- Major funding for the series I am More Than was provided by Caring for Denver Foundation.

Additional support for this program was provided by the Colorado Health Foundation and Demi Fund.

(music playing) - My name is Helen Quang Raleigh.

I'm an immigrant from China, and I am a mother.

I am a wife.

I am a successful businesswoman.

I love life.

No matter how many times I walk through the valley of death, I still have tremendous gratitude and appreciation for this beautiful life and this beautiful world we live in.

(music playing) If you have any questions, just go ahead and ask me.

But this is our starting place.

This is our painting place.

I'm a person of a tremendous curiosity.

I'm always fascinated by other people.

Every new person I meet, I think it's by fate, because there are eight billion people on this planet.

And why that person and me will meet at this very particular moment.

Like Bob Ross.

- Like Bob Ross.

We're going to be just like Bob Ross.

- When I meet someone for the first time, I'd like them not to put me in certain boxes just based on how I look and how I sound.

I know, especially in America, I probably sound very foreign, but I actually lived here for more than 25 years.

I also do not want them to put me in any kind of ideological box either.

I just want them to be interested.

You want to have a conversation with me to get to know who I am.

If I have to describe my life with color, I would say it's multicolored.

The first color came to my mind is going to be red, because red is a very happy color, lucky color for the traditional Chinese culture.

When Chinese people celebrate anything like a birth of a child or wedding or just any celebration, you will see a red.

I also like blue, only because, when I was pregnant with my son, you know how American cultures, you decorated the nurseries.

Everything was blue.

You tell them you going to have a boy.

So all the clothes you get is blue.

And so blue always reminds me of my baby boy.

If I have to pick a color from my childhood, I probably will pick green.

Because I grew up in the mountain region in Western China.

There were a lot of trees, running wild after schools, play, mountains.

And so that's my fondest memory from my childhood.

(music playing) I wanted to come into America for many reasons.

I grew up in communist China.

And for people who are not familiar with, it is a very authoritarian system.

It's a socialist authoritarian system.

When I was growing up, all the necessities in life was rationed, including how much food we can eat each person.

The food rations allocated depends on gender as well as age.

So for the same age, boys and girl, a boy probably would get about four more pound rice each month than a girl.

And my Chinese name happened to be a boy's name.

So the bureaucracy made a mistake.

They thought I was a boy.

So for a while, I received a food ration meant for a boy.

But I can tell you, even with the additional food ration, I was still hungry all the time.

I can tell you, I still remember the first time I had a fish.

I still remember the first time I had the chicken, the smell, the fragrance, the color is still getting me mouthwatering just because how hungry I was.

One day, Chinese police came into our house, just do random check.

It happens very often in China.

They do not need warrants or anything.

They could just check for no reason.

And of course, when he compare our household registration paper and who's in the home, he realized the government made a mistake.

I was a little girl.

I was a girl.

I was supposed to receive just the girls' ration, but I was receiving the boys' ration.

But he would never admit the government made a mistake.

So he accused my family of cheating.

He demanded we pay the government back.

Back then, the food ration was distributed through coupons.

So my entire family had to put their coupon together to help me to pay the government back.

This whole incident had a tremendous impact in my life.

I wasn't thinking about any grunt, theories about liberty, or personal freedom, or dignity.

I would just keep asking myself two questions.

First, why does a girl has to eat less than a boy?

Who gets to decide that?

And the second, why can't I decide how much I wanted to eat.

Even with a boy's ration, like I said, I was still hungry.

Why do I not get to make those decisions?

It's those kind of idea plant a seed in my heart that I want to go somewhere.

Someday, I get to make those basic decisions.

To everybody outside America, America just represent this big hope.

This is where you go to enjoy freedom, to make something out of yourself, not have your life determined by a bureaucracy.

So, it was those ideas later on gradually formulate motivated me to want to come to United States - Cameras A, B, C, D, E,F - I think immigrant and mental health is probably a very new concept because, as an immigrant, when we first came to United States, we came into a strange country.

We had to speak a language that's not our native language.

So we didn't have time to think about other things other than survival.

Mental health was not even a subject that even have time to think.

It's kind of like a luxury for other people.

We carry a lot of financial burden, not only just finance.

I feel like I carry the burden of my entire family and our neighbors' expectations.

Like, I have to succeed.

I cannot fail.

It will just keep, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Thinking about taking care of yourself is really-- after I finished my degree, I started working.

We paid back all the money my family borrowed.

Only after all the debts were cleared, that's when I feel like I could finally relax a little bit.

I already proved to everyone that I did not fail.

All right.

Bob Ross.

Here I go.

Unfortunately, mental health and immigration is, I think, it's a brand new field.

I wish more people will study this field and think about it.

How can we help immigrants to deal with their mental health?

But just speak from my own experience.

Many of us just did not have the time.

I don't think I'm struggling with depression constantly.

There are definitely moments because I lost the two children and they're constantly in my heart.

It's impossible for me to not think about them and without feeling sadness, even though as a Christian, I know someday I'm going to see them again.

But as a mother, I want them here now.

I want see them here now.

I want to see them play.

I want to see them walking with dogs.

I want to see them chasing birds, climb trees, especially when I see other children doing those things.

There is a tinkle in my heart that I want to see my child.

My children are here doing this.

So I have good days and bad days, but I'm glad to say that I have more good days than bad days.

And I also learned how to cope when the bad days come.

No matter how much time goes by, it's not something you just forget or get over.

There's no getting over.

But there are ways we can do to know how to deal with it, to know how not to let ourself sink into that deep depression that's not only affect ourselves, but also affect the loved ones who are still here.

(music playing) After I lost my son five years ago, I always tell other people, now I live two lives.

Unfortunately, I also had a miscarriage during COVID.

It was a girl.

So I say, now I lived the life that my children did not get to live on this planet.

So after I lost my son, Lucas, the way I dealing with my grief is I have things to do.

I accomplished something.

The CDC defines stillbirth as the pregnancy loss happened after the 20th week.

So it's pretty late term.

So I learned from this organization in Minnesota, they actually have several proposals to help families who lost babies, experience pregnancy loss, infant loss.

One of their proposals is about establish tax credit for families who experienced the stillbirth.

Because when the infant loss happen so late during a pregnancy, just like in my family situation, we already had the nursery decorated, you already spend the money waiting for the child to come.

And then when you lost the child at the last minute, it's already tremendous loss.

You lost your child.

The last thing you want to worry about is the finance.

So this bill basically say, hey-- had their baby lived, these parents would qualify those tax credit anyway.

Now, just because their baby did not survive, how about we still give them tax credit for that year they lost their baby so they will have money to deal with like funerals or grief counseling, just something?

So I thought this is a good bill.

This is a good proposal.

It's a good bill.

And the six states including Minnesota in United States that already passed this bill.

I started advocating it.

I talked to some of the local charitable organizations and they helped me identify some local legislatures.

And this local charitable organizations, it promote itself as a bipartisan organizations.

These organizations actually help to draft the bill.

They were going to send it to the committee.

And then, for reasons I don't understand, they invited me for coffee.

And the coffee turned out to be a ambush.

They did not want to talk about bill.

Basically, they told me how shocked they were that I am politically active and I'm actually not progressive as they imagined, or I'm not leaning left as they imagined because I write for center-right publications.

They were disappointed me that I didn't disclose my political affiliation.

It's not just Republicans losing babies.

Trauma doesn't just hit based on your partisan affiliation.

Why does that even matter?

They were the one who said that I didn't realize you're so sophisticated.

You are speaking, you are writing, you get on TVs.

You don't need our help, which is devastating.

After I worked with them for several months, I learned the truth.

There's no healthcare bill is going to ever get out of committee without this organization's help.

Both Republicans and the Democrats rely on them to get together, all the stakeholders to nail down all the differences.

I actually draft the bill for the legislature to bring it up to the committee, to get it passed.

So the fact that they are not willing to help me basically means this bill going to die.

This bill actually end up died.

So when you talk about bias, that's always the first bias I thought about, that people see me as an Asian immigrant.

They immediately say, oh, she must be a progressive and she must think like certain ways.

And honestly, nowadays, because I'm so out there, I'm very outspoken.

I feel more hate from left than right.

Because the left, they treat people like me-- not all the people on the left, but the far left.

They treat people like me with contempt because they think people like me owe our allegiance to them.

That if we don't share their beliefs, they don't care what life experiences we have, how we come into those conclusions.

They treat us even worse than the real right-wingers, far right-wingers.

Unfortunately, that's my experience.

There's a Chinese saying, actually from Confucius, that the every three people you meet, at least one can be my teacher.

- Can you give me your best Bob Ross impersonation?

- It has to be like a flap brush like this.

Yeah.

He use a much bigger one today.

He's like, ah, this is just [vocalization].

You got to beat the devil out it.

- Yeah.

You got to beat the devil out of it.

I'm very blessed to have a great support system, first to begin with my husband.

My husband is a very gentle, loving person.

And after we lost our child, he's just as devastated as I was.

I'm not only just mentally depressed, but also physically very sick.

I stayed in ICU for like entire week before they released me, and then I had a long physical recovery period.

So he's always there with me, and he's very supportive for me to go seek therapies.

And he's very supportive of me to support parents who lost children, their support groups, and whatever initiative that I wanted to do.

As a couple, after such a tragedy, we have to learn how to respond to each other's like bad times.

I have to admit, I'm definitely much more emotional.

My bad times happen a lot more often and not more dramatic.

And he never look down on me.

He's always very patient.

He gave me the time and space.

Even though this whole time, he has deal with his own emotion because he lost a child too.

So I'm very grateful for my husband.

And besides my husband, my parents, they were here with me, my sister, and also my in-laws.

They also spend the time with us.

They also do things in their own way to help us remember our children.

For example, my in-laws on the first Christmas when we lost Lucas, because my mother-in-law, she has a wall full of family photos.

And I asked her, what does she want for Christmas.

She said, if you feel comfortable, can you give a picture of Lucas?

Because we have a picture of Lucas, and it's a beautiful picture of Lucas.

So I gave her a big picture of Lucas.

The next time when I go visit her, she put a Lucas' picture on this wall with all her other grandchildren.

It's her way of telling me that she remembers Lucas.

Recognize him as one of her four grandkids.

That just means so much to me.

So I'm very blessed that you have all this love around me.

All right.

- It looks really good.

- I think I got the black outline, so I'm ready to put the colors on it now.

- I love the mix of music.

- Oh, I like it.

Nowadays, my greatest passion is to make my kids proud.

I want them to pat my back say, mom, you did all right.

Now I live the life that my children did not get to live on this planet.

So I have even more responsibilities.

My husband and I, the reason we set up a several different types of scholarship both with Minds Matter, a wonderful organization as well as my Alma Matter, University of Wyoming, is also because even though we don't get to raise our kids, we have responsibility to help with other people's kids.

So if there's anything we can do to help with other people's kids, that's our mission.

The more resource we can have and the more you know we can be successful, then we have more resources to help other kids from families that's less fortunate than ours.

And if they could have a thriving life, the world is a much better place, and we're happy.

We learned from our experience, some people and some families, they just do not feel comfortable to even acknowledge a deceased baby, an infant.

They choose not to mention the names.

They pretend nothing really happened.

They pretend that the parents will or everybody just get over it.

And I know from other parents in my supporting group, that's like the most infuriating things to parents who lost babies.

We want the people to acknowledge our babies.

We want the people to acknowledge our experience, our pregnancy experience.

For some of us, we had a birthing experience.

We want the people to acknowledge that.

We need to educate the general public more about, it's not uncomfortable to bring it up.

We want the people to ask us what's your baby's name?

How do you like to remember him or her?

How do you like to celebrate their life?

We want our child, our experience to be remembered.

If you have a traumatic event happening in your life, seek out to help yourself build that support group.

It can come from people who experience similar trauma like you.

If you are a believer, it can come from a faith group, from your church, your pastor, other church goers.

It come from neighbors.

We had a wonderful neighbors.

Our neighbors signed up a food chain, a meal chain.

Every day, they deliver wonderful meals to our home, just left it by the door and let us know that they're thinking of us.

And eventually, the food was so much.

We had to tell them to stop because we obviously did not have a great appetite.

But those are the little things.

I think it meant so much to me.

They helped me with my own post-trauma growth.

How can I pull myself out of that depression and try to do something meaningful?

Going to therapy after I lost Lucas was like a brand new experience for me.

As I said, I never thought about therapy before because I never thought I had any problem.

I can just work through anything.

Helen is known for never giving up.

She can overcome anything.

But of course, losing my child totally shattered my own self-confidence.

My own world.

I don't even know how to face future.

Going to see therapy was brought up to me through a local organization and after talking to other parents from my support group.

So I decided to give it a try.

It was interesting at the beginning because just something I never done before.

It's hard to open up to talk about yourself for an hour, just have somebody there listening.

It was a very new experience.

But later, I have to say it was a very helpful experience.

I went through an intensive therapy for about a year.

I definitely find it was very helpful.

Because sometimes, I didn't realize I had so much emotion bottled up in me, that I need somebody to say very little, just listen.

That is kind of luxury in a way that have somebody who listen to you no matter what you say and with no judgment.

That was a very enlightening experience.

So it was very helpful.

So I encourage anyone who's a struggle, or even if you just think you don't have any problem, you just do not realize yet.

So maybe seeking help-- I think recognize you need help.

That's a good step.

Sometimes men just think, oh, I don't have any problem.

I don't need help.

So it takes some self-awareness to recognize, actually I do.

I need help.

And then actually seeking that help, accept that help.

It's a good step.

- Then I think you can take a step back.

- Okay.

- How do you feel?

What do you think?

Think you're done?

- Yeah.

I mean, I can always touch it, but it has to be down some point.

The sun's going down.

- I'm going to butcher Bob Ross' quote.

But he does have a quote about finding that moment to quit and let it be.

-It's done.

Yeah.

- Looks great.

- Thank you.

I think it looks better from distance.

- That's all acrylic painting.

- I know, right?

Yeah.

Just like the impression is, you have to stand a little further away.

Well, throughout the painting, I was very nervous when I first faced a blank canvas, because you never know how things going to turn out.

And I am a professionalist, so I know I'm not good at a painting.

I was very nervous about how is this going to turn out?

Is it going to even in recognizable shape?

When I was asked what I want to paint, I immediately thought about the butterfly.

The reason being, the theme of this theory is about we are more than our identity, or transformation, whatever.

So I thought about butterfly.

How butterfly start from worm.

Nobody look at ugly worm to thinking someday they're going to become a beautiful butterfly.

I thought life is that kind of process.

And we started as babies and do not know anything.

And then throughout the life, we grow, we transform into something beautiful.

So I like that concept.

And the second reason I wanted butterfly, because for parents who lost their children, we believe the butterflies are like a spiritual representation of our children.

So when we see butterfly, we believe we see our children.

So that's why I want to draw something including butterfly, to honor my children, Lucas and Alley.

And then, I love the sun.

I love the overall color scheme.

It's very hopeful.

It gives me comfort that the butterflies flying towards something bright with a beautiful blue sky, and then there are a lot of red flowers and green grass.

Just very hopeful overall.

The vibe is very hopeful.

And I like that.

So, yeah.

It's a memory of the children I lost.

But at the same time, it's a celebration of life with hope.

So, yeah.

I like it.

Among all the differences I talk about, I wish the people when they interact with me do not immediately put me into any ideological or cultural boxes.

And I wish they would be more patient and want to know more about my life stories.

Don't just judge a book by its color.

Immediately put somebody in a box based on their external identity.

I can change my skin color.

I cannot change my accent.

We just have to accept some of those external differences we have.

But all our blood is red.

We all have families we care for.

We all willing to do anything for our children and our loved ones.

And we have more in common than the differences that we cannot control.