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This is Fronteras: A Changing America, Im KC Counts.

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KRWG Public Media suffered a sudden loss when TV production manager Christian Valle passed away August 3rd at the age of 46.

A loss like this can happen in any workplace and does.

And Dr.

Melanie Longhurst, Texas Tech Health El Paso Department of Psychology assistant professor, joins the program to help us understand and manage grief in the workplace.

And later, we'll meet another one of our mayor's top teens, Mayfield graduate Josiah Estrada.

Doctor Longhurst, thank you so much for being with us.

Thank you for having me.

I think when this happens, especially when someone is so young and it's so unexpected, there's certainly shock that just reverberates through the workplace.

And I'd like to begin with, just in those initial moments when this kind of news starts being absorbed, what people are going through and how people are going through it differently.

Yeah, I, I think it's really difficult because there's no specific roadmap when it comes to grief or bereavement.

The, the loss, no matter the age or the suddenness, can really take somebody, you know, and really affect their emotions in ways that we can't plan for even when there is anticipatory grief.

We still can't really plan for how we might respond to react when the time comes, when somebody is experiencing a chronic illness or we kind of know what's in store in the near future, and when somebody experiences a loss that is really sudden and kind of out of the blue, unexpected, It can also kind of rush us with, fill us with a range of emotions, and it may not happen immediately.

And so I think that's another thing to keep in mind.

Oftentimes people are familiar with stages of grief, but that's not necessarily how things always work out.

And people experience different emotions at different times, different timelines.

And that can be really difficult.

I think there are, you know, we talk about different ways of processing grief, different ways of grieving, and I wonder if you can kind of help us to understand if there are some archetypes.

I know I'm probably the crier, right.

And so help us to understand how people differently experience grief.

Yeah, I, I have a very intimate relationship with grief, Not just in a professional way, but also personally.

And I think that's really, really difficult as a human being to experience these losses then, are that are inevitable.

And so grief can really take shape in different forms.

And so when we are I think how we exhibit it can be really different from person to person.

So some people are very private and quieter, maybe more stoic, and choose not to really demonstrate their emotions or show their emotions.

maybe certain people in certain roles or just the way they operate, on a daily basis is one of more, restraint in terms of how they express themselves.

And so that also does not mean that they may not be hurting.

They just may not be as demonstrative.

And there are others, I also I'm, a very emotional person.

And so I tend to, to cry.

Even when I'm listening to other people's, stories or feelings or, experiences of grief, that it really triggers a lot of, emotion in me and so I tend to cry,and so, you know, I think that it's, it's really different.

And so we can't predict that, but it's important to recognize it just because somebody is not necessarily stating it, out loud, in, the workplace or certain spaces that they may not be experiencing it too, others may try to also make themselves seem happier or like they're coping better because they don't want to talk about it in those spaces.

So perhaps they're seeking support in other places, and that may be kind of the area that they want to maintain, where they demonstrate their emotions.

Different roles can also lead us to, respond differently.

Right?

So if I'm in a leadership role, I might feel more inclined to kind of, be the kind of, fearless leader and really respond in ways to not, you know, to show that I have it all together and that I'm here to support other people.

And so that can look really different.

I think that's the challenge, too, with, system.

So family systems, work systems, any time we're dealing with various people who are coping in different kinds of ways.

And the unexpected loss, I think doesn't really allow us sometimes to kind of, you know, just batten down the hatches and kind of get away, get in touch with how we want to respond.

It may just kind of come more naturally.

But I really want to reinforce that just because somebody isn't showing as much emotion or, that maybe they're smiling and kind of trying to focus more on the happier memories or the good times with this person, does not necessarily mean that they're also not experiencing sadness and grief and loss and shock, like other people might be.

I know there's no timeline for grief, and losses are with you forever.

But I wanted to talk a little bit about timelines in terms of maybe what's appropriate for coworkers that share a work space.

How much space to give someone, how much time, you know, and appropriate ways of letting people know that you're there to support them, or maybe just in terms of carving a path forward.

Yeah, that's also challenging, right?

Because of all of the different types of experiences that we may have.

I think that it's it's important to acknowledge that acutely.

So more kind of in a shorter time span.

Some people might be experiencing a lot of kind of the shock and just, disbelief and overwhelm with the emotions.

And then as time goes on, I think there's kind of this recognition like, oh, okay, things are still kind of moving along, right?

Things don't stop.

And, and, yet the emotions may continue, or they might arise at different moments with different, memories, different, you know, exposure to different things that we might experience, anniversaries, significant dates, events, etc.

That might remind us coming across, an email, for instance, of the person that we have lost That might just kind of trigger all of these emotions to return.

I think that it's really important to acknowledge when people are you're noticing that something's just not right.

Maybe there's, you know, they're later than usual.

They're kind of not getting their tasks done on time.

There's things that are kind of slipping through the cracks, falling through the cracks, and you're noticing that something just seems off of this person.

They don't seem like they're their typical selves.

I think it's really important to check in with each other and just say, you know, I'm just checking in with you to see, how today's going or how, you know, things are going right now.

I, I understand how, a lot of people may feel really uncomfortable, bringing up the topic of loss and grief or checking in with other people because they're concerned that maybe they don't, they don't want to overstep, they don't want to be intrusive, they don't want to say the wrong thing.

And I think what ends up happening as a result of that, when we try to say all the right things, sometimes we may withhold some of that support that somebody may need from us.

And so we may may mistake or make mistakes as we try to kind of broach the topic and to talk to others about how they're doing.

I think that when we kind of isolate others because we're so concerned that we might make a mistake or say the wrong thing, I think that that that could be worse.

You know, it's not perfect.

Our approaches aren't perfect.

Not everyone's going to take everything, in the way that we intend.

So I really encourage folks to just, approach with compassion and genuineness and, genuineness and honesty and really kind of this genuine care and concern can really go a long way versus and when we're trying to kind of craft the perfect message and then we never reach out, to the person.

So I would say look for signs that the person is just, still not coping after some time or that particularly certain events or memories or time periods, anniversaries, etc.

In anticipation of those also checking in with folks to see, and just being honest sometimes about how we're feeling, I think sometimes just saying like, oh, I'm, you know, I'm really sad.

I'm, I'm still, I'm still in shock or, I, Istill can't believe this happened.

And I just really wanted to check in with you to see how, how you've been doing or how today's going for you.

Because temporarily, like we said, somebody may not have healed in the same kind of way.

And I think it's not it's not reasonable to expect that everyone's going to kind of follow this.

Like I said, this roadmap, also that it's going to end, there's really no end point, as you mentioned, to grief or loss.

I think it changes.

It gets different.

It comes in waves.

It comes and it has its lows and different experiences and reminders are going to kind of trigger different emotions in different people.

Well, let's talk a little bit about how one can kind of look inward and validate their own experience.

And you know, in some cases people will even feel feelings of guilt.

What can you say about that?

Yeah, some, you know, I think as humans, we typically compare ourselves to each other quite a bit, Especially when we're in close proximity to others and systems.

And so I've seen when this, sort of thing can happen, it might feel like, gosh, why am I, as you mentioned KC, you know, you maybe are more emotional, kind of outwardly right, exhibit your emotions.

And so someone might feel like, why am I being so emotional?

Or why am I crying so much when, this other person was closer to them and they seem to be handling it okay?

At some point people start to kind of compare their grief and bereavement.

And that's not really helpful because again, it's idiosyncratic, we're so different and we can't control the way we're going to respond to different experiences.

So I think recognizing that and so not feeling like you should feel guilty for not feeling more emotion or not expressing that more or for, emoting too much.

And maybe at a level that, that you think isn't appropriate for the relationship that you had, or the experience that you're having.

I, I don't think that's helpful for anybody to do that.

When there's any sort of loss, there might be a lot of guilt too associated with maybe what was said or unsaid.

And, and this can happen when there's kind of a suddennes of a loss or even something that we know is eventually going to come sooner than later, but we've just been avoiding because it's really difficult and really hard and painful to maybe broach certain topics.

And so I think having that compassion that we extend towards other people is also really important to extend to ourselves.

So having self-compassion when we are in the throes of loss and grief is, is really important.

And, trying to check in with ourselves to see how we're doing, if we're having difficulties, like I said, keeping up at work, maybe not doing tasks where showing up late on time, we're trying to avoid certain feelings or conversations or memories, and we're feeling really bad about ourselves and and maybe what we did or didn't do in that relationship with the person that we have, since lost, it's, it's important to recognize that we there's help out there and to seek out support for ourselves when we need it.

Right, and so I'd like to talk a little bit about resources in terms of what should be available, KRWG Public Media is at NMSU, and of course, organizations of that size tend to have employee assistance programs.

You can call and and get a few counseling sessions free.

Smaller organizations wouldn't necessarily have that.

What kinds of resources are available, to folks, that, that the company, or leadership should be making available?

Yeah, I think sometimes there might be partnerships with community organizations or at the very least, maybe putting together a list of resources that are available, to people.

It might be also helpful to kind of look at insurance, what's covered by insurance.

So if an organization everyone's on the same insurance, maybe I know of identifying certain plans or, low cost services out in the community, depending on where you are, that could be really helpful.

So that way the individual who is experiencing this distress or loss doesn't have to then like go through and make all of these calls.

Perhaps if there could be some kind of liaison or somebody that could support, this staff or their, their colleagues or the coworkers with, putting together this list of resources or maybe making certain calls to see if somebody would be available if they're taking new patients, for instance, but there's grief therapy.

Especially now, there tend to be virtual options that are available as well as in person.

And so sometimes we don't have a lot of time to take away from our, our work or our personal lives.

And so that could be a big barrier to, to seeking the support and help that we need.

And so looking into any virtual resources, whether that's, you know, free, grief therapy group support groups, or individual.

And so I think we can all just recognize times in our lives when we could have used additional support, maybe outside of the workplace or the people that we know.

because when a group again or a system is all grieving a very, similar loss or the loss of one particular individual, it may feel really hard.

and to be able to support somebody else when we are also simultaneously grieving.

And so I think that's something else that I've noticed when, you know, family systems or employee, you know, an organization are all experiencing the loss.

People don't want to seem to like burden or us for help to other people because they think like, oh my gosh, that person's also suffering right now.

How am I going to go do that?

So if you're feeling that discomfort and you're really not going to ask for support or help around you, I would really urge you to consider seeking help outside as well.

That way you don't feel alone and you don't feel like you have to handle this on your own.

So you mentioned supporting each other.

We've talked a lot about what goes on in the workplace, but I think, someone is so often their work with so meaningful to them and that their families don't often get a look inside what their everyday life was like.

And I'd like for you to talk a little bit about how a workplace can help support a family grieving moving forward.

Yeah, I think with, you know, permission from family members, to, to ensure that, you know, it's okay with them to move forward with certain, maybe, like a tribute or a memorial.

Some, sometimes people will plant a tree, for example.

So something that has a little plaque and a tree somewhere nearby, you know, looking at a window or near their office or some reminder there might be a photo or a plaque of some sort to kind of, commemorate or and just kind of have a tribute to this individual and all the work that they did.

Family members can maybe be invited if there's some kind of event and kind of like mailing this or send a picture photo of what was put up and maybe with, like thoughts of gratitude or remarks of gratitude and love and care and support.

I know sometimes, people will also take time to kind of slow down in the organization.

You know, if, clinic, for example, I've seen this as, as one example where the clinic was, closed for an afternoon or a morning, in an effort to allow all of the staff and employees and colleagues of this, and friends of this individual maybe that they passed away to attend their services.

I think that's a really heartfelt, message, because it allows the entire community to be part of it.

Sometimes we don't have that ability and kind of people have to stay back.

And, but I think it could be very meaningful when family sees all of the show of support and what this person meant to somebody, because I think oftentimes as individuals, we might feel that, you know, maybe we're not seen as a, as a human, but rather just, you know, somebody who's contributing to the, the work, and the work that needs to be done or we spend so much time at work that, you know, people kind of become like a second family.

We oftentimes get to know our colleagues in ways that we would, are even closer, than some of our family members, quite frankly, because of how much time we spend with each other.

So family members might feel like, well, I didn't get to spend as much time with them in these kind of recent years.

What were they doing with their time?

How were they cared for?

How were they like, loved, and attended to?

What did they contribute?

What are their, you know, accomplishments?

And that might be really lovely to be able to see or hear.

I think some, some other things I've seen before are maybe like a collection of photos or some kind of, like, not work portfolio in a professional sense, but something that is like bound and given to the family member or like a collage or a compilation of videos, different things that could be done to, really demonstrate what this person contributed and what they meant.

We have definitely seen that family come together here at KRWG Public Media.

Doctor Melanie Longhurst, psychologist and assistant professor at Texas Tech Health El Paso, see, I told you, thank you so much for helping us and our viewers navigate through difficult times.

We appreciate it.

Thank you KC.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much.

And some of our future leaders were recently honored as the Mayor's Top Teens.

KRWG Membership Coordinator Liz Liano talked with each of them, including Mayfield graduate Josiah Estrada.

Welcome to Mayors Top teens, I'm Liz Liano, and today we'll be talking to Josiah Estrada.

Welcome Josiah and congratulations on being one of the Mayor's Top Teens.

Thank you very much.

It's so good to have you here.

So let's hear a little bit about some of your activities and things that you've been doing at school.

Okay, well I'm an active member of FFA.

I'm a active member of student government.

I'm my senior class president.

I'm also part of the pickleball club and mock trial club.

Wonderful.

So what do you do in mock trial?

Basically me and my fellow students, we pick roles in a case and we act out as if that case was our real life.

Wow, that sounds like fun.

Alot of fun.

Are you wanting to be in the law field?

No, it was just something that I thought would be fun and a nice experience to do with some of my friends.

And you've learned a lot, I'm sure.

Yes a lot.

Wonderful.

And you said you're also involved with?

FFA FFA and student government, yes.

Oh.

Very cool.

Oh, very cool.

So what do you do in FFA?

FFA, I do CDEs like floriculture, which is basically identifying plants and diseases and just general knowledge about, the floral business.

Very cool.

What a diverse set of interests already.

And what do you do in student government?

Student government, we plan all of our school events and pretty much anything that happens at Mayfield High School, we kind of either plan or help out or just overall, make the bigger decisions like dance themes and school spirit days and things like that.

Very nice.

And are you involved with any community service or activities outside of school?

Yes I do attend a youth group at University Community, University Community Church.

Very nice.

And what do you do in the group?

Well, I do Bible study with them.

So every so often we actually have a trip coming up this weekend or not this weekend.

Next weekend.

Sorry.

From the 19th to the 22nd.

And what does that entail or what?

It's kind of like overall trivia, I guess you could say just about bible chapters and things like that, so, one we did not super recently but in the past was like overall just chapters of John and stuff like that.

And they just ask us it could be a set of 50 questions, anything about those chapters and we just answer them.

Cool.

So, a good brain exercise, along with a lot of other things.

Fellowship with your, very cool.

So what is it that you want to be studying?

I plan to attend NMSU, and get a degree in education.

Secondary education?

Oh, a secondary education.

And what, what kind of secondary education?

I want to teach history for high school.

Oh, very nice.

And why do you want to do that?

History is just always been my favorite class in general.

I love, fun history facts and things like that.

And I've just enjoyed, kind of, I say, like mentoring other people and teaching other people.

Like in the past I've been, JC for, elementary school, like leadership conference and things like that.

But I just am more, I guess you say like, lean more towards, like, older, groups of people.

Very nice.

You said you like history facts.

Yes.

Can you share one with us?

Like anything?

What's one of your favorite history fun facts?

Oh, gosh, I forget his name.

The president, one of them, presidents, it was, Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

Thats ok.

I want to say his last name was Tubman or something like that, but he was like, like the bigger president, and he actually got stuck in, the white House, like, bathtub, and they, like, couldn't get him out because he was just so big.

You, like, filled it out all the way.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

So not super like history, history but it is a fun, like fact with a historical figure so.

Pretty entertaining.

Good stuff.

So, you want to study history and be a history teacher?

What is your favorite historical period of time?

Probably the, like the US revolution.

I think that's it's I guess it's like close to us.

So it's more, eye opening on, like, how people believed in, like, their beliefs and their personal aspirations and things like that.

So I feel like it affects, I guess, me and my world a little more.

Very interesting and more pertinent than ever.

Yeah.

One might say.

Good deal.

Well, thank you for coming to speak with us today, Josiah.

And once again congratulations on being a Mayor's Top Teen.

I appreciate that.

Thanks to Liz and Josiah and all the Mayor's Top Teens.

And thank you for watching.

And for supporting local programing like this.

You can watch episodes of all our local programs at our org, where you can also sign up to receive airwaves, our monthly TV programing guide, via email up to two weeks before the start of the month.

Name and what you'r doing today?

Christian Valle, TV Production Manager, helping set up Music Spotlight.

Again, you guys put all that effort in, and it really shows.

You all have really brigh futures.

I'm expecting to hear back from you guys, and I really, really wish the bes for all of you.