-I always say I'm teetotal because I don't drink wine or beer.

-Right.

-But, very occasionally, I have a gin and tonic.

-You had a wee whiskey the other night.

-Yeah, but that was very unusual.

-You had a whiskey yesterday.

-That was very unusual.

-It's getting less unusual.

-It is getting less unusual.

-[ Laughs ] -Miriam Margolyes, legendary actress, teller of tales, and all-round national treasure.

-[ Sneezes ] I bet you sometimes wish I was Joanna Lumley.

My far-too-generous companion is Alan Cumming.

-It's a little alarming.

-Actor, singer, dancer, writer.

There seems no end to his talents.

-Magic.

Last year, we went on quite the adventure.

All this could be mine, Miriam.

Mine!

-Well, I don't know about that.

Sharing our most personal memories of our beloved Scotland.

I wish they could see that we've come back.

-But we only scratched the surface, so now, against all good sense... -Yay!

-...we're back.

Once more unto the breach.

-[ Slurring ] It's great, isn't it?

Older but not necessarily wiser... -Ready, Miriam?

-Uh, about as ready as I'll ever be, I think.

...but nonetheless determined to travel even further... -Isn't this gorgeous?

Absolutely magical.

...to spectacular locations.

-When you're short, you never see all this.

-Whoa!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

They're right there.

-...to catch up with some much loved old friends... -She's very lewd, this woman.

-...and make some very interesting new ones.

So we're about to plunder the bounty of Skye now.

-I take the rear?

-Not my rear.

-[ Chuckles ] -And like all good sequels, this promises to be even bigger and better... -Shall we hit the road?

-...as Alan and I head to America to share another chapter in our lives.

-We're in California!

-It's just the same.

Let's just say we both have some tales to tell.

-I am taking you, Miriam, to a drug den.

-You smell it?

-I mean, I have worn a harness in my life.

-Oh, my goodness!

-I think you look like Sophia Loren.

[ Laughs ] -And after so many years away, I'm more than ready to dive back in.

-The question is, Miriam, are they ready for you?

-[Bleep] off!

I can't believe the beauty of Scotland.

-Yeah.

-I just can't get over it.

This glorious country is so full of memories for me.

But there's only one place where I truly left my heart and, for the first time on our travels, we're leaving the mainland altogether and are off to the isles.

-Once more unto the breach, dear friend.

-I know.

I'm so excited about going back.

-Destination Skye.

Why did you choose Skye?

-I first saw Skye when I was with my girlfriend, who is, amazingly, still in my life in that capacity.

It's where Heather and I first went on holiday.

I shouldn't really be with you.

I should be with Heather on this.

-Yes.

-Because this is a return to romantic places.

But it was such a happy time, such a time of discovery.

-How long ago was it?

-Fifty-four years ago.

-Wow, you've been with Heather for 54 years?

-Yep.

-Wow.

Look at the bridge over there.

-Oh, my God!

-That's the bridge.

There was no bridge when I was here before.

-Yeah, there'd be a ferry.

-Wow!

Look at this.

Exciting.

-The construction of the bridge started in 1992 and took three years to complete, connecting the Isle of Skye to mainland Scotland by road for the first time in history.

Look how steep this is.

It's like you're going into the clouds.

-It's dazzling.

-♪ Speed, bonnie van ♪ ♪ Like a bird on the wing ♪ -Next!

-♪ Over the bridge ♪ ♪ To Skye ♪ -I was afraid you were going to sing.

-♪ Carry the woman ♪ ♪ Who is born to be queen ♪ ♪ Over the bridge to Skye ♪ Liza Minnelli gave me this great advice.

She said, "When you sing, think of the song as a play.

-Yeah, it's a story.

-It's got three acts."

And also, Liza said, she goes -- [ As Minnelli ] When I get a new song, I just sort of think, I think.

"Who is this woman?!

What kind of fridge magnets does she have?"

[ Laughter ] That's what she said to me.

So, are you getting old goose bumpy reminiscences?

-I remember that I was here and that I was happy.

It's nice to come back.

Skye is such a beautiful place, just 50 miles long and 25 miles wide, and home to only 13,000 inhabitants.

But it has a majesty and romance all of its own and my happiest memory, from 50 years ago, was a magical boat trip we both took.

-And so, we're heading east, to the harbor town of Portree, because tomorrow I've arranged to recreate that special voyage just for Miriam.

We're up at the crack of dawn, ready for our boat trip.

The weather is just right, the water welcoming, and the views go for miles.

But Miriam is a little distracted, recording a birthday message from one of her fans.

-Hello, this is from me and I'm doing it just before I go on a boat trip on the Isle of Skye.

I'm just going to show you how beautiful the Isle of Skye can be.

I'm very pleased that you're having your birthday in Italy.

You're going to have the best [bleep] of your life -[ Laughs ] -because it'll be in a trulli.

So, the willy will be in a trulli.

I'm thrilled for you, for both of you.

Enjoy every second.

Bye!

-[ Laughing ] Now, Miriam's taken care of her social media side hustle, it's time to get back to the day job.

-Oh, thank you.

You're very gallant.

I love it.

There we are.

-Thanks.

Right.

Miriam's spinal condition means she sometimes needs a little help to get around.

You ready?

-I'm ready.

-And, between her and Lala, it's fair to say I have my hands full.

Oh, my goodness.

There we are.

-[ Babbling ] -[ Laughing ] -[ Babbling ] -My God, what a crazy trio we are.

-[ Babbles ] I bet you sometimes wish I was Joanna Lumley.

[ Laughs ] -I wouldn't trade you for Joanna Lumley, for all the tea in China.

-Well.

-Okay.

There you are.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my God, this is crazy.

This is like rubbing your tummy and rubbing your head in a different direction.

Or like that time you masturbated that man whilst rowing.

-You've never forgotten that, have you?

-No, I've never forgotten that.

-I don't think it's going to happen today, so.

[ Laughter ] -Let's hope not.

Thankfully, I'm not in charge of all maneuvers today.

This beautiful boat is operated by Janice and Ewan.

-Good morning.

-Good morning, guys.

-Oh, hello!

-Good morning, morning.

-How are you?

-Are you here to help... -We are, indeed.

-...or to hinder?

[ Laughter ] -No, no, we'll see.

[ Laughter ] -Put your foot on it.

-This is the opportunity to get rid of me.

[ Laughter ] And I know that.

-You wouldn't fit down that little bit.

-Well done.

-I know that.

-Like a gazelle.

-A gazelle?!

-Yes.

-A gnu.

[ Laughter ] -Anchors aweigh.

-Nearly ready for off.

-We're leaving the harbor at Portree and heading out into the sounds of Raasay.

-Very smooth.

-Much like the trip Miriam took with Heather, but with an added surprise.

This area is known for its sea life, so, after fulfilling our health and safety obligations...

Here we go.

...we might be lucky enough to get a glimpse of some magical ocean creatures.

Can't believe I'm dolphin watching with Lala.

[ Whimsical tune plays ] No sign.

Nothing yet, but in these waters, there's plenty of scope for a sighting.

-We get a couple of different types of dolphin here.

We get big bottlenose.

We get Risso's in sometimes, but we can get them in pods of up to about 300 in here... -Wow.

-...sometimes, like super pods.

We've been doing this about four years and still get pretty excited when they show up.

-It is exciting.

-Yeah, it is.

It's just, it's uplifting, yeah.

-It's magical.

-To have interaction with a wild creature.

-That is, yeah.

They make -- You can see -- -That's like what I feel every day working with you -- -[ Laughs ] -having interaction with a wild creature.

It's magical.

[ Laughter ] -We just need her to leap now, beside the boat.

-Yeah, yeah.

[ Laughter ] -I do it for food, though.

[ Laughter ] -You do it for onions.

[ Laughter ] [ Bright tune plays ] ♪ There they are.

Look!

-Oh, yes!

-Look at them!

Oh, my God!

Ha ha!

-There's three of them.

-There's millions of them.

Whoa!

Oh, they're right there!

They're right there!

-My God!

Look!

-Oh, my God!

Look at them.

They're right here, Miriam.

-I've never seen that.

-Whoa!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

They're right there.

[ Laughs ] They're showing off for us.

-That was really -- -Look at them there.

-I never had a treat like that the first time I was here, but it was magical in other ways.

When I came with Heather... -Mm.

-...I was full of lust and love, in about equal proportions.

I don't quite feel that about you, Alan.

Oops!

-[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.

Don't spill your drink.

-[ Laughs ] But, as you see, I can easily get into hot water.

-Oh, God!

Look at you.

What a pro.

[ Laughter ] Do you still feel lusty and in love?

-No.

No, I just feel contemplative and happy.

I'd like to go up there, actually.

-You want to?

-I think I'm going to.

[ Whimsical suspenseful tune plays ] -Alright.

-If it's steady.

-Should I take the rear?

-Not my rear.

-[ Laughs ] -I'd just like to have a go.

-You stay there, Lala.

♪ Pretty nifty.

-Might try one more step.

-Ooh.

How's the view up there, Captain?

-It's wonderful.

And, when you're short, you never see all this.

Oops!

[ Laughs ] I might have to come into port like this.

-[ Laughs ] You'll be there until like next Tuesday.

♪ -I'm not doing badly, am I?

-No, you're doing great.

One more.

-See, for me, it's quite a thing... -That's great.

-...to do that.

There!

-Bravo!

-Yay!

-Nailed it.

-Nailed it.

[ Laughter ] ♪ -Cheers, Miriam.

[ Speaking foreign language ] -L'chaim.

-Uh-huh.

-I always tell people I'm a teetotaler and I'm lying.

-You're totally lying.

You've been... -I'm lying in my teeth.

-...absolutely caning it on this trip.

-[ Slurring ] It's great, isn't it?

[ Laughter ] Something about Skye makes me giddy.

Named the Misty Isle by the Norse, the countless waterfalls, the otherworldly hills, and the rich heritage of storytelling make this place feel truly magical.

For centuries, the Scots have celebrated its supernatural powers and there are countless stories of warriors, giants, and fairies.

-So, I've had a wonderful idea.

I'm taking Miriam south, to Broadford, to surprise her with a very special souvenir.

Today, Miriam... -Yes, sir!

-...we are going to a wand shop.

-A what shop?

-Wand.

-Oh.

[ Laughs ] -Yeah, this man is quite influenced by Harry Potter, so, expect -- -Oh, gosh!

-Not quite the reaction I was hoping for.

He makes wands and he blesses them and he says, you know, you choose your wand.

And he whittles them himself.

-I love seeing people work with wood.

-I enjoy working with wood, too, Miriam.

-Is that a double entendre?

-Yes.

-Rudery, rudery!

-And, if you think the magical craft of wand making takes place next to a fairy pool or beside a fairy glen, you'd be wrong.

I'm just going to drive in here.

-I don't think they'll like that, will they?

-We have a national treasure here.

On the Isle of Skye, wands are crafted opposite Broadford's local co-op, the fairy co-op, if you will.

Hello.

I'm Alan.

-Hi, Alan.

Pleased to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Pleased to meet you.

-I'm Miriam.

What's your name?

-Trevor.

Pleased to meet you.

-Trevor.

I can see you spend a lot of time outdoors.

-All the time, yes.

-Or drinking.

-Or drinking -- rosy cheeks.

-Because you've got a rosy face.

-When did the wand business start?

-Well, there's a certain franchise which I know you're fully aware of and my daughter -- -You refer to "Harry Potter."

-I do.

My daughter sat me down and I watched the first film, which is the smaller children.

I went, "Oh, I love that.

That was quite good."

Second night, the second film.

Third night, I wanted to sit down and then, by the end of all of the films, I ran out into the garden and tore a piece of apple tree off.

I said, "There you go, Tabatha."

Then I made a friend a wand and then I made one and I put it in the antique shop and everybody gravitated towards it.

And the rest is I've been making ones since 2016.

-You realize it's a fruitless effort?

-I know what you're saying, but the amount of joy it brings to people.

-Are you going to show us your whittling?

-Yes, I am, yes.

-I want to cut to the chase.

[ Laughter ] -You cut to the chase.

I work on my knees and then I put... -So many do.

[ Laughter ] -...and I push and turn.

I push and turn.

And, as you can see, it's so therapeutic, doing it.

-Can I whittle?

-You can, yes.

-He'll be good at it.

He's so much better at everything that I am.

It's embarrassing.

-Well, I'm sure there are some things.

If you run the file into that groove there and then you get the feel and turn at the same time, that's it.

-I'm not really great at this, am I?

-But you're turning at the same time, so you're doing, you know, the pat the head and rub the stomach and once you get going with it, that's what you're doing, you know, technically.

-You're not going to ask me to do that as well, are you?

-I'm not, no.

-Do you not have your wand from "Harry Potter," Miriam?

Did you have a wand in "Harry Potter"?

-I can't remember.

Did I?

-You did, yes.

-I don't really remember.

I would like you to take a wand away with you.

-Gosh, thanks so much.

-Oh, I see.

-Would you like the Joan of Arc one?

-Yes, I would, actually.

-Well, there we are.

That's for you.

-Thank you.

-What Miriam doesn't know is that I've arranged an even better surprise.

She's been hobbling around on her NHS walking stick for years.

Well, not anymore.

Trevor's made you this staff.

This... -This is for you.

-...stunning staff.

-Oh, I like that.

Thank you.

-Isn't it gorgeous?

-Now that's a walking stick.

-Do you think it'll be strong enough?

-Oh, it is.

It's a strong piece of heather.

-That's the name of my partner.

I'm really pleased.

-Oh, good.

And that is for you.

-Do you want to give it a go, to try?

-Yeah, yeah, try it out, yeah.

-Yeah.

Okay.

-So, that should push into your hand and give you some -- -It's just the right height.

-It should be.

I used my daughter as the model.

-We've lost her.

-[ Chuckles ] -Come back, Miriam!

-Look, I've just been gifted a lovely stick to use.

Love it.

-Oh, that's beautiful!

-Isn't that great?

-Yeah.

-Come on, Miriam.

Come back.

-It's lovely.

-Isn't that lovely, though?

-Is that alright for you?

-It works well, with the right height.

-Oh, lovely.

-Thank you very, very much.

-I'm glad you like it.

-You could use it when you're with Heather or when you miss Heather.

-That's the heather to go with this, for luck, yeah.

-Just stick it in the hole.

-Oh, my God.

That's so pretty.

-That's fantastic.

-It is.

I'm touched to have my own piece of Skye to take home, made of darling heather, no less.

-We'll go off and bless it.

-Ready to be blessed by the fairies.

-There you are.

-Now, we're leaving the fairy co-op car park.

And where better to bless a new magic wand than the depths of ancient Loch Cill?

Known as the Hairy Loch, for its bed of golden reeds, this body of water also comes with an occult history.

-This lock used to be cursed and then Saint Columba heard about the druids down here that were not drinking out of it, not using it, and he said, "Right, I'm going to go down there, I'm going to drink out of it in front of them."

And from that day on... -He died.

-...it became a healing [indistinct].

-You love stories, don't you?

-I do, Yes.

-Take our wands.

Take our staff.

-There we are.

-Bless them.

Great.

-There we are.

-Thank you very much.

-You're welcome.

-Was Columba a Scot?

-No, he was that saint with a raincoat.

and he was a private detective.

♪ -Don't go in too deep.

-No, I'm just going to place this there.

There we are.

All good luck and good fortune.

for the future.

-Thank you very much!

-Thanks, Trevor.

-Are [audio drop] cold?

-It's quite pleasant, actually, yes.

-Lovely.

I'm coming back because I love it here.

It's such a beautiful place.

I'd happily stay here all day, but Alan's made another appointment on the north of the island and he seems quite excited.

-♪ There was a wee cooper wha lived in Fife ♪ ♪ Nickety nackety nu nu nu ♪ [ Continues scat singing ] -Thank you.

-That could be a Eurovision Song Contest hit.

You know how they always have songs that don't mean anything, so that all the different countries will vote for them?

Like ""Boom Bang-a-Bang" and "La La Love."

-I haven't watched that since "Puppet on a String."

-Oh, that was a while ago.

-Is it an important event?

-It's an international event of great cultural importance and I like it because it's sort of everyone takes the piss out of it and mocks it and yet loves it at the same time.

I think that's a great sort of combination.

It's a bit like us.

-Oh, I see what you mean.

Ha ha!

-We're leaving the magic loch behind us in favor of the rugged coast, as I've heard tell of an intrepid nomad who travels all across Scotland, scavenging delicious delicacies from the waves.

And he's offered to take me with him.

-Rather you than me, darling.

-Hello.

Are you Jason?

-I am, indeed.

-Nice to meet you.

-You made it.

-Voilà!

-Thank you, love.

-This is Miriam.

-Hello, darling.

You're rather handsome.

-Oh, thank you, yeah.

-[ Laughs ] -Why have you got those dreadlocks?

-I thought I was eating too much seaweed.

That's what's done it to me.

-Oh, you're the king of seaweed, aren't you?

-Well, I'm definitely the seaweed guy.

That's what they call me, the seaweed guy.

But seaweed king?

Yeah, maybe I could take that.

-It appears Miriam has taken quite the shine to our seaweed king, but that doesn't mean she's going to follow him into the high seas.

-You're going to take my chum on the water, are you?

-I'm taking him out for an adventure.

-Yeah, well take care of him.

-Touch wood.

I've never lost anyone yet.

-Oh, there they go, surefooted as a mountain goat.

[ Laughs ] -Jason moved to Scotland from New Zealand over a decade ago and loves nothing more than dragging unsuspecting folk, like me... -I wonder if it's slippery.

-...off in search of obscure-tasting seaweed.

Crikey.

I hope he'll be alright.

What do you think about it, eh?

-This is our larder for the day.

-We can eat all this?

-You can pretty much eat everything here.

-So we're about to plunder the bounty of Skye now.

-So, that's perfect for you.

That's red seaweed.

Super high in iron.

-Delicious.

We don't normally eat it raw like that.

What people normally do is dry it out.

So, once it's been dried out, you can toast it off -Mm-hmm.

-...and it's actually got a nickname -- Bacon of the Ocean.

On my workshops, I've actually had vegans, like yourself, in tears, a little tear in one corner of their eye, because they're like, "I can eat bacon again.

-[ Laughs ] -Thank you."

-[ Laughs ] -I want you to try one more seaweed.

-Mmm.

It tastes like truffle.

-Exactly.

The nickname...

-What?!

-...for that one is Truffle of the Ocean.

You might notice a bit of pepperiness as well.

-That is delicious.

-I think we've got enough from this area, but I've got a real surprise for you where we're going to go to now.

Got something really rare.

It's a little bit harder to get to.

Maybe that wet suit might come in handy.

-That's why I'm wearing the wet suit.

Perfect!

I'm not sure my insurance covers stunt work.

-He's very near the edge.

-Right, you ready?

-Yes.

For some reason, I don't seem able to say no to Jason.

[ Hushed ] Aaaaah!

-Little bit of clambering to do.

-He's a bit of a lunatic, you know that?

-Oh, it's so cold.

-Here it is.

I can just see it.

Just under all that, yeah.

-Out of sight.

That's it.

That's it.

That's [indistinct].

You don't want to choke on those.

-Just the sandy bit in the middle?

-Take the bit in the middle, yeah.

-Again, delicious.

-Really nice sweetness.

-This has been great, but contact has been made.

Water contact's been made with downstairs.

-Well, the less I know, the better.

-[ Laughs ] Oh, my God.

Now, I didn't want Miriam to miss out on all the fun, so, I've whisked up a little seaweed stew.

-[ Coughs ] I'll be honest -- I'm not exactly salivating at the prospect and even Lala doesn't look that tempted.

-I'm nervous.

-Mmm!

Isn't it good?!

-Oh, my God, it is delicious.

-I'm really impressed.

-Mm!

It's also nice to eat something that you have foraged yourself.

-Got for yourself.

-And you've got into freezing cold water and your testicles shrunk for.

-Did they shrink?

-Way, way up, yeah.

-Oh.

-They're still up there.

♪ -Cattle grid!

-Cattle grid [indistinct].

[ Tires scraping ] -Oh, I'm sad to be going.

-I love that you've kind of reignited your connection with Skye.

And you will return.

-In a big way!

I didn't remember it as being as beautiful as it is.

That's the funny thing.

My memory, of course, was was focused on Heather.

-Right.

-This time...Skye... ...has filled the sky.

But now we're on the final stage of our Scottish journey and must leave behind the beauty of the islands to head south again.

As we look ahead to the place where most actors set their sights, a huge stepping stone for both Alan and I, and a place where our careers really took off.

I still find it hard to believe that we're going to America.

-Me too.

I never saw that as my trajectory.

And also, I think the fact that I did have this entire life before I went really stands you in good stead because you have a healthy perspective on it.

-Yeah.

That's not being your norm.

-Well, I knew, when I won an award in America, I thought, "Now is the moment.

I'm going."

-Oh, yes, strike.

They love success.

-Because they love success.

They're frightened to death of failure.

-Yeah.

-Fat and failure terrify them.

[ Laughter ] And, at that time, I didn't have failure.

I had fat already.

-[ Laughs ] Bless you.

-I've got one more surprise for you before we go to America.

-What is it?

-I'm not going to tell you.

And then, after that, America, here we come.

-Hollywood, here we come.

-Again.

Again.

-California, here we come.

-I'm quite interested to see how we go down.

-You seem to have had no trouble going down in the past, according to your memoir, so.

-Well, that's a while ago, darling.

My knees are not what they were.

[ Laughter ] -I do love surprises.

All I know is that we're heading south to Glasgow.

-Where better to end our Scottish adventures than where it all began last year?

I might cry because we're coming back to Glasgow.

I love it so much.

-The memories.

-Memories of my youth, my parents, things that we used to do.

It's one of my happiest places.

-I have such fond memories of Glasgow because, you know, this is where I came at 17.

Just a little green, little country boy.

I just loved it.

I love a city that's a real character and a personality and kind of, in a way, why I like New York in the same way, because everyone's got an opinion.

Everyone talks to each other.

There's great humor and I just love that.

-Well, nowhere quite encapsulates the character of Alan and I like our final stop-off.

Right round the corner from where my Scottish relatives lived, a startling new café has opened.

Welcome to the pink peacock, a Jewish vegan anarchist queer café.

-If ever a place had our name on it.

-Well, this is right in the area where my grandparents lived.

-What would your granddad have thought?

-He'd have been worried, [ Laughter ] I think, been surprised.

-Pink peacock mocktails.

-Thank you.

And chocolate babka.

-Oh, my gosh.

And lemon halva.

-I don't want that.

-Oh, halva, delicious.

Oh, Lala's interested now.

-[ Laughs ] -Oh, my God.

Delicious.

Anarchist halva.

-[ Laughs ] I can't get over this queer thing.

-[ Laughs ] -Because, when I was young... -You have to deal with it.

-...you were queer.

Then it suddenly -- -We're not going away.

It wasn't okay to -- -Oh, the word queer.

-The word.

-Ah, right.

Yes, it's been reclaimed.

What, there was a while where queer was a bad word?

-Mm!

I've never been to a place like this before.

-[ Laughs ] -I've got lots of questions for the guy who runs it.

-Let's have him back.

-Can we ask you about your journey, or is that off-limits?

-No, no, not by me.

It's fine.

I'm nonbinary.

I use he/him pronouns.

I like playing with gender stuff.

I like wearing makeup.

I like being trans.

-That's how it should be.

I'm happy you're trans.

-Thank you.

[ Laughs ] -I would've liked you, whichever bit of you was on view at that moment.

-Oh, thanks.

-I've never been fluid.

-Have you never like dressed up as a man?

-Oh, yes, I have, but not because I wanted to.

I would do it if I got paid for it.

[ Laughter ] Which I imagine you're not.

How old are you?

-Thirty-three.

But I look younger because I'm trans.

-Oh, sweetheart, you look gorgeous.

-Thank you.

-You do look younger.

Of course you do.

I don't look 81, do I?

-You sure don't, no.

I think there really is like a queer fountain of youth that we're all sipping from -It's because we're gay that we look young.

-Yeah.

-Gay is the new Botox.

-[ Laughs ] Shall I blow the shofar?

-Yes!

-Okay.

-What is that?

-That doesn't mean [audio drop] off the driver.

-[ Laughs ] -The shofar's a ceremonial Jewish instrument used to remind us to stay humble in the face of God.

Traditionally, it's a ram's horn.

This is not a ram's horn.

-Yes, it is.

-Oh, it is!

-It's just got a casing on it.

Sort of this way.

-Take a big breath and don't blow it in my ear.

♪ -Yay!

Bravo.

[ Clapping ] -Oh!

-Thank you.

-Wonderful!

I love that.

-You like that, Lala?

-Okay.

-I did not think I was going to hear that.

-Oh, I'm so glad I could make that happen for you.

-That is wonderful.

-Rousing.

-Sound of my youth.

-Oh, Miriam, are you getting all teary?

Tsk.

-It's wonderful that somebody can make that noise in this little place.

Honestly, it made me cry.

-I know.

That was so sweet.

Shall I sing a song?

-Are you going to sing?

-There's this little song about a Scotland sojourn.

-We've had a wonderful time.

-We have.

-You've shown me amazing things.

-And likewise.

-[ Laughs ] The perfect moment to sing an iconic Scottish ballad.

In my opinion, anyway.

♪ I don't know if you can see ♪ ♪ The changes that have come over me ♪ ♪ In these last few days ♪ ♪ I've been afraid ♪ ♪ That I might drift away ♪ ♪ Let me tell you that I love you ♪ ♪ And I think about you all the time ♪ ♪ Caledonia, you're calling me ♪ ♪ And now I'm going home ♪ ♪ But if I should become a stranger ♪ ♪ Know that it would make me more than sad ♪ ♪ Caledonia's been everything I've ever had ♪ ♪ Caledonia's been everything ♪ ♪ I've ever ♪ ♪ Had ♪ [ Applause ] -Yay!

-Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, mate.

Beautifully played.

-Gorgeous.

-Thanks.

America, here we come.

-Oh, crikey.

[ Laughter ] -So, off we go!

5,000 miles west to the grand old U.S. of A and the Sunshine Coast.

Next up, California, baby!

Here we go again.

-I moved to California in the mid-'80s after the success of my role in the film adaptation of Dickens' "Little Dorrit."

I won an award and was invited back several times to "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."

Exciting times.

-And a decade later, I made my big entrance to New York with a Tony Award-winning Broadway performance in the musical "Cabaret" and Hollywood beckoned me, too.

♪ -So, now, Alan and I are reliving those times, as our American adventure over the next few weeks will take us from Central Los Angeles to the iconic beaches on the coast.

-From there, we'll cruise down to Santa Barbara, then onwards through the desert to Palm Springs, finally, ending our epic road trip in Sin City.

-But we're starting in the home of the silver screen, where fame, excess, and money abound -- the epitome of the American dream.

-With a population of around 3.9 million and covering more than 460 square miles, this city is home to famed locations from Beverly Hills to Mulholland and Rodeo Drives.

Plus, the odd trailer park, of course.

-Is that our car?

-Yay!

-Oh, it's a proper Winnebago.

[ Whimsical suspenseful tune plays ] What?!

-Hey!

-Now, you don't get that in Scotland.

-Hey!

You don't!

Even the late queen didn't have that.

-[ Laughs ] A new RV.

Wow!

Look at this.

-Yeehaw!

-A new adventure.

America, gird your loins.

Shall we hit the road?

-Exciting.

Oh, [audio drop] me, I'm going to the right side.

But we're heading to the place Miriam first called home -- Santa Monica.

We're in California!

Here we are on Highland Avenue, having just come from the Highlands of Scotland.

-[ Laughs ] Yes!

Very strange experience, coming back.

-How long is it since you been?

-Fifteen years.

What?!

Crikey Nike.

-It's like a bottle being uncorked!

So many memories are flooding back.

That's the academy.

-That's the academy.

Where we've both been overlooked many, many times.

That's where I had my tattoo removed.

-Was it painful?

-Very.

Right on my groin.

-On your groin?!

[Indistinct]!

That's where I used to go for [indistinct].

It's a great place.

-I'm a bit hungry.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-I know where I'm going to take you.

I'm showing Alan an area of L.A. renowned for muscles, beautiful people, and, not surprisingly, the main filming location for "Baywatch."

And my old stomping ground, Santa Monica.

You wait.

-I can't!

I can't!

I'm so excited!

What was that movie?

-And there's the sea.

You can see it now.

-I can smell the sea air.

-We're going to lunch at a place that I went to every single week, my absolute home from home.

Away from the hustle and bustle of Santa Monica Pier, this secluded café was an institution for us locals, one of the only cafés in Santa Monica right on the sands.

This is great!

-There we go.

This is civilized.

Why didn't we have that in Scotland?

-Because -- -Give me that.

-Everything's bigger and better in America.

-It's just the same!

-Is it?

-It's just the [audio drop] same!

It wasn't just the stunning beach view that kept me coming back.

There was one special person that made me feel so welcome.

-Hi, Miriam!

-Rona!

-Yes.

-She always used to serve me.

-Yeah.

-And, usually, I had a big party.

-Yeah, you did, a loud, big party.

-They're all [audio drop] dead, dear.

-[ Laughs ] -That's the trouble.

Like hundreds and thousands of Scots, Rona's made the USA her home and she's been serving customers in this restaurant for 29 years.

-Used to have this table right here.

-That's right.

-This was your table.

-That's right.

-Mm-hmm.

-How do you remember that?

-I remember a wild group.

[ Laughter ] -It's so amazing to see you.

[ Laughing ] I never thought I'd ever see you again.

-She used to have a group of people.

It was always a group of them.

-For your Sunday lunch?

-And it was a joyous table.

-Yeah, I used to live up there, in Santa Monica Bay Towers.

-Where are you from, Rona?

-I'm from Kelso, on the... -In the Borders.

-...Borders, yeah.

-What brought you here?

Were you escaping an affair or something?

-No, no, I just thought it was time for a change.

It was time to move on.

I had a cousin out here.

She's a flight attendant out here now and we stayed.

I stayed.

-Do many Scottish people come to this café?

-Oh, yes, uh-huh.

-Do they?

-In Santa Monica, there's a lot of Scottish people in Santa Monica.

-Are there?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Do you miss Scotland?

-Yes.

Kelso's like a nice little town.

It's nice and, you know, friendly, clean.

-Well, Scotland is still civilized.

-Yeah.

-This is not a civilized place and England is not civilized.

England is [audio drop] now.

I'm sorry.

-"England's [audio drop]."

That'd actually be the new tourist board slogan.

[ Laughter ] "England's [audio drop]."

-I know you want to get off.

-Alright.

Perfect.

-So good to meet you.

-And you!

Thank you.

-Thank you, darling.

Bye-bye.

-Yes.

Best Rona removes herself before she's dragged into an anti-English imbroglio.

-Is that for us?

-Yes.

-Wha!

-Thank you very much.

-Ooh, delicious.

-Here you are.

-Wow.

Look at the size of that, madam.

-Wasn't she lovely?

-So nice.

I'm excited to be here.

I haven't been in California for ages.

And also, guess what I'm most looking forward to.

Getting this [audio drop] hair cut off!

-Oh, gosh, so am I.

-Aaaaaaah!

And we're doing that tomorrow.

-[ Laughing ] I've asked if I can have a trim as well.

-Have you?

-Yes.

-Also, Ermahn, who's doing it, is an eyebrow expert.

It's a great thing.

-But you don't need any eyebrow work.

-One can always do with a little bit of eyebrow sculpting.

-My eyebrows are perfect.

They're the most perfect part of my face.

-[ Laughs ] -Don't [audio drop] say a word.

Is that clear?

-Miriam, you are perfect.

I wouldn't change a thing.

[ Jaunty tune plays ] ♪ -Why did we come to Hollywood?

-We came to Hollywood because we -- -I mean, look at that!

The Kardashians 40 feet high.

-I know.

-I don't want to look at those sort of people.

-I know.

That's what it's come to.

-I have standards!

[ Whimsical tune plays ] -Thankfully, we are not here to discuss the merits -- or otherwise -- of billionaire reality stars.

-No, that's true.

We're here on one mission -- to sort out your god-awful hair!

-We've made a quick stop-off at the illustrious private members' club the Astor, to see makeup and hair artist to the stars.

Ermahn Ospina.

-Ermahn!

-Hello!

-How are you, papi?

-I'm well.

How are you?

-Good.

-Hi!

-This is Miriam.

-Hello.

How nice to meet you.

-Very nice to meet you as well.

-He's coifed everyone from Salma Hayek to Amal Clooney and today... -[ Scat singing fanfare ] Oops.

-...he's getting rid of Alan's theatrical extensions.

-I just can't bear another day with them!

-And neither can I!

What an utter relief for both of us!

Thank you, Ermahn.

[ Buzzing ] It's [audio drop] awful now, [ Laughter ] but it will be okay.

-Got the last extension out.

[ Gasps ] Look at my hair!

[ Laughter ] ♪ It's Saturday night ♪ ♪ On Broadway ♪ -Okay, so are you ready for this?

-I'm ready.

You've taken it all off.

-[ Laughs ] I have.

-It's good!

-Showbiz.

Thanks, Miriam.

-I am really pleased.

-Ermahn, thanks so much.

I really love you and love you for doing this.

-Of course.

-And I love my new look.

Okay, there's no point having a Hollywood makeover and not showing it off, so, it's time to get out of the city and head to those famous poser beaches with their bare skin and glistening muscles.

-And that's just me!

-I'm looking forward to a little bit of beach time.

This is my first time driving as a blond in many's a long year.

-[ Laughs ] -We're taking a day trip north to the stunning city of Santa Barbara, a beautiful jewel of the Californian coastline.

-Often described as the American Riviera, Santa Barbara is known for its gloriously warm weather and vast sandy beaches.

And, as one of the wealthiest cities in the state, it's no surprise it's also a hot spot for celebs.

Mm, not sure I'll fit in.

[ Laughter ] This is pretty around here.

-Nice!

Santa Barbara.

-I'm really glad I'm out of L.A. -Me too!

Having left behind the Scottish climate, we're desperate to get some sun.

Should be nice to swim in the sea for -- You know, when your muscles have been a bit stressed, it's always nice to -- -I think it'll be very cold.

-Probably -- -I don't like being very cold.

-I'm sure it won't be boiling, but you see people swimming.

And you can't come to Californi-ay -[Both] and not -- -not be at a beach.

-Right.

-No, it's lovely and the sea is blue.

Oh!

-Lovely.

-Lovely!

-Look at that.

-Lovely!

-So nice.

Looks inviting, don't you think?

-It does.

-I can smell the sea air!

Ooh!

-Oh, God!

It's coming nearer.

-Ooh, Lala!

Come on, Lala.

-It's coming in!

Ha ha!

-[ Laughs ] Oh, my God.

-You know the word that begins with "F"?

-Yes.

-That's how cold it is.

[ Laughter ] -I think the word you're looking for is bracing.

-Well, I know you can go in.

I don't think I want to.

-I think I might have a go.

-Your body's lovely.

It's a sort of -- I'd like your body.

-[ Laughs ] [ Mellow jazz plays ] ♪ -Wow!

What do you think, Lala, eh?

Shy and retiring as ever.

It's exactly like "Baywatch."

-Ah.

-She was a bit worried for you.

-Oh, you got a little wet face.

-What was it like?

-It's delicious.

-But it was cold.

And the waves are a bit strong.

-I feel invigorated.

And even Miriam is beginning to relax.

-I'm just going to lift a buttock.

That's better.

-I'm so glad I was here for that.

[ Laughter ] Oh, look at those birds.

-Oh, that's wonderful.

They're white pelicans.

They're friends.

So nice after L.A. -Yeah.

-But you need money to have a nice house here.

-Look at us, living the high life.

[ Whimsical suspenseful tune plays ] -I may not be able to run like beach babe Alan, but nature is definitely calling.

I think I want to wee-wee.

So, I'm going to wee-wee in the sea.

Is that okay?

-I'm fine with it.

-I mean, nobody minds, do they?

-I'll just get my knickers off.

♪ ♪ -Thar she blows!

♪ -Oh!

-Ooh!

-[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] Oh, that was so funny.

Let me think.

I might have some more wee-wee.

-My God.

-Alright.

-Alright.

-That was so funny!

-[ Laughs ] [ Laughs ] Well, I shan't forget this.

-Believe me, I will never forget this.

[ Laughter ] -Well, it's all got out of hand and we've only been here 24 hours.

-I just wanted a pee.

-I know.

-I didn't want to be catapulted into the ocean.

[ Jaunty jazz plays ] It's gone right up the crack.

-And even more delightful, I get to deliver these to Ms. Margolyes.

-Oops!

-[ Laughs ] Here, look, Miriam's knickers, Miriam's knickers.

♪ -Well, we won't forget that.

[ Laughter ] [ Whimsical tune plays ] -On the next leg of our American odyssey... -I get my first introduction to California's fastest-growing industry.

-She was never seen again.

[ Laughter ] And I get an introduction to Miriam's long lost cousin.

-I couldn't stand him when I first came across him.

-"Dear Evan, I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but I just don't have time [ Laughing ] for you in my life."

-And Alan gives me some fashion tips in Palm Springs.

-What about harnesses?

-Oh, my goodness!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪