(theme music) (applause) ♪ Thank you, welcome to our show!

Thank you.

This even--aren't you nice?

Thank you, thank you.

This evening, along with Peter Matz and our terrific orchestra, we also have Harvey Korman, Vicki Lawrence, Tim Conway, and our special guest Mr. Roddy McDowall.

(cheering and applause) Turn up the lights.

See what you all have to say.

-Yes?

-Do you plan on making -any more movies?

-Yes, I have great plans to make movies, yes.

The producers don't have plans to call me, but I have great plans.

-Yes?

-Carol, you're so vivacious.

Where do you get all your energy from?

(Carol) Thank you, I take tons of vitamins.

Now, I know some doctors don't believe in them and some doctors do, and maybe it's all up in the-- but I really believe in 'em, I feel much better.

I've been doing that for about two years, and just piles of 'em, bottles like that.

Yeah, but don't pop them indiscriminately.

Get a doctor, a nutritionist to prescribe them for you.

Don't just go popping vitamins.

-Well, it's working.

-Thank you.

-Yes?

-Of all the-- It's a duet.

(woman) Of all the characters you've ever portrayed, -which has been your favorite?

-My favorite right now is Eunice, I love doing that.

That's--that's fun.

Thank you!

(applause) Yes, uh-huh?

Yes!

(boy) What specials do you have coming on CBS this year?

(Carol) Aren't you cute?

You sound just like a plant.

(chuckling) You're ador--what's your name?

-David.

-David.

And who asked you to ask me that?

(boy) Nobody.

(Carol) You just thought of it yourself?

-How old are you?

-Eleven.

Eleven--you're supposed to be 14 to get in here, but since you're-- (laughing) But don't worry, David.

By the time we finish tonight, you'll be 14.

It's a long show.

I am doing a special this year that'll be on Thanksgiving night with a lady named Beverly Sills, and we did it at the Metropolitan Opera House in New York City, but it's not all opera, it's a lot of stuff, and I think you'll enjoy it.

Ask your parents to let you stay up late.

It's on around 10 o'clock.

Okay?

Thank you, David.

-Yes?

-Who's your favorite actress?

My favorite actress--wow.

Oh, I have quite a few.

I love Glenda Jackson, and I love Shirley MacLaine.

Like those are the first two that popped in my mind.

-Yes?

-Can you do your Tarzan call?

I shall do my Tarzan call for you, because nobody ever asks for it.

(imitating Tarzan) (laughing) (imitating Tarzan) (applause) (woman) Carol, first of all, I've got two comments.

Your thing with Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman was fantastic.

-Thank you!

-And I'm wondering if it was gonna be a permanent skit now -with you?

-If we would do Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman permanently?

-Uh-huh.

-Well, they do it every night.

You know, I don't know how we-- But thank you, that's not a bad thought.

It was fun to do.

Wasn't Vicki wonderful as Loretta?

I thought she looked just like her.

-Yes?

-I loved your idea of the black tie garage sale.

Are you gonna have another one and can I come?

Oh, thank you, but see, we sold everything, and we probably won't do that for another 10 years yet, you know--will you wait?

-Okay, thank you.

-I'll wait.

-Yes?

-Carol, this is the third year I've managed to come to California for my vacation, and saying "Hi" to you is always the highlight of my trip.

-Thank you--where are you from?

-Newark, New Jersey.

And you--this is the third year in a row you've come out here -and seen our show?

-Uh-huh--just really -to see your show.

-How nice of you!

Thank you--well, I hope we'll be back a fourth year, -and you will, too!

-I hope so.

Thank you!

Yes?

-How's yoga?

-Oh, I love it.

(woman) I know my sister has class with your teachers.

-Oh, Suzanne?

-Yes.

Oh, really?

Oh, she's terrific, isn't she?

Yeah--I love her, I'm gonna see her tomorrow.

We do, we have our class every Thursday and Saturday.

-Yes?

-Do you plan to do another cameo appearance on All My Children?

(Carol) I would love to do another cameo appearance on All My Children, but that's in New York, and unless I get back there, you know, and have a chance-- -Did you watch it?

-Yeah.

(Carol) Anne had her baby.

-Did she, for real?

-Yes, Anne had her baby this week, and so far the baby looks all right.

They were worried about it and everything, and they think she's--oh, it's a beautiful little girl, and--oh, oh!

They're gonna find out that Kitty's mother isn't her real mother.

Pretty soon, you know what's happening?

Well, see, Kitty, for those of you who don't watch, Kitty has this fake mother that her ex-mother-in-law hired to get Kitty away from Pine Valley into Minneapolis, and keep Kitty away from her son Linc.

So anyway, Kitty thinks this lady is her long lost mother, but she's not, she's a hired actress.

And so now, this long lost mother won't go back to Pine Valley, because she knows nobody will recognize her, but Mona Kane said that she would go to Minneapolis, because she remembers what Mrs. Carpenter looked like, and she's gonna go on Saturday, which in soap opera talk is about four months from now.

Yes?

(indistinct remarks) -Pardon me?

-Who made your sexy gown?

(Carol) Who made my sexy gown?

Well, Bob Mackie designs all the clothes.

All the clothes that all of us wear, even the really dumb ones for our show.

And Bob is also the designer for Cher.

He does all of her clothes, notice the, uh, similarity.

(chuckling) Well, ya can't win 'em all--yes?

(woman) When you're in a serious mood and you have to do -a comical act, how do you-- -When I'm in a serious mood and I have to be funny, how do I do it?

Just like I am now.

-Yes?

-How many brothers -does Eunice have?

-How many brothers does Eunice have?

Oh, you've kept tabs, have you?

All right, the first one was Roddy, and the second one was when Tommy Smothers was on.

We did a thing where he was in the hospital and he was one of our brothers.

And the third was Alan Alda, so so far, -Eunice has three brothers.

-What are the other two's names?

Uh, Phillip--gee, you're really testing my memory.

Phillip, Jack--I forget what Alan's name was in the sketch, and then, Eunice also has one sister, who was played-- Ellen, played by Betty White.

And Betty's gonna be on again this season.

We hope we'll have a family for her to do also.

Any others?

Yes, sir?

-How long you been on TV?

-We've been on for 10 years.

(applause) Okay, don't go away, we'll be right back!

(applause) (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show.

(upbeat music) ♪ With Harvey Korman.

(applause) ♪ Vicki Lawrence.

♪ And Tim Conway.

♪ (applause) (mellow music) ♪ (handyman) All right, Mr. Tudball, that's all finished now.

All you have to do to get into your office is to press the little button underneath your secretary's desk.

(Mr. Tudball) All right, that's the lock then, all right.

All right.

(buzzing) (handyman) And that unlocks the door, see that?

-All right.

-Okay, that'll be all for now.

(Mr. Tudball) Hey, thank you very much, yes.

Why, all right.

Okay.

Yeah, "Lift Gate Security System."

Hm.

(chuckling) (sighing) Mrs. Wiggins?

Mrs. Wiggins?

(whistling) Hey, Victor.

This is your master's voice.

Mrs. Wiggins.

-Can you hear me?

-Hello?

-Mrs. Wiggins.

-Hello?

-Don't press that button-- -Hello?

Mrs. Wiggins, come in here right now, would you please?

Now?

That's right, now, and oh, the devil you know.

(laughing) (chuckling) What's the matter, Mrs. Wiggins?

The door is stuck!

(Mr. Tudball) It's not stuck--it's locked!

And it's gonna stay locked!

(Mrs. Wiggins) Okay.

(Mr. Tudball) Don't you want to know why it's locked from this side -like that?

-No.

(Mr. Tudball) See, Mrs. Wiggins, it's part of a new security system -that we got in here.

-Oh.

(Mr. Tudball) Now, I want you to learn how this works.

-'Kay.

-You just pay attention.

(Mrs. Wiggins) I am.

(Mr. Tudball) To me, and not to those cuticles.

Now, get over here now, and leave those fingernails there.

You know what I mean, now get over here right now, jiffy quick.

Wow, watch out for the sonic boom.

All right, so now-- Uh, this is how this is going to work here.

Now, this door is locked, and it's going to be locked all the time until you press that little buzzer there underneath your desk.

Now, I don't want anybody coming in here unless they have one of these badges on, then you open the door for 'em, so you just put, uh-- You will put that on when you have time.

And you keep that on at all times.

-Okay.

-Okay.

If you get to a gas station, you oughta check that left rear.

Now, you think you understand this, the way this works here?

-Sure.

-You understand that perfectly?

-Yeah.

-All right, uh-- say, would you go into my office for a minute?

(Mrs. Wiggins) It's stuck.

(Mr. Tudball) Why are you trying to go through a locked door?

-You told me to.

-If I told you to jump out the window, would you do that?

No.

(Mr. Tudball) That's too bad, I had some hope for that one.

I'm gonna show you how this works.

Now you press this buzzer here, that would open the door, and then you could go in my office.

Now, pay attention.

So, you press that buzzer, the door opens, and then they can go into my office.

Now, that is how it works, and that's a pretty simple thing for you to learn, so why don't-- (sighing) I don't mean to go in there now, ya dope, just to-- (buzzing) (sighing) (buzzing) (knocking) -Mrs. Wiggins!

-Yes?

(Mr. Tudball) I want you to come back into this office now.

-Now?

-That's right.

(Mrs. Wiggins) Okay.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Now, you think you understand how that works now?

-I guess so.

-All right.

Phew!

I think that Darwin fella had the right theory.

I'll bet your folks had some banana bill.

And now, look... Now, I don't want nobody going through that door unless they got one of those badges.

They don't have a badge, I don't want to see them.

-You got that?

-Yeah.

(Mr. Tudball) All right, so I'm going to pretend that I'm a salesman coming in here without a badge, and you don't let me in there.

-Hi.

-Hi.

I'm a Happy Sam's Encyclopedia man.

Can I go in to see Mr. Tudball?

(Mrs. Wiggins) Mr. Tudball's not in his office.

Well, I know that.

Well, why do you wanna see him if he's not in?

I don't want to see him, I just-- Well then, what are you doing here?

Ahh.

I don't--you--how you-- Let me try this again.

Now look, don't let me in unless I got the badge, all right?

Here we go again.

Hi, I'm a Happy Sam's Encyclopedia man.

I'm here to see Mr. Tudball.

Hi, Mr. Tudball.

Hi, Happy Sam, how are you doing?

Real good!

Can I come in and see you?

You're going to have to check with my secretary.

All right, I'll try and get by her right now, even though I don't have a badge.

Can I go in and see Mr. Tudball?

(Mrs. Wiggins) Sure.

(buzzing) Why do you press that buzzer like that?

(Mrs. Wiggins) So you could go in and see Mr. Tudball.

(Mr. Tudball) But I don't have a badge on!

(Mrs. Wiggins) But you said--Mr. Tudball said for you to come in.

(Mr. Tudball) He didn't--that was me-- I--you can't-- (Mrs. Wiggins) Well, I heard him say for you to come in.

I'm not even in there, that's my voice, you-- (sighing) This is like trying to teach the mermaid to do the splits.

Okay, now look, I'm gonna tell you one more time.

Watch my lips real good.

Now look, I don't want nobody, I mean nobody going into that door unless they got the badge on.

Now, that's so simple that a child can understand that.

You got that?

I got a headache, my head's going... (imitating headache throbbing) Yeah so, open that door.

Open the door!

Where's your badge?

(Mr. Tudball) Oh, my-- My badge is in on my desk.

(Mrs. Wiggins) I can't let ya in without a badge.

(Mr. Tudball) Let me in this door, then I can go get my badge and show you to my badge.

Come here.

Watch my lips.

I'm gonna say this to you so even a child will understand.

No badge, no office!

(mimicking headache noise) (Mr. Tudball) Hm, uh, could ya-- I'm not really-- Well, I tell you what, why don't you go out to the coffee machine and get me a cup of coffee then?

-Okay.

-I'll wait right here, don't you worry.

Yessiree Bob.

I'll get my badge.

Here's your coffee, Mr. Tudball.

Mr. Tudball?

Ooh.

"Dear, Mr. Tudball.

I'm going to do a little shopping and then go to lunch."

(thudding) (lively music) (applause) (somber music) ♪ (machine beeping) (Mr. Kramer) So, when are we gonna get this operation started?

(nurse) Well now, Mr. Kramer, you wouldn't want us to start without the doctor, would you?

You just lie back there and relax.

(Mr. Kramer) Okay.

(applause) (doctor) But I want you to know that I don't approve of this, but since the head of the hospital-- (filmmaker) The thing is, Doctor, to show it the way it is.

A simple, honest documentary.

Now, you believe me, you won't even know I'm here.

-All right, so let's-- -Hello, Mr. Kramer.

How are you?

We're just going to give you a local anesthetic, because it's not a very serious operation.

(Mr. Kramer) So, uh, just a minute, who's this guy?

I didn't invite anybody here, what is that?

(doctor) Don't you pay any attention to him-- you won't even know he's here.

Would you mind stepping back a little?

We've got an operation underway.

Syringe.

(nurse) Syringe.

(filmmaker) We are going to have to do something about that light.

(doctor) What's wrong with the light?

Can't you see the patient?

(filmmaker) Well, I can see the patient just fine, but I'm not picking up her eyes.

(doctor) Maybe you want her pretty little nose, you want that, too?

-Oh, well sure.

-Now, just a minute!

I am supposed to be doing a serious operation on this man.

(Mr. Kramer) Just a minute, you didn't tell me it was serious-- (doctor) Don't worry about it.

(filmmaker) I'm sorry to keep interrupting, Doctor, but when I show this documentary to the network, I want it to be something special.

(doctor) Network?

You mean this is going coast to coast?

(filmmaker) Absolutely, the network's putting this on opposite Mary Hartman.

They're fighting nuts with guts.

(doctor) I see, well, I just thought this was all just a local television station.

-No.

-Oh, well in that case, well, don't just stand there, you heard the man, move the light!

Oh, my goodness, man!

Um, I'll have to think about my national reputation here.

Yes, after all, I am (unintelligible).

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

(doctor) Roll it!

(filmmaker) Mr. Kramer.

(doctor) Do you wanna turn over on your side?

Mr. Kramer, would you mind taking bigger breaths?

That way, the bag will go in and out faster.

Be more dramatic.

Ah, good!

Good.

Now, hold your breath.

Ohh, that'll give the audience something to worry about.

(doctor) I need a scalpel.

-Ready for the incision.

-Scalpel.

-Excuse me.

-Yes?

-Thank you.

-Well, what are you doing?

Now, everybody-- are you ready, Mr. Kramer?

-Yeah.

-Here we go.

(air hissing, balloon popping) Can you check that?

(Mr. Kramer) Ohhh, look, why don't I come around -when you guys aren't so busy-- -It's all right, Mr. Kramer.

We are ready, yeah?

Are you ready?

Are you rolling?

Ah, well, we are going in now.

-Mr. Kramer.

-Huh?

Would you mind moving a little bit to your left?

That way I'll be able to get your incision and her terrific figure in the same shot.

-Oh, but I-- -All right.

-Ahh!

-A little bit more--okay.

-A little bit more!

-Ahh!

All right!

(filmmaker) Little bit more!

(nurse) That's as far as I can go.

(panting) (Mr. Kramer) Sorry, ohhh!

(filmmaker) Good.

(doctor) Are you all right, Mr. Kramer?

Are you ready now?

Are you ready?

You'll do, "Action!"

and everything?

-All right, yeah-- -Hold it!

-What's wrong now?

-I am not getting what I want!

I mean, it needs more suspense, it isn't playing right.

Perhaps some medical complication?

How about if I drop a sponge in?

(doctor) I drop the sponge!

I am the doctor here!

(Mr. Kramer) Wait, hold it.

Ohh, over my dead body!

I'm not having any sponge in here-- (filmmaker) Terrific!

That's it!

What a finish.

-Here, you hold this.

-What?

-What are you doing?

-There.

There we go.

-Ahh!

-Ah, that is a good finish!

-All right, are you ready now?

-Action!

(doctor) Are you rolling?

All right.

-Ahh.

-Yeah, go on now, get this here.

-Ooh!

-All right, now we are going in -for this-- -Oh, that's beautiful.

-You think?

-Oh, that expression of mortal terror in your eyes.

(doctor) You're filming this?

(filmmaker) Oh, don't lose that.

Uh-oh, he's lost it--cut!

-I am, I am!

-Not you!

-What is it now?

-It's not playing right.

(doctor) Well, I--I'm doing my best here-- (filmmaker) Oh, no, no, it's the angle, it's the angle.

-Are you ready now?

-Yes.

(doctor) Lights, camera, action.

All right, we are going in for those gallstones now.

-Hold it.

-What's it now?

-What's the matter?

-Gallstones?

(doctor) Yes, they're very bad, they must come out.

(filmmaker) But I did a gallstone operation last month!

-Ahh!

-You mean to say that we are not going on the TV?

(filmmaker) Well, I can't have one gallstone following another gallstone!

(doctor) Well, there is another operation we could do, one that you haven't done before!

(Mr. Kramer) Hold it, wait a minute, what do you mean another one?

-Who asked you?

-Butt out, Mr. Kramer!

(filmmaker) Well, there is one operation we could do.

It would make a terrific show.

-Yes, yes, yes, yes?

-Oh, but I think -it's too complicated.

-Complicated with these hands?

Try me, try me!

Yes?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, very interesting.

Very interesting.

Mr. Kramer.

Your first name is Harry, isn't it?

-That's right, yeah.

-Have you ever thought about changing it to Harriet?

(applause and cheering) (upbeat music) (mellow music) ♪ ♪ She came in one night from Omaha ♪ ♪ Worn out, 'cause she never could sleep on trains ♪ ♪ ♪ Took a bus to Hollywood ♪ ♪ Looking for a room in the pouring rain ♪ ♪ ♪ Her hair so blonde, her eyes so brown ♪ ♪ She thought she'd take this town ♪ ♪ And turn it upside down ♪ ♪ ♪ I was living in a hotel just off Sunset ♪ ♪ She moved in across the hall ♪ ♪ ♪ She said she'd be a movie star ♪ ♪ She's waited every morning for the call ♪ ♪ ♪ I'd ask her in for coffee, but she hardly had the time ♪ ♪ Her call might come tomorrow and she had to know her lines ♪ ♪ Hollywood Seven, rooms to rent ♪ ♪ Till your name goes up in lights ♪ ♪ ♪ Hollywood Seven, you can dream your dreams ♪ ♪ For seven bucks a night ♪ ♪ ♪ The months went by without a job ♪ ♪ The money that she'd saved was nearly spent ♪ ♪ ♪ She started bringing strangers home ♪ ♪ Had to find a way to pay the rent ♪ ♪ ♪ Staring at the ceiling while she'd give herself away ♪ ♪ Just busy rehearsing in her mind ♪ ♪ The scenes she'd never play ♪ ♪ Hollywood Seven, rooms to rent ♪ ♪ Till your name goes up in lights ♪ ♪ ♪ Hollywood Seven, you can dream your dreams ♪ ♪ For seven bucks a night ♪ ♪ ♪ I found her there one morning ♪ ♪ When she didn't come for coffee when I called ♪ ♪ ♪ She brought the wrong one home this time ♪ ♪ There were crazy lipstick scrawls across the wall ♪ ♪ ♪ Now she's going back to Omaha ♪ ♪ But not the way she planned ♪ ♪ There'll be no crowd to cheer her on ♪ ♪ No welcome home, no band ♪ ♪ Hollywood Seven, rooms to rent ♪ ♪ Till your name goes up in lights ♪ ♪ ♪ Hollywood Seven, you can dream your dreams ♪ ♪ For seven bucks a night ♪ ♪ ♪ She came in one night from Syracuse ♪ ♪ Excited from her first time on plane ♪ ♪ ♪ Took a cab to Hollywood ♪ ♪ Dreaming of the lights that would spell her name ♪ ♪ (applause) (lively theme music) (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ ♪ And now, back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ (triumphant music) ♪ -Floor?

-Uh, 48.

(elevator humming) Cedric?

(Colin) Colin.

(Victoria) Colin!

Valerie?

(Victoria) Victoria.

(Colin) Victoria!

-Finchley Secondary School.

-Finchley Secondary School.

(laughing) No.

-Yes.

-No.

(Colin) Oh.

(Victoria) Rabbit Rensford.

-With the-- -Braces.

-Miraculous.

-Thank you.

Rugby?

-Choir.

-Choir.

-Orchestra?

-Rugby.

-Rugby?

-Cheerleader!

Yes.

-Hm.

-What?

(Colin) Of course.

(Victoria) What?

Mhm.

Colin.

(Colin) Us.

Us?

-Remember?

-What?

(Colin) Us!

No.

Yes.

(Victoria) Never.

-Did.

-Didn't.

-Did.

-Didn't.

(Colin) Did!

Did?

Did.

Didn't.

(Colin) Picnic.

(Victoria) Picnic?

(Colin) Oak tree.

Oak tree?

-Lovey Duck.

-Lovey Duck?

-Easy!

-Easy?

(Colin) Hey!

-Wretch!

-Why?

-Promises!

-Sorry.

(Victoria) Sorry?

(Colin) Young.

-True.

-Impetuous.

-Impulsive.

-Reckless.

(Victoria) Adventurous.

-Young.

-Young.

-Married?

-Yes.

You?

Quite.

(Victoria) Children?

Quite.

-You?

-Four.

(Colin) Victoria.

-Cedric.

-Colin.

(Victoria) Colin.

(Colin) Picnic?

Picnic?

(Colin) Us.

-When?

-Saturday.

(Victoria) Sa--oh, pediatrician!

(Colin) Shame.

-Wednesday?

-Birthday.

-Congratulations.

-Son's.

(Victoria) Nice.

-Thursday?

-In-laws.

-Drat!

-Oh.

(door rattling) Uhh.

(Colin) Saturday!

(Victoria) Pediatrician!

(Colin) Forgot.

(Victoria) Oh.

Well.

Sometime.

Perhaps.

-Pity.

-Pity.

(laughing) (applause) (energetic music) (mellow music) ♪ Oh.

Ahh.

Oh.

Nobody in the whole history of the human race ever felt like this.

(Carol) You wanna bet?

(groaning) -Oh, no, no, no--shh.

-Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Here, why don't you take this?

I think you need it more than I do.

-Thank you, sweetheart.

-Oh.

(Harry) Ah, I think maybe I'll sit up.

Maybe the pain will go down to my feet.

(Carol) What a mess.

I sure hope we had a good time last night.

(groaning) (Harry) Sweetheart, you don't have to do everything.

Here, let me give you some... help!

(groaning) (Harry) Hi, honey.

Hi.

(Harry) Sweetheart, do you-- do you remember who all was here last night?

(Carol) Well, I remember who we invited, but don't ask me if they all showed up.

-Why?

-Huh?

Why, something on your mind?

(Harry) No, no, no, nothing on my mind.

Just, you know, in case I get a thank you call or something.

(Carol) Well, if anybody calls, all you have to do is pretend to remember and just say, "Oh, you're welcome, it was nice having you."

I wish you hadn't put it that way.

(Carol) Oh, I don't know how I'm ever gonna get all this cleaned up.

Oh.

-Sweetheart?

-Huh?

(Harry) Put those glasses down, we've got to have a little talk.

(Carol) Well, can--can't we talk while I'm cleaning up?

(Harry) No, I think you're gonna wanna have your hands free to strangle me.

-What's the matter?

-Sweetheart.

-Yeah?

-Sweetheart.

-What?

-Something happened last night that's never happened before.

How would ya know?

I know, I know--trust me.

No, no, don't trust me, never trust me again!

Sweetheart, what are you talking about?

(Harry) Don't stop me, let me say it all while I have the courage.

Darling, last night when I was very drunk, I don't know exactly when or how, but something happened, something awful.

-Well, what?

-There was this person, this female person.

A woman?

Thanks for not making me say it.

(Carol) Are you trying to tell me that this woman that you-- that, uh-- that you and this, uh-- I--I don't wanna hear it.

-You don't wanna hear it?

-No, darling, I want you to know that whatever happened, I consider it an accident.

(Harry) But darling, I wanna tell you all about it.

(Carol) Listen, I am mature enough to understand.

You see, you wanna tell me about it.

But I don't want you to tell me about it.

If you didn't wanna tell me about it, I would want you to tell me about it.

But you do, so don't.

(Harry) Darling, you don't understand, I wanna cleanse my soul!

(Carol) Oh, darling.

Would it help you to tell me?

Is that what you're trying to say?

(Harry) Yes, it would help me.

(Carol) All right, all right, confess it all.

Every sordid little detail.

-Everything?

-Yes.

The main thing is I want your conscience to be clear, because I love you.

(Harry) Oh, my God, I'm married to a saint!

(Carol) Was she--was she pretty?

(Harry) Well, not that pretty.

(Carol) No?

Well, I suppose she had a terrific figure, huh?

(Harry) Oh, no, not that good.

-In fact, she was kind of a dog.

-A dog?

(Harry) Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I realize what an unpleasant experience it was.

It was awful, I mean, she was obviously man-crazy.

You know, a street type, a tramp, no dignity.

-A tramp?

-She threw herself at me -like a bag of laundry!

-Oh, you poor darling!

(Harry) The more I think about it, the more I realize -it was sheer agony.

-Oh.

(Harry) I mean, it was the most unpleasant experience I've ever--I can still smell the cheap perfume -that she had on.

-Oh, honey!

(Harry) Darling, I just felt obligated to her, you know, 'cause I was the host, and she was so yucky, and I just felt, you know, I had-- -I know.

-You understand?

(Carol) Of course I understand, and I love you.

(Harry) I love you, oh, darling, I feel so much better.

Honey, I promise you, it'll never happen again.

-I know.

-It was horrible.

(Carol) Oh, that must be Mitzi, she's--come in!

-Oh, hi, Mitz.

-Hi, Mitz.

-Hi, guys, how you feeling?

-Eh.

(Mitzi) Yeah, I just thought maybe I'd come over and help you clean up.

-Boy, what a brawl.

-Yeah.

(Carol) Honey, why don't you go into the kitchen?

I just made a pot of fresh coffee.

I think it'll do you some good.

(Harry) Thank you, my darling, may I tell you -that you are too much?

-I know.

Darling, the kitchen's that way.

(Harry) Oh.

Goodbye, Mitz.

I mean, hi, Mitz.

Goodbye, Mitz.

(Carol) Come here, Mitzi, uh, were you sober enough to remember everything -that happened last night?

-Unfortunately, yes.

(Carol) Ah, well, you see, uh-- you know I got pretty bombed last night, and I don't--I don't-- but all morning, I have had this strange, nagging feeling that I might've done something out of line, and, well, you're the only one I can ask.

Mitzi, did you notice last night, did I disappear from the party for any length of time?

(Mitzi) Well, for at least a full hour.

(Carol) Oh, God!

(Mitzi) I mean, it was really bizarre.

-Ohh-- -And a big Romeo swept you up in his arms, and carried you off into the den shouting, "Me Tarzan."

-Oh!

-And then, you came back with a brilliant "Me Jane."

-Ohh!

-Well, none of us could believe our eyes.

It was just like the two of you weren't married.

You mean it was-- it was Harry and I-- we went--we-- we were the ones who disapp-- together?

(laughing) All morning I've been thinking that I'd done something wrong, and then--poor Harry.

He's been telling me that-- that he--a dog?

(laughing) (lively music) (applause) (upbeat music) ♪ (in unison) ♪ I love the movies, we all love the movies ♪ ♪ Hooray for the movies, they're a groove ♪ ♪ I love the movies, we all love the movies ♪ ♪ But we love the movies that move ♪ ♪ In the movies today the words get in the way ♪ ♪ They talk, talk, talk, talk, talk ♪ ♪ But the clowns of yesterday ♪ ♪ Said all there is to say ♪ ♪ With a tumble ♪ (Roddy) ♪ A stumble ♪ (Harvey) ♪ A take ♪ (Roddy) ♪ Wink ♪ (Carol) ♪ Or a walk ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, don't you wish ♪ ♪ You'd been around ♪ ♪ When they said it all without a word ♪ ♪ Without a sound ♪ (Roddy) ♪ The great things they could do ♪ ♪ With just a prop or two ♪ (Harvey) ♪ A Keystone Cop or two ♪ (Roddy) ♪ A damsel in distress ♪ (Carol) ♪ Oh, yes, they were inspired ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Insane ♪ (Roddy) ♪ Absurd ♪ (in unison) ♪ And they said it all without a sound ♪ ♪ Without a word ♪ ♪ And in each simple situation ♪ ♪ They'd find something new ♪ ♪ Some crazy comic complication ♪ ♪ Some new shtick to do ♪ ♪ Then they'd extend it and bend it ♪ ♪ And, oh, how it grew ♪ (in unison) ♪ And soon the cops were copping ♪ ♪ And cars were stalling ♪ ♪ Doors were slamming and pants were falling ♪ ♪ Knees were knocking and hats were bowling ♪ ♪ Boats were rocking and slips were showing ♪ ♪ Eyes were popping and kids were crying ♪ ♪ Trains were stopping and pies were flying ♪ (men) ♪ Look out, here comes a pie in the face ♪ ♪ (in unison) ♪ Then ultimately, obviously ♪ ♪ Inevitably ♪ ♪ The chase ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, yes, we wish we'd been around ♪ ♪ When they said it all ♪ ♪ ♪ Without a word ♪ ♪ ♪ Without a sound ♪ (energetic music) ♪ (mellow music) ♪ (squeaking) ♪ (clattering) ♪ (clanking) ♪ (thudding) ♪ (honking) ♪ (blowing whistle) ♪ (energetic music) ♪ (in unison) ♪ Oh, yes ♪ ♪ The fun, the laughs ♪ ♪ Live on ♪ ♪ Even though the clowns, the silent clowns ♪ ♪ Are gone ♪ ♪ And how we wish ♪ ♪ We'd been around ♪ ♪ When they said it all ♪ ♪ ♪ Without a word ♪ ♪ (applause) Hey.

Be sure to be with us next week when our guest will be Dinah Shore.

Thank you.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just got started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Good night.

(lively theme music) (applause) ♪ (announcer) "Hollywood Seven" was previously recorded.

The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

This is your announcer speaking.

♪