(theme music) ♪ (applause) ♪ (applause continues) Thank you!

Welcome to our show.

Tonight, we have, along with Peter Matz and our terrific orchestra, Harvey Korman, Vicki Lawrence, Tim Conway, and our special guest is the wonderful Mr. Ken Berry.

Woo!

Let's turn up the lights.

-How are you?

-Good.

-Yes.

-Not that particular suit, but all your gowns have pockets in it.

-Why is that?

-All my gowns have pockets.

You do notice.

'Cause I never know what to do with my hands, and I'm always much more comfortable.

When I ask Bob Mackie, who designs the clothes, I say, "Would you give me some pockets?"

You know, 'cause I don't know... Because it's difficult.

You know, you got these appendages.

So, sometimes, I just stand here and talk like that.

-Yes.

-In all the years that you've played things on television and movies and plays, which character do you think portrays you the best?

(Carol) Which character portrays me the best of all the people I've done on the show and everything?

I think Raquel Welch, when I did her... ...was the one, yes.

-Mm-hm.

-What would you do, what would be your career if you were not America's favorite comedian?

If--oh, if I hadn't chosen this career you mean?

I don't know.

I've been asked that.

I think maybe a schoolteacher.

Uh-huh.

College boys.

Okay, we've got a big show for you, so don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show.

(applause) ♪ With Harvey Korman... (applause) ♪ ...Vicki Lawrence... (applause) ♪ ...and Tim Conway.

(applause) ♪ (thudding) ♪ (applause) (soft music) ♪ Uh, say, can you tell me where the post office is?

(clears throat) (applause) (applause) (oldest man) You go down Pico.

Turn right three blocks.

Right down there, at the end there by a barber shop called Scissors "R" Us.

What was that?

(oldest man) You go down Pico... (customer) I--I heard what you said.

I just don't know what you're talking about.

(oldest man) Well, why'd you ask me?

(customer) I didn't a--oh, just forget it.

I'd like a hot dog and a chocolate shake, please.

(oldest man) Right.

The number one.

Write that down.

(customer) What do you mean write?

You mean you can't remember a simple order like that?

Like what?

(customer) A hot dog and a chocolate shake.

Sure.

I got a mind like a steel trap.

I get her in there, locked in there.

Take a stick of dynamite to blow it out of there.

(customer) That's good, that's good.

-What'll it be?

-Oh.

Give me that, for heaven sakes.

I'll write the order out myself.

All right, there it is.

Would you please hurry up?

I only have an hour for lunch.

-What's this?

-That's the order!

That's... -Right.

-Will you hurry it up?

Okay.

What's a hot dag?

(customer) That's not "dag," that's "dog."

That's an "O," hot dog.

And a chocolate shake, all right?

Right.

(customer) Gee, don't make me lose my temper.

Dag to me.

Right, I'll just finish writing up this order for you.

(customer) What?

-What do you have to... -A hot dog.

What do you want on that hot dag?

(audience laughing) -I want it just plain.

-Plain?

-Plain.

-Right.

Want a bun?

(customer) Of course I want a bun.

What's a hot dog without a bun?

A lonely weenie.

(audience laughing) You just want to get that order started.

No kidding, I've only got a short time for lunch and I like to eat it leisurely.

I don't like to gobble it down, you know what I mean?

Let's get with it.

(oldest man) Nice order of fries would go good with it.

(customer) Fine, give me the-- give me some fries.

(oldest man) Fries here.

(sizzling) (customer) Well, what about the rest of the order?

What order?

(customer) A hot dog and a chocolate shake!

I don't believe this.

-Number one.

-Number one!

Don't make me lose my temper, pops!

-I'll get that.

-All right.

What are you doing?

(oldest man) Put a rush on this.

(audience laughing) (customer) All squared away?

(oldest man) Here's your number.

When that's up, I'll call ya.

-Just turn this in.

-What?

What do you mean turn it... -Get the chef.

-Huh?

(audience laughing) Ordering!

(audience laughing) And a hot dag and a milk... ...shack.

(customer) That's shake!

Milkshake!

Chocolate milkshake and a hot dog!

(oldest man) Right.

It's says "shack."

-It's a shake and it's a dog!

-Right.

-Now come on!

-Get that for you.

(customer) I never saw a place like this in my life.

(oldest man) Well, it's the only one on the block.

(audience laughing) Must have the vapors.

(audience laughing) Ah!

(clanging) (audience laughing) You eat 12 of these?

(audience laughing) (customer) I don't want 12!

-I just want one!

-All right, just a minute.

(grinding) (audience laughing) You put 11 hot dogs down that disposal just to get one?

(oldest man) I know that, right.

(customer) Oh, for heaven sakes, now come on.

-Get it up, will ya?

-All right, all right.

Here it is.

Hold on to that.

What are you doing?

-Huh?

-What are you doing?

(oldest man) Serve up your fries here.

(customer) But you just put your hand in a boiling pot of grease.

(oldest man) Ahh!

(audience laughing) (customer) This is crazy!

I don't believe this is happening.

(oldest man) All right, just hold on, I'll get your bun for you.

-All right, will you hurry?

-Right.

It's crowded in here.

Some here.

Get that for you.

(audience laughing) I got it.

(shouting) Here.

(customer) All right, just give me that, will ya?

I never saw a place like this in my whole life.

Look, look what you did to that one.

It looks like a record.

I never saw a place like this in my whole life.

It's a wonder to me you don't go bankrupt.

How can you run a bus-- business like this?

-Easy for you to say.

-Yeah, I know.

This is terrible!

What is this?

(oldest man) Oh, no wonder.

You're eating an Oscar Muriel.

(customer) Well, nice going, pops!

-Give me some water.

-Right.

(customer) Hurry!

-Ordering... -Oh, forget it!

Just give me my chocolate shack--shake.

-All right.

-Goodness.

-Chocolate.

-Chocolate shake.

-All right.

-Come on.

(oldest man) You want chocolate or vanilla ice cream?

-Vanilla.

-Vanilla, right.

(audience laughing) (audience laughing) Want plain milk or raw?

Plain.

(oldest man) I have to go downstairs to get that.

What now?

-Here.

-Ah.

Okay.

Milk, right, okay.

Now we're getting someplace.

Regular chocolate or bittersweet?

-Regular.

-Regular.

(customer) Regular!

(oldest man) Want that thick or thin?

Thick.

(audience laughing) (audience laughing) (oldest man) Thick enough.

(whirring) (customer) Ah.

(whirring continues) (audience laughing) (customer) Ah.

(oldest man) What did you say?

-I said, "Ah."

-Ah.

(customer) I can't wait to get... (whirring) (whirring stopping) -Got it all shook up.

-Ah, good.

Ah, can't wait to get to that.

-There you go.

-Oh.

Now why couldn't you have been this efficient with the hot dog?

I tried, I tried.

(customer) That's awful!

(oldest man) Oh, probably needs some more ice cream in there.

Just a minute, I'll get that for you.

Probably didn't put enough in there.

(customer) Wait a minute.

This isn't ice cream, that's mashed potatoes.

(audience laughing) I'll have to charge you for the blue plate special then.

(shouting) (horn music) (applause) (funky music) (Carol) Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ken Berry.

(applause) ♪ -To the champ.

-Hey!

Speech!

Come on!

Speech, speech!

(soft music) ♪ (Ken) ♪ I never was a courtin' kind of boy ♪ (indistinct chatter) ♪ Them flirtin' games ain't nothin' I enjoy ♪ ♪ I hate a girl to give me goo-goo eyes ♪ ♪ If she turned her back, I could sneak attack ♪ ♪ So I'd get her by surprise ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ ♪ 'Cause I like love stolen from the cookie jar ♪ ♪ I like love stolen on the sly ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ I just love snitching what ain't meant for me ♪ ♪ Oh, the more forbid ♪ ♪ The sweeter tastes the pie ♪ ♪ ♪ A lot of girls are willing to be had ♪ ♪ ♪ The more I see, the more it makes me mad ♪ ♪ ♪ You grab 'em good ♪ ♪ It doesn't phase 'em none ♪ ♪ Well, they may be cool by the modern rule, but they're killing all the fun ♪ ♪ 'Cause I like love stolen from the cookie jar ♪ ♪ I like love stolen on the sly ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ I just love snitchin' what ain't meant for me ♪ ♪ Oh, the more forbid ♪ ♪ The sweeter tastes the pie ♪ ♪ (screaming) ♪ (whistling) ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ (quacking) ♪ ♪ 'Cause I like love stolen from the cookie jar ♪ ♪ ♪ The more it's prized ♪ ♪ ♪ The more it's watched ♪ ♪ ♪ The more it's hid ♪ ♪ The more forbid ♪ ♪ The sweeter tastes the pie ♪♪ ♪ (shouting) (applause) I guess most of you know that I just love old movies.

I'm a real movie buff.

And, tonight, we're going to salute one of my favorites.

It's a movie that was made by Warner Brothers way back in 1945, and it starred the wonderful Joan Crawford.

And, so, we thought tonight we would do our presentation of Mildred Fierce.

(dramatic music) ♪ (gunshots) ♪ Ow!

(gunshot) ♪ (groaning) ♪ Mildred... ♪ (melancholy music) ♪ (Mildred) Excuse me.

I'd like to confess to a murder.

(policeman) Wait your turn over there, please.

(Mildred) Sorry.

(policeman) I'm very sorry.

Would you please describe your missing parakeet, ma'am?

(female speaker) Yes, it was a little green one, that big.

(Lieutenant Carstairs) Uh, pardon me, ma'am.

I couldn't help overhearing you.

My name is Lieutenant Carstairs.

If you'd like to step over to the express desk, I can take your confession now.

Thank you.

Oh.

It's a good recipe.

(Lieutenant Carstairs) Over here.

-Pardon me.

-Excuse me.

Hope you find your parakeet.

(Lieutenant Carstairs) All right now.

Who did you kill, where, and how?

-My husband, Monte Slick.

-Slick.

-His beach house.

-House.

-And like this.

-Like this... Don't do that, ma'am.

Please leave the gun there now.

All right, now, let's take it from the beginning.

-The very beginning?

-Right.

-The very beginning?

-Right.

(Mildred) All right.

I was born in a little town in the Midwest.

I'll never forget my first day of kindergarten when I skipped into the kitchen, and I said to my mother, "Mother, must I-- must I wear these shabby shoes?"

-She said, "Mildred..." -Excuse me.

-That's my name.

-I understand that.

Pardon me.

I didn't mean quite at the beginning.

Could we just take it from where you pull the trigger?

(Mildred) But you'll miss all the best parts of my childhood.

My kindergarten teacher, Miss Zimmerman, and the way all the other kids used to tease me when I'd wear the shabby shoes.

-"Na-na-na-na-na, Mildred."

-Fine, fine.

I'll try to live without that, if you don't mind.

-All right now.

-All right, then why don't we compromise?

I'll--I'll start back four years ago.

(Lieutenant Carstairs) Four years ago, ah.

All right.

Four.

-Are you ready?

-Go ahead.

(Mildred) I was eking out a small but meager living.

(Lieutenant Carstairs) Eking.

(audience laughing) That's right.

Baking blueberry pies for the neighbors that I would sell from door to door.

(Lieutenant Carstairs) All right.

My first husband had just walked out on me, and I was wondering how to break the news to my precious daughter, Veda.

The apple of my eye.

The light of my life.

The salt in my stew.

Cream in my coffee.

My reason for living.

(door opening) I'm in the kitchen, Veda, darling.

(Veda) Must you bellow your whereabouts to the entire neighborhood?

(Mildred) Mommy's sorry, dear.

I didn't think I was bellowing.

It's just that I'm very upset, Veda.

Your--your daddy just walked out on us for good.

(Veda) What you're trying to tell me is that our meal ticket has taken a cab?

Yes, darling, but don't worry about it.

The thing was that your daddy said that I should stop spoiling you and, well, I just told him, "Never."

(Veda) Good thinking.

(Mildred) But it's going to be fine, sweetheart, because I wove ou.

Does ou wove me?

(Veda) Wove ou?

What's to wove about ou?

What have ou ever done for me besides get blueberry stains all over my blouse?

(Mildred) Sweetheart, don't you worry.

Veda, I'm going to lay the world in your lap.

(Veda) How's a no-talent klutz like you ever gonna make any money?

(Mildred) Don't worry, sweetheart.

Mommy will go out and, well, she'll get a job.

(Veda) Something dignified, I hope.

Not a waitress.

I'd never be able to hold my head up.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

It will be dignified, I promise.

You better get the lead out because I'm not getting any younger.

She's such a treasure.

(somber music) ♪ It took three years, but I finally made it.

I was working.

I was making money.

Veda was going to the right school, meeting the right people, but most important, the relationship with my baby had blossomed into a thing of beauty.

Veda, darling... Mommy's home.

Thrillsville.

(Mildred) Wait, sweetheart.

Wait, precious.

Wait till you see what I bought you.

(Veda) Yuck.

I suppose you think that rag makes up for humiliating me in front of my entire class today.

(Mildred) Humiliating you?

Veda, I don't know what you're talking about.

(Veda) There we were on one of those tedious field trips when I saw the sign by the side of the road.

(Mildred) Sign?

What sign?

(audience laughing) -This sign.

-Oh, Veda, I was hoping that you'd never find out.

(Veda) Not only are you a waitress, but you've got this hideous picture of yourself to prove it.

Gee, I don't know, I think it's kind of swell.

I think he did a good job.

Took out the bags and everything from under my eyes.

(Veda) I'll never be able to face my friends.

(Mildred) Oh, Veda, baby doll, let me explain.

It's just that... Well, my baby needed so many things, and I wanted to get them for you, darling, and so, yes, yes, I was.

I was forced to take a job as-- as a waitress.

And, Veda, I figured out if I could save all my tips, I could buy a restaurant of my own.

And so I did.

And now, Veda, I own the whole chain.

I am Mildred's Fatburgers.

(Veda) How vile.

(Mildred) Don't worry about it.

Soon, it'll all be over.

I'll have paid off the mortgage, and then we can spend the rest of our lives together just snuggling.

(Veda) Ugh, ick, phooey, yuck, blegh, blah, blegh, phooey!

You want me to snuggle with hamburger fat and bacon grease?

No way.

I belong in a mansion or a--or a beach house.

I'm not hanging around this dump any longer.

(Mildred) Veda, wait.

How will you live?

(Veda) Don't worry.

I'll find a way.

(Mildred) Veda, don't, don't!

Don't leave me, my darling.

-Don't!

I'm your mother.

-Keep your hands off me, you sleazy, greasy person!

(audience laughing) I know a little girl who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Veda!

Forgive me, come back.

(intense music) -Veda?

-Mildred Pierce?

-Yes.

-I'm Monte Slick.

I understand you want to buy one of my buildings.

(Mildred) Oh, yes, that was when I wanted to open another restaurant, but I guess it doesn't matter now.

(Monte) What you need is some sea air.

Why don't you come out to my beach house and I'll show you the ocean?

(Mildred) I've seen the ocean, chum.

(Monte) Not my hunk of it.

Don't fight your natural impulses.

(Mildred) Why don't you just crawl back under your rock?

(Monte) Ooh, I like coyness.

It puts spice into the game.

(Mildred) Would you just leave my house, please?

(Veda) Honestly, mother, these are only twenties.

Oh, hi, sir.

(Monte) Well, hello.

Don't tell me this enchanting child is yours, Mrs.

Fierce.

(Mildred) Yes, she is enchanting, isn't she?

This is my daughter, Veda.

Veda, this is Mr. Slick, Monte Slick.

(Veda) The Monte Slick?

The irresponsible, lecherous playboy and owner of the Slick Mansion?

(Monte) In the glorious flesh.

Well, let's stop playing games.

How 'bout that little jaunt to my beach house?

(Mildred) Do you think I'm the kind of a woman who would ever do-- (Veda) Would you excuse us for just one moment, please?

(Monte) Surely.

(Veda) Mommy, you want your wittle baby Veda with you forever, -don't you?

-Of course I do.

You know that, my darling.

(Veda) Well, this is your big chance, dimwit.

I don't understand.

(Veda) This is your chance to get your wittle Veda a mansion, and a beach house, and furs, and jewels, and a new daddy.

-You mean... -That's right.

Marry this joker quick before he gets a real good look at ya.

Without loving him, Veda?

I mean, is that forthright?

(Veda) Mother, forthright does not buy Ferraris.

Now if you can't do me just one little favor, -then just forget it.

-No, darling.

I'll...

I'll try.

(audience laughing) I've been thinking it over.

I'd...

I'd be a fool to turn down such a charming invitation.

(Monte) Mm, I knew there was a woman in you someplace.

(Mildred) Just a minute.

I play for keeps.

-Marriage?

-Yes.

(Monte) One of those decent dames, huh?

(laughing) (Mildred) You make decent sound indecent.

(Monte) And I can also make indecent pretty decent.

Well, enough of this chitchat.

Let's get down to the case.

You're saying then that no marriage, no beach house?

(Mildred) That's right.

No hanky, no panky.

(Monte) No contract, no contact?

(Mildred) No ring, no ring-a-ding-ding.

(Monte) All right, let's see your legs.

(Mildred) I beg your pardon.

Veda.

(Monte) Very nice gams, but I'm sorry, marriage is not for Monte Slick.

(Veda) Oh, and I don't blame you, Mr. Slick.

Why, you'd be taking on a wife and a daughter in the flower of her youth, both living there in the same mansion with you.

(Monte) On the other hand, marriage might make a nice change of pace.

Darling... (audience laughing) (dramatic music) ♪ (applause) (theme music) (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ ♪ And, now, back with the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(dramatic music) ♪ (Lieutenant Carstairs) All right, now let's see what we've got here.

You got your town in the Midwest, you got your shabby shoes, you got your blueberry pies, got your first husband taking a cab, got your fatburgers, and then you got your second husband and your mansion.

Seems like you had it going pretty good there.

Why did you ever shoot your second husband?

I, uh...

I found out he was being unfaithful.

Unfaithful, is it?

You shot him for being unfaithful?

-Yes.

-That's like shooting a bear for catching a salmon... ...a cow for giving milk, compass for pointing north, dog for going: (barking) A fish for going... (audience laughing) A dead battery for going: (imitating whirring) (Mildred) All right, all right!

The point is I killed him.

Don't you understand?

I killed him!

I shot him!

I killed him!

(sobbing) (Lieutenant Carstairs) Do I look like some kind of a nudnik to ya?

You're sitting there feeding me all this blarney.

We caught the real killer.

All right, here's the real killer.

(audience laughing) (intense music) ♪ (Mildred) Veda... Veda, I'm sorry.

(Veda) Thanks a lot, big mouth.

Can't count on you for anything.

All I've ever asked you in my entire life is to cover up one lousy, little murder.

-I did my best, sweetheart.

-All right now.

All right now, girls, let's take it from the beginning.

(Mildred) All right.

I was born in a little town in the Midwest.

-Ugh.

-I'll never forget the first day of kindergarten.

(dramatic music) ♪ I'd been hostessing all day at my Fatburger Number 47 and, well, frankly, my dogs were killing me.

So, tonight, I decided to come home a little early.

(sighing) (gasping) (intense music) Veda, Monte.

(Monte) Oh, uh, Mildred, darling.

(Veda) Uh, I'm going to the prom tonight, Mother, and Stepdaddy was just giving me a little goodbye peck.

(Monte) Yes, that's it, that sounds plausible.

-Oh, that's nice.

-Oh, I don't care.

She may as well know.

I love Monte, and Monte loves me.

-He can't stand you.

-Yes, Mildred, I'm sick of you and the smell of Crisco.

(Mildred) I'll wear perfume, only don't, don't take my innocent little baby away from me, Monte.

(Veda) He's going to divorce you and marry me, and we're gonna get as far away from you as we possibly can.

(Mildred) All right.

All right.

I don't need a brick to fall on my head.

(audience laughing) (Monte) I never said I'd marry you, you promiscuous little snit.

(Veda) But, Monte, I thought that... (Monte) No!

You think I'm crazy to have to marry an empty-headed little baggage like you.

You must be out of your mind.

(laughing) (groaning) Perhaps I put that a little strongly.

Veda, they'll give you the chair for this.

You'll be very annoyed with yourself in the morning if you do this.

(gunshots) ♪ Mildred... ♪ (Mildred) Veda?

Veda, my darling, I couldn't leave you on such a sour note.

I came back to apologize.

I've always tried to give you everything you've ever wanted, and I'm not going to stop now.

If you want Monte, he's yours.

Oh.

You still want him?

(Veda) Oh, Mommy, what have I done?

Monte fall down, go boom.

Mother, you've got to help me.

You've got to help me get out of this mess, Mommy.

Please!

(Mildred) I don't know what to do.

This one is a real lulu, Veda.

(Veda) Oh, Mommy, please.

I wove ou.

I wove ou.

Please help me, Mommy.

(Mildred) Veda, I think it's time for a little discipline.

(telephone clicking) -Get me the police.

-Mommy, you wouldn't turn me in and make me go to the big bad jail, would you now?

-Hello, police?

-Mommy, this is as much your fault as it is mine.

I didn't spoil me rotten, you did.

♪ (Mildred) You're right.

I'll take the blame.

But, Veda, I think you'd better skip the prom.

-Oh, Mom!

-Veda... (audience laughing) Now you're going to have to lay low for a couple of days.

Here's $50,000.

That should hold you for a day or two.

Hurry, darling, hurry.

Kids, they sure keep you hopping.

Oh, you troublemaker.

(dramatic music) ♪ And then I came here.

Oh, what's going to happen to her?

(Lieutenant Carstairs) Well, she'll probably get a hundred years.

Maybe even life.

That all depends on the judge, you know.

(Veda) Oh, Mommy, please don't let them do this to me.

Don't let them take me away from you.

I love you, Mommy.

Don't let them take me away.

(Mildred) Oh, can't you see she's sorry?

Tell him you're sorry, darling.

-I'm sorry.

-After all, this was only her first murder.

Tell him you'll never murder anybody again.

(Veda) I'll never murder anybody again.

(Mildred) Show him your beautiful smile, darling.

It wasn't her fault.

Don't you understand?

He forced his attentions on her.

He was a lech, don't you understand that?

An older man after this young, innocent girl.

-An old lech, was he?

-Yes!

Well, that makes my blood boil.

I've got a daughter myself, you know.

All right now.

I'll let you go this time, but don't do this again.

-Thank you so much.

-All right.

-What a nice cop.

-Oh, here.

Don't forget your gun.

-Silly me.

-Right.

(Mildred) Veda, darling, I do hope you will try to straighten out now.

(Veda) Can't we make it for five minutes without you getting on my back?

(Mildred) Oh, I didn't mean to upset you, darling.

(Veda) You just never let up, do you, Mother?

(Mildred) Oh, sweetie, don't get testy.

-Honey... -What are you doing with that gun, Mother?

Put that down!

(gunshots) (thudding) (audience laughing) (Mildred) I was born in a small town in the Midwest.

♪ (applause) Tonight's mini musical is built on the lyrics of Mr. Johnny Mercer.

(applause) (soft piano music) ♪ ♪ Laura ♪ ♪ ♪ Is the face in the misty light ♪ ♪ That's Laura.

♪ Footsteps ♪ (clicking) ♪ That you hear down the hall ♪ ♪ ♪ That laugh ♪ (crying) ♪ That floats on a summer night ♪ ♪ That you can never quite recall ♪♪ ♪ Yeah, I've been crazy in love with Laura since I started working in this two-bit gold rush town.

Of course, she don't even know I'm alive.

To her, I'm just Sam, the piano man.

♪ She's crazy in love with Eddie, who runs this joint, and he don't know that she's alive.

♪ (Laura) ♪ It's somebody else's moon above ♪ ♪ Not mine ♪ Poor kid, she keeps it all in.

(Laura) ♪ It's somebody else's night for love ♪ ♪ Not mine ♪♪ Laura's crazy in love with Eddie, and Eddie is crazy in love with the canary who works here, Tangerine.

♪ ♪ Tangerine ♪ ♪ She is all they claim ♪ ♪ With her eyes of night and lips as red as flame ♪ ♪ Tangerine ♪♪ Oh, isn't she gorgeous?

Look at those lips, those eyes, those everythings.

And, tonight, she'll be mine.

(Laura) Gee, I'm real happy for you, Eddie.

(Eddie) Yeah, hey, what do you think of this?

(Laura) Oh, gosh.

I'm real happy for her too.

(Eddie) Ooh, I'm so nervous.

I never asked anybody to marry me before.

(Laura) Aw, shucks, it's easy.

-Yeah?

-Sure.

(Eddie) Well, help me.

What do I say?

(Laura) Well, first, you slip the ring on her finger, you see.

-Yeah, yeah.

-And then you say... Oh, play, Sam.

(dissonant music) ♪ Play it again, Sam.

♪ And then you say... ♪ You deserve someone who's willing ♪ ♪ Namely me ♪ (Eddie) Oh, that's perfect.

Perfect.

(Laura) ♪ One who'd love to have your chil'en ♪ ♪ Namely me ♪ (Eddie) Yeah, yeah.

(Laura) ♪ Comin' home when the work is over at the close of day ♪ ♪ With you all the way, to love, honor, and ♪ -Obey?

-Yes.

(Eddie) Yeah, I got it now.

♪ You deserve two arms to hold you ♪ ♪ Namely mine ♪ ♪ There to comfort and enfold you ♪ ♪ Rain or shine ♪ ♪ I deserve someone sweet and tender, bashful and shy and true ♪ (Laura) Oh, yes, yes.

(Eddie) ♪ And I know just the one who'll do ♪ (Laura) And now you plant one on her, Eddie.

(Eddie) ♪ Namely ♪♪ (Tangerine) Hiya, Eddie!

(Eddie) Tangerine!

(upbeat music) ♪ ♪ De-dum, de-die, de-day ♪ ♪ I'm gonna sing ♪ ♪ For I propose to have myself a fling ♪ ♪ And if you ladies hear the following ♪ ♪ 'Tain't a wolf or an owl ♪ ♪ Ow-oo, ow-oo, ow-oo, I'm after you ♪ ♪ This is my night to howl ♪ (Tangerine) Oh, Eddie, stop it.

I've got to get ready.

(Eddie) ♪ Ow-oo ♪♪ (applause) (soft piano music) (Laura) Eddie... Don't forget the ring.

-Oh, thanks, kid.

-And good luck.

(Eddie) Thanks.

(shouting) (lively music) ♪ (shouting) Hold it, everybody.

Hold it now, hold it now.

And, now, the girl you've all been waiting for, the gorgeous, the wonderful Tangerine.

(cheering) (jazz music) ♪ (Tangerine) ♪ Free and easy ♪ ♪ That's my style ♪ ♪ Howdy-do me ♪ ♪ Watch me smile ♪ ♪ Fare-thee-well me ♪ ♪ After a while ♪ ♪ 'Cause I gotta roam ♪ ♪ And any place I hang my hat is home ♪ (cheering, whistling) ♪ ♪ Sweetenin' water ♪ ♪ Cherry wine ♪ ♪ Thank you kindly ♪ ♪ Suits me fine ♪ ♪ Kansas City, Caroline ♪ ♪ That's my honeycomb ♪ ♪ 'Cause any place I hang my ♪ ♪ Any place I hang my ♪ ♪ Any place I hang my ♪ ♪ ♪ Home ♪♪ ♪ (applause) (Eddie) Oh, isn't she fantastic?

(Laura) Yeah.

Hey, Eddie, aren't you gonna ask her?

(Eddie) What?

Yeah.

Oh, no, not now, Laura, not now.

(Laura) Well, don't be scared.

I mean now is as good a time as any.

-No, I can't.

-Aw, Eddie, I'll help ya.

Um, hey, ladies and gentlemen, and Tangerine too.

I have an announcement to make.

Tangerine, Eddie wants to tell you something.

(soft music) (Eddie) What'll I say?

(Laura) Do you remember what I told ya?

"You deserve a boy who's willing."

(Eddie) ♪ You deserve a boy who's willing ♪ -Namely me.

-♪ Namely me ♪ (Laura) One who'd love to raise your chil'en.

(Eddie) ♪ One who'd love to raise your chil'en ♪ (Laura) Namely me.

(Eddie) ♪ Namely me ♪ I got it now.

♪ I deserve someone sweet and tender, bashful and shy and true ♪ ♪ And I know just the one who'll do ♪ (Laura) Oh, give her the ring, Eddie.

(Eddie) Oh, thanks, kid.

♪ Namely you ♪♪ (audience laughing) ♪ (Tangerine) Gee, thanks, Eddie.

(male speaker) Woo-hoo!

Gold!

I struck it rich in Cooper's Canyon!

(shouting) (lively music) (Tangerine) Come on, sweetie!

♪ Tangerine!

(soft piano music) ♪ ♪ Yes, she's got them all on the run ♪ ♪ ♪ But her heart belongs to just one ♪ ♪ ♪ Her heart belongs to Tangerine ♪♪ (Laura) Oh, Sam, what am I gonna do?

I just love him so much.

(Sam) ♪ You've got to accentuate the positive ♪ ♪ Eliminate the negative ♪ (Laura) I don't get it.

(Sam) ♪ Latch on to the affirmative ♪ ♪ Don't mess with Mr. In-Between ♪ (Laura) You're right, Sam.

♪ You've got to spread joy up to the maximum ♪ ♪ Bring gloom down to the minimum ♪ ♪ Have faith or pandemonium is liable to walk upon the scene ♪♪ ♪ (tense music) ♪ -Laura.

-Eddie.

-Hiya, Eddie.

-Oh, for Pete's sake.

(Eddie) Tangerine.

(soft piano music) ♪ (Sam) ♪ You deserve two arms to hold you ♪ ♪ Namely mine ♪ ♪ There to comfort and enfold you ♪ ♪ Rain or shine ♪ ♪ I deserve someone sweet and tender, bashful and shy and true ♪ ♪ (audience laughing) (Eddie) ♪ And I know just the one who'll do ♪ (Laura) Eddie.

(Laura and Eddie) ♪ Namely you ♪♪ ♪ (Laura) Goodnight, Sam.

♪ ♪ That was Laura ♪ ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ But she's only ♪ ♪ A dream ♪ ♪ (Tangerine) Hiya, Sam.

(Sam) Oh, yeah.

♪ (applause) ♪ ♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪♪ Goodnight, thank you.

(theme music) ♪ (applause) ♪ (announcer) The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

This is your announcer speaking.

♪ (applause) (bright music)