[ Sea gulls crying ] WOMAN ON P.A.

: Attention, please.

Attention, please.

This is the last and final call for passengers traveling to Hoek van Holland.

This is the last and final call.

Thank you.

[ Wind gusting ] LOVEJOY: [ Grunting ] Be brave, Lovejoy.

Even the kids don't yelp these days.

-Have a little rinse.

-Mm.

[ Gargling ] All right.

Open.

Come on.

Do you know a man called Terence Sullivan at all -in your line of business?

-Huh.

MALCOLM: No?

He's married to my sister Maureen.

Or he was.

All the signs are, he's no longer with us.

He was last seen on the Harwich-Hook ferry three weeks ago.

I know he got on, but not where he got off.

-LOVEJOY: Huh.

-The thing is, Maureen would appreciate a little help.

-LOVEJOY: [ Muffled ] Help?

-Well, guidance.

And knowing that I'd got you today...

It's the police you need.

Oh, no, no, no.

She's had them up to the gills.

There you are.

That's you done.

[ Normal voice ] I'm not the man you want, Malcolm, for this.

-MALCOLM: No?

-No.

Pity.

Settle up with Claudia outside, will you?

LOVEJOY: [ Groaning ] BETH: Oh, you look dreadful!

We thought we'd come and collect you, Lovejoy, in case you were under the weather.

Well, as long as you don't mock, Tink.

-You could be next.

-Oh, not me, Lovejoy.

Other parts may be beginning to fail, but I've the teeth of the tiger.

That'll be £96, please, Mr. Lovejoy.

How much?

-Malcolm!

-MALCOLM: Hmm?

Give me Maureen's address.

I'll trade you.

TINKER: Terence Sullivan.

Once described as the Lovejoy of King's Lynn.

I've never heard of him.

Did he jump, or was he pushed?

Is this unfinished business we can pick up on, Lovejoy?

Are we vultures, Tink?

His poor wife.

LOVEJOY: Exactly.

We do it for Maureen.

All for Maureen, Beth.

So, how did you hear about it, Maureen?

The police came 'round.

Someone on the ferry had heard a splash and seen a dark object in the sea.

Helicopters went out, but they didn't find anything.

How did they know it was your husband?

There was a stewardess who knew him.

He made the trip that often.

And he was the only one of the passengers they couldn't account for.

Flapjack?

It's homemade.

Yummy.

Ooh!

Who was he going to see in Holland?

Was he, uh... Was he a little disturbed before he left?

It wasn't suicide.

[ Sighs ] He was an optimist, even when things were against him... though I was never quite sure what he was up to.

Furniture always changing under me.

You know how it is.

Yes.

We know how it is.

Not sure there's anything here now.

You never know what he was sitting on, do you?

Where did he keep his stock?

I don't know.

It's only since he's been gone that I've realized what a state he was in financially.

People phoning up, letters by every post.

God knows how I'm ever going to answer them.

[ Cup clinks ] TINKER: Yes.

Well, we'll make a couple of calls and see what we can come up with.

You know how it is.

Well, I'm very grateful to you both just for coming along.

-We'll stay in touch.

-MAUREEN: Thanks.

And... whatever you may hear about Terence from others, he was always a lovely man to me.

Oh!

[ Laughing ] Oh!

Oh, do come in, Mr. Gimbert.

[ Chuckles ] It's lovely.

Just had my lunch.

Oh!

[ Laughs ] Tink... ...letter of condolence from Charlie Gimbert.

"Sullivan, what about my £3,000?

Come on, you little toerag.

Pay up, or I'll have to get stern with you."

Nice, eh?

Sullivan.

I know I've got him somewhere.

Yes.

He brought us a Queen Anne side chair.

It went for £50,000 last October.

Mm.

And the man himself?

Oh, a charmer with an eye for the ladies.

The Lovejoy of King's Lynn.

Nothing dodgy about him?

Not that came to my ears.

He's had an accident, you said?

We're trying to help the widow.

-Is that all?

-Yes, Kate!

Sometimes when people are in trouble, you have to help them.

Hmm?

Lovejoy, the people's friend.

Oh.

What a refreshing way to relax after a long, hard morning on the bench.

CHARLIE: [ Chuckles ] Why you wish to become a magistrate, Mr. Gimbert, I can't imagine.

Well, you know, Mrs. Normington, life's been good to me.

I think it's time I gave something back.

Oh.

Admirable sentiments.

If only others were as public-spirited as you.

CHARLIE: Mm.

You must come to dinner with the judge and myself.

Delightful.

And you must come and swim again.

MRS. NORMINGTON: Oh.

Yes, please.

Thursday?

-Uh...Thursday.

-Ah.

[ Grunts ] Oh!

And I must ask you -- You are having the dog show this year at Felsham?

Only I hadn't seen it advertised, and people are beginning to ask.

Dog show?

MRS. NORMINGTON: On the lawn.

Well, it's a tradition.

Lord and Lady Felsham never let us down.

It's the last week of this month.

Yes, of course.

MRS. NORMINGTON: And the children's pet corner.

And sideshows and everything!

And the children's pet corner and sideshows, yes.

Good.

See you Thursday, same time.

[ Chuckles ] Might I bring a friend?

-Of course.

-Thank you.

[ Engine turns over ] Bye.

CHARLIE: What do you know about a dog show up at Felsham Hall?

Ah.

It's an annual event.

Lady Felsham would never have missed it.

Oh, that means the grass will be covered.

Doo-doo is a small price to pay for keeping in with the doggy set.

Who were you talking to just now, by the way?

Never you mind who.

What have you got there?

We're just trying to turn a penny.

There's a Mrs. Sullivan on the phone.

Oh, thank you, Beth.

Oh, and, Charlie... just keep the Rottweilers away from Kiddies' Corner, eh?

Kiddies?

Maureen.

I've found something in one of his suit pockets.

Right.

What have we got here?

Oh.

19th-century Chinese geese.

Export.

What are we talking about -- 2 or 3 grand, tops?

2 maybe.

Nothing to go overboard about, Tink.

TINKER: Mm.

Still... TINKER: Isn't it £3,000 he owes Charlie Gimbert?

Gimbert is not gonna get a penny of this, Tink.

Not a penny.

-All for the widow.

-[ Engine turns over ] All for the widow.

White bodies, brown feet, beaks, molded plumage.

A pair.

Yeah, identical.

Well, I don't know, Martin.

What would you say?

[ Footsteps approaching ] You would, eh?

Thank you, Martin.

I may get back to you.

Christie's have confirmed our price -- 3 grand, tops, but that was Martin of Macclesfield offering me 4.

Sight unseen?

Mm.

What does he know that we don't?

He knows a buyer.

Same one that Sullivan was gonna meet in Holland when he slipped on a wet deck?

Something's up, Tink.

If you want to use my telephone, Lovejoy, why don't you wait until I've gone to lunch?

I always like to pay my debts.

-Speaking of lunch... -Spoken for.

Sorry.

Elspeth of Hungerford knows geese.

This isn't in the normal line of business.

Lovejoy's trying to help a widow in need.

CHARLOTTE: [ Scoffs ] Oh, hello?

May I speak to Elspeth, please?

And that's another 50p.

TINKER: Oh, I'm sorry.

When?

Well, I'm sorry to have troubled you.

So, what have we got?

We've got a pair of geese, not that special, but somebody loves them.

Their owner may be in hock to Charlie Gimbert, goes to Holland to try to make a deal.

Maybe.

Falls overboard.

Another red herring?

Something's fishy.

Just like this.

[ Woman coughs ] I don't know.

Time was when cigar smoke used to have the ladies drooling.

I don't know what the world's coming to.

So, about this dog show... Well, seems like we're stuck with it, but my idea is to have an event in the evening.

Black tie, invited guests.

Dealers, collectors.

Animal theme.

A percentage to Wildlife Action.

Oh, but that's lovely!

I thought so.

And you, my dear, would be my perfect organizer and hostess.

-Me?

-Oh, the glamour to front the action.

With me being just a solitary bachelor... "The Cavendish House invites you to a gala evening at Felsham Hall."

You've got it.

Thank you for a lovely lunch, Charlie.

Charlie Gimbert, Justice of the Peace?

Imagine coming up in front of him in the morning with a hangover.

Never mind that.

I said you would help.

-You too, Tinker.

-Thank you.

And, Beth... -would you do a leaflet for us?

-Yeah.

Easy.

Charlotte, these charities are not always what they seem to be.

-You should know that.

-It's not a charity.

It's a sale.

Business.

Oh, come on.

We can have some fun together.

Fun.

Yeah.

What's wrong with it?

Tinker, why am I being pushed into this?

Oh.

We could stick the geese in it.

Beth, tell me about these geese.

Oh, well, they're lovely.

Chinese porcelain, export -- -Beth!

-Yeah, Beth.

Excuse me.

First thing you learn in this business -- schtum.

Well, not with Charlotte.

She's one of us.

Well, aren't I?

Anyway, they sound just the thing -- animals, wildlife.

These are domestic geese.

[ Clears throat ] Excuse me.

He's a little sensitive today.

CHARLOTTE: What about?

Gather 'round, and I'll tell you a charming story.

Tink?

Beth?

Work to do.

What is so special about them?

They're cracked.

Look.

LOVEJOY: It's not about value, Beth.

It's about someone who wants them.

But why?

Maybe two people who want them equally.

LOVEJOY: Rival obsessives.

If we can find two such people, pit them together, what sport, what profit.

You know, Sullivan could have been on to this, right?

Someone in this country... ...known to Martin in Macclesfield.

And someone in Holland who Sullivan was setting up.

TINKER: It could have cost him his life.

They murder for it?

D'Hondt.

-D'Hondt?

-Yeah, D'Hondt.

The fella we met last year.

-What, that bloke from Brussels?

-Yeah.

-No.

-He was into birds.

He was into geese.

Birds of all kinds.

-No.

Buffalo.

-And birds.

No, it wasn't.

It was buffalo.

Cloisonné-enamel buffalo.

No.

And birds.

I think you'll find I'm right about this, Tink.

TINKER: I think you'll find you're wrong about this.

-I know I'm right.

-No.

I know you're wrong.

-I'll bet you a fiver.

-You haven't got a fiver.

I will have when I win this bet.

WOMAN: I'm on my 50th length.

-WOMAN #2: Oh!

-WOMAN #3: Oh!

LOVEJOY: That's Mrs. Normington, the judge's wife.

That's Mrs. Pelham, the chief constable's wife.

Don't know the other two, though, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Whomever, they seem to have started a swimming club in my pool twice weekly.

[ Chuckles ] Well, you know what they say -- Give them an inch...

I'm just honored to be part of the Wildlife Committee.

Is it nice and warm, ladies?

WOMAN: Oh, yes!

LOVEJOY: [ Chuckles ] Do you know a dealer called Sullivan, Charlie?

Terence Sullivan.

Sullivan?

He owes me.

What's he up to?

Ahh!

He slipped off the side of a ship.

More than likely.

LOVEJOY: To avoid creditors, some people say.

Natty line in wigs, Sullivan.

Didn't push him, did you, Charlie?

[ Chuckles ] Not worth the bother.

Piddling amount.

Write it off to tax.

Why are you asking me all this, Lovejoy?

Well, the widow was a bit distressed.

Thought you might have put pressure on him.

You know -- the balance of his mind.

She said that?

I never even met the bloody woman.

Don't worry about it.

[ Sighs ] Bye, ladies.

-WOMAN: Oh, bye-bye!

-WOMAN #2: Bye, Mr. Lovejoy!

WOMAN #3: Goodbye, Mr. Lovejoy.

[ Ringing ] Lovejoy Antiques.

How may I -- Oh.

-It's your dentist.

-Oh.

Malcolm.

Hello.

Yeah?

What?

When?

I'll be right over.

Yep.

Loose filling.

Back later.

[ Keyboard clacking ] Kate... what do you make of Lovejoy?

-[ Chuckles ] -Something funny?

You want a character reference?

No.

I want to know what you think.

KATE: Is he a good bet, you mean?

For you?

Well... ...yes.

Lovejoy is, um...unique.

What does that mean?

Whatever you want it to mean.

No, that's not good enough.

I want hard facts.

I want to know... Is he honorable, for instance?

Oh, dear.

What a funny word... for Lovejoy.

Well, I thought I'd got his number, but Tink's been telling me about a widow he's been helping.

Well, he makes him sound like a saint.

Well, Tinker's his friend.

Personally speaking, Lovejoy is one of the sweetest people I know.

What more do you want?

Don't listen to me.

Get on with it.

Sweet.

Note from a dead man this morning.

-Who delivered it?

-I don't know.

Claudia said she was young and blond.

She's coming back at 7:00 for some key that I'm supposed to get off Maureen without her knowing.

-Bloody cheek.

-This Sullivan's handwriting?

How would I know?

Can't really ask Maureen, can I?

Hornets' nest.

-Give it to her.

-[ Telephone ringing ] Where did you get that?

I won't ask.

Teeth all right?

Like a tiger's.

[ Ringing continues ] [ Sighs ] Surgery.

Yeah, he is.

Lovejoy?

LOVEJOY: Yeah.

It's for you.

Ta.

Yeah?

There's an invitation to supper, Lovejoy... from Miss Cavendish, to discuss Charlie's gala evening.

I'm working, Tink.

Well, I offered to go in your place -- a suggestion she received rather harshly, I thought.

You're half an hour late already.

-Business before pleasure.

-TINKER: What business?

-[ Doorbell buzzes ] -She's early.

-[ Dial tone ] -Thanks.

Have you got another way out of here?

[ Door opens ] -MALCOLM: What do I say to her?

-[ Buzzing continues ] Just give her the key.

There's no way she can use it tonight.

[ Thunder rumbling ] Get lost, did we?

Dentist.

And, um...could I have a little warning next time?

Now, I expect you'll want to get out of those nasty wet things.

Towel and dressing gown... upstairs, first on the left.

Oh, yes.

This is very, uh...

If you would have got here earlier, you'd have seen a rainbow over my lake.

A rainbow?

Actually, it's at its best in the early morning.

More wine?

There, now.

Hm.

CHARLOTTE: That's nice.

LOVEJOY: [ Breathes deeply ] [ Clears throat ] CHARLOTTE: Supper won't be long.

I had to turn it off.

Sorry about that.

I'm starving.

So... tell me about this man.

What man?

The one who fell off a ferry, and all he left was a pair of geese.

Oh.

I'm just trying to sell them to help his widow pay off his debts.

Don't know anyone, do you?

-Into geese?

-LOVEJOY: Mm.

[ Chuckles ] No.

-Mm-hmm.

-CHARLOTTE: Sorry.

But what you're saying does confirm things I've been hearing about you lately.

What's that?

That you've got a big heart.

Kind to animals... widows, orphans.

A sweet man.

Sweet?

Sweet.

Who said that?

Girls don't divulge their sources.

[ Chuckles ] [ Chuckles ] Ahh.

[ Breathes deeply ] [ Chuckles ] CHARLOTTE: You know, Lovejoy... we may as well be honest with each other.

When I first got back here... ...you didn't make a very good impression on me.

LOVEJOY: What did I do, Charlotte?

Well, it wasn't so much what you did, as what people said you were likely to do.

I was warned off you, which is why you may have found me a little...

Aggressive.

No.

Defensive.

What's this?

Ratatouille.

Oh.

-You know... -What?

I think I've been...

Missing something?

Definitely.

It takes time.

You have lovely eyes.

Well, so have you, Charlotte.

So have you.

Skip the chops.

Famished, you said.

LOVEJOY: Mm-hmm.

Lovejoy.

Yeah?

Come with me.

[ Rooster crowing ] Question.

In the height of passion, did you call her Lotte or Charlie?

Next question.

TINKER: Oh, come on, Lovejoy.

I know you spent the night with her.

You're wearing the same T-shirt.

LOVEJOY: I always wear the same T-shirt.

She's never shown the slightest interest in you before.

So what stroke did you pull?

As your oldest friend and confidant, I've a right to know.

Tinker, I thought you were a gentleman.

Girls don't divulge their secrets, and neither should chaps.

There he was, like a drowned rat... late, of course... with these flowers, wilting.

Wilting?

Definitely wilting.

And did he enjoy the chops?

What chops?

[ Laughs ] Here she comes.

TINKER: If I'm reading this correctly, Lovejoy, the man who threw Sullivan overboard -is now pretending to be him.

-[ Engine turns over ] [ Engine turns over ] What if he's homicidal?

Do you want to get mixed up with a murderer... now that you've fallen in love?

LOVEJOY: Right, Tink.

This is where we score, if it's who I think it is.

Well, if it's D'Hondt, he's into buffalo.

-Geese.

-Buffalo.

-Geese.

-Buffalo.

LOVEJOY: Geese!

-Buffalo.

-Geese!

Buffalo, buffalo, buffalo!

Terence.

TINKER: That man's wearing a rug, isn't he?

LOVEJOY: Natty line in wigs, Sullivan.

It's the man himself.

Obvious assumption from the start.

Yeah.

Wait here, Tink.

[ Knock on door ] [ Water running ] Who the hell are you?

Lovejoy, Mr. Sullivan.

LIEDJE: Who is it?

Uh, room service.

LIEDJE: Champagne?

No, no.

He's just come to fix the central heating.

You take as long as you like in there.

Lovejoy.

Divvy Lovejoy.

So it was you Maureen put onto me?

Smart girl, my wife.

What have you done with the geese?

Sold them already?

Not so fast, Terence.

Well, you're obviously well acquainted with the facts.

I don't want to insult you by hiding anything.

Huh?

[ Sighs ] I did what I had to do because somebody was after me.

And you rode to shore on the back of a dolphin?

-Yeah.

-Your wife thinks you're dead.

-I know.

-She's grieving for you.

Well, look.

She'll get over it.

-Don't underestimate it.

-What?

Your magic touch with the ladies, hmm?

Well, nothing we can do about that, is there?

LOVEJOY: [ Laughs ] You dumped on your wife.

You owe money to everybody, including Charlie Gimbert.

Was it him you were running away from?

-Charlie?

-Yeah.

-No, not Charlie.

-They sent the boys 'round.

-What did they do to her?

-Nothing, nothing, nothing.

She's frightened.

But I think she deserves a little respect, a little dignity.

Don't you?

Okay.

So, what's the deal?

[ Clears throat ] Very simple.

The deal is this.

I sell the geese, I take care of Maureen and Gimbert, and you disappear again.

Are you having a thing with my wife?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

This is compassion, Terence.

Look, if you sell the geese, that's it.

I've got nothing.

Between you and the deep blue sea?

Well, you know what it's like in this business.

Indeed, I do.

But what about the stewardess?

Look [Sighs] I was always gonna come clean with Maureen.

You can tell her you found me.

I don't mind that.

Tell her I'm all right and tell her not to worry.

-Tell her yourself.

-Look, they're my geese!

They're my damn geese you're thieving!

Gimbert was right -- You are a toerag.

You have no class.

No class whatsoever.

[ Door opens ] It's all right, madam.

The central heating's fine now.

Have a nice day.

TERENCE: Will you get yourself dry -- dressed -- now?

-[ Door closes ] -[ Chuckles ] Listen, Lovejoy.

You've got the geese, fair game.

But have you got anyone who wants to buy them?

I've got a geezer in Brussels who's willing to pay a price you wouldn't even dream of.

Now, here's the deal -- We split the commission 50/50.

You get the geese to me.

A couple of days, I've got it sewn up.

-D'Hondt.

-What?

D'Hondt.

What are you saying "D'Hondt" for?

D'Hondt.

I'll be in touch.

D'Hondt?

LOVEJOY: You owe me a fiver.

Beth, has Mrs. Sullivan called about... Hello, Charlie.

Lovejoy.

Just spoken to Charlotte.

She was very bobbish.

Tells me that you had a committee meeting last night... discussing the invites.

All going swimmingly, I gather.

And young Beth here -- I love her leaflet, by the way -- was telling me that the geese are the property of -- Who did you say it was, Beth?

Mrs. Sullivan.

A Mrs. Sullivan.

And I understand that you're, um... Iooking to sell privately.

Makes absolute sense, and I know just the man.

A reclusive millionaire by the name of Tapie.

Arnold Tapie.

Pay anything for a goose, would Tapie.

Lives near Hatfield.

I believe he's expecting you.

Thank you, Charlie.

You know, it weren't my fault, 'cause -- No, it's all right, Beth.

You did well.

Can you get me a sack?

Oh.

Lovejoy... if this fellow Tapie wins our obsessive contest, that means Charlie gets the commission.

He also gets the money Sullivan owes him from the sale.

Can't have that, can we?

And on a legal point, who actually owns the geese?

Is it the widow, Maureen... the deceased and now revived Sullivan... or the creditor, Gimbert?

Well, they say possession is 9/10 of the law, don't they, Tink?

And who has possession?

-Where'd you get that?

-[ Dialing ] Borrowed it... from a friend.

[ Telephone rings ] -CHARLOTTE: Hello?

-Hello.

Good morning.

How are you this beautiful day?

TINKER: Ooh!

Yeah?

Never better.

LOVEJOY: What about tonight?

Maybe this would be a good time... [ Static ] [ Speaks indistinctly ] [ Dial tone ] 'Round at 8:00.

Yeah.

Mr. D'Hondt, it's Terence.

Yeah.

Yes, I tried to contact you last week, but your assistant... You do?

Good, good.

This evening, 6:00.

Waaloonstraat... 73... [ Man speaking indistinctly on P.A. ]

Waaloonstraat 73, yeah.

[ Geese honking ] [ Horn honking ] BETH: Wow!

What a weird place!

TAPIE: Why geese?

Not because "Mother Goose" was my first pantomime... nor because I believe I was a goose in a former life.

But think on this, my friends.

A maligned creature... which yet plays such an important part in our language, our culture.

Goose pimples, goose fair, goose bumps... cooking your goose... Goosing your cook.

TAPIE: ...and so on and so forth.

You, uh... have something for me, Mr. Lovejoy.

Oh!

Sss... Oh!

One of a pair.

From the Meyer Collection.

Stockholm.

As you say -- from the Meyer Collection in Stockholm.

There's no such thing, Mr. Lovejoy.

I just invented it.

No, you didn't.

No.

I didn't.

[ Chuckles ] Just testing.

How did you come by it?

A dead colleague.

Doing our best for his widow.

[ Stammering ] You have its partner, of course?

Safe and sound, Mr. Tapie.

Yes.

Uh... [ Clears throat ] What price are you seeking?

How much are you offering?

TAPIE: £3,000.

[ Whispering ] The older the goose, the harder to pluck.

From the Meyer Collection in Stockholm?

I have to tell you -- Someone on the Continent's offered us £6,000.

TAPIE: [ Hisses ] D'Hondt!

I shall pay £5,000.

Take it or leave it.

Thank you.

We'll leave it.

TAPIE: I love the creatures!

It... Must have them about me.

When the Gauls invaded Rome... a single file of soldiers clambered up the hill to the Capitol so silently... ...that the first man reached the top without being challenged.

But...

But... ...a gaggle of sacred geese did hear them and cackled so loudly they woke the entire garrison.

Marcus Manlius dashed to the wall and hurled a man into the precipice.

To commemorate this saving of the Empire... ...the Romans carried a golden goose in triumphal procession every year.

I have written a book, "Geese and Their Place in History."

Do you -- You don't know any publishers, do you?

Um, no, I don't.

I...

I, um... hope you can make it.

[ Geese honking ] [ Breathes deeply ] [ Chuckles ] What would you do with your new best friend?

Hello?!

Hello?

Stood up?

Already?

Mm... She's in with Charlie.

Lovejoy!

Come and join us.

Um... don't we have a date?

Date?

What date?

Now.

-CHARLOTTE: Now?

-LOVEJOY: Mm.

What date?

Charlie and I were just talking about the gala.

Just cooling off, Lovejoy.

Ah.

[ Chuckles ] [ Clears throat ] I phoned you, hmm?

Oh, yes.

You did.

What happened?

You went dead on me.

Did you go into a tunnel or something?

Well, can we go?

Now?

Charlie's cooking me a Spanish omelet.

Yes.

Why don't you join us?

LOVEJOY: [ Laughs ] Yeah.

Thanks, Charlie.

How about tomorrow, then?

CHARLOTTE: Mm.

Busy tomorrow.

Then it's the weekend -- dog show, gala.

Ah, the simple pleasures of life!

CHARLOTTE: [ Chuckles ] LOVEJOY: Hm.

Oh, don't get heavy on me, Lovejoy.

Oh, me?

Heavy?

CHARLOTTE: Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, one of the things that attracted me to you was your sense of fun.

Oh, fun.

CHARLOTTE: Yes.

Can't we just have fun?

Just fun, hmm?

Hmm?

CHARLOTTE: Yeah.

-Nothing more?

-No.

Nothing more?

-Just -- Just fun?

-Fun.

Waah!

[ Dog barking ] [ Barks, growls ] [ Laughing ] Hello.

Charlie... if you could transform all this canine flesh into carvings, bronzes, and paintings by the old masters, you'd have a fortune at your fingertips.

-Fortune?

-Mm.

Recycling resources.

And, Charlie, don't leave this lying around.

Somebody might use it.

I'm sorry your geese aren't a part of this.

What do you want with my geese?

They'd help the evening... and your widow.

You might miss the golden egg.

-Lovejoy.

-Just a second, Tink.

Listen, the problem is Charlie.

The widow Maureen's late husband owed Charlie, right?

And if we sell the geese here tonight, Charlie cops the lot.

So?

Threaten him with Mrs. Normington.

LOVEJOY: That's a bit below the belt.

CHARLOTTE: I don't know about that.

Tink...

I think she's just joined the club.

Lovejoy, I think somebody else has just joined the club.

What's he doing here?

I found out her name is Liedje.

-Liedje?

-Liedje.

Aha.

The walking dead!

No jokes, Lovejoy.

I bring good news for both of us.

Good.

Well, spit it out, Terence.

I've got to judge the poodles in five minutes.

-Hello, Liedje.

-Hello, Lovejoy.

TERENCE: D'Hondt is mine.

I've a letter here to prove it.

He'll want to see them, naturally, before he commits.

Mm.

What's the price?

9 grand.

How about that?

I know a man who'll pay 10.

Oh, don't be clever, Lovejoy.

As proof of my good intent, I'm handing over my commission to you.

£900.

How's that for generosity?

You might be interested to know where I got the geese.

It was actually a house clearance in Bungay.

More your patch than mine, but, still, God does sometimes provide.

Count it, Lovejoy.

Where'd you get this, Terence -- Liedje's piggy bank?

Sorry.

Can't do it.

They're being sold tonight -- Wildlife Gala.

No, listen.

Lovejoy!

With what I make on this, I can take full responsibility for my life, clear the debts, and leave Maureen with something to spare.

Now, by all that's holy, I promise this now.

Take it.

Sorry, Terence.

If you want them, you're gonna have to come and get them.

And it's evening rugs, by the way.

TINKER: But this gala could be a disaster.

Well, you win some, you lose some, Tink.

Oh, but, mind you, Tapie might turn up 'cause Beth gave him a leaflet.

Yeah.

Smart girl, our Beth.

Tapie and Sullivan head-to-head.

We're still afloat, Tink.

[ Indistinct conversations ] MAN: Shh, shh.

CHARLOTTE: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Felsham Hall, and this very special evening.

In spite of what you see in my hand, this is not an auction.

[ Indistinct conversations ] You pay only what you see marked up.

And if the prices seem a little steep here and there... [ Laughter ] ...it's because the Cavendish House is sharing this evening with a very worthy cause -- Wildlife Action.

[ Applause ] A percentage of every sale goes towards the fund.

Our target is £25,000, and here, beside us, we have one of those [Chuckles] awful barometer things... -[ Laughter ] -...to help us keep abreast of our progress.

And now I'd like to thank in advance Mr. Charles Gimbert.

-Oh, yes.

-MAN: Hear, hear!

-Hear, hear!

Charlie.

-[ Applause ] Francis, come on.

Give me the nod the minute anybody shows any interest, okay?

All right.

Lovejoy.

What if somebody does?

There are no price tags.

That's strictly contravening the rules.

All for the widow, Tink.

Now, where's Sullivan, and where's Tapie?

No sign of them.

CHARLOTTE: You've done this?

For me?

Anything for you.

Oh, Lovejoy.

-I'm touched.

-TINKER: Lovejoy!

Hmm?

Excuse me.

What the hell are they doing here?

TINKER: Don't know.

Must have been another of Beth's leaflets.

[ Sighs ] Excuse me.

Ah.

Hello, you two.

I want a word with you.

Come on.

You too, Malcolm.

CHARLOTTE: Lovejoy.

Aren't you going to introduce us?

This is Maureen Sullivan.

This is Charlotte Cavendish.

Oh.

I am so sorry to hear about your husband.

-Thank you.

-MALCOLM: [ Clears throat ] -Malcolm, my dentist.

-Dentist.

Would you excuse us, Charlotte?

CHARLOTTE: [ Chuckles ] MALCOLM: Is he here?

'Cause I want a word with him.

LOVEJOY: Just go into the garden and enjoy your champagne.

I'll see you later.

Go on.

Go on.

Lovejoy... is something going on that I don't know about?

No.

It's just -- It's just the heat, isn't it?

Going awfully well, though, isn't it?

Talk about it later.

Your place.

Am I glad to see you here, Mr. Tapie.

-They have no price on them.

-Hmm?

You know, you... Francis!

Absolutely right.

There is no price on them.

£10,000, and that's it.

Have them packed up and sent to my car.

£10,000?

I've got a man who'll offer me £12,000, Mr. Tapie.

Mr. Tapie?

So pleased you could join us.

Ah, the geese.

Oh!

Some haggling from this man.

Haggling?

That's not what this evening's all about.

So the charming young lady said.

Gentlemen, this is Wildlife Action.

The young lady said dig deep.

I'll make... ...a little contribution.

What do you want?

CHARLIE: Can't say fairer than that, Lovejoy.

Would you excuse us, hmm, Mr. Tapie?

Charlie.

Excuse us.

Charlie, we could be onto something here.

This man is seriously deranged.

We can lead him by the nose.

I've also got another customer here, if I can only find him.

It's against the spirit, Lovejoy.

Against the spirit?

This room is full of hustlers working, including the king of the breed.

You?

I was paying that compliment to you, Charlie.

Oh.

Apparently, there is some confusion about this, which Mr. Lovejoy has to sort out for himself.

Meanwhile, feel free to enjoy yourself.

I believe there are some geese in that painting just over there.

Try not to mess up, Lovejoy.

I've got to pay for all this.

Terence, where the hell have you been?

Changing.

What are you up to?

It's time for you and D'Hondt to show your true colors.

Ah, Tapie.

This is Arnold Tapie from Hatfield.

This is Mr. Terence Sullivan, representing Monsieur D'Hondt.

What's going on?

This is illegal.

I don't want to get involved in some cheap auction.

It won't be cheap, I can assure you of that.

Tink.

Excuse us a moment, gentlemen.

Now, keep Maureen, her brother, Charlotte, and Gimbert -out of here.

-And what's in it for us?

You still owe me a fiver.

Do it.

Gentlemen... on behalf of Wildlife Action... ...who will give me the first bid?

-Oh!

I say!

-[ Applause ] Oh, isn't that marvelous?

Drink, Tink?

Now, you are going to tell me exactly what is going on.

£25,000.

It's £25,000 against you again, sir.

Do I hear £30,000?

£30,000?

£30,000.

£30,000 against you.

£35,000.

Do I hear £35,000, hmm?

Thank you very much.

£35,000 is the bid.

£35,000 against you.

£40,000.

Do I hear £40,000?

Come on.

Do I hear £40,000?

£40,000?

£40,000.

Thank you very much, indeed.

£40,000.

£40,000 against you, Mr. Tapie.

Come on.

£45,000.

Do I hear £45,000?

£45,000, yes.

Thank you very much.

£45,000.

The bid is £45,000, Mr. Sullivan.

£40-- Is that 9?

£49,000?

£49,000.

£49,000 against you, Mr. Tapie.

£50,000?

Thank you very much.

£50,000.

£50,000.

Mr. Sullivan?

No?

Going once.

Going twice.

Sold to Mr. Arnold Tapie for £50,000.

For a pair of broken-down old geese.

Still, that's what makes horse racing.

Yeah, could you make the check out for £45,000 to Mrs. Maureen Sullivan and £5,000 to me, Lovejoy, in cash?

-Thank you very much.

-TERENCE: I'm not dead, Lovejoy.

I'm here in the living flesh.

These are my geese, and I demand possession of them.

What's the fine for wasting police time?

What?

You fell off a boat.

You drowned, Terence.

You are dead, and your wife's in the garden.

Oh, my God.

Enjoy the rest of your life.

TERENCE: Can't.

Can't hack it anymore.

I haven't the juice for it.

Only the wigs get younger.

Mm-hmm.

You owe me, sunshine.

Oh, get stuffed, Charlie.

Three.

Only one more.

Thank you.

Thank you, Lovejoy.

Mine, I think.

"Where's my £3,000?"

"Come on, you little toerag.

Pay up, or I'll have to get stern with you."

Not my writing, Lovejoy.

It's on your notepaper.

-It's only a copy, Charlie.

-Forgery.

But it'll smell very nasty in the hands of the doggy set, especially Mrs. Normington.

Prove it.

Charlie.

Please.

All right, Lovejoy.

Who wants to spoil such a lovely evening?

-[ Chuckles ] -Thank you so much, Lovejoy.

-[ Bell dings ] -We've done it!

[ Applause ] We've done it!