(theme music) (applause) ♪ (Carol) Thank you.

Thank you!

I--we've got a wonderful show for you this evening.

We have our regulars, Harvey Korman and Vicki Lawrence, and our special guest stars are the wonderful Maggie Smith and the incredible Mr. Tim Conway.

(applause) So, let's turn up the lights and see if y'all have anything to say, any questions you want to ask.

-Yes.

-Favorite rock star?

My favorite rock star is Rock Hudson.

(applause) There's a wonderful lady I just spotted in the audience that I'd like you all to say hello to, one of the finest comedians I've ever known.

You certainly remember her from her weekly appearances with my good friend, Julie Andrews.

Alice Ghostley, please stand up.

(applause) Yeah.

-Yes!

-I saw you with Dinah this week.

-Oh, you did.

-How about your Tarzan... Oh, the Tarzan yell.

-Yes, I did that.

-Are you gonna do it here?

(Carol) Am I going to do it here?

Not unless somebody asks.

-I'm asking.

-Are you asking?

Oh, I'm sure the booth is looking forward to that too.

(imitating Tarzan yell) There it is.

(applause) Yes.

(female suspect) Does your husband ever come to see your show?

Does my husband ever come here to see-- No.

No, he can't stand me.

No.

No, he never would, no.

(female suspect) Are you gonna have Alan Alda on your show?

Yes, Alan is gonna be a guest on our show next month.

Alan Alda will be here, yes.

Yeah.

Okay, well, we have a big show for you tonight, so don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show... ♪ ...with Harvey Korman... ♪ ...and Vicki Lawrence.

♪ (funky music) ♪ (roaring) (applause) ♪ (applause) (soft music) ♪ Well, I'm off to the bush.

-Do be careful, darling.

-I will, darling.

-Darling?

-Yes.

I know you've been avoiding the issue.

-Issue?

-The issue.

Yes, the issue of Simba.

You must get rid of Simba today.

Oh, darling, please.

Can't I keep him just one more day?

(Townsend) You've been saying that for months, Rochelle, but you must understand that Simba is a lion.

-I know.

-And lions must be free.

-I know.

-Living and roaming the jungle, finding their own prey.

Not sitting around the house, eating Purina Cat Chow.

(Rochelle) You're absolutely right, Townsend.

I have spoiled him.

I know I must let him go for his own good, but, oh, darling, I'm so very afraid.

(Townsend) I know, darling, but you mustn't be.

You must remember that a beast must live his own life.

-Yes.

-He was born free.

-Very good.

-Thank you.

And he must live free.

-Yes.

-And remember, Rochelle, before sundown, I want him out of his room.

-I understand, dear.

-Thank you, darling.

(Rochelle) It's going to be difficult for me.

-I shall be in the bush.

-Good luck.

(audience laughing) He's right.

I must return Simba to his natural environment.

It's just not fair to keep him here.

Oh, but I love him so.

No, I must be brave.

Oh, Simba?

Simba?

Come, darling, Mommy wants to talk to you.

Simba?

(applause) Yes, Simba.

Come, Simba.

Mommy has to talk to you, dear.

It's very important, Simba.

Simba, there's something I must tell you.

Sim--oh.

It's almost as if he knows.

He's so human.

Simba... Simba, sit down, dear.

We must sit down, and there's something I have to tell you, darling.

Oh, no, no, thank you, dear.

You go ahead and have some.

I'm a little nervous, Simba.

It's rather difficult for me to tell you this, Simba, but... (audience laughing) Simba, do you remem-- (audience laughing) (laughing continues) (growling) I know, dear, the Lions lost again.

I'm sorry.

Simba, listen to Mommy.

Do you remember?

Now think.

Think way back, Simba.

Harder.

That's it, Simba.

Think when you were a little lion cub, Simba, before Mommy and Daddy found you and brought you here and domesticated you.

Well, Simba, you lived out there in the jungle.

Yes.

Yes, you did, Simba.

Yes, you did.

No, I wouldn't lie to you.

I'm not jiving you.

Do you remember?

Well, Simba, Daddy and I had a talk today and we both feel that it's better for you if you go back out there and live amongst your own kind, Simba.

It would be much better for you too.

Yes, Simba, you, out there, in the jungle.

No, I'm not sick.

You'd be much happier out there with your own kind.

Simba, please go.

You must, you must go.

Yes, you're right.

I'm sorry, dear.

I shouldn't send you out there on an empty stomach.

I know.

I'll give you something that you'll have to get used to while you're out there in the jungle, Simba.

Raw meat.

Yes, Simba, raw meat.

(audience laughing) No.

In the mouth.

Simba.

Simba, what--oh, no.

Simba, you must reconcile yourself to eating raw meat.

I mean, out in the jungle, you're not going to find bowls of meat byproducts.

(dinging) Oh.

(scraping) (chirping) Enough of this nonsense.

I want you to go.

Now, perhaps I should show you some pictures of what you will be meeting out in the jungle, Simba.

Look, Simba.

Look at this.

This is a picture of a girl lion.

Do you like her?

See, Simba?

Yes, there's plenty of this out there in the jungle just waiting for you.

Yes, her body yearning and aching for yours.

Oh, Simba, the jungle is just one big singles weekend.

And she's just for the taking.

All you have to do, Simba, to win her, is to find another lion.

(audience laughing) Simba, what am I going to do with you?

Oh, just a minute dear.

(audience laughing) (Townsend) How are things going?

Well!

Well, I see-- I see S-I-M-B-A is still H-E-R-E. (Rochelle) Y-E-S, I couldn't get R-I-D of him.

-Is that so?

-Yes.

(Townsend) Rochelle!

Go, Simba!

Yes, you.

Go!

Go.

(audience laughing) Simba!

Go now!

What are you doing?

Simba?

Get out of there, Simba.

Pack your things later.

Now get out!

You see what's become of this?

I'm warning you!

(toilet flushing) (audience laughing) (audience laughing) (Rochelle) I'm sorry, Simba.

(horn music) ♪ (applause) (theme music) ♪ (announcer) This portion of The Carol Burnett Show is sponsored by: Kraft, for quality, innovation, and helpfulness.

It's good food and good food ideas from the helping hands of Kraft.

This has been a very special week for me because I have made a brand-new friend.

She's British, she's a brilliant actress, she won an Oscar for The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, and, well, she is something else.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Maggie Smith.

(applause) Maggie is now on tour in Private Lives, and she, uh--Noël Coward's Private Lives-- and you will be from Los Angeles -going to Denver?

-To Denver, then to Chicago, to Boston, Toronto, and New York.

(Carol) And New York, but tonight, we have her.

And I would like to make a confession to you in front of all these people that, Maggie, I would like to be president... Oh, now that's a difficult job, Carol.

(Carol) No, no, let me finish.

...of the Maggie Smith Fan Club.

Oh!

Oh, well, thank you, Carol.

I feel the same way about you.

(Carol) Listen to--I mean, your accent alone, it--it puts me away.

(Maggie) It puts you where?

(Carol) Away.

No, it's an American-- it's an expression.

It means--I mean I like it.

Yeah, I love it, it's terrific.

(Maggie) I like yours too.

(Carol) I didn't know I had one.

Well, I mean, listen to you and look at you.

You're so sophisticated and witty and charming, and... -Oh, no, not really.

-Look, so ladylike.

-You know, you're statuesque.

-A-ha.

-You're classy.

-Classy?

Classy, that's what I mean, yeah, classy is so British.

-Yes, I am British.

-Yes.

And you're American.

American.

American.

-American.

-American.

(Carol) I know.

You know, just once, maybe twice, I would like to be you, just like you.

(Maggie) Why, Carol?

You have your own things.

(Carol) I know.

I know, Maggie, but you're so--I don't know.

♪ You're so London ♪ ♪ You're so Kensington Gardens ♪ ♪ And I'm so San Antone ♪ ♪ You're so harp strings ♪ ♪ You're so chamber ensemble ♪ ♪ And I'm so slide trombone ♪ ♪ You're so Shakespeare, so Bernard Shaw ♪ ♪ And I'm so Fannie Hurst ♪ ♪ You're so kippers, so caviar ♪ ♪ And I'm so liverwurst ♪ (Maggie) I love it.

♪ You're so Harpers ♪ ♪ You're so Manchester Guardian ♪ ♪ And I'm so Daily News ♪ ♪ You're so Gucci, so pink satin slippers ♪ ♪ And I'm so army shoes ♪ ♪ Wherever you go, you belong ♪ (Maggie) ♪ Oh, you're wrong, wrong, wrong ♪ ♪ You're so "Hi there!"

♪ ♪ You're so "Put her there, partner!"

♪ ♪ And I'm so "How do you do?"

♪ -But I love that.

-♪ You're so pogo ♪ ♪ You're so Popeye, and Peanuts ♪ ♪ And I'm so Winnie-the-Pooh ♪ ♪ You're so root beer, so ginger ale ♪ ♪ And I'm so lemon squash ♪ ♪ You're so "Hey, bud, where's the ladies room?"

♪ ♪ And I'm so "May I wash?"

♪ (Carol laughs) ♪ You're so Dinah ♪ ♪ You're so Gloria Steinem ♪ ♪ And I'm so Margaret Mead ♪ ♪ You're so tie-dyed ♪ ♪ You're so Dacron and denim ♪ ♪ And I'm so English tweed ♪ ♪ Wherever you go, you belong ♪ (Carol) ♪ No, you're wrong, wrong, wrong ♪ ♪ You're so Scrabble ♪ ♪ You're so chess, you're so checkers ♪ ♪ And I'm so hide-and-seek ♪ (Maggie) ♪ You're so hoedown ♪ ♪ You're so Charleston, so Lindy ♪ ♪ And I'm so cheek-to-cheek ♪ ♪ You're coyote ♪ (howls) ♪ And prairie dogs ♪ ♪ And I'm so birds and bees ♪ (Carol) ♪ You're so ruffles, so petticoats ♪ ♪ And I'm so BVDs ♪ ♪ Face it, Maggie, you are heaven ♪ ♪ You are springtime in Mayfair, a Rolls-Royce limousine ♪ ♪ Windsor Castle ♪ ♪ And--and Buckingham Palace ♪ ♪ The crown jewels, Maggie, you're the queen ♪ (Maggie) ♪ But you're hayrides ♪ ♪ You're Halloween ♪ ♪ You're the flag on the Fourth of July ♪ ♪ You are baseball, football, hockey, boxing ♪ ♪ In fact, you're one hell of a guy ♪ ♪ Maggie... Carol... (Maggie and Carol) ♪ Let's be partners ♪ ♪ Let's be hotdogs and mustard, a twosome, a duet ♪ ♪ Let's be buddies ♪ -♪ Just like Laurel and Hardy ♪ -♪ Right on ♪ -♪ We'll be Smith ♪ -♪ And Burnett ♪ ♪ Wherever we go, we belong ♪ ♪ We belong ♪ ♪ We belong ♪ ♪ Together ♪ ♪ Together ♪ ♪ Together ♪ (applause) (whistling) (drum and horn music) ♪ (animals chattering) I can't take it anymore!

I can't take it, I can't take it!

For three years, I've been all alone on this rotten island with you, just the two of us!

I can't take it!

Supposed to be here, trying to spot enemy airplanes, but there hasn't been one plane, not one plane!

Nothing in three years!

I can't take it anymore.

I can't!

I'm going bananas!

Bananas!

Bananas!

-Thanks, buddy, I needed that.

-That's all right.

I don't know what I'd do without you, buddy.

(soldier) Oh, come on, that's what buddies are for, -you know what I mean?

-Aw.

I hope I didn't wake you up, buddy.

(soldier) Oh, no, that's okay.

I was gonna get up anyway.

I want to put that enclosure around the shower today.

What for?

There's nothing but a bunch of baboons out there.

(soldier) I know, but they're starting to look good to me.

(audience laughing) So I figure I'm starting to look good to them.

(Charlie) Why don't you let me handle it?

(soldier) Ah, that's okay.

I don't know how we'd have gotten through this if it hadn't been for each other, -you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-Buddies and all.

-Yeah, I know.

We're always gonna be buddies.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, but listen, you don't have to take care of the enclosure.

Let me do that.

You know, you cleaned up after the party Saturday night.

(soldier) That was some blowout, wasn't it?

(Charlie) Yeah.

You're not a bad little dancer, you know that?

(plane droning) -Hey, an airplane.

-Hey, wow.

-An airplane!

-Finally!

-Get the binoculars.

-I got it!

I'm on it!

I'm on it!

-Hey, I got it!

-What is it?

-Uh, single engine.

-Single engine.

-Twin tails.

-Twin tails.

-Retractable landing gear.

-Retractable landing gear, twin tails, I got it!

-What is it?

-It's the mail plane.

(soldier) You sure?

(audience laughing) -You're right, mail.

-Yeah.

-Mail.

-Here's one in here.

-Hey, here's something.

-Hey, from the government.

(Charlie) From the government, hey.

Might be good stuff.

-Open it up.

-Hey, look at this.

"Sergeant Charles T. Wilson, Jr., you have just been promoted to the rank of second lieutenant."

(soldier) Hey, wow, second lieu, you!

Hey, boy, that's great!

The prestige, extra money and everything.

Boy, that's great, Charlie.

Charlie what?

Charlie, darling?

(audience laughing) From now on, you will address me as "sir"!

-Don't you forget it.

-Yeah.

(Charlie) Hey, hey, look at this.

(soldier) Oh, wow.

(Charlie) Hey.

(soldier) Boy, you'd have made a great-looking jockey.

(audience laughing) -What?

-Ah, I'm sorry.

Sir, you'd make a great-looking jockey, sir.

(Charlie) Men, there's one thing I can't stand, it's a slipshod organization.

-Sergeant?

-Yes, sir.

(Charlie) Have the company fall in.

(audience laughing) Uh, but, sir... (Charlie) Don't "but, sir" me.

That's an order!

Have the company fall in, (indistinct shouting)!

(soldier) Right, sir.

All right, men!

Fall in!

(mumbling) (yelling) (mumbling) (yelling) (audience laughing) Ready?

Front!

-Men are assembled, sir.

-Thank you.

Sergeant, you may call the roll.

(audience laughing) Yes, sir.

(yelling) Here!

All present and accounted for, sir.

(Charlie) Count off.

(audience laughing) (yelling) Twelve.

(laughing, applause) (Charlie) May I congratulate you on that, sergeant.

You think very quickly.

At ease.

(audience laughing) You may smoke if you like.

We haven't had cigarettes in two years.

-Who said that?

-I'll get his name.

Hey.

(audience laughing) (Charlie) Now, men, you're probably gonna hate my guts for what I'm about to do, but I'm not here to win any popularity contests.

May I remind you that this is war, and war is hell!

One of these days, you're gonna be out there when the going gets tough, and you can look at one another and say, "Thank goodness for old blood and guts."

Some of you men may not know what I'm talking about.

-Right.

-Who said that?

(soldier) Same guy, sir, right there.

I'll tell you what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about this bunk right here.

It's a disgrace!

It's a disgrace to the Army.

-Whose bunk is this?

-That's mine.

That's mine what?

That's mine bunk.

(audience laughing) (Charlie) All right, sergeant, you have two minutes to assemble the troops on the dress parade ground for the parade drill!

-Parade ground, sir?

-Parade grounds.

Parade drill.

I will review the troops from this window right here.

-Right, sir.

-Get 'em going for dress parade.

On the march.

(yelling) (applause) (orchestral music) ♪ Company!

(shouting) ♪ -Ready?

-Ready!

(shouting) ♪ Ready!

♪ (shouting) ♪ Ready!

(audience laughing) Pass in review!

(soldier) Pass in review!

♪ (shouting) ♪ What?

-Pass in review!

-I heard ya!

(audience laughing) ♪ (grunting) ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ -Carry on, soldier!

-Carry on!

(shouting) (Charlie) Never mind!

♪ (audience laughing) ♪ (applause) ♪ Halt!

Sergeant, what are you doing with that woman?

(soldier) Everything I can remember, sir.

(Charlie) Get in here, on the double!

(Ethel) Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

You're the first men I've seen since the shipwreck and that was over six months ago.

(Charlie) Oh, you poor kids--kid.

-What's your name?

-Corporal Ethel Calloway, sir.

(Charlie) Calloway.

Well, why don't you just relax?

I'll have the orderly fix us a couple of drinks.

Sergeant, couple of cocktails and prepare the officer's mess -for two tonight.

-I'm sorry, sir, but she won't be able to dine with you.

-She's a corporal.

-So?

(soldier) Well, she's only allowed to mess with enlisted men.

(horn music) ♪ (applause) (theme music) (announcer) And, now, back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(soft music) ♪ Oh, Martin, haven't you finished dusting yet?

She'll be here any minute.

(Martin) Will you please relax, Helen?

You're acting like Golda Meir is coming over to visit.

(Helen) Karen Burns is a lot more important than Golda Meir.

Karen Burns is a star.

(Martin) She also happens to be an old college chum.

Now will you please calm down, Helen?

(Helen) Oh, why does everything in here have to look so tacky?

Well, I'm sorry if you're ashamed of your own home.

(Helen) I'm not, I'm not, I'm not ashamed.

It's just that, well, Karen is a big celebrity now, Martin, and you and I, we're just--just... Just--just what?

(Helen) Just people.

And I don't want her lording it over us when she gets here just because she's rich -and famous now.

-Honey, you're every bit of... You're every bit as good as she is.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, even better.

I mean, you're simple and unspoiled and uncomplicated, not like those Hollywood women.

-Thank you, darling.

-Of course, sweetie.

(Helen) You're right.

All of those Hollywood people are very depraved, aren't they?

(Martin) I don't know about that, but star or no star, I'm not treating her any differently -than she treats me.

-You're right.

Oh, there she is!

Fine.

How do I look?

Okay.

(Karen) Oh, Marty.

(Martin) Karen.

Karen Burns.

How very nice to see you again.

(Karen) Oh, Helen, it's been so long.

(Helen) Karen, how are you?

Muah.

(Karen) Oh.

Oh, I--I can't tell you how good it is to finally see you again.

-Thank you.

-Well, you... Oh, you both look just great.

-You're looking very well.

-Oh, thank you.

I don't know how to say this, but I've just been looking-- (Helen) Karen, please, don't bother.

I know exactly what you're going to say.

You're going to tell us that you just don't have much time to spend with us, that's all.

-Isn't that it?

-Oh, well, actually, I arranged the entire day.

(Martin) Oh, you don't have to explain, Karen.

You don't have to explain.

We understand about you big stars and your busy schedules.

(Karen) Oh, well, actually, I'm between films at the moment, so I have a few months to kill.

(Helen) Karen, Karen, we're your friends, remember?

I mean, we know what it must be like to be a big, important celebrity like you.

All of your parties that you go to and press conferences and award dinners, and we certainly know that sitting around our modest, little coffee table couldn't be very high on your list of priorities.

-Oh, but I've been looking... -No, not another word, Karen.

We will just force you to sit down and have one drink with us, and then you'll be on your merry way.

-Oh, but... -Now not another word, Karen.

What's your poison?

(Karen) Well, I don't drink that much and certainly not this early in the day.

(Helen) Oh, Karen.

(Martin) Karen, come on, now when are you gonna relax and realize that we're your friends?

I mean, we're not trying to condemn you.

We simply want you to feel comfortable.

(Karen) But it isn't even noon yet.

(Helen) Oh my God, what a rock.

Karen, please, you don't have to sit down there and pretend that, uh, that you're the same sweet little girl we knew in college.

I mean, I'm not, so why should you pretend to be?

(Karen) But I still don't like to drink in the morning.

(Helen) Scotch, bourbon, or rye?

-Scotch.

-Good, Karen.

(Martin) One Scotch coming up.

Oh, Karen, is Scotch the big "in" drink -in Hollywood now?

-I wouldn't know.

I live in the San Fernando Valley.

Oh.

Oh, Helen, it is so nice-- (Helen) Shh, wait.

Before Marty comes back, who are you living with now?

(Karen) I'm not living with anyone.

(Helen) Oh, come on, you can tell me.

(Karen) Helen, I live alone.

(Helen) Oh, now really, I don't believe everything that Rona Barrett says, but she does say that living with somebody is the "in" thing now -in Hollywood.

-Helen, Helen, I live alone with my poodle and a parrot.

Well, all right.

If you don't want to tell your best friend, that's all right.

I guess that's your business.

(Karen) Talking about people and living with people, -how are the children?

-They're fine.

Karen, I'll bet you felt just awful when you didn't win the Oscar.

(Karen) I thought I won it.

(Helen) Oh, no, not that year.

The other year.

(Karen) I was only nominated once.

(Helen) I know, I know, but didn't you feel awful when you were only nominated once and didn't get the second nomination?

No, no, no, not particularly.

(Helen) You didn't?

Well, I did.

I was humiliated!

I mean, after all, you're my best friend and you didn't get nominated.

I could hardly hold my head up around the neighborhood.

-I'm so sorry, Helen.

-Thank you.

(Karen) I'll try harder next time, I really will.

(Helen) I appreciate it.

Is Tuesday Weld her real name?

(Karen) Is Tuesday Weld whose real name?

(Helen) Is Walter Matthau as good an actor as he pretends to be?

(Karen) Well, that's what they say.

(Helen) I knew it, I just knew it.

Karen, tell me something.

Just tell me the truth.

You were playing me in your last film, weren't you?

No, Helen.

Helen, my last film was Mary, Queen of Scots.

(Helen) I know that, but I did sense some of my personality coming through in your performance.

We are so close, I knew you were doing me.

(Karen) Oh, really?

Wow.

That's perhaps why I wasn't nominated.

(audience laughing) (Helen) Karen, before Marty gets back, just one little thing.

(Karen) What?

(Helen) Let me see the scars.

-What scars?

-Your facelift scars.

Let me see them.

(Karen) I haven't had a facelift.

(Helen) Everybody in Hollywood has a facelift.

Let me see them.

(Karen) Look, no scars.

(Helen) Oh, he did a wonderful job.

I'll bet that cost you a bundle.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Oh, honey, we were just now talking about Karen's facelift.

(Karen) Tell me, how old are the children now?

(Helen) Oh, Karen, that's so sweet of you.

-What is?

-Isn't that sweet?

Sitting here, trying to pretend that you still can relate to your old friends.

Isn't that sweet of her, Marty?

(Martin) Sure is, sure is, but I want to tell you something, Karen.

Even though we live out here in the sticks, we know something about you Hollywood people.

-Oh, you do?

-Oh, yes.

As a matter of fact, if your old girlfriend here wasn't such a stick in the mud, I was gonna get something very special for you.

(Helen) Now listen to me, Marty, I am not about to get myself arrested for her.

I don't care how big a star she is.

(Martin) You wouldn't get arrested, Helen.

(Helen) Well, we might, and then what would happen to us?

She'd get one of her big fat cat lawyers to bail her out, but what about us, huh?

-We have a lawyer too!

-Could I just ask a question?

(Helen) No, you may not.

This is my house, Karen, and I just won't allow -that sort of thing.

-Allow what?

(Helen) I will not cater to your depraved habits.

(Martin) Oh, don't listen to her, Karen.

She's still living in the Middle Ages.

(Helen) Middle Ages?

What you were suggesting is immoral and illegal, Martin.

-What was it?

-Mary Jane.

-Mary Jane.

-Mary Jane?

-Pot.

-Pot.

-Pot?

-Yeah, you know, grass, marijuana.

I was gonna get some for you when I knew you were coming, -but she wouldn't let me.

-Oh, but I don't smoke-- (Helen) You can do what you want in your own home, Karen, -but I have my standards.

-Oh, you and your standards.

-I don't smoke marijuana.

-I have no desire to become part of the jet set, Marty.

If that's what you wanted, you should've married another girl.

-I don't smoke marijuana.

-Well, you don't have to act like you're living in the Stone Age either.

I don't smoke marijuana.

I don't smoke.

Anything.

(audience laughing) -We're so sorry, Karen.

-It's all right.

(Martin) Sorry, Karen.

(Helen) Here Marty and I are sitting here, arguing, and there you are with so many more problems.

Sit down and tell us all about it.

-About what?

-How many a day are you up to?

-How many what?

-Pills.

How many do you pop each day?

-I don't take pills.

-You can tell us.

-We read Valley of the Dolls.

-Twice.

(Karen) I don't take pills.

I don't even take vitamin pills, honest.

(Helen) Oh, no!

Oh, no, not Karen, no!

(Martin) Shh.

Poor--shh, please, Helen.

It must be hell enough on the poor woman as it is.

-What?

What is?

-My best friend and she's hooked on the hard stuff.

I don't believe this.

(Martin) Karen, is there anything we can do to help?

(Helen) Shh, there's nothing we can do.

You can't buck the Hollywood system.

Look at her, her eyes are all glassy.

She probably can't even hear us.

-There's nothing we can do.

-She has everything and she's blown it.

(Martin) You have to have a strong sense of values in Hollywood or it can ruin you.

Oh, oh.

Oh, what is the use?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh.

I thought I might be able to hide my sordid life from you, but it was a mistake.

I should have known that old friends like you would be able to see right through me.

Well, you are right, I have changed.

The sweet little Karen Burns you grew up with disappeared years ago.

I thought I could buck the Hollywood-- Hollywood system, but I was wrong.

Oh, I...

I could tell you the whole squalid story, but I know you don't want to hear it.

(audience laughing) This poor, innocent child came to Hollywood with stars in her eyes soon found herself sunk in the depths of depravity like all the others.

Oh, oh, I could a tale unfold.

(Helen) Unfold.

(Karen) Oh, no, you don't want to hear about the orgies... -Orgies.

-...the constant couches, my seven divorces, fourteen drug arrests, the nude swimming parties.

-Nude?

-Oh... Oh, why should I-- why should I burden you with all my love affairs?

(Helen) Oh, burden, burden.

-With Paul Newman.

-Does Joanne Woodward know?

(Karen) No.

And if you tell her, I'll kill you.

(Helen) I won't, I would never tell.

-Robert Redford.

-Robert Redford.

-Oh, Steve McQueen.

-Oh, wow.

(Karen) Mickey Rooney.

(audience laughing) No.

No, it is a far, far better thing that you remember me as I was, your sweet, innocent friend, Karen.

Oh... Oh, forgive me.

(crying) (sobbing) (applause) (Martin) Mickey Rooney.

(horn music) (applause) (dramatic music) I ran out of the house, and as I went through the window, I looked at my watch, and it was exactly 3:14, so you see, I couldn't have possibly had anything to do with the Frobisher murder.

(Cassidy) All right, sister, that's the tenth time we've heard that story and it still doesn't wash. Ryan, let me handle this alone.

(Ryan) Oh, no, Cassidy!

Now brutality, it never works.

I think we're better off if we use psychology.

(Cassidy) Tried psychology for six hours.

-Now we do it my way!

-No, now wait a minute.

Just give me one more chance with her.

(Cassidy) All right, one more chance.

But if she doesn't change her story this time, she's mine.

(Ryan) Okay, okay.

Now, look, honey, I'm trying to help you out, but you've got to tell us the truth.

(female suspect) I told you I've been telling you the truth.

(Cassidy) That does it.

Let me at her!

(Ryan) I don't know how long I can hold him back.

(female suspect) Look, I told you guys I was nowhere near the scene of the crime.

I was asleep at the time of the murder.

(Ryan) All right, all right, now, look, now let's go over it one more time, okay?

(female suspect) All right, I was asleep in this bed.

(Cassidy) Start from the top.

(female suspect) I've already told this story ten times!

(Cassidy) All right!

Well, tell it again.

(female suspect) All right.

This morning, I decided to take a nature walk and I got to this strange part of the woods, and I suddenly realized that I was lost.

-Then I came upon this house.

-Whose house?

(female suspect) I told you, I don't know whose house!

All I know is I peeped through the window and there was nobody there, and the door was open, so I went inside.

(Cassidy) And... (female suspect) And there were three bowls of porridge sitting on the table.

-And you ate the porridge?

-Not all of it.

First, I tasted some from the first bowl, the big bowl.

It was too hot, so then I tasted some from the second bowl, the middle-size bowl, and it was too cold.

So then I tasted some from the wee little bowl and it was just right, so I ate it all up.

(Cassidy) And then you took a cab to the West Side and you killed Milo Forbisher!

(Ryan) Take it easy, Cassidy!

(female suspect) That's not what happened at all!

(Cassidy) All right then!

What did happen?

Well, there were three chairs.

By then I was getting kind of tired and I wanted to sit down.

So, first, I tried the big chair and it was... (Cassidy) And it was too hard.

(Ryan) Let her tell the story, Cassidy.

(Cassidy) I'm sorry, but I know it forwards and backwards.

Then she tried the middle-size chair, but it was too soft.

So then she saw this wee little chair.

So she sat in it and it was just right, but she broke it!

I tell you, Ryan, I've heard this story before.

(audience laughing) (Ryan) Of course you have, she's told it ten times.

(Cassidy) Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, all right.

All right, give us the rest of it again.

(female suspect) See, then I went into the other room and there were these three beds.

(Cassidy) Never mind that, never mind.

Just get to the part where they woke you up.

(female suspect) Well, I was asleep in the wee little bed, and first thing I remember was waking up, and there was this papa and mama and a little kid, and they all came into the bedroom, and the papa, who was very big, said, "Somebody's been lying in my bed."

(Cassidy) And then the mother, who was middle-size, said, "Somebody's been lying in my bed."

And the little kid said, "Somebody's been lying in my bed, and there she is."

Well, somebody's been lying in this room!

(female suspect) I swear to you that's exactly what happened!

Then I jumped out of the nearest window and I ran away as fast as my legs would carry me.

(audience laughing) (sighing) (Ryan) It must be the truth.

She has every detail down pat.

(Cassidy) I know.

But there's something wrong with it.

There's something about it that keeps gnawing at me.

You think I'm crazy, right?

But that story sounds familiar.

(Ryan) Ah, you... You couldn't have heard it before.

You'd remember a story like that.

(Cassidy) Yeah, I guess you're right.

What are we gonna do?

(Ryan) I guess we'll have to release her.

(Cassidy) Oh, no.

Well, sorry, sister, but it didn't work.

-Figured it out, huh?

-Yeah.

(Ryan) Our police helicopter has been over every inch of that part of the woods.

(Cassidy) And there ain't no house.

So let's hear the story, the real story.

(female suspect) All right, I'll tell you the real story.

See, what really happened was this morning, it was very cold, so I got my favorite red cape that has the little red hood... (applause) (horn music) ♪ (applause) (jazz music) ♪ (applause) (yawning) ♪ (soft music) ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ (melancholy music) ♪ ♪ A movie star ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, to be a movie star ♪ ♪ A beautiful, glamorous, ravishing, radiant movie star ♪ ♪ ♪ No one imagines I harbor this hope ♪ ♪ ♪ People who know me ♪ ♪ ♪ Keep sending me soap ♪ ♪ ♪ They see soot stains and tar ♪ ♪ They'd see how wrong they are ♪ ♪ If I could only be a movie star ♪ ♪ A movie star ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, to be a movie star ♪ ♪ A beautiful, glamorous, radiant, ravishing movie star ♪ ♪ (majestic music) ♪ (male ensemble) ♪ Hubba-hubba, honey ♪ ♪ ♪ Hubba-hubba, honey ♪ ♪ ♪ Hubba-hubba, honey, wow ♪ (whistling) ♪ Hubba-hubba, what a dreamboat ♪ (whistling) ♪ Hubba-hubba, want to make that little dreamboat mine ♪ ♪ Hubba-hubba, what a chassis ♪ (whistling) ♪ Hubba-hubba, never seen a chassis quite so fine ♪ ♪ She's a killer-diller who ♪ ♪ ♪ Brings out a whistle in you ♪ (whistling) ♪ A solid sender of the feminine gender ♪ ♪ That hubba-hubba honey of mine ♪ ♪ (tapping) ♪ (applause) ♪ (mellow music) ♪ Cuddle up a little closer, lovey mine ♪ ♪ Cuddle up and be my little clinging vine ♪ ♪ Like to feel your cheeks so rosy ♪ ♪ Like to make you comfy, cozy ♪ ♪ 'Cause I love from head to toesie, lovey mine ♪ (male ensemble) ♪ Hubba-hubba, honey ♪ (Carol) ♪ Lovey mine ♪ (male ensemble) ♪ Hubba-hubba, honey ♪ (Carol) ♪ Lovey mine ♪ (male ensemble) ♪ Hubba-hubba, honey, wow ♪ (whistling) ♪ Hubba-hubba, what a dreamboat ♪ (Carol) ♪ Cuddle up a little closer, lovey mine ♪ (male ensemble) ♪ Hubba-hubba, what a chassis ♪ (Carol) ♪ Cuddle up and be my little clinging vine ♪ (male ensemble) ♪ She's a killer-diller ♪ (Carol) ♪ Like to feel your cheek so rosy ♪ ♪ Like to make you comfy, cozy ♪ (male ensemble) ♪ A solid sender of the feminine gender ♪ (Carol) ♪ Lovey ♪ ♪ Lovey ♪ -♪ Lovey ♪ -♪ That hubba-hubba honey of ♪ (all) ♪ Mine ♪ ♪ (melancholy music) ♪ A movie star ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, to be a movie star ♪ ♪ A beautiful, glamorous, radiant, ravishing movie star ♪ (male ensemble) ♪ Hubba-hubba, honey ♪ ♪ Wow ♪ (whistling) (applause) Thank you.

Be sure and be with us in two weeks when our guests will be Steve Lawrence and Tim Conway.

And, remember, Christmas Seals fight air pollution and lung disease all year-round, so you can help by using lots of Christmas seals on your holiday gifts and mail.

This year, for life and breath, please give more to the Christmas Seals.

Thank you.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Goodnight.

Thank you.

(applause) (theme music) ♪ (announcer) The policeman was played by Dick Patterson.

The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

♪ (applause) (bright music)