(jazzy music) (applause and cheering) ♪ Welcome to our show!

This evening, aside from our regular group of wonderful performers, Harvey Korman, Lyle Waggoner, and Vicki Lawrence, we have a very special show for you.

Our guest stars are Roddy McDowall and the Jackson 5!

(cheering) Let's turn up the lights and talk.

Do you wanna say anything?

Yes?

(girl) Um... Oh, you forgot!

-That's all right.

-Do you like the color -of your hair?

-Do I like the color of my hair?

Yes!

I like the color of your hair, and I wish mine was as natural as yours is!

You don't like to be a redhead?

-Yes, she does.

-Oh, you do, well, I'm glad--you do, too.

Oh, it's beautiful!

Look at that, that's gorgeous!

-Yes!

-I just wondered if you went streaking yet.

If I have gone streaking yet?

Oh, my... (applause) No, I think there's enough violence on television.

(woman) What's your favorite character to do?

(Carol) My favorite character to do.

I'm gonna do one tonight that I just love.

It's a whole brand new one that we're doing.

It's one of my favorite sketches that we've ever done.

She's--actually, I'm doing my grandmother in it, if you really wanna know.

-Yeah!

-Who's your favorite actor?

My favorite actor, I have a few.

James Stewart is certainly tops on the list, and, well, I'll leave it at that, 'cause I've said it before about him.

-Yeah!

-What's your favorite color?

My favorite color is yellow.

Uh-huh, yes, that's what you've got on, too!

(girl) Are you gonna do I Do!

I Do!

again?

(Carol) Yes, I am, I am gonna do I Do!

I Do!

again.

Rock Hudson and I--I'm no fool-- we're taking out the play, we're going to be in Dallas and St. Louis and Kennedy Center in Washington this summer.

Uh-huh, thank you for asking!

That's a good plug, and you're not a plant, so I thank you.

Don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) (dramatic music) ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood... ♪ ...it's The Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Korman... ♪ ...Vicki Lawrence, and Lyle Waggoner.

♪ (applause) It isn't often that we have a real, honest to goodness movie star on our show, so we're really excited about tonight's-- one of tonight's guests.

He starred in pictures when he was-- well, he started when he was about yea high, and he was in such movies as How Green Was My Valley, My Friend Flicka, Lassie Come Home, Planet of the Apes, Cleopatra, the list goes on forever, so instead of talking about him, I'd love to bring him out here, one of Hollywood's nicest gentlemen and one of Hollywood's most familiar faces, Roddy McDowall!

(applause) Hello, Roddy.

(Roddy) Hello, Carol.

(Carol) Well, um, how have you been?

(Roddy) Oh, I've been just fine.

You're looking wonderful, Carol.

Oh, thank you, I-- (laughing) Well, so are you, Roddy.

(Roddy) I should.

I just spent the weekend in Palm Springs.

I was working on my tan.

(Carol) I think you succeeded!

Um, Roddy, you've done so many wonderful films, I was just curious, and I'm sure the audience is, too.

Is there any one particular film that has influenced your life in any way?

(Roddy) There most certainly is, Carol.

There is one movie I made that had a profound influence on my life, and if you don't mind, right now, I'd like to do a scene from that movie.

(Carol) Oh, thank goodness!

That's what I was hoping for.

Okay, okay, go right ahead, Roddy McDowall!

(applause) Oh, great and beautiful Cleopatra, the Roman legions are advancing!

They will soon overthrow thy throne.

There is only one escape.

Quickly, hide behind the pyramids!

(applause) (Carol) Roddy, am I-- that's a scene from Cleopatra.

(Roddy) Well, yes, Carol, that is my favorite film.

(Carol) And that's the one that's had the greatest influence on you?

(Roddy) Well, yes, Carol... Carol, why are you staring at me like this?

I mean, you know, it really is terribly embarrassing.

(Carol) Oh, I'm sorry, it is rude of me.

Roddy, um, would you like to see yourself right now on television?

(Roddy) Oh, yeah, I'd like that a lot.

(Carol) I think it would do you a great deal of good.

Why don't you go over here to these monitors?

Just look at yourself there.

-Carol!

-Roddy.

(Roddy) Carol, why didn't you tell me?

I've got a smudge on my chin!

Being on your show with a smudge on my chin, that's terrible.

That's better.

Now, what about our duet?

You wanna do a duet, you still do?

(Roddy) Well, sure, don't you?

Well, okay, you're a guest.

(orchestral music) ♪ ♪ Now I know why Mother ♪ ♪ Taught me to be true ♪ ♪ She meant me for someone ♪ ♪ Exactly like you ♪ ♪ (Roddy) ♪ I'm not much to look at ♪ ♪ Nothing to see ♪ ♪ Just that I'm living and lucky to be ♪ ♪ But I got a woman crazy for me ♪ ♪ She's funny that way ♪ (Carol) ♪ And when I told them ♪ (Roddy) ♪ And when I told them ♪ (Carol) ♪ How wonderful you are ♪ (Roddy) ♪ How wonderful you are ♪ (Carol) ♪ They didn't believe me ♪ (Roddy) ♪ They didn't believe me ♪ (Carol) ♪ They didn't believe me ♪ (Roddy) ♪ They didn't believe me ♪ (Carol) ♪ Your lips, your eyes ♪ ♪ Your ears, your hair are in a class beyond compare ♪ (in unison) ♪ You're the loveliest thing ♪ ♪ That one could see ♪ (Roddy) ♪ We will raise a family ♪ ♪ A boy for you, a girl for me ♪ (in unison) ♪ Can't you see how happy we would be ♪ (Roddy) Hey, woo!

-♪ Speak low ♪ -Huh?

(Carol) ♪ When you speak love ♪ (growling) ♪ Yesterday withers away ♪ ♪ Too soon, too soon ♪ ♪ I wait ♪ ♪ Darling, I wait ♪ ♪ Will you speak low to me ♪ ♪ Speak love to me ♪ (Roddy) ♪ There's danger, dear ♪ (Carol) ♪ This feeling is new ♪ (in unison) ♪ But true ♪ (Carol) ♪ I'm hopelessly mad for you ♪ -♪ When I'm close ♪ -♪ Just hold me, hold me ♪ -♪ To you, dear ♪ -♪ Enfold me ♪ (in unison) ♪ The stars fill the sky ♪ (Roddy) ♪ So in love ♪ (Carol) ♪ So in love ♪ (Roddy) ♪ So in love ♪ (Carol) ♪ So in love ♪ (in unison) ♪ So in love with you ♪ ♪ My love ♪ (chittering) (Carol) You know, you are kinda cute.

Oh, I'm sorry.

(in unison) ♪ Hello ♪ (applause) (Carol) I must tell you what a wonderful gentleman and sport Roddy is.

It takes you how long to get into this makeup?

(Roddy) Uh, about three and a half hours.

(Carol) Three and a half hours he has been in makeup for just these few minutes out here together.

He will be back in the flesh a little bit later on in the show, but I thought it would be interesting, Roddy was kind enough to bring a little short film of showing you how-- what happens when he gets into this makeup, and if the folks here will watch the monitors, and, of course, you folks at home, watch your television sets if they're on.

-And, uh... -I have a very brave friend called Paul Anderson who got up at three o'clock in the morning to take these.

That's Joe DiBella starting with the first-- this is the first part of the makeup.

(Carol) It looks like a clown right there.

(Roddy) Yeah, the makeup's in three basic sections, you see that?

Then you put all that junk all over you, and the ears are separate, and then there's a chin piece that will go on.

You'll see in--there.

And then after that, there's the wig and toupée, and then all the individual hairpieces that are put on.

(Carol) And they black out your own teeth on the bottom.

(Roddy) Yes, that's rather disgusting, yeah.

And then one minute is three hours' work, you see, and then hand toupées, which I'm not wearing tonight.

(Carol) Yeah.

Oh, there he goes, there's blacking out the teeth.

-That's right.

-Well, you couldn't eat when you did that, could you?

(Roddy) No, not really, because it just gets very messy and breaks the-- you can smoke, though.

There it is.

(Carol) That is really remarkable.

(applause) You should--right now, you should go and get all that off so you can be back with us-- (Roddy) Yeah, but you've been such fun, I think you deserve at least one ear.

And take the other one for good measure.

-Thank you!

-Bye-bye!

(applause) One of the joys of succeeding in life is making your family proud of you.

The worldly honors and recognition are wonderful, but the best part of all is returning home after many years to share your achievements with your loved ones at a long awaited family reunion.

(mellow music) Mama?

Mama, you'd better hurry on up and get out here!

I've already made the lemonade, and Philip's gonna be here any minute!

Woo-wee, is it hot!

Oh, is that him, Ed?

(Ed) I don't know, it's a taxi!

Does Phil have a brown tweed sports coat?

(Carol) Ed, for crying out loud, I haven't seen him myself in five years.

How would I know what he's got or hasn't got?

Oh, it is!

It is, it's him!

It's my famous baby brother!

Mama, hurry up, he's here!

Oh, Philip!

-Philip!

-Oh, Euni!

(Eunice) So good to see you!

Sweet thing, oh!

Oh, Mama called us just as soon as she got your call from the airport and she's been in there prepping ever since!

Oh, what am I doing?

You come on in here, honey, and you just sit right down and you relax!

Oh, I wanna know every single thing you've been up to!

-I hardly know where to begin!

-Oh, and what is this about you flying right back to the airport?

-I'm sorry, I've got to-- -Well, that's just not fair.

I mean, it's just not fair to any of us!

There's so much we have to catch up on!

-Oh, Ed.

-Hi.

(Ed) Hi, Phil--oh, I'm sorry.

Good to see ya, nice to see ya, boy.

(Eunice) Ed came over right from work today just as soon as I called him.

(Ed) Yeah, I'm pretty much my own boss down there now.

(Eunice) Yeah, he finally did get that promotion.

He's manager now.

Acme Hardware.

That was last year when they moved to the new shopping mall.

Oh, Phil, Phil, I know you've been all over the world, honey, but you have got to see our new shopping mall.

-It is fabulous!

-Yeah?

-Yes!

-Oh, I'm pretty much my own boss down there.

Come and go as I please.

I've got an awful good assistant manager, Mickey Hart.

Doesn't know much about varnishes and stains, but when it comes to your nuts and your bolts-- (Eunice) Ed, Ed, Phil didn't come all this way to hear you jabber on about Mickey Hart.

-Well, my work is interesting-- -Well, if you ask me, he is a lame brain and I sure wouldn't leave a store of mine in his charge.

(Ed) Now, come on, Euni!

-Mr. Hart's a good old boy.

-Mama!

Mama?

Phil is telling us all about his world travels!

And he's just gonna have to repeat the whole thing if and when you get out here!

Oh, Ed, for heaven's sakes, honey, be sure and say something nice to Mama when she comes out and be sure and compliment her hair.

She has done nothing but fuss with it all afternoon.

(Phil) I will, I will, I will.

(Eunice) Well!

How is the career going?

(Phil) Well, now, you know, it's going pretty good.

-Mhm, mhm.

-Last year, I won the Nobel Prize, and then this year, I won the Pulitzer Prize for my new book on India.

(Eunice) Gosh, I can't remember the last time I read a book clean through.

You remember when I was a kid, I used to just whizz right through them Nancy Drew mysteries.

And now, what with our brood, I'm lucky if I got time to read the TV Guide.

-Oh.

-Ooh, and that reminds me.

I wish you'd put that TV Guide back on the television when you're through with it.

Took me a half hour to find it last night.

(Eunice) It was right there under your big fat nose -the whole time.

-Well, I couldn't see it under my big fat-- (Eunice) Ed's biggest beef in life is not knowing where the TV Guide is.

(Ed) You're right it's my biggest beef.

-I got my-- -Mama!

Oh, but I wanna hear about you!

(Phil) Well, you know, that book, that book I wrote on-- (Eunice) Oh, honey, you know I'm a little worried -about you, though.

-You are?

-You look haggard.

-I do?

(Eunice) You really do--not too long ago, I saw a picture of you on the cover of some magazine.

(Ed) Oh, yeah, that was your Time, Time Magazine.

Mickey Hart subscribes to that and he brings it into the shop before he throws it away-- (Eunice) Here we go again, another chapter on Mickey Hart.

Can you forget him?

Couldn't you, Ed, could you do that one little thing for my sanity?

Besides, it wasn't Time Magazine, anyway.

I mean, what in the hell would I be doing reading Time?

Anyway, your picture was on the cover of this magazine, and it just happened to catch my eye when I was over there at the mall -and, oh, that mall-- -It was on Newsweek, too, you know, it was on Newsweek too!

(Eunice) Newsweek, well, maybe it was Newsweek, but I don't know, I didn't like it, 'cause your eyes were all puffy and your face was all thin and drawn.

(Phil) That wasn't a picture, that was a drawing, -it was a caricature.

-Well, whatever it was, you looked awful.

I mean, I was embarrassed to tell anybody you was my brother.

Is that my little darling?

-Mom!

-Is that my baby boy!

My baby, you sweet angel, you!

(Phil) You look wonderful!

I love your hair!

(Mama) Oh, you couldn't possibly, it's filthy.

Eunice told you to say that, now, didn't she?

(Phil) No, no, no, she didn't, no, no, she didn't.

(Mama) Come rain or shine, I get my hair done every Friday at three o'clock, but last Friday, no.

That sister of yours there has to pawn off those two little holy terrors of hers on me.

All you had to do was say no, Mama.

(Mama) Well, you said you'd be back here at 2:30.

You know what time she got back here?

-No, I don't-- -I couldn't help it if Dr. Hansen kept me waiting for an hour and a half!

(Mama) 3:15!

I had to go to church Sunday with my hair filthy, it's a wonder they let me in the door.

Dr. Hansen's a quack, anyway.

-He is not a quack!

-Well, I wouldn't take my dog to him!

(Eunice) Phil, you have got to meet Topaz.

-Who?

-Topaz!

He is the cutest little French poodle -we got Mama for her birthday.

-Smart as a whip, too, -just like my boy-- -I'm gonna go find him--Topaz!

(Mama) Eunice, not now, he's taking his nap!

(Eunice) Well, forgive me for living!

(Mama) He just loves to sleep on the foot of my bed after his lunchie.

Except he hasn't been doing his business at all regularly.

(Eunice) Mama, that is passing!

Ed and I had the same trouble with the boys.

(Mama) Well, it sure is odd you never did tell me.

Well, for Pete's sakes, why rile you up?

I knew it was passing!

(Mama) Just seems kind of odd, that's all.

I mean, you and Phil have never had any problem that way, unless lately, Phillip?

(Phil) No, no, Mom, everything is just fine in that department.

(Mama) Well, why don't you just sit right down over here, Philip, and tell me all about India.

-All right!

-Now, why do they let those cows just run all over the street there and do anything they want?

(Phil) Oh, you see, Mom, they're sacred.

That's a tradition that goes back for centuries-- (Eunice) Shh, listen, listen, listen!

Mama, I found Topaz, he's in your bedroom.

You have got to come in here and see this dog.

He is the cutest thing you have--keep quiet!

(Ed) What's that little dickens doing?

(Eunice) He's up on those hind legs in the middle of my pillows looking out the back window.

What is he looking at?

-Look at him!

-I can't believe that dog.

(Eunice) Oh!

Oh, Philip!

You frightened Topaz, he ran into the bathroom.

Now I bet he won't even come out and say hello.

-Oh, of course he will.

-I'm sorry!

(Mama) Now, if we all just sit down and ignore him, he'll be out here before you know it saying, "What in the world's going on out here?

All these strange men I never did see before!"

(laughing) (Ed) I tell ya, Mother, that dog is human!

(Eunice) A lot more human than you are, Ed!

(laughing) Mom!

Hey, you know, I'd love to take you on a trip to Europe with me.

(Mama) Eunice, what in the Sam Hill is the matter with you?

-What have I done now?

-Putting this lemonade pitcher on my good antique table without so much as a doily under-- would you look at the ring that left there?

I bet you don't treat that Danish modern junk of yours like that.

(Eunice) Oh, Phil, you just gotta stay over one night -and see our new house!

-Oh, no, Euni, I'm sorry, I can't.

I've gotta catch that plane to London tonight.

I've got this interview with Princess Anne!

-Well, put it off!

-I can't!

She's arranged a schedule, everything!

(Mama) Why aren't you interviewing the queen?

She too uppity to talk to you?

(Phil) Well, no, Mom, you see, the book I'm writing-- (Mama) You know, Philip, what I wanna know is is Prince Charles really in love with whatshername?

You know, Grace Kelly's daughter.

-Caroline, Mama.

-Caroline, are you sure?

(Eunice) It's Princess Caroline!

Okay, whatever you say!

(Ed) It said in Time Magazine they never even met.

(Eunice) Well, well, well, well, seems to me like Mickey Hart's subscription to Time Magazine sure does keep you up on-- (Mama) Will the two of you please shut up?

Philip is trying to tell us about Caroline and Charlie!

-Sorry, Mom.

-You see, Mom, I'm afraid I don't know too much about them.

You see, I've been in India writing that Pulitzer Prize-- (Ed) So, Phil, you're gonna stick with this writing game, huh?

(Phil) Well, yeah, I think I might just as well give it a whirl a little while longer.

Oh, come on, now, I mean, it really isn't steady now, -though, is it?

-You know what?

I betcha if you wanted to, you could wangle yourself a column or something right here on the Raytown Morning Star.

(Ed) There's a job for ya, a little job security.

(Eunice) Then you wouldn't have to keep gallivanting all over the world and burying yourself in places like India, of all the godforsaken places.

(Phil) India's fascinating, Euni!

I mean, you meet the most interesting characters.

(Eunice) Characters?

You wanna meet characters, honey, all you gotta do is walk down the main street of Raytown any time of the day or night.

We have got 'em, isn't that right, Ed?

(Ed) Oh, do we!

Phil, do you know, we got a bald woman right here on this block?

(Eunice) Gospel truth, that woman is bald, she ain't got a hair on her head!

Boy howdy, I'd like to write about her.

You couldn't write your way out of a paper bag.

Phil's the only one in the family with any talent.

(Eunice) Well, I had other talents, Mama.

I took piano and voice, didn't I?

Whenever we had company over, you always asked me to sing and play, didn't ya?

-I did not!

-You did so, and don't you walk out on me like that!

You did too and you know it!

I did, too!

I used to do Turkey in the Straw, and then for an encore, I'd do the Isle of Capri!

(Mama) Philip does not wanna hear that, Eunice, for crying out loud, he's been all over the world!

(Eunice) Oh, and I'm just a stick in the mud, is that what you're saying, Mama?

I'm a no-talent nobody, that's what it is, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, sure, Phil always got all the As in high school and I always got all the Cs.

That's what you're saying, well, go ahead, Mama, rub it in like you always do.

(Mama) Eunice, wait till you see what that little dickens-- (Eunice) What's he doing, Mama?

(indistinct chatter) (Mama) Ed, look at that!

There's something out there he wants today.

He's going to get it, I'm telling you.

-He's the cutest thing.

-I don't believe that dog!

(mixed chatter) (Phil) Well, Mom, I think I'd better be getting along.

It's quite a way to the airport, I don't wanna miss that plane.

(Mama) Philip, I understand, you do what you gotta do, 'cause you're a busy working man.

It sure was nice seeing you again.

(Eunice) It sure was, honey.

And don't make it so long between visits.

(Ed) Good seeing you, Phil.

You come on back here, you hear?

Come on back.

(Eunice) I think he's looking at a bird.

(mixed chatter) Hey, Mom?

Would you like me to send you a copy of my new book?

(Mama) Oh, you don't have to do that, Philip.

Besides, I got so many books now, I don't know where to put 'em.

-Look at him!

-He is a cutie!

Well, so long!

(in unison) Shh!

(Mama) Run along now, son, win another prize.

(Ed) Hey, Phil, make sure you close that screen door after you.

(Eunice) Yeah, honey, the flies are gonna get in the lemonade.

Oh, Phil?

Be sure and get rid of them puffy eyes.

I'll try.

-Eunice, look at him.

-That dog, -he could be in the circus!

-I tell you, he's human!

I tell ya, that dog is human!

(applause) (playful music) ♪ (humming) (clattering) -You moron, look at me!

-What's the matter, Charlie?

You have a bite with Mrs. Olsen?

I see you stopped off the truck and got some coffee too, huh?

(carpenter) Yeah, but I plan to drink mine.

(Charlie) Hey, did you notice, they even got a dame -driving that truck now?

-Hey, yeah, I saw that!

Isn't that something, boy, those dames are moving in everywhere.

Wouldn't it be something if that new helper they're sending over today turns out to be one?

(Charlie) Get outta here!

Can you imagine a broad building a house?

The first thing they'd wanna put up would be the curtains.

(carpenter) First thing she'd build would be the garage, have a place to send you to smoke.

(Charlie) Yeah, I could just see you working with a chick.

"Oh, excuse me, Rebecca.

Would you help me saw this two-by-four in half?"

(carpenter) "Oh, not now, I have a headache."

(Charlie) Yeah, we got nothing to worry about on that score.

Why, they wouldn't even be able to carry a toolbox!

(helper) You'd better be careful with that hot coffee!

You almost burned your bra!

(Charlie) Hey, wait a minute, you're a carpenter?

-Why, yes, I am.

-Oh, boy.

Oh, I'll tell you one thing right now, sister, you're gonna have to pull your own weight around here.

(Charlie) Yeah, can you handle a rip saw?

-Yes, I can.

-Oh, you can, huh?

-Yes.

-We gotta cut all those boards and put 'em up on that wall over there.

(Charlie) Yeah, for the next eight hours, there's gonna be a lot of rippin' and bangin' around here.

You sure you can handle it?

(helper) Sure.

(Charlie) All right, let's get started.

-Hand me that board.

-Hand you the board?

What's the matter, you pregnant?

No wise cracks, just hand me the board!

(carpenter) Where does it say, "Slave hands board to master"?

My, we're a little touchy today, ain't we?

I got this naggin' headache.

(Charlie) Never mind, I'll take the board myself.

Would it be too much trouble if I asked you for some nails?

(carpenter) Anything you say, Master.

(Charlie) Give me the nails.

(hammering) (carpenter) Oh, don't do that!

Put 'em in your pocket, not in your mouth, that's disgusting!

Honestly, I don't know how I've worked with you all these years.

Get a new guy on the job and he sees you do something filthy like that?

Yuck!

Oh, don't do that!

Don't put 'em back in the keg!

Other people got a nail out of that keg, you know.

(Charlie) Hey, you!

Will you show him where carpenters keep their nails?

All right, come on, give me a hand with this board, will ya?

-I'd be happy to.

-Well, come on, let's get going.

Wasted enough time already.

-Ahh!

-What's the matter?

-I broke a fingernail!

-So what?

(Charlie) So what?

You expect me to play darts tonight with that?

(carpenter) Boy, are you a complainer!

You're even worse than George!

(Charlie) Never mind about George.

I won't hear nothing about George, he's my best friend.

-Oh, is that right?

-Yeah.

(carpenter) Well, how come I saw him at the ball game last Tuesday night with Harry?

-You're lying.

-Am I?

Why don't you call him and find out for yourself?

(Charlie) You know I can't call him now, he's down in the sewer!

-Well, it's true anyway.

-You know what?

You know what I think you are?

You're nothing but a lowdown, lying, vicious gossip!

-Oh, yeah?

-And I never wanna speak to you again as long as I live!

(carpenter) Well, that's just fine with me, buddy boy.

Hey, hey, helper, come over here a minute.

Will you tell Mr. Wilson there for him to go ahead and do his half and I will do my half?

(helper) He said, Mr. Wilson, that you should go ahead and do your half, and then he'll do his half.

(Charlie) Yeah, yeah, okay, and you tell him that I will do my half as long as he stays over there and does his half, and what's more I will do my half in half the time that it takes him to do his half.

(helper) All right.

-Did you get that?

-Yeah, I got that, now I want you to tell him... (helper) He said he has a new place for you to keep your nails.

-Why, I oughta-- -Whoa, now, now, now, just wait a minute, hold it, because I've got something to tell both of you!

The job is finished, I just did it all.

-What?

-Hey, that's a good job, too!

(carpenter) Gee, I guess we weren't very fair.

(helper) You weren't very much help either.

(Charlie) Well, gee, we're sorry about that.

(helper) Well, look, that's okay.

Let bygones be bygones.

Hey, what about if I buy you guys a beer, huh?

(carpenter) Oh, well, you see, we usually just go on -over there to McGinty's-- -Oh, listen, forget it, I understand, no, that's okay.

(mixed remarks) -Our language gets kinda rough.

-Really, I understand, -it's okay.

-You know, it's not that we wouldn't enjoy your company, but you know, I don't even think they've got a ladies room over there at McGinty's, you think?

-I haven't seen one-- -I never seen-- (carpenter) I mean, you did good work here.

(helper) Okay, well, thanks, I'll be seeing you!

(Charlie) Seeing you, my foot!

You're coming with us!

-Well, what about the guys?

-Well, forget about the guys.

(Charlie) Forget them, they're nothing but a bunch of male chauvinist pigs anyway.

Let me hold your box here.

Hey, shall we?

(applause) (dramatic music) (announcer) And now back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time we've had these young men on our show and we're absolutely thrilled that they're with us and we sure hope it won't be the last.

They've been a delight the whole week.

The Jackson 5.

(applause and cheering) (Jackson 5) ♪ Dancin', dancin', dancin' ♪ ♪ She's a dancin' machine ♪ ♪ Oh, babe, move it, baby ♪ ♪ Automatic systematic ♪ ♪ Full of color self-contained ♪ ♪ Tuned and gentle to your vibes ♪ ♪ Captivating, stimulating ♪ ♪ She's such a sexy lady ♪ ♪ Filled with space age design ♪ ♪ She's movin', groovin' ♪ ♪ Dancin' until the music stops now ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Rhythmatic, acrobatic ♪ ♪ She's a dynamite attraction ♪ ♪ At the drop of a coin she comes alive ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ She knows what she's doin' ♪ ♪ She's super bad now ♪ ♪ She's geared to really blow your mind ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ ♪ Dancin, dancin', dancin' ♪ ♪ She's a dancin' machine ♪ ♪ Ah, baby ♪ ♪ Do it, baby ♪ ♪ Dancin, dancin', dancin' ♪ ♪ She's a dancin' machine ♪ ♪ Oh, baby ♪ ♪ Move it, baby ♪ ♪ She's a dance, dance, dance, dance, dancin' machine ♪ ♪ Watch her get down, watch her get down ♪ ♪ As she do, do, do her thing, right on the scene ♪ ♪ She's a dance, dance, dance, dance, dancin' machine ♪ ♪ Watch her get down, watch her get down ♪ ♪ As she do, do, do her thing, right on the scene ♪ ♪ Come on, baby ♪ ♪ Come on, baby ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ ♪ Shake it, baby ♪ ♪ Shake it, baby ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ ♪ She's a dance, dance, dance, dance, dancin' machine ♪ ♪ Watch her get down, watch her get down ♪ ♪ As she do, do, do her thing, right on the scene ♪ ♪ She's a dance, dance, dance, dance, dancin' machine ♪ ♪ Watch her get down, watch her get down ♪ ♪ As she do, do, do her thing, right on the scene ♪ (applause and cheering) (mellow music) ♪ (telephone ringing) (Harvey) I don't think I've ever heard of a public telephone ringing.

I mean, unless, you know, there's somebody standing there waiting for it.

(Carol) I don't think I have either.

(Vicki) I did once.

It was one of those dumb radio shows, you know, where they pick out a phone number and then dial it and it turned out to be a public phone booth!

(Lyle) Yeah, I remember reading about that.

Seems this guy just picked up the phone and answered some very simple question and he won $2,500.

(Harvey) I imagine the chance of that happening twice would have to be about a million to one, wouldn't it?

If you're like me, it would never happen.

-I never win anything.

-I'm sorry I brought -the whole thing up.

-Yeah, so am I.

(telephone ringing) (mixed yelling) -Come on!

-Wait a minute!

(Harvey) I was sitting closer than anybody!

(Lyle) Hold it, hold it!

Now, if this is a call from a quiz show, anything we win, we're gonna split four ways, agreed?

-Okay, okay, let's get it!

-If we win, -it's even-steven, okay?

-All right!

-All right, answer it.

-Hello?

Terrific, we waited too long.

(Lyle) Well, if you hadn't have been so greedy.

-Me?

-All right, hey, hey, come on, so we blew it, forget it.

(laughing) -What's so funny?

-We are!

I mean, look, imagine four grown-ups, right?

Here we are acting like a bunch of kids.

(Harvey) You know, you're right, it is funny.

(Carol) I mean, like you said, the chances of that being a quiz show -were about a million to one.

-More like two million to one.

(Carol) Well... Looks to me like that bus just isn't going to come, so I guess I'll just walk home.

It's only about 12 blocks.

(Lyle) Yeah, I guess I'll go over to the corner and wait for a taxi.

(Harvey) Oh, there's a bar across the street over there!

I think I'll go over there and have a drink and watch until the bus comes.

(Vicki) Well, I guess I'll go down to that little store down the street and get some pantyhose.

These are shot.

(Carol) Very nice meeting all of you.

So long, partners!

(Lyle) Bye.

(telephone ringing) (yelling) (Carol) Wait a minute, I thought you were gonna get a belt, drunko!

(Harvey) Twelve blocks, who are you trying to kid?

-What about your taxi, hotshot?

-Pantyhose, you didn't fool me -for a minute!

-All right, now-- hey, come on, we're still partners.

We go even-steven four ways.

All right, answer it, answer it!

(Carol) Hello?

-You're kidding!

-What?

Shh!

It is, it's a dial-a-buck radio show!

-I can't believe it!

-What?

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening, uh-huh.

What is it?

The question today is how many letters are in the headline of the Daily Globe?

-You had the paper!

-I threw it in the trash can.

Hold on, hold on, we'll be right with you.

Get the paper!

-Quick!

-I'll get it.

(mixed chatter) -Come on!

-Okay, 36!

-Thirty-six, hurry!

-Thirty-six letters!

(dial tone humming) (Carol) Hello?

C'est la vie!

(chuckling) (crying) (applause) (soft music) ♪ (Roddy) Taken?

No.

(Roddy) Intruding?

(Carol) No.

-Ooh.

-Sorry.

-Clumsy.

-No.

-Yes.

-Untrue.

True.

(Roddy) Graceful.

Please.

(Roddy) Sorry.

Forgiven.

Married?

Yes!

-Impertinent?

-Yes.

Sorry.

You?

What?

(Carol) Married?

(Roddy) Yes.

Lovely.

Mmm.

Children?

(Roddy) Two.

(Carol) Three.

-Handful.

-Quite.

Salt?

(Carol) Certainly.

-I-- -Yes?

-Audacious.

-What?

-You.

-Me?

-Yes.

-What?

Lovely.

Please.

(Roddy) Sorry.

Name?

Hilary.

Rex.

(Carol) Majestic.

-Inappropriate.

-Suitable.

-Sweet.

-Don't!

(Roddy) Sorry.

-Happy?

-No!

(Roddy) Husband?

(Carol) Yes!

-Why?

-Busy!

-Neglectful?

-Yes!

-Idiot!

-Don't!

(Roddy) Sorry.

You?

What?

-Happy?

-No.

-Wife?

-Frigid.

No!

-Pepper?

-Here!

-Affair.

-Affair?

-Yes.

-Us?

-Please.

-Impossible.

-Rubbish.

-Madness!

Immoral!

True.

(crying) -Going.

-Now?

-Must.

-Please?

-Must!

-Hilary.

Whatever you do, don't look back.

Chatterbox.

(applause) (dramatic music) (mixed chatter) (announcer) Attention, class, attention, class.

Today you will have a substitute teacher, Miss Sylvia Newton.

(groaning) (boy) Hey, hey, cool it, here she comes!

-Shh!

-Shh!

(clearing throat) (Miss Newton) Good afternoon, class.

(students in unison) Good afternoon, teacher.

Mmm.

Today, I'm going to show you that learning to read music is fun.

Yes.

Learning to read music can be very helpful to you in your life, particularly if your field is going to be opera, like Enrico Caruso, or if you wish to become a popular rock and roll star like Frankie Laine.

-Frankie Laine?

-Who's he?

I don't know, I think he's one of those old singers like David Cassidy, I don't know.

Yes, learning to read music is simple, very simple.

Just think of the notes as people!

And you think of the lines of the staff as their home.

You really do!

Now, this is Mr. A.

He is sharp.

This is Mrs. B, she is flat.

(laughing) Knock it off!

All right, now, if Mr. A and Mrs. B get married and move into a home, can you tell me what happens?

(boy) Yeah, they give birth to the blues.

(applause) (Miss Newton) No, they don't!

They give birth to Baby C. -Aww.

-Aww.

Yes, now, to review, this is a sharp, this is a flat, and this is a natural.

That ain't no natural.

This is a natural!

(cheering) (Miss Newton) All right, class.

Now that we have the basic elements, perhaps we could try a song?

I know it will be difficult for most of you newcomers to get into the beat of it, but let's everybody try and do the best you can.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

♪ A, B, C ♪ (students) ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ A, B, C ♪ (students) ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ That's a simple melody ♪ Quiet!

(in unison) ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ A, B, C ♪ Very good.

(boy) You know, fellas, this is a lifetime.

(boy) Can't we split?

(boy) Split now?

Mama paid in advance.

What do you mean?

(Miss Newton) No visiting, no visiting.

The earth just moved.

You see what can happen when you pay attention?

All right.

Now, we're going to learn about the rests and the beats.

As long as there are long rests, then we have little catnaps, you understand.

First, we will take a long rest to the count of four.

Ready?

Rest, two, three, four, awake, two, three, four.

Rest, two, three, four, awake, two, three, four.

Super.

Now, a catnap.

(mellow music) Rest, beat, rest, beat.

(in unison) Rest, beat, rest, beat.

(Miss Newton) You keep that going and I will sing a song.

(students) Rest, beat, rest, beat.

(Miss Newton) ♪ This old man, he played one ♪ ♪ He played knick-knack on my drum ♪ ♪ With a knick-knack paddywhack ♪ ♪ Give a dog a bone ♪ ♪ This old man came rolling home ♪ (in unison) Rest, beat, rest, beat, rest, beat.

(Miss Newton) Now, everybody.

(in unison) ♪ This old man, he played one ♪ ♪ He played knick-knack on my drum ♪ ♪ With a knick-knack paddywhack ♪ ♪ Give a dog a bone ♪ ♪ This old man came rolling home ♪ Rest, beat, rest, beat, rest, beat, rest, beat.

(Miss Newton) Now, you'll each get a chance to show us what you have learned.

Jackie, you start.

(Jackie) ♪ This old man, he played two ♪ ♪ Played his horn till he turned blue ♪ ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪ ♪ Just a beat behind ♪ ♪ This old man will blow your mind ♪ (cheering) (Miss Newton) Jermaine, your turn!

(Jermaine) ♪ This old man, he played three ♪ ♪ He played bass in any key ♪ (vocalizing) ♪ Played it day and night ♪ ♪ This old man is outta sight ♪ (cheering) (Miss Newton) Tito, are you with me?

(Tito) ♪ This old man, he played four ♪ ♪ He's the one the girls adore ♪ (Marlon) ♪ Ooh, pretty baby, ah, yeah ♪ (Tito) ♪ This old man, he knows the score ♪ (Miss Newton) Michael!

(Michael) ♪ This old man, he played five ♪ ♪ Full of soul and full of drive ♪ (scatting) -♪ He's the baddest man alive ♪ -Very good!

(cheering) Randy, let me hear you!

(Randy) ♪ This old man, he played six ♪ ♪ Beats on congos just for kicks ♪ (drumming) ♪ He ends up with all the chicks ♪ (cheering) (vocalizing) (Michael) ♪ You went to school to learn, girl ♪ ♪ Things you never, never knew before ♪ (Jermaine) ♪ Like "I" before "E" except after "C" ♪ (Michael) ♪ And why two plus two makes four, now, now, now ♪ ♪ I'm gonna teach you ♪ ♪ All about love, girl ♪ (Jermaine) ♪ Sit yourself down and take a seat ♪ ♪ All you gotta do is repeat after me ♪ -♪ A, B, C ♪ -♪ A, B, C ♪ -♪ Easy as one, two, three ♪ -♪ One, two, three ♪ (Jackson 5) ♪ Ah, simple as Do, Re, Mi, A, B, C ♪ ♪ One, two, three, baby, you and me, girl ♪ -♪ A, B, C ♪ -♪ A, B, C ♪ -♪ Easy as one, two, three ♪ -♪ One, two, three ♪ (in unison) ♪ Ah, simple as Do, Re, Mi ♪ ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ One, two, three, baby, you and me, girl ♪ (indistinct singing) (Jackie) ♪ Come on, let me teach you just a little bit ♪ (Jermaine) ♪ I'm-a gonna teach you how to sing it out ♪ (Michael) ♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪ ♪ Let me show you what it's all about ♪ ♪ Reading, writing, arithmetic ♪ ♪ Are the branches on the learning tree ♪ (Jermaine) ♪ But listen without the roots of love everyday, girl ♪ (Michael) ♪ Your education ain't complete ♪ ♪ Tea-tea-teacher's gonna show you ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Teacher's gonna show you ♪ ♪ How to get an "A" ♪ ♪ How to get an "A" ♪ ♪ How to spell "me," "you," add the two ♪ ♪ Listen to me, baby, that's all you got to do ♪ ♪ Oh, A, B, C ♪ ♪ It's easy as one, two, three ♪ ♪ Ah, simple as Do, Re, Mi ♪ ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ One, two, three, baby, you and me, girl ♪ ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ One, two, three ♪ ♪ Ah, simple as Do, Re, Mi ♪ ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ That's how easy love can be ♪ ♪ That's how easy love can be ♪ ♪ Sing a simple melody ♪ ♪ One, two, three, you and me ♪ ♪ Ahhh, yeah ♪ ♪ Ahhh, yeah ♪ (Michael) Get with it, girl!

I think I love you!

Get up, girl!

Show me what you can do!

(Jackson 5) ♪ Shake it, shake it, baby ♪ ♪ Shake it, shake it, baby ♪ ♪ Shake it, shake it, baby ♪ ♪ One, two, three, baby ♪ ♪ Let me see it, baby ♪ ♪ Do, Re, Mi, baby ♪ ♪ That's how easy love can be ♪ ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ Easy as one, two, three ♪ ♪ Ah, simple as Do, Re, Mi ♪ ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ That's how easy love can be ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪ ♪ Let me show you what it's all about ♪ (ensemble) ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ Easy as one, two, three ♪ ♪ Ah, simple as Do, Re, Mi ♪ ♪ A, B, C ♪ ♪ That's how easy love can be ♪ ♪ I'm-a gonna teach you how to sing it out ♪ ♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪ ♪ Let me show you what's it's all about ♪ ♪ Do, Re, Mi, A, B, C ♪ ♪ One, two, three, baby, you and me ♪ -Hey, ba-ba-re-bop!

-Hey, ba-ba-re-bop!

(Carol) This old girl is rocking!

And rolling.

(ensemble) ♪ Rest, beat, rest, beat ♪ ♪ One, two, three, baby, you and me ♪ Hey!

(applause) (announcer) Tune in next week when Carol's guest will be Carl Reiner!

And remember, pollution is an enemy of all mankind, so let's do our best to get rid of it.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Goodnight.

(applause) (jazzy music) ♪ (applause continues) ♪ (announcer) Dancing Machine by the Jackson 5 was previously recorded.

The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

♪