(theme music) ♪ (applauding) ♪ Thank you.

(clapping) Welcome to the show--thank you.

Thank you--tonight, we have Peter Matz and the orchestra, and our group of regulars, Harvey Korman, and Vicki Lawrence, and Tim Conway, and our special guests are The Pointer Sisters.

(cheering and applauding) Let's turn up the lights-- see how y'all are.

Uh-huh, yes, you look fine-- okay, that's it.

(laughing) You wanna say anything?

Anybody have any--?

Well, for goodness's sakes, yes!

-Who designed your sets?

-Who designed my what?

(chuckling) Oh, the set.

Paul Barnes--a delightful man.

Do you know him?

I'll introduce ya after the show.

(laughing) -Yeah?

-Can you do the Tarzan call?

You want me to do the Tarzan-- yeah, all right.

(clearing throat) (imitating Tarzan) Oh.

(chuckling) I lost it.

(imitating Tarzan) (cackling) (clapping) Now, I had it when I came in.

(imitating Tarzan successfully) (applauding) That scared me-- I'd be out of work if I couldn't do that--yeah?

-Mhm?

-Carol, what is it that sets you off laughing when you're looking back in this direction?

What are they doing?

What sets me off laughing when I look back in that direction?

If you'd all turn around, back there-- see those glass partitions?

That's the booth-- that's the booth where the director, and the associate director, and the technical director, and the producer, and the head writer-- and they all sit there, and what makes me laugh-- (chuckling) is that they're all drunk.

And that's a bulletproof glass back there, you know, so we can't get to 'em, and we're out here, you know, sweating our tails off, and they're back there going-- -So, I laugh.

-Would you send up some more ice, please?

(laughing and applauding) -Yes?

-How'd you feel to be elected the Best All-Around Performer on that award show -that they had last year?

-I was shocked.

For one thing, I didn't know that they had that category.

Nobody told us--they told us that we were going to be the recipient of the Variety Show Award.

But, I didn't know about the other thing, -and so it came as a-- -You looked really shocked.

Yeah, I was--I-- it was a total surprise.

Lovely too--I was very thrilled.

-Yeah?

-How'd you feel -when your eyelash fell off?

-My eyelash--oh when that fell-- I didn't feel too bad 'cause I grew it again the next morning.

-Yes?

-Are you gonna make another movie with Walter Matthau?

Oh, I'd love to-- we don't have any plans, but I'd love to work with him-- he's a crazy, lovely man.

-Yes?

-Have you ever played Juliet?

-Have I ever played Juliet?

-In Romeo and Juliet.

(Carol) Oh, I thought you meant a town somewhere.

No, I haven't.

I don't know why-- I'm so perfect for it.

-Yes?

-Can I say hello -to my friend in New York?

-You wanna say hello -to your friend in New York?

-Yeah.

Well, what's your friend's name?

-Steve...yeah.

-Steve?

You wanna say hello -to Steve?...You're not allowed.

-Yes.

-Say hello real quick.

-Hi, Steve.

(Carol) You and Steve an item?

I mean, why Steve?

-What's your name?

-Leora.

-Leora?

-Yeah.

What's going on between you and Steve, Leora?

I mean, is it serious?

It's not?

It is now-- you just talked to him 3,000 miles away-- it only cost $8,000-- (laughing) -Yes?

-Who designs your clothes?

Bob Mackie designs our clothes.

He gets all the stuff, though, at White Front.

(laughing) Then he--you know, he'll do a little thing here and there.

Right off the rack.

He designs the clothes that Cher wears.

Can ya tell?

(chuckling) Okay, listen, we got a big show for you, so don't go away-- we'll be right back.

(applauding) (announcer) From Television City, Hollywood, it's the Carol Burnett Show.

(upbeat theme music) ♪ With Harvey Korman.

(applauding and whistling) ♪ Vicki Lawrence.

(applauding) ♪ And Tim Conway.

(clapping) ♪ (mellow music) (silverware clanking) ♪ (Mickey) That was some fine meal, Mrs. Eunice.

Yes, sir.

(Eunice) Thank you, Mickey.

You didn't eat all your peas, Mother Harper.

(chuckling) (Eunice) It's just leftovers.

I mean, if I'd had any advance warning that you was gonna plop yourself down here and stay for dinner, well I might've fixed something special.

(Ed) Now, Eunice, don't you make Mickey feel unwelcome just 'cause I impulsively asked him over for dinner tonight to brighten up his life.

(Eunice) I didn't say he wasn't welcome, Ed.

What she said is leftovers is good enough for me, but not for anybody else.

(Ed) Hey, Mick, what would you say?

You wanna play some gin rummy?

-All right--okay, chief.

-Well my.

Don't that sound like a lot of fun for you, and not for Mama and me.

'Course, don't mind me-- I never like to be included in any fun.

(Mickey) Well now, wait a minute-- I know something all four of us could play.

-Parcheesi.

-Hey!

Hey!

I know what all four of us could play.

It's just oodles of fun.

Charades!

Huh?

You wanna play charades?

Oh, I love it!

Mama, 'member when we was kids, you used to play charades with us all the time?

-I just don't think there's-- -I think I'd rather play Parcheesi, Eunice.

Well, we don't have Parcheesi, Ed.

(Ed) Well, all right, then we'll play charades.

(laughing) Well now, I don't wanna force anybody.

Well, then let's not play.

(Eunice) Oh, it's gonna be such fun!

Here, Ed--now you and Mickey, you be a team, and you'll be against Mama and me-- sorta the men against the women.

That'll be fun-- now, y'all sit over there, and you take that pencil and paper, and you think up--oh-- for now, let's say two charades.

Now, it can be a book, or a movie, or a play, or a song, or a saying--okay?

-Oh, and no foreign words.

-All right.

Oh, come on, Mama, let's go over the signals.

(Mama) Lord--this gonna be complicated.

(Eunice) Mama, don't be such a gloomy Gus.

Now, come on, I'll teach you-- all right?

Now, this is the signal-- watch me, Mama!

This is the signal for movie, and this is a saying, and this is a song, and, oh, this is a play, and this is a book.

Huh?

You got all that?

The play was just the same as the book.

No, it wasn't, Mama-- this is the play-- that's the curtain opening-- this is a book.

Okay, now, let's see-- these are little words, see?

And this is a signal for the T-H words, like "them," "the," "those," and "that."

Except, if you do get the word "that," you do that, and then you put your hand on your head like you're touching your hat, and that's a "that."

And then--oh--this is the signal for a proper name, and this is a signal for "sounds like," if it rhymes--oh, and uh-- Ooh!

These are the signals for the syllables.

See?

Now, you got all that, Mama?

No.

(Eunice) So, come on, Mama-- what'll we write down?

Now, let's see-- it can't be too hard, and it can't be too easy--now-- Oh--oh why, oh why can't I think?

Oh, come on--come on, brain.

Bubble, bubble, bubble!

Come on, let's come up with a goodie.

-Ooh.

-I know a good song.

-What?

-"Under the Bamboo Tree."

(Eunice) Oh no, Mama, that's too simple.

All they have to do would be to get "tree" and that'd be it.

No, it's gotta be something-- something kinda tough, you know, like that movie I saw on TV last night with Leslie Howard.

The Scarlet Pimpernel.

Ooh!

The Scarlet-- (Ed) Okay, we're ready!

Are you ready over there?

(Eunice) In a minute!

In a minute!

-Come on, Mama!

-Well, what's the matter -with "Under the Bamboo Tree"?

-Well, all right!

All right, "Under the Bamboo Tree."

Give em a gift-- "Under the Bamboo Tree."

Okay!

Okay, we're ready-- come on, Mama.

(Ed) Okay, let's go.

(Eunice) Come on--now you put your papers down here for us, and we'll put the ones we wrote for you down there.

(Ed) Okay, I'm prepared to go, hot to trot.

(Eunice) Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

We gotta time it-- we're on a time limit here.

Okay--okay, now you don't go till I say, "Go,"--go!

(Ed) All right--Mick.

(Mickey) Uh, it--it's a song.

Song--it's got four words.

Oh boy, I know that-- uh, "I Love You Truly," "The Band Played On," "Dance With The Dolly"-- -I haven't done anything yet.

-Oh, I--well you said -four words-- -No, no, no--stop talking.

-Stop talking.

-Just watch what I'm doing, -Mickey, just watch me.

-All right.

Okay, you got-- Huh?

-Ooh.

-Oh, it's your finger.

It's your finger-- oh, it's your needle-- yeah, you're sewing your fingers up.

You hurt your finger and sewing it up, putting it all--no-- no, it's a-- It's your fingernail!

I know that one!

I know it!

"The Old Nail Cleaner."

(grunting) -Ow!

Ohh!

-It's--oh, it's a pain!

Boy, that hurts a lot.

Got some kind of pain going-- it's hurting him.

-You got a stomach ache?

-Stomach ache!

-Ulcer, cramps.

-Mama, will you shut up?

(laughing) We're not supposed to be playing 'cause we know what it is, supposedly.

Ed, do the first word.

The poor man obviously doesn't know what you're doing and I'm in the dark too.

(Mickey) Okay, uh--all right, you're safe-- -You're out--you're safe-- -No, you idiot!

I'm wiping out what I did before and I'm going to the first word.

-No words!

No words!

-Oh how the heck am I'm not gonna use words, if he's too dumb to understand the signals?

(chuckling) Listen to me--first word.

The first word.

First word.

Well, come on, answer me!

(giggling) Why should I?

I'm too dumb to understand the signals.

(Ed) I didn't mean nothing by that, Mick--I-- -it just slipped out--now-- -Well, you never talked that way before-- kinda loud up there yelling at me and everything like that.

-Now I'm time-off here.

-Oh, for Pete's sake.

(Ed) Now, Mickey, don't be so sensitive.

I'm an old grump sometimes, that's all.

But, you know I think you're a whiz-bang of a guy.

You know I think you're the best darn assistant at Mall Hardware.

I was just getting mad at myself 'cause I wasn't giving you good signals.

(Mickey) Well, it wasn't that, chief-- those signals were real good, -but I just had-- -Could we please get back to the game, you suppose?

(Ed) All right--okay.

(Mickey) Okay--well, all right, so first word-- First word--it's "over."

Over--oh-- Oh, it's all the way around.

It's, uh-- you're driving a truck.

-No!

-Pulling tires-- (Ed) I'm giving you the "opposite of" signal.

-Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

-Don't you say nothing!

We never went over the "opposite of" signal!

(Eunice) Oh!

Well, in that case, I guess he's permitted to take the verbal signal.

Is that all right with you, Mama?

Don't ask me--I don't know what the hell's going on.

(laughing and clapping) -Fifteen seconds!

-All right--okay.

Over--oh-- Oh, it's the opposite of-- the opposite of "over."

-Mhm!

-Opposite of "over."

(Ed) Ahh!

(grunting) (Mickey) Uh, opposite-- don't tell me, don't tell me!

Opposite of over...under!

-Under!

-Time!

Time!

-It can't be time already!

-Well, it is time.

I knew you was gonna quibble about it, so even I gave you a few extra seconds, take time out for your lover's spat, and your time is up, Mister.

(chuckling) (Mickey) Well, what was it, anyway?

I-- That was mine-- "Under the Bamboo Tree."

(Eunice) Oh yeah, what was all that stuff you was doing with your fingernails, and wiggling, and moaning?

(Ed) Bamboo!

Bamboo!

Are you all crazy?

You don't recognize a man being tortured by having those bamboo shoots driven into his fingers?

For the love of mud, you always see the World War II movies on TV--the guy's always saying, "I'm gonna give you my name, -my rank, and my serial number."

-Oh, would you spare us -the whole movie, Ed.

-Bamboo!

(Eunice) Oh, you're just awful-- now, Mama.

(laughing) It's your turn, Mama-- you pick one of these that they wrote for us.

Now, don't you be concerned, honey, 'cause I'm right here to catch whatever you throw.

Now, you get up there, Mama-- we're gonna show 'em.

We're just gonna lick 'em.

Come on, Mama.

-Come on, Mama.

-Bamboo.

-I-- -Bamboo.

(Eunice) Ed, you be the timekeeper on this one.

(Ed) Alrighty.

And...they're off!

(laughing) -I can't read this.

-Time out!

(Ed) Time out!

Let's see--oh-- "Supplemental Hardware Guide."

(chuckling) We're sunk, Eunice.

Mama, please, don't see doom right on every corner all your life-- now just take it step by step.

-We're gonna be fine.

-Okay.

And they're off!

(Eunice) Okay, Mama, come on-- come on, Mama.

Okay, it's a book.

-Mama, no!

-It is so!

(chuckling) (Eunice) All right, all right.

You're put--wait, Mama, wait!

Wait, I gotta know how many words it is first.

(laughing) Three words--okay, Mama.

No--Mama-- Mama, which word are you doing-- will you tell me that?

Mama, hurry up, would you move it?

Third word--you're doing the third--you're pointing.

You're pointing-- what you pointing at?

You're pointing at the room-- you're pointing at the kitchen.

You're pointing-- you're pointing, Mama.

Give me something more to go on--you're pointing.

Uh, is it your finger?

Your fingernail?

Mama, what--?

Oh, was it you?

Is it you?

You?

Oh, you're a parter-- you're a lecturer.

Is it the word "point"?

Well, what do you do besides point?

(laughing) Oh, Mama, would ya--?

Do the first word-- will you just do the first word!

(mumbling) Mama, get the lead out, would ya?

(laughing) Mama, if you can't give me the whole first word, just break it down into syllables, okay?

Okay, Mama, okay.

How many syllables?

Oh, Lord, there she goes again.

(snickering) Four--okay, which syllable you gonna do first?

Oh, criminy sakes, will ya--?

First syllable--okay, Mama-- first syllable--come on!

You're pulling out something-- a drawer?

Oh no, you're sitting-- you're sitting-- you're eating--you're eating-- you're eating soup?

Porridge, uh--oatmeal, cream of wheat--porridge!

Little Ms. Muffin-- Goldilocks.

Goldilocks?

It ain't Goldilocks.

Uh, um--it's uh-- your breakfast, lunch, supper, dinner, uh-- Give me another hint!

I'm supping!

-No words!

-Shut up, Ed!

(Eunice) Supping?

Is it supper?

Sup?

Sup--sup.

First syllable is "sup."

Okay, Mama, come on, what's the second syllable?

-Time!

-All right--boy.

(cackling) -Got 'em on that one, Ed.

-Lord, I hope I never -have to go through that again.

-Man.

(Mickey) That was something, wasn't it?

Huh?

Look at that.

I told you-- when you said you put that down, and-- (Eunice) When you have finished your childish chortling, I sure would appreciate you telling me what the hell that was.

-Supplemental Hardware Guide.

-Supplemental Hardware Guide.

(laughing) (Ed) Really--I got a copy of it, and I keep it near my register in the store--you've seen it.

(Mickey) That's right-- chief thought of that one.

Well, I am beyond words.

At the small--I'm just stunned at the smallness of spirit.

Somebody who--who would put down "Supplemental Hardware Guide"-- a complex technical title like that in a friendly little game of charades.

Ha.

And here I was feeling guilty about even thinking up this one.

I wasn't even gonna write this one down, but now I'm glad I did.

Scarlet Pimpernel.

Okay, Mickey, it's your turn.

Let's see you guys get this one.

-All right, here.

-Sure glad I thought that one up for 'em, Mama-- we're gonna get 'em now.

Okay, on your mark, get set, go!

(Ed) A movie!

Uh, Scarlet Pimpernel!

-That's it, right.

-Hey!

Right on!

Good going this game!

-Right on!

-Yeah!

(applauding and whistling) (Ed) How many seconds was that?

-Five.

-Are you sure?

(Eunice) It was five.

(laughing) (Ed) I got 'em on that one-- that's Mickey's favorite movie.

-Yep.

-He saw on the TV last night-- he's been talking about it at the store all day.

(Mickey) See, this guy's, uh-- he acts like kind of a sissy, but in reality, he is a spy!

(Eunice) I have seen the movie, Mickey.

(Mama) In fact, that was your big surprise to skunk y'all.

(Mickey) Oh--uh-huh.

(Eunice) Well, you're a fine one to talk, after those dumb clues you gave me.

What the hell was all that pointing, point, point, point?

(Mama) Well, if you would rather quit playing, Eunice-- (Ed) Now, just a minute-- we're gonna be magathaminous.

We're gonna spot you 2 minutes and 50 seconds.

-What do you say about that?

-We don't need your charity.

(Mama) We do so.

Take him up on it, Eunice, before he changes his mind.

(Ed) All right, I'll put her down-- all right.

(Eunice) All right.

-You're in now by gum.

-"Supplemental Hardware Guide."

Oh, Mama, it's a cinch!

Oh, we got this one sewed up, Mama.

-You ready?

-Come on--come on, Mama.

-And they're off.

-Okay.

It's a song.

Six words.

First word.

You waiting on someone?

You waiting?

You--wait, you're cutting something?

You're cutting some paper?

-You're cutting some paper.

-No.

(Mama) You're cutting-- you're chopping something.

You're chop--you're hitting somebody in the neck with that Chinese stuff?

You're cutting off some--?

Oh, I know what-- you're cutting a word off.

"Waiting"--"wait"--"wait."

Second word.

-Ear.

-No!

(Mama) Oh, it's another one of them damn signals.

-"Sounds like."

-Uh-huh.

(timer ticking) (Mama) Well, it looks like you're taking a pill.

-Uh-huh, uh-huh.

-"Pill"?

-Uh-huh.

-Sounds like "pill"?

"Daffodil"?

(laughing) No!

Well, "Bill"?

-Ugh!

-Well, I'm doing the best I can, Eunice--I ain't no poet-- I gave you two words that rhyme, what more do you want?

Third word, I guess.

-"The."

-Uh-huh, uh-huh.

(Mama) "The."

Fourth word.

"Sky"--"moon."

-Phew.

-"The sun."

-Uh-huh!

-"Sun"-- "Wait"--"pill"--"the"--"sun."

(chuckling) What the hell dumb song is this?

"Wait till the sun shines" something!

-Yeah!

-I know this song.

Are we through now?

(Mickey) You gotta say the whole thing-- that's part of it.

(Mama) Well, I don't say why-- I know the song, I just can't think of that last part.

Oh, here we go again.

The six--well I know, I know.

I know, "that," "that."

That's not the signal for "that"!

This is a signal for a proper name--!

(Ed) There's no talking!

Now, I'm putting my foot down!

(Mickey) That's right-- cheaters never prosper!

(Eunice) You shut up, you uninvited, little moocher!

(laughing) Now, you listen to me!

I told you what this signal was.

This is a signal for proper names.

This is a signal for "that."

Now, I am gonna give you a proper name!

And then, I'm gonna give you a signal for "sounds like."

Now, come on, Mama-- you know this song!

Well, how the hell could I think with you screaming at me?

(chuckling) Proper name!

Sounds like!

Stop it now!

"Pain"!

"Agony"!

-"Belly"!

-Yeah!

Sounds like "belly"!

"Wait Till The Sun Shines Belly"!

(Eunice) I'm gonna kill you!

-"Nellie"!

-Yes!

(Mama) "Wait Till The Sun Shines Nellie"!

-Yes!

-Oh!

Oh!

Oh yeah!

Woo!

Yeah!

Yeah!

That was it, Mama: "Wait Till The Sun Shines Nellie"!

Oh!

Whoa!

(laughing) Woo-hoo!

(exhaling heavily) Oh boy, I was good on that one.

Woo!

Whoa.

How much time was that?

(Ed) Uh, you were two minutes over.

(chuckling) I couldn't possibly have been two minutes over.

(Ed) I have the timekeeper, and I said you were -two minutes over!

-That's right.

-And I'll tell you something-- -Oh, shut up!

You liar!

Liar and cheater!

(Ed) Oh, what's the matter, Eunice?

We stumped you that time, -didn't we?

-That's all you care about, isn't it?

Stumping people, and stomping on 'em, and destroying 'em, and cheating!

Cheating and--and lying, and-- I just go--I want a friendly little game of charades maybe once every 15 years to get together.

And then, what do you do?

You give me some impossible thing, like "Supplemental Hardware Guide."

Where nobody could get.

Especially when they're playing with a dumb cluck like her.

(laughing and clapping) Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord.

(chuckling) Lord in heaven, how I ever gonna get through another day with these two?

(giggling) (Mickey) Well, with me, it would be three, wouldn't it?

(Ed) Hey, Eunice, what do you say let's have another game?

(Eunice) Okay!

Listen, I tell you what.

You and me will be partners, and Mickey and Mama.

-Come on, Ed, let's-- -All right--wait, I'll-- (energetic music) (applauding) ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, The Pointer Sisters.

(applauding) (upbeat music) ♪ ♪ Betcha got a chick on the side Show you another trick ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ (both) ♪ Betcha got a chick on the side Show you another trick ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ (all) ♪ Betcha got a chick on the side Show you another trick ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ Betcha got a chick on the side Show you another trick ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ I know you want us both ♪ -♪ And I know the reason why ♪ -♪ I know why you want her ♪ ♪ I can give you so much lovin' ♪ -♪ But presents she can buy ya ♪ -♪ How much can money buy ♪ ♪ Last night you're in my arms ♪ ♪ Tonight I'm all alone ♪ ♪ How long will this game go on ♪ -♪ How long ♪ -♪ How long ♪ ♪ Oh oh how long ♪ ♪ Betcha got a chick on the side Sure, you got a trick ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ Betcha got a chick on the side I know you got a chick ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ -♪ I caught you with her twice ♪ -♪ I bet you got ♪ ♪ A chick on the side ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ -♪ I bet you two tonight ♪ -♪ Betcha got a chick ♪ -♪ On the side ♪ -♪ Another lover ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ Betcha got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ It might hurt me for a while but of one thing I am sure ♪ ♪ Oh I won't miss you ♪ ♪ I'll get over you ♪ -♪ Yes, I'll find someone new ♪ -♪ I might break down and cry ♪ ♪ Each time I open up my heart ♪ ♪ It seems to just get torn apart ♪ ♪ How long will this game go on ♪ -♪ How long ♪ -♪ How long, how long ♪ -♪ Oh oh how long ♪ -♪ Betcha got a chick ♪ ♪ On the side, Sure, you got a trick ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ -♪ I just know you got ♪ -♪ Got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ I know you got another ♪ ♪ I know you got a another lover ♪ ♪ Betcha got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ Can she love you, can she love you like me ♪ ♪ I saw you, don't you try to hide ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'll set you free ♪ ♪ Don't hide from me, no, no, no ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ I saw you, don't you try to hide ♪ -♪ Don't hide from me ♪ -♪ I bet she love you good ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ I saw you, don't you try to hide ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ Don't hide it from me, no, no, no ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ I saw you, don't you try to hide ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ Don't hide it from me, no, no, no ♪ ♪ I know you got a chick on the side ♪ ♪ No, don't you try to hide it from me ♪ ♪ Don't you hide it, hide it, no, no, no ♪ ♪ Don't hide it from me ♪ ♪ No, don't try to hide it from me ♪ (applauding) (somber jazz music) ♪ (bartender) What'll it be?

(woman) What's the difference?

Just make it strong.

-How about some Jack Daniel's?

-No, I don't want anything with a man's name on it.

(laughing) Another one.

-What?

What'd you say?

-Huh?

Um, nothing, nothing.

-How about this?

-Anything--just pour.

(exhaling heavily) That's funny.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

Hm.

Ugh.

I guess this is what--what a person is supposed to do, huh?

Find a little remote bar someplace, and come in and pour out her whole story to a strange bartender.

I don't suppose it'll do any good, but-- (laughing) What the heck?

Here it goes.

He wasn't a bad guy.

Just liked to fool around, that's all.

'Course I knew that when I met him.

I did, I did, and I--I figured, "Well, what the heck?"

You know, we're both single-- it's a free country.

(sniffling) It's just that I--I never thought he'd run out on me like that.

And we've been going around together for three years.

(bartender) "Going around together," huh?

Where'd you meet him, in a revolving door?

(laughing) -No, we met in Chicago.

-Oh, The Windy City.

It's really windy there, you know.

I knew a chick in there that laid the same egg three times.

(chuckling) -We were even gonna get married.

-Ah, you know what, you never know what happiness is until you get married.

Then it's too late.

(laughing) 'Course we were of different faiths.

(bartender) Oh yeah, it's like the priest said when he back into the rabbi's car: "If it wasn't Friday, I'd chew your tail off."

I don't think that's very funny.

(bartender) Oh?

How about this one?

These two rabbis were loading -a perfume truck, see-- -I think you're mentally sick!

(bartender) That's what my psychiatrist says-- he says, "If you don't pay your bill, I'm gonna -let you go crazy."

-Well, that's not--what-- (laughing) Hey, what are you trying to do to me?

I came in here with a broken heart.

(bartender) I have a friend whose heart is so broken-- (woman) I don't care about your friend!

I'm at the end of my rope!

(bartender) Did you hear one about the two cowboys?

(woman) Oh, stop it!

Stop it!

Do you know what I did?

I came in here for one last drink-- one last drink.

You know what I'm telling ya?

Huh?

-Mhm.

-I was gonna have one last drink, buddy, and then I was gonna end it all.

(bartender) "End it all"-- I had a friend who did that.

He dressed himself up as a pine tree, and threw himself in front of Euell Gibbons.

(laughing and clapping) (woman) Oh, stop it!

Stop it!

-Stop it!

-Ah, yeah, sure, you want me to stop it, but I can't stop it!

It's the only way I can keep my sanity in this joint.

People like you always coming in here pouring out your troubles to me--I can't get out of here.

I can't hide-- I can't get away from it.

My jokes are the only way of fighting back.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry-- I didn't realize.

(bartender) I mean every single day!

(laughing) People coming in here pouring out their troubles.

You know what, I got troubles too, lady.

Would you believe it?

But, I have nobody to tell them to.

When I get out of here, all the rest of the bartenders have gone home.

(woman) Wait, listen, you can tell 'em to me.

-Really, lady?

-Sure.

(bartender) Hey, thanks, I'd appreciate that.

-I got nobody else.

-Listen, I know the feeling.

-Well.

-Here.

(bartender) Hey, thanks.

(chuckling) Cheers.

(choking) Cheap stuff.

She was really something.

Long, blonde hair down to here.

Silky.

A pair of baby blue eyes that turn you into Jell-O in two minutes.

I knew as soon as I laid my eyes on her, there was never gonna be another woman in my life.

For two years, we lived in paradise.

And then, it happened.

One morning, I got up and she was gone.

Ran off with my best friend.

Huh?

I said, "Well, that's okay, I'll find somebody else."

But, it didn't work.

Nobody could hold a candle to that girl.

(woman) Where'd you meet her, in a dynamite factory?

(cackling) (clapping) -You're okay.

-Eh, you're not so bad yourself.

(bartender) Would you care to join me in a cup of coffee?

(woman) Sure, you think we'd both fit?

(laughing) (applauding) (lively music) ♪ (chorus) ♪ Sing to me ♪ ♪ Mr. C., sing to me ♪ ♪ The song that I've been waiting to hear ♪ ♪ Just for me, Mr. C. ♪ ♪ Just for me ♪ ♪ And everybody else ♪ ♪ Will disappear ♪ ♪ Just in time ♪ ♪ I found you just in time ♪ (clanking) ♪ Right-- ♪ (thudding) (laughing and applauding) (upbeat theme music) (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ ♪ (announcer) And now, back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ (chorus) ♪ Sing to me ♪ ♪ Mr. C., sing to me ♪ (snickering) ♪ The song that I've been waiting to hear ♪ ♪ Just for me, Mr. C. ♪ ♪ Just for me ♪ ♪ And everybody else ♪ ♪ Will disappear ♪ ♪ Make someone happy ♪ (cracking) (laughing) (applauding) (energetic rock music) ♪ (Sheepman) Okay.

All right, yeah, all right!

All right!

That was Martin and the Kneecaps singing "Bring It On Home."

And this is Sheepman Jack coming at you with a solid hour of rocking power.

50,000 decibels of screams and yells.

Yeah, rock and roll to save your soul.

Yeah, solid beats to tap your feet.

So, look out, Mack, the Sheepman's back.

Bah, bahh.

(laughing and clapping) Yeah, a little extra "bahh" 'cause you're a good group.

And now it's guest time.

And guest time is the best time.

And guess who's dropped in to the Sheepman's fold, a brand new group whose records are solid gold.

The Four Painter Sisters right here.

Hey, ladies, nice to see ya-- thank you for coming in.

(applauding) Yeah, girls.

(clapping) Nice to have you in the studio, girls.

Yeah, the Sheepman hasn't caught your act yet, but I hear that you are one of the greatest rock groups -of all time.

-Oh no, Sheepman, we don't sing rock-- we sing standards, like "Stardust."

-"Body and Soul."

-Well, yeah, soul!

Yeah, they sing soul, that's outta control.

Yeah, main influences are Tina Turner Gladys Knight, and Aretha.

(Anita) No, our main influences are Patty, Maxene, and LaVerne.

Yeah, the--yeah, the first names of the Soul Sisters.

(June) No, The Andrews Sisters.

(Pointer Sister) You know, "Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen."

Oh yeah, jive talk--I dig it!

-No, that's Yiddish.

-British, yeah, The Beatles, -The Stones, The Cockers.

-Hey, let's get one thing straight, Mr. Sheepman.

-Yeah.

-We don't sing rock and roll.

We don't like rock and roll, and we don't listen to rock and roll.

Man, you're putting the Sheepman on.

(June) We like good music, like Gershwin, Porter, -Broadway.

-You gotta be O-T-L. Out to lunch.

(Ruth) As a matter of fact, our favorite show is The Sound of Music.

-What?

-Let's do a number--come on.

(playing harmonica) (The Pointer Sisters) ♪ The hills are alive ♪ ♪ With the sound of music ♪ (Sheepman) Hold it!

Wait a minute!

You can't sing that here!

-Why not?

-You can't sing that on the Sheepman Show, uh-- sorry about the noise in the background, fans.

Yeah, we're having trouble with the transmission, so it's time to go fishing.

This is the Sheepman signing off early, now hold down tight-- be back later tonight.

This is the Sheepman saying, "Good-bahh."

(laughing) Well, ladies, I'm very sorry that it turned out this way.

(chuckling) But, I have to make a living, and my listeners just don't appreciate good music.

Frankly, I detest the trash I play.

(Pointer Sister) Baby, you don't have to apologize.

We don't dig what we doing either.

We sang this stuff for the bread.

(Anita) That's right, honey.

We just doing the best we can to please the man.

(Pointer Sister) Right on, sister.

(Ruth) Hey, man, we dig your jive-- give me five, June.

-All right!

-Okay!

♪ One, two, sock it to me ♪ ♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me ♪ (Sheepman) I can't stand the noise-- I have a headache!

(The Pointer Sisters) ♪ One, two, sock it to me ♪ ♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me ♪ (applauding) ♪ (old-fashioned music) ♪ (chuckling) ♪ (snickering) ♪ (laughing) ♪ (indistinct chattering) ♪ (chuckling) ♪ (laughing) ♪ (giggling) ♪ (laughing) ♪ (chuckling) (bell ringing) ♪ (thudding) ♪ (bell ringing) ♪ (bell ringing) ♪ (thudding) ♪ (crunching) ♪ (bell ringing) ♪ (bell ringing) ♪ (metal clanking) (thudding) ♪ (clanking) (thumping) (chuckling) ♪ (clanking) ♪ (clanking) (laughing) ♪ (laughing) ♪ (laughing) ♪ (applauding) ♪ (clanking) ♪ (clanking) ♪ (laughing) (applauding) ♪ (gentle piano music) (indistinct chattering) ♪ -Ladies, ladies, ladies.

-What?

A toast to the bride to be.

-Ahh!

-Congratulations.

♪ A toast to the groom to be.

-Yeah!

-Woo!

(thudding) A toast to the honeymoon.

-Ooh!

-Woo!

(thumping) (bridesmaid) Let's hear from the bride's mother.

-Okay!

-Yeah!

(mother) A toast to my daughter's virginity.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

(laughing and clapping) (bride) A toast to all of my wonderful friends here.

(chuckling) And to my nuptials, which are going to take place tomorrow morning in the A.M. How much time do I have left, guys?

(triumphant music) (all) ♪ There's just a few more hours ♪ ♪ That's all the time you've got ♪ ♪ A few more hours ♪ ♪ Before you tie the knot ♪ ♪ (clanking glass) ♪ (silverware jangling) ♪ I'm getting married ♪ ♪ In the morning ♪ (all) ♪ Hallelujah ♪ (cackling) ♪ Ding-dong, them bells is gonna chime ♪ ♪ Ring them bells ♪ ♪ Pull out the stopper ♪ (hysterically laughing) ♪ Let's have a whopper ♪ -Woo!

-Ooh!

♪ But get me to the church on time ♪ (bridesmaid) We'll be right here-- don't worry about a thing while we're here while we're singing songs.

(energetic music) (all) ♪ Gotta get to the church on time ♪ ♪ On time ♪ ♪ Gotta get to the church on time ♪ ♪ On time ♪ ♪ Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, get to the church on time ♪ (bride) ♪ I gotta be there in the morning ♪ -♪ In the morning ♪ -♪ Spruced up ♪ -♪ And looking in my prime ♪ -♪ Look in prime ♪ -♪ In the morning ♪ -♪ Girls, come and kiss me ♪ ♪ Show how you miss me, but get me to the church ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ Gotta get to the church ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ Gotta get to the church ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ Gotta get to the church ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ Gotta get to the church ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta ♪ ♪ Get to the church on time ♪ (bride) ♪ If I am dancing roll up the floor ♪ ♪ If I am whistling, throw me out the door ♪ Mama!

(indistinct cheering) ♪ (mother) ♪ She's getting married in the morning ♪ -♪ In the morning ♪ -♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ The bells are gonna chime ♪ -♪ Gonna chime in the morning ♪ (mother) ♪ Kick up and rumpus, but don't lose the compass ♪ -♪ And get her to the church ♪ -♪ Gotta get her to the church ♪ -♪ Get her to the church ♪ -♪ Gotta get her to the church ♪ (mother) ♪ For God's sakes, get her to the church ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ Gotta get her to the church ♪ -♪ Gotta get her to the church ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ Gotta get her to the church ♪ -♪ On time ♪ ♪ Gotta get her to the church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta get to church on time ♪ ♪ On time ♪ (bride) ♪ Gotta get me to the church on time ♪ -♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ Church bells gonna chime ♪ -♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ Church bells gonna chime ♪ -♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ Church bells gonna chime ♪ -♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ Church bells gonna chime ♪ (bride) ♪ Gotta get me to the church on time ♪ ♪ ♪ I'm getting married in the morning ♪ -♪ In the morning ♪ -♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ The bells are gonna chime ♪ -♪ Gonna chime in the morning ♪ (bride) ♪ Drug me or jail me, stab me and bail me ♪ ♪ But get me to the church on time ♪ (mother) ♪ Gotta get her to the church on time ♪ (all) ♪ Gotta get her to the church on time ♪ ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church on time ♪ ♪ On time, time, time, yeah ♪ ♪ ♪ She's gotta be in the church in the A.M. ♪ ♪ She's gotta be there when those chapel bells chime ♪ ♪ She's gotta be in the church in the A.M. ♪ ♪ She's gotta be there and she's got to be on time ♪ ♪ She's gotta be in the church in the A.M. ♪ ♪ She's gotta be there when those chapel bells chime ♪ ♪ She's gotta be in the church in the A.M. ♪ ♪ She's gotta be there and she's got to be on time ♪ ♪ She's gotta be in the church in the A.M. ♪ ♪ She's gotta be there when those chapel bells chime ♪ ♪ She's gotta be in the church in the A.M. ♪ ♪ She's gotta be there and she's got to be on time ♪ (mother) ♪ Someone who's able, lift up the table ♪ ♪ (all) ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to the church ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to that church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to that church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to that church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to that church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to that church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to that church on time ♪ ♪ Gotta see me get her to that church on time ♪ ♪ On time, time, time ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ On time ♪ -♪ On time ♪ ♪ She's getting married in the morning ♪ ♪ Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime ♪ (bride) ♪ Feather and tar me, call out the army ♪ -♪ But get me to the church ♪ -♪ Gotta get her to the church ♪ -♪ Get me to the church ♪ -♪ Gotta get her to the church ♪ (bride) ♪ For God's sakes, get me to the church ♪ ♪ On ♪ -♪ Time ♪ -♪ Ding-dong ♪ ♪ Ding-dong ♪ ♪ Ding-dong ♪ ♪ Ding-dong ♪ ♪ On time, time, time ♪ ♪ Gotta me to the church ♪ ♪ On-- ♪ (vomiting) ♪ On time ♪ (cheering and applauding) Thank you--be sure and be with us next week when our guest will be Roddy McDowall.

And remember, let's look for new ways to conserve energy, and in doing this, we can conquer pollution--thank you.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just got started, and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say, "So long" ♪ Sounds like.

(lively theme music) ♪ (applauding) ♪ (announcer) The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

♪