(lively music) (applauding) ♪ (clapping and whistling) Welcome to our show this evening.

Thank you, thank you.

We have a good show for you.

Our special guests, along with our regulars Harvey Korman and Vicki Lawrence, are John Byner and Helen Reddy.

(applause) Turn up the lights--see if y'all have anything you wanna say, any questions at all--yes.

-Uh-huh...oh, it's a duet.

-How many?

The lady behind, and then the gentleman.

-Yes.

-What do you think of -Elvis Presley?

-Oh, I love Elvis Presley.

You do too--okay, yes.

(man) I just want--just wondering how many years has The Carol Burnett Show been on?

-This is our eighth season.

-Thank you, because I-- You're welcome--thank you--yes.

(man #2) I called the Registration of Voters and asked if I could write your name in for governor, and they said you didn't declare in the primaries, but if you ever run for anything, the whole Registration of Voters will vote for you.

You want me to run for governor?

(applauding) Tonight, we have somebody with us that you don't know, and I don't even know him actually, but he won a scholarship back east that I had sponsored for the most outstanding senior in the theater arts, and the professors choose them.

And he wrote me, said he was gonna be coming out here, and part of the scholarship was that he could come and just say, "Hello," and be on the show.

And he wants to get into show business, and it's just a break, and it-- Well anyway, I'd like to introduce him to you, and to myself-- his name is Kenny Solms.

(applauding) (Kenny) Really nice to meet you.

(Carol) Come on down--we hadn't met.

-You're Kenny.

-I'm Kenny, and you're Carol.

I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.

-Well, I'm very happy that-- -It's just gonna be great.

-That you won.

-You're happy?

My whole life's changed-- I'm just so excited.

(Carol) Oh, well that's great-- what are you gonna do with the scholarship money and the whole thing?

(Kenny) Oh, the scholarship money-- that's been-- that blown, so to speak, already-- you know, flying out here.

(laughing) -You?

-The whole thing-- I went first class--I figure, "I'm not going back."

-Oh, I see, you mean wanted to.. -Yeah.

(Carol) ...come out here and you're gonna settle?

(Kenny) Settle right here, yeah.

-That's great--in California?

-At CBS.

Right here, and be with you, and do skits and songs, and I'm--I'm just so thrilled that you're giving me that chance, Carol-- I really appreciate it.

-And I'm gonna be good.

-What--?

-Well, no, I-- -And I'm gonna make what you wanted good, really.

-Well, the scholarship-- -I'm gonna change my name-- that's the first thing-- you gotta change your name, because Hollywood, I think, a Kenny, it sounds too cute.

"Kenny," you know--I think I'm gonna change my name, -everybody does.

-To what?

(Kenny) Lyle.

(laughing and applauding) It worked for him, right?

(Carol) Uhh.

-Well, I, uh--I-- -It's gonna be great.

I've been looking for my dressing room, though-- I don't know where to put my stuff.

(Carol) Kenny--you, uh-- I think you got the scholarship mixed up.

See, what it was is just some money -to help you take lessons and-- -We'll have so many laughs, Carol--wait till you hear me in sketches.

I memorize all my lines, I know songs, I can dance.

I can't wait--and my family -must be just so thrilled.

-Your family's--?

(Kenny) Does this show get seen in Philadelphia?

(Carol) Yeah, I think so, yes.

(Kenny) Hi, Mom.

(Carol) You told your folks you were gonna be a regular?

(Kenny) Oh, they're gonna even come and be in the audience one week, I hope, to see me in sketches and things.

-They watch our show?

-Oh, they do.

I mean, they'll especially watch now--they used to go out on Saturday night, but I think they'll stay home now.

(chuckling) They have to--their son on national television.

-Yeah, right--well-- -Me in the CBS family.

-Well, yeah-- -Me, you, Tony Orlando, and Dawn.

(Carol) Well-- (laughing) I think you're under a misapprehension about-- -we'll talk about it.

-Oh, we'll do everything.

We'll sing!

(Carol) I'll talk--after the show, -I'll see you, okay?

-We'll go out for dinner maybe, you know, wherever you wanna take me.

(laughing) -Okay.

-Thanks again.

Thank you--Kenny Solms.

(applauding) Okay, we got a big show for you, so don't go away.

We'll be right back.

(applauding) (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show!

(upbeat music) ♪ With Harvey Korman.

(applauding) ♪ And Vicki Lawrence.

(applauding) ♪ A very special lady tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

A wonderful person, and the holder of nine gold records.

Ms. Helen Reddy.

(applauding) (mellow music) ♪ ♪ You live your life in the songs you hear ♪ ♪ On the rock and roll radio ♪ ♪ And when a young girl doesn't have any friends ♪ ♪ That's a really nice place to go ♪ ♪ Folks hopin' you'd turn out cool ♪ ♪ But they had to take you out of school ♪ ♪ You're a little touched, you know ♪ ♪ Angie baby ♪ ♪ ♪ Lovers appear in your room each night ♪ ♪ And they whirl you across the floor ♪ ♪ But they always seem to fade away ♪ ♪ When your daddy taps on your door ♪ ♪ Angie girl, are you all right ♪ ♪ Tell the radio good night ♪ ♪ All alone once more, Angie baby ♪ ♪ ♪ Angie baby, you're a special lady ♪ ♪ Living in a world of make-believe ♪ ♪ Well, maybe ♪ ♪ ♪ Stopping at her house is a neighbor boy ♪ ♪ With evil on his mind ♪ ♪ 'Cause he's been peeking in Angie's room ♪ ♪ At night through the window blind ♪ ♪ I see your folks have gone away ♪ ♪ Would you dance with me today?

♪ ♪ I'll show you how to have a good time, Angie baby ♪ (female singer) ♪ Angie baby, Angie baby ♪ ♪ When he walks in her room, he feels confused ♪ ♪ Like he walked into a play ♪ ♪ And the music's so loud it spins him around ♪ ♪ Till his soul has lost its way ♪ ♪ And as she turns the volume down ♪ ♪ He's getting smaller with the sound ♪ ♪ It seems to pull him off the ground ♪ ♪ Toward the radio he's bound ♪ ♪ Never to be found ♪ ♪ ♪ The headlines read that a boy disappeared ♪ ♪ And everyone thinks he died ♪ ♪ Except a crazy girl with a secret lover ♪ ♪ Who keeps her satisfied ♪ ♪ It's so nice to be insane ♪ ♪ No one asks you to explain ♪ ♪ Radio by your side, Angie baby ♪ ♪ Angie baby, you're a special lady ♪ ♪ Living in a world of make-believe ♪ ♪ Well, maybe ♪ -♪ Well, maybe -♪ Angie baby, Angie baby ♪ ♪ Well, maybe ♪ (applauding) ♪ (tranquil music) ♪ (Eunice) Well, Ed, did you enjoy dinner?

Great, just great.

(Eunice) Good--you know, I think your mama enjoyed it.

Do you think my pot roast might've been the teensiest bit dry though?

No, it's fine--just right.

(Eunice) You know, Ed, I think Mama's been getting a lot mellower lately.

I mean, ain't this been a pleasant evening so far?

Sure has--I thought for sure she'd say something though about that dry pot roast.

(Eunice) What?

-Oh, Mama!

-Mother, I was just saying what a pleasant visit it's been this time around.

(Mama) This time around?

(Eunice) Mama, did you get the boys to bed okay?

(Mama) Oh, those two are just precious, you know.

They asked me if I'd read 'em a bedtime story, and I said, "You think you deserve a story when your room is such a mess?"

And they said, "Well, Mama lets us keep it this way."

And I said, "Well, your Mama may like to live in a garbage can, but I don't, so let's just clean this mess up.

So, we made a little game out of it, you know.

Eunice, have you ever thought of that?

I mean, making a game out of cleaning up that pigsty you call a bedroom?

Well, hey, you two!

I was thinking maybe we oughta have a little fun tonight for a change, and play a little parlor game.

-What?

-Hey, you remember Sorry!?

You remember how we used to sit for hours and play Sorry!?

-Huh, why don't we do that?

-No, thank you, Eunice.

I think I'll just sit here and stay out of everybody's way, try to find something to read.

If I can find anything worth reading.

(laughing) "Liz gives Jackie black eye in feud over Latin lover."

Who brings these trashy magazines -into this house anyway?

-Now, Mama-- Mama, some of those articles is authenticicated.

(chuckling) (Mama) Well, I suppose they'll keep printing 'em as long as there are people brainless enough to read 'em.

Well, I am very sorry that I don't have the Encyclopedia Britannica around here for you to peruse through.

But, after all, I did fix us a nice pot roast this evening, and I bought that real expensive frozen dessert and everything just so we could have a good time, and I thought maybe--maybe instead of just sitting around reading, we could all be together and have some fun, and play a little game of Sorry!, and I took all these little men out of the box.

But, if you want me to, I'll put all these little men -right back in the box, and-- -All right, Eunice, let's play!

(Eunice) Come on, Ed, let's play!

(Ed) Ugh, playing those stupid-- that's a baby game.

(Eunice) Ed, please, come on-- -Baby's play that game!

-Ed, come on, let's make it togetherness tonight.

You, me, and Mama-- we're gonna have fun.

-Please.

-That's not a game -for a grown man.

-Oh, come on now.

-All right, all right.

-Come on.

-What color you want, Mama?

-No--no, Ed.

No, that's not what you do-- see, the first thing you have to do is roll the dice, and then the one that gets the highest points gets his choice of the color that he wants.

(Ed) Why go through all that trouble, Eunice?

(Eunice) Ed!

Why bother to play a nice little parlor game if you ain't gonna follow the rules?

(Ed) All right, all right, all right--we'll go for high.

Seven--not good, not bad.

(Eunice) Oh, come on, you dice.

and give Eunice a nice, big, fat 12, 'cause Eunice wants her yellow men, 'cause they're her lucky, lucky men.

Come on now, want my yellow!

(Ed) Why don't you just shut it up and throw the die?

-Five.

-Five--no good.

Snake eyes!

Seven carries the day!

I think I'll take me the...yellow men.

(laughing) You sure you want the yellow men?

Well, I threw the highest, didn't I?

-Well, you want the yellow ones?

-Yeah.

Yellow, yella, yella--that's my favorite color, yeller.

(sighing heavily) Well, all right then, I guess I'll just take the blue.

(Mama) Can't I be blue?

(Eunice) Mama, you can be any color you want.

(Mama) Well then, I'll just be the blue.

-Well then, take it!

-Thank you.

(laughing) I guess I'll just have to be the green, unless, of course, somebody wants that?

(Ed) Nobody else here, Eunice.

-Come on, dice!

-Wait just a minute, Ed.

You got the color of you choice, and I'm on your left, so I go first-- I know these rules by heart.

(Ed) Oh, I bet you do.

(Eunice) Oh, now--oh, shoot--Mama, look.

Now, see that-- that isn't a double.

See, that's five there, so that means I can't move out of the start place, 'cause you can only move out of the start place, see, if you throw a double.

See, and that ain't a double, so I can't move out of the start place-- so, now it's your turn.

(chuckling) (Mama) Well, that sure ain't a double.

-Isn't this fun?

-Yeah.

I'm having a great time.

That ain't no double.

(Eunice) Huh, looks like we're gonna all gonna be stuck here for a while.

Come on!

Come on, come on!

Double.

Mama, I wiped that table off.

(Mama) It's sticky.

Stuff must've been on here for a week.

Mama, come on, will ya-- you're holding up the game.

Roll the dice.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Mama, you got a double three!

That means you get to move out six spaces, and, Mama, you landed on a slide, and that means you get to slide five more spaces.

Slide!

Whoopee!

(Mama) Now, let me do it myself, Eunice.

One, two, three, four, five, there--slide!

Whoopee!

(guffawing) (sighing heavily) -Still no double.

-Mhm.

-Anybody want a beer?

-Yeah, that'd hit the spot, Ed.

I think I still got a piece of that dried out pot roast stuck in my throat.

(laughing) (Eunice) Come on--oh!

Oh!

A double!

Oh, I get to move a man out!

Okay, Mama.

No, Mama!

Mama, don't do that.

Now, you threw a double-- now, don't use a double to move a man that's already out.

You see, you gotta use a double to get another man out.

-I wanna do it this way.

-Well, don't do that, -because you-- -This way!

(Eunice) Well, all right!

It's a dumb move.

(Ed) My turn.

Double!

I am out!

I'm gonna slide!

(guffawing) (Eunice) Oh, goodie-- I got another man out.

Go on, Mama, it's your turn.

Ooh!

Now, Mama-- Mama.

Now, lookie here, Mama.

You got two choices here, see.

What you can do is use that double, and you can move down here, and you could land on an opponent, see.

And when you land on that opponent, you pick up this little bell and you ring it, and you say, "Sorry!"

And then, that opponent has to go right back to where he started, see.

You pick up the bell and you go, "Sorry!"

"Sorry!"

Because, Mama, there's a little yella fella-- right here that's just dying to be landed on.

(chortling) (Mama) Well, I think I'll just move this little blue feller who's saying, "Move me-- I'm bored standing here."

(cackling) About as bored as I am.

(Ed) Five!

One, two, three, four.

Sorry!

You need to go right back to start!

I like this game!

See, Mama.

Ed knows how to play this game.

Ed shows no mercy.

Ed just jumps on you when he can get the chance.

(rolling dice) Oh, goodie--I got a man out!

(giggling) Not anymore, you don't Sorry!

(laughing) (Eunice) Now, thanks a lot, Mama.

You sure didn't take advantage of landing on Ed, but you sure as shootin' came after me when you could, -didn't ya?

-Slide!

(Eunice) Oh, shut up!

(guffawing) (Mama) Oh, for Pete's sake, Eunice, cheer up.

(tapping) -Mama-- -What are you doing, Mama?

You're moving one of my yellow mens.

(Mama) Well, excuse me--where was he?

-Uh, he was right here.

-No, he wasn't.

He was there.

-He was right here.

-No, he was not.

(Ed) You're just trying to take advantage of your mother's stupid move just so as I could -lose the game.

-And you are trying to cheat.

I know where he was, because I watched this board -like a hawk.

-All right!

Let's just move him back the number of spaces -that I moved him forward.

-She's right.

(Ed) Well, how many spaces did you move it?

Well, how the hell should I know?

(laughing) You mean you don't remember how many spaces you moved that thing just a second ago?

Well, I guess I'm just too stupid, Ed!

But, you grabbed the God-dern dice up so fast!

(Ed) Well, how the hell am I supposed to know you were gonna move -the wrong man?

-All right, all right, all right!

Now, just stop it-- I know what it was-- it was a seven.

-Are ya sure?

-It was a seven!

(laughing) (Mama) Well, Eunice seems to be of the opinion that it was a seven.

So, I would just move the yellow man back seven spaces, then I will move my blue man ahead seven spaces, landing on your green man, sending you back this far.

Sorry!

(laughing and applauding) (chuckling) (Eunice) You wipe that smile off your face, or I'll wipe it off for ya.

(Ed) I need me a nice big number now.

Come on, twelve!

Oh, snake eyes.

There go the plans I had for that man -right down the tubes.

-Just like all your plans, right down the tubes.

(Ed) Don't you get on my back now, Eunice.

I've had lots of good plans in my time.

Yeah, "Ha-ha," maybe something would work out if you just weren't always ridiculing me, and making me -feel like a nickel.

-I have never ridiculed you -in my entire life.

-Oh-ho-ho.

(Eunice) Oh, I may not mind you being such a flop if once in a while you might show me -the least bit of consideration.

-Oh, really?

You--you done pretty well by me, Eunice.

-Well?

-Don't--yeah!

Look at all the stuff you got around here -by the sweat of my brow!

-What?

(Eunice) Name me one good thing we got in this house.

(Ed) I'd name you--what about them new pillows--those precious -pillows of yours-- -Those are pillow covers!

(Ed) Yeah--oh, yeah?

What about that new salad bowl?

-You never even use it.

-Salad bowl?

That's imitation wood-- the Wishbone dressing just eats right through it.

(laughing) (Ed) Yeah, how about that toaster?

That new toaster?

Four slots!

Four--count 'em, four!

(Eunice) That's all you ever get for me-- that's all you ever get for me is kitchen appliances, 'cause that's all I do around here is house work!

You'd never know it.

(laughing) I spend my entire life in this 2x4 shack, taking care of those two kids, and then you come home from work, Ed, and what do you do?

Look at me, Ed-- what do you do?

You sit down and you fill your stomach, and then you watch the TV, and then you fall asleep.

Oh, once in a while you might feel a little bit romantic, and that's supposed to be some big thrill for me.

I practically had to get down on my hands and knees tonight to beg you to play a simple little parlor game of Sorry!

just so as I can have some fun with this impossible old woman.

(cackling and applauding) And then, what do you do to me?

You scoff at me, you jeer at me, you laugh at me, you make fun of me, you tease me, and on top of that, you take my little yellow men.

(laughing) (Mama) It's your move, Eunice.

It's my move?

You wanna see a move?

How's this for a move, Ed?

How's this for you, huh?

And how's that for a move, you two?

(Mama) You are really nuts, you know it?

-Nuts?

-One of these days, they're gonna come over here and lock you up.

-Oh, lay off of me, will ya?

-You ain't playing with a full deck, Eunice.

I think somebody blew your pilot light out.

(laughing and applauding) (Eunice) Oh, boy.

That's a new one, Mama.

(laughing hysterically) (Mama) You wait, there's more, Eunice.

(Eunice) Oh, my-- (Mama) You know what?

You got splinters in the windmills of your mind.

(guffawing and clapping) You're playing hockey with a warped puck.

(laughing) -Will you cut it out?

-this house is a big enough mess without throwing junk all around.

Look at--that's how you keep house-- look at this filth around here.

Did you ever get out the vacuum cleaner I gave you?

-Oh, cut it out--!

-She used to pull the same trick with her sister Ellen-- one time she took her sister's Raggedy Ann doll-- ripped all the stuffing -right out of it.

-Oh, we're back to that, huh, Mama?

Well, you never did hear my side about the Raggedy Ann doll.

You know what Ellen did to me?

She took my little Bo Peep doll, that dear, sweet Ellen, and you know what she did to my doll?

She drew a moustache on my doll in indelible ink!

Now--now, was that nice?

Was that nice?

Did that make her a nice girl or a naughty girl?

No, no, that was cute-- that was funny, because it was cute, little smarty pants Ellen who did it!

(Ed) Come on!

It's your turn now, Eunice!

(Eunice) Oh, there comes a time, Mama-- there comes a time when I'm gonna stop trying to get into your good graces, and this is it!

I am sick and tired of trying to show you a good time every time you come over here to visit us.

(Mama) Eunice, lookie!

You've thrown double sixes!

-I did?

-But for!

(Eunice) Oh, that's wonderful!

-Thank you, Mama.

-You're gonna beat us all.

(Eunice) Oh, I think-- isn't this a good game?

(Ed) Eunice, family game night!.

(applauding) (lively theme music) ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Mr. John Byner!

(applauding) (upbeat music) ♪ There is an awful lot of interest in nostalgia these days-- people wearing clothes from back in the '30s, '40s, '50s.

We had that picture American Graffiti-- very important--about the '50s.

Television shows, Happy Days-- a lot of '50s things happening.

I'm affected by this a lot, because I'm a product of the '50s--I was raised-- I was brought up then, around the '50s-- through the '50s.

I knew all about that stuff-- my hero was Elvis.

When Elvis came out, all the guys on the corner dressed like Elvis.

You know, we had the stitches on our pants.

I did--stitches on my pants, or the collar up all the time.

Even in the summer.

(laughing) Had the collar up here-- I used to talk like this all the time, just I'd go.

Yeah, cause I wanted to be like Elvis.

I was from New York talking like this.

No, yeah, so it was a big thing--Elvis.

Elvis movies.

Everybody had bikes--motorbikes.

We didn't-- we couldn't afford motorbikes.

We used to pretend.

(imitating engine revving) (laughing) Yeah, I'll tell ya.

We used to--watched a lot of TV.

That's where I got confused: watching television.

That's where the whole thing changed--I got-- I'm surprised I made it here today.

From watching television then.

I was raised on shows like Donna Reed.

(laughing) Father Knows Best.

Leave It to Beaver.

Beaver Knows Donna.

All those shows, all those shows.

Typical American families-- that's what confused me.

They were all supposed to be typical American fam-- not a blemish on the face.

All typical American families-- all had their own rooms and stuff, right?

And I used to try to identify with that--I couldn't-- it drove me crazy.

I watched Ozzie and Harriet on the road recently-- out of town, watched Ozzie and Harriet.

It was on for 14 years.

And I'm telling ya, I don't know how it ever made it.

Typical American family-- Ozzie and Harriet-- just like your family and mine.

You take the father Ozzie.

When is the last time you met a guy named Ozzie?

I mean, you ever meet an Ozzie in your life?

Never--never met an Ozzie.

Ozzie, just like your father and mine, in the house all day with the sweater and the tie.

Solving problems, right?

No way.

Now, I'd watch this show-- I'd turn around and see my father on the couch in his underwear.

(guffawing) He's like, (roaring) you know.

And they're always solving the problems-- the parents are always solving the kids' problems.

You know, "Rick, got a problem?"

"You got a problem for me?"

"Rick, Dave, got a problem?"

Always solving the problems-- I come home with a problem expecting the same treatment-- I say, "Hey, Dad, I have a problem"--he'd say, "I have two cans of beer with no opener-- you think you got trouble?

Get outta here!"

Rick, healthy kid--27 years old, hung out till three o'clock in the morning in the malt shop, remember that?

Hung around with Wally-- 42 years old.

(laughing) "Hey, Ricky, where we gonna go?"

(chuckling) Three o'clock in the morning, they're at the malt shop at close, you get a six-pack of malts to bring home, you know.

Drink in the treehouse with Dave and his wife in the backyard.

Typical American family, so I'm tellin' ya.

My favorite-- I saw my favorite show when I was out of town-- it's called "Rick Trips."

You open the TV guide-- it's tonight, Ricky trips.

Falls on the white-picket fence on the way to the frat house dance.

Fantastic acting.

Greatest acting--I mean, 14 years experience, something's bound to happen.

Great acting--here's this-- opening scene was like this.

Rick comes home.

(groaning) Oh, oh, oh--hi, Rick!

(chuckling) Oh, you--you're limping-- what happened, Rick?

(chortling) I tripped, Dad.

Over the white-picket fence on my way to the frat house dance.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

(cackling) Oh, that's too bad-- does Dave know?

He's in the kitchen making cookies with Mom.

(hysterically laughing) I'll call him--David!

Hi, Dad--hi, Rick--hi, Dave-- you're Dad--I'm Rick-- you're Dave--hi, Dad-- you're Rick--you're Dave-- hi, you're Rick--you're Dad-- you're Rick--I'm Rick-- I'm Dave--I'm Dave-- you're Dad---you're Rick.

You're Dave--I'm Dad-- you get up, you say, "What?"

Hi, Ma--you're Rick--I'm Dave.

What happened?

Rick tripped--does Mom know?

Oh, Rick--I'll--Mom!

Ohh--Mom's just like your mother in the kitchen with the high heels and the gown.

Ohh, Ricky tripped.

Let me see the bruise, Rick.

(laughing) Can you still sing?

Oh, rub some fudge cake on the bruise.

That's how it would end-- everybody would be sitting there in the kitchen eating stuff.

Wally'd he'd be at the window.

So, I wonder, you know, what would happen now if this show was renewed year after year after year, and it's still on television.

They're still on television.

But, now we've got real problems like All in the Family, you know, and stuff that-- they have Maude--they have really, really--you know-- and now here's Ozzie and Harriet, still on.

How would they handle the problems?

Here's Rick coming.

(chuckling) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

He'd be down here by now-- oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh--hi, Rick.

You look depressed.

What is it?

You know, I think Sally's pregnant.

Oh, that's too bad-- does Dave know?

He's in the kitchen making cookies.

(laughing and applauding) (lively theme music) ♪ (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(upbeat music) ♪ (John) Nothing's happening-- nothing is happening.

We've been here--you know we've been coming here for a month and we haven't even talked to a girl.

(Jay) Got my eye on that blonde right over there.

(John) Yeah, you've had your eye on her for a month too.

(Jay) Just waiting for the right time to make my move.

(John) Hey, look, Jay, I know you know your way around girls, but aren't you taking it a little bit too slow?

(Jay) Look, you see that guy over there?

Glomming all over her, rubbing his hands on her back, kissing her neck-- taking all kinds of liberties?

-Yeah?

-He hasn't got a chance.

-Are you sure?

-Sure--sooner or later, she's gonna glance around, she's gonna look at me, we're gonna make eye contact, and then wham!

Bull's-eye!

I'm gonna say hello to her.

(John) Now, you're just making excuses.

(Jay) Oh, yeah?

I don't see you making out so great.

I don't see you talking to anybody.

(John) You know--you know I don't talk to a girl unless she talks to me first.

(laughing) (chuckling) (Jay) Look what just came in.

I told you it pays to be patient.

(John) Eh--look like a couple of squares to me.

(Jay) Yeah, just watch out for those girls who look like squares on the outside--but once you get that type alone, watch out, if you know what I mean-- (both imitating engine revving) (laughing) (Felicia) Well, how do you like it so far?

(Tippy) It's lovely--can we go now?

(Felicia) Not until we see if there's any guys here.

-Are there?

-Tippy, you know I can't see without my glasses.

-You look.

-I don't wanna look, Felicia.

-Why not?

-They'll think I'm easy.

(Felicia) If you don't look, we're not gonna know what's here.

(Tippy) Okay, okay.

Nothing.

(laughing) (John) Did you see the way she looked at me?

(Jay) The way she was looking at you?

The way she looked at me.

(Felicia) I think there's a couple of guys over there.

-See what they look like.

-I don't really wanna take a good look at them-- they'll think I'm fast.

-Oh, go ahead.

-Well, all right.

Oh, they're cute!

(laughing) (John) She really gave me the eye that time.

(Jay) Really gave us the eye.

(imitating engine revving) (laughing) (Felicia) Tippy, honey, look.

If we're gonna meet any guys tonight, you have to more relaxed.

I mean, look at me.

(man) Uh, excuse me, do you have the time?

(Felicia) Ask her.

-Uh, do you have the time?

-No.

-But, you're wearing a watch.

-It's a compass.

(guffawing) (Felicia) Why didn't you tell him the time?

(Tippy) I don't know him-- he's a stranger to me.

(Felicia) Well, of course he is-- he's asking you the time to strike up a conversation.

(Tippy) Oh, well then, why didn't you tell him what time it was.

(Felicia) Oh, Tippy.

-I know men.

-You do?

(Felicia) He was using me to get to you.

(Tippy) Felicia, somebody is using somebody.

Felicia, you're as scared as I am, right?

-Let's have a drink.

-Am I right?

Oh, Felicia.

(laughing) It's 1:30.

(man) Oh, thanks.

(chuckling) (Tippy) I could die.

I could just die.

For so long I have saved myself, and I opened up to a complete stranger, and I was torn apart like junk mail.

I could just die.

I will never, ever open myself up to any man again!

(Jay) This is the perfect time to attack.

-Why?

-Why?

Because that guy just struck out, that's why.

You know why he struck out?

Because they are waiting for us.

(grunting) Let's go.

-Hey, wait a minute.

-What?

(John) How do I know which one to take?

I don't wanna take the wrong one-- 'cause if I took the one that doesn't want me, then I'll blow it!

I want the one that wants me, whichever one that is.

Which one is it?

(laughing) (Jay) Listen, we just go over there, we see which one responds to you--we see which one responds to me, and that's how we know who's for who.

-That's fair.

-Let's go.

(Tippy) Felicia, are we grown women?

-Right.

-Are we grown women -in a singles' bar?

-Right.

(Tippy) Are we grown women in a singles' bar looking to meet grown men in a singles' bar?

-Right.

-Well, I think two of them are coming over now, and I wanna go home.

(Felicia) It's--it's too late-- they're coming.

(Tippy) Ooh.

(laughing) (chuckling) (snickering) (laughing) -It's not working.

-I know--I don't know why.

We're doing everything humanly possible.

(Tippy) Did you see that?

The nerve of them.

They were undressing me with their eyes.

(Felicia) Felicia, they weren't even looking at you.

If anything, they were giving each other the eye.

(Tippy) You know, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you put on the coffee and I'll set up the Scrabble board?

(Felicia) Sure, why should this night be different from any other?

(Tippy) It will be different, because I'm going to take the initiative--yes-- yes, I am.

I'm going to flaunt myself in front of them.

I'm going to pretend I am looking for the ladies' room, and I will flaunt myself in front of them.

Goodbye.

I am now going to flaunt.

(chuckling) (guffawing) (John) What do you suppose she's up to?

(Jay) I don't know.

But, this is the perfect time to strike.

There she is, all alone.

Easy pickings for the right guy.

Go ahead.

-Me?

I thought you were going.

-No, no--that's too easy for me.

I'm gonna wait for the tough one.

(John) Well, me--what do I talk-- what do I say?

-Just ask her to dance.

-Well-- -how do I do that?

-You say, "Excuse me, -would you like to dance?"

-Why should she wanna dance with me?

She doesn't even know me.

-Well then, talk to her first.

-That--that's too confusing.

Why can't we just make eye contact from here?

(Jay) We tried that--it doesn't work!

-What if she says no?

-Then, kill yourself!

(laughing) (chuckling) (giggling) (both gasping) (laughing) (John) She doesn't wanna dance.

-(inaudible) -Last call!

-Oh, we gotta do something.

-All right, all right.

Leave it to the master--I will pick them up for the both of us.

Just remember one thing: we go home in separate cars, right?

(imitating engine revving) (laughing) (Felicia) They're coming over again-- what do we do?

(Tippy) Well, face it--it's either them or the Scrabble board.

(Felicia) Well, look-- under no circumstances do we let them take us in separate cars.

We gotta stick together-- we mustn't let them -separate us.

-You're right--together.

(Jay) Okay, here it goes.

-That's it--closing time.

-Ooh!

-If I only had more time!

-Maybe we can catch 'em -at the door.

-I needed more time!

-If I only had more time!

-Drink--finish up.

(Tippy) Well, I guess we better go.

But look, I know what-- we'll walk real slow and stop at the door, and that'll give 'em -a chance to meet us, okay?

-Okay, but remember, -we stick together.

-Right.

We are strong-- we are invincible.

(Felicia) You're so right.

(laughing) (John) Let's get 'em.

(Jay) I don't think they want us-- they're walking too fast.

(guffawing) Did you ask--?

(chuckling) -Good hamburgers...yeah.

-Hamburger?

Get me a hamburger?

-Jeeze, look.

-Whoop!

(laughing) Go on, go on, go on, go on.

-Go on.

-All right.

(Jay) Excuse me, is this your handkerchief?

-It's hers.

-I believe you-- -you dropped this handkerchief.

-Ahhh!

(laughing and clapping) (Jay) I think maybe we're a little too pushy.

(John) Yeah.

(applauding) (lively theme music) ♪ We've paid tribute to a lot of male composers and lyricists, and tonight it's a female's turn.

From Julia Ward Howe, who wrote The Battle Hymn of the Republic, to our own Helen Reddy, who wrote "I Am Woman," the ladies have been making music.

So, in tonight's finale, all of the tunes and/or lyrics we're about to sing were written by the women.

So, gentlemen, be seated.

(mellow music) ♪ I am woman, hear me roar ♪ ♪ In numbers too big to ignore ♪ ♪ And I know too much to go back and pretend ♪ ♪ 'Cause I've heard it all before ♪ ♪ And I've been down there on the floor ♪ ♪ No one's ever gonna keep me down again ♪ ♪ (all) ♪ You just call out my name ♪ ♪ And you know wherever I am ♪ ♪ I'll come running ♪ ♪ To see you again ♪ ♪ ♪ Winter, spring, summer, or fall ♪ ♪ All you have to do is call ♪ -♪ And I'll be there ♪ -♪ And I'll be there ♪ ♪ You've got a friend ♪ ♪ You've got a friend ♪ ♪ Where you lead I will follow ♪ ♪ Anywhere that you tell me to ♪ ♪ When you need, need me to be with you ♪ ♪ I will follow ♪ -♪ Yes, it's a good day ♪ -♪ Good day ♪ ♪ For singing a song, and it's a good day ♪ -♪ Good day ♪ -♪ For movin' along ♪ -♪ Yes, it's a good day ♪ -♪ Good day ♪ ♪ How could anything go wrong ♪ ♪ It's a good day from morning till night ♪ ♪ Yes, it's a good day for paying your bills ♪ ♪ And it's a good day for curing your ills ♪ ♪ So take a deep breath and throw away your pills ♪ ♪ 'Cause it's a good day for love in your heart ♪ ♪ And the world will be a better place ♪ ♪ And the world will be a better place ♪ -♪ For you ♪ -♪ For you ♪ -♪ And me ♪ -♪ And me ♪ -♪ Just wait and see ♪ -♪ Just wait and see ♪ ♪ Hey, look me over, lend me an ear ♪ ♪ Fresh out of clover, mortgage up to here ♪ ♪ I'm a little bit short of the elbow room ♪ ♪ But let me get me some ♪ ♪ And look out, world ♪ ♪ Here me shout, world ♪ -♪ Oh, leave me alone ♪ -♪ Leave me alone ♪ ♪ Why don't ya leave me alone ♪ -♪ Please leave me alone now ♪ -♪ Leave me alone ♪ -♪ Oh, leave me alone ♪ -♪ Please leave me alone ♪ ♪ Just leave me ♪ ♪ Leave me ♪ ♪ Leave me ♪ ♪ ♪ You always hurt ♪ ♪ The one you love ♪ ♪ The one you shouldn't hurt at all ♪ ♪ ♪ You always take ♪ ♪ The sweetest rose ♪ ♪ And crush it till the petals fall ♪ ♪ You always break ♪ ♪ The kindest heart ♪ ♪ With a hasty word you can't recall ♪ ♪ So if I broke ♪ ♪ Your heart last night ♪ ♪ It's because I love you most of all ♪ ♪ I'll never smile again ♪ ♪ Until I smile at you ♪ ♪ I'll never laugh again ♪ ♪ What good would it do ♪ (Helen) ♪ Memories ♪ ♪ Light the corners of my mind ♪ ♪ Misty water-colored memories ♪ ♪ Of the way we were ♪ (Vicki) ♪ Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel ♪ ♪ Never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning reel ♪ ♪ As the images unwind ♪ (both) ♪ Like the circles that you find ♪ ♪ In the windmills of your mind ♪ ♪ This love of mine had no beginning ♪ ♪ It has no end ♪ ♪ I was an oak, now I'm a willow ♪ ♪ Now I can bend ♪ ♪ And though I'll never in my life ♪ -♪ See you again ♪ -♪ Willow, weep for me ♪ -♪ Still I'll stay ♪ -♪ Lend your branches green ♪ (Helen) ♪ Until it's time for you to go ♪ (Carol) ♪ Along the stream that runs to sea ♪ (both) ♪ Far away places ♪ ♪ With strange-sounding names ♪ ♪ Far away over the sea ♪ ♪ Those far away places ♪ ♪ With the strange-sounding names ♪ ♪ Are calling, calling me ♪ -♪ Tippy tippy tin tippy tin ♪ -♪ In a little Spanish town ♪ -♪ It was on a night like this ♪ -♪ Tippy tippy tong tippy tong ♪ (Carol) ♪ Stars were peek-a-boo-ing down ♪ ♪ It was on a night like this ♪ ♪ I whispered, "Be true to me" ♪ ♪ And she sighed, "Si, si" ♪ (all) ♪ Why, oh why, oh why, oh ♪ ♪ Why did I fly, why did I roam ♪ ♪ Oh why, oh why, oh did I leave Ohio ♪ ♪ Maybe I'd better go ♪ ♪ Maybe I'd better go home ♪ (backup singers) ♪ Daydreamin' and I'm thinkin' of you ♪ ♪ Daydreamin' and I'm thinkin' of you ♪ -♪ Home ♪ -♪ Daydreamin' ♪ ♪ And I'm thinkin' of you ♪ ♪ Daydreamin and I'm thinkin' of you ♪ (all) ♪ I got the wedding bell blues, Bill ♪ ♪ I love you so, I always will ♪ ♪ I got the wedding bell blues, Bill ♪ ♪ I love you so, I always will ♪ ♪ You lost that lovin' feeling ♪ ♪ Oh, that lovin' feeling ♪ ♪ You've lost that lovin' feeling, now it's gone ♪ ♪ Gone, gone, whoa ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪ (Helen) ♪ I've looked at life from both sides now ♪ ♪ From win and lose, and still somehow ♪ ♪ It's life's illusions I recall ♪ ♪ I really know know now ♪ (Carol) ♪ Sweet mystery of life, at last I found you ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Mwah ♪ ♪ At last I know the secret of it all ♪ (backup singers) ♪ The secret of it all ♪ (Carol) ♪ Them that's got shall get ♪ ♪ Them that's not shall lose ♪ (all) ♪ So the Bible says ♪ ♪ And it still is news ♪ -♪ Mama may have ♪ -♪ Mama may have ♪ -♪ Papa may have ♪ -♪ Papa may have ♪ ♪ But God bless the child that's got his own ♪ ♪ That's got his own ♪ ♪ That's got his own ♪ ♪ You make me feel ♪ ♪ You make me feel ♪ ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ (backup singers) ♪ I am woman, watch me grow ♪ -♪ Woman ♪ -♪ See me standing toe-to-toe ♪ -♪ America, America ♪ -♪ Save the people ♪ -♪ Save the children ♪ -♪ God shed His grace on thee ♪ ♪ And crown thy good with sisterhood ♪ ♪ From sea to shining sea ♪ -♪ I am strong ♪ -♪ I am strong ♪ -♪ I am invincible ♪ -♪ I am invincible ♪ -♪ I am woman ♪ -♪ I am woman ♪ ♪ I am woman, watch me grow, see me standing toe-to-toe ♪ ♪ As I spread my lovin' arms across the land ♪ ♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪ ♪ The truth is marching on ♪ -♪ Marching on ♪ -♪ Marching on ♪ -♪ Marching on ♪ -♪ Marching on ♪ ♪ I am woman ♪ (cheering and applauding) Remember, people start pollution, and only people can stop it.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just got started, and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes a time we have to say, "So long" ♪ Good night.

Thank you.

(cheering and applauding) (lively theme music) ♪ (announcer) "Angie Baby" was previously recorded.

The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

♪