(theme music) ♪ (applause) Welcome and thanks.

Well, we've got a good one for you tonight.

Along with our regulars Harvey Korman, Vicki Lawrence, and Tim Conway... (applause) ...and also our terrific orchestra conducted by Peter Matz, we have--thank you.

(applause) We have a young lady.

I have been dying to have her on her show-- on our show--on her show-- on our show ever since I first saw her in the movies.

She starred in Young Frankenstein, she starred in What's Up, Doc?

And she received two Academy Award nominations, one for Blazing Saddles and the other for Paper Moon: Madeline Kahn.

(applause) Woo!

(applause continues) Oh, she's just wonder-- oh, I love her.

Oh, hey, let's turn up the lights and see if y'all want to say anything.

-Yes?

-You're just wonderful and beautiful.

(Carol) Thank you!

That's a lovely question.

-Yes, sir.

-Are you gonna be having any more garage sales?

No, we sold all the garages we had left.

It was very successful.

We raised close to $16,000 for Dr. Jonas Salk's cancer research.

Yeah.

Yes.

(female speaker) Hi, I really think you're great, and I would love you to sign my nothing book.

-Your nothing book?

-It's like an autograph book.

(Carol) You have a nothing book and you want me to sign it.

(audience laughing) I would be the biggest nothing in the book, right?

Okay, come on.

I'm only allowed to sign one-- one autograph a show because, uh, if I did all of them, I'd be here all minute.

-What's your name?

-Jackie.

Hi, Jackie.

-How old are you?

-Fourteen.

(Carol) Yes, you had to think about that.

(audience laughing) I understand, 'cause they say that on the ticket, don't they?

Where do you want me to sign, Jackie, in here?

-In here.

-Okay.

"To Jackie."

Are you married?

-No.

-Not yet.

Okay.

Oh, what's my--oh, yeah.

"Carol."

-Thank you, Jackie, very much.

-Thank you.

(Carol) Thank--I hope you enjoy the show.

How long have you had the braces on?

-Um, since March.

-Yeah, since March.

You're gonna be gorgeous, you're already gorgeous with the braces.

You'll be beautiful without them too.

-Thanks.

Bye.

-Bye.

I wish I had braces when I was a kid.

I'd be a movie star.

Yes.

-Yeah?

-...gorgeous legs from?

-Pardon me?

-Who did you inherit your gorgeous legs from?

(Carol) Well, you cute thing.

Who did I inherit my gorgeous legs from?

Why, you-- How old are you?

-Fourteen.

-You little devil.

Have you ever thought in terms of an older woman?

That's very nice.

Who did I inherit my g-- O.J.

Simpson.

I got 'em from him.

Yes.

Oh, I see you're 14 too.

(laughing) (female speaker) Here, Aunt Carol.

(Carol) Huh?

Aunt Carol?

Am I your aunt?

(laughter, applause) -What's your name?

-Rosie.

(Carol) Rosie.

You mean--is this Rosie?

I haven't seen--oh, I'm sorry.

I just... Come here.

How are you doing?

Is everything okay?

It's so good to-- where's your sister?

Oh, my Lord.

Oh, they were babies when I saw them.

That's why I didn't know.

Oh, and you're potty-trained and everything.

You look beautiful!

You look beautiful.

I'll see you after the show, okay?

All right.

Hi, Rachael.

Nice to see you.

-Yes.

-Do you ever plan on coming to Colorado?

Colorado?

Okay, I'll come there.

Yeah.

-Yes, sir.

-...oil capital of the world which is Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Tulsa.

Well, let's see, we have apples and we have strawberries and oranges.

Would you send us some oil?

It's nice to have you here.

(male speaker) Anyway, I'd like to say thank you for ten wonderful seasons.

Well, you're starting your tenth season.

(Carol) Yes, we are.

Thank you.

(applause) We fooled 'em another year!

-Yeah.

-I've loved your show for nine years, and I've loved you, and it keeps getting better, and just congratulations.

(Carol) How old were you when it started?

(male speaker) Well, 11.

Oh.

(male speaker) How old were you-- how old were you when it started?

How old was I?

I was 11, too.

Listen, we've got a big one for ya, so don't go away, we'll be right back.

(laughing) (applause) ♪ (announcer) From Television City, Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show... ♪ ...with Harvey Korman... ♪ ...Vicki Lawrence... ♪ ...and Tim Conway.

♪ (thudding) ♪ (applause) (soft saxophone music) ♪ (Eunice) Oh, my lady.

(television playing) Ed.

Ed, the only thing I have ever asked for in our entire marriage is this few quiet minutes.

(Ed) Eunice, bowling for dollars loses all of its zing when the sound is turned off.

I don't know why I'm constantly surprised by the depths of your selfishness.

Ed, I am in a play, and the play opens in two weeks!

(Ed) All right, all right!

I didn't think you was gonna start practicing until your friend got here.

(Mama) Eunice, don't you think you're taking this acting business just a little bit too serious?

No, Mama, I don't, and Mavis Danton doesn't think so either.

(Mama) Well, who the hell is Mavis Danton?

Don't you know anything?

Mavis Danton happens to be the director of this show.

She's also a brilliant actress, and she's been in the movies.

Well, now, Eunice, I think being in a play is just wonderful, especially if you're young, and you got no family ties, and you're on your way up.

(Eunice) Yeah, I know what you're saying, Mama.

You never did think I had any talent.

Lord knows you have drummed that into my head since the day I was born.

But I'm here to tell you right now that I do not choose to believe that anymore.

Thank the Lord I saw Joey Heatherton on the The Mike Douglas Show last week.

And she said, "Mike, you gotta get out there and you gotta audition for anything and everything."

And that's when I called up the Pepper Pot Playhouse and I got me an appointment to read for Mavis Danton.

And she thought I was talented, Mama, and she gave me a part in this play: Mary, Queen of Scotland!

Two lousy little pages.

(Eunice) How many times do I have to tell you that it is not the size of the part that counts?

This happens to be a very key scene, Mama.

There she is, there she is!

Listen, the two of you, we're gonna practice in here, so why don't you go on into the kitchen, play Parcheesi or something, huh?

Play Parcheesi?

With her?

(Eunice) All right, Ed, all right.

Then why don't you just turn up the TV, have yourself a beer and have yourself a square dance, and Mavis and me can rehearse in the street!

You'd like that, wouldn't ya?

Oh, hello, Miss Danton!

Come in, come in.

(applause) Uh, I do hope you didn't have any trouble finding the place.

(Mavis) I can't believe it.

I headed to it like a homing pigeon which, if you knew my sense of direction, would astound you, Bernice.

-It's Eunice.

-Oh!

Me and names, me and names.

You know, a movie producer once said to me, he said, "Mavis, darling, names are going to be your downfall," but I just keep on forgetting them, which is so naughty.

Hello.

Hello.

My, what a cozy little nook you have here.

(Eunice) Oh, thank you.

I'd like you to meet my mama, and this is my husband, Ed.

This is Miss Danton.

(Mavis) Uh, no formality, please.

It's Mavis.

After all, we are troupers together, aren't we?

But, Eunice--there, I got it.

Yes.

Eunice, you didn't mention that your husband was so attractive and so basic-looking.

Excuse me, Mr. Higgins, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

I speak my mind.

It's nuts, but who gives a damn?

That's the way I am, so there.

(Ed) Well, that's okay.

I'm kind of a nut myself.

-Sit down, Mavis.

-Okay.

(Ed) Here.

Have you really been in the movies?

(Mavis) Guilty.

But after one movie in that phony Hollywood world, I said to myself, I said, "Mavis, get out before they destroy you.

Go back to the theater."

So I fled back to Raytown where people are real.

(audience laughing) -What movie were you in?

-Cat Women on Mars.

It was a kind of a science fiction thing.

Was Ingrid Bergman in that?

(Eunice) No, Mama, Ingrid Bergman wasn't in that.

Every movie you mention my mama thinks Ingrid Bergman was in it.

(Mama) I never will forgive her for running off with that foreigner.

(Ed) Look, I've seen the Cat Women on Mars on the TV.

I don't remember you.

(Mavis) I know.

Isn't it a crime the way they cut movies to pieces for TV?

I mean, they just cut the whole essence of that film.

(Mama) Yes, siree, I crossed Ingrid off my list in 1949.

(Eunice) Mama, Mavis and me got to do some practicing.

(Mama) Oh, well, all right, okay.

Come on, Ed, let's go in the kitchen.

We'll never hear the end of it if we don't.

I guess we'll find something to do in here.

(Ed) Well, what about Parcheesi?

(Eunice) Mavis, I've been practicing all day here, and I got all the lines down by heart, and I think I have ironed out some of them little kinks that you was talking to me about.

And so I cleared out some of the furniture here... (Mama) I'll tell you one thing, you couldn't pay me to see an Ingrid Bergman movie today.

(Eunice) And over here, see, could be-- the fireplace, this could be that clump of trees that we refer to, and then this could be the entrance, you know, where we come into the meadow.

-Is that okay?

-Yes, oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, that will do nicely.

Okay.

Let's just go with it, keeping in mind the structure that we've already set but not feeling hidebound by anything, but remembering what we agreed was our first beat here.

We are after a kind of numb despair mixed with kind of doomed frivolity, okay?

(audience laughing) -Uh-huh.

-All right.

Now that we have laid our foundation, let's soar from it.

In our circles, in our circles, in our circles, in our circles.

Let me enjoy my newfound liberty.

Let us be children.

Oh, Hannah, be a child with me.

(Eunice) Oh, my lady, my lady!

You fly before me as on wings!

(Mavis) Hannah, rejoice with me.

Let me in my hungry gladness drink in the free celestial air.

(Eunice) Your jail has been extended but a little.

Why, the walls are barely covered by those trees.

(audience laughing) (Mavis) Someday I will escape this jail and be free of Elizabeth's despotic sway and shall see my beloved Scotland again.

(Eunice) Fine fruitless wishes.

(laughing) See you not from afar, my lady, how we're followed -by observant spies?

-Excuse me, why did Hannah laugh like that?

That is not the way we rehearsed it.

(Eunice) Oh, I know, I know, I know, but you see, I thought that would be real good there.

I mean, that would be a nice character point for Hannah, you see?

Yvonne De Carlo did that in Flame of the Islands and it was real effective, and it kind of shows that Hannah has got a sense of humor.

(Mavis) Oh, a sense of humor about what?

The fact that I'm about to be beheaded?

Ha-ha.

Let me show you.

Just let me show you.

(Eunice) Oh, no, no, don't.

Please, don't show me, don't, don't.

I don't want to copy nobody 'cause I want this part to come right from me.

(Mavis) We've been trying that for a week, dear.

Just watch me.

(humming) My lady, my lady, see you not from afar how we are followed by observing spies?

Do you see how I just latched on to a lovely quality there?

Thank you.

And, now, Sir Amias Paulet enters and says, "My lady, the queen is hunting the neighborhood..." (gasping) -What was that?

-Oh, that was a gasp.

I mean, it says right here "Hannah gasps."

(Mavis) Yes, mm-hm.

Not anymore she doesn't.

(audience laughing) (Mama) Come on, Ed, for Pete's sake.

Will you just roll the damn dice?

(Ed) Well, I gotta read the rules first, don't I?

(Eunice) Will you hush up in there?

(Mavis) Please, please, please, please, please, please.

-All right, from, uh... -Yes.

(Eunice) Oh!

Oh, my lady.

My lady, you grow pale.

Oh, my lady, I sense disaster!

-Eunice.

-Oh!

(Mavis) Eunice, you're knocking me over here.

You don't have to throw yourself into it quite so intensely.

Can't you just relax for heaven sakes?

Well, Bette Davis didn't win an Oscar for Jezebel by dragging her butt.

(Mavis) Eunice, you need a stronger image here.

You need an urgent-- a weakness, a frailty.

I've got it.

A butterfly.

Yes, that's it.

Be a butterfly with me for a moment, won't you?

-Be a butterfly?

-Yes.

Yes, yes!

Yes, you will be astonished at the values it brings to this lady-in-waiting.

-Now?

-That's it, that's it.

(Carol) Oh, my lady, you grow pale.

Oh, my lady, my lady.

Uh, I--I sense disaster!

Well, shoot, that's awful.

(Mavis) No.

No, no, no, it had a quality.

Now just forget the butterfly and a lighter quality will remain.

Okay, let's try it again.

-Forget the butterfly?

-Yes.

-But you just said to be... -Double six!

(shouting) (Eunice) Will you just hush up in there, please, Ed?

I am trying to create something, and it does not help me to hear you yelling -about double sixes!

-I have a wonderful idea.

Wouldn't you two lovely people just love to help out by reading these other parts here?

(Eunice) Oh, no, no, no, no.

Why don't you just let 'em play their game?

(Mama) Oh, no, hell no.

Anything is better than moving these little doohickies around.

(Eunice) No, really, I got enough on my mind without... (Mavis) Nonsense!

It will do you good.

Yes, okay, darling.

We are starting from right over here, and you'll be reading this part, the part of the queen.

Mr. Higgins, you'll be reading the part of Sir Amias Paulet.

(Ed) All right, hot dog!

I better get myself a pencil, circle my lines.

(Mavis) Okay.

Let's take it from the top.

You're getting there, Eunice.

In our circles, in our circles, in our circles, in our circles.

Let me enjoy my newfound liberty!

Let us be children.

Oh, Hannah, be a child with me.

(audience laughing) (Eunice) Oh, I'm blank.

Mama, what's my first line?

You don't even know your first line?

-Mama.

-"My lady, my lady."

(Eunice) All right, I got it.

Oh, my lady, my lady!

You fly before me as on wings.

(Mavis) Hannah, rejoice with me!

Let me in my hungry gladness drink in the free celestial air.

(Eunice) Your jail has been extended but a little.

Uh, oh, shoot.

Don't tell me, don't tell me, uh... -"The walls are barely..." -I said, "Don't tell me."

Uh, the walls... Oh.

What is it?

You told me not to tell you.

(Eunice) Now I am telling you to tell me.

(Mama) Well, I don't want to get my head bit off... (Eunice) Will you please tell me the damn line?

-"Hidden by them trees!"

-Hidden by them trees!

(laughter, applause) (Mavis) Someday I will escape this jail and be free of Elizabeth's despotic sway and shall see my beloved Scotland again.

(Carol) Fine fruitless wishes.

See you not from afar how we are followed by observant spies?

(Mavis) That is your line, Mr. Higgins!

I can't find a pencil.

(Mama) Never mind the pencil, Ed!

I got my finger on your line right here.

(Ed) Oh, all right.

Let's see, where is it?

Let's get some pep into these proceeds!

(gibberish) Ahh, got ya!

(grunting) My lady, the queen is hunting in our neighborhood.

(gasping) -What?

-Will you just go on?

(Ed) Oh, uh... She will appear before you any moment.

(Eunice) Oh, my dearest lady, you grow pale.

Oh, my lady, my lady, I sense disaster.

(Mavis) Eunice, we could use more urgency here.

It is your next line, Mr. Higgins.

(Ed) I'm sorry, let's see what we've got here.

Uhh, got ya!

(audience laughing) The queen approaches!

(Eunice) Careful.

Be not accusing, my lady.

(audience laughing) Is that the way you're gonna do that?

(Eunice) I've had just about enough out of you, old lady.

(Mavis) No.

Your mother has a point, Eunice.

You see, she is the inarticulate voice of the people.

She senses something is missing, but she cannot quite put her finger on it.

What she is trying to say is that she misses finesse, theatrical control.

Yeah.

(Mavis) Just don't leap up quite so fast.

(Mama) Yeah, you popped up there like a jack-in-the-box.

-You said, "Be urgent."

-Come, come.

Let's continue, let's continue from your next line, please, -Mr. Higgins.

-All right, let's see.

Uh, got ya!

Her majesty, the queen.

(Eunice) That's you.

"Good day, Lady Stuart.

I see your own deceitful heart has brought you to your reward."

(audience laughing) (Mavis) Oh, for God's pity, I am a queen like you, yet you have confined me to prison!

Your whole person is false and painted, heart as well as face.

A bastard profanes the English throne.

What kind of smut is this play?

(audience laughing) Mama, don't worry about it.

It's a very famous play.

(Mama) Well, I can't make heads or tails out of it.

(Ed) Me neither.

All those la-di-da words.

(Mavis) Can we get through this just once, please?

(audience laughing) When you regard me with those freezing looks, my heart contracts and turns to ice.

(Eunice) Unhappy lady, frenzy overcomes you.

(Mavis) Now would you please hold me up?

(Eunice) How can I when you keep telling me -not to be so forceful?

-All right, but you don't have to let me fall on the floor here.

Got to use a little common sense.

Don't you have any instinct at all?

(Eunice) Well, yeah.

Yeah, I got some instinct, but every time I use it, I seem to get slapped down.

(Mama) You know, this is exactly the way you treated that flamenco teacher.

Nobody can teach you anything.

(Eunice) Can't you ever once take my side in anything?

I'll never forget it, never forget it.

One time I came home from the third grade with an honorable mention ribbon for my clay ashtray, and I showed it to her, and you know what she said to me?

-No.

-She said, "So what?"

I'll never forget that.

(Mavis) Well, Eunice, I do not understand what this has to do with Hannah and Mary, Queen of Scotland.

Will you tell me, please?

Thank you.

It is bad enough that you have to fight every single bit of direction I give you, but now you ask me to stand here and listen to all of this noise.

(Eunice) Direction?

Just when have you given me any kind of direction?

First, it is, "Be a butterfly."

Then, it is, "Cut, forget the butterfly.

Don't be a butterfly."

Then, it's, "Be urgent," then it's, "Be frail."

-Then, it's too weak... -Listen, Bernice... (Eunice) It's Eunice.

(Mavis) Listen, Eunice, I would have canned you last night if you hadn't begged me on your hands and knees to come over here and work on this scene.

(Eunice) Well, the only reason you wanted to come over here and work on this scene was so that you could cut out all of my precious moments because you want to hog the whole show!

(Mavis) Your moments?

The audience would stampede out of the theater if I let you have just one of your moments!

(Eunice) Oh, yeah?

Well, what the hell do you know about direction anyway, Miss Cat Woman on Mars?

(audience laughing) (Mavis) Oh.

I may have slipped a little since Cat Women on Mars, but I never dreamed I would sink so low as to cast a belligerent, no-talent peabrain like you just because you bought a hundred tickets!

(audience laughing) When I talk about this, and I will, I won't forget to mention your gasps.

(chuckles) Goodnight, Bernice.

(applause) A hundred tickets?

Did she say a hundred tickets?

Well, that explains this whole thing.

I mean, the whole time I was thinking the lady was nuts.

How much money did you have to lay out for a hundred tickets?

(Eunice) Two hundred dollars, and so what?

That's our life savings!

(Eunice) Oh, Ed, don't worry about it.

I'll sell 'em to all my friends.

(Mama) You ain't got three friends, much less a hundred.

(Ed) You had the gall to spend our life savings on tickets for that jibber-jabber?

(Mama) Oh, now shut up, Ed!

Can't you see Eunice is upset?

Poor baby, she's failed again.

(audience laughing) Just don't you fret about it too much, darling.

Failure is not so bad.

Hell, you still got us.

♪ (applause) ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, my very good friend, Miss Madeline Kahn.

(applause) (whistling) (cheering) (Madeline) Well, thank you very much, Carol, especially for introducing me as your very good friend.

(Carol) Yeah, that's right.

Well, you know, you always do that on shows like this 'cause Madeline and I really aren't very good friends.

I don't mean it that-- we're friends.

(Madeline) Friends.

It's just--it takes time to become very good friends.

(Carol) We actually really kind of just met.

-Really.

-No, this is true.

What happened was last year, after I saw you in Young Frankenstein, I had seen Madeline in all of the other movies, and I thought, "I love her so much, why don't I write her a letter and tell her?"

So I shipped off a fan letter to you.

(Madeline) Yes, and I was so surprised to get it and so thrilled, and so flattered, and so pleased that, of course, I wrote back saying all of these things.

(Carol) And I was so thrilled that she was thrilled that I had written her that then I wrote her back telling her how thrilled I was that she got my letter -and wrote me.

-And, of course, I couldn't just leave it at that, so I wrote back again.

(Carol) And then I wrote her again.

(Madeline) That was--and then I felt that, you know, we had to stop because I was going to London, I was going to be away, and I felt that we should see other people, which I... (laughing) (Carol) Do you want to keep talking about this, or should we sing about it?

(Madeline) Well, it's your show.

(Carol) Oh.

Hit it.

(upbeat music) (humming) -And I was so lonely.

-♪ A friend is to keep ♪ ♪ So you never lack ♪ ♪ Somebody to like who likes you right back ♪ (Madeline) ♪ A friend is to please ♪ ♪ A friend is to cheer ♪ ♪ To help through the night ♪ ♪ A friend is to write "I wish you were here" ♪ And I was so lonely... (Carol) ♪ A friend is to trust ♪ ♪ And fight to defend ♪ Well, you could've written me then.

(Madeline) ♪ A friend is a must ♪ ♪ When you need a friend ♪ (Madeline and Carol) ♪ You only need one ♪ ♪ And, friend, when you do ♪ ♪ Your very best friend, your friend to the end had better be you ♪ ♪ Thick as two thieves, you and me ♪ ♪ Close as two leaves, you and me ♪ ♪ Hearts on our sleeves where they're easy to mend ♪ ♪ Friend ♪ (Carol) ♪ Bugs in a rug, you might say ♪ (Madeline) ♪ Yes, so snug, we're smug, you might say ♪ (Carol and Madeline) ♪ We're sticking through thick and thin to the end ♪ ♪ ♪ Right as the rain, me and you ♪ (Madeline) ♪ Links in a chain, me and you ♪ (Carol and Madeline) ♪ We're like chow mein, we're a beautiful blend ♪ ♪ Our friendship goes to show ♪ ♪ It takes a friend to know a real good friend ♪ ♪ (Carol) ♪ A friend is to keep ♪ (Madeline) ♪ Thick as two thieves, you and me ♪ (Carol) ♪ So you never lack ♪ (Madeline) ♪ Close as two leaves, you and me ♪ (Carol) ♪ Somebody to like ♪ (Madeline) ♪ Hearts on our sleeves where they're easy to mend ♪ (Carol) ♪ A friend is to please ♪ ♪ A friend is to cheer ♪ ♪ To help through the night ♪ ♪ A friend is to write "I wish you were here" ♪ ♪ A friend is to trust ♪ ♪ And fight to defend ♪ ♪ A friend is a must ♪ ♪ When you need a friend ♪ ♪ You only need one ♪ ♪ And, friend, when you do ♪ ♪ Your very best friend, your friend to the end, it better be you ♪ (Madeline and Carol) ♪ You only need one ♪ ♪ And, friend, when you do ♪ ♪ Your very best friend, your friend to the end ♪ ♪ Your very best friend, your friend to the end ♪ ♪ Your very best friend ♪ ♪ Had better be you ♪ (applause) (theme music) (announcer) And, now, back with the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(upbeat music) ♪ (whistling) (audience laughing) (clinking) (audience laughing) (clicking) -Hey, mister.

-Hm?

(security guard) Take it easy on that machine.

You're gonna break it.

(audience laughing) (Mr. Tudball) Yeah, I didn't come out here to break this machine.

(audience laughing) And also I didn't come out here every ten minutes to put the dime in there just to hear that machine go "kehoopt."

(audience laughing) I lost my dime into that machine.

(security guard) All right, now don't get excited.

Let's see here, we'll get it back.

There you go.

Whoa, now, mister!

You put a slug in there.

I could have you arrested for that.

(Mr. Tudball) That's really comical, tee-hee, tee-hee, tee-hee.

I didn't put no slug in there.

I put the dime in there and it fitted in there.

(security guard) Yeah, it's the first dime I've seen with a picture of Daffy Duck.

(audience laughing) (Mr. Tudball) Well, look, Blue Knight, I want to... (audience laughing) That... (audience laughing) That coin went in there that had the picture of Roosevelt on it.

I don't know why it won't come out.

I put the dime in there.

(security guard) I don't care.

Now you just lighten up on that machine or there's going to be trouble!

(audience laughing) -Now you be a good fella.

-All right.

(whistling) (audience laughing) (clinking) (audience laughing) (laughter, applause) Ah.

(muttering) (clinking) All right.

Get in there fast.

All right.

(audience laughing) This is a waste of time.

(clinking) (security guard) Look, buddy, I'm warning you again!

Stop abusing that machine!

(Mr. Tudball) I'm not abusing that machine.

I'm telling you that that machine is eating my dimes.

(security guard) How come you're the only one that complains?

(Mr. Tudball) I don't know.

I tell you what, I'll give you a dime right there, you put that dime in there and you'll see-- (security guard) All right.

-There you go.

-Right.

(security guard) Out of order, huh?

Well, you start kicking this machine again and I'll put you out of order.

(Mr. Tudball) All right.

(whistling) All right.

Ah!

Ah, shut that off now, boy!

(thudding) (security guard) All right, buddy, I warned ya!

This is my last warning!

Come along this way!

Come on!

-Ah!

-What are you doing?

(Mr. Tudball) You just stand right over there, boy.

Nobody is taking me off to the hoosegow!

(audience laughing) Hoosegow?

Listen, I'm just a lousy building guard.

I'm not Kojak.

-Give me that back.

-Stand back over there, boy, or I'll let you have it right now.

Don't you tell me that you're going to do that to me.

Sure, the next thing I know, you're gonna get this gun back, then I turn my back and you go "ka-bang, ka-bang."

They're gonna send for my mom.

(security guard) Ma?

I don't believe this.

(Mr. Tudball) Have her try and talk me out of this.

You think so?

Yeah, next thing you know, she's down there yelling her head off at me and then the newspaper gets a hold of that story, makes a whole bunch of fun at her.

Then some toy company is probably making the Ma Tudball of charms.

I'm gonna put a hole in whoever is responsible -for this right now!

-I'm not responsible!

I don't even drink coffee!

I know that.

This is responsible.

(gunshot) (security guard) Oh, there's your cup of coffee.

All right, everything is all right.

Now do me a favor, will ya, friend?

Next time you come to work, bring your own coffee, huh?

(Mr. Tudball) See, I told you that this was... (Mrs. Wiggins) Oh, free coffee.

(laughter, applause) (horn music) ♪ Fifty years ago, we saw That's Entertainment, and here we are today with That's Entertainment Part 86.

(audience laughing) (fanfare music) (applause) ♪ -♪ Life ♪ -♪ Is a cane and a hat ♪ -♪ Life ♪ -♪ Is a tune in B flat ♪ -♪ Life ♪ -♪ It's as simple as that ♪ -♪ That's life ♪ -♪ That's show biz ♪ ♪ Life is a twist ♪ ♪ Life is a twirl ♪ ♪ Life is a tap dance with a beautiful girl ♪ ♪ Life is a glide ♪ ♪ A carousel ride ♪ ♪ Life is romancing, delectably dancing ♪ -♪ Life ♪ -♪ Is a song of desire ♪ -♪ Life ♪ -♪ Is a cellophane fire ♪ -♪ Life ♪ -♪ Is a heavenly choir ♪ ♪ Singing ooh, singing ah, singing ooh ♪ (Tim) ♪ Life ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Ooh, ah ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Is an MGM show ♪ (laughter, applause) You remember that glorious period when dancing pictures were the rage?

(Tim) Aye, there was a time you couldn't show up at the studio without your black tights and high heels.

-You still wear yours?

-Just to parties.

(soft music) (Harvey) Let's have a look-see at one of the greats.

(audience laughing) ♪ Ah.

(applause) (lively music) (tapping) ♪ ♪ ♪ (laughter, applause) (soft music) Well, you know, as I look over this studio, I recall some really fond memories... ♪ ...that I have here of lasting friendships in the industry.

I--I recall a couple that became America's singing sweethearts.

♪ What a memory... (audience laughing) He was kind of a tall guy, wore kind of a buckskin outfit, and she's a beautiful girl who had long, blonde curls and always wore long dresses because her legs were different sizes.

(majestic music) ♪ ♪ You always used to ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ I always used to ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ We always used to ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh together ♪ ♪ We'd do together our ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ I don't know what to do-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Without your little ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ My wing days are through, my dear, unless I can hear ♪ ♪ Another ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ ♪ You always used to ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ (Madeline) ♪ We always used to ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh together ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Let's do together ♪ (Harvey and Madeline) ♪ Our ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ (Harvey) ♪ I simply couldn't do-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Without your little ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ (Harvey and Madeline) ♪ My wing days are through, my dear, but now I can hear ♪ ♪ Another ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ (applause) (Harvey) Now what do you think of when you see a top hat and a cane, huh?

(violin music) A magician with a sprained ankle.

You want to just roll that film?

(thudding) ♪ (lively music) ♪ (tapping) (applause) ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ (applause) In that great era of the musicals, some of the biggest stars danced their way to Hollywood, some sang their way to Hollywood.

But in the case of this great swimming star, she literally stroked her way to Hollywood.

(audience laughing) (majestic music) ♪ (Carol) ♪ Down to the deep I soar ♪ ♪ ♪ In search of you, love, the one I am burning for ♪ ♪ We'd be so full of desire ♪ ♪ So carefree together that you'll put out my fire ♪ (bubbling) ♪ Love, come here and sigh in my ear ♪ ♪ Oh, darling, we ♪ (bubbling) ♪ Go easy with love ♪ (bubbling) (spitting) ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ (plopping) ♪ (thudding, gurgling) ♪ (gurgling) ♪ ♪ Be mine ♪ ♪ The feeling is divine ♪ ♪ Together, we'll both go ♪ (bubbling) ♪ With love ♪ ♪ (applause) (audience laughing) (horn music) ♪ (Tim) ♪ Life was a cane and a hat ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Life was a tune in B flat ♪ (Harvey and Tim) ♪ Life was a simple as that ♪ ♪ ♪ But life was show biz ♪ ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Show biz ♪ ♪ Show biz ♪ ♪ Show biz ♪ ♪ Life is a twist ♪ ♪ Life is a twirl ♪ ♪ Life is a tap dance with a beautiful girl ♪ ♪ Life is a glide, a carousel ride ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Life was romancing ♪ (Madeline) ♪ Delectably dancing ♪ ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Life was the song of desire ♪ ♪ Life was a cellophane fire ♪ ♪ Life was a heavenly choir ♪ ♪ Singing ooh, singing ah, singing ooh ♪ (Madeline) ♪ Singing ah, singing ooh ♪ (unintelligible) (ensemble) ♪ Was an MGM show ♪ (applause) ♪ (applause) (whistling) ♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Good night.

Thank you.

(theme music) ♪ (announcer) The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

This is your announcer speaking.

♪ (bright music)