How is this meant to maim and destroy?

[announcer] Staff Team versus Patients, move to start positions.

[Tessa] What kind of team-building exercise is this?

Die, mother truckers.

I don't have a good feeling about this.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Stop your whingeing, you pack of **.

Time to get Candida.

-[Tessa] Candace?

-Come on, you f**!

We're supposed to be working together.

Candace!

Thanks for nothing, you a** wipes.

-[gunshots] -[grunts] [sighs] F** sake.

[main theme playing] [elevator dings] [Candace] OMG, bestie!

Look at you!

You look gorgeous!

Congratulations on the feature, Candace.

-Oh, did you hear about that?

-Er, yeah.

You rang and told me about it.

-Did I?

-Yeah.

You got a promotion out of it too.

Congratulations.

Well, I could not have done it without you.

I know.

Yet there was no mention of me or the research I did.

Well, that is what these are for.

Sorry about that.

They just opened in the car.

I'd prefer to have my name properly credited.

Don't be like that.

It's about the oldies.

You know that.

Giving them a voice.

Wow.

Nice shoes.

I have a pair just like them.

Oh, do you like them?

They're pretty good, eh?

At least we're not gonna caught wearing them at the same time.

[laughs] -Ah!

-Goodbye, Candace.

Hey, you're looking great, babe.

Have you lost some weight?

[Tessa] Eat s**, Canned-a**.

Eat what?

What diet?

Three.

Oh, she's strong.

Nice, one more.

Hey, you know what this reminds me of?

What's that, John?

Oh, the crucifixion of Christ.

[whimpers] Oh, you're right.

It's like I'm Jesus.

-Hey.

-In between the two thieves.

No, no.

What I mean, it was like a... It feels... you know, spiritual, like... What's going on?

I'm never gonna walk again.

Well, you don't know that, Ed.

Dr Jerry just told me.

Well, I'm sure you misunderstood her.

She said, 'Edward... you're not gonna walk again'.

That's pretty clear.

You have to have faith.

Faith?

Yeah.

I really am like Jesus.

Well, it didn't really turn out too well for Jesus.

So maybe just faith in your own abilities.

What?

Good chat.

[John] Why do we have to play Snap?

Because you picked the last game, and I get to choose.

Well, at least get them in one f**ing pile.

-Are you scared?

-[mobile rings] Hey, baby.

Everything OK?

[Poppy] It's so much fun, Mum.

Everything is fine, but I can't get a hold of Dad, and I need him to bring my activity folder.

I left it in the car.

Wait, I thought Dad was going to camp with you?

He was, but then he couldn't.

It's OK, though.

Can you get him to bring it today?

-Yeah.

-I need it.

Sure, I can do that.

-You have fun.

-Bye, Mum.

Everything OK?

Yeah, great.

It's for your roommate.

It's from his mum, apparently.

[John] Yeah, certainly not mine.

So warm.

Helpful.

A s** place to turn 18.

Nah.

Could be worse.

How's that?

Snap!

No, probably not.

Maybe we could do something for him?

-[Dan] Right here's fine, Karen.

-Like what?

I don't know.

[sighs] Like... Like a party?

What party?

Oh, come on.

You guys have to include me more.

You know how miserable I was out there.

Why are you back?

[sighs] I'll give you the long story.

So basically, my serviced apartment -flooded for some reason-- -I saw that.

You can't.

-I'm not giving you special... -We couldn't work it out.

And there I was just sitting in my chair underwater, and my flesh started binding with the polyester of my chair.

I'll start calling you out.

I'll start speeding up... And then my decubitus ulcer flared up again, so my bed sores are back.

-It's Ed's birthday.

-Oh!

Hence the party.

Yup.

Hang ten.

Snap!

[laughs] Can't have a party in here.

It's a dumb idea.

Well, we could raid the kitchen.

No, we can't, because they lock it at nighttime.

Why the f** would they lock it?

Erm, apparently someone was stealing from the kitchen at nighttime.

Just 'cause they had low blood sugar, and they-- Where's the kitchen?

Yeah, I've got to go, Tess.

-I got to go too.

-OK.

Thanks, Dan.

Yeah.

OK.

Where are you guys going?

Are we gonna play or what?

-[John] Edward.

-[sighs] Come on, boy.

[whispers] Hey, ready to go?

Come on, kid.

We need your help.

I'm no help to anyone.

Did you tell him about Khalid?

Is Khalid OK?

-No.

-No.

He's had some terrible news, and he needs our help.

Where is he?

-He asked for you.

-He said, 'Ed'.

He was like, 'Ed'.

-Is he OK?

-[Tessa] Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Keep your jammies on.

Just wait for me.

[Edward] Where's Khalid?

Is he OK?

Just... [Tessa] Yeah, no.

Well, he didn't sound too good.

-In here.

-[Edward] Hey.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday, dear Edward ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ [Tessa] Wee-hoo!

This is the best I could do.

Short notice and no budget.

Thank you.

Hey, it's alright.

-Thank you.

-Oh, thank you.

[Patsy] Happy birthday.

-Thank you.

-Oh, do I have-- OK, great.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Do you want me to open these cans of soda as well?

Thank you, guys.

[Tessa] Actually, yes, please.

That'd be great.

Is there any ice cream?

-Oh.

-[Tessa] Ice cream.

Oh, yeah.

Thank God for that.

I've got it.

What's the spread, Patsy?

What do we got?

I haven't had a birthday in four years.

[John] Yoo-hoo.

[Tessa] Born on a leap year or something?

-No.

-[John] Ice cream.

[Tessa] You want a brownie?

[Edward] Oh, no, no, no.

[John] Oh, for God's sakes, I left it here on the bottom shelf.

[Tessa] Alright, I'm coming.

[grunts] -[John] Goddamn it.

-Here.

[Tessa] F**.

[Edward] Are you guys OK?

[Tessa] Ed, can you-- Can you pull open the door?

[grunts] It's impossible.

How am I even supposed to do this?

What a way to go.

I refuse to die in a hospital fridge.

Well, we might not have a choice.

[objects clattering] Oh.

-Er, one second.

-[Tessa] Found anything?

Oh.

I got it, guys!

Guys, guys!

Oh, thank God for that, Ed.

Now we can see ourselves freezing to death.

-[Todd] Check, check, check.

-Guys, they're coming.

Hey, who... What the f... fudge is going on here?

Ed?

Hi, Khalid.

Are you OK?

[Tessa] Can somebody let us out, please?

[security guard] Oh.

This is Tessa Rivers, I suppose.

What is this?

Is that your town shirt?

Town shoes?

You've interrupted something very important.

Thank you, Tessa Rivers.

John.

It's not what it looks like.

[chuckles] It looks like you're illegally trespassing in the kitchen, and you have foolishly locked yourselves in the chiller.

Well, in that case, it's exactly what it looks like.

Just throwing a little birthday party for Ed.

Wait, it's your birthday?

-Happy birthday.

-Thank you so much.

[Todd] Khalid, please!

He's 18.

We wanted to do something... And we're not children, Todd.

Well, you are behaving like a child.

OK, great.

Here you go.

Just like a child?

Just like that?

[Todd] No, stop it!

I can stay and supervise.

I don't mind.

Absolutely not, Khalid.

Do your job!

You will get all of them back to their rooms.

And I will deal with you all tomorrow.

[Khalid] Sorry.

[Karen] Rise and shine.

It's breakfast time.

What's the hurry?

It's not like we have anywhere to be.

Actually, there is a hurry.

Because we have been told after your little illegal tête-à-tête last night which breached safety standards, endangered lives, exposed the unit to legal action and threatened future funding that we are now under strict instructions to stick to the time schedule, adhere to protocol, and document everything.

[Tessa] Ah.

I-- I can-- Yeah.

As if we didn't have enough to do.

Higher than usual.

[chuckles] As is mine.

[Todd] One bite, tick.

With five mastication.

One no.

How bad is it?

[winces] Show me.

Incorrect.

Deep breath in.

Yeah, baby.

She was too fast.

She was too quick.

[Dan] How's it looking back there?

-[Karen] Oh, it's, er... -[winces] ...dreamy.

[Karl's voice] Yo, it's Karl.

Can't get to the phone.

You know what to do.

Karl, can you call me back?

Poppy needs some s** she left in the car.

And I thought that you were gonna go to-- Wow, that was a hellish day.

I feel like I'm in boot camp.

Actually, John, that's really offensive to people around here.

Not everyone can do boot camp around here.

Thanks for last night, by the way.

It wasn't that good.

I mean, it was better than nothing.

This wouldn't be an issue if we were allowed out without a note from Mum and Dad.

That's it.

-[John] What is?

-Come on.

Do you have an ID to show?

Or do you just need to go to a family-friendly one?

Half the fun of it is showing your ID at the door.

-It's family-friendly, isn't it?

-Great, yeah.

And it's, like, 10 minutes away.

It's totally doable.

-[John] Well, I don't know.

I... -[Tessa] OK.

Well, maybe we can get you in on the kids' meal, Shall I invite my mum?

Hi, Dan.

Shh.

I'm coming.

Where are you coming?

Wherever you guys are going.

No, we can't get your bed out, down the street and to the pub.

-That's fricking ridiculous.

-The pub?

Then I'm definitely coming if it's the pub.

I've done my hair especially for it.

Well, if I'm not going... none of you are going.

-What are you doing?

-I'm blocking.

I'm blocking this.

Well, maybe we should just have another ice cream party here.

-It'll be fun.

-[John] Rubbish.

It's your actual eighteenth birthday.

Listen here, nugget.

We are gonna celebrate you, even if it kills us.

Yeah, and it probably will as well.

I've got a van.

Well, my mate's got a van.

My mate Ken... Yakitori.

He's got a van, and he could take us, so... [Tessa] Dan, you're killing me.

Stop talking s**.

OK, let's go.

Just stop talking about it.

-Yes.

-Party!

Party!

[Tessa] Shh!

[suspenseful music playing] Come on.

[screams] Jesus.

Ed, shut up.

Sorry.

[Edward whimpers] -[John] Careful.

-Where do I go?

Careful.

Careful.

-Careful.

-That way.

Away from... [upbeat music playing] Oh.

[car horn blares] -Sorry, I-- -F** you.

What do you want?

Sorry, it's-- Hey.

[Tessa grunts] [Tessa] Thank you.

[grunts] [yelling excitedly] [laughs] [Dan] What?

Hey, come on!

[Tessa laughing] [Dan] Eat my dust, Edward!

Eat my dust!

-[laughing] -You got it?

[John] Oh, yeah.

Good shot.

[wheelchair motor beeps] -You alright?

-[stammering] I seem to have stopped.

Wait here.

-What's up?

-Er... the battery's dead.

[Tessa] What the--?

-Er... -[Edward] Sorry.

Oh, for f** sake!

OK, get on.

Can you get on?

Yeah?

OK.

Can you... Well, you can't just flop onto me.

I'm not a fire-- It's not a fireman's hold.

Can you, like, lift up from the chair?

Lift.

[strains] Mother **!

Erm, alright.

[Karl's voice] Yo, it's Karl.

Can't get to the phone.

-You know what to do.

-Oh, for f** sake, Karl.

I need your help.

OK, plan B.

[phone line ringing] OK, OK... [Todd] What the fudge have you... done?

Nurse Karen, I, erm... I-I can't seem to find, erm, Edward, er, John, Daniel and Tessa.

Have you seen them?

Have you checked the chiller?

Why would I?

[sighs] I mean, why don't you put it on charge?

-Hey, hey.

-Oh, Khalid.

-Are we glad to see you.

-[Khalid] Are you OK?

Tessa called and said Edward needed help.

What are you guys doing here?

I forgot to charge my chair.

Dan, move up.

Khalid, can you put Ed on Dan's bed?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Well, I'm not sure about that.

[Khalid] It will make it easier to get you back into the unit.

Come on, Ed.

It wouldn't be the first time I've top and tailed to a pub.

Pub?

What pub?

We're going to the pub to have a drink for Ed's birthday, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Alright.

-OK.

Good on you, Khalid!

You're the man!

-[Dan] Let's do this.

-[John] Yeah!

[grunts] [John] Onwards.

Onwards, that's right.

Grab my legs, mate.

-Hold on.

-[John] Hey-o!

[Tessa] Smile.

Smile, it's happening.

-It's happening.

-It's happening.

What's your poison, Khalid?

What do you drink?

Oh, I don't drink, Dan.

-[Dan] What?

-[Khalid] Yeah.

[Dan] What is wrong with you?

There'd better be karaoke.

I do a mean 'House of the Rising Sun'.

You guys wait till you... -What the f**?

-Bring it round, mate.

-Turn it round.

-Er, I'm sorry.

But, er, you can't bring that bed in here.

Eh?

No, our mates have just gone in, man.

Er, sorry, nah.

-We... -Sorry.

What's going on?

You just can't bring a bed in here.

What?!

I've experienced this kind of profiling before.

Thank you.

Hey, look, I better go get the van.

I think we're gonna need it.

Just stay here.

We are not going anywhere until I talk to the manager.

[suspenseful music playing] [Karen clears throat] -Todd's looking for you.

-Mm-hmm.

F** you, Todd!

You're a f**ing piece of s**!

You do all those courses for nothing!

You can't help anybody!

[sobbing] They don't even listen to me.

Just walk around ignoring me.

Don't do this.

Don't do that.

Fall into that trap again, Todd.

You don't have to do that, Todd.

You're going to be fine.

There's nothing wrong at all.

It's OK, Todd.

It's not f**ing OK because I'm f**ing useless!

Todd!

Tessa.

Let's go home.

I'm amazed we've made it this far.

Oh!

Shh.

Hey, you go.

Oh, f**.

-[Dan] Hey, mate.

-Hey, Dan!

-[Dan] What?

-[laughs] Do I...?

[man] It's Jase.

I buy the, er, the edibles from you for my nana Patsy.

Are you Patsy's-- This is Patsy's grandson!

-It's me.

-Yes, of course!

Sorry, didn't recognise you.

-It's nice to see you.

-Yeah!

Oh, my God.

Hey, erm, you guys... Hey, come on in!

Of course, mate!

-Er, sir... -[Dan] What the hell?

A hospital bed kind of belongs in a hospital.

[Jason] Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just-- Just don't worry about it, alright?

Let's-- We'll take them around the back, OK?

Because there's plenty of space out the back for my VIPs.

[laughs] Is that us?

-That's New Zealand for you.

-Let's go!

That's New Zealand!

[laughing] Aotearoa?

Come on, now.

Let's go, team.

Come on through.

Let's get this party rolling.

Oh, my God, are there some pokies here as well?

Just going toilet.

Hey, look after him.

-[Jason] Yeah.

-Keep him out of trouble.

[sighs] It's gonna happen.

[laughs] No, that's-- That's actually cheating.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

So you're not allowed.

[chatter continues indistinctly] [dramatic music playing] [phone line rings] [mobile ringing] [mobile vibrating] [Karl's voice] Yo, it's Karl.

Can't get to the phone.

You know what to do.

Yeah, we're really funny, so... [groovy jam music playing] [Jason] Oh, hey.

Take that one.

[Jason & Dan] Not just some of it!

All of it!

Not just some of it!

Come on.

We're supposed to be partying.

[Jason] Hey, hey, hey.

No, no.

But seriously, seriously.

Eighteen.

Eighteen.

Hey.

Look at the kid.

He's having his party after all, and it's all because of you.

[chuckles] [indistinct chattering] \You know, I wanted to kill Ed when I first arrived.

But you didn't.

And Dan.

And you.

I pretty much wanted to kill everyone.

But you didn't.

[all] ♪ Happy birthday ♪ ♪ Dear Edward ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ And many more ♪ -[cheers and applause] -[whistles] Cheers.

Cheers, Big Ears.

Cheers, Big Ears.

-You all ready to go?

-No!

-We've got another round.

-[Tessa] Er, yes.

That's a yes.

-And a hard yes for that one.

-I haven't had my purple goanna.

It hasn't come out yet.

-OK, come on.

-[Dan] Let's go to the pokies.

-[laughs] -Pokies.

So that business idea.

You're in?

-[bouncer] Yeah.

-See you later.

Hey.

I think you should call Robyn.

There's no point in us both being sad losers.

What do you think?

Come on, what's her number?

Where are we going?

Gonna drive through?

We gonna drive through?

[phone line rings] [Robyn, over phone] Hi.

Hey, Robyn.

We're at Hannagan's.

That's nice.

I just wondered whether you might want to come and join us.

I don't-- I don't think so, John.

I... I think you've made it very clear that I'm a burden.

Er, sorry, Robyn, I just... [line disconnects] [inhales sharply] [dramatic music playing] Time to go, I reckon.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

[foliage rustling] What the hell?

[Walking Tessa] Oi.

You didn't think you'd get rid of me that easily, did you?

It's great you're bonding with your new buddies, but remember the mission: to walk.

[suspenseful music playing] [main theme playing] [Walking Tessa] So when's the paintball thing?

[Tessa] Er, the start of the episode.

[Walking Tessa] Wait, what?

Why didn't you tell me?

I got kitted out any everything.

[Tessa] 'Cause it was a drain, and you're in my head, so you kind of should have known.