[Groan] Charlotte's idea of a birthday present -- half a dozen sessions with Morrie Samuels here to help tone my body, get the circulation going, make me fit and supple.

Oh!

You know, I think Amnesty International would have something to say about this if they knew what went on down here.

Oh!

My body will not take much more of this, Morrie!

Oh, yes, it will.

You'll be surprised what it's capable of.

So, what's your line?

-Huh?

-What game are you in?

Your job.

LOVEJOY: Oh.

I'm into antiques.

We get quite a few dealers in here.

When they've been lifting old, dusty bric-a-brac all day, they need a bit of steam and a shmeiss, like them rufty-tufty scaffolders.

Yeah?

So, tell me, who else comes in, apart from the S&M crowd?

Who else?

All sorts.

Especially all sorts!

Yesterday, you know who was lying on this very slab?

-Shergar?

-[Chuckle] A retired British diplomat, a man who spent his whole life in the Middle East, been everywhere, spoke every Arab dialect there was to speak.

And you gave him a real going-over, didn't you, eh, Morrie?

In fact, this might interest you.

The only thing that interests me, Morrie, is what time you finish.

He told he was going abroad and he had this collection of Islamic antiques he wanted to get rid of.

Gave me his name and address.

Might be worth a shot.

Whatever you say, Morrie, whatever you say.

[Gasp] Oh, it's a magnificent spread, Lovejoy.

-There you go.

-My mouth is watering already.

Wait till you taste those sausages and bacon, Tink.

Morning, Tinker.

Good morning.

Lovejoy.

LOVEJOY: Morning, Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE: Well, well, well.

Caught in the act!

Hmm?

All the toxins drained out of him one day and he's busy putting them all back the next.

Charlotte, yesterday I had three apples and one banana.

Today I'm having some food.

You promised, Lovejoy.

You said you'll give it a try.

Food is an essential part of any well-balanced diet.

Isn't that true, Tink?

Absolutely right.

Why starve yourself to death in order to live longer?

I'm not worried about you, Tinker, tucking into all that high-cholesterol grub.

You're far too old for it to affect you anyhow.

Too old!

Thank you very much.

Tea?

-Mmm.

-But you, Lovejoy, you've still got a few more miles left on the clock.

Don't you think it's worth giving it a teeny weeny try?

No salt!

Makes you aggressive!

Charlotte, if it tastes good, spit it out, terrific.

Why are you dressed like that, anyway?

I came round to ask you if you wanted to play tennis.

Charlotte, I hate to disappoint you, but Tink and I have got an appointment with a retired British diplomat about some Islamic artifacts.

TINKER: That's absolutely right.

We have to see him after breakfast.

Never set out on an empty stomach.

That's what we old folks say.

[Ding] Mr. Plumb?

PLUMB: Yeah?

Lovejoy and Tinker Dill.

Major Dill.

PLUMB: Yeah?

Morrie Samuels?

Islamic artifacts?

I called you.

PLUMB: Oh, yes, so you did.

Well, I suppose you'd like to come in.

Yeah.

Excuse the mess.

I'm packing.

Seem to have spent the last 12 months packing and unpacking.

Take a seat, please.

Take a seat.

TINKER: Lovejoy tells me you've lived all your life in the Middle East, Mr. Plumb.

Oh, that's right, that's right, yes.

Pick any road between Istanbul and Arden, Cairo, Kabul, you'll be damned sure old Harold Plumb has travelled along it.

I used to drink with the British Ambassador of -- No.

No, no, I was never in the jet stream.

I was consular.

You know, passports, travel in the souq, and the odd desk, the wooden wheels of diplomacy creaking and grinding over the bumps.

Either of you ever been to the Middle East?

-Never.

-Not yet.

Oh, you should.

Go to the desert.

Tread in the steps of Thesiger in the Rub' al Khali.

Do you know, it's quite awesome to wander among the endless sand dunes, knowing that it's, what, oh, over a thousand kilometers between you and the sea.

I think I'd be inclined to stay on the beach.

I believe it was Thesiger who said that if you enter the desert, it leaves an imprint on you, brands you as a nomad.

You always have the yearning to return, wherever you are, some minutes strong, others weak.

As for me, I always take a bowl of the red sands of the desert from outside of Riyadh with me wherever I go.

Curbs the desire, so to speak.

Oh, look.

Dried figs.

Camel shit, actually.

You do have something to show us, don't you?

Oh, I do indeed, but in the Middle East, everything had its own speed.

Now, you and Mr. Dill here are lucky.

You're only getting the Reader's Digest version.

But first I want to give you a small treatise on diplomatic protocol.

We do have quite a full day, Mr. Plumb.

This is for your own good.

Call me Harold.

Sounds better.

Certainly, Harold.

HAROLD: If you are a member of Her Britannic Majesty's Diplomatic Service and you are fortunate enough to be presented with a gift from a member of the country that you're in, you may keep that gift, provided that the value does not exceed £100.

If on the other hand the value does exceed £100, it has to be handed over to the Foreign Office, where it's eventually put into auction and the original recipient may bid for the gift if he so wishes.

In that way it avoids corruption or influence.

Are you following me so far?

So far.

So good.

Now, during my career in the Middle East, I was naturally presented with many gifts, some worthless, others valuable.

Some of the valuable ones I did hand over to the Foreign Office, but others... You didn't.

Well, they were far too valuable for me to bid for, anyway, and in some cases far too beautiful to relinquish.

This house belongs to my son.

He's away on holiday with his wife and two children in Normandy.

His wife expects, nay, demands that I be gone before they return.

I'm going to San Francisco to live with my other son in two weeks' time, so if there is anything here you wish to purchase, the price would be in dollars, and I add the caveat that it will technically be the property of the Foreign Office.

Oh, I think we get the point, Harold.

Would you like to show us the stuff?

Er... 17th century incense burner given me by the Wazir of Shibam in Yemen.

You can smell the frankincense.

Look into the mirrors and they say you can see Arabia.

Now, this, Lovejoy, takes me back to Saudi Arabia, sitting under the stars by the Hejaz Railway with a Bedouin family drinking camel milk out of this bowl, which was used by Lawrence.

Quite a gift, huh?

You, um, have some provenance, do you?

Hmm?

Anything written down?

They're nomads.

Can't write.

Thank you for showing us your collection, Harold.

I don't think we'll take up any more of your time.

HAROLD: Let me see.

What's this?

Ah, yes, Iznik, Turkey.

I'm told it's from around 1550, very rare.

It was given to me by the brother of King Hussein when I was in Oman in the early 60's.

And I do have a letter.

Not the original, but a photocopy.

[Telephone ringing] Oh, sorry.

Excuse me, please.

Thank you.

Tink, one of these sold last year in Christie's for a fortune.

HAROLD: Oh, oui, monsieur, tres bien.

D'accord.

Glad you stayed now?

Everything has its own speed, Lovejoy.

Everything has its own speed.

I wonder what else the old goat's got, eh?

HAROLD: Sorry about that.

[Grunt] The bag.

Ah, thank you.

Do sit down, please.

Now, let me see.

What's this?

Oh, yes.

Ottoman tombak helmet.

Absolutely right.

Tinker.

Ottoman horse's chamfron.

Right again.

Date, want to try a date?

What, 17th century?

16th, actually.

Always had a thing for the old Ottomans.

Now, those two piece were given to me by a relative of Mustafa Kemal Ataturk for a small consular favor when I was in Ankara, '59.

See what I mean about them being too beautiful to hand over to the Foreign Office?

Certainly can.

Now, this is a photocopy of the letter that came with them.

I've got more stuff in storage in Dubai if you're interested, but, well, the helmet, chamfron, the jug... $100,000?

Cash?

$100,000?

I'd like to have the stuff photographed and then show the photos to an expert.

Sorry, no can do.

I think it only fair to point out I've had one offer already.

That phone call was from Paris.

They can be over here in, what, 48 hours?

Pity to see it go, actually.

Well, we need time to think.

Tick tock, tick... tock.

Fine, Harold, we'll pick you up tomorrow.

Harold's agreed that we can take the stuff to Walid on one condition.

What condition?

You stay in the car with Harold while I show Walid the gear.

What, as a kind of hostage?

Uh-oh.

More snacks between meals, I see?

It's lunch, actually, Charlotte, and I wasn't going to swallow.

I was just going to chew them.

Who are the suits?

My accountant and the VAT inspector.

Heavy duty.

Closing in, are they?

Negotiating a VAT refund, actually.

Don't forget Lovejoy's pie, Tinker.

They tend to go off fairly quickly.

Charlie Gimbert's not going to like this, Lovejoy.

He's not going to like it one bit.

Ah, he's not going to find out.

Unless you tell him.

Besides, I think this will make a better impression on Harold, don't you?

HAROLD: Used to have my shirts made a few yards down on the right.

Egyptian cotton, the finest cotton in the world.

TINKER: I have a rather good man in Bishop's Stortford.

HAROLD: Tell me the plan.

LOVEJOY: The plan is I go upstairs to see Walid.

HAROLD: Who's Walid?

Run him past me again, please?

Walid's an ex employee of the Louvre.

HAROLD: You mean Walid was sacked from the Louvre, don't you?

Due to illness and fatigue.

TINKER: He got sick and tired of it.

He's an expert in Islamic art.

You want a fortune for this stuff and I want to make sure it's kosher.

WALID: Well, as you say, it's an Ottoman copper gilt tombak helmet, 16th century.

I remember something like this in the Topkapi Museum in Istanbul.

Now, look here.

Look.

You see that mark?

That is the emblem of the Ottoman Court Arsenal at Hagia Eirene.

This is a very fine piece, Lovejoy.

Where do you say you got it from?

I didn't.

Yet.

Hmm.

Here you are, you see?

Look.

The same mark.

The Arsenal.

You know, I've always wondered if they had a football team.

I bet it was very, very boring if they did.

[Chuckle] Very good piece.

Not unique, but quite fine.

We had a jug like this in the Louvre.

Quite rare.

Hardly a scratch on it.

Got any provenance?

Could have.

Are these things stolen?

No.

You here to sell?

You want to buy?

Let me contact my brother.

Tell me something, Harold.

Yes, Tinker.

If Lovejoy were miles away in some secret location at this moment with all of your stuff and I were to open this door, race down the street to join him, and you being a -- not exactly a four minute miler yourself, what would you do?

You wouldn't know anything had happened to you until you had a drink of water.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, Sev.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[Foreign language] Well, we go to 40,000 for the jug and 50 each for the helmet and the chamfron.

That's £140,000 sterling, not Lebanese pounds, right, Walid?

Sterling.

The bank's around the corner.

We can have the cash here in ten minutes.

Don't get an offer like this every day, do you, Lovejoy?

You can have first refusal.

TINKER: He could have walked out of Walid's office with £140,000.

CHARLOTTE: So what stopped him?

LOVEJOY: Stopped me?

I'll tell you what stopped me.

I have been waiting for a deal like this for years.

The opportunity comes along once in a lifetime, and when it does, you have to go for it all the way, isn't that right, Tink?

And this is all confirmed in your horoscope, is it?

Charlotte, Walid is one of the sharpest operators in St. James'.

He was obviously going to double the amount on his -- TINKER: Here it is.

I knew I'd seen it somewhere.

LOVEJOY: You see?

What does it say?

Estimated between 100 and 150,000.

Estimated.

Yes, but he was going to offer me one third of that.

See how sharp he is?

Razor sharp.

Hmm.

All we have to do is put together $100,000 for dear old Mr. Plumb.

And excuse me, wait a minute, what do you mean "we"?

Charlotte, this is the deal of the decade.

Today I could've creamed off £80,000 of pure profit.

But why stop at 80, hmm?

Lovejoy, if you had £80,000, your bank would give you your own cash machine.

Tink, that money is already on the table.

What I'm suggesting is that we each put in round about £20,000, right?

20,000?

Just like that?

You've just had a VAT rebate.

Lovejoy, that was for £65.

I bought lunch.

We ate it.

Lovejoy, go to Walid, take the money.

Now, you deserve to be certified if you don't.

There's nothing involved.

No scheming, no ducking and diving.

Just need to make a couple of calls.

Here, use this.

LOVEJOY: No, no, no, you see, pardon me for saying this, but I think that you are both missing the point.

Those three pieces could fetch over a quarter of a million quid, right?

But you said yourself the gear is bent.

It's bound to go bottom up.

No, no, no, I know I said that, but I only said that to scare him.

You know, he himself said that it was almost impossible to prove, right?

It's the "almost" I don't like.

Take the cash, Lovejoy.

Charlotte, this deal is good.

I mean, I can -- [Sniff] I can smell it, hmm?

You can have your car gold plated.

Trust me.

You are not making any sense.

You've never even seen 80,000 in one lump and now you're walking away from it.

You're barking mad!

-No, I'm not.

-Wired to the moon.

No, no, no, no.

No, I'm not.

But if neither of you is willing to go along with me, I shall go it alone.

I thought you were broke.

I shall borrow it.

BOTH: Borrow it?

VIKI: We've been from Gatwick to Rhodes, back to Gatwick, turned around, then onto Malaga.

Now we've got a stopover in Torremolinos, then back to Gatwick, off to Faro, and back again at lunchtime.

Sounds like you hardly have time to drink your duty free.

You seen your mum lately?

VIKI: Yeah, a fortnight ago.

She comes to stay for the odd weekend when I'm here.

She got another... well, you know, she got a new friend, or is she... is she still with what's-his-name?

Well, you know what I'm asking, don't you?

-Dad.

-What?

You don't have to be embarrassed.

She still sees Harold occasionally, that's all.

But they're not living together, if that's what you mean.

Harold the Creep.

Still cooking, is he?

Still using the smoke alarm as a timer?

He's an airline caterer, actually, and he helped me to get this job.

Just don't tell her you've seen me.

She always asks me if I've seen you.

And I nearly always say no.

Well, this time next week, I think things are going to be a little different.

You and I are going to fly off to somewhere with palm trees and white sandy beaches, and you will not be serving the in-flight meals.

If only I had a pound for every time I heard that.

These are the deeds to the flat and all the papers that go with it.

-Oh, ta.

-You bought it, so you can do what you want with it.

Viki, I'm not going to sell it, love.

It's your home, isn't it?

I'm just going to put it up as security until next week.

There's absolutely no risk.

I've just got to show my banker something, that's all.

Look, Viki, if -- if you don't trust me...

Course I trust you.

You're my dad, aren't you?

LOVEJOY: Look, Viki, if you don't trust me... VIKI: Course I trust you.

You're my dad, aren't you?

Yeah, just going, Your Honor, just going.

Got no choice, have I?

LOVEJOY: $94,000... $95,000.

JOHN: Where'd you say it was?

Paddington, John.

Paddington.

Screwed a few drums in Paddington, I have.

Might even have done this one.

You never know.

Never thought I'd be doing business with you, Lovejoy.

Sign both, keep one.

It's 10% over one month, and if you don't come up with the readies, you're out on the street, no messing.

You got that straight, right?

Yes, John, I have.

99,000... 100,000.

I shall be back here by the 31st no problem, John.

What's it for, hmm?

Come on, Lovejoy.

If it's tasty, I might go in with you.

LOVEJOY: Well, it's not your kind of thing, John.

It's antiques.

Couple of Turkish bits of armor and a Turkish jug.

Leave it out.

A hundred grand?

Sounds like a Turkish mug to me.

Worth three times that, actually, John.

Hooky gear, is it?

Hmm?

No.

Sort of.

Could be, might be.

Certainly not that sort of stuff, you know?

No risk, just... got to keep schtum about it, you know?

Oh, yes, very nice, John.

Did you lay that?

Out of your league, Lovejoy.

[Chuckle] John?

-Got it from a Norwegian.

-It's been recovered.

One has.

Don't like it.

Gives me the screamers.

See you on the 31st.

And make that 11:00, will you?

No problem.

And I'm quite a good judge of men's characters.

You didn't look to me like a person who would pass on a deal like this.

Oh, look, I've decided to throw in the rest of the stuff.

I'm sure your friend Tinker will think of something highly decorative to do with the camel crap.

LOVEJOY: And what about the copies of the letters?

HAROLD: Oh yes, yes, well, they're both there.

Letters, yeah.

I've even translated them for you and marked where you have to change the names.

Well, that's it, then, Harold.

All that remains is to say thank you and wish you a pleasant time in the States.

I hope you'll enjoy it there.

Well, I've lived for too long outside the shelter of my colonial life, Lovejoy, to live in a city.

I shall be back to the desert before long.

And just one last thing.

Hmm?

Don't contact me again.

What is that?

What on earth is that?

Dry fruits of the desert.

Try one.

I don't think so.

Very low in cholesterol, Charlotte.

It's Arabic health food.

Could catch on.

No, I've just had my light yogurt.

I couldn't possibly eat another thing.

Well, I'll see you in a couple of hours, Popov.

So, you've actually done it?

He's raised the money.

Mm-hmm.

These are mine, they're all mine, until I sell them for 150,000 smackers, that is.

Sound the trumpets, hail the conquering hero.

Yes, thank you very much, Tink, but I won't be sharing the profits with you.

How does this look?

-Better on the horse.

-Thank you, Charlotte.

I cannot believe this thing is worth 50,000.

Yes, well, it is, and as soon as Popov knocks off a couple of letters of provenance, I shall stick them in an auction house.

Well, you're not sticking them in mine.

Popov is a forger.

He should be in prison.

Popov is an artist.

He should be in the National Gallery.

A small dab with the old India tea bag... so as not to make it look too perfect.

And there you have it.

Yeah, just needs a little distressing, hmm?

All right, so you press it a few times with an old hot flat iron, huh?

You're looking now at £300.

Not bad.

20 seconds' work.

Put a decent frame round it, you're looking at £400.

I don't want you to get carried away by all this modern technology.

You're an artist, Popov, of the old school.

You love your work.

You know me.

You know I will never prostitute my art.

Except for money, that is.

Of course.

Got a couple of photocopies here, right?

I want you to create originals from them using the name Yussef Al Jumar instead of Harold Plumb.

And of course you want these yesterday.

Of course.

Hmm.

Hundred pounds each.

C.O.D.?

The old school, eh?

Pooh!

-That's right.

-[Laugh] [Knock] Come!

Lovejoy?

Not here.

Who are you?

I'm Major Dill, a sort of an associate chappie.

Well, Major Associate Chappie, I'm Sergeant Harrison.

This is Detective Constable Cox.

-How do you do?

-We're from Scotland Yard, the Art and Antiques Squad, CID.

How do you spell that?

HARRISON: We understand that Lovejoy... COX: Who is actually known to us from previous experiences.

HARRISON: That Lovejoy's been dealing in certain antique Turkish artifacts which are the rightful property of someone else.

Is that so?

Well, Lovejoy's every move is about to be monitored.

His entire life and this place will be taken apart atom by atom and molecule by molecule.

We'll find what we're looking for one way or the other, or he can just hand the stuff over to us and nothing more will be heard about it.

How about that for a proposition?

You're very tall, aren't you?

I'm sorry, I just can't answer for Lovejoy.

HARRISON: What's this, then?

Not cannabis, is it?

No, no, it's Arabian fruits of the desert, a form of dried fig.

Dried fig, eh?

I'm starving.

Urgh!

That's disgusting.

Tastes like camel shit!

Urgh!

LOVEJOY: I've been grassed up, Tink.

The swine has grassed me up.

Who?

The snake who leant me the money, the skunk, the puss pimple.

Who was it?

Can't tell you.

I'll just have to flog the stuff to Walid and settle for the 80 grand.

My heart bleeds for you, Lovejoy.

How will you manage?

You're wasting your time.

Why?

They've gone, ain't they?

What, to lunch?

Beirut.

Beirut?

They always go round this time of year, for about five or six months.

They leave an address, phone number?

No, never.

They let their stuff pile up till they get back.

I stick it in the office for them.

HARRISON: Excuse me.

Hello, there.

I'm Detective Sergeant Harrison from the Art and Antiques Squad.

I'm looking for Mr. Walid.

CHARLOTTE: Watch this, Lovejoy.

50 bounces in the morning and 50 in the evening.

Have you got that?

LOVEJOY: Maybe I can use it to bounce out the window when the police come for me.

CHARLOTTE: Ah.

That's the trouble, Lovejoy.

They're already onto you.

You can't sell this stuff publicly.

I can't even auction it off.

Ask Harold for your money back.

Oh, by the way, I saw him in the Diplomatic Service List under Consul for Ankara.

LOVEJOY: Tink, he's not going to give me a refund.

Charlotte, will you please stop doing that?

You're making me very nervous.

TINKER: It makes me feel seasick.

There is of course one possible way out.

What, take the pearl handled revolver from the safe?

Preempt any visit by the Art and Antiques Squad by going to the Foreign Office.

The Foreign Off-- are you mad?

They'd throw me in the Tower.

No, they won't.

You said yourself that they'd auction the stuff.

Level with them.

Tell them you put up $100,000 and you're prepared to turn the pieces over to them on condition that when the hammer goes down, they give you 5% on top of your investment or at the very least give you your money back.

Well, that way, everybody wins.

It's worth a shot.

Trouble is there's a time limit on my loan.

Who did you get this loan from, anyway?

Well, it doesn't matter.

The game is up 11 a.m. on the 31st and everybody knows that government departments take forever, Charlotte.

I'm willing to bet that Charlotte was at school with somebody who is now married to somebody who is high up in the Foreign Office, right?

Only married to?

I think I can do a bit better than that, Tinker.

PIERS: You must be Charlotte.

And you must be Lovejoy.

-Lovejoy.

-Piers Dowell, Rachel's assistant.

Pleased to meet you, Piers.

-Piers.

-Do you want me to carry that?

Oh, no, no, no, no, I can manage.

By the way, this is Durbar Court, white and gray Carrara marble.

If we have a do in here, we never allow red wine because of the stains.

Rachel tells me you've come all the way down from Suffolk.

Yes, do you know it at all?

Not really, no.

No, I was up there for an all night rave about a month ago.

Rachel said we should hold the meeting where you feel most at home.

This is all part of the Locarno Suite.

Now, through there is where the Locarno Treaty was signed in 1925.

If you'd like to put your things on the table, I'll go and tell Rachel you're here.

You -- you would like some coffee, I take it?

LOVEJOY: How much is it?

Yes, please, that would be lovely.

LOVEJOY: Oh, yes, the old Locarno Ballroom.

And I thought it was in Streatham.

Lovejoy!

Lovejoy, will you please close these doors.

Charlotte, I'm a taxpayer.

I'm simply seeing how my money is spent.

Oh?

And when did you last pay any tax?

Oh, Charlotte!

Look at this!

-Hmm?

-Look at the shine on this, the depth of the shine on this.

I mean, people would give their right arm to know how this is done.

Well, there's your answer.

Oh, coffee.

Black, please, um, Mavis.

-Lovejoy!

-What?

Charlotte.

It's wonderful to see you.

You too.

Rachel, this is Lovejoy.

-Rachel.

-Hello, Lovejoy.

Piers is going to take some picture of these ancient bits and pieces you've brought to show somebody upstairs.

Is that all right?

-Oh, yes.

-Why don't we all sit down?

I understand you bought them from a retired British diplomat.

That's right, yes, a Mr. Harold Plumb.

He's been a British consul all over the Middle East.

Really?

Obviously he's hoarded a lot of stuff and just never got around to returning it all back to you.

And from what Charlotte tells me, you want us to auction them and give you your money back?

Plus 5% of the total auction price.

You see, we realize, Rachel, that technically this stuff does belong to you, but this benefits everyone with the least hassle.

Well, Lovejoy, I've got some good news and some not so frightfully good news.

Which would you like first?

Hit me with the good.

Well, these items do not and have never belonged to the Foreign Office.

We have no claim over them whatsoever.

[Whistle] Right.

Hit me with the bad.

We do know someone who does have a claim to them.

Not Harold Plumb, is it?

No, it's Sheik Faisal Bin Fahad Alatabi.

Who?

Sheik Alatabi.

He's a Kuwaiti businessman.

He owned a collection of very valuable Islamic antiques which were looted by the Iraqis during the invasion of Kuwait.

Well, so what?

I mean, they made hundreds of tombak helmets and chamfrons.

But these three pieces are particularly well documented.

We're very grateful to you.

We hadn't realized they'd already reached this country.

What about your man Plumb, hmm?

What are you going to do, have him arrested for possession of stolen property?

That'll look good in the papers, won't it?

Harold Plumb is dead.

He died several years ago shortly after he retired from the service.

That was him.

CHARLOTTE: So who's this person Lovejoy's been dealing with?

Ah.

Yep.

That's my Harold Plumb.

No, his name is Harold Yussef Kassim.

He's an Egyptian.

He's one of the front men who've been selling off Alatabi's collection piece by piece.

His mother was an English nurse who married an Egyptian kalesh driver.

A handsome cab driver, I suppose you'd call him.

Never been a diplomat, of course.

No, never.

He worked the embassies as a farrash.

-A what?

-A farrash.

somebody who makes the tea, runs errands, takes messages, that sort of thing.

-A teaboy.

Hmm.

-Lovejoy?

You've just given $100,000 to a teaboy.

I believe he was fired from our embassy in Oman for having dubious allegiances just before the start of the Gulf War.

Well, I'm sure old Sheik Al Mahak-maha-mahak-maha or whatever his name is won't mind stumping up $100,000 for the return of his stolen property, will he, hmm?

We could always return it for you if you wish.

We'd explain the circumstances, of course.

Of course you would.

I'd prefer to hand it over personally.

I do like a drop of champagne, you see.

You do realize the legal status of these things, don't you?

That they allegedly belong to someone else.

And I think it's only fair to warn you that we believe there are two detectives from Scotland Yard's Art and Antiques Squad waiting downstairs.

I think it would be much better off all round if you left these things here with us, Lovejoy.

Oh, good afternoon.

Think I'm looking for your father and your grandfather, Harold Plumb, Yussef Kassim, whatever his name is, hmm?

My father's called Bernard.

He lives in Leeds.

Sounds to me like you're looking for the house sitter.

-The what?

-The house sitter.

He were looking after the place while we were away.

-So where's he now?

-Oh, God knows.

We've been back almost a week.

We got him from the agency up in town.

Why don't you ask them?

Aaaaaaaah!

[Engine revving] Mr. Plumb -- Mr. Plumb, just one moment, Mr. Plumb.

We haven't finished counting all the money yet.

Oh, it's all there.

Believe me, it's all there.

Ha!

CHARLOTTE: Now you'll have to tell me, Lovejoy.

Where did you get the money from?

LOVEJOY: Don't ask, Charlotte, just don't ask.

CHARLOTTE: As bad as that, is it?

LOVEJOY: Worse, much worse.

Oh, come on, Lovejoy, it can't be that bad.

It is.

I put up Viki's flat as security.

You put up your daughter's flat as security?

Yeah, and she's probably going to lose it.

Boy, oh boy, that must have taken some doing.

Was your tail rattling as you slid across the floor?

Charlotte, I didn't think this deal could fall through, and Walid's offer was like having it engraved on a tablet of stone.

Couldn't lose.

80 grand pure profit.

Got greedy.

Yeah.

I was going to take her on holiday as well.

Well, it looks like the only travelling she's going to be doing is in the back of a removal van.

Oh, don't, Charlotte.

Please, I feel gutted.

CHARLOTTE: You know something, Lovejoy?

When you die, you'll have so few friends, there'll only be one candle on your coffin, and that'll be on the inside.

POPOV: Such a great pity it all fell apart.

Still, that's what you get when you deal with hyenas like John Hill!

I tried my best with these things.

This paper is Turkish.

This paper is Jordanian.

Bah!

No matter.

Maybe I frame them and I -- I put them in a car boot sale.

It's beautiful work, Popov.

It's beautiful work.

Here.

No, no, no, no, no, the old school, Popov, always pays its debts.

POPOV: Well, then, Lovejoy, I do a deal with you.

I also have family trouble.

My granddaughter Tatiana was also screwed by John Hill.

Er, out of money, I mean.

She's from St. Petersburg.

Same family business, a bit of this, bit of that.

She came here on a tourist visa with a few things.

She sold John Hill a small Fabergé egg.

Oh, I saw it in his safe.

Very pretty.

Fall off the back of a troika, did it, Popov?

Yes, I don't know, maybe, I don't know.

Anyway, they agreed to $1,000.

Of course, he never paid her one lousy cent.

Of course.

What do you expect with a hyena like that?

I have to give her the money to go home, poor child.

Lovejoy, if I can suggest a way of getting the egg back, you can keep the £200.

What do you say?

If you can suggest a way of getting my daughter's flat back, you can keep the £200.

What do you say to that?

It's very simple, Lovejoy.

Ah, the old Geiger counter, eh?

Oh, the only thing missing is a beautiful scientist with blonde hair and a white coat, and revenge could be ours.

What?

Oh, no.

Absolutely no way.

[Knocking] CHARLOTTE: Mr. Hill.

Mr. John Hill?

Who the hell are you?

Dr. Cavendish, Radiological Contamination Test Department.

By law, we have to follow up any incident which has been reported.

JOHN: Incident?

What incident?

CHARLOTTE: Some time ago you bought an egg, a Fabergé egg.

Yeah, I -- I bought an egg.

What of it?

Have you ever heard of Chernobyl, Mr. Hill?

What's that, a drink or something?

CHARLOTTE: It's a place in Russia where there was a nuclear accident a few years ago, remember?

What you getting at?

Your egg is probably radioactive.

Radioactive?

What are you talking about?

It's a scam, innit?

You're making all this up, ain't ya?

WOMAN: The street's now cleared, area sealed, area safe.

We're on site and are ready to proceed.

Who's on the blower?

What's going on?

CHARLOTTE: Normal procedure.

We've cleared the area and had it sealed off.

JOHN: Sealed what off?

CHARLOTTE: Specialist clean-up department.

We have to have them.

JOHN: Oh, my God.

She's on the level.

This is serious, innit?

CHARLOTTE: We don't make these things up, Mr. Hill.

JOHN: No.

No, course not.

Course not.

Now, may I have a look at the egg?

JOHN: Go on, then.

CHARLOTTE: Thank you, Mr. Hill.

You're serious, ain't ya?

What's that?

What's that clicking?

That's normal.

That's just background radiation.

Now, let's move a little closer and see what we've got here.

[Clicking increasing] [Rapid clicking] There's a problem.

This is really active.

Active?

What do you mean, active?

CHARLOTTE: A bit on the warm side.

Now, anything that came into contact with the egg will have been contaminated.

Code Red.

I need two for a lift.

What about me?

What's going to happen to me?

[Clicking] [Clicking] [Rapid clicking] Bloody hell.

CHARLOTTE: Have you had any vomiting, weight loss, hair falling out?

JOHN: No, nothing like that.

Don't go over the top, Dr. Cavendish.

Will I snuff it?

Will I die?

We're going to have to get you to a specialist just as soon as we can.

LOVEJOY: John?

-Lovejoy?

-What's going on, eh?

John, what the hell's going on here, eh?

-Popov's egg is killing me.

-Whose egg?

Popov's egg's killing you?

What are you talking about?

I'm a goner, Lovejoy.

What do you mean you're a goner?

I came over here, John, to see if we could work out something on the flat, you know?

It's the 31st.

My time's up.

Your time's up?

What about me?

Vomiting, weight loss, hair falling out.

I'm going, Lovejoy!

Going where, John?

What about the flat, the flat in Paddington?

What the hell do I want with a flat in Pad-- Take the deeds.

I don't want them.

They're in the safe.

Cheers, John.

Do you know the name of a good priest, Lovejoy?

I mean a really good one?

That man Popov really is a genius, Lovejoy.

-Yeah.

-Look at this.

The harder you press the handle, the faster the signal sounds.

Oh, well.

Where there's no sense, there's no feeling.

Very good day's graft, Charlotte.

Viki gets her flat back, Popov gets his egg back, and John Hill gets what he deserves.

-Uh-uh... -What?

Lovejoy?

Lovejoy, hang on.

Hang on a minute.

I found a priest.

He's on his way, but I've got a confession to make to you.

What have you got to confess to me?

Dr. Cavendish said you behaved like a real man up there, John.

JOHN: Yeah, I know all that crap.

CHARLOTTE: Excuse me, please, gentlemen, I'm in rather a hurry to get rid of this egg, and Mr. Hill here has rather a lot of scrubbing to do.

You see, Lovejoy, the thing is, the $100,000 I gave you, well, they was counterfeit, wasn't they?

What?

You gave me $100,000 worth of counterfeit money against my daughter's flat?

Well, yeah, I didn't see why not at the time.

You still might finish up with a smacking, if you know what I mean, but now you've got the deeds back, we're all square, right?

Right.

Right?

Do you know what I should do to you, John?

Do you know what I should do to you?

Come on, please.

We really must make a move.

I hope it drops off!

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, yours too.

Here, did you ever follow up that tip I gave you about that diplomat chap?

LOVEJOY: Oh, yeah, I did, Morrie, but he'd gone by the time I got there.

Oh, pity about that.

But it's funny I should mention a man having something to sell, because only this morning I had a Chinaman in here, and he said he'd got a load of antiques out of China and -- Hey, I haven't finished yet.

LOVEJOY: Goodbye, Morrie!

But where are you going, Lovejoy?

Aaaaaaaah!