- [Announcer] "Nightmare Theatre is made possible in part by The Fish House, a Great Southern Restaurant.

Supporting arts, entertainment, and local culture since 1998.

- [Presenter] Pensacon.

The Gulf Coast's premier pop culture event is proud to sponsor Nightmare Theatre.

Pensacon brings celebrities, artists, authors and more together each February in Pensacola, Florida.

For more information, visit pensacon.com.

(lighthearted music) (thunder rumbles) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪For he was a minor demon ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ On Nightmare Theatre - No, no, no, Mittens.

There was no vandalism at all, no crimes were committed.

The man was just paranoid and delusional.

He needed help.

He needed long-term psychiatric care.

And there's nothing wrong with needing help.

I mean, we go to the doctor for a broken foot.

We should also go to the doctor for a broken psyche.

No stigma, no shame.

His name was Mr. Whipple.

See?

No, it's not funny.

See, Mr. Whipple worked in a grocery store and he was constantly worried about customers squeezing a particular band of bathroom tissue.

It became his all consuming passion, it haunted him.

It kept him up all night.

Every time someone got too close to the paper goods shelf, he would leap out of the shadows like a ninja assassin warning people not to squeeze the Charmin.

I mean, he was deadly serious about it.

And eventually he went mad and spent the rest of his days in a padded room wearing a straitjacket, mumbling and repeating over and over to himself a stark and desperate plea to please not squeeze the Charmin.

It was truly sad, truly sad.

Oh, oh, wait, we're on.

Hello again, and welcome to Nightmare Theatre.

I am your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren, and here with me is Mittens the Werewolf, and we were just discussing sad endings as we wait for the saddest thing of all time, El Sapo de Tempesto to show up with tonight's movie.

I'm not sure where he could be, he really ought to be here any minute now and... Oh, look.

- Hey, fellas.

How you doin' tonight?

Everybody doin' great?

That's good, say, really, really good.

It's really great that you come out to support live comedy.

Hey, any of y'all out there from Iowa?

Anyone?

Anyone from Iowa in the house?

That's a really great town, Iowa.

- Let me guess... You were hanging out at the senior center on open mic night again.

- Oh, let me tell you what happened to me the other day, folks.

See, see, I needed a tick collar, right?

So I went down to the store.

Have you been down to the Parasite Shop lately?

Have you seen what they got going on down there?

Have you seen who they got working in the lice section in those places?

- Okay, Jan Murray.

That's enough.

- And what is the deal with tomatoes?

Is it a fruit?

Is it a vegetable?

Nobody knows.

What is it?

It's a mystery.

- Stop!

You're not doing comedy, you're not a standup comic.

Though I'd definitely say you're a vegetable.

- But seriously, folks.

- Sapo.

- Say, has anybody been down to the DMV lately?

Boy, that's a great place, that DMV, right?

- Sapo!

- Yes, boss?

- Let me see that mic for a second.

- Oh, oh, okay.

This is still my set, but if you want to do a comedy theme, I'm game.

You would make a good straight man.

We could be the next Jack Benny and Dennis Day.

Okay, Mittens, Mittens.

Give us a scenario.

The Baron is gonna start us off, we're gonna do our old vaudeville act.

- Mittens, please destroy this.

Toss it in the fires off Mount Doom if you must, but don't let him near a mic again.

If he gets a new one, you have my permission to bite him.

- Oh, I guess that's my time, folks.

Tip your bartenders and waitresses and please enjoy the salmon puffs.

- Just stop it.

This ain't “An Evening at the Improv ” and you are not Gary Shandling.

Heck, you're not even Gary Mule Deer.

You aren't a standup comic!

You're here to provide movies, to me.

Do you have one?

- No, I don't.

But I know where to find one.

Can you show this while I run get one?

Now, I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm not sure what's on that, but I found it in a dumpster outside the senior center next to all the old cans of Metamucil and Pluto Water.

Hey, that reminds me of a funny story.

I was on my way to the barber shop- - Get out of here!

And off like a sloth he goes.

Let me see what he found this time.

Looks like it's Chapter 2 of Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe.

This one is called the "Freezing Torture".

Boy, that sounds exciting, doesn't it?

Get this.

This one involves Flash and his pals climbing frozen mountains for some reason.

Some deluded people have compared the action packed mountain climbing scenes in this snooze fest to the thrilling mountain scenes in the Clint Eastwood movie, The Eiger Sanction.

I suppose you could compare the two in the same sense that you can compare Clint Eastwood to El Sapo, or anything to El Sapo, for that matter.

You could, but why would you?

Like Sapo, this serial is just not good.

But since we have to watch, here's something to watch out for.

Flash has three people with him.

So that's four people, right?

Well, actually, in some of the scenes there are five people trumping around endlessly and aimlessly through the ice and snow.

When asked who the fifth person was, Flash Gordon scholars have said, "We don't know and we don't care."

And to be honest, neither do I.

But since we have nothing better to do, let's put on our winter coats and strap on our snow tires and watch Chapter 2: Freezing Torture, here on Nightmare Theatre.

I'm just gonna eat.

I'm gonna have a snack.

(Baron chews) (dramatic music) (thunder rumbles) - [Presenter] Chapter Two.

Following the wake of dictators, war, and rumors of war, a ravaging plague, the Purple Death, strikes the Earth.

Flash Gordon and Professor Zarkov, believing Ming the Merciless is behind the Purple Death, start with Dale Arden in Zarkov's rocket ship for Mongo.

Arriving in Arboria to enlist aid of Prince Barin, they meet Fria, Queen of the Ice Kingdom, also seeking Barin's aid against Ming.

Joining forces, they break into Ming's Laboratory in time to halt a fiendish laboratory test.

But Flash, pitted against a giant of tremendous strength... (dramatic music) (man screams) - Kill them!

Kill them!

(dramatic music) - Flash!

(Flash screams) (explosion booms) (dramatic music) (lever creaks) - Torch!

Torch!

The guards!

- They've escaped, sir.

- I can see that, dolt!

Get to the broadcast room, send out word that Dr. Zarkov and Flash Gordon are at liberty in Mongo.

- Why were they disguised as Frigians?

- No doubt Dr. Zarkov and Flash Gordon made a pact with Queen Fria.

They need to rescue General Lupi in return for the right to mine polarite in Frigia.

- Polarite?

What's that?

- Polarite is the only antidote to the death dust.

And could be found in only the far, barren northern waste of Frigia.

Flash Gordon and Zarkov must not escape!

(dramatic music) - Flash!

- We've got to move fast, men.

Is everyone here?

- All but Ronald.

He must've been taken, and we can't wait for him.

- If Ronald's a prisoner, I'm going back.

- I saw him fall.

- Ronald!

- Flash, Flash.

I have news that will beat Emperor Ming.

- The better news is that you're here.

Save the rest of it, we've got to get out of here!

(dramatic music) (ship sputters) - Ming thinks you came to Mongo in search of an antidote for the Purple Death.

A substance called polarite found only in Frigia.

- This is indeed news, Ronald.

And it may mean the salvation of the universe.

- You know of polarite, Doctor?

- Yes.

I discussed it with your father.

But neither of us knew where it could be found.

(lighthearted music) - Barin!

Barin!

- Your Majesty.

I've just received a radio message from Dr. Zarkov.

General Lupi has been rescued and will be here any moment.

I told Your Majesty she could depend on Flash Gordon.

- A splendid soldier.

I should find means of rewarding him.

Perhaps I can persuade him to return to Frigia with me.

With Flash Gordon at the head of my men, I might defy even the powerful Ming.

- But Your Majesty, Flash has an important commission for his own people.

- Has he?

(lighthearted music) - He's safe, Aura.

He's come back safe.

- Welcome, General Lupi.

- I owe my life to Your Majesty.

- On the contrary.

All of you owe your lives to this brave man.

Thank you, Flash Gordon.

If my country has anything to offer, you have but your command.

- Your Majesty is very gracious.

But I would've been helpless without the aid of my friends.

- Well done all of you.

Although I never landed there, Doctor, I know the region well from the air.

- We'll be able to locate the polarite without any difficulty.

Because the energy it generates causes the snow to melt the deposits.

Of course, the clothes we wear will be treated with calaroid, which will afford complete protection from the cold.

- Ships are ready, Barin, whenever you are.

- Good.

We'll start at once in Zarkov's rocket ship.

- [Aura] Ming will know of this.

(dramatic music) - Seems like old times being at war again with Ming, Zarkov.

- War is right.

We may expect to encounter Ming's patrol ships at any minute.

- I'll throw the transparency screen around us until we're ready to land.

(dramatic music) (ship sputters) - Gentlemen.

You will march behind me in single file and have your faces sprayed to prevent freezing.

Will you be first, Prince Barin?

(door unwinds) (wind howls) (lighthearted music) Take this orometer.

It'll indicate your direction if you find yourself at fault.

- All right, Doctor.

As soon as we locate the stuff, we'll radio you to send the miners.

- Right.

- I'm ready, Flash!

(tense music) (wind howls) - Look.

There's some of them down there in the snow.

The tall figure leading is Flash Gordon.

- They're making for that barren peak.

- [Ming] Do you know the form on the rock?

- Yes.

But it's a small target at this range.

- Try it.

(dramatic music) (ship sputters) - Why, it's one of Ming's ships!

(explosion booms) - We missed them by a hundred yards.

Drop the next one on that mountain of snow and ice at the edge of the ridge.

(dramatic music) (explosion booms) - Yes, but look...

It started an avalanche.

(rocks falling) (dramatic music) (man screams) (dramatic music) - You know, Mittens, my life wasn't supposed to be this way.

I had potential, I had promise.

Oh, wait, we're back on.

Hello and welcome back.

That was an ending, huh?

An avalanche sealed them in a frozen tomb forever and ever.

I bet the cold bothers them now!

Maybe someone will thaw them out in a billion years or so, but for now, they are forever in the frozen food section.

Or are they?

Speaking of something I'd like to freeze and store away for all eternity, I wonder where El Sapo is?

- Here I am, boss.

- Oh, good.

Let's get this over with, let me ask you the 64 cent question.

Do you have a movie?

- I do indeed, sir.

And a fine one she appears to be.

- Give me that can.

Hands of a Stranger?

Good gravy!

Mittens, take this out and bury it as far away from us as you possibly can.

Get some money out of petty cash, get on a plane, fly to Bolivia, go up in the mountains and bury this thing.

Chop, chop, hop to it.

Get to steppin'!

- No, no, that's the only movie we have.

I looked everywhere, I looked high and low, and that is it!

- Well, you're going to have to look again.

This is the film that caused the great screen fire episodes of 1962.

Every time this film was shown, the screens literally caught fire!

Some say the screen willed itself to burn because the projection of this film was so traumatic.

Khrushchev was planning on touring America again in 1962, but when the KGB heard about this film, they canceled his trip.

Go get another movie!

- There ain't nowhere else to look!

There ain't no more films!

- Well, we aren't showing this one.

If my memory serves me correct, this film in the contiguous United States is a federal D level felony.

Yep.

It says so right here.

I'm not going to prison 'cause you can't find another movie.

- Oh, now, now, don't talk like that!

Let's eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive.

There's got to be something good about this here movie.

- Not one single solitary thing!

From the opening frame to the last shot, it's just awful.

- Oh, come on!

There has to be.

Even the most Roger Cornelius, Roger Corman movie has something good in it, and I will bet this one does too.

- Nope, nope, nope, nada, zilch.

- Oh, come on!

Let's look for the good thing.

Let's look for that glob of tasty fat in the can of pork and beans.

Let's start at the top.

Who directed this movie?

- A guy named Newt.

- Newt?

- Yes.

Newt.

Newt Arnold.

His cinematic criminal record includes three offenses as director.

This one in 1962, Blood Thirst in 1971, and finally, Bloodsport in 1988.

- I don't believe I'm...

I ain't never seen any of them movies, boss.

- I should hope not.

Let me ask you one more thing, and this will determine if you've ever, ever listened to me.

- Let me have it.

- The film was completed in 1960, but not released until 1962.

- Okay, this is my big chance, let me see here.

You say, if I carry the 6 and bring down the 8, that gives me...

There was a two year gap?

- Well, yes.

- Hot dog!

That correspondence course is paying off!

- Okay, congratulations on your proficiency in 1st grade math.

But that's not why I asked you the question.

Why do you think they would wait two years to release a film?

- I know the answer.

They will release no film before its time!

Like that wine guy Orson Bean said, The film had to age to a ripe perfection!

- Well, it needs another 75 million years.

- My schedule is clear if you want to wait.

- I'm not gonna spend eternity standing next to you two.

Mittens... As you know, you're okay in my book.

And I would not mind a decade or two near you.

But this is simply awful.

I beg you folks to turn the channel.

Tune in another time when we have a better movie.

- Oh, come on!

Turn that frown upside down!

- I'm gonna turn you upside down in a minute.

- Oh, now, now, come on, come on.

Tell me about the cast.

You always enjoy doing that.

- There's not much to tell, but well, to be fair- - Ah, ha, ha, ha!

I knew there was something.

- True.

The film features the great Irish McCalla.

- Oh!

I wrestled a guy named Irish McCalla.

He took a shillelagh and broke it over my head at the National Guard Armory in Backlash, Alabama in 1965.

Is it the same guy?

- No, this is a female.

She played Sheena, Queen of the Jungle on TV.

- Say, hey, not too shabby!

- Yeah, I guess so.

It also features Sally Kellerman, who played Hot Lips in the movie MASH.

- See, there are some good things in this film, I knew it.

- I mean, I guess.

Sure, whatever.

Let's go ahead and watch Hands of a Stranger starring Sheena, Queen of the Jungle, and Hot Lips, here on Nightmare Theatre.

(tense drum music) (water drips) (mysterious music) (tense music) (gunshots booming) (tires screeching) (tires screeching) (dramatic music) (sirens blaring) - Keep massaging.

- It's been too long, Gil.

Go ahead, Gil, if you need the practice.

(object clangs) (dramatic music) It can't always work, Gil.

There's got to be death for everyone sometime.

- Why?

(dramatic music) - I've been watching you for over 3 hours.

That's a long time to take when you die.

- It took 9 months on the other end.

- As one dedicated man to another, there are a few questions I want to ask you.

That's right, local office of bullets and bodies.

What can you tell me?

- Only that a few ounces of lead just destroyed 3,000 years of medical research.

- Please, Doctor.

I saw your little outburst of perfectionism in there, and I'm sure you have several million words on the ideals and objectives of medical science, but all I'd like to know is what happened so I can start an accurate report.

- The body will be in the morgue tomorrow.

Why bother me?

- I find it valuable to get as many details as possible before minds will become colored by the calmness and the simplest, born of time.

It's the kind of attitude that's raised me to lieutenant and made my wife and children very proud of me.

- There's nothing I can contribute to your next promotion.

- Oh, come now, Doctor.

As assistant chief of surgery in a hospital of this size, a man of your age, you must have more than average ability and powers of observation.

There were three .38 caliber bullets, weren't there?

- Yes.

- What was the specific cause of death?

- Three bullets.

- Yes, I see I shouldn't have put it that way in your present state of mind.

- Acute hemorrhage complicated by lung and spinal damage.

The bullet shattered ribs, entering from the back, penetrating the lung, and exiting just to the right of the sternum.

All right?

- Anything else?

- No.

Now if you'll excuse me.

- Yes?

- Unusual considering the extent of damage.

But while we were getting ready for surgery, Ken told me they almost had to pry his hands from the lamppost.

While I was operating, I noticed them too.

Powerful hands, yet sensitive at the same time.

And he never relaxed, even while he was alive and unconscious.

- Now that's the type of thing I might never have realized.

It could tell us a great deal about him.

Hands.

Amazing things, when you think about it.

A genius device of flesh and bone that can paint a beautiful picture, control a scalpel, press a trigger.

And perhaps the delicately lined pictures on the tips of those hands themselves may tell me all I want to know.

(dramatic piano music) (audience claps) - You were wonderful.

- Little sister approves?

- [George] Congratulations.

- I wasn't sure.

And during that last encore, 15 years of work, practice, and hope came into the complete focus.

I know that tonight's the beginning.

There's nothing that can't be done now.

- Well, I wouldn't exactly call you an amateur during these last six years.

But any minute now, the thundering herd is coming through that door to lift you on their shoulders.

I still have to get some details straight with you about the New York concert and recordings before I make that 12:30 play.

- Oh, just a few minutes, George, to let my ego feed off the crowd.

Dina, I want you to go head to the party with the others.

I'll join you as soon as George and I are through.

(people laughing) - Mm.

Lucky piano.

Lucky me.

I'm jealous of you both, you know.

I want to be so much to this magnificent man.

- Wouldn't that be a little like playing the same composition over and over?

Beautiful perhaps, but monotonous.

- You're not only brilliant, you're obscene.

I'll forgive you only if you promise to keep me very close to you all of this exciting night.

- I want you to go ahead to the party with Dina and the others.

George and I have business first.

- Oh, you're hard to love sometimes.

- Dina, I know all of this makes you very happy, but when does your life begin?

- When do I trade in my brother and his piano on babies and things?

- Something like that.

- When he doesn't need me anymore, I guess.

- I think it's time.

He's old enough, successful enough.

- George, you see those soft gray glove he always wears before and after he plays?

He needs those gloves.

They protect his hands from the cold, and they help keep his fingers completely flexible when he plays.

It may be psychological, but it's a part of his greatness with music.

Everything's a part of it.

You're his gray gloves of the business world and- - And you're his gray gloves against loneliness.

- For the time being.

He's the most selfish man in the world when it comes to his concept of the creation of beauty.

He pours everything into it.

It's the source of his greatness and of his loneliness.

- Hey, you're the guy on the billboard, aren't you?

- What was that?

- The poster outside the theater.

You're the guy with the piano.

- That's right.

- Boy, my kid sure loves music.

- Really?

- Yeah, practices all the time.

He'd really like to meet you.

- Well, bring him around next time I'm here, I'll have some passes for him.

- You're okay, Mr. Paris.

Maybe sometime you can even hear him play.

- Maybe.

How old is he?

- 10.

Don't think he's a sissy.

He's the best shortstop on the school team.

- I play the piano and I don't think I'm a sissy.

- You know what I mean.

(Mr. Paris chuckles) - Yes, I know.

10 year old boys just don't usually.

- It's something his mother always wanted.

She died four years ago.

And I found this teacher who would come give lessons at night.

It's a good time for it, too.

Night.

That's when you can start thinking about a lot of things.

Yeah, a lot of things.

His piano and all the practicing make it easier.

Hey, I want you to see a picture of my kid.

I've got it right here.

(dramatic music) Look out!

(car honks) (car crashes) - I don't see any other way.

Get him ready.

- What are you gonna do?

- You're not supposed to be in here!

- Regulations be damned, what are you gonna do?

- All right, Mr. Britton.

You have a right to know.

I'm going to amputate what's left of his hands.

- You're mad!

This man is Vernon Paris, you can't cut off his hands.

- He no longer has anything left that resembles hands.

- You're wrong.

You've got to be wrong.

I was at the accident, I saw them.

They were cut, bleeding, bent, yes, but my god, they were still hands.

- You're overlooking a basic fact.

His gloves were on.

Cut, torn, bloodstained, but still with a semblance of shape.

That's what you saw.

Gloves.

- You know, to do this to a man like that, it would be better just to drive your scalpel through his heart.

Simpler for you, same result for him.

Without his hands, Vernon Paris will be dead.

Tell me, Doctor.

What would your reaction be if suddenly you were to find yourself without either one of these?

Yes.

Now let's pretend they are your hands, what would you do?

- Well, there's- - [George] Yes?

- There's only one possibility.

The odds against success are almost total.

- Almost as opposed to something that's already definite?

(dramatic music) - I wonder if we're thinking the same thing.

- It couldn't be anything else under the circumstances, could it?

- You've got to get permission first.

- There's no time.

(dramatic music) But perhaps it was lucky for all of us that you were just behind him in the crash.

I'm going to try something radical.

I don't know if you're gonna like it.

- It doesn't matter, as long as you save his hands.

- Nothing will save them, but he'll have hands.

- Mechanical hands are of no use to this man.

Don't you understand that?

- Perfectly.

I said hands.

Some years ago people would've called you crazy if you told them that you could take part of one human eye and place it in another.

Yet today a corneal transplant is a standard operation.

It gives renewed sight.

- Yes, I know, but hands are different.

- A different part of the same human body.

Surgical scientists in every country all over the world are dedicated to the future truth that human life one day might be extended indefinitely by the replacement of defective or worn out parts.

Like now, such a principle is the only one that will save the musical talent of your friend.

- But muscles, his nerves.

How do you know that?

- I've already told you, we don't know.

Now, do we go ahead or not?

(tense music) - Why?

My god, why?

What right have they got to do a thing like that?

Not to Vernon, not his hands!

- Dina, you've got to understand- - I understand you're trying to make me believe a nightmare!

- I can only tell you that surgically everything went as planned.

- Surgically everything went as planned?

- Dina Paris, Dr. Harding.

- I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances.

- I'm sorry we have to meet at all!

- I know how you must feel about his loss.

- You pretend to understand what a pair of hands means to a man like my brother.

- I think a surgeon is aware of the importance of the human hand in all its aspects.

- Well, perhaps there's one you've overlooked!

You think you understand the human hand?

I'll teach you more than you ever thought you knew about.

You're not a doctor, you're a monster!

A selfish, crazy monster!

I must be having a nightmare.

I know I'll wake up, I've got to.

- I've transplanted other hands, yes.

Done in order to save his talent, not destroy it.

What I cut from the ends of his arms no longer resembled hands.

- It's a lie!

It's got to be a lie!

You needed some kind of a guinea pig for your insane experiments!

- Miss Paris.

What we did in that operating room just now could end all our careers.

If you want vengeance, you can have it very easily because we didn't get your approval.

But if you choose that vengeance, you may set off a chain of emotional reaction in your brother that will guarantee failure.

Guarantee that he'll never have hands.

- You cannot turn my brother into some kind of a freak two-headed dog just for the sake of science.

- There's something you have to see.

- You can't do that.

- I don't think she'll understand any other way.

(Dina sobs) (dramatic music) Please.

(dramatic music continues) - I saw them before the operation.

- No... No... - The genius that flowed through these hands is no more.

But his basic genius remains.

With a great deal of luck, we'll have made it possible for him to continue.

You must have faith.

- Is it faith, Doctor?

Or just ego, as far as your particular talent is concern?

- Tonight, four people did everything in their power to help your brother.

I appreciate your feeling of personal tragedy, but I think you've wallowed in it long enough at my expense.

- Listen, Doctor, I realize you've been through a great deal tonight, but I don't think- - Well, I do think.

From now on, the only thing that's important is the absolute cooperation of everyone involved in this man's life.

Cooperation that will create the proper recovery state of mind for him.

- Your attitude is a very crude one, Doctor.

- Maybe we ought of waited.

- No, George.

This man who's taken such sudden control of Vernon's life, I want to know what he expects to do.

And I want to know whose hands he put on my brother's arms!

Can you answer that?

- No, I can't!

There's no precedent for what we've done.

No published catalog of spare parts to choose from at the local deep freeze.

- And you know nothing about the other man at all?

- Coincidence placed him on that table two hours before your brother's accident.

He had powerful hands, that's all we have to know.

- That's all?

- If you're concerned with the possibility that he might've been some kind of madman, let me assure you that psychotic tendencies don't transfer themselves mystically to the physical extremities after death!

- You know that for a fact?

- No, no, I don't!

I don't even know about Mother Goose or the weak people we neglect!

(dramatic music) You're right.

I guess I was cracking under it.

- A personal loss for us, a terrible responsibility for you.

We'll be back in the morning.

- The man has been fingerprinted.

A complete check will be run, I assure you.

- When can we see him?

- Not for a week.

He's under heavy sedation and additional radiation treatments.

It's a critical period for his body's acceptance of the hands.

- Can't we even see him?

- Trust me, if you can.

And when you do see him, it's vital that he believe he's only had simple emergency surgery.

I've got to have at least 6 weeks before the final bandages come off.

- How long until we really know?

- It won't be long before his body gives us the answer.

What we do as far as his mind is concerned, well, he'll need all of us for that.

(dramatic music) - Well, hello and welcome back.

We hope you're somehow on some unexplainable level enjoying Hands of a Stranger.

- I kinda am.

But you know, I think I've seen this before.

It's somehow familiar.

- Really?

- Yeah, I think I have seen this movie.

- Tell me.

- Well, one time, it was a long time ago, I got picked up for practicing medicine without a license in Montana, and in the holding cell, there was a TV on, and I swear, I'll go to my grave thinking this movie was on.

But it was somehow different.

The sound wasn't on on the TV and the people looked different, but there was just something... - Well, you might not be as dumb as you look.

Wait, who am I kidding?

But this film is a remake.

- Really?

- Yes.

This is a film that is a loose remake of 1924's classic, The Hands of Orlac.

Both films are based on a 1920 French novel, and both that novel and silent film are eminently superior to this thing.

I mean, a 90 minute film of Mittens reading soup recipes is better than this.

- Well, I would watch that.

But tell me more about this book-movie situation.

Were some movies books first?

Are you actually telling me right here in front of me that there was a Smokey and the Bandit book out there?

- Well, no.

But many books have been used as source material.

Coming up with a movie idea is hard, and it's often easier to just let a novelist do the heavy lifting.

Any boob can make a movie, but writing a book is difficult.

- I had no idea.

So, so, lots of movies were books first.

- Oh, yeah.

Too many to name.

Dracula, Gone with the Wind, The Autobiography of Fran Tarkenton.

Frankenstein, The Godfather.

Literally thousands of movies were books first, and many pretentious people will go out of their way to tell you the book is always better even if you didn't ask.

- You know... You probably heard me say this before, I have always said that my life would make a great movie.

Maybe I ought to write a book first.

- Oh, really?

You really think people want to read about your life of shame and humiliation?

- I don't know.

I think I might have a pretty good story to tell.

- About what?

- Oh, my life, my hopes, my dreams.

My demons, my adventures, my escapades!

- No one wants to read about that.

- But what if I fill it with a lot of pictures?

- Of what?

You?

My god, man, have you looked in a mirror?

- Yes, me.

Of course me.

And of course I would put in a picture or two of you.

- Sadly, no one is gonna sort through 300 blurry, gin stained pictures of you just to find two pictures of me.

- What if I could put in five pictures of you?

- Still a no from me, I'm afraid.

And I think with some certainty I could speak for the humanity as a whole when I say, it's a no from all of us.

Literally no one on earth is gonna read your book.

- You know what?

I'm gonna start cutting out some pictures anyway, I'm gonna do some preliminary cut and paste work anyway.

- Ah.

See what they're doing here?

El Sapo used the words "cutting" and "cut".

That's called building a premise.

But how will it pay off?

Will they deliver?

(man chuckles) Let's wait and see.

- No one is interested in your foolishness, and I would think the conditions of your many terminations from boundless jobs contain non-disclosure agreements.

It's probably not a good idea for you to talk about the past.

And do I need to mention the statute of limitations?

You're gonna write yourself right into a jailhouse or a nuthouse.

Sorry, I don't think a book is a good idea.

- Well, I'm gonna do it anyway.

I've been meaning to go through all my old scrapbooks.

- Scrapbooks?

Okay, granny, go ahead.

Maybe later you and Blanche can share a sarsaparilla during a game of Mahjong.

Go away and start scrapping.

And while Aunt Bee here is getting his papers in order, why don't you folks get back to the endless nightmare of tragedy and despair that is Hands of a Stranger, here on Nightmare Theatre.

(match strikes) (lighthearted music) - You know, Doctor, I'm one of those people who believes that our department renders a definite service to the safety and welfare of the community, just as you do.

Now, I'm sure you observe certain regulations that make your work more orderly, more effective, am I at all correct?

- Generally.

- Well now, so do we.

For instance, when we have a homicide to contend with, and we receive a body at the morgue, we feel it's reasonable to expect that we'll receive all of it.

- Mhm.

- Don't ask me why, but I hold a feeling of kinship and respect for a man like you.

On the other hand, I suspect you of some premeditated diddling on the hillside.

Mind you, I've said nothing about this at the department because I'm sure you have a totally worthy explanation.

So, exactly what have you done with those hands?

(tense music) It's nice to know you're sympathetic to my needs, but you know this isn't enough.

- Inspector, let's pretend it's the past.

Say, two months prior to the time this technique of identification was established.

Suppose you came to me and said you were on the verge of a discovery that would greatly advance your profession and mankind as a result.

Yet for definite reasons, you needed those last two months in order to prove it.

Would you expect me to block you or to interfere?

- Mm.

Very good analogy, I'm sorry you thought of it.

- Will you go along with me for that long?

With the promise you'll be given the complete story the second it's possible?

You have enough on this chart for a full preliminary check.

- Well, you're complicating things for me at the department.

I suppose I can create an acceptable story.

I suppose I'm as idealistic as you in many ways.

I'm sure my wife and children would support me in that up to a point.

But for everyone's sake, let's hope we don't pass that point.

(dramatic music) - This will be his first moment of true consciousness.

Please let me handle explanations.

Guard your reactions against any indication of seriousness.

(tense music) Mr. Paris.

You have visitors.

Mr. Paris?

(mysterious music) - My hands.

- You're going to be perfectly all right.

- What's happened to my hands?

- There was a traffic accident.

Some of your fingers were broken.

You're gonna be all right.

- The cab.

That fool driver.

Why are my hands like this?

- We knew who you were, what your hands meant to you.

We've immobilized them so the fingers will mend perfectly.

- I have to be in New York.

The concert, recordings.

- I've postponed them until you're well again.

- You will play again, Vernon.

You will.

- Dina, don't lie to me.

- I'm not lying, darling.

Dr. Harding did a beautiful job.

Your hands will be perfect.

- Dr. Harding?

Perfect, Dr. Harding?

In your terms or in mine?

- In yours.

In just a few weeks, you'll have full flexibility again, full timing.

- Why did it have to happen to my hands?

- You're lucky it was only this.

Glass was shattered from every window of the cab.

You can see to play, and you will play.

All you need is that belief, and some patience.

(lighthearted music) - Not very aesthetic, is it, George?

It might make an unusual shot for our next poster.

- It'll be a month before we can remove the bandages.

You can go home in a week.

I think you'll be more comfortable there.

- Home.

Where I can stare at the piano.

I wonder how long it's going to be, and how good it'll ever be again.

- So you can stare at it, remind yourself to be patient.

To fight for something that's important, and beautiful.

(dramatic music) Look at that.

Perfect fusion on both.

- You've done it, Gil.

- Not yet.

All we know is that his body's accepted the hands, we don't know how they're going to function.

- But nobody's even gotten this far before.

Do you realize what that means?

- It only means we've taken a step, Ken, that's not enough.

- Not enough?

Gil, even if the rest fails, if the nerve and muscle connections don't work- - It must work.

- But you can't hope for too much.

- Why not?

It's the only way we have the courage to take the next step, and the next.

- But when will we know?

- That's why I've called you in here.

I've waited longer than I've planned to be sure.

Now, I'm going over to remove the bandages and make the first reflex test.

I want you all there because you helped make it possible.

Also, I think he'll need all the moral support we can give him.

This may not be pleasant, so if any of you don't want to come, say so.

Russ?

Kenny?

Holly?

- Did I ever tell you I couldn't stand the sight of blood?

- Let's see if our dream is a realistic one.

If it's possible to recreate beauty out of chaos.

(dramatic music) Dina, push the lamp back a little, we don't need that much.

I hope you don't mind an audience.

Russ, Ken, and Holly all helped the night of the accident.

- Oh, I'm used to audiences.

Glad to have one again after so long.

These weeks of waiting haven't been easy, but if it ends well, I'll be grateful to all of you.

- Are you ready?

- After 7 weeks, yes, I'm ready.

- Just do one thing for me.

I ask you not to question it.

I want you close your eyes and keep them closed 'til I tell you.

That shouldn't be so hard.

Only a few more minutes after 7 weeks.

- Apparently dramatics aren't limited to the stage.

(mysterious music) - Keep your hands flat on the table.

Now...

I'm gonna touch the fingers of your hand.

Each time when you feel the touch, I want you to move that finger.

(tense music) (lighthearted music) Before you open your eyes, I'm going to tell you one thing.

I want you to remember it.

It's vital that you do.

- Are you trying to ease me into acceptance of a failure, Doctor?

- What we've done for you surpasses my hopes.

But the success of every surgery depends on two things.

Medical skill, and acceptance on the part of the patient.

- Are these your usual terms for such a thing as simple as broken fingers?

I don't think so.

- Keep your eyes closed!

The response in your fingers is 80% correct.

The rest will return, but it's going to take practice on your part.

You were right about one thing.

It was more than just broken fingers.

But the thing that you've got to believe is that we've been successful, because we have.

During these weeks of waiting, you've told me about your absolute belief in music and beauty.

When you open your eyes, you're going to see something that will demand a great deal of the sensitivity, courage, and creative thinking you have as an artist.

Now, open your eyes.

(dramatic music) - What have you done to my hands?

- They were terribly mangled in the accident.

We've made it possible- - What have you done?

- We've made it possible for you to have perfectly good hands.

- These aren't my hands.

(dramatic music) What have you done!

- We've given you hands while you had none.

When you arrived at the hospital, we were faced with a tragedy.

We didn't accept that.

We fought to restore the beauty that was so important to you, and we did!

They're strong, normal hands, and your body's accepted them.

Now you must accept them, and fight.

- Why?

Why?

- Because it is!

- What have you done with my hands?

- What you brought to the hospital were no longer hands.

(tense music) Stand up.

Take hold of my arm.

Take hold of my arm!

Both hands.

(dramatic music) Grip it, as hard as you can.

The fact that you can even do that proves the muscles work.

Can you feel my arm?

That proves the nerves are functioning.

Muscles and nerves, that's all you need.

These hands are new, but your talent isn't.

What happened to you 7 weeks ago was cruel.

What I'm doing to you now is cruel.

But what we did in that operating room wasn't.

Now, you can accept or you can quit.

It's up to you.

- Get out.

- Vernon, would you- - All of you.

(dramatic music) - Patience, exercise, belief.

There's any chance in the world.

- Every chance that beauty can once more be created by your surgical freak.

- It can.

- You're right, Doctor.

You were cruel just now.

But your bluntness has restored reality for me.

I'm just not sure how long it can remain.

I suggest you leave now.

- Tomorrow we'll talk about that reality.

(dramatic music) - I'll be back, Vernon.

(dramatic music) - Hello and welcome back.

Man, this film is awful.

Did I tell you or did I not tell you?

- You told us?

Is that what you want to say?

- Yeah, say it.

I told you, and more importantly, I told the people in the audience how bad this film was.

I'm an excellent judge of movies.

On this one, I could tell just by the film can.

- Oh, I don't know, boss.

You shouldn't always judge a book by the cover.

- That's simply not true!

For example, if you're on the cover of a book, I feel confident judging it as terrible.

By the way, what is all this stuff?

- I'm gonna start cutting up some old printouts to make a photo collection from a book.

- Think of all the trees who gave their lives for that paper.

What a waste.

- Those trees had it coming!

I fell out of a tree once.

Well, twice.

- I'm sure you did.

You know what?

I don't care.

You should really be more careful with that thing!

- Oh, don't worry about it, boss, I'm certified.

I was a Boy Scout for a few weeks, well, days, well, hours.

And I earned a paper cutting merit blade.

- That blade is a dangerous thing in the hands of an idiot.

- Here it comes, folks!

Here it comes.

He said "hands".

I think we are about to see the conclusion to that premise we saw earlier.

- Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, I'm pretty careful, I won't cut myself.

- Listen, I'm not worried about that, I'm worried you might hurt me.

- Oh, well, there's very little chance of that.

(dog barks) (Mittens whimpers) - A-ha!

See?

There it is.

Jackpot!

- Now look what you did!

You cut Mittens' hand off!

And you got glitter and glue all over it!

We have to sterilize it and autoclave it and that's gonna take hours!

Calm down.

Now, what are we gonna do?

He has to fix my bathtub tonight and he can't do it with one hand.

Do you realize what you've done to me?

I've just got a new bottle of Mr.

Bubbles, and now I won't be able to use it!

- Well, I admit, it does seem we're in a bit of a pickle here.

- I'm gonna pickle you!

- What do you think we should do, boss?

- We?

We?

We didn't cut his hand off, you did!

So you're gonna have to fix it.

- Oh, no, no problem here.

Come on, boy, I'll just tape it right back on.

- Good gravy, Sapo, you can't just tape his hand back on, it's gotta be cleaned!

- It's double-stick tape, it's gonna work.

- No, it won't.

You can't tape a hand on.

Trust me, I've tried.

We need something else!

We need a stopgap measure until we can get some crooked doctor in here.

One that knows how to keep his mouth shut.

- I'll get on the phone right now.

- No, wait a minute.

Let's keep this in the family for right now.

Down where that weird guy lives, there's a small refrigerator, and it has a cryogenically frozen hand stored next to the pizza rolls.

Go get it and bring it back here immediately.

I can graft it on.

No, wait, you'll put it on.

I just paid 34 bucks for this manicure, and I'm not gonna risk chipping a nail or getting poked with an old, rusty needle.

You'll put a loner hand on him until we can get a licensed professional.

But wait, that's gonna cost a lot, and it's gonna drive up our car insurance.

He's gonna have to get by with that hand in the freezer.

Now, go get it!

- Okay, I'll go get it, boss.

- Oh, and bring back some of those pizza rolls while you're at it.

Ah.

I might as well get something out of this mess.

Well folks, it seems things have gotten out of hand here.

So while we try to fix this mess, why don't you folks get back to Hands of a Stranger, here on Nightmare Theatre.

Just kinda like breathe or something.

I don't know, it's like the... (Baron exhales) - Dina.

- I know, George.

Thank you, I'll call.

- Let him have his anger and torment for now.

I think he'll be strong enough later to accept the fight.

- His finger reactions weren't even right.

- Yes, they were.

- But when you touched them- - I touched the fingers on each hand in sequence at first.

Then I deliberately changed the sequence.

The finger that reacted was the one he thought should react next.

Then I went back and touched the finger, and it moved.

It's simply a matter of mental coordination on his part.

- It seems so much to expect.

- Dina, what we've done has never been done before.

It's a triumph for us, but it's got to be one for him too.

- I think I better move in here for a while.

- He'll need you.

- I wonder if there'll ever be a day when he doesn't.

I know how hard it is for you to accept, but do you realize what Gil has done for you?

- Yes.

He made them come true.

All those dreams I've had through the years about something happening to my hands.

- Gil's genius has made it possible for your talent to continue.

- His genius with a knife and the human body has put on my arms the hands of some man I don't even know.

- Is that important if you can play again?

- Important?

It's important my sanity could even accept that these aren't mine!

His genius has given me hands to feel with, but can he guarantee these stolen chunks of flesh and bone will ever be... - These are your hands!

Now it's up to you to make them sing in the future as they did in the past.

It's you who control your hands!

- Don't you understand?

I was my hands, they were my life!

Now I'm carrying the life of someone I know nothing about!

- Then you must learn again, or you will have no life.

- Why me?

Why couldn't this have happened to that cab driver who doesn't need his hands so much?

- I only know from Gil that the man suffered too.

His life may not be as delicate or as complex as yours, but I'm sure he'll fight to maintain it.

- [Vernon] Leave me alone.

- I'm going to stay here for a while.

I'll be back as soon as I get some things from my apartment.

Please be patient.

(dramatic music) (audience claps) (offkey piano music) (dramatic music) (romantic music) (doorbell rings) - Why, you're a half hour... Why, Vernon.

What a pleasant surprise.

- I want to talk to you.

- I can't right now.

- It's important.

- All right, but I only have a few minutes.

(romantic music) - You always did have a talent for creating the proper visual mood.

- This is no concern of yours.

- Obviously, since our relationship is primarily a social one.

- What does that mean?

- It must be if you haven't been interested enough to see me during these past weeks.

- I called the hospital the following day, left my sympathies.

- Very generous of you.

- Vernon, I'm very sorry about your accident but- - Pain isn't a desirable substitute for laughter and excitement, is it?

- Vernon, I've had a great many things to do.

I'm also expecting a guest within a half hour- - A guest?

- You don't own me, Vernon.

- I know!

(romantic music) But now I need you.

- How interesting.

Well, there were times when I needed you.

Remember your favorite line?

"That would be too much like playing a great composition over and over."

You had to play many in order to live and grow as an artist.

- There's a difference now.

I can't explain everything right away, but my life has changed, you've got to understand.

- Vernon, if one of your other woman has put you in your place, I don't see any reason to come crying to me.

- That's not it!

Yes, there were others.

There were others for you too.

I don't think either of us had any illusions about that.

But for me, you were always the most important, the loveliest.

In the back of my mind maybe I always thought some day- - Vernon, neither of us ever thought that "some day".

You were always a very exciting, very desirable man.

But this attitude in you now, this heaviness, I don't like it at all.

I'll be very happy to see you on the old basis, but right now I wish you'd go.

- What if the old basis has been changed by something I could do nothing about?

- I don't like you this way and I don't like riddles.

- What if there won't be any concerts or parties?

What if there'll only be me?

- Stop it, Vernon.

I've never seen you this way, and I don't want you this way.

- What if there'll only be me?

- Stop it, stop it!

- Answer me!

- Let me go.

Your hands are breaking my arms, your hands- - Yes, my hands.

The hands that brought you concerts, parties, glamor, excitement.

That's what happened when you called to leave your sympathies.

My hands that you knew so well.

Look!

They don't look like my hands, do they?

They're not.

My hands were destroyed the night of my greatest concert.

But medical science gave me a new pair of hands, hands from another body so that I can play again.

Yes, Eileen, I may play again, but I may not!

What if there'll only be me?

What would you do if I need your help now more than I need your beauty?

- Don't touch... (lamp clangs) (Eileen screams) (fire blazes) - Okay.

Now, continue to make those stitches.

Follow the line of his wrist.

See, surgery, it's not a big deal.

It's easy.

- You know what?

I'm doing a pretty good job here.

I bet I could make me a career out of doing this.

- No, no, no, that's a terrible idea.

- Well...

I just noticed something here, boss.

- Well, that's a first.

- This hand?

It has these fancy colored nails, and it's a little soft.

- [Baron] Like your head.

- This hand seems a little feminine?

- Maybe.

And what of it?

- Are you sure it's a boy's hand, boss?

- Okay, boomer.

Welcome to the modern world.

A hand is a hand.

All hands are the same under the skin.

Even those those lobster claws of yours, Grady Stiles.

We have to use what we have.

Beggars can't be choosy pickers.

- I guess you're right, but it's still kinda funny though.

- How so?

- I mean, if we put a lady's hand on him, any chance he might turn into a lady?

- And just how would that happen?

A hand is a hand.

If you needed yet another liver transplant, would you care if the liver came from a lady?

- Oh, yes I would.

- Why?

- I can't go walking around with lady innards.

People would talk!

- Stop being a Stone Age moron and focus on what you're doing.

We've got the hand on him, and there's still time to fix my tub.

- He can't fix a tub with a lady's hand.

- Why not?

Some of the greatest plumbers in history have been women.

Rosie the Riveter could fix a sink in no time.

Josephine the Plumber was an expert.

Irene Lorenzo from All in the Family was a great plumber.

You really need to evolve, Sapo.

- I still think it's a bad idea to give him a lady's hand.

- I had to give him what I had.

Remember, this is all your fault.

Do you want him to have one of your hands?

Folks, why don't you get back to the action as we continue with Hands of a Stranger, here on Nightmare Theatre.

You know you forgot the pizza rolls, right?

(lighthearted music) - I know this must make me look pretty much like a snoop, but I'm sure you understand, it's part of my job.

- I also understand we made a bargain.

- With a time factor that was up a week ago.

You see, I'm not without patience.

- The main point was I'd give you the complete story as soon as it was possible.

You implied you'd trust my judgment.

- Yes, I remember, but there's a problem.

I have somewhat of a neurotic respect for perfection in my work, I don't like to see assignments go unsolved.

Although, I recognize there's no set schedule for the solution.

Specifically, the fingerprints you gave me have been thoroughly checked and they gave me nothing.

- And you think I gave you a false set?

- You're not that kind of a man.

We're in the process of checking them through foreign bureaus, but while we're waiting, I thought there might be something new you could offer to keep my mind at peace.

- There's nothing I can tell you yet.

There's a human factor that's involved that's critical.

Trust me a while longer.

- Very well.

- Thanks.

- Uh...

In the meantime, please remember my wife and children.

- When I got back last night, he was sitting at the piano, dazed.

He didn't say a word all night.

I don't think he went to sleep either.

And then in the morning came the tragic news of the death of a woman who was very important to him.

He was more depressed.

- When did he leave?

- Late this morning.

He said he wanted to be alone.

I wanted to go with him, but he was cruel in the way he rejected me.

I'm frightened.

- Don't be frightened.

It's natural in the beginning.

He's got to feel sorry for himself.

Hate everyone and everything that caused this.

He'll be back.

- I hope you're right.

- In the meantime, I think the separation's good for us.

Let's have dinner.

We've never done that.

I know a little place with violins not far from here.

We'll be back early.

(doorbell rings) (mysterious music) - Does Tony Wilder live here?

- Yes, sir.

- Is he in?

- No, sir, but he'll be back in a little while.

He went to get something.

A dog.

Isn't that great?

- I'm an only friend of his, used to ride in his cab all the time.

I want to talk to him.

- I really shouldn't let you in but...

I guess you look okay.

You like dogs?

Okay, come on in.

(door slams) (dramatic music) You ever had a dog?

Hey mister, you ever had a dog?

- Yes, a long time ago.

- When you were a kid like me, huh?

(dramatic music) You had a piano once too?

Were you any good?

I'm good too.

Want me to play for you?

I'm not bad, honest.

I like to play.

Dad never has to make me.

You know a lot about the piano?

I'll play you a real great tune I just learned.

It'll make you feel better 'cause... You don't look so hot.

- [Vernon] No.

Not right now.

- Aw, come on.

I like to play for people.

Helps me not to be nervous.

I'll make you a deal.

If you don't like it, I'll quit.

Okay?

(dramatic music) - And they were both killed when we were very small.

We ended up with relatives who resented the obligation.

So more or less, we banded together for emotional survival.

- You both had a great desire for life even then.

That's important for him now.

Don't you see?

By going through this, he can become part of a new and even greater kind of beauty.

Maybe that's a lot to imagine right now.

This is the next major step, and he's the key part of it.

- If it had to happen, I thank God we found you.

Gil, whose hands are they?

- We don't know yet.

But they're strong, normal hands.

They might be hands from someone even more talented than Vernon.

- But they could be from someone- - Don't let fear drive you into a pit of superstition.

- But are we sure the soul really controls the outside?

Or is what we call a soul really shaped by our own pleasures or hatreds with the outside, and how they're accepted by the world?

- If you love beauty, you conquer handicap so beauty can live.

- And if you don't?

- Well, mister, how did you like it?

- Kid... You play very well.

- You mean it?

- You could be good.

Very good if you practice.

- Did you practice a lot when you were a kid?

- Yes, I practiced a lot when I was like you.

But I can't remember many things about being 10 years old.

Yes.

Yes, I can.

- Are you still any good?

- I don't know.

- Well, come on and try.

(dramatic music) I want to hear you play now.

But first you gotta take your gloves off.

Who ever heard of playing the piano with their gloves on?

- I can't take them off.

- Sure, you can.

You put them on, didn't you?

(tense music) Gee, mister.

You've got strong hands.

Maybe someday I'll have hands like that, so I can play a lot easier.

Come on.

(dramatic music) (offkey piano music) Gee, mister, it must've been a long time, 'cause you sure can't play now.

How can you play the piano if you can't even hit the chords?

- Don't say that.

I can play, I will play again.

Music is my life.

You mustn't say I can't play, I will play!

(Skeet screams) (Skeet groans) I've never known anything else, that's why I'll play again.

I must play again.

You see that, don't you?

- Skeet?

I'm home, Skeet.

(dramatic music) (dog barks) Easy, boy, easy.

I know it's strange, but you'll get used to it.

Skeet?

Skeet?

Skeet?

(dog barks) Skeet?

Where are you?

(dramatic music) - Well, hello and welcome back.

Things have calmed down quite a bit here.

Mittens seems to be adjusting to his new hand.

♪ There he is ♪ Mr. Lady Hand ♪ The sweetest hand in all the land ♪ - Stop that!

♪ Yes, there he is ♪ Mr. Lady Hand - [Baron] Sapo... ♪ And soon he'll get his wedding band ♪ - Sapo, stop it at once.

And where did you get that microphone?

You're impossible.

You know that?

- I just can't help it.

He knows I'm kidding.

It's just funny, boss.

He's got a lady hand.

Look.

His hands are beautiful and salon fresh.

- So?

He's worth more with one lady hand than you'd be with 20 male hands and he's still your friend no matter what kinda hands he has.

- Oh, I know, I know.

I just think his delicate hand is hilarious.

(El Sapo laughs) - Don't laugh!

Besides, it's your fault he's in this boat.

- Well, women and children get in the boat first.

Right, boy?

- Stop it!

Do you really want to add insult to injury?

- Oh, absolutely!

I didn't know I was allowed to do that.

- You're not!

This is not a good thing, you oaf.

You're horrible and you oughta be ashamed of yourself.

It's not bad enough you bring us a bad movie.

You chop off his hand and then you make fun of him.

- Oh, he knows I'm kidding, don't you, boy?

Or is it girl now?

Oh, come on, fellas.

We always, always make little jokes about each other, right?

That's why we get along so well!

We make little jokes about each other all the time.

- That is not true!

We make big jokes about you.

Mittens and I are off limits.

That's how this works.

I'm the smart one, Mittens is the handsome one, and you're the stooge, the fool, the boob.

But there are some things you just don't laugh about!

- Oh.

You mean if I had a lady's hand, you wouldn't laugh at me?

- Oh, no.

I'd absolutely laugh.

I'd laugh myself hoarse.

I'd call you things like Little Lady Hands McGee or Cool Hand Lucy, and I'd see to it that every moment of your life was the butt of a joke.

But this is Mittens.

He's America's hairy sweetheart.

Besides, you did this to him.

- He looks very upset.

He looks like he's trying to tell us something.

Okay, wait...

He says he wants us to stop fighting and he blames himself.

Woohoo!

I'm off the hook, folks!

- [Baron] You are not off the hook!

- He says he can't take it anymore, this is too much.

- What does that mean?

- He says he can make it right.

What is he talking about, boss?

He's gonna kill you, boss, run for it!

- No, I don't think... Mittens, no!

(Baron sighs) Oh, well then, folks... Why don't you get back to the movie?

Sapo, go call that doctor.

The one that I use, not that chiropractor that we use to treat you.

Let's return to Hands of a Stranger here on Nightmare Theatre.

I don't think I'm getting a bath tonight.

On, no, this is not good.

- Well, this time I don't think we'll have to be as critical.

You can open.

- It's working, Vernon.

It's all working.

- Should I say "congratulations" again, Doctor?

- To yourself.

For your patience.

Every finger response was correct.

The timing was a little slow, but with this much progress this soon, there's no reason why full dexterity can't return.

All you need now is a strong incentive.

That's something you've had for a long time.

- Yes, Doctor.

I think I'll enlarge on your exercises to include the piano.

- Congratulations.

- Congratulations.

- That's wonderful, Mr. Paris.

Ouch.

- I want you and Dina to have dinner with me tonight.

Go someplace where we can laugh for a change.

How about it?

- It's time to see again what the outside world and smiling faces look like.

- How about it?

(clown laughs) (whimsical festival music) (dramatic piano music) (bumper cars smashing) (intense music) - Yes, sir.

A beautiful throw, a beautiful throw.

He's a smiling little doll to take home with you to remind you of your shining hour.

- You take that thing home and you're gonna be the one that has to dust it.

- Test this game of skill.

Win yourself a beautiful prize or a tryout with the L.A. Dodgers.

(whimsical festival music) (dramatic music) Well, a warmup pitch, only a warmup pitch.

Even the greatest need that.

Try again.

(dramatic music) (ball clangs) (dramatic music) (items clanging) Hey, what are you?

Some kind of a nut making fun?

That'll be 20 bucks, buddy.

- I'm sorry.

- Forget the sorry.

I said 20 bucks, buddy.

And if you don't know how to use your hands, stay away from here.

I'm gonna call a cop!

- Okay, wait a minute.

Here's more than enough to take care of the damage.

- All right.

But I'm still gonna call a cop.

That guy is some kind of a nut!

- Look, here's more.

Please forget it.

He's a patient of mine.

He's been through quite enough as it is.

Give him a break.

- Okay.

But if you can't handle him, buddy, we got a place right down the street that specializes in freaks.

(clown cackles) (suspenseful music) (thunder rumbles) (catchy music) - You know, a lot of people, they want to tell you that Forrest Tucker was the star of- - No, he was not.

- But the reality, it was Larry Storch.

- Larry Storch.

- He's the guy that really made that show.

- Great actor.

- Once again, we're back here in the... Let me think about this for a minute.

The sub-sub-sub... - One more, one more.

- Sub-basement of the television studio with the mysterious curator from the Merrill Movie Museum, and he's brought us... Let's all give him a hand.

(Baron chuckles) All right.

So what did you bring us tonight, curator?

- So this is in fact a hand, but it's not just any hand.

- No?

- This is the hand of Lo Pan.

From the movie Big Trouble in Little China, directed of course by John Carpenter.

And this was used in scenes where you could not use the actual actor's hand, because if you've seen Big Trouble in Little China you remember that Lo Pan had magical powers, and he would glow.

Well, James Hong is a talented actor, but he could not make his hand glow or his body glow.

- I mean, he has a glow about him, but definitely not for a special effect.

- Yeah.

So they'd have to make a prosthetic piece where they could shine a light through, and you can kinda see the skin's kinda translucent on the hand there, and very delicate because of age, 'cause this is going back to the mid-80s that this was made.

- In other words, stop touching it.

- Stop touching it?

- But they needed to be able to have the hand work just like a normal hand.

So this is rigged up, you can turn the wrist any way you need to, you can have the- - Oh, whoa!

- The wrist raise the hand, and there's these little levers on here that will move the individual fingers even.

- Wow.

- And so this could basically do most of what an actual human hand can do.

You couldn't probably pick up a soda or anything with it like that, but you could make it look like it was really his hand that was doing this, and being manipulated- - He has five fingers, that checks out.

- So they would've made this specifically for a scene where they're closing up on his hand.

Once you get past about... Not even the elbow, but mid-forearm, this is all torn, this is just a piece of jacket.

You can see all- - Where's the rest of his hand?

- Well, they would've used a full jacket on the actor.

Usually they'll have multiple costumes, so they probably just cut the arm off of one of the backup costumes to put this together.

- To match.

- To match.

- Now, they did also have scenes in the film where Lo Pan had to glow entirely, in which case they had to make an entire- - Glowing man.

- James Hong.

- James Hong figure that they could see glow.

And I've actually seen that, that's come up for auction in the last year or two.

So, it's out there in the world, somebody owns that, just not us.

- Well, this is a pretty fantastic piece.

Big Trouble in Little China, of course, John Carpenter kinda had a lot of fun with that one.

He had made a lot of serious movies at that point.

He'd done Halloween, and he'd done The Thing, and he's done things that were kind of very serious horror movies, and Big Trouble in Little China is more of an action-adventure with some horror in it, but a lot more, like I said, just fun.

Kurt Russell, fantastic as Jack Ryan in it or... - Jack Ryan?

- No, not Jack Ryan.

- He's maybe one of the only actors that hasn't played Jack Ryan.

- Jack Burton.

And you know, his truck the Pork-Chop Express, he's out there just having a great time, and everybody's hamming it up.

Kim Cattrall, of course, in the film.

Just a really... And James Hong, one of those actors who never has gotten the credit he deserves.

- Like me.

- No, he's actually good.

He's a really fantastic actor.

You know, one of the great Asian-American actors who's been in so many things, and just a really talented guy.

- Well, of course, one of the great things about Big Trouble in Little China too is that, it very much presents like Jack Burton is the hero, and Jack Burton certainly thinks he's the hero- - But he's not really the hero.

- He's not.

And the great thing about this film is it is a very early case of Asian-American positive representation in film.

- Yes, absolutely.

- That's very important.

- Not just the villain being like a stereotypical Fu Manchu kind of villain, which he kinda is, but you had an Asian-American hero as the lead.

As really the lead.

- Yes.

- Although Kurt Russell's technically the lead.

- Right.

It's one of those films that if you watch it now, you will not be disappointed.

It still holds up incredibly well.

It's kinda got some reality to it, but it's much more set in a fantasy world, it's kinda timeless in it's own way because it does deal with the mythology and all of that sort of stuff, so it's kinda modern gang with this ancient mythology, and it just really works really well.

It's one of my favorites of all of John Carpenter's films.

And he's made, like I said, he's made serious films and important films like Halloween and The Thing and those kind of films, but this is one that's really purely fun, and you'll have a great time.

So, again, thank you for bringing us such an iconic piece this week, and let's get back to the movie here on Nightmare Theatre.

- Two bucks says I can beat him in arm wrestling.

- Vernon.

You know how proud I am of you?

The new attitude you've had since Gil returned?

- Are you?

- Very.

Remember the night the three of us went out together?

- I remember.

- It started then, didn't it?

- Oh, I think it started a long time before that.

- Gil's proud of you too.

I told him you've been practicing every day since then.

You don't know how important it is to him that he used his skill to bring you a new life.

- Yes.

They all brought me a new life.

- And for me.

I think you know how I've come to feel about Gil.

I want you to be happy for that too.

- I'm very glad that you've come to mean so much to each other.

- Why won't you let me stay on nights that you practice?

(Vernon chuckles) - You know me at my best, I want you to hear me that way the next time.

Besides, you haven't regretted all the time you've been able to spend with him, have you?

- All right, I'll wait.

- What time will you be back tonight?

- 11 or 12.

Just dinner and a conversation.

- Have a good time.

(lighthearted music) (dramatic music) (lively jazz music) (dramatic music) (romantic music) (dramatic piano music) - It can't be!

Gil?

Gil, can it?

- It must be a record.

- He never bought any of his own records.

He was always afraid of becoming a mechanical copy of himself.

I know his style so well.

- I don't know.

It may be possible.

If he's really been practicing and exercising the way you said.

- It's one of his more simple pieces.

Oh, Gil.

Gil, it must be!

(dramatic piano music) (knob turns) Oh, Vernon, was that you playing?

- Oh, I'm sorry you heard.

I wanted it to be when I was a little better.

- Oh, it sounded wonderful.

- Well, it's the only one I've worked on and it's taken me all these weeks.

And what does the man who made it all possible have to say?

- Well, I'm surprised but- - But you told me yourself there was no reason why it shouldn't happen, with exercise, practice.

- Yes, I know.

But I didn't expect this much dexterity this soon.

- Not even when the incentive, the desire to create beauty is strong enough?

You did your work well, Doctor.

Now I'm doing mine.

- Understand one thing.

I want to believe.

- Then do it, Doctor.

Do it because you too have the incentive.

- Gil.

(dramatic music) - Well, I'm sorry.

I know he was a close associate of yours.

Did you know the girl too?

Tragedies of this kind are always senseless, but I'm afraid I have to press you about the significance behind it.

- How can there be able significance to waste?

- Some time ago I read a routine report about a death that occurred in the suburbs.

The man came home and found his son dead.

Apparently as the result of a burglar who was discovered and panicked.

The unusual thing was that most of the boy's fingers were broken.

Possibly it was the result of a fight, except that the fingers were all squeezed together as if they'd been crushed.

The man was an ex cab driver named Wilder.

Can you raise the sheet farther this time and look at your friend's hands?

(tense music) Done with a bookend.

If you're thinking it might've been a burglar, forget it.

It was calculated.

The bookend was placed in the girl's hand to make it look as if she defended herself against a sex attack.

- Then you have your answer.

- That's rather difficult to believe since the girl was choked to death.

A series of tragedies with one thing in common, a human hand.

The same thing that brought us together, Doctor.

- It's ridiculous to assume- - Is it?

Perhaps, if anybody else but your friend had been involved.

This is the kind of coincidence that forces me to become less patient.

I think I know now what's happened.

If I'm correct, it's an amazing piece of surgery, Doctor.

Under the circumstances I must insist you meet me at my office within a half hour.

I...

I hope I'm wrong.

I hope this is pure coincidence.

Otherwise, it means you failed to control an experiment that could've been of great value.

Regardless, both of our objectives are the same.

- I think you know why I wanted you to be the first to hear me play.

- Vernon, I've never been so happy.

- You won't mind if it's the same piece?

- I wouldn't care of it was the scale of C in one octave, just to know you can play again.

- Even though I can play, I'm still nervous about these hands.

It takes all my concentration.

Would you mind sitting in the other room just this once?

- I'd listen to you from the other end of the world if it would help make you great again.

- Dina.

I want you to remember just one thing.

Tonight I'll play my greatest concert.

I need you to help make it complete.

- I'll remember.

(dramatic music) - Now what do I do?

Destroy the very thing I created?

- Help him.

Any jury will call it insanity.

With proper treatment, he can be brought back.

- Can Ken?

Can I?

- Gil, I was almost as close to Ken as you were.

But even his sacrifice can't stop our work, it mustn't.

- How stupid I was.

What he said about incentive.

Oh, yes, he had one all right.

Vengeance on everyone he thought destroyed his ability to create music.

The driver, Ken... - I think we can take care of ourselves.

- Dina, she's with him.

- He won't hurt her.

She's on his side.

We're the enemies.

- With a maniac as shrewd as he's become, I won't take that chance.

- I'm coming too.

- No.

You're involved enough.

Go home to your security.

Try to figure out why it's so hard to find for men like me.

And don't make the same mistakes.

(tense music) (dramatic music) (Dina screams) - Now, if you had just called me in the first place...

But no one ever calls the doctor first.

Everyone has to do it their way.

They must think they know more than the doctor.

- Well, thank you, Doctor.

Whatever the fee is, just send the bill to El Sapo.

Hello and welcome back.

The doctor here has successful re-attached Mittens' real hand, and he's gonna be okay.

- I didn't say that.

What I did say was you can't get it wet.

Whatever means normal for him may take as long as it takes.

- Are there any special instructions?

- No getting wet for two weeks.

You stay away from my work.

This is for you.

You'll get my bill.

- Oh, I'm sorry, we should've called you first.

We apologize.

- [El Sapo] It's all fault, we should've called you first.

- Oh, okay.

- At least his hand's back on, right?

- Yeah, at least we got that back settled and done.

And- - Well, we can't get it wet for a week.

- Well, there goes fixing my tub.

I mean, guys, I guess Mittens is gonna be okay, but my tub sure won't.

I've been thinking about soaking in those bubbles, and that beautiful, pink, magical liquid that makes all my cares disappear, like Sapo.

And again, this is all his fault.

- Hey, problem solved.

You can use my tub, boss.

- I'm not getting anywhere near that filthy barrel you bathe in.

Folks, we might as well get back to the conclusion of Hands of a Stranger.

It can't get any worse, can it?

- Are you sure about this?

- It must be.

He made a special point about it.

"Tonight I'll play my greatest concert."

- Dina, I... - Oh, I don't blame you, Gil.

How can you blame anybody for this?

I just feel numb for all the loneliness and misery he must be feeling inside him.

- Thank you for remembering what I said, Dina.

I was sure I could depend on the audience.

Very important part of a concert.

Yes, I'm going to play for you, Doctor.

I'm used to a great deal of applause after my concerts, and what could be more desirable than applause from the man who made it all possible?

There were others almost as much a part of it as you who should be here, but I don't think we'd find their applause very enthusiastic now.

I did manage to convince one of them, though.

(dramatic music) We had a long chat on the way down here.

Turns out he was very partial to music and my future ability.

The only trouble was he didn't mean it.

So he tried to trick me.

- Why, Vernon?

It was only a matter of time before you would've played again!

- Time?

Time to cut off these hands and give me others, and others if those don't work!

Yes, the doctor has all the time he needs in his laboratory.

He can do anything, except give me back my life.

- He tried to save that life!

- He failed!

- How do you know yet?

- Shall I show you?

- It's too soon.

- I said I was going to play for you.

I am, now.

But I want you beside me, Dina, because you were always there in the past.

- You can't go out there.

- He still needs me.

- It's a trick.

- I might be able to humor him.

Still save him, I've got to.

- It's too much of a chance, you can't do it.

- Then take a gun and go out there and shoot him, now!

- Listen.

Behold the wonders of medical science and your kind doctor.

(offkey piano music) Your triumph, Doctor.

And now mine.

(Dina screams) - Let her go.

Go on back, we'll be all right.

- The talented Dr. Harding, still in charge.

- You're right about one thing.

I'm not responsible for the loss of your hands.

But I am for this.

- Like your friends, you imagine yourself a clever psychologist.

It won't work, Doctor.

- You're interested in nothing but vengeance?

Beauty is no longer important to you.

- On the contrary.

Justice is a form of moral beauty, or is that too unscientific?

- I did everything I could surgically, and your body's accepted it.

Beyond that, I know I failed you.

Your mind couldn't accept.

- That's very beautiful.

What a shame it's only meant to throw me off guard.

- What do you want?

- I want you to take another look at your work.

Just for this moment, I want to share this triumph with you.

(Gil grunts) (gunshot booms) (Dina screams) (dramatic music) - Have you found out whose hands they are?

- Not yet.

Does it make any difference?

I think you know we'll have to talk somewhere.

- Then maybe you'll be able to tell me if we have the right to push ahead so fast.

Even when we believe.

- With men like you who aren't afraid to grow, there'll always be the right.

(somber piano music) (dramatic music) - Well, that was something, wasn't it?

- Boss, boss, boss, boss.

Can I take a moment and say something?

- Can it wait?

We're right in the middle of something here.

- No, I want to get something off my massively expertly crafted, chiseled, and manly chest.

Mittens, this is to you.

I'm sorry I made so many...

I'm sorry, extremely funny jokes about your ridiculous lady hand.

Believe me, I only did it because it was hilarious.

- Do you think that's an apology?

- It's the best that I can do.

- Well, I guess everything is all wrapped up in one tight, little package.

Or is it?

I fear this joyous resolution and pleasant outcome will be short lived.

I'm afraid our heroes are in for some dark days.

- And as usual, it's not enough.

Speaking for things you'll have to apologize for, what do we have on tap for next week?

- We have this, boss!

(dramatic music) - [Presenter] Never before has man been transformed into such hideous proportions!

Never have teenage girls been subjected to the terrifying ordeal in the fantastic room of torture!

(girls screaming) Prisoners on this island of the mad must fight desperately to preserve a sane and conscious mind.

(machine buzzes) This strange and powerful story has been acclaimed as the most terrifying of all time, as it bursts forth the unequal horror of an island of monsters created by a human beast!

(dramatic music) Yes...

Dark days, indeed.

- Well, that's not gonna be fun, is it?

Mittens, are your claws okay now?

Okay, then please, claw my eyes out.

I'll take my glasses off for you.

- No, boss, I don't have any blind guy jokes written!

- Well, folks, we hope you'll join us next week.

But until then, may all your dreams be nightmares.

(thunder rumbles) (catchy music)