How am I looking?

-[woman] Yeah, fine.

-It's easy.

You just gotta make sure you use your eyes and your mirrors at all times.

I'll show you again.

I think three times is enough, actually, Warren.

Can I have a go now?

Can I have a go now?

It's not a Game Boy, love.

But how am I gonna learn by just watching?

Because you just have to watch and see how it's done properly.

You can't just jump in.

Yeah, but I've been stood here for 25 minutes!

It's 10.30 already.

Is it?

Bloody hell.

I've gotta get going.

I'll see you next week.

[opening theme music] Ah, Warren, where are ya?

We should've left at 11.

Call me back when you get this message, please.

How do we know her, again?

Aunt Faye, Granddad's sister.

How come I've never heard of her till now?

Well, she kept herself to herself.

And your granddad fell out with her after she met a German bloke she met at the dance in Formby.

Oh, very smart, love.

Did you see if Warren was coming up the road?

No, I didn't notice.

Mum, have I even met this lady before?

Yes, she was at your christening.

She was the one wearing the dress with the flowers on.

-How old was I?

-About six months, something like that.

You should definitely remember.

You were asleep on her lap for most of it.

Is that you, Warren?

[Warren] No, it's the other bloke with a key!

-Of course it's me.

-Where have ya been?

I told you not to go on a lesson today, didn't I?

Well, I wasn't going to waste a whole day's money for some old biddy I never even met, was I?

Right, get upstairs and get changed as quick as you can.

Boys, ring Nan, tell her we'll be 10 minutes.

Warren, we'll wait in the big car.

Better make that 20 minutes.

I just want to make one little stop on the way.

-You are joking me?

-I'll be quick!

Can it not wait?

-It's important, Anne!

-[Anne sighs] [light music] That's them.

About 8 of those, I reckon.

Do you want to get the other side?

What, dressed like this?

No chance.

Get one of your little friends if you're struggling.

Oi, love, give her a hand with these.

She's struggling.

Come on, haven't got all day.

In the back here.

[Anne] For God's sake, Warren!

Anne, do you want that patio or not?

The sale ends today.

I can't risk it!

You were half an hour.

Well, don't blame me.

Blame these two jokers.

It took them 20 minutes to get that load on.

Sorry, they are quite heavy.

Yes, a little less chatting and a bit more loading, thank you.

Right, tell Nan we're on our way, at last.

You could always give us a hand.

No, it looks like you've got a good rhythm going there.

-You keep going.

-We're never going to make it there in time.

Anne, I promise you, I'll get you to that funeral, okay?

Just trust me.

Right, Nan says they're waiting on the porch, but Grandad's having trouble with his urine infection.

Oh God, that's all we need, Grandad pissing like a racehorse every 10 minutes.

[light music] Can you ask them to stop?

It's like Fifty Shades of Grey every time I look in the mirror.

I think its lovely they're getting on again.

Christ, who bought you that, David Blunkett?

Faye gave it to me when I was younger.

She was ever so good to me, so it felt right to wear it.

Why, what did she do?

Well, Liz used to go away to holiday camps, but I wasn't old enough, so I used to go and stay with Faye.

She had a bedsit over a hairdressers' in Blackpool that she used to work in, and I used to go down every day and sweep the floors.

Blimey, she was good to you.

Sounds like a cracking summer.

Here, Dad, when was the last time you saw her?

You talking to me?

Yeah, I said when was the last time you saw Faye?

She says when was the last time you saw Faye?

Oh, I dunno, '92?

No, when did ya last see her, not how old was she.

That's right, 1992.

What, you haven't seen her since 1992?

No, we fell out.

It's because she married a German.

I couldn't give two shiny shites if he were German, but he managed a pub for 27 years, and did he ever give me a free pint?

Did he, bollocks!

And she were just as bad, with her bloody haircuts.

Never a sniff of any discount there!

Why are you going to her funeral, then?

I didn't want to go!

She wanted to go for the bloody buffet.

How dare you!

I wanted to go out of respect for your sister!

Although they do always put on a good spread.

Oh, before I forget, I said you'd do a reading today.

What?

I never even met her!

You know I can't do it.

I get too nervous in front of crowds.

Anyway, its only a couple of lines from the Bible.

Do we know which couple of lines from the Bible?

I mean, I seem to remember it being quite a big book.

I printed it off, it's in me bag.

Summat about Jesus.

You'll be fine.

Jesus.

Do you want to swap seats with me, Colin?

Er, no, you're all right.

I'll never fit in that little space.

[sighs] You know, I was sure Faye was already dead.

I thought that.

Who was it that fell in the river?

Ooh, that were Val.

-She fell in a river?

-Yeah.

Ooh, she was fishing illegally with Uncle Morris in the River Ribble one night.

She leant over the ice to try and stroke an otter, slipped under, and we never saw her again.

Christ, here we go.

Ooh, Morris took it very badly.

After he got the life insurance, he started wearing the leather trousers without the ass in.

Then he bought a chihuahua and moved to Brighton.

We never saw him again, either.

All in all, it was quite the tragedy.

Can we stop soon, Warren?

I need a wee.

Oh bloody hell, Bill, we've only just got going.

Well, I've got an infection.

He has got an infection, Warren.

All right, don't worry about the rest of us, we'll just all be late because of you.

Of course we can, Dad.

Warren, stop at the next services.

Thank you.

How is work going, Charlie?

Work?

[laughs] He does three hours on a Saturday.

Six hours on a Saturday, actually.

Oh, I beg your pardon, is it the whole six?

I take it all back.

-Are you still courting, Danny?

-Yeah.

-Hey, hey!

-Whoo!

How long have you two been together now, love?

A few months, maybe a bit longer.

-Aw.

-What was her name again?

-Jenny.

-Are you still giving her your oats?

Ooh, that's enough, thank you.

We're on the way to a funeral.

We don't want to know about Danny's oats.

[horn honking] Look at this prat, two inches off my bumper.

Well, we are sitting in the outside lane, Warren.

[Warren] Well, he'll have to wait.

[Charlie] Yeah, actually you can't actually hog the outside lane, Warren.

-Maybe you should move over?

-Oh, listen to him.

Three driving lessons, and he's Mika bloody Hakkinen.

I'm not lettin' him past.

He's just trying to bully us.

I think you should move over, Warren.

I'm not moving over.

You should move over, though, Warren!

I'm not going to be bullied by some tosser in a Mazda.

He's getting quite close.

-Should we move over?

-No.

I'm going to need a wee soon, Warren, so we should mover over.

I'm not moving over.

Just move over, Warren!

Fine, then, don't mind me.

I'm just the bloke driving the car.

[horn honking] [light music] [man in car] You wanker!

You... -[engine revs] -Warren, no.

-Stop it!

-Oh, just leave it!

[Anne] Oh, for goodness sakes!

Let it go, Warren!

It's starting to rattle back here, Warren.

[car knocking] Ooh, what's going on?

-I'm not sure.

-Warren, what have you done?

What's happening up there, Warren?

He's not sure.

[light music] [Warren] Don't panic.

-[Anne] Warren!

-Its fine, I'll sort it.

Shall I call Roadside Recovery?

Ah, no no no no no, erm, I'll have a look at it first.

I'll have us moving in no time.

Is this the services?

No, Dad, you'll have to go for a wee here, -down by that river.

-Watch out for Uncle Morris.

[Anne sighs] What's going on then, big fella?

I dunno, mate, I'm just havin' a look.

We'd better call Roadside Recovery, hadn't we?

Colin, I haven't renewed with Roadside Recovery.

They're thieving bastards.

They wanted a bloody fortune to renew, then they tried to stick an admin fee on top.

Sod that!

Oh, and no hard feelings about that thing with me and Liz.

Actually, I'll be honest, we've never been better!

-Ah, good about it.

-We're like bloody teenagers again.

-I can't keep her off of me!

-Er, right.

We've been at it a couple of times a night these last few weeks.

I didn't know she had it in her!

I think it might be the oil.

So, I went to the library, and I got myself a copy of the Kama Sutra.

Some of those positions will make your bloody eyes water!

My favourite's the Reclining Lotus.

You can see everything!

Sometimes, I can see what she had for dinner.

Oh.

So we started recording ourselves and putting it on DVD.

Remind me not to borrow a film off you, then.

Does Warren know what he's doing?

Yeah, yeah, he's fine.

He'll sort it.

Do you think we should call the Roadside Recovery, -just in case?

-No, he'll fix it.

He is a driving instructor, after all.

How would you know if someone's breaking up with you?

-Why, what's she said?

-Nothing.

No, she's just not been replying to my messages today.

Don't worry about it, mate.

Plenty of girls ignore my messages all the time.

You just get used to it in the end.

Right.

Cheers.

Right, you two, go and get me some oil from that last services.

-That's miles away!

-It'll only take you 20 minutes.

No way, that's ages to walk.

Yes way, get out.

I want the change.

Are we alright walking down a dual carriage way?

Well, I'm not asking you to walk down the central reservation.

Just stay on the grass bit there, you baby.

[light music] Sorry, got an infection.

Enjoy your pork pies.

How are things going with you and Colin, love?

Oh, Mum, they're brilliant!

We're like teenagers in love again.

Oh, that's great news.

I'm so pleased.

And, er, it was meant to be a surprise, but we're going to get our wedding vows renewed.

-Oh.

-That's made me all giddy!

I'm light-headed anyway.

I haven't eaten since half-six this morning.

Why did you eat so early, Mum?

I was saving meself for the buffet.

No point filling up on corn flakes and not being able to squeeze a vol-au-vent in.

-True.

-Yeah.

Oh, how's he gettin' on out there, Anne?

We're a bit pushed for time here.

He promised me he'd get us there on time, so let's not panic.

And he promised you he'd buy you a spa weekend for your birthday, and instead he bought you a massage with that big Iranian man in the town centre.

Oh, yeah, ooh, he had hands like bunches of bananas.

Ooh.

Okay, maybe I should give them a little call just in case.

You know it'll be wrong, don't ya?

Whatever oil we get, somehow it'll be wrong.

It'll be too expensive or not the right colour or the wrong shape or something.

Are you going to be like this the whole way?

I just don't understand why she isn't replying to my texts.

Danny, it'll be fine.

I'm trying to think of things I might have done to upset her.

Well, you wouldn't have done anything wrong.

You see, I changed my profile picture yesterday to one of me playing the clarinet.

Maybe that upset her.

I can't imagine that turned her on much, but I doubt that'd be it.

She messaged me last night, but we were having dinner, so I didn't reply straight away.

It took me, like, eight minutes to reply.

That's quite a long time, eight minutes.

Just relax, maybe she left the phone at home, or it ran out of battery.

She's read the messages.

She's read the messages?

Oh yeah, well, she's ignoring ya.

How many messages have ya sent so far?

Yeah, quite a few.

Hey, sometimes it's good being single.

Yes, Anne Humphries.

Number 100545.

I'm pretty sure we are.

What's he saying?

He's saying we're not members any more.

Can you check again?

Ooh, terrible, these breakdown people, aren't they?

-Its all take, take, take.

-Oh, I know.

Mind you, if we left it to Colin, we'd be on the side of the road for days.

He hasn't got a clue!

Ooh, your dad's the same.

He waits 'til the light goes on and then takes it to Halfords.

-Well, I can only apologise.

-What's happened?

He's saying Warren refused to renew.

Why?

Well, when Warren rang, the price had gone up, and the bloke said there's a note on the system that Warren called them a bunch of money-grabbing tossers and refuse to pay the admin fee.

How much was the admin fee?

Two pound 50.

Ooh, he's as tight as a duck's ass, that man.

[light music] Aye, mate, ya got any oil?

What kind of oil?

Like car oil, like oil for a car.

What kind of car?

Erm, I think it's a Nissan?

No, we've run out.

What, you don't have any?

No.

Oh, well, we tried our best.

Might as well get some chocolate while we're here.

-What do ya want?

-[phone rings] It's Jenny!

Well, see, I told you there was nothing to worry about.

Hold on.

Hello?

What scratch cards ya got?

Have you checked the water?

It's not the water.

I think its the oil, Bill.

No, it won't be the oil.

-Might be the spark plugs.

-Or the carburettor.

-No, it won't be the carburettor.

-Well, you say that, but when I broke down it was the carburettor.

Or try the valve engine, could be that.

Look, would you two mind just giving me a little bit of peace and quiet?

Charming!

You try to help, and that's what you get.

How are you getting on, love?

I think it might be the valve engine.

No its not the valve engine!

There's no such thing as a valve engine, Colin!

Have you tried turning it off -and turning it back on again?

-No, I hadn't thought of that.

Shall I see if its still connected to the printer, as well?

Look, why don't you three just get back in the car, give me a moment's peace to fix it, and then we can all get there.

-Get back in the car, eh?

-All right.

Are you sure you don't want me to ring Roadside Recovery?

No, I said I'm fine, didn't I?

Look, I promised I'd get you there, and I will if you just give me a little bit of space.

Okay, love.

And there wasn't any problem with the renewal?

It went through all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was fine.

- [man on phone] Hello.

-Hello?

-What?

-Hello.

-Is that North End Taxis?

-[man on phone] Yep.

Yeah, I want a quote please, mate.

[man on phone] From where to where?

Well, I need to get to the Westborne Crematorium in Blackpool.

[man on phone] Okay, from where?

Well, the thing is, I don't know where I am, mate, I've broken down.

I'm somewhere on the A583.

[man on phone] Well, the A583's 40 miles long!

Yeah, there's a river and a sign.

-[man on phone] Okay, and what does the sign say?

-'Danger low bridge.'

[man on phone] Mate, I can't help you if I don't know where you are!

Well, can't you trace me?

Use a GPS or something?

[man on phone] I'm not the FBI, mate!

I'm a taxi firm!

All right, I just want a rough quote.

All right, it'll be a hundred pounds.

A hundred quid?

I want a taxi, not a bloody limo!

[man on phone groans] I can't give you a proper quote if I don't bloody know where you are, can I?

Well, I tell you what, shove it!

Absolute moron!

You all right?

Yeah, fine.

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

Don't worry about it, happens to the best of us.

Do you want a scratch card?

Warren's bought us a load of 'em.

We'll have to hurry up, Anne.

We haven't got long before it starts.

The Roadside Recovery man's on his way, so it'll be sorted soon.

Ooh, look at you two, love's young dream.

Liz was saying, actually, you're going to renew your marriage vows, Colin?

-Well, yeah, but... -But what?

Well, I didn't know it were common knowledge.

What, I can't tell me own family?

-No, its not that, it's just - -What's the matter?

You don't want us there?

No, I just I thought it were going to be just us, that's all.

Oh, charming, did ya hear that, Anne?

He don't want us there.

'Course he wants us there.

Just us?

No way.

We're having a big party and everything.

Oh, I don't know about that.

If he doesn't want us there, he doesn't want us there.

-What, you think I just want you and me?

-No chance.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Will there be a buffet?

Oh, leave it!

You're all invited!

[horn honking] [light music] Oh, Roadside Recovery man's here.

Oh, thank goodness, I'm bloody starving!

Afternoon, sir, having a few problems?

-What are you doing here?

-Aye, had a call-out.

Er, Anne Humphries.

-Bollocks!

-Blue Toyota Previa, reg M216 JPB.

What happened?

She doesn't look after her car, that's the trouble.

I was driving along, minding me own business, and then bash, that's gone off I pulled over here.

I've had a go at trying to fix it, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere.

Right, let's have a look, shall we?

Yeah, I think it's the oil, mate.

I'm pretty good at these things.

-Oh, by the looks of it, this is a right mess.

-What?

-Well, you've mixed up the HT leads up, for a start.

-Hang on, mate.

What you been doing in here?

[chuckles] Listen, pal, don't come down here showing off in your stupid jacket.

I'm not showing off.

I'm just saying, you've messed it up.

I know what the bloody hell I'm doing!

Clearly, you don't!

Listen, pal, I am a customer!

Show me some customer care!

[mechanic] And I'm trying to, and I am the mechanic trying to sort this out for you, all right?

It's the oil, mate.

I know cars.

I'm a driving instructor!

You've pulled the bloody spark plugs out.

It's chaos in here.

Roadside Recovery, my ass.

Thanks for doing that, boys.

I've brought chocolate for everyone.

Ooh, lovely, have you got a Bounty?

Yeah, I got a Bounty.

Thanks.

Nana, a Crunchie.

Grandad, a Turkish Delight.

Ooh, lovely!

I don't think I want to eat this, Anne.

It might spoil my appetite.

-What do you think?

-Whatever you want, Mum.

I'll just pop it in my bag for later, shall I?

In case they haven't got any cake.

Liz, Galaxy Caramel or Milky Way?

Galaxy Caramel please, love.

There you go.

Milky Way for you, Colin?

Oh, I see, Colin doesn't get a choice in anything.

He just gets told.

Oh, have a day off, Colin, you're like a bloody child!

That's why I got Milky Way, is it?

I'm a child?

Might as well've given me a Freddo.

You can have mine if you want.

-[Colin] What is it?

-Daim Bar.

Oh, no, you're all right.

Them bits always get stuck in my teeth.

I'll be picking them out for weeks.

Anyone else want to swap a Milky Way?

I have had a bite of mine, but I'll give you the rest of my Bounty for your Milky Way.

No, you're all right.

Anyone else, Bill?

-Eh?

-Swap you're Turkish Delight for me Milky Way.

Oh, no, you're all right.

Them's tiny.

Oh, Sheila, can I have your Crunchie if you're not going to have it?

I do want to have it, Colin, just not now.

Danny, you've not got some chocolate?

-No, I'm fine.

-But you love chocolate.

-No, no, I'm fine.

-Are you all right?

-You look at bit pale.

-Mum, he said he's fine.

You look a bit upset.

Perhaps he's upset about missing the funeral.

I'm not upset about anything, I'm fine!

Just leave it!

Well, we won't be long now.

Roadside Recovery man's just got here.

I know a bloody oil problem when I see one.

There's nothing wrong with the oil!

Well fine, piss off, you jumped-up tosser.

-I'll do it myself!

-Fine!

-Fine!

-Fine!

Twat!

[light music] Roadside Recovery man's just left.

[Sheila] Has he gone to get parts?

No, Sheila, just leave it.

Give me a minute to think.

Have you planted your bulbs yet, Warren?

No, Bill, just give me a minute to think.

Did it last week.

I say, have you planted your bulbs yet, Warren?

-He did 'em last week.

-Oh, very good.

And we're going to get the pond finished soon as well.

And they're going to get the pond finished soon as well.

Oh, right.

What are you going to have in there, fish?

Maybe some fish, not sure.

Oh, I tell you what, we saw Jackie McIlvenny's garden last week.

Ooh, is it nice?

Oh, yeah, it's a really nice garden.

You'll have a nice garden soon, though, eh, Warren, when the pond's finished?

Colin said you'll have a nice garden when the pond's finished.

What are you going to have in there, fish?

[Sheila] Maybe some fish, he doesn't know.

[Colin] Oh, have you told them about Jackie McIlvenny's garden?

[Liz] Oh, no, I haven't.

I'll tell you who's got a nice garden, Jackie McIlvenny!

[Sheila] Anne was just telling me about Jackie McIlvenny's garden.

[Anne] When did you see Jackie McIlvenny's garden?

-[Sheila] I didn't, Liz did.

-[Anne] No, I know.

Liz, when did you see Jackie McIlvenny's garden?

[Liz] We saw it last week.

-[Bill] Who's got a nice garden?

-Jackie fucking McIlvenny!

[Daniel crying] Ooh.

Ooh, Danny.

He didn't mean to shout, love.

No, Mum.

Jenny's pregnant!

Are you sure?

She just rang me and told me.

Five minutes before a funeral.

As one life ends, another begins.

Mum, not now.

What did he say?

Danny's girlfriend's pregnant.

-Danny's got a girlfriend?

-And she's pregnant.

Oh, congratulations, mate!

No, I'm Charlie, that's Danny.

Oh, sorry.

Danny says you're going to have a baby, Charlie!

No, I'm Charlie, that's Danny.

You'll be a granddad, Warren.

No, I won't, he's not my son.

I'm going to have another look at that engine.

No, you're not!

You got us into this mess, so you will ring the Roadside Recovery, apologise, and get them to send another man out!

You promised me we'd get to this funeral.

You promised!

The amount of times, Warren, I stand by you, and the one thing I want you to do for me, the one bloody thing, and you've let me down!

You're getting every single one of us to that funeral, full stop!

It's five to, Anne.

It's too late, we've missed it.

I'm sorry, love.

Well, not necessarily.

[solemn music] Oh, death, where is your victory?

Oh, death, where is your sting?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

[Priest] A fitting tribute.

Thank you, Warren.

-[horn honking] -Wanker!

[Warren] You're the wanker, mate!

That was very good, love.

I'm just going to have a quick word with Danny.

That were a bit religious all that, weren't it, Warren?

I thought that.

A bit heavy on the God stuff, wasn't it?

Well, it is a funeral.

Well, I didn't want to bloody read it anyway.

Anne asked me to.

I'm just saying, she never went to church a day in her life.

Well, when I do one at your funeral, I'll tone down the God stuff.

How does that sound?

Shh!

I wish they'd hurry up.

I'm bloody freezing out here.

-Do you want my coat?

-No, I'm all right.

Thanks, though, love.

I'm sorry about earlier, Liz.

Its just, well, I thought it would be just us two you know, on a beach in Jamaica, renewing under the Caribbean sunset.

Oh, oh that does sound nice, actually.

Yeah?

Yeah, sod 'em.

Let's go on our own, eh?

[Priest] We accept that the answer is Jesus.

Oh, here we go again with the God stuff.

Mum, shh, the coffin's going.

[solemn music] Oh crikey, I'm going to need to take a minute.

Aw, Dad, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

I'm just bursting for a pee!

Roadside Recovery man wants you.

-I'm not talking to that prat.

-Warren, don't you dare!

You all done?

Yes, mate.

Looks like it overheated, probably because of the heavy load.

-Oh, yeah.

-You'll have to lose some weight from the cab before you set off again.

All right.

Is it finished?

Yeah, Mum just went to speak to the vicar.

She wants to find out where he got his shoes from.

Ah.

How you doin'?

Fine, yeah.

Just a bit shocked, you know?

Yeah, I know.

She was 89.

[Danny laughs] I don't know how it happened.

Oh, Christ, you don't need me to explain -that to you as well, do you?

-No.

-I'm so sorry, Warren.

-That's all right, mate.

These things happen.

Well, they seem to up north, anyway.

How are we getting on?

-Yeah, he's all right.

-Fine, thanks, Mum.

Don't worry, love, everything will be fine, I promise.

We'll chat more when we get home, okay?

Is the car fixed?

Yeah, but the Roadside Recovery man says we need to lose some weight out of it.

Oh.

Bill, do you fancy staying here while we nip off to the wake?

We'll only be a couple of hours, tops.

No, I don't mind.

Bring us back a plate of sandwiches.

-Yes, mate.

-No Warren, don't be stupid!

Dad, get in the car.

He didn't want to bloody go in the first place.

-No, I don't mind.

-No, Dad, it's fine.

You can take your paving slabs out.

Anne, they cost me a fortune!

[light music] Oh, Christ, they're at it again!

[Anne] Don't look if you're that bothered.

[Sheila] Have you thought of any names, Danny?

[Anne] Mum, not now!

[Warren] Oy, where's my change?

[Charlie] Oh, yeah.

-[Warren] What's this?

-[Charlie] Your change.

-You've won four quid!

-[Warren] Oh, you!

[Bill] Sorry about this, Warren, I'm afraid I need another wee.

[Warren] Absolutely no chance!

[closing theme music]