female announcer: "Pure Laughter" is brought to you by: the Law Offices of David P. Shapiro; The Mental Bar; A7D Creative Group, branding, marketing, printing, and web services.

♪♪♪♪♪ San Diego College of Continuing Education, committing to student success and community enrichment.

♪♪♪♪♪ Tania Adami; Dea Hurston; and viewers like you.

Thank you.

male: Check, check.

Checking, checking.

announcer: Welcome to "Pure Laughter" featuring the funniest acts in clean comedy today.

Tonight, opener Peter Sers can best be described as infectious energy.

Peter Sers: Go to a super bowl party with a bag of pretzels and watch the looks that people give you.

announcer: Featured comedian Kevin Davis, known as the Marine of Comedy, delivers humor with military precision and wit.

Kevin Davis: My first haircut in boot camp was crazy.

When I got done he patted me on the head, gave me a lollipop.

Told me I should have joined the army.

announcer: Headliner Lamont Ferguson is an international award-winning comic that can best be described as intelligent and relatable.

Lamont Ferguson: I enjoy cranking it so much, I look forward to being crotchety.

That's when you turn on the sprinklers on Halloween night.

announcer: Now, please welcome your host and favorite clean comic, Mark Christopher Lawrence.

[audience applauding] Mark Christopher Lawrence: Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming out.

You know, San Diego is such a beautiful place.

We want to welcome you to "Pure Laughter."

Mark: My comedy style is that of a storyteller and I think it works in clean comedy mainly because it's like you're telling these stories that are relatable universally, you know, it gives you an opportunity to craft your stories around whatever, you know?

And I tend to choose things in my life.

Mark: Oh, man, I'm so glad y'all came out.

So, so glad to see your smiling happy faces.

It's good to see good-looking people.

Y'all are good looking.

Look around the room.

There's beautiful people out here.

Y'all are very good look--I was in Santee last night.

The ugly people showed up.

There's a guy down front.

Eye here, one here.

Blinked at different times.

He was like, "Boy, are you funny!"

You too, sir.

But good to see you.

Lots of good-looking couples, you know, all hugged up down front.

How long y'all been together?

Twelve years, you know, hang in there.

After six, you pretty much know that this is gonna have to be the one.

After six, that's like a car test drive gone wrong.

You are well beyond, after 6 years, well beyond kicking the tires and checking under the hood.

I joke about dating.

So I lost my girl recently and we're in the mall looking at some shoes-- turn around, she was gone.

I waited at the car 15, 20 minutes.

I don't know what the rule is, but she didn't show up.

I figured this is my opportunity to escape.

But I'm glad y'all showed up tonight.

We have a fantastic show tonight.

Are you ready to have a good time?

We have a fantastic show.

Coming to the stage is a young man that I've worked with, wow, just a few months ago, out in-- out in Oregon.

He was so funny, I knew that I had to get him here for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for my good friend, Peter Sers.

Peter: I've been in comedy for 10 years.

I answered an ad in the paper that said, "Are you funny?

Do people think you're funny?

Have you always wanted to try stand-up?

Do you have people that will come watch you do stand-up?"

And I answered Yes, I called the number, and then before I knew it, I was on stage.

Once I'm on stage, people understand that I love being up there and I like to perform.

I probably move around a lot.

Probably jump around a lot, yell a lot.

So it's definitely a lot of high energy.

I love telling stories.

I always try to find eyes and just connect with people.

See how my eyes and see that I'm telling--I'm telling my stories-- I'm telling the truth, mostly.

Peter: What's going on?

Where are we?

Solana Beach?

Ah, this is great, man.

I'm happy to be here.

I'm gonna start my set with an unpopular opinion.

I don't think everybody should be allowed to have kids.

Oh, that's like 50-50.

That's better than I usually get.

I get tired, like, you know, we're on social media and people post like, "Hey, we're having a baby."

Let's be honest, every single person in this room knows somebody that at some point has been like, "Hey, we're having a baby," and you're like, "Oh no."

I'm gonna run for office in a few years because, let's be honest, at this point, anyone can run for office in this country.

That's gonna be my platform when I run for office.

Maybe you guys can vote for me, but that's gonna be my platform.

If you wanna make this country better, just start putting restrictions on who's allowed to have kids, okay?

I already have a list.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I'm gonna run--I gotta get my campaign ready.

I'm gonna run for office and this is gonna be my list and this is, I just want you guys to know, this is not in any order of importance, but these are the people that I think should not be allowed to have kids and then we're gonna make this country better, ready?

First group of people that I think should not be allowed to have kids, anybody that doesn't know the difference between the words, "your" and "you're" shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

Those people are stupid, dude.

Okay, that's a third-grade education.

Why would any stupid people have kids?

The best part about that joke is that I know for a fact, not everybody gets it.

Yeah, you guys are stupid.

I hope you don't have kids.

Don't even get me started on there, their, and they're, because their heads will explode.

Next group of people that I think should not be allowed to have kids, again, unpopular.

People that stand the second the plane lands should not be allowed to have kids, dude, okay?

Yeah, you guys are all horrible people.

Everybody on the plane hates you, okay?

You know who I'm talking about.

The plane lands and they--where are you going?

Is this your first flight?

Because if it's not your first flight, you should know we're gonna be on the runway for a few minutes.

Sit down.

And then there's some of those people, they stand up and they try to inch their way to the front when it's not their turn.

Yeah, I will box them out.

Dude, get out of here.

I work out just so I could block those people from walking up when it's not their turn.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Cool.

There's somebody in this room that stands up the second the plane lands, I know.

I got more, I got more.

Okay, next group of people that I think should not be allowed to have kids: people with tattoos on their face.

I'm sorry, they should not be allowed to have kids.

Thank you, four people that agree.

You make bad decisions.

Why are you gonna be responsible for a life for 18 years?

A tattoo on your face?

Big tattoo face crowd here in Solano Beach.

I don't know if you have--this is like almost San Diego, right?

I don't know quite where I am, but I know I thought I was going to San Diego and then I didn't.

So I passed--I passed, you know, the two--the two breasts on the freeway and I was like, I'm going to San Diego.

My point was I don't know if you guys have these people here.

I live in LA, so we definitely have these people, okay?

You may have seen them.

Like I said, I don't know.

But you see these people and they drive around and they're in their cars and they're by themselves in their cars and for some reason they still have their mask on inside the car.

Why are you driving around town in your car by yourself with a mask on 3 years later, dude?

What are you doing?

Who are you protecting from germs at that point?

The steering wheel?

For real, if you--if you're one of those people, you should not be allowed to have kids, dude, okay?

Because your kids are gonna be soft.

You know what I'm talking about?

Some of you guys are raising a generation of soft kids, okay?

Who wants to admit they have some soft kids?

There's people here that have soft kids.

Let's be honest, right?

Some of you guys probably have kids with peanut allergies.

Dude, get out of here.

That's as soft as it comes, dude.

If you have a kid with a peanut allergy, you're probably driving around town by yourself in the car with a mask on.

Those kids have ruined flying for the rest of us for the rest of our lives, right?

We all remember, right, everyone's old enough, I feel like, we all remember back in the day we used to hop on a plane.

What was the best part of flying?

They would have gave you peanuts.

Now they give you pretzels because of those stupid kids.

Nobody wants pretzels.

That's the most boring snack in the world, dude.

You know how I know this, okay?

We all like super bowl parties.

Even if we don't like football, we go to super bowl parties.

Go to a super bowl party with a bag of pretzels and watch the looks that people give you.

Boring.

All because of one kid has a peanut allergy.

I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

I'm Mexican, okay?

Peanut allergies.

Thank you, one person.

I got the one Mexican here.

Me and you are right here.

Two Mexicans.

Okay, hola.

Peanut allergies.

That's white people stuff.

Mexican kids do not have peanut allergies.

And if they do, we don't care.

Thank you guys so much.

My name is Peter Sers.

Have a good night.

Bye.

Mark: Give it up for Peter Sers.

We're gonna keep this show moving right along, though.

Are you ready for the next comic?

Next comic comes to the stage, works all over the country.

He--you may have seen him in commercials.

He's Kevin Davis, the Marine of Comedy.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.

[audience applauding] Kevin: Comedy has always been in my life because I grew up, I was kinda small, very skinny.

So unless you was funny in the hood, you got beat up.

So I was funny, you know, I was real funny.

I didn't get beat up at all.

Matter of fact, all my best friends was big dudes because I was funny.

But going in the Marine Corps, the Marine Corps is such a serious branch of the service, nobody would expect you to transition into comedy.

But I taught at the recruiter school in San Diego and the recruiting stuff was very dry.

So I just started adding humor to it.

So once I got out one day, I was sitting, I think I was 53 years old and I was sitting on the side of the bed and I said, "I'm gonna do comedy," and then I just did it.

I never looked back.

Kevin: This is gonna be the ARPA, the AA--it's gonna be the old part of the show.

This is--yeah, this is gonna be the old part.

Let me just get this out of the way.

I got bad knees, a collapsed lung, I'm a diabetic, and my memory ain't what it used to be, but we gonna get back to that.

Don't worry about that.

I wanna give it up to all the beautiful people that came out tonight, give yourselves a round of applause.

And I see a couple of ugly ones slipped in here.

Don't be embarrassed.

It ain't your fault.

Probably got your looks from your parents.

Think about it.

Everybody can't be cute.

I mean sta--stat--the numbers say one out of four people are ugly.

So if you're looking at three people and you can't figure out who it is, congratulations.

We can't get hung up on looks though.

Let's not get hung up on looks.

Think about this: Beauty fades, ugly lasts forever.

So if you're attractive, enjoy it.

If you're ugly, well, at least you got your personality.

Let me introduce myself real quick.

My name is actually Kevin Davis.

I'm known as the Marine of Comedy, and that's because I was actually in the Marine Corps for over 20 years, because some people are just born to be Marines and I can honestly say I wasn't one of them.

Actually, the Marine Corps was not even my first choice.

I grew up in the mean streets of South Philadelphia.

It was rough.

It was rough in my city.

We had crime, murders, burglaries.

And that was at the elementary school.

My neighborhood was so rough, the crossing guards carried pistols.

You didn't want to jaywalk out there.

Our school mascot was a chalk outline of a body.

You may have seen it.

It was on "First 48."

We getting popular.

But when you grow up in an environment like that, you don't want to be a Marine.

You wanna be a gangster.

Unfortunately, when you graduate from a performing art school with a varsity letter in tennis and you standing 5'6," weighing 98 pounds, not exactly gangster credentials.

No, no, I was not the poster child for the United States Marine Corps.

I looked more like the poster child of the before of "Hunger or Us" or "Feed the Children."

Now, I was a little fellow.

I'm gonna tell you right now when I went to boot camp, they didn't even have a camouflage utilities to fit me.

They--the smallest men's size was a 26 waist.

I was still wearing a 14 husky.

I was the only Marine on base that had cammies designed by Oshkosh B'Gosh.

My first haircut in boot camp was crazy.

My first haircut, the barber put me on a booster seat.

When I got done, he patted me on the head and gave me a lollipop.

Told me I should have joined the army.

Salvation Army.

Oh, they treated me bad, man.

They treated me bad.

But I loved being a Marine, man.

I loved serving this country.

I loved serving time for you right there.

Give it up for all my veterans in here.

Where my veterans at?

I'm getting old though, man.

I'm getting old.

And I know I'm getting old and this is how you can tell you're getting old.

You know how you know you're getting old?

When the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you getting old when the candles cost more than the cake, or when you got so many candles, you gotta have a oxygen bottle on the side.

Because last year we lit up 61 candles, almost burnt the house down.

But I'm getting old, man.

My body is breaking down.

I got all kind of ailments and stuff.

I'm lactose intolerant.

I got bad knees.

I got a collapsed lung.

I'm a diabetic.

And my memory, it ain't what it used to be.

I can't do the stuff I used to do.

Like, when I was a young man, I could jump off this stage.

When I was in the marines, I jumped out of planes.

Now, I can't jump out of bed.

I can't even jump for joy.

Last week I threw my back out, jumping to a conclusion.

I'm all messed up.

My body is breaking down.

I got all kinds of ailments.

I'm lactose intolerant.

I got bad knees, a collapsed lung.

I'm a diabetic.

And my memory... it ain't what it used to be.

On top of all of that, I'm also...

I'm lactose intolerant, I got bad knees, a collapsed lung.

I'm a diabetic.

And my memory, it ain't what it used to be.

I got, like, ten things wrong with me.

I'm all messed up.

Tell me if this has ever happened to anybody in here before.

You ever run up the steps, you get to the top and then forget why you went up there?

You be walking back and forth because you ain't going back down, right?

Then, something remind you.

Oh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

That's when you're young.

When you're older, it's a different experience.

You run up the steps, you get to the top, you forget why you went up.

Then you look at and realize, "Dang, I'm in the wrong house."

But you still use the bathroom, yeah.

I don't know why I told that joke because I can't run up steps because I got bad knees.

I got a collapsed lung.

I'm a diabetic.

And my memory, it ain't what it used to be.

I got three boys, three.

One, yeah, one is 34, one is 18, and one is 9.

My oldest one got three boys, ironically, just like me.

Now, I love my three sons, but I only like two of them.

Now, the law says you got to feed them and provide, you ain't gotta like them.

I like two of my sons and I'm gonna tell you all why.

My son cannot learn his alphabet.

He has struggled to learn his alphabets.

Most kids learn their alphabets before preschool.

Not my son.

My son is alphabetically deficient.

It's not working out for him.

He's having a rough time.

The other day, his mom called me, excited.

She said, "You gotta come, you gotta come.

He can do his alphabets."

So I grabbed my middle son and my gun because we was going to Santee.

And I told my son, let's go witness this miracle because you know it's bad when the alphabets become a family intervention.

So we get in the car, we shoot over there.

My son jumps right into the alphabets.

He goes, "A, B, C, D, E, F, 7, 11, 12, 13."

I said, "Oh, ho, woo.

Hold up, son.

That's not it."

I said, "Son, do you know that that is wrong?"

My son looked confused but he said...

I said, Son, do you know you just said, "A, B, C, D, E, F, 7, 11, 12, 13"?

My son nodded again.

I looked at his middle brother and I said, "That boy gonna be getting government checks."

I can say that about my child.

You know what I mean?

It's my kid.

His mom jumps into the conversation.

"Don't say that about him.

You have to be positive.

You have to positively reinforce."

I said, "Okay, he positively gonna be getting government checks."

She said, "No, that's not how you do it."

And she looks at my son and this was her exact words.

She said, "Junior, you know 11 don't come after 7."

And I said, "Seven damn sure don't come after F." She goes, "There you go again.

You are so negative, you are just so negative.

You have to be positive, you know that they get smarter when they get older."

I said, "Baby, he's 34."

That's my time, y'all, have a great evening.

[audience applauding] Mark: Give it up for Kevin Davis, the Marine of Comedy.

Are you having a great time?

We're gonna keep it moving right along.

Coming to the stage is your headliner.

He has a special on Amazon Prime.

He's worked for George Carlin.

Put your hands together for my good friend, Lamont Ferguson.

Lamont: I've always been fascinated by the science of comedy.

If you have a funny friend, your funny friend tells a story, but you know that friend.

So everybody gets where that person is coming from and you go up in front of a group of strangers and you tell the story.

At the end of that story, more times than not, that friend will have to go, "I guess you had to be there."

Our job as a stand-up comic is to make the audience be there.

The things I see, I get a little fired up, I'm a little cranky about a lot of stuff.

That's probably what inspires me as I always tell my wife that I can't leave the house and come back without something happening because every day of my life is a "Lucy" episode.

Every day is the chocolates coming down the conveyor belt, I'm stomping in the wine vat.

Every time I leave the house, there's something that will get me a little bit miffed about how things are done.

Lamont: Solano Beach, finally.

It's been a very interesting evening, the diversity of the show, my goodness.

The black population alone in Solana Beach is booming, just from this show alone.

I like driving up here.

I like how you get closer to the water, more pretentious you are about where you live.

Solana Beach.

We get it, beach.

You got to put "Beach" in the title, then here at the North Coast-- okay, we get it.

You live by the water.

All right, we get it.

Cardiff-by-the-Sea, that's another one.

Like come on, we get it.

You have money, all right.

My favorite: Carlsbad.

They're like, we don't even care.

We're not--we know where we are, we're right here.

This is gonna be a little different.

Like I said, the show is gonna take a little turn.

Are there young people here?

Are there?

Where?

I guess I'd have to say what a number of young people would be.

Let's go 30, anyone 30?

Okay, all right.

We weeded them out with the price point and the time of the show.

Some of you are a little slow but this is the show.

This is what's happening right now.

It's me talking to you, okay?

I've done this a long, long time.

I've done stand-up since I was 17 years old.

That would be 40 years.

I know, I know, it's hard to tell because black don't crack.

But look, I'm 58 years old.

I turned 58 in May and I've had a very, very blessed career, my friend.

I have been on the "Tonight Show" a handful of times.

I've had comedy specials.

As was mentioned, one that's out on Amazon Prime right now called "You Had All Day."

I have opened for Steve Harvey, George Lopez, the legendary late George Carlin, to name a few.

No BS here.

I've opened twice for the artist formerly known as Bill Cosby.

That is the truth and that meant a lot more 15 years ago.

I have been nominated for an Emmy.

I tell you these things to let you know that I'm not really here for your approval.

I already know that I'm funny.

Now, I'm not kidding you.

You can stare all you want to, you're lucky I'm here.

Now, look, normally I do, I start the show by talking to the young people and telling the young people, apologizing to them, and saying that I am an old man and I'll be talking about old man things and I--and I apologize to the young people upfront for that because they don't like the old people and they don't like the old people things and here's the thing about it.

No one prepares you for anything that happens when you get older, at all.

Did you know?

I mean, you guys know, that part of being a responsible adult, being a responsible adult is mailing your poop to a stranger.

That's part of it.

Mailing it to a stranger.

Have you been to the post office?

Have you seen the list of things you're not allowed to send in the mail?

Yet, somehow this makes it through.

What is that?

You got batteries?

Get out of here, you terrorist.

What have you got there?

Perfume--no.

What have you got, sir?

"I've got feces in an envelope."

It goes right in this slot.

There is no preparation.

If I could tell the young people anything, don't get old, right?

They can work on all the technology they want to but do not get old.

So many things you have no idea what's coming down the pipe.

Fifty-eight, that's not even that old.

And I've had old people ailments: sciatica.

I don't even know what that is.

Had that.

I had the shingles.

Like, when you go to the doctor, when the doctor just goes, "Uh, this happens," that's old.

And you have young people things, they go, "Well, this is what happens."

If you get to the point they just go, "This happens when you're getting old."

Go to the doctor, you gotta go for a physical.

Young people, you don't go to a doctor, they don't go to a doctor.

You gotta be dying before you go to the doctor when you're young and we don't go to the doctor because we know we're dying.

When you get older, all you do is collect doctors.

That's really all you do, right?

That's all, that's all life is, is just collecting doctors.

I got a cardiologist, I got a gastrointestinal guy.

I got a doctor that just works on left elbows.

That's all she does.

She's just left elbow doctor.

You need right elbows, that's a different person.

That's what that is.

I don't like going.

You like going?

No, no one likes going because it's never good news once you get to a certain age, right?

Never good news.

When I got to be 40, now, here's the thing.

I am kind of set in my ways, all right?

That's what I am at this point.

Having done stand-up for this long, if you want to describe what my style of comedy is best describe it as cranky.

That's the best way to describe it.

Not angry.

Cranky, cranky is different.

Angry is like Louis Farrakhan, nation of Islam leader.

That brother's angry.

That's not me.

I'm cranky--remember as a little kid used to play outside?

I'm the old man that keeps the ball when it goes in his yard.

That's who I am.

I enjoy cranking it so much, I look forward to being crotchety.

That's when you turn on the sprinklers on Halloween night.

Now, when I went in for my first physical, first check, the prostate physical, sir, this is what I thought was gonna happen.

What I thought.

"Mr. Ferguson, just relax.

It'll just take a second.

Please just relax.

It'll just take a sec."

But that's what I thought.

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

I am highly disappointed on what little fight my -- put up.

Now, look.

Dare I say "accommodating"?

Now look here, and I know young people are like, "No, not me.

I'm gonna squeeze real tight, snap his fingers off."

No, you're not.

No, you're not.

There's a no--there's no story in a medical journal where they go at the jaws of life for somebody's behind.

Didn't happen.

So I don't like going to the doctor.

I don't like it.

And here's the thing, like I said, there's never good news.

It's always just, "Ah, come back in a few months and we'll go over the state of the decay."

I don't like the doctor because we've got to start with the weigh in.

That's my problem.

I don't like that.

Why we start with the weigh in?

We start with the weigh in.

Here's my problem with the weigh in.

We use that antiquated, unachievable, unattainable BMI chart, that Body Mass Index chart, where they tell you by this height you should be this weight.

And I'm like, well then, I would be dead.

Was this chart invented before people had access to food?

Because there's no way possible.

Sir, according to that chart, by my height and my current weight, according to that chart, I am obese.

The look on his face like... That was very hurtful, sir.

I've never seen such a look.

"Yeah, I can see it.

I'm right up front."

It goes underweight, normal weight, overweight, obese, morbidly obese.

Do you understand what this means, by me being obese?

This means that I've got to work out pretty regularly to get to the next level, which is overweight.

Do you understand that?

I've got to work out to get to overweight.

And let's be honest, as an American, it is very difficult to lose weight, right?

Because there are so many other fatter people to stand next to.

Like, oh, I'm obese.

Really?

Then what about now, in front of these people, what about this?

Well, now you are svelte, is what you are.

I said the show is gonna be a little different.

They tell you up front they go, "Oh, we're taping.

It's PBS, we're taping."

Put little restrictions on it.

It's got to be family friendly.

Family friend--that all depends on whose family we're talking about, honestly, right?

They tell you no profanity.

I'm like, you can bleep.

No profanity.

Here's one of the reasons that here's--when I came in, I go, "Well, why no profanity?

I understand we're taping.

I get that part but why no profanity for the people that are there?"

And they said, "Because there might be older people and we don't want to offend the older people with profanity."

Oh, you mean the people that taught us how to use profanity, those people?

Okay, all right.

I said, so I try to start the shows by apologizing to young people because that's the war, right?

That's the war--that's the war we've all been involved with our entire life.

Longest running war in mankind's history: old people versus young people.

That's the war.

It's an interesting war because it's the only war where eventually you end up fighting for both sides, right?

When you're young, you're like, "I'm never getting old.

I'm never gonna be old.

I'll be young forever."

But the truth is you'll be old forever, right?

For, if you're blessing, you know, you'll be old forever.

You're young for about a minute.

People go, "Oh, no, that's--" No, that's how it works.

You were young for a minute and how many know people are upset about it.

A lot of times they're upset about it.

I see both sides of it because I'm, at 58, I'm young to old people, but I'm old to young people, right?

So I sit in the middle and I can see what goes on.

The big rallying cry for both sides: Old people say young people don't listen, young people say old people are in the way.

Young people don't listen.

Old people are in the way.

Young people are like, "Man, when these old people all die off, we're gonna have the run of the land."

Unfortunately, that's not how it works is when they die off, then you replace them.

That's how it works.

Now, you are old people.

You've been fighting all your life for young people and now somebody shows up and goes, "You gotta switch jerseys."

Some of it makes sense, like here's the thing about it for young people.

They say too many old people making decisions.

They're right.

Too many old people are making decisions for the rest of us.

And that's the only place we give them that type of power is in politics-- that's it.

That's the only place we give them that type of reverence and power is in politics.

This is gonna sound political but it's not.

Joe Biden is 80 years old.

Joe Biden was an old man when I was a kid.

I remember when Biden first ran for president.

I'm like, "Ooh, that dude's old."

Now, I'm old and that dude's president, that's how it works.

People sit on the other side, they go, "Trump's the guy.

Trump is the dude."

Trump is 78.

That's the same.

These are two old people that should not be in charge of anything is what goes on, right?

Let me--let me ask you a question here.

Anybody in this room that is north of 78?

Does your family let you prepare your own plate at Thanksgiving?

No, they don't.

No, they do not.

They're like, "No, no, sit down, Pop-pop, I got this," because I don't trust you with a knife.

Young people think that we are angry.

They do.

They think we're angry.

They go, "Oh, the old people are just angry.

You're angry because you're not young anymore."

Like no, that's not it.

If we would be angry, the only anger we would have is because young people don't believe it's going to happen to them, right?

That's the only reason that they would be angry.

And another thing that we'd be angry about is the fact that we realize, I mean, let's give what the young people their due.

They're smarter at that age than we were tech-wise, not streetwise but tech-wise.

They're smarter at that age.

And we're upset because we were taught a lot of things that it turns out they didn't need at all, right?

Think about all that time that was wasted that we learned stuff that we didn't really need to use at all today, at all.

A kid today cannot tell analog time on a clock because they got their phone-- like, oh, what time is it?

And you show them a clock, they're like, "I don't know what that piece of art is with all the numbers.

I--but I'll tell you right now, according to my phone, it says it's this time."

They don't.

We learned that.

We learned how to tell time.

We learned how to count back change.

And I'm telling you this, look, I work at eight places in the United States, but if I have to stop at another fast food restaurant and place an order that comes to $3.76 and give the cashier $5.01 and take a step back and watch their head explode, I'm gone.

You'll never see me again.

I'm out, I'm out.

[audience applauding and laughing] They didn't have to learn that.

Cursive writing was a two-week lesson, fancy letters with extra loops.

Two weeks.

Now nobody writes, no one writes anymore.

They laid--like I said, we were taught a lot of things.

A lot of times I like to sit young people down and go, "Let me tell you about Roman numerals."

[audience laughing] You don't know anything.

How many planets are there?

Nine.

No, it's not.

Pluto is no longer a planet.

Why, what did Pluto do?

Pluto knows what he did.

[audience laughing] People think the lifespan is much longer than it is, and it's not.

Life is garbage after 28.

It is.

Twenty-eight is the number, it's the same as an NFL running back.

Twenty-eight is the number.

Life is garbage after 28.

I'm not saying it's over.

I'm just saying it's crap.

There's a lot of things you gotta get used to.

Twenty-six-year-old, I bet they can eat a meal and do something right afterwards.

I bet they can.

Fifty-eight years old, eat a sandwich, in the middle of a conversation, "Oh, jeez, I gotta lie down, I gotta lie down.

I just ate and I can digest or talk to you, but I can't do both.

I will talk to you after my nap.

But right now I need to be in a bed."

People get mad at me.

They go, "Don't tell young people that.

Life begins at 40."

Life is well over by 40.

Get your act together.

Far be it from me to diss on God on how the whole aging process works, but it's wrong.

You know who has it right?

Benjamin Button, that's who has it right.

That way, you have to peak physically and mentally at the same time.

I vaguely remember 26.

But I know that's the top of the game.

If you're an athlete, you're strong, you could run, you could jump.

But if somebody said, Use that effectively in a competition, you wouldn't know how to do it.

By the time you got the wisdom to use it effectively, can't get of a damn chair.

How old are you, my friend?

male: Twenty-seven.

Lamont: All right, they must be using the metric system here at Solana Beach.

Twenty-seven must not mean the same when you live by the water, apparently.

It's the roughest 27 I've ever seen, sir.

You look good.

But I mean, in my world where the 27-year-olds are, you can't compete in that category.

How old are you, my friend?

Right here, gentleman.

Twenty-seven as well.

He's your brother?

He's your brother?

It's a weird thing that you're, both of you with your 27 that we're using.

I know I got you, because we're counting in dog years.

I'm sorry, I always win.

Anyway, we're the same.

We're the same.

We, you and me, we're the same, because we are past whatever the Earthlings call as 28, because you know what we say on a regular basis that a normal 26-year-old never says?

"I think I slept wrong last night."

Yeah, young people don't know what that is.

Don't you just fall asleep?

Oh yeah, you used to then wait until one night, you're getting ready for bed.

Wait for that to happen.

I gotta get ready for bed.

Last Wednesday, I slept wrong and then I was messed up till Friday.

So this time--wait till one morning you wake up with gray hair and acne.

What in the world!

How am I going backwards and forwards at the same time?

I wish I had better news for young people, but I don't.

Enjoy, you get to 28 then you just coast the rest of the way because the truth, you know what the truth of life is and no one--that's a part of the problem is no one wants to tell the real truth of life.

There are times I drive by a cemetery and go, you lucky sons of guns-- look at you.

Look at them, getting to sleep in.

[audience laughing] Spend a lot of time talking to the young people, try to give them the real raw, honest facts of life.

Life is unfair.

Life is ironic.

Life does not always work out.

Am I right so far?

Life is hilarious at times when it shouldn't be, that's the most important thing.

If I could--if there was any message I say on the stage that if I'm talking about this, that's the most important.

Life is hilarious at times when it shouldn't be.

You gotta be able to find the funny to get you through the day because sometimes life can just sit on top.

You go, "I gotta find something, no matter what."

Two years ago, I'm working on a cruise ship.

We are going from San Diego down to the Mexican Riviera.

We go to Mazatlan, Cabo San Lucas, and Puerto Vallarta.

Mazatlan, we're fine.

Cabo San Lucas, fine.

We get to Puerto Vallarta.

It's 7:30 in the morning.

We are sitting there on the dock.

We're supposed to be able to get off the ship at 8 o'clock, and the captain doesn't say anything at 8 o'clock.

9 o'clock rolls around.

We're still sitting on the dock.

10 o'clock, 11 o'clock, still sitting there.

No one said a thing.

11:30, captain comes on and he says, here's the situation.

"We have too many COVID cases on the ship and Mexico won't let us in.

So we're headed back to San Diego."

Remember, you gotta be able to find the funny no matter what it is because people heard that they were a little upset.

I couldn't stop laughing.

Come on now, Mexico got to tell a group of Americans, you're not welcome in their country?

Mexico!

You know how long they've been waiting for this day, to look Americans in the face and go, "Get your filthy disease-riddled people, get your floating caravan the heck up on off our harbor."

Are there any questions at this point of the show?

[audience laughing] What's your name, 27?

What is it?

Harv?

Is that short for Harvey or-- okay.

And you, 27, what's your name?

Joe.

Those are good, solid, 27-year-old names.

I'm fascinated by names, people.

I am fascinated by names.

You heard the hip, the trendy names, the real trendy, the new names, the trendy names.

Let's be honest, the Caucasian names.

Declan, Asher, you know, all these things.

They're nice, I like them, they're trendy.

You know who I give a shout out to?

Latino folks.

Are there Latino people here?

I know there were a couple.

There was a couple.

Okay, there we go.

Just shout out to the--and what's that?

Oh, okay, I thought--I thought I heard another Santee reference 'cause what took place there, it was weird.

All right, so yeah, now you give a shout out to the Mexican Latino folks because you were not trying to keep up with the trendy caucasian names at all because man, Latino people have been sticking with the same seven names throughout historical times.

Got a baby.

It's a boy.

We name him José.

All right, let's move on.

Got a girl.

It's María, let's move it.

We don't have time for this.

Got another girl.

We name her Lupe.

All right, that's nice.

Got a boy.

Now, what's his name?

Lupe still works, okay.

God bless 'em.

Everybody's trying to keep up with black people.

We're way out there with names.

We are, man.

There are times I'm watching television, I see some of those prescription drug ads and I think, oh, that could be a black name.

That's what I think.

"Skyrizi, get in this house.

Skyrizi, Skyrizi.

And where's your brother, Jardiance?

Jardiance, you get over here.

Hey, Miss Lunesta."

Okay, look.

[audience laughing] All right.

We're gonna take a break from some of this nonsense in a moment.

What happened?

There was two people there.

What happened?

To pass the time to get through the whole pandemic thing, there we go.

You guys are like, I've never seen a show where the comic actually judges us.

Oh, yes, because I told you the front.

I was already funny.

I took a 23 and Me test.

Anyone else take one of these genealogy ancestry type thing?

Let me ask you a question.

If anything, what is the most surprising thing that you learned from the results of one of these tests?

Anything, anyone got anything?

Neanderthal?

Yeah, that would be very surprising.

Do you have anything?

What do you have?

Your father?

You found out that what?

female: I had one.

Lamont: Okay... [audience applauding and laughing] [audience applauding and laughing] Things work completely different here in Solana Beach, don't they?

Now, the numbers are starting to make sense as to why you think you're 27s because you really are 27, made in a tube.

Your middle name is LeBron?

Okay, I don't know whether to believe that or not.

Could be.

It could be.

You found--so, you found your father?

Wow.

How--okay, that's--there's a lot to unpack here.

Did you meet him?

female: I did.

Lamont: And how'd that go?

female: Pretty cool.

Lamont: Oh, very nice.

Lamont: See, I like that because I always like a happy type of ending that comes out on that, that's nice.

I took the test and it--oh, we got some black folks over here.

Are you from Solana Beach, man?

No, of course not.

Course not.

It's the only show where we had to bus in minorities.

Just drove a shuttle van through San Marcos and go, "Get in, get in, get in, get in, get in, get in, get in."

Where are you from, brother, or where you live?

Vista.

San Marcos adjacent.

I'm different than the rest of them.

I grew up in San Diego so I know all of San Diego.

I grew up in El Cajon.

That's why it's funny when they keep making fun of East County.

I'm like, I was--that's home, you know, for me.

Like, I grew up in El Cajon, I'm a San Diego State grad kind of thing.

So it's always nice.

I live in Long Beach now, which is very deceiving because it has the word "Beach" in the title and, yeah, they really should stop fooling around.

Long Ghetto is where I live.

Have you taken one of these DNA tests?

Yeah?

What did you--you do anything?

Lamont: What you find out?

male: A lot of stuff.

Lamont: Yeah, see, that's the thing and you don't sound happy about it, not happy like that.

Yeah, I'm with you.

This is the thing.

I try to come out and try to stop black people from taking these tests because this test is not for us.

White people, take them all you want to, but this is not for us.

I'll tell you the results, man.

This is right here.

These are the numbers, all right?

Took the 23 and Me.

I found out I am 81.1% sub-Saharan African.

Do you understand how surprising that is at 58 years old to find out that I am a mostly black man?

I'm mostly black man, I've been telling people all my life I'm a black man.

No, no, 81.1, I'm mostly black man.

I'm closer to a B minus black man than I am to anything else.

These are the real numbers.

I also found out I am 16.6% British and Irish.

Do you know how angering that is to find out that I'm 16.6% colonizer.

I'm sorry, was that too historically accurate for Solana Beach?

I'm gonna take my words back.

I think we should all take this test.

It'll cut down on racial tension.

It'll also, most importantly, this will help back up a theory that makes no sense at all, Harvard, makes--this is the dumbest theory I've ever had.

I believe there are only seven family lines in the entire world, not because of the numbers I told you.

Because of this number, which is also part of the results.

I am 1.1% Chinese.

So on behalf of my people, I'd like to say, "Stop the Asian hate," that's what I'd like to say.

My people have been through enough.

All I do know is I've been living a larger percentage of black life than I needed to be and somebody owes me 16.6 percent white privilege.

That's what I'm gonna tell you right there.

Sometimes--I'm into sports, I'm big into sports.

I used to play basketball.

I played basketball but now it's pickleball.

There really is.

It's--I'm not kidding at all.

I love it.

I play 6 days a week and I didn't get to play today because I had to make the drive down, so I'm a little upset.

But, yeah, I'm into pickleball and so sometimes I watch anything on television.

I'll watch--anyone know what PBR is?

Yeah, pro bull riding, that's what that is.

And I watch that.

I'm fascinated by the names in there.

Do you know that everyone that's a part of the pro bull riding all have rodeo names?

All of them are Luke, Cody, Wyatt, Shane.

Every single one of them.

I don't know if it's that you have that name, you go into that profession, or you have a regular name and then they make you--assign you one of these names.

I don't know how it works.

But, it's always like, "Oh, coming out of the chute is Luke," and we root for Luke because Luke sounds like he should be on a bull.

But if they had a regular name we'd be a little concerned.

"Coming out of the chute is Stewart."

"Oh, God, no, no, no, no."

[audience laughing] I view names, Harv, the same way I view models of cars.

Sometimes they just stop making you.

You understand what I'm saying?

Sometimes there's no more you.

When's the last time you looked at a baby, "Oh, that's an adorable baby.

What's that baby's name?"

And they go, "Stan"?

Yeah, they don't, because they don't make Stans anymore.

They don't make any more Stans.

They don't make any more Harveys.

They don't make you anymore.

They don't make any more Bruces.

In the '70s, every third dude was named Bruce.

No more Bruces.

My grandmother's name, Myrtle.

They don't make Myrtle, no more Myrtles.

There's no more Earls, no more baby Earls.

Well, let's be honest, Earl was never a baby.

Come on, now.

As far as I know, Earl's always been a 65-year-old black man.

That's what I know Earl to be.

Earl will fix your car.

That's what Earl will do.

Earl will fix your car.

If you want to know whether or not they still make you, if the only time you hear your name was when they mention a hurricane, yeah, they don't make you anymore.

My name is Lamont.

They still make Lamonts.

They only come in black, but they still make 'em.

Well, black and Chinese.

Folks, none of these things are the things I came here to talk to you about.

I'm at a point in my life where I just want respect.

I don't care whether it's earned or not.

You know, the first place you get to choose your level of respect is when you buy a plane ticket, like you go buy a plane ticket, you go, "Oh, this is what they're going to call me."

On that drop-down menu, you get to select Mr., Mrs., Ms., Dr., right?

That's tricky.

Oh, I wanted some respect.

Maybe I should be Doctor.

I'm here to tell you, do not select "Doctor" because that could backfire on you because you could be on the plane and they actually need a doctor and then you are 0 for 1 in your medical career, so do not select "Doctor."

You know what I am on every single flight and people don't realize this is an option?

Every flight, every flight: Professor.

I am Professor on every single flight.

That will never backfire because never in the history of aviation, has there ever been an educational emergency.

Not once.

"Is there a professor on board?"

No one's ever asked that.

And even if they did, how bad could it be?

Is there a professor on board?

"Why, yes, I'm a professor.

What seems to be the problem?"

This plane left Chicago at 8 a.m. going 500 miles--no, no one's-- no one's ever needed that.

Folks, the big one I'm about as far as respect goes is the bank.

When I go to the bank, I like to be called Mr. Ferguson.

Mr. Ferguson.

You know what I found out?

That title directly associated with the balance of your bank account.

You gotta have at least a comma, at least a comma will get you, "Mr." You walk to the bank with 46 bucks in your bank account, that's a first name bank account.

That's what that is.

Forty-six bucks, what's up, dude?

That's what 46 bucks is.

And you gotta watch out because it happens fast.

You don't realize this.

A long time ago, decades ago, I felt good about myself.

I had $1010 in my bank account.

They go, "What can we do for you, Mr.

Ferguson?"

"I'd like to withdraw $20."

"Here's your money, Lamont."

It happens that fast.

That's how fast it happened.

Solana Beach, you've been delightful.

We're done here.

Good night.

[audience applauding] Mark: Give it up for Lamont Ferguson.

♪♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪♪ Peter: I can work clean but I don't often work clean.

So it's a good exercise for me, but I think they liked me.

I don't think I upset anybody which is always good whenever I do stand-up.

Kevin: Show went well, man, I was trying some--couple of new jokes that actually hit and when you're doing new stuff, what I love about this audience, they're patient.

So you get to set the joke up right, and you get the delivery right.

Yeah, that was fun, man.

It was absolutely a blast.

Great room.

Excellent room.

Lamont: Everything is different here in Solana Beach.

People don't keep track of ages.

A dude was north of 70 at least, but he thinks he's only 27.

I don't know what they do.

I don't know how the system works in Solana Beach, but it's very different, but that was fun.

♪♪♪♪♪