(gentle upbeat music) - Ooh, this one doesn't look any happier than yours.

- You'd look like this if you were 2,000 years old and made of terracotta.

- Why doesn't Sir Desmond just put it up for auction?

- The good doctor already has a, the Bank of Nanking but the bank wants the provenane of a highly respected antique d. - Lovejoy- - Auctioneers take ten per cent.

- Porcelain, I could understand but prehistoric pigs from Shang- - Xi'an Dong Ling Tse, it's where they found that army of clay soldiers.

- And Sir Desmond Clark finds one clay pig.

- It's not the looks that count.

It's how long it's lasted.

It's like marriage This one's been around since the 5th century BC, which means it's worth about half a million quid of which we take two per cent.

Imagine, Jane, to hold in our hand something that's been buried away for 24 centuries.

That's enough about marriage.

- How can you provenance it?

You're not an expert.

- No, but Flat Fee Lee is and he only wants 500 quid.

- Why do you call him Flat Fee ?

- Well, because he never specul.

Always takes cash up front, never gives anything away.

- Inscrutable.

- Unscrupulous.

Lee Chan.

You look exhausted.

You had a hard day?

- You're not kidding.

Some of these buggers think they invented the flu.

(gentle upbeat music) (tool clattering) - Aren't you gonna sell it with the wheels on?

- I'm just knocking the rust of.

(tool clattering) - Well, knock it into a safe pl, you paid good money for that ru.

- I got it on a trade-in and I only hope I can sell it be that farmer finds out what he's.

- He's done you by the looks of.

- Yeah, well, that's what he th.

But this happens to be a unique motorcycle, just about one of the first mots in history and it's complete.

- Complete what?

- All in one piece!

There's over 200 handmade compos in this Tinker and they're all here after 90 years.

- Well, which is the front end?

- That's the passenger seat, this is the driver's seat.

Do you want a ride?

- What?

You're gonna make this heap go?

- It already goes.

I've got a buyer coming over fr.

He should be here by now.

He sounded very expert.

- Where is he then?

Cruelly efficient as a rule, th.

- Don't be so prejudiced.

- I'm an old soldier, Eric and old soldiers have long.

- Yeah, well, we're all Europeas in the business world now.

The Germans are the most Europe.

- You're asking 400 quid for th?

- Well, I ought to hold out fore but I need the capital but that's the trouble with und, nobody believes you.

- I believe you.

What's its scrap value?

Ten quid?

Nine?

That's a German word you're gonna have to learn.

(tool clattering) (speaking in foreign language) - Mr. Chow says you have exquisite taste, Sir Desmond.

- Yes, yes.

17th-century ivory, yes, it's very valuable.

(speaking in foreign language) - Mr. Chow believes the Chinese invented art.

- Yeah, well, he's a banker.

(speaking in foreign language) - A tooled figure Mr. Chow, Han.

- Yeah, Han, 152 BC, merchant.

(speaking in foreign language) - Beautiful.

Ming period, your 14th century.

- That is my very own work.

- Oh, really?

Very few Westerners master the art of Chinese calligraphy but with a surgeon's hands- - No, no, no.

Surgery isn't very manual these.

You know, we use a lot of machi.

(speaking in foreign language) - When can we see the pig?

- Yes, I'm sorry but I'm having it authenticated, Mr. Lovejoy, Lovejoy.

Have you heard of him?

Mr. Chow.

Steady, yes, ah, well.

(speaking in foreign language) - Mr. Chow says it gives sereniy to contemplate beautiful object.

- Partly true.

- And to venerate what is old.

So why are you invading his personal space?

- Hmm.

- What I need is some cut-price advice, Lee.

What do you make of it?

- It's clay.

Worked in the style of the warrs or the Chang Kuo period.

Skillful decoration but it's a .

- Lee, the owner's a connoisseu.

He's been to Xi'an Dong Ling Ts.

- Sorry, pal, but the original d have had cast decoration.

This copy's been embellished af.

See?

Here and here.

- It looks so old.

- It is old but it was made a f. About 14th century.

- So it's an antique fake?

- That's right, love.

In the early Ming dynasty it was fashionable to collect things from the past.

- So how much is it worth?

- About a grand.

- Oh.

- Well, that's cut the price.

- These 14th-century fakes were pretty commonplace.

Mind you, you had to be a braved to be a forger in them days.

If you got caught, it was a death of 1,000 cuts.

Still, there's a legend that every fake bears the forger's inscription.

- Where?

- Come off it, Lovejoy.

They chopped heads off.

No forger's gonna carve his name in large print.

Still, it's only a legend.

How much did you pay for it?

- I'm having it valued for the .

- Some connoisseur.

- Expecting the results tomorro.

- You know the results.

It's a fake.

- Well, Sir Desmond Clark doesn't, does he?

- You can't say it's genuine.

- I'm not gonna say anything until I've renegotiated the arr.

- You're not on a percentage, a?

- Hmm, two per cent of £1,000, it might cover the petrol.

- Always go for the flat fee, L. Take my advice.

- Not twice in one day, Lee.

Can't afford it.

- "Catchpole?

Pre-war classics?

Vintage motorcycles for the con, visit our exclusive showrooms and view our international sele, knock on the shed and ask for E" Have you got a reply to that?

- Catchpole?

Gunter Sperber, we spoke on the.

I have come about your advertis.

- Ah, yes, (speaking in foreign.

Congratulations.

Reunification.

It's like Kennedy, isn't it?

Everybody always remembers where they were when the Berlin Wall came down.

- This is the motorbike for sal?

- Yes, 1899 original.

It was a great moment in your history, though, wasn't it?

Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein shoppi.

No, you know what I mean.

No more queues, no more central, no more pollution.

So, what do you do for a living?

I was chief engineer for Traban.

It's not what I'm looking for.

I collect mainly the period 190.

If this bike had any military connections it might be worth double.

Say £20.

- £20?

But this is vintage!

I mean, the bikes in that magazine go for thousands.

- Look at these machines.

They are immaculate.

You shouldn't advertise in here.

- Well, it's the trade journal.

Where should I put it?

How about a skip?

(laughing) - It works.

Come on, get on and I'll show y.

(speaking in foreign language) - No.

- But I thought you liked vinta.

- I'm not insured.

- Tinker.

- I think not.

- Lovejoy, I wanna take the trike for a spin.

- Right, see you in a month's t. - With a passenger because this is my buyer and he doesn't think the trike s but I reckon I can push it up t. - He'll never pay as much as th.

He probably only wants it for t. - Oh, yeah?

And since when have you been the great expert on motorbikes?

- I'm not but I know a Cromwell.

"We've had this knife in the family since the Civil War, it's only had ten new blades and seven new handles."

A lot of vintage machinery isn't as complete as this.

You know, there's a fresh bolt , a fresh nut there, a new carbur.

Collectors like to replace them with originals so often, they'll buy a whole mt for one or two nuts.

In this case, peanuts.

- Come on, he won't think you t. - I don't think I trust you.

- Look, it's perfectly safe!

I wish you'd stop flinching every time we go round a bend, .

You don't see Nigel Mansell going round corners with his eyes shut, do you?

No, he leans into them and enjoys the wind whistling past his shoulders.

You ought to try it.

There's nothing more exhilaratig than defying gravity.

Beautiful design, innit?

I mean, there's no give in that.

- [Lovejoy] No give in this sea.

- Of course, I had to take a fet 'cause it was four inches longer when I started.

- So was my spine.

- Well, it's not a modern bike,.

What do you expect from a class?

Hydraulic suspension?

Padded cushions?

Seat belts?

- That's a good idea, seat belt.

- Oh, stop worrying.

I've got all the controls at my fingertips.

(screaming) Lovejoy!

(upbeat music) (screaming) (bike crashing) - I can't stay here.

I've gotta see a man about a pi.

- Now, calm down.

You've been very lucky.

- Yeah, it could have been me.

- Look out!

- Try not to get excited.

You've had a clean break, you won't be in bed for more than a couple of days.

- Oh, no.

Jane, you'll have to see Sir De.

I want a flat fee.

£500.

- I'm sorry, Lovejoy, I am not .

- It's a perfectly honest arran.

I want the cash up front.

- You want 50 percent of the pig's entire value so you can tell him it's worthl.

What if he gets awkward?

- It's a bargain, he'll jump at.

- Now look, Lovejoy, I don't mind Jane helping out but I'm second in command and I should run the business.

- Run it into what?

- Look, I told you, that German bloke pinched my nuts.

- If he gives you any trouble, Jane, break his legs.

Both of them.

- Could you hold the lift, plea?

Thank you.

(telephones ringing) - Oh, ah.

- Are you all right?

What's the matter?

- I've got this itch.

- [Lovejoy] Don't seem to be able to scratch it.

- You've always had that, Lovej.

Try slipping this down the side of the cast.

- Oh, thank you, madam.

- The junior partner shouldn't just be a gofer.

I'm gonna have to run my own specialty sooner or later.

Lovejoy's not gonna be around f. - Not at this rate, no.

- Look, I told you that German bloke nobbled my trike!

It doesn't look to me like it needed nobbling.

It's nothing but a pile of rust.

- Yeah, well, maybe Lovejoy wast and it needed a seatbelt up fro.

- It needed a man with a red flag in front.

Lovejoy says you came round that bend absolutely hell for- (bike engine revving) - Catchpole?

- That's me.

- Natasha Glendenning.

- Nice to meet you.

I'm afraid the bike's been snap.

- I'm selling.

Would you be interested in a Brough Superior?

- I knew it.

SS80, innit?

Working order, too.

- Are you sure you want this, E?

It looks like a motorbike.

- This is the Rolls-Royce of motorbikes, this is.

- Jane Felsham.

- Hi.

- Forget your Nortons and your .

The Brough Superior was the cream of British engineering.

Oh, look at this.

Girder forks.

Original knee grips.

Aluminum silencer.

Enfield brakes.

Side valve.

JAP engine.

1924 four-cam deluxe.

- I changed the forks last mont.

These ones are in factory order.

- Beautiful.

We couldn't have restored it to original condition better ou.

- You seem to have worked very hard on this.

- Yep, every weekend for the last couple of years.

It was in pieces when I got it.

- We could restore it to that original condition.

- I've been so close to this bi.

It feels like part of me but if it were an SS100, the 19, that would be a real piece of h. The SS100 is the bike that Lawrence died on.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I didn't even know he'd had a c. - I think she means Lawrence of Arabia, Eric.

- Oh, right.

- He was killed on a motorbike,?

- A Brough Superior.

Everyone knows that.

- Wasn't he in the army at the ?

- The RAF.

He was stationed in Dorset near where I used to live.

That's where he came off the bi.

- Lawrence of Arabia and the RA.

Just as a matter of interest, how much would his bike be worth to a military collector?

- Serious money.

Any SS100 of that period could fetch 10,000 plus and where there's a connection to Lawrence, well, you- - I don't think we would offer anything like that- - No, no, no, this isn't an SS1.

This is an SS80.

- Of course.

How silly of me.

As I say, we're more of an anti- - £3,000.

- It's not enough.

I've got to get four.

- Well, we haven't got four but I tell you what we'll do.

You accept three on account against a guarantee that we'll sell it for five.

Anything above that, we split 5.

- Deal.

- Eric.

Excuse us a moment, Natasha.

What are you doing?

- I've got to make it up to Lovejoy, haven't I?

I've broken his leg and now he can't make that meeting with Sir Desmond and you know how he has a sixth sense about .

Well, I'm a bit of a divvy myse.

Well, if it doesn't work out, I'll sell the Harley.

- Eric, you couldn't do that.

- It's for Lovejoy, and while h, I intend to be the driving force behind this business.

- I think the less said about your driving the better.

- In hospital?

That is very inconvenient.

- It is for him.

- So I suppose you've come to return the pig.

- I'm afraid it's still being d. - And when can I expect the res?

It's extremely urgent, you see.

- That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Naturally, we've incurred some e in provenancing the piece and Lovejoy feels- - No, no, I won't pay a flat fe.

- Why not?

- Here.

You see, I object to a flat fee on principle.

Principle.

If you got your money in advanc, what's to stop you deliberately undervaluing the piece?

- I think that would be rather .

- Why?

No, no, no, no, I want Lovejoy on a percentage.

Then I know that it's to his ade to arrive at the best possible ?

I've been warned about this.

Some unscrupulous dealers might deliberately undervalue the pig in order to pick up a bargain for themse?

- Yeah, but that's what we're offering you.

A provenance for 500 quid that on a percentage would cost.

- I don't want a bargain.

No, I chose Lovejoy because as a distinguished member of the trade, I assume that he had a reputation to protect.

- I'm sorry, am I in your way?

- I just want you to be very, very careful.

Look, I know you don't provide a Bond Street service but really, I didn't expect it to be this poor.

(antique bangs) Ooh!

(gentle upbeat music) - Pear?

How's the itch, Lovejoy?

Is it getting any better?

- No, it's agony.

This won't reach.

I'm even itching in my sleep.

- Should get your mind on somet.

Banana?

- We can't do it, Lovejoy.

We've given him a piece of her mind and now you expect us to go back on our hands and kne?

- Well, I can't, can I?

- I've worn underwear that keeps a politer distance than Sir Desmond Clark.

- He won't give us anything in .

He insists we take a percentage.

- Satsuma?

- I'm ruined.

- Oh, come on.

I know £500 is a lot of money- - It isn't the money.

It's Lovejoy's reputation in th.

- If I can't provenance it, I look like an amateur and if I provenance it for 20 quid, I might as well be an amateur.

- Kiwi fruit?

- No, I don't want a pear, I don't want a banana, I don't want a satsuma and I certainly don't want a ki!

- Well, why don't you just say the pig's genuine?

- How would fraud help his repu?

- Well, if it's in tatters anyw, why not take the ten grand?

I mean, it's not like me guaranteeing the Brough.

- What?

- I mean, I'm still building my reputation.

I can't afford to take chances.

- What guarantee?

- I've been offered this fantastic vintage bike and it'll make £8,000 easy and I've only had to put up thr.

- You won't regret it, Lovejoy.

Lawrence of Arabia died on a Brough Superior.

- Was he driving?

You spent £3,000 of my money on a motorbike?

- Yeah, but it's not just any old motorbike.

It's from the golden age of tou.

I mean, can't you picture it?

The Charleston, moonshine, you driving through the night with a flapper on the back.

Hey?

It's a dream machine.

- It's a nightmare.

- He's given his word.

He can't break a promise.

- Why not?

He breaks everything else.

- Grape?

- No, I want a coat hanger.

- You know, I've been thinking.

If we're gonna have to rely on my reputation, I think I should have a title.

You know, like junior partner or trainee manager.

You know, a name that explains .

- I know one that explains you .

- What?

- Eric, just plain Eric.

- Coat hanger?

Eric!

Eric, this is a coat hanger.

And this is a book.

'The Seven Pillars Of Wisdom' by TE Lawrence.

A first edition.

I've had it since National Serv.

He had the same rank as me, Lawrence of Arabia.

- You were a colonel?

- That was his wartime rank.

When he came home, he cast all privilege aside, changed his name, joined up as a simple private in the Tank Corps.

The lowest of the low.

- Huh, right, the lowest of the low, the same rank as you.

Let's have a look, then.

- Then he went back to the RAF.

I was too young to have known h, of course, but I knew several fellows who did.

He was a funny beggar.

Practically defeated the Turks single-handed at Mesopotamia.

Became the biggest hero in the world after World War One.

Then enlisted to clean RAF latr.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, fascinating but what about the bike?

- Oh, he had more than one.

He was the original biker.

They say he did more than 30,000 miles a year.

- That's what makes his death so suspicious.

- A biker has an accident.

What's suspicious about that?

- Just went into a skid on an open road in clear weather.

Practically on his own front do.

- Well, I've seen you do that w. - He was a fascinating fellow, all the same.

No, thanks, and I'll tell you something else and I got this from his batman, a man who'd scrubbed his back for 20 years, so he should know.

Lawrence of Arabia wasn't.

- Hmm.

- Wasn't?

Wasn't what?

(engine revving) (upbeat music) - Lovejoy, Lovejoy, wake up!

They're here.

- It is a nightmare.

Have you ever had an itches that won't go away?

I've got two of them.

One to the left of my ankle, the other one right here.

Flat Fee Lee went to see Sir Desmond behind my back.

Now, Clark's buyers, they don't know terracotta from spaghetti ricotta but they've got a bank full of y and they want a piece of history to hang in their hall.

A genuine piece.

I couldn't mislead anyone like that, could I?

But I know a man who can.

If Lee says the pig's genuine, we all stand to make a profit, Clark for the sale, Lee for the provenance and me, keeping my mouth shut.

I could even come away from this with my reputation intact.

Wake up, they're here.

Sir Desmond.

- You promised me your personal, not your personal assistants.

I want you to give me a provenance, not that man.

- There's the itch.

You see my problem?

Gentlemen.

- These are the buyers.

This is Mr. Chow Chi-Kai from the Bank of Nanking and that is his translator.

Mr. Chow expresses his condolen.

He says you are fortunate the Chinese invented medicine.

- Immensely.

- So, what is your opinion of t?

- Confused.

You must know other experts in .

Why me?

- You have a reputation.

You may not be Christie's but I hear you have a nose and I am assured that you are h. - Thank you.

Well, looks like warring states, doesn't it?

A terracotta burial ornament from the 5th century BC.

It's a fake.

(speaking in foreign language) - Please, Mr. Lovejoy, you're s?

Sir Desmond is- - It's a 14th-century fake.

It's like everything else, gunpowder, printing, bottled water, Chinese did it f. (speaking in foreign language) - Mr. Chow says you left out silk, astronomy, canals and steel.

- Don't forget antique collecti.

- I think perhaps we shall.

Good day, Sir Desmond.

- No, don't go, not yet.

The pig, give me the pig.

(screaming) (pig shatters) - So, Lawrence did have an SS10.

This can't be the bike he died .

- Goodbye 8,000 quid.

- And he customized his, too.

Look.

Pillion pad, fly screen.

Special switch on the handlebar.

Alloy cover over the Magdyno.

- Looks pretty similar to me.

- Well, apart from the fact that it's got a totally differee and a longer frame, yeah.

- And an extra one of those.

- Forks.

- Forks.

- Except this isn't a fork, it's his swagger stick 'cause Lawrence liked everythin.

He even kept his small change in the filler cap.

One and six for a gallon of pet.

- Which is just about what that.

- Well, with this length of fra, with this pillion and a side-va, there is no way that anyone is going to believe that this is Lawrence of Arabia.

- Well, what is it worth?

- About 8,000.

He bent the handlebars, too when he went over the top.

Oh, and you know what else I fo?

There was an eyewitness.

Saw everything.

A Corporal Catchpole.

We could have been related.

- Oh, God!

- Nobody move.

Jane, very carefully, hand me that piece of paper.

(intense upbeat music) - [Lee] It's one yuan.

- [Lovejoy] A Chinese bank bill.

- From the 12th century.

(speaking in foreign language) - Bugger me.

Circulating government note of the Sung Empire and the denomination, one yuan.

There's a penalty of disembowelt for counterfeiting and the date- - Is it very rare?

- It's unique.

There are illustrations in Chins of notes of about this age.

- Marco Polo saw them but these days there are no specimens, none.

(laughing) - At least someone finds it fun.

(speaking in foreign language) - Mr. Chow says current treasure of the Hang-Wu era.

- I suppose it loses something in the translation.

- There are ideograms inside the terracotta.

- It's the forger's joke.

Currency was marked "current treasure" and then the period.

- Of course the pig is no treasure at all with this mark.

- It's like finding Fergie's head on a Penny Black.

- By the time the pig was made, the bank note was no longer leg.

After 1126 no more were printed.

- So, how much is it worth?

- Well, more than the pig.

- More than the Penny Black.

It's priceless.

- [Jane] Is it genuine?

- [Lovejoy] How else would it end up in a 14th-century fake?

- Here is a reference to the ba.

And here, a remark about the em.

It loses something in the trans.

- It's the forger's signature and I thought it was just a leg.

- And you had to throw away £1,000 to find it.

- I'm not a gambling man, Lovej.

I've got no luck at all.

- But it seems, Sir Desmond, you do.

- The one Yuan note, eight inches by four inches.

A border of stylized dragons and arabesques.

Square seal in vermilion.

- That's it!

Oh, thank God.

- You should smash things more .

- Is it really worth a million or is Lovejoy just talking up his finder's fee?

- It's one of a kind.

It's worth whatever the bank's prepared to pay for it.

- Wouldn't we get more for it if we put it up for auction?

- Sir Desmond won't hear of it.

I can't say I blame him.

The bank's a perfect buyer.

It's like offering Mozart manuscripts to an orchestra.

- What?

- Mozart.

- Hardly.

Oh, that noise!

All we had to do was find a buyr and now it's in 1,000 pieces all over the floor.

- I thought you said you were p. - Not the pig.

Eric's motorbike.

He won't listen to a word I, to a word I say.

- At least he's stopped the mus.

(upbeat rock music) - [Nurse] Just try gently.

- Would you show me again, if I ask you nicely?

- Lovejoy, if you don't take this seriously, you may never walk properly aga.

- I don't intend to.

Once I get my finder's fee I intend to employ a chauffeur.

- Can you drive?

- Up!

Crutches.

Leg.

Leg.

Right leg.

Lovejoy, try.

- I can't.

- Lovejoy!

- An advance.

- Hardly.

- An advance?

- Hardly.

Ah, just the job.

Now, what do you think?

- These are all the pieces?

- Uh-huh.

- That's it, then.

Well, apart from the breaks we , there's not a mark on.

- So the pig has never been ope.

- The note was inside the pig when it was made as the inscrip.

- Thank you.

- And my finder's fee?

- If you think I'm paying you, you're crazy.

You destroyed my property and made you a very rich man in the process.

- Oh, marvelous.

I suppose if you burgled my houe which I consider quite possible, you'd ask for the insurance mon.

- The agreement was two per cent commission on the sale price.

- Ah, on the pig, ah, as it happens, there it is.

Take 100 percent.

(crutches crashing) - Now, that is an advance.

(knocking on door) - [Jane] Eric.

(knocking on door) Eric?

Miss Glendenning's here.

- Oh, bloody hell, I hope she doesn't want to come.

- [Jane] We wondered if we could come in, Natasha and I.

- Just a minute!

- What's he up to in there?

What have you been doing to my ?

- Hello, I was gonna ring you.

- You've taken the engine out!

- Yeah, well, I was just giving it a bit of a clean.

- [Natasha] With a hacksaw?

- Well, it was nothing major.

- You've taken the wheels off!

- [Eric] Yeah, yeah, I know.

- And the forks!

- I know, but it's not what you.

- And the petrol tank!

- Yeah, yeah, look, come here.

Come here and listen for a mome.

Now, I think we can make something really special of this bike.

Do you remember what you said about Lawrence of Arabia?

- Yeah.

- Right, well, I've got a- (upbeat music) - Yes, it's a fake.

All the tests on the pig confirm that it's genuine.

A genuine fake.

Well, it's a 14th-century copy - - Ow!

- It's even better than a Xi'an Dong Ling Tse.

We're a bank.

Now we have our own Sung Dynasty bank note.

The London office is buzzing.

Beijing has no original yuan.

- And we've got no original fin.

- Well, that is something between you and Sir Desmond.

- Who's provenancing the note?

- We are.

Oh, but it's academic.

The inscription guarantees it.

- Have you checked the X-rays on the terracotta?

- Oh, yes.

It was in perfect condition before the accident and 14th century, as you said.

- And the bank note?

You've carbon-dated the paper?

- And destroy a part of the not?

Mr. Chow would explode.

Besides, there's a forger's mar.

Current treasure.

The note was in the pig.

It's like finding a fortune coo.

- And losing a fortune.

- We are grateful to you both.

Paper money that old is extreme.

- The new stuff doesn't grow on trees either.

- We cannot get a payment to you authorized through the b. I'm sorry but Mr. Chow thought, well, he wanted me to give you, he thought it might be a good i- - Come on, out with it, out wit.

What's he sent us?

- Some fresh bamboo shoots as a matter of fact.

(speaking in foreign language) - I don't care who he is.

He's still a stupid prat!

- Quiet, please.

This is a hospital, not a trade.

- I'm sorry.

- Just keep the noise down.

- What next?

Egg fried rice and prawn cracke?

You can stick your bamboo shoot!

- That's exactly what Mr. Chow .

For your itch.

- Neither of you thought of tha.

Oh, it's fantastic!

Everybody else brought me flowe.

- Shall I fetch a vase?

- Yes, please.

Plenty of water.

We don't want the leaves to dro.

(upbeat music) (giggling) (upbeat music) - Eric!

Eric!

Eric, we've been checking into that old bank note for Lov.

Looks like quite a find.

- Tinker.

- Eric, we're a little concerned about this old motorbike that you want to sell.

Where is it?

- Here.

- Ah.

- And here and here and the wheels are over here.

- Well, so he hasn't lost it.

- Look, I've told you, I know what I'm doing.

Lovejoy always said I should have my own field.

- That was before you drove him into the middle of one.

- Look, I've told you- - Now, now, (indistinct) you tw, we've got a business to run bet.

We must all pull together.

- Or else there'll be no busine.

- Yeah, now, according to this , this bank note that Jane found at the hospital is fascinating.

It's the right size, the right .

We'd have to have a carbon test nowadays, of course.

Numismatics is a precise scienc.

Would you like to look?

- No, thanks.

I couldn't do the old mismatics.

- Numismatics has to do with mo.

- Well, then, you'd know all about it then, wouldn't you, Lady Jane?

- Thank you, Eric.

- We thought we might bring in an expert on Chinese numisma, Eric and look whose name heads .

- Sir Desmond Clark.

- Victorian florins.

Are these easy to get hold of?

- They're all over the place.

- A bit like this bike.

- Yeah, well, I'll need a bit more money to sort it out.

- How much?

- About two florins and a British Army swagger stick.

(hammer clattering) (upbeat music) - So, what am I supposed to do ?

- Run out and find a panda.

- Right.

- What's all this?

- I'm going to cure your itch.

(drill whizzing) - Maybe I could learn to live w. (drill whizzing) - Now, keep still, Lovejoy.

(drill whizzing) - What does that do?

- Haven't you heard of microsur?

(upbeat music) - We're in luck.

He only wants 200 for it.

- You already had an engine.

Why did you have to smash up the first one?

- Well, it was an antique, wasn?

Worth thousands of pounds.

Obviously, I'm gonna smash it t. I mean, did I question your jud?

Oh, cheer up, it's only money.

It's not as if he was attached .

- Unlike his legs.

- The consultant's very pleased.

Of course, he doesn't have to wk on the ward and he'd be pleased with anyone who's a friend of Sir Desmond Clark.

Contacts in high places and rapid recovery.

You're beginning to look like the perfect patient.

- What's the prize?

A free operation?

- No, no, you're the prize.

The mark of a good surgeon is that he doesn't leave one, so w?

But with Sir Desmond around, it gives my boss someone to imp.

- I know what you mean.

I once renovated a Regency staie for a family of real philistine.

Waste of time until I met the n. - What, she understood antiques?

- No, she lived upstairs.

There's no hole.

I can't see the hole in the plar where you drilled out the bambo.

- Well, that's microsurgery.

It wouldn't show up on an X-ray.

- The mark of a good surgeon is he doesn't leave one.

(gentle upbeat music) - I don't know why Lovejoy sent.

My dealings with him are over and I never had any business with you in the first place.

- This is quite a collection.

Are these Xi'an Dong Ling Tse o?

- They're all 14th century.

- And you've never been tempted to open them up?

- Be careful with that!

- They'd make quite a piggy-ban.

Perhaps enough to cover our fin.

- We've been through all that.

Is this a threat?

Are you trying to put the squee?

- What a disgusting prospect.

(clay shattering) - You idiot!

Oh, I'll sue you.

Get out!

Both of you, out!

- Right, it's all yours.

Up, down, left, right.

- Great.

- How do you spell "Kilroy"?

- Just make sure it's in Chines.

(gentle upbeat music) - [Natasha] Eric, I never thought I'd say this, but you really know what you're.

- [Eric] Thank you, Natasha.

You can see now why I couldn't stop when you asked me to.

- [Natasha] Hmm, I never imagined it could be like this.

- [Eric] Well, you've never hade than a bit of touching up before, have you?

- [Natasha] I hope we haven't gone too far.

I mean, you're sure it's safe?

Well, it's a lot safer than an antique trike with half the nuts missing, Nat.

And, as you say, I know what I'.

Would you like a biscuit?

- I don't care how many visitor!

It's the visitors he sends that I object to.

- He's trying to rest.

- Yes, yes, he's trying to wrest £60,000 from me by the worst kind of extortion.

- That's the courtesies over wi.

- Sir Desmond, what are you doi?

- I've come to stop these people destroying my property!

You mean this property?

- It can't be.

- Take a look.

- Yes, it's my pig.

- Jane, you told me you found it at Xi'an Dong Ling Tse.

- They stole it from my collect!

It's a 14th-century copy.

(speaking in foreign language) It's mine.

Now all you need is somebody to smash it for you.

(upbeat music) (pig smashing) (upbeat music) - It's a motorbike!

(speaking in foreign language) - Oh, for heaven's sake.

We didn't invent motorbikes.

The symbol for bone and for Chi.

Bone china?

- My tibia.

Your bank.

If you buy the one-yuan note, they'll both be broke.

- How did this happen?

- Same way we cured Lovejoy's i. Microsurgery.

In my opinion, the one yuan is .

I think it should be carbon dat.

Don't you?

(grunting) - It's my ankle.

- If anything's broken, Sir Des, I'm sure Dr. Pilger would be delighted to help.

(car whooshing) Air, at last.

- I don't know what he's got to complain about.

He's been in bed a week.

He's normally very keen on that.

- Not when I'm immobile from the waist down.

- It could wreck his reputation.

- What about his professional r?

He's just prevented an international swindle.

His standing's never been so hi.

- My standing has never been more painful, Eric.

(bike engine revving) - Eric.

- Calm down, Lovejoy.

Eric can handle this.

- Where's the bike?

- It's round the back.

- Do you want a coffee or tea o?

- I see it now.

- Fair enough.

Natasha!

- Who's this?

- She's the owner of Eric's Bro.

- Part owner.

I'm just not sure which part.

(speaking in foreign language) .

(bike engine revving) - Is what?

- It's an SS100, as you said.

19- - 32.

- He's noticed the dent.

- Dent?

- We were gonna straighten that.

- We think someone must have come over the handlebars.

- Someone.

- Oh, we can take that off for .

It's been customized.

- By someone.

- Yeah, probably.

I mean he put a pillion pad on the rear mudguard.

- Extra fork.

- Except that's not a fork.

It's a stick.

- A British Army swagger stick.

- [Eric] Well, there you are, t, probably belonged to- - Someone.

- It's no good.

We can't go on with this preten.

- Oh, why can't we?

- Because he'll find out eventu.

Oh, go on then, Eric.

Tell him.

There's a rattle in the fuel ta.

- Where did you find this machi?

- It's mine.

I'm from Bovington in Dorset.

Do you know it?

- Near the old army camp?

- Quite near, yeah.

- You had a price in mind?

- I think we should renovate it.

- Or just use it for spares.

- 30,000, take it or leave it.

- How much?

- Ow!

I don't believe it.

- All right, 33 but that's my f. - Done.

- I get my checkbook, Mr. Catch.

- [Everyone] "Mr. Catchpole"?

- As long as you don't expect ee to call you Mr. Catchpole.

- Oh, no, Eric will do.

Plain, old Eric, of Arabia.

(upbeat music)