(announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show.

(applause) (upbeat music) With Vicki Lawrence!

♪ And also starring Tim Conway!

♪ (applause continues) (soft music) (narrator) When last we left Canoga Falls, Marian was expressing her gratitude to the chief of police, for his unfailing energy in the search for her missing daughter.

(Marian) O Captain, my Captain.

Thank you for much for helping me to try to find my missing daughter.

(chief) But Marian, we never found her.

(Marian) I know.

Come back tomorrow and we'll try looking with the lights on.

Oh, Marian, Marian, Marian.

Your face shows the grief a mother must bear, but you're bearing up beautifully, baby.

Why, sounds like the doorbell.

(doorbell ringing) I'll get it.

(applause) It's Donna Davenport, Canoga Falls' leading interior decorator whose work is known in every bedroom in town.

(Donna) The secret to a colorful and exciting bed -lies in the sheets!

-I've always said that.

Come in!

(Donna) I just heard about your missing daughter.

And I rushed over to tell you, now is the perfect time to turn her room into an upstairs den!

(Marian) Donna!

Oh, how cruel of you to taunt me in my hour of grief!

I could use the extra room, though.

How about something in early American?

Speaking of decorating, are you pleased with the way -I spruced up your bedroom?

-Oh, yes!

Putting in that tollgate was such a practical idea.

Are you enjoying your new round bed?

Aren't they comfortable to sleep on?

I wouldn't know.

(Donna) I just wanna run upstairs and see how it looks with the drapes.

Oh, don't bother to show me up, dear, I'll just follow the path in the carpet.

Why, that must be the door.

(ethereal bell ringing) What a strange cosmic tune for my doorbell to be playing.

(ethereal bell ringing) Gosh, I wonder if it knows the theme from Star Wars!

(mysterious music) (applause) It's Richard Dryface!

A lineman from the county and a rambling kind of guy!

(Richard) They think I'm crazy!

They think I'm deranged!

You've got to help me!

I need you!

This man has the wild and deranged look of a deviant!

Oh, come in!

(Richard) Marian, I've come to you with a message from your daughter.

♪ My daughter?

What did she say?

(Richard) Well, when I tell you, you may find it too fantastic and bizarre to be believed!

(Marian) What--what is it?

(Richard) Well, your daughter has been taken aboard an unidentified flying object!

She's been taken aboard an alien spacecraft!

(Marian) I told her never to accept rides from strangers!

I'll never forget that night.

I was out of my truck on a deserted road off Highway 6.

Suddenly, there were bells and a loud crashing sound and this roaring noise, and then suddenly, everything in the cab came crashing down around me!

Is that when you saw the spaceship?

(Richard) No, that's when I was sideswiped by a Winnebago full of nuns.

(Marian) Oh!

(Richard) And ever since that moment, I've been obsessed by this shape.

I can't get it out of my mind.

It's round and soft and curving!

(Marian) Ooh, you've come to the right place.

(Richard) I don't know how to describe it, but I think that shape means something!

It's important, it has something to do with where the spaceship is going to land!

Oh, if only I could make you see it!

Oh, if only I could show it to you!

(Marian) You show me your shape, I'll show you mine!

(Richard) Wait, that's it!

-What?

-That's that shape!

-The table?

-The shape, wait!

(Marian) What is the matter with you?

-This is it, this is it!

-What are you doing?

He's off the wall!

(glass shattering) What are you doing?

No, stop it, no, no!

(yelling) (Richard) I'm telling you, I'm getting closer to it now!

No!

No, stop it!

You've just killed my prize begonia!

(Richard) Yes, but it died for its country!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Is the kitchen in there?

-What are you doing?

Yes, but I-- (clattering) (Richard) In my hands I may hold the future of the universe!

(Marian) Flaky pie crust?

What are you doing with those mashed potatoes?

(Richard) Oh, this is it!

It's nearly, I can tell!

It's finally, finally taking shape!

-Oh, no!

-It just needs a little salt.

-Quick!

-Now what are you doing -with those eggs?

-Landing lights!

This is what I need!

-Quick, the flour!

-Oh!

You don't have a spare cat, do you?

Look at what you've done with my potatoes!

Stop it!

Stop it this ve-ry in-stant!

(Richard) Don't you realize my work here has to do with the future of mankind?

Nay, the future of the universe!

And all you care about is a few mashed potatoes?

Well, excuse me!

(applause) (Marian) Now what are you doing?

-This is it!

-That's it?

(Richard) That's the shape!

This is where the spaceship is going to land!

♪ It looks exactly like my new bed upstairs!

(dramatic music) (shrieking) I've had strangers in my bedroom before, but this is ridiculous!

(Donna) I can't believe my eyes!

It's horrible, it's big, and it's obscene!

(Richard) Have you seen the alien?

(Donna) No, Marian's daughter has come back!

(Marian) My daughter?

Hello, Mother, they've brought me back.

(mysterious music) It's my intergalactic daughter, Julienne.

Julienne!

(Vicki) And your interplanetary grandson, Ought More Om, Jr. Oh, let me s-- He's beautiful.

And he has his father's eye.

(dramatic music) ♪ (Donna) Something is coming down the stairs!

(Richard) This is it, the first human contact with a being from another planet!

(Julienne) Speak for yourself.

That shape!

That form!

Why, he looks almost like the Pillsbury Doughboy!

(Richard) I am now going to attempt to communicate with him!

(Marian) Be careful!

(Richard) That's a sign of peace.

(Donna) Ask him where he's from.

(Richard) I think he understands me.

(Julienne) Obviously, they're beings of a superior intelligence!

He says he wants one of us to go back with him.

(Marian) Why did it take him so long to say it?

He stutters.

(Donna) I'll go with him.

We speak the same language.

-Body.

-Wait just a minute, that's not fair.

I should get to go with him.

After all, he promised me the moon and gave me a son.

(Marian) Yes, oh, no, no!

He landed in my bed, I should-- I saw him first!

(mixed yelling) (Marian) Wait!

No one must go with him until I tell you something you all should know.

(narrator) What is it Marian has to say?

Is it to warn her daughter that mixed marriages are always risky, especially when your husband is from the wrong side of the tracks?

And what of Donna Davenport?

Will she go with the space man and fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming decorator to the stars?

And what of Richard Dryface?

Will he finally get out into space?

Or will he merely stay spaced out in Canoga Falls?

And what about the alien?

Will he return to his home planet?

Or will he stay on to form a meaningful relationship with Marian's Cuisinart?

And what's to become of Marian?

Will this traumatic experience drive her to swear off close encounters forever?

Or will she convert her bedroom into a landing strip?

For the answers to these and other obtuse questions, stay tuned next week for As the Stomach Turns.

(applause) (mysterious music) (jazzy music) (announcer) The Carol Burnett Show, sponsored by Ivory Liquid.

Ivory Liquid's mildness helps keep your hands looking young and youthful.

♪ Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin!

(applause and cheering) Thank you very much.

You know, in order to be a success in television, you have to appeal to everyone from the truck driver to school teacher to the businessman.

There's one group I haven't been appealing to.

In fact, not many performers have even tried to appeal to them.

Dogs.

Now, a lot of dogs watch TV, and there's nothing really on that they can enjoy.

Maybe a couple of commercials and that's about it.

So I've worked up a comedy act for dogs.

Now, I know that sounds sort of ridiculous, but I tried the act on some neighborhood dogs, and they were on the floor.

(audience laughing) With their cute little doggy laughter.

So if you have a dog, call 'em over, let him sit in front of the TV screen, because I think-- I think you're gonna see 'em crack up for the first time.

So I'll wait just for a second while you call your dog over.

Okay, now, I've invited down to the studio some dogs that I can perform to to sort of get the timing down so I don't have to add any canned barks later on.

So, here we go, my comedy act for dogs!

Well, good evening, poodles and collies!

Got kind of a funny story for ya.

You know, it was raining cats and dogs the other day.

I know, because I stepped in a poodle.

Well, um, you know what's black and white and wet all over?

A newspaper!

Okay, Bowser and Fido, the show's not over yet.

Well, could I have a volunteer.

How about you, sir?

Well, where are you from?

Oh, Canoga Park!

Well, do you have a family out there or mostly live alone?

Do you have chil--what time do you have to be home?

Maybe he can't tell me because I have his watch, ladies and gentlemen!

There's the watch, I don't know.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I'll put this away now, and now I'd like to--ah.

I'd like to... Oh, now, now, boys.

Good--good dog!

That's it, stay!

Okay, now I'd like to play a little tune on the dog whistle!

Ultra-high frequency only the dogs can hear!

Well, thank you very much, good night!

(applause) ♪ (soft music) ♪ (applause) ♪ (nurse) Here we are, Mr. Purdy.

Now, you just relax, and I'll be over here if you need me.

Thank you, Leona.

(applause) (woman) Here, pidgy, pidgy.

Here, pidgy, pidgy.

Act like you don't notice me.

Here, pidgy.

Now listen and listen good.

We're bustin' outta here tonight.

Are you with us?

-Leona!

-Shh!

Keep it down, ya fool!

You want that screw up there in the tower to hear us?

Now, get this, 'cause we ain't got much time out here in the yard.

Is he looking?

Okay, put the paper down next to ya.

No, on this side, stupid.

Okay, now, whistle.

(Mr. Purdy) What?

Whistle!

(whistling) (woman) Okay, okay.

Here, pidgy, pidgy.

Now, pick up the paper and look in it.

What's that?

(woman) It's a spoon.

I made it out of a knife.

Here, pidgy.

Shh, hide it, hide it, watch it, watch it!

Afternoon, Warden!

Oh, we're just sitting here talking, that's all.

The warden wants to know what you got there in that paper.

I don't know.

-I just got an old spoo-- -Shh!

(Mr. Purdy) Ahh.

(woman) Well, I suppose, Warden, it's probably his watch.

Yeah, that's what it is, Warden, he's got his watch in that paper.

Yeah, let me show you, Warden.

See?

See?

It's just a watch, that's all it is.

Huh?

Okay.

Warden says that you're not supposed to have a watch when you're assigned to D-wing.

I'm supposed to keep it for ya.

Okay, Warden, so long!

-My watch.

-Say goodbye to the warden.

-Bye, Warden.

-Here, pidgy, pidgy.

I gotta give you the password.

Now, at six o'clock, you go up to Cookie in the mess hall, and he'll say, "Hi," and then you say, "Hi.

Give me just a little sliver of the apple pie.

A little sliver, 'cause my mama never let me each much sweets, and I'm used to not eatin' sweets.

And then if you'd be so kind as to put a chunk of cheese, I'd be ever so appreciative."

That's the password, you got that?

(Mr. Purdy) Leo--huh?

(woman) Whistle.

-What?

-Put the paper down and whistle!

(whistling) Pick the paper up.

Look in it.

What's that?

(woman) It's a bar of soap.

I made it out of a gun.

Here--watch it.

Afternoon, Warden?

Huh?

Well, I don't know, why don't you ask him?

Warden wants to know what you got in the paper there.

-She gave me this bar-- -Shh!

Oh, it's probably his ring, Warden.

That's probably what's in there, that's all.

I'm sure that's what it is, his ring.

His ring, yeah, that's what it is.

See, Warden?

That's what's there.

Okay, yeah.

The warden says that you're not supposed to have a ring if you're assigned to D-wing, and I'm supposed to keep it for ya.

Huh, Warden, what's that?

Oh, there's nothing else in there, unless-- well, it might be his wallet.

Might be his wallet's in there, I bet his wallet's in there.

That's what it is, his wallet.

(Mr. Purdy) Just a minute, now.

I'm not gonna go for this again.

You see, my wallet ain't in there.

You've got my watch and my ring, but you're gonna get it now, you're gonna-- Officer, just a minute.

Come here, Officer.

Got something to report.

This woman here is bustin' out of this place tonight.

She gave me a spoon and a bar of soap right in here and she took my ring and my watch, put it right in there like that.

Now I'm supposed to go to the mess hall tonight and talk to Cookie and give him the password.

And I'm supposed to say to him, "I just want a little sliver of pie, and I want some cheese on it, because I never had any sweets when I was young," and I'm supposed to say that, the password, and then I'm-- she got my watch and my ring and then the warden came by.

I got... (officer) All right, fella.

You and I better take a little walk.

-Come on!

-She got my watch!

-That's okay.

-Leona!

Boy, I'd sure hate to be in his shoes when the warden gets wind of this.

(upbeat music) (applause) (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(jazzy music) And now, back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(mellow music) ♪ (doorbell ringing) (Eunice) Surprise, surprise!

(applause) (Mama) Happy anniversary, darling.

-Well, come on in!

-All right!

(Ellen) Well, my goodness, Mama, it has been so long!

(Mama) Well, it wouldn't be if you'd bother to ever pick up the phone and ask me over.

(Ellen) Goodness, I don't know where the time goes!

And Eunice, you are looking so well!

(Eunice) Well, thank you, sister dear.

Actually, it wasn't my idea to come over here without calling first.

(Mama) Now, what kind of a surprise would that have been?

(Eunice) Well, evidently, there's some kind of a party going on here tonight, Mama, that we wasn't invited to, so I think maybe we better just creep on back into our humble part of town.

(Ellen) It's just a few friends, and I knew they would bore you silly!

So let's just have a quick chat before they get here, and then we can have a leisurely visit sometime real soon.

(Mama) Well, now, I don't know how quick I can hand you this present, but I'll try.

Happy anniversary, Ellen.

-Why, thank you, Mama!

-Well, now, -that's from both of us.

-Oh, thank you, Eunice.

Thank you so much.

-Well-- -My, my, my.

Isn't Ellen's house gorgeous, Eunice?

-Mhm.

-Just look at this brand new velvet sofa.

Ooh, I tell you.

You know, I don't believe I've ever relaxed on that sofa of yours, Eunice.

(Eunice) Well, you looked pretty relaxed last night after that fourth beer you had.

I did not have four beers, missy.

You finished off them last two cans of mine.

-You had four beers.

-My, my!

I had forgotten how refreshing it was to be around you two!

(Eunice) That's right!

Boy, Mama sure is a character, isn't she?

I tell you, she sure brightens things up around my house.

What's new, Ellen?

(Ellen) Oh, we just bumble along in a humdrum way.

We're adding a room down in the back by the pool.

Oh, the remodeling is driving me mad!

(Mama) Oh, for crying out loud, Ellen, aren't you ever gonna open your present?

(Ellen) Oh, why, of course, Mama!

(Mama) Drag myself all the way over here to see the expression of joy on your face.

What have we here?

(Mama) I think you're gonna like it, it's real nice.

Oh, cologne!

Oh, my, it's wonderful!

(Mama) I'll just take that ribbon, if you don't mind.

I can use that on something else.

That paper's pretty well shot, though.

Oh, Mama, two big bottles of it.

I am glad you got it at a two-for-one sale.

I'm glad you weren't extravagant.

I am just thrilled with it!

(Mama) Well, it's nothing much, it's just a little remembrance for your anniversary.

I'm just pleased that at least one of my daughters was able to keep a marriage together.

Bruce not home yet, darling?

(Ellen) Oh, something important came up at the office.

He'll be desolated at missing you both.

(Eunice) Oh, now I think we could probably stay on for a few minutes... (indistinct talking) (Ellen) Mama, I tell ya, it's such a dull group, we'll be up chatting nonsense till all hours.

Besides, you'll miss your wrestling on TV, darling!

(Mama) Well, now, don't be giving me the rush out till I've seen them two little granddaughters of mine.

Where are they, anyhow?

Well, they're upstairs studying, Mama, they got a lot of homework to catch up on.

(Mama) Oh, now, well, I'm just gonna just stick my head in there and surprise them little angels.

(Ellen) Well, okay, Mom, but just pop your head in and pop it right out again.

They have to get some work done.

(Mama) Well, fine, Ellen, what do you think I'm gonna do?

Kidnap 'em and drag 'em off to the circus?

Maybe I can even help 'em a little bit.

I can still think, you know, I ain't gaga yet.

Isn't she fun?

Mama?

Fun?

(Eunice) You know, I think it's just wonderful the way Mama takes an interest in her little granddaughters, Ellen.

You know, I was watching a show on TV the other day that was really fascinating.

I don't know if it's Mike Douglas or Diane or one of 'em, but anyhow, this Alex Haley, you know, he's the one that wrote Roots?

Well, he was talking about how his whole life was enriched by his grandma!

He said that if his grandma hadn't told him all them stories about how her ancestors had come over from Africa.

Why, he never-- he never would've written that book Roots or had that big TV show!

Well, our mother never said anything to enrich anybody's life, -let alone write a TV show.

-Oh, come on!

You know as well as I do that Mama is a gold mine of stories, as far as old days is concerned!

I just think it's kind of a pity that your little girls are being deprived of all that!

(Ellen) Well, then you are very lucky, Eunice, that your little boys have her right in the same house.

Well, now, I don't wanna be selfish about it.

(Ellen) What are you asking, Eunice?

(Eunice) Well, it's just that I think it might be kinda nice if you and me sorta shared Mama for a while.

You know what I mean?

I mean, after all, you've got this big, lovely house here and you are adding on an extra room and all and I live in this little cracker box on the wrong side of the tracks, as you once so aptly described it.

As you know, Ed left me, and I am trying to rebuild my life, and that old lady is driving me right up the headlines.

I think it's only fair if you take her for a while.

(Ellen) I see.

Well, Eunice, you know I would do anything I could for Mama.

You are leading up to a no.

(Ellen) You are the one she's close to!

-You like the same things-- -We do not like the same things!

I don't know why you always keep telling me that!

I like to watch Tattletales on TV and she likes wrestling reruns!

If I'm gonna split an enchilada frozen TV dinner, she wants to split a macaroni and cheese!

When--if I'm burning up because she's got the furnace turned up too high, she turns it down because I'm freezing to death!

Oh, hell, I don't know what the hell I'm saying.

(applause) Well, like you said, she is fun to be around!

(Eunice) She is!

You gotta give me a breather!

Just take her off my hands for a little bit!

(Ellen) Eunice!

Bruce breaks out in hives at the mention of her name!

-Bruce.

-I mean, do you remember how she behaved at our wedding, asking Bruce's mother how much she weighed?

And if a big dress like that cost extra.

Then she burst out singing, Roll Out the Barrel.

I was the one that did that.

(Ellen) Eunice, I do not have time for all this.

(Eunice) Listen, it is not fair.

You have got to take her!

(Ellen) I'd sooner take gas!

(Eunice) If you don't take her off of my hands, I'm gonna put her out on the streets!

Well, suit yourself!

You should've put her in a retirement home -a long time ago!

-I have tried to do that every since she moved in on me, but she won't budge!

Listen, sister, I'm telling you something right now.

It's your duty to take care of her, too.

And if you don't, I-- I'm gonna take you to court!

That's what I'm gonna do!

She is your mother, too!

I have suffered enough on that account!

I don't intend to suffer for the rest of my life!

(Eunice) She has always hated me!

She's always loved you the best!

You're the one she always kissed good night first!

(Mama) Well, she could've skipped me!

I could've done without that beer breath in my face every night.

If you were dumb enough to let that dragon move in with you, then you can stew in your own juice!

(Mama) Lord, Lord, Lord!

(Eunice) Mama, now, wait, wait, Mama.

Wait, wait, wait, come on, you know how Ellen and me, we're always squabblin'.

(Mama) You stay away from me.

I never expected any more from you, but you, Ellen, I had given up my entire life for you!

Oh, set it to music, Mama.

You never gave up anything for anybody in your whole life!

Oh, thank the Lord I left when I did or I could've turned out like that.

(doorbell ringing) Millie!

Fred!

-Hi, you rascals!

-Hi, Ellen!

-How nice to see you!

-Come on in, yeah!

Oh, this is my Mama and my sister.

They were just leaving.

Millie, you are the dip expert.

I can't wait to have you taste that dip.

If you like it, I have arrived!

And Fred, the champagne is chilling.

We'll pop a cork in just a minute!

(Eunice) Well, I sure hope y'all enjoy that dip and champagne!

We didn't get so much as a pretzel or a cold bottle of beer!

Good night, Eunice, good night, Mama.

(Mama) You were a cold, ungrateful, stuck up little snip the day you were born and you still are.

(Eunice) Yeah, you and that mealy-faced priss Bruce you married.

You deserve each other, sister dear.

Happy anniversary.

You quit picking on your sister Ellen.

You still haven't given me your half of the gift money!

(Eunice) I'll give it to you when you give me my half of the gift!

(Ellen) Outta my house!

And stay out of my life forever!

Well, how about that dip?

(applause) (orchestral music) ♪ (fanfare music) ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Beach blanket boo-boo ♪ ♪ Beach blanket boo-boo ♪ ♪ Beach blanket boo-boo ♪ ♪ That's the name of this movie-movie ♪ ♪ If you make a move-move ♪ ♪ Make sure your boo-boo's ♪ ♪ A beach blanket boo-boo ♪ ♪ Time to head for the beach ♪ -♪ We're stacking our boards ♪ -♪ Stacking our boards ♪ -♪ In the sand ♪ -♪ In the sand ♪ -♪ Turn up the music ♪ -♪ Turn up the music ♪ -♪ Listen to the band ♪ -♪ Listen to the band ♪ (ensemble) ♪ We'll never go home September, too late ♪ ♪ We're twisting all night ♪ ♪ And surfing all day ♪ ♪ (Nanette) Gosh, Dee Dee, oh, wow, oh, oh!

Oh, gosh, what a groovy spot you picked!

Oh--oh, and the beach is really boss!

Oh, and the surf is outta sight!

(Dee Dee) And it's a great place to meet guys!

(Nanette) Guys?

Who wants to meet guys?

-I'm in love with Frankie!

-Oh, gee, Nanette, don't be a drip!

You know Frankie's going steady with Diane!

(Nanette) I know, I know, I wish there was some way I could get him to notice me!

(Dee Dee) Oh, hey, look!

Here comes Frankie now!

(Nanette) Oh!

(audience cheering) -Hi, Frankie!

-Hi, gang!

Hey, everybody!

The sets the are glassy and there's not a hodaddy in sight, so let's all us groovies wax up and paddle out to shoot the curl!

(in unison) Yeah!

-Gosh, he's deep!

-Hey, Frankie?

How come you're not with Diane?

(Frankie) Well, Diane and I aren't going together anymore.

-Did you break up with her?

-Well, not exactly.

(Nanette) Tell us what happened!

(mellow music) ♪ Teenage madonna ♪ ♪ You're mine ♪ ♪ Trapped in the seaweed ♪ ♪ Lost in the brine ♪ ♪ To our wet bodies ♪ ♪ The seaweed now clings ♪ ♪ Just look like an angel ♪ ♪ Now my angel has wings ♪ ♪ The last thing I remember ♪ ♪ My angel walked out there ♪ ♪ Then I saw her brand new nose job ♪ ♪ Gasping for some air ♪ ♪ I guess the sharks will eat her ♪ ♪ It really isn't fair ♪ ♪ I only hope they gag ♪ ♪ When they swallow that hair ♪ ♪ Oh, Lord, if you must take her ♪ ♪ My madonna, oh so rare ♪ ♪ I only pray Your kingdom ♪ ♪ Has Clearasil up there ♪ ♪ ♪ I know that someday ♪ ♪ Bye-bye ♪ ♪ I'll ride that surfboard ♪ ♪ In the sky ♪ ♪ With my teenage ♪ ♪ Ma- ♪ ♪ Do-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh ♪ ♪ Na ♪ (applause) Hey, everybody!

Surf's up!

(mixed chatter) (Nanette) Poor, sad Frankie.

I can't let him shoot the curl alone.

I gotta go to him.

(Dee Dee) No, no, Nanette!

Remember what you always told me!

Nice guys never marry the girls they surf with!

I know.

Why buy the board when you can get the ride for free?

That's just the chance I'll have to take.

Frankie!

Wait!

(upbeat music) ♪ Hi, Frankie!

(Frankie) Why, Nanette, you're surfing!

(Nanette) Well, don't you think it's about time?

After all, I'm sweet 16 and I've never been wiped out!

(Frankie) Why don't you step over on my board and I'll help you out a little bit?

(Nanette) Okay!

Hey!

Thanks!

(Frankie) See, there's nothing to it!

Just you and me and the ocean at our feet.

(soft music) (vocalizing) ♪ (Nanette) ♪ Surfer baby, glad we met ♪ ♪ Though you're always wringing wet ♪ ♪ Love to ride with you, surfer baby ♪ (Frankie) ♪ Surfer baby, you're a champ ♪ ♪ And you're never, ever damp ♪ ♪ What's your secret, sweet surfer baby?

♪ (ensemble) ♪ Be my surfer baby ♪ -♪ I don't care ♪ -♪ You don't ca-are ♪ -♪ If we a-are ♪ -♪ If we a-are ♪ (in unison) ♪ At the bottom of the class in high school ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're on the honor list in my school ♪ (Nanette) ♪ Promise me you'll never work ♪ (Frankie) ♪ We'll stay here and twist and jerk ♪ (Nanette) ♪ Love will see us through, surfer baby ♪ (Frankie) ♪ I love you, surfer baby ♪ -♪ Surfer baby ♪ -♪ I love you ♪ (in unison) ♪ Surfer baby ♪ (applause) (Nanette) Hey!

Cool it, Frankie!

Just because we're madly in love, that doesn't give you the opportunity to take advantage of me.

Oh, oh!

(man) Hey, gang, look!

Frankie and Nanette are in trouble!

(gasping) (Dee Dee) It's a wipeout!

It's a wipeout!

Ooh, it's a wipeout!

Ooh, it's a wipeout!

Somebody save them!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Nanette's got Frankie!

She's bringing him in!

(cheering) (Frankie) Gee, Nanette, you saved my life!

You're really outta sight!

(Nanette) Oh, Frankie, it's just a little basic life-saving.

The hard part for me is keeping dry.

Gee, Nanette, I sure do love you!

(engines buzzing) I'll never look at another girl!

(audience cheering) Unless she's wearing black leather.

(Angel) Hi, big bronze and raggy.

I just love surfers!

Something about the smell of Coppertone makes me goose pimply all over!

(Frankie) I know what you mean, I get the same way smelling axle grease.

(Eric) All right, you guys, okay, all right, gather up your beach bums and get out of here, because-- (groaning) Hey, whoa, hey!

It's mine, it's taking over the beach!

Well, look, listen here!

We don't get off this beach for nobody -and I'm not afraid of you!

-Hey!

Hey, you got a big mouth!

I wanna stick a surfboard in it!

(Frankie) Well, I'm telling you that we're not afraid of you!

We don't get off this beach until we're good and ready!

-Yeah!

-Well, I guess we're ready!

(Nanette) Frankie, why don't you stand up to him?

Don't be so weak and yucky.

(Angel) Don't listen to her, I like my men weak and yucky.

(Frankie) I like my women strong and greasy.

(groaning) (Nanette) Well, two can play that game, Frankie.

Okay, big boy, rev up your engines.

(Eric) Yeah, Von Schlepper's always in gear.

(Nanette) Wait a minute, no, no, not on the lips, the hairspray.

(Frankie) Get your hands off my girl!

-I'm not your girl.

-Me neither!

(Dee Dee) I'm up for grabs!

(Eric) Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, wait a minute, there's only one way to settle this.

A race to Dead Man's Cove!

-Oh, no!

-You're on!

-Grab your surfboard!

-Frankie, no!

(Eric) Von Schlepper don't do no surfing unless he's surfing on his bike.

Bring it to me, boys.

I'll take that cat out in no time.

(clanking) A little push, boys.

(man) Come on, gang!

It's a race around Dead Man's Cove!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

(Nanette) Gosh!

Can you see 'em?

-Yeah, they've paddled out!

-Oh!

-Now they're off!

-I can't watch!

Oh!

(Eric) Hey, I'm gonna hang 10.

(Frankie) Come on, you couldn't even count to 10.

(Eric) I can too, three, four, five... (Nanette) If anything happens to Frankie, I'll die!

(Angel) If anything happens to Eric, I'll kill ya!

(Dee Dee) I guess there's only one thing a woman can do!

Sing!

(upbeat music) -♪ Get him, Eric ♪ -♪ Get him, Frankie ♪ (Dee Dee) ♪ Get him, Eric, get him, Frankie ♪ (in unison) ♪ Get him in the face ♪ ♪ Get him anyplace ♪ ♪ You gotta win the race at Dead Man's Cove ♪ (Angel) Oh, I just love it when he's mad!

(Nanette) Oh, Frankie, don't get your hair wet!

-♪ Careful, Eric ♪ -♪ Watch it, Frankie ♪ (Dee Dee) ♪ Kill him, Eric, frank him, Frankie ♪ (in unison) ♪ Put him in his place ♪ ♪ Send him into space ♪ ♪ You gotta win the race ♪ ♪ At Dead Man's Cove ♪ (Nanette) Who won?

Who won?

-It was a tie!

-A tie!

Oh, Frankie!

Oh, Frankie, Frankie!

Oh, Frankie, oh, Frankie!

Oh, Frankie, I was so worried about you!

(Frankie) Hey, that's no way for my future wife to act!

(Nanette) Ah!

(Frankie) What do you say, Eric?

Think we oughta get married?

(Eric) Gee, I don't know, I already promised Angel!

(Angel) You son of a-- (Frankie) I can't wait for the wedding!

I'll finally get to see you with your clothes on!

(Nanette) In the meantime, let's sing!

(lively music) ♪ (Nanette) ♪ If your chest is like a pancake ♪ ♪ It'll blow up right away ♪ ♪ It's a remedy you can't take, no ♪ ♪ Surfin' every day ♪ (Dee Dee) ♪ If you want a puffy hairstyle ♪ ♪ You don't have to use a spray ♪ ♪ Let the waves do it their style ♪ (in unison) ♪ Go surfin' every day ♪ ♪ Christmas, New Year's, and Thanksgiving ♪ ♪ Rosh Hashanah and St. Steven ♪ ♪ You will find you're really living ♪ ♪ Surfin' every day ♪ (Frankie) ♪ If you've got yourself a pimple ♪ ♪ And it just won't go away ♪ ♪ Well, the cure is very simple ♪ (in unison) ♪ Go surfin' every day ♪ ♪ Beach blanket boo-boo ♪ ♪ Surfin' ♪ ♪ Every day ♪ (applause) ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (announcer) The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

(child) This has been a Whacko Production.

Stay right there, mister.

(applause) ♪