laughing) Oh, I like that.

(Marian) I know what you need, Mel.

-A good kick?

-No.

-Come on!

-No!

(Mel) Come on, send me to the moon!

(Marian) No, Mel, what you need is love.

(Mel) Ugh.

(Marian) No, you do, you need the love that you were denied as a child, you need the love of a real mother.

I'll get it.

(doorbell ringing) (audience laughing) Why, it's Canoga Falls most loveable buttinsky.

-Come in, Mother Marcus.

-Hello, Marian.

(audience laughing) I'm sorry to interrupt, I didn't know you had company.

Don't worry, I wouldn't stay--Woo-hoo.

Don't worry, I wouldn't stay more than two hours, three at the most.

So aren't you gonna ask me how I am at the least?

(Marian) How are you at least, Mother Marcus?

(Mother Marcus) Don't ask.

My shoes are pinching me.

My bra is choking me and my girdle is killing me altogether.

(Mel) How'd you like to trade clothes?

(Mother Marcus) I don't believe I've met the acquaintance.

(Marian) Mother Marcus this is Mel Torment.

(Mother Marcus) How do you do, I'm sure.

So now that we're best friends, why don't you sit down, take a weight off.

Sit down, Marian, please.

Sit down, would you like a piece of fruit?

A chocolate, nothing?

So, um, what line of work are you in?

(Mel) I'm a fulltime masochist.

(Mother Marcus) From this you make a living?

(Marian) You don't understand, Mother Marcus, a masochist is someone who likes to suffer.

-You got children?

-No, I don't.

(Mother Marcus) A lot you know about suffering.

I got four sons.

A lawyer, a doctor, an engineer, and a CPA.

Four geniuses and not one knows how to use the telephone.

You understand what I'm talking...

But enough about me, have I got a girl for you.

My only daughter.

(Mel) I'm married already.

(Mother Marcus) My only daughter running around with a married man!

You got some nerve!

I'll give you what's on mine now.

(Mel) Oh, thank you, thank you.

(Mother Marcus) Thank you, you says?

(Marian) Mother Marcus, Mel is sick.

(Mother Marcus) He's sick?

Why didn't you tell me in the first place.

I have with me my first aid kit.

Some hot chicken soup.

(Mel) Oh, how hot is it?

(Mother Marcus) Don't worry, wouldn't burn yourself.

(Mel) Oh, then I don't want any.

(Mother Marcus) Try it, you'll like it.

-I don't want any!

-Don't holler at me you little pipsqueak!

Listen, you eat it, you're not too old for a spanking.

(Mel) Spanking?

You wouldn't dare.

(Mother Marcus) Oh, now couldn't I.

You come here!

I'll give you!

-More, more!

-More?

Boy is he a meshugana, I'm getting up.

(Marian) Wait!

Before you leave, there is something I have to tell all of us.

(male narrator) What is it that Marian has to say?

And what about Mel Torment?

Will he satisfy his need for punishment and whip himself into shape?

And what about Mother Marcus?

Will she be surprised when she finds out that her sons plan to send her on a long vacation to Egypt.

(laughing) And what about Marian's Olympic track star daughter?

When she crosses the finish line will she set a new record by coming in first and second?

And what about Father Sarge, the policeman turned priest.

Will he leave Canoga Falls or remain as pastor of his church Our Lady of the 12th Precinct.

(laughing) And what about Marian and her painter?

Will the passionate relationship continue?

Or will he discover she's only a still life?

For the answers to these and other unimportant questions tune in tomorrow.

As The Stomach Turns.

(audience applauding) (Carol) I--I didn't mean to keep you waiting, Bing.

It just took me a little extra time to get into this dress.

(Bing) ♪ Pause time in thy flight ♪ ♪ A vision of such loveliness appears within my sight ♪ (Carol) Where?

(Bing) ♪ Such diffident humility is quite a rare delight ♪ (Carol) I don't know what you're saying but go on.

♪ For I a poet, panegyric odes ♪ ♪ I would compose ♪ ♪ To catalogue each virtue ♪ ♪ From your head down to your toes ♪ ♪ I blush in living color at each phrase ♪ ♪ Meer words do not suffice ♪ ♪ To who sing your praise ♪ ♪ I'm your humble servant ♪ ♪ Ever in your debt ♪ ♪ I've got one ♪ ♪ Would you acquiesce ♪ ♪ Good word, fine choice ♪ ♪ To a brief duet ♪ ♪ I acquiesce ♪ ♪ And sing ♪ ♪ You name the tune ♪ ♪ Sing a song ♪ ♪ I love to groove ♪ ♪ Sing out loud ♪ ♪ I don't sing that way now ♪ ♪ Sing out strong ♪ ♪ Get Bob Goulet now ♪ ♪ Sing out good things not bad ♪ ♪ A spirited roundelay brimming with zest ♪ ♪ Sing out happy not sad ♪ ♪ That's really the kind I do best ♪ ♪ Let's sing ♪ ♪ Sing a song ♪ ♪ And make it simple ♪ ♪ To last your whole life long ♪ ♪ And let's make sure it's good enough ♪ ♪ For everyone else to hear ♪ ♪ We're gonna sing ♪ ♪ Sing a song ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ ♪ Boo, boo-boo, boo, boo-boo, boo-boo, boo ♪ ♪ Forget your troubles and just get happy ♪ ♪ You better chase all your cares away ♪ ♪ Sing Hallelujah, come on get happy ♪ ♪ Get ready for the judgment day ♪ ♪ The sun is shining, come on get happy ♪ ♪ The Lord is waiting to take your hand ♪ ♪ Shout Hallelujah, come on get happy ♪ ♪ We're going to the Promised Land ♪ ♪ We're heading 'cross the river ♪ ♪ Wash your sins away with the tide ♪ ♪ You'll discover life is peaceful on the other side ♪ ♪ Forget your troubles and just get happy ♪ ♪ You better chase all your boos away ♪ ♪ Shout hallelujah ♪ ♪ Hallelujah, get happy ♪ ♪ Happy music's here to stay ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪ ♪ La, la, la ♪ ♪ A little higher ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ ♪ Let's sing ♪ ♪ Sing ♪ ♪ Sing a song ♪ ♪ Sing a song ♪ ♪ Sing out loud ♪ ♪ Sing out loud ♪ ♪ And sing out strong ♪ ♪ And let's make sure it's good enough ♪ ♪ For everyone else to hear ♪ ♪ Everybody sing ♪ ♪ Sing a song ♪ ♪ Sing it in the morning ♪ ♪ Sing a song ♪ ♪ We're gonna sing it in the evening ♪ ♪ Sing a song ♪ ♪ Sing a little louder ♪ ♪ Sing a song ♪ ♪ Like Harry Belafonte, sing a little song ♪ ♪ Sing, sing, sing ♪ (audience applauding) (male narrator) Stay tuned now for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show and our version of an old fashion melodrama following Station identification.

I'm so very proud of our dancers I'd like you to meet them individually.

This is Carl Jablonski.

Stan Mazin, Don Crichton, Ed Kerrigan, Eddie Heim, Roy Smith, Bobbie Bates, Patty Tribble, Shirley Kirkes, Kathy King, Gerri Reddick and Bonnie Evans.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy to introduce to you the Ernie Flatt Dancers.

(applauding) (rhythmic music) ♪ ♪ Feeling so good ♪ ♪ ♪ Feeling so good ♪ ♪ ♪ Feeling so good ♪ ♪ ♪ Feeling so good ♪ ♪ ♪ Feeling so good ♪ ♪ ♪ Feeling so good ♪ ♪ (groovy music) ♪ (flute music) ♪ (Jazzy music) ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (lively music) ♪ ♪ As a tragedy we listen in silence ♪ ♪ At a comedy we cackle like geese ♪ ♪ Only one form of theater offers ♪ ♪ total emotional release ♪ ♪ ♪ From sorrow and anguish ♪ ♪ gay and heartbreak ♪ ♪ Through triumph and joy and delight ♪ ♪ ♪ So be not genteel, pray express all you feel ♪ ♪ It's a real melodrama tonight ♪ ♪ (squeaking) (piano music) (Daughter) Oh, father, are we not happy now that you have sworn off demon rum.

(Father) Oh, yes, my dear daughter.

Pray continue at the piano.

(laughing) Oh, the arch cunning of a drunkard.

♪ Oh, yes, we're lifting our spirits ♪ ♪ Spirits ♪ ♪ Lifting our spirits ♪ ♪ Spirits ♪ ♪ Lifting our spirits every day ♪ ♪ Oh, yes ♪ ♪ We're lifting our spirits ♪ ♪ Spirits ♪ ♪ Lifting our spirits ♪ ♪ Spirits ♪ ♪ Mother dear since you went away ♪ Why, something is amiss with the piano.

Gasp!

Demon rum, oh!

Father, how could you?

Foiled again.

Oiled again.

Oh, horrid vice.

-Daughter.

-Father, you have lost your employment, we are indebt to the bank, the cupboard is bare, we are in constant hunger and poverty and now demon rum threatens to spoil all this happiness.

(Father) Than I shall up demon rum!

-Good, Father!

-I'll switch to demon gin.

(Daughter) Oh, Father, no, you promised dear departed mother that you would never touch that infernal poison again.

(Father) Ah, yes, I remember the vow she made me take.

I shall take this instrument of the devil -and throw it into the flames.

-Yes!

Oh, sob, sob, alas, what am I to do if those villainous bankers come to collect our debt we shall be thrown out into the bitter night.

And look!

It is beginning to snow.

And look!

It is beginning to snow.

(knocking) Hark, is that a knock I hear?

(knocking) Is it ever.

(dramatic music) It is the villainous bankers, twins, Meeny and Moe.

-I'm Meeny.

-I'm Moe.

(Meeny) We are evil persons.

(audience booing) (Moe) Boos don't bother us.

(Father) Booze don't bother me either.

(laughing) (Meeny) We've come for the money you owe us.

(Moe) You have five minutes to pay.

(Meeny) Or we'll take away your home.

(Father) More, more time, I beg of you, more time.

Will nothing melt your heart of stone.

(Meeny) No, but your breath is melting his watch.

(Father) Say, take anything we have, take it all!

-But not our happy home!

-For if you do, we shall be thrown out into the snow.

(Meeny) Very well, we'll both take your daughter's hand in marriage.

(Daughter) Marry the two of you?

But that would be bigamy.

(Meeny) Big of you?

It's big of us.

(Moe) Come my proud beauty!

-Father!

-No!

I will not give you my daughter.

(Meeny and Moe) Curses.

(Father) She is pure, innocent!

Untouched by any man.

(Daughter) Curses.

(laughing) (Meeny) If you will not give her to us then we will take her by force!

(Daughter) No, no, a thousand times no!

(Moe) You'll live in a big house with many servants.

(Daughter) No, no, a hundred times no!

(Meeny) You'll have fancy clothes and fine furs.

Fifty times no.

(Meeny) We're gaining on her.

You'll have rubies and diamonds.

(Moe) Emeralds and pearls.

Twenty times no.

(Meeny) And you'll have us.

(Daughter) You just blew it.

(screaming) (Father) Help, help, help!

(Jack Strongheart) Unhand that woman.

(audience cheering) (Daughter) And who are you pray tell?

Sergeant Jack Strongheart to their rescue.

Come into my arms, fair beauty.

(Daughter) What is this strange passion I feel?

Satan is pulling me towards his arms.

Satan is pulling me towards his lips.

If they behind me, Satan, and push!

(Jack Strongheart) Ah, sweet maiden, you're so pure.

Dast I kiss you?

(Daughter) Dast, dast!

-So!

-So!

(laughing) (Meeny) I said "So" not "Snow."

(Moe) You have not defeated us yet!

(Meeny) Come to the tavern, kind sir.

Where mayhaps we can resolve your financial woes.

(Moe) Once there we will ply him with drink and then he signs over his dilapidated house and daughter.

(chuckling) (Daughter) No, Father, please do not go.

They are leading you into temptation.

(Father) Well, they better, I'm in no condition to find it myself.

(Daughter) Alas, all is lost.

Oh, what shall I do?

I know, I think I'll faint.

(Jack Strongheart) The poor innocent maiden has fainted.

She must lie down in her bed.

The bedroom door is locked.

(Daughter) Foiled again.

Oh, Jack Strongheart, I must go at once to the tavern before those evil bankers triumph over my poor, weak father.

-Wait!

-Oh, my.

-I will go with you.

-No, nee.

I have something more urgent for you to do.

-And what's that?

-Stay here and find that key.

(upbeat music) ♪ (lively music) ♪ (cheering) ♪ I can't help it if my manner is saucy ♪ ♪ I can't help it if my words are risqué ♪ ♪ I know it's naughty ♪ ♪ but when I'm in a room full of men ♪ ♪ I just can't help ♪ ♪ but say...♪ ♪ Tra-la-la ♪ ♪ Boom-de-boom with my eyes ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom with my lips ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom with my feet ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom with my hips ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom with my skirt ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom with my knee ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom tell every man in the room ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom with me ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la ♪ ♪ Boom-de-boom ♪ ♪ With my eye ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom ♪ ♪ With my lips ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom ♪ ♪ With my feet ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom ♪ ♪ With my hips ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom ♪ ♪ With my skirt ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom ♪ ♪ With my knee ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la boom-de-boom tell every man in the room ♪ ♪ Sha-la-la-boom ♪ (Daughter) Stop!

♪ De boom ♪ (Daughter) Stop!

♪ De boom ♪ (Daughter) Stop!

Father, stop your drinking.

-One more.

-But you are on the road -to ruin!

-Well, let's have one little one for the road.

(Daughter) Woe is me, what shall I do?

I know!

I think I'll sing.

♪ The fire has gone out ♪ ♪ And the dog ran away ♪ ♪ Papa, papa, papa ♪ ♪ The well has run dry ♪ ♪ And the chickens won't lay ♪ ♪ Papa, papa, papa ♪ ♪ The goat ate the Bible ♪ ♪ The horse has gone lame ♪ ♪ And Grandfather swallowed his comb ♪ ♪ P.S Aunt Rose and the Parson got caught in the hay ♪ ♪ Papa, papa, come home ♪ ♪ (audience applauding) (men) Get her out of there!

(Daughter) Papa!

-Sign your cottage over to us.

-And we'll cancel your debts.

(Father) Should I sell my house to buy more demon drink?

Yes or no?

(audience) No!

(Father) Well, it was close but yes it is.

(Moe) His goodie-goodie daughter won't help him now.

(evil laughing) One more time.

(Daughter) Help, help!

(Jack Strongheart) Have no fear, Sergeant Strongheart is here!

(Moe) I'll soon get rid of him with the help of the painted woman!

O.P Dubyah.

Kill.

(painted woman) Hello there handsome.

Care for something intoxicating?

(Daughter) No, Jack, tell her you belong to me.

(Jack Strongheart) I am torn between good and evil.

Shall I choose this young and innocent maiden and a lifetime of sweet matrimony?

(audience cheering) Or shall I throw away my life for one hour of mad passion?

(audience boos) -Sweetheart.

-Yes!

(Jack Strongheart) I'll be back in an hour.

(Father) Oh, it looks like you win you fiends.

-Sign the deed.

-Wait, all is lost--not lost!

I have come to a decision.

I will marry the both of you.

-Good.

-Good.

(Daughter) But first, let us toast our wedding.

Get the hooch.

Little do they-- Little do they know that when they get drunk I shall get the deed.

A toast to the bride!

(in unison) To the bride!

(Daughter) A toast to the grooms!

(in unison) To the grooms!

(Daughter) A toast to the painted lady!

(in unison) A toast to her boom-de-booms!

(Daughter) A toast to my father, the drunkard.

(in unison) The drunkard!

(Father) I'll drink to that.

(Moe) No, no--no more toasts.

(Daughter) Oh, Father, Father, I have the deed in my hand and I can rip it to tatters.

But of what avail is that to me?

You're still hooked on the sauce.

Oh, the iniquitous vessel!

(dramatic orchestral music) ♪ Vile ♪ ♪ Vile, vile temptation ♪ ♪ That causes naught but pain ♪ ♪ ♪ Vile ♪ ♪ Vile, vile temptation ♪ ♪ Go dribbling down the drain ♪ ♪ Vile ♪ ♪ Vile, vile temptation ♪ ♪ It's easy to abstain ♪ ♪ From the vile, vile, vile temptation ♪ ♪ By singing this vile refrain ♪ ♪ Oh, ladies ♪ ♪ Sweethearts ♪ ♪ Wise ♪ ♪ All you mothers ♪ ♪ Find a tavern ♪ ♪ Find a saloon ♪ ♪ And empty it ♪ ♪ By singing this tune ♪ ♪ Vile, vile, vile temptation ♪ ♪ That causes naught but pain ♪ ♪ Vile, vile, vile temptation ♪ ♪ Go dribbling down the drain ♪ ♪ Vile, vile, vile temptation ♪ ♪ It's easy to abstain ♪ ♪ From the vile, vile, vile temptation ♪ ♪ While singing this vile refrain ♪ -I repent!

-Oh, Father!

(Moe and Meeny) We repent!

(audience applauding) (in unison) We repent!

(Jack Strongheart) I repent.

(painted lady) Even I repent.

(Daughter) Oh, Father, if only mother were here to share our happiness.

(dramatic music) ♪ ♪ Mother, mother, mother ♪ ♪ Mother is happy ♪ ♪ She'll rest now in peace ♪ ♪ And Father will nevermore roam ♪ ♪ How pleasant to say at the end of our play ♪ ♪ Papa ♪ ♪ Papa's come home ♪ (audience applauding) Let's give a final "boo" for a real villain, pollution.

(in unison) Boo!

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes a time we have to say b--b--So long ♪ (applauding) (uplifting music) ♪ (male narrator) The song Good Feelings was previously recorded.

♪ (applauding)