[theme music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [lively music] Parking space.

Parking space.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Mr. Gibbs.

Tinker Dill, Lovejoy associate.

May I say what a tremendous honor it is for me to shake the hand of the finest collector of Bow porcelain in the country.

A Bow ink pot with a central circular well, surrounded by five holes to the shoulder, decorated with summer flowers and dragonflies, painted by James Welsh in, shall we say, 1758?

Not expecting anyone else, are you, Harry?

No.

No.

No, because I'd-- I mean, I'd hate to think that this was turning into a public auction.

No, no, no.

First come, first served here, Lovejoy.

You see, when people speak of collecting Bow, the name Charlie Renton frequently comes up.

And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Unlike you, he has not got the true gift.

Charlie Renton does not collect.

He shops.

- Look-- Now, if you will excuse me, I'm late for an important appointment.

Lovejoy!

7,000 pounds?

That's going to make a bit of a hole in the kitty.

Leaves precisely nothing in the kitty, but not for long.

Wait till Charlie Renton sees me.

He'll be jumping for joy.

[somber music] We were visiting friends.

They had just acquired some mice, and it was in a case at the head of the stairs.

Charles, he rushed to look.

He tripped.

He fell.

Such big stairs, Lovejoy.

I'm sorry, Maria.

You will keep the inkpot for him, won't you?

It'll be such a nice surprise when he wakes up.

Of course I will.

[lively music] ♪ ♪ Dave Goodis.

Just the man we need in these trying times.

You cannot be serious.

Never more so, Tink.

David.

Top of the morning to you, gentlemen.

What can I do for you, Lovejoy?

You still shipping out brown furniture, Dave?

Yes, once a month to Florida.

They love a bit of brown furniture over there.

May have something for you.

Fire away.

Dozen dining chairs, late Victorian.

Couple of mahogany wardrobes, Edwardian.

And there's-- I think there's a couple of, what, '30s oak gate-legged table?

And what else is there?

Oh, yeah.

There's a Victorian occasional table with funny stretches and a couple of Sutherland tables, and also part of a Maple's drawing room suite.

I'd say 4.

3.

And a half.

Oh, fair enough.

Okey dokey.

Love you and leave you.

Ew.

I don't believe it.

Cleaned up, those chairs alone would be worth a grand.

I've told you time and time again, Eric.

Turnover, turnover, turnover.

A bird in the hand is a phone bill paid.

But he didn't even want to see the stuff.

Close your eyes and think of England.

In the meantime, here's to Charlie Renton's speedy recovery.

No, sorry.

That's all I've got.

I've decided to change my life.

Right now, this minute.

Sorry?

And this is the first step, talking to you.

Hi.

Hello.

What's your name?

Eric!

Eric, I'm looking for Lovejoy.

He's over there.

Ah.

Cheers.

Ah.

I called in at the house.

I don't know how you do any business.

You're never there.

Hello, Jane.

Nice to see you.

May I buy you a drink?

No, thanks.

I haven't got the time.

I just wondered whether-- whether I could drop in this evening for a chat about Scotland.

Scotland?

Oh, Lovejoy, don't tell me you've forgotten.

I'll be in all evening and at your disposal.

Thanks.

It'll end in tears.

See you later.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Katriona?

Katriona?

Katriona Brooksby.

I told you about her.

She's one of my oldest friends.

Oh, another one.

Oh, yeah.

I've got it now, yeah.

Mother's stark raving mad, right?

They live in a big house in Scotland.

The mother's, what, Lady Macbeth or Macduff, something like that?

Her mother is Lady Rebecca McNeil of Kilbeg, and she's not raving mad, Lovejoy.

She's a bit dottie.

Well, she was widowed when Katriona was a baby and hasn't been the same since, poor thing.

So what's Katriona's problem?

Well, it's not a big estate, but Katriona has to run it just about single handed.

She's got no brothers or sisters, and Edward, that's her husband, has health problems, and Lady Rebecca is-- A bit dottie.

--proving more difficult, and the overheads are pretty horrendous, and so Katriona's, well-- Skint.

Precisely.

She needs to raise cash to tide her over.

Now, there's a piece of furniture she could sell, but she's very inexperienced in these matters.

She needs expert advice and guidance, and so I thought, if you weren't doing anything this weekend, we could fly up.

Very short notice, Jane.

JANE: It's such a beautiful part of the world.

I'm sure you'd love it.

I'm really very busy.

And, of course, you'd be paid commission on the sale.

On the other hand, I could do with a break.

You never know.

Might be fun.

Let's not get carried away, Jane.

Thanks, Lovejoy.

It's very good of you.

I know.

So what's happening with you?

Well, the boring thing since Alex and I stopped living together as man and wife, so to speak, is a number of male acquaintances who assume I'm desperate to get off with them.

Yeah, men.

Thank god you're not like that, Lovejoy.

[laughs] Oh, dear.

Well, thanks for the tea.

I'll call you tomorrow about the travel arrangements.

Yeah.

Good night, Jane.

Good night.

Of course, I'm not like that.

But if I was, I mean, what would be so funny about it?

[light music] ♪ ♪ You still working on that?

Morning, Lovejoy.

You're not restoring the Sistine Chapel, you know, Eric.

Tink, when Dave Goodis comes around, remember, it's three and a half grand cash, non-negotiable.

D'accord.

Any news about Charlie Renton?

Yeah, I spoke to Maria.

Poor sod's still unconscious.

No chance of any dosh, then.

I'm only being realistic.

I haven't had any wages for two weeks.

I'm down to my last fiver.

That's me too, Lovejoy.

I tried to tell you, I did a couple of trips up to town on your behalf at considerable personal expense.

That's right.

All right, all right.

Don't nag.

I'm going to regret this.

Trouble with me is I'm a soft touch.

I always have been, always will be.

The Lovejoy last ditch emergency slush fund.

1,350 pounds.

And by emergency, I mean emergency, and by Lovejoy, I mean me.

[car horn] Oh, that'll be Janey.

Eric, you'd better stay here while I'm away.

100 for you.

100 for you.

And you, no parties.

And stay away from my booze.

Keep an eye on him, Tink.

And don't buy anything, Eric.

Not even John Lennon's Y-fronts.

Good morning, Janey.

[light music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Missing you already, Lovejoy.

[bird calling] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Isn't this beautiful?

Oh, aye, that it is, Janey.

♪ Over here the cloud's a wonderful sight ♪ I do hope you're going to behave, Lovejoy.

[cattle lowing] There's Kilbeg House.

Well?

Oh, yes.

Very Balmoral.

Apart from the fact that it was built at the turn of the century.

Rebuilt, actually.

Well, the front part, anyway, by a very famous Scottish architect.

Lorimer?

Yes, all right, Clever Dick.

But the old parts of the house predate the flood.

Oh, you know, I adore this place.

I'm so glad you came.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, by the way, don't tell anyone why you're here.

Why?

In fact, it's probably best if you don't mention antiques at all.

Why, Jane?

Lady Jane.

Welcome back to Kilbeg.

It's wonderful to be here, Duncan.

How are you?

Fair, fair.

Duncan, this is my friend, Lovejoy.

Hi.

Where is everybody?

Where's Katriona?

Foraging for your supper.

Lady Rebecca's taking a wee rest Mr. Brooksby's engaged upon his stress-reducing program.

Darling, you're here, Duncan, you'd better get started on these.

I picked the least depressed-looking ones.

Oh, it's good to see you, Katriona.

Oh, this is Lovejoy.

I've heard a great deal about you, Mr. Lovejoy.

Just Lovejoy.

I'll show you to your rooms.

All the PGs are out, so we'll have a good hour to ourselves.

What's-- what's PGs?

Paying guests.

I have to keep telling Duncan off.

He will keep calling the punters.

Lovejoy, I've put you in Hector's room, here.

Jane, I've put you in here, next door.

Hope that's all right.

Of course.

KATRIONA: If you need anything, let me know.

Who's Hector?

[barking] That's Hector.

He's rather elderly.

He won't sleep anywhere else.

No problem.

I hope you don't mind.

[playful music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [dripping] ♪ ♪ That reminds me, what it is about these old Scottish houses, they leak.

I used to stay with Katriona in the school holidays.

We spent hours in here.

This is my bolt hole.

When I get a bit fed up, I just come in here, pour myself a stiff drink.

Rather a frequent state of affairs after the last year, I'm afraid.

This must be an expensive house to run.

Yep.

It's the proverbial black hole into which money disappears.

God knows, I've done all I can to cut back the overheads.

I've even sold the wood, Janey.

They're going to clear it out and replant it with conifers.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

There's no point in getting sentimental.

Times change.

Got to adapt.

Like paying guests?

Yeah.

Some people, God help them, are quite prepared to fork out for the privilege of staying here.

We give them a bit of shooting and a bit of fishing if they want.

The main attraction is getting dressed up and having dinner with Lady Rebecca of Kilbeg, which can be quite a nerve-racking experience, because you never know what my mother's going to say next.

Did Jane tell you about her?

She said something about it.

She can be a bit difficult.

But don't get me wrong, she's completely on the ball about most things, which is part of the problem I want you to help me with, Lovejoy.

Well, if it's my kind of problem, I'd like to help.

There's a piece of furniture.

It's the bureau cabinet.

It's about the only thing of any real value in the whole house.

Sir Torquil McNeil was my great great grandfather.

Had it made in northern Italy during the grand tour of, oh, 17-- 17-something.

I want to sell it, Lovejoy.

The house is falling down about our ears.

I need to raise some money urgently.

Can I see it?

There's a problem.

The bureau cabinet is in my mother's sitting room.

She's turned it into a sort of shrine to my father.

And I-- I just can't face explaining to her that we have to sell it.

So I thought, would it be possible to make a copy, a replica, so she wouldn't know?

That would be possible, wouldn't it?

Yeah, it would be possible.

EDWARD: Katriona.

Don't mention this to Edward.

In here, Teddy darling.

Oh, I thought I heard voices.

KATRIONA: Oh, there you are.

Have you been listening to your relaxation tapes?

Jane's arrived.

This is her friend, Lovejoy.

Jane, how are you?

Hello, Edward.

- Lovejoy, my husband Edward.

- Edward.

How do you do?

Would you like a drink, darling?

Just a very small single malt.

Thank you, dear.

Can't drink blended whiskey anymore.

Irritates the lower bowel, you know.

How are you, Edward?

Well, it's this damn ticker of mine, Jane.

Doctors just can't seem to get to the bottom of it.

They will, darling.

So, Katriona been telling you about our latest money-making scheme?

Oh, lord, no.

I wouldn't bore them with that, darling.

Venison, the meat of the future.

Organically reared, of course.

Of course.

Got to raise some capital first, naturally.

That's where we came unstuck with the salmon farm.

Lack of capital.

Then I got this damn back trouble.

Same thing with the knitwear scheme.

Underfunded.

Next thing I know, blasted blood pressure goes through the roof.

Just couldn't give it all my full attention.

Not your fault, darling.

Oh, well.

Here's to it.

Health.

Wealth.

Happiness.

Mud in your eye.

[light music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Half an hour to go.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ So here we are.

May I introduce?

This is Lady Jane Felsham and Lovejoy.

This is Mr. and Mrs. Kaufmann from Frankfurt.

Hello.

Good afternoon.

Mr and Mrs. Pendleton from Cincinnati.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

And this is Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Somers.

Hi.

Good to see you.

Nice to meet you.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Gerald Somers.

Lovejoy.

Not Lady Felsham from Felsham Hall?

Oh, how marvelous.

I suppose you must have known the McNeils for years.

Yes, I was at school with Katriona.

How lovely.

We visited several times.

We're paying, of course.

What about you, Lovejoy?

Are you a friend of the family too?

Only time will tell.

Which reminds me, when do we get nosebag?

I'm starving.

All right, Duncan.

Action stations.

See, the whole thing is, the doctors are totally bemused by the heartbeat.

See, sometimes it goes, dum-dum, and sometimes it goes, dumpty-dumpty-dumpty-dum.

Do you see?

Totally baffling.

[bagpipes playing] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ No business like show business.

♪ ♪ So this is where they all are.

Mother, this is Lovejoy.

Lady Rebecca.

Where's Duncan?

I want a drink.

He's playing the bagpipes, Mama.

Can't you hear?

What on Earth for?

Well, people like it, Mother.

It evokes an atmosphere.

Your father would be furious.

Please don't start that, Mother.

He reminds me of Malcolm.

Yes.

Shall we all go in to dinner?

I think you've made a hit there, Lovejoy.

You may take me in to dinner.

Who's Malcolm?

Local poacher.

Got no teeth.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ The palpitations are sometimes accompanied by a certain feeling of weightlessness together with this pressure behind the eyes.

Well, it's possible, of course, that the Campbells were Pictish of British stock, assimilated by the colonizing Scots.

Felsham Hall must be wonderful at this time of the year, Lady Jane.

Gerald and I are often in the vicinity.

Yes, it's a lovely part of the world.

I didn't quite catch what it is you do, Lovejoy.

Probably because I didn't say.

It's a very impertinent question.

You were quite right not to answer.

Lady Rebecca-- Not that I'm at all surprised.

The place is filled with people I've never laid eyes on before.

Poking about, trooping in and out of all the rooms.

It's like Piccadilly circus.

KATRIONA: Mother.

Duncan, my glass is empty.

Calm yourself, woman, or there will be no more of this for you.

Slainte mhor!

Thank you.

Gerald.

It's one of Edward's money-making wheezes.

Good.

Duncan.

Mr. and Mrs. Kaufmann.

Yes.

She's a trooper, your mum.

Hi.

Did you do it, then?

Do what?

Change your life.

No.

I postponed it till tomorrow.

Drink pints, do you?

No.

No, I'm drinking this for someone else.

Can I get you another one?

All right.

Let's go outside, though.

Get away from those two.

Good idea.

Who are they?

My dad and my brother.

Nice family.

Come on.

Don't be shy.

Cheers.

So what's your name, then?

Sandra.

ERIC: That's a nice name.

No, it's not.

My name's Eric.

- That's a nice name.

- No, it's not.

[laughs] [music playing] What do you think?

It's my theme tune.

Christ, what have you got in here?

My dad knocked down this barn, and the farmer said he could keep most of the junk that was in it.

♪ ♪ What are you going to do with it, then?

I don't know.

Flog it to Dave Goodis from Halesworth, I suppose.

Dave Goodis?

I'll give you a better price than Dave Goodis.

- You?

- Yeah.

I'm in the antique business.

Mm-hmm?

Look.

Lovejoy and Associates.

I'm an associate.

So you tell your dad I'll take the lot off his hands.

Shh.

I love this bit.

Oi!

What's he doing in here?

Mind your own business.

Out!

What?

Get off me, Horse!

Get back in the van, then!

ERIC: Leave her alone!

You what?

Uh, I just said, I think you ought to leave her alone.

[engine starts] Bureau cabinet, walnut, 18th century.

But it's not Italian.

It's Dutch.

What?

Dutch.

Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

KATRIONA: What are you doing?

Well, the first machine-made screws were produced in 1851, and sometimes you can tell-- I don't want to go to bed because I'm not tired.

I was just giving Lovejoy a guided tour.

I thought you'd gone to bed.

I hardly sleep at all these days.

I lie awake, staring into the darkness.

One might as well be dead.

No, sit down.

I'll get you a drop of whiskey.

Do this, do that.

What a dreadful man you are, always ordering me around.

Don't stay up too late.

I hope you found my sitting room of interest, Mr. Lovejoy.

I found it fascinating, Lady Rebecca.

Good night.

Before I say any more, I'd like to have a good look at it in daylight.

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Absolutely.

Good night, Katriona.

Good night, Lovejoy.

Oh, Lovejoy.

LOVEJOY: Hmm?

Do you know, I haven't seen Jane look so happy for years.

It's marvelous.

[playful music] [knock] Come in.

Lovejoy, you are clever.

That's my favorite fantasy.

What is it?

Well, it's past midnight up at the big house.

Nothing stirs.

But hark, what's that?

Footsteps in the west wing getting closer.

The door handle turns and a shadowy figure crosses the threshold.

Why, sir?

What can this mean?

I'm sorry, madam.

I must have the wrong room.

I wonder if Katriona has an old chauffeur's uniform you could borrow.

[chuckles] That's very, very, very amusing, Jane.

Oh, come on, what's up?

You've got your serious look on.

I don't-- don't think I can help Katriona sell her bureau cabinet.

Oh, Lovejoy, why not?

It's a total no-no, Janey.

It is not the real thing.

It's absolutely bogus, despite the handmade screw.

Oh, poor Katriona.

What did she say?

I didn't tell her.

I thought I'd speak to you first.

My god.

All these years, that bloody piece of furniture sits there, and now it turns out to be no good.

Well, not that long, actually.

Two or three years at the most.

Well, wait a minute.

That means-- Somebody beat Katriona to it.

Well, what are we going to do?

Sleep on it.

By the way, Katriona doesn't think that you and me are an item, does she?

No, why?

Well, it's just something she said.

It's quite embarrassing, actually.

Well, I can assure you, she doesn't.

Well, that's fine, isn't it?

Good night.

Quite embarrassing?

Bloody cheek.

[yawns] [barking] Good night, Hector.

They used to apply a special oil varnish to walnut.

It was a great base for the wax polish.

As a result, you get this beautiful, mellow patina.

Or, as in this case, you-- you wouldn't get it.

It's almost impossible to fake.

It's not a bad effort, though.

I suppose you haven't given this a second look in years, though, have you, Katriona?

- No.

I don't suppose I gave it a first look.

It's-- furniture is just not my thing, Lovejoy.

How much would the original have been worth?

Let's see.

60,000, 70,000 pounds.

Oh, god.

Was it insured, Katriona?

No.

What would I tell them?

A valuable piece of furniture belonging to my mother was stolen three years ago, and nobody noticed?

I want to find out how this has happened.

Will you help me, Lovejoy?

But the frame's carved, Tinker, not molded.

And the mirror's got that sort of hazy look that Lovejoy was always going on about.

And I had a quick look at the back, and it didn't appear to have any red oxide, and red oxide was only used in the last century.

Eric, I did know that.

Now, let's recap.

The two of you repaired to said operative's pantechnicon, in the back of which, surrounded by a welter of rural detritus-- Farmyard crap, yeah.

You espied what you took to be a mirror.

A 17th century Florentine Casetta worth 5,000 pounds.

Right.

So, containing your excitement, you made a very sensible offer.

Sufficient to tempt, yet not enough to arouse suspicion.

Well, not quite.

Because Horse, that's her brother, dragged me from the van.

Then Sandra tried to get out of the van, and then he shoved her back in, and then the old bloke just drove off.

Sheer brilliance.

It's got everything, Eric.

Sex, violence, and ancient lawnmowers.

I know.

Isn't the antique business wonderful?

Anyway, I thought we should track them down and make them an offer.

No.

No, no, no.

I am far too old to do business with anybody called Horse!

[phone rings] Lovejoy?

Oh, the voice of sanity.

Lovejoy, how are things in the highlands?

Full of surprises, Tink.

How's Charlie Renton?

No, he's unconscious, I'm afraid.

LOVEJOY (ON PHONE): Dave Goodis turn up yet?

No, not yet.

There's not very much good news from here yet.

Tink, if you wanted a brand new 18th century walnut bureau cabinet, Dutch, where would you find it?

Miller, Jessop?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking an accurate copy of an actual piece.

Oh, wait a minute, Dutch.

There's that lovely cabinet maker, Archie-- Archie Letts.

That's the one.

Find out where he's working.

That's all a bit suspicious, Lovejoy.

What are you up to?

I've not been up to anything, unfortunately.

I shall be back tomorrow.

I'll see you then.

No, no, hang on a minute.

There's an itinerant house clearance operative manque who would like a word with you.

Hi, Lovejoy.

The most amazing thing-- Eric, where were you last night?

I tried to ring you.

In the pub.

But, look, I found this mirror.

- Eric!

ERIC (ON PHONE): I'm in with a chance.

Eric, stop gibbering.

When I ask you to stay in the house, I mean, stay in it.

Don't go out all night boozing.

I shall see you tomorrow.

ERIC (ON PHONE): No, Lovejoy!

Lovejoy, listen!

[sighs] Dr. Livingstone, I presume?

I was looking for Katriona and Jane.

Must have got lost.

EDWARD: I think they've gone for a walk.

This could do with a lick of paint, couldn't it?

Well, that would hardly be appropriate.

This part of the house dates back to the 13th century.

Oh, made a study of it, have you?

Well, it's said that Robert the Bruce hid in this very room while fleeing the English in 1306.

Most intelligent people would find that of interest, I think.

If he'd had my room, he might have considered giving himself up.

Toodle-oo.

You reckon they've gone for a walk?

Yes.

Cheers.

[mysterious music] ♪ ♪ Hello?

♪ ♪ What a lovely dog.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, if I told Edward about the bureau cabinet, he'd have palpitations for three months.

Oh, husbands.

Sometimes wonder if they're worth all the bother.

Oh, dear.

I'm so sorry, Jane.

I keep forgetting you haven't got one any longer.

Oh, that's all right.

Even when I had one, I kept forgetting too.

Oh, Lovejoy, you found us.

Oh, Lovejoy.

What do you think of the pigsty?

Greek revival, 18th century.

Right, Janey?

Right, Lovejoy.

Some of the best examples were built in the spa towns, like Cheltenham.

The Regency period, but this is-- this is earlier.

What, 1790, 1780?

Not bad.

Torquil McNeil had it built in 1786.

He was the one who commissioned the bureau cabinet.

He came back from his grand tour, he bought some pigs, absolutely fell in love with them.

Lady Mary, his wife, stopped speaking to him as a result.

Now, family legend has it he spent a fortune on the pigsty just to annoy her.

Difficult to see where the money went, that's all what I can say.

Not bad for the average pig dwelling, though, is it?

Yeah.

Come on.

I suppose the forestry company will pull it down.

Oh, no.

That's awful.

To tell you the truth, I've never much cared for the place.

It always gave me the creeps.

Well, I've got the key, so you can have a last look.

It doesn't work.

Maybe it's rusty.

It won't work because somebody changed the lock.

Why would anyone want to do that?

Oh.

Misspent adulthood.

Who knows what lies behind this door?

Spooky.

Oh, shut up, Lovejoy, and get on with it.

There you go.

[creaking] [soft music] Bit of a letdown, really, isn't it?

I wouldn't have expected wooden paneling.

Look at this.

You've had visitors.

How very peculiar.

Well, maybe it's men working in the wood.

Scotch, glasses, flowers, and a folding bed?

Looks like a lovers' meeting place to me.

It's a bloody cheek changing the lock.

Hello?

Hello, Robert.

We think someone's been up to no good in the pigsty.

Oh, aye?

KATRIONA: Oh, you haven't met Jane Felsham.

ROBERT: Lady Jane?

I've always wanted to meet you.

JANE: How do you do?

ROBERT: And now I have.

[laughs] Lovejoy, this is Robert Fraser.

Pleased to meet you, Lovejoy.

Robert.

Robert's the man who's bought the wood.

That's right.

If you can't see the wood for the trees, I'm your man.

[laughs] Robert, you must come for dinner tonight.

Yes, you must.

Well, if Lady Jane says I must, then indeed I must.

[laughs] [soft music] ♪ ♪ Kiss me, darling.

[sweeping romantic music] She says you'll buy this stuff I've got in the back.

Ah, well, the thing is-- Eric, you said-- Well, I'd need to see it again.

I want a grand.

A grand?

I told you.

He's a sodding time waster.

No, he's not.

Are you?

All right, a grand.

Wait here.

Lovejoy's last ditch emergency slush fund.

Oh, Lovejoy, you'd understand if you were here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Careful.

Pleasure doing business with you.

It's all there, trust me.

You don't mind if I stay, do you?

So here we are, then.

Two beers and 15 cold fish fingers.

Cheers.

You think of everything, Eric.

Well, hospitality is my thing.

I've made a study of it.

Do you know that the smallest, most trivial thing can change your life?

That's what you said in the pub.

You were changing your life.

It's my thing.

I've made a study of it.

Except I haven't done it yet.

Unless I'm doing it now.

Being here, talking to you.

Come on, Sandra, your life can't be that bad.

[soft music] I hate my life, Eric.

And why do you hate your life, Sandra?

I'll tell you when I know you better.

When will that be?

♪ ♪ Quite soon.

[mischievous music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [bagpipes playing] ♪ ♪ There's a saying in these parts.

When a man in a skirt starts strangling the cat, dinner is served.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Good evening, Edward.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

Just feeling a little bit giddy.

I'll be all right soon.

Just popping up to take my blood pressure.

Anything I can do?

No, no.

No, too kind, but you go on down.

Of course, one of the guests could have spotted the bureau cabinet whilst they were having a jolly good old snoop around the house.

Must have required planning, but some of them come back here two or three times a year.

What do you think, Lovejoy?

Well, the first thing I want to do is track down the cabinet maker who made the copy.

Well, mark my words, venison farming, that's the future around here.

It's a unique investment opportunity.

Then maybe I can find out who commissioned it.

So what do you think I said to that?

I have no idea.

Do tell me.

We could check the name on our records.

I said to him, those aren't trees.

Those are tomorrow's newspapers.

[laughter] I don't think it's going to be as simple as that.

Talk, talk, talk.

What does it all signify?

Absolutely nothing.

Duncan, I want some more wine.

Quite right, Lady R. All this hot air makes you thirsty.

You have summed it up admirably, Malcolm.

Lovejoy.

Lovejoy, would you care to stand on the end?

Thank you.

Let me show you something upstairs.

And now one of the beauteous Lady Jane and myself, Edward, for the sake of posterity.

Why not?

[beeping] That's odd.

I seem to be out of film.

If you can't see the wood for the trees, I'm your man.

[laughs] Oh, shut up, Lovejoy.

Not while I'm wearing my kilt, I won't.

All right, he's not a great wit, but I don't care.

I was having a very nice time until you dragged me away.

There were some Polaroids in the pigsty, and one was of the original bureau cabinet.

So I brought them back here, including one of the redhead.

Redhead?

What redhead?

My jacket was in the wardrobe, and the Polaroids were in the pocket.

The ones from the pigsty are gone.

Unless they're-- I took these with Edward's camera.

I saw Edward coming up here before dinner.

[barking] What's Edward got to do with anything?

Shut up!

I'll tell you what Edward's got to do with it.

Look out!

Oh, Lovejoy.

Lovejoy!

Lovejoy!

Are you all right?

Oh my god.

Oh.

Janey, your pal Fraser, the Oscar Wilde of the timber business, is he your idea of a good time?

Why do you want to know that?

Just curious.

I'd like to know what turns you on.

The truth?

Of course.

You may not like it.

Try me.

Well, the kind of man who turns me on-- Hello, hello.

What have we got here?

You are the most exasperating-- Janey, Janey, you know that an old portfolio always makes the hairs on the back of my head stand up.

I'm glad something's in working order.

Now, what have we here?

[mysterious music] ♪ ♪ You've got that look on your face.

These are working drawings, Jane.

Look at the grid.

Black and white chalk.

Occasional flash of pencil.

Wait a minute.

Yeah, I know what this is.

This is-- this is Cleopatra's banquet.

See there?

She's just about to dissolve her largest pearl in a glass of wine, which she will drink to pledge her love for Antony.

Look at the way that hand is drawn holding the pearl.

What's happened here?

The drawing just ends with that slave chopped in the middle.

Oh, they would have continued on another sheet, which is obviously missing, but it's baroque.

This is obviously Italian.

Oh, look.

The pigsty.

It's signed TF and dated 1788.

There's something written on the back, in Italian.

LOVEJOY: In Italian?

Yeah, it's a letter.

I don't know if my menu Italian is up to this.

My dear sister.

Something, something.

The skies are opening, pouring forth something.

I think he's moaning about the weather.

What, in Scotland?

Surely not.

Lovejoy, are these valuable?

You're asking me, yeah.

I was just thinking, this could be the answer to Katriona's problems.

Listen.

What?

I don't hear anything.

Exactly.

Hector.

Oh my god.

Oh, you don't think he's-- Do you?

What will I tell Katriona?

[barking] Thank you, Katriona.

It was great.

I'll have someone look at the drawings as soon as I get to London.

You won't forget about that other little matter, Lovejoy?

I'll see what I can do.

Here's Robert.

Come on, Jane.

Time to go.

Are you away?

No, Lovejoy is.

I'm just taking him to the airport.

Excellent.

You'll not forget, I promised you a tour of the woods, Lady Jane.

- Oh, super.

I can't wait.

[honks horn] All right, all right.

Hello.

Edward?

You think Edward stole the bureau cabinet?

What an extraordinary suggestion.

He spent what little money Katriona had left on his ridiculous salmon and deer farming ventures.

He had some bad luck.

And don't forget his health problems.

Health problems?

What, have you seen him eat?

Have you seen him drink?

I wish I had his health problems.

I see.

Suddenly you're a medical expert.

And then there's the redhead and the missing Polaroids.

Oh, yes.

Edward's mysterious girlfriend.

I don't know what's got into you, Lovejoy.

OK, OK. Just remember what I said about family heirlooms, selling them off.

Always brings out the worst in people.

Oh, and, Janey, while I'm away, would you have a good look around for the other parts of those drawings?

[ticking] Sandra?

Sandra?

Sandra?

Morning, Tinker.

Either we were visited during the night by a particularly untalented modernist sculptor, or you shelled out good money for this junk.

Well, it was only a tenner.

I was after the lawnmower.

Very collectible now.

If it wasn't for the fact that I gave up worrying years ago, I'd worry about you, Eric.

Lovejoy returns today.

You'd better find somewhere to hide this.

I doubt he shares your enthusiasm for rustic implements.

Today?

Lovejoy comes back today?

Oh!

Time stands still at Lovejoy and Associates.

Nothing has stirred since I departed.

Yes, it has.

Tinker, you've changed your shirt.

And, Eric, I do believe you finished that table.

We have been a hive of activity, haven't we, Eric?

What?

Eric, are you all right?

You look decidedly peaky.

Me?

I'm all right.

How was Scotland?

Oh, thank you for asking, Tinker.

Scotland, well, the countryside was beautiful.

And the natives, with one or two exceptions, were very, very charming.

My bedroom was so damp, salmon were starting to spawn in it, and my hostess's 17th century Italian bureau cabinet turned out to be about as Italian as Eric and a little younger.

Throw in an invalid husband, a dottie mother, and a mystery woman who haunts the glens and you've got the flavor of it.

What dull dogs we are by comparison, hey, Eric?

Oh, yeah.

Dull.

But I did manage to come across these, Tink.

Cleopatra.

The very same.

Am I right in saying these are really rather good?

You are.

Incomplete.

Well, they're just working drawings, aren't they?

Yeah, an assistant would transfer them onto canvas.

There's no signs of the-- Paintings?

No.

This is a neoclassical folly that's in the grounds.

There's the loch.

There's the mountain.

An Italian letter.

There were a lot of Italian craftsmen in Scotland in the 18th century.

Even now, you can wander into the most nondescript Laird's house and discover a magnificent Italianate ceiling.

Wander into Kilbeg House and you'll trip over a bucket that's been put there to catch the drips.

You eat dinner off the remnants of half a dozen dinner services, the hallmarks have worn off all the silver, and the glassware has got more chips in it than a fish supper.

As for paintings, what is it?

Oh, yeah, there's a couple of murky daubs of blood-thirsty ancestors, the most interesting of whom was so in love with his pigs, he built this folly for them.

Not exactly a treasure house of the Italian Renaissance.

Not exactly.

Talking of wandering craftsmen, Lovejoy, I think I've found out where Archie Letts the cabinetmaker is.

He retired to Theydon Bois it seems.

Yeah, go and see him, will you, Tink?

And show him these and see if they ring a bell.

I'm going to get a second opinion on these.

I hate to mention it, Lovejoy, but I can't see Archie Letts giving me time of day without the prospect of some remuneration.

Well, Eric, looks like we're going to have to get you a job.

Who do you think you're taking the pictures to?

Lovejoy.

Adrian Deschelles.

Rather you than me.

Lovejoy.

Yeah, I know he's a complete slimeball, Tink, but he does know his stuff.

Yes, Eric, what is it?

Well, there's something I'd like to tell you.

Well, spit it out, Eric.

Uh-- Uh.

What is wrong with you, Eric?

Well, I met this girl.

Oh, Tink.

Eric's met a girl.

Don't do that!

What I mean is, there was something about her.

Eric, I do not wish to hear about your sex life.

It's Dave Goodis.

Oh, cash!

At last!

You're not well, are you?

It's a pleasure doing business with you, David.

Oh, likewise, Lovejoy.

Likewise.

Dave, could I have a word?

Yes.

What's on your mind, Eric?

Billy Wilson was in the pub with you the other night.

Scruffy bloke.

Says he sells you a piece now and then.

Oh, Billy Wilson.

Oh, I wouldn't take anything off him.

Not for a gift.

You wouldn't happen to know where he lives, by any chance, would you?

- Pennington Way, I think.

But I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

He's a bad man.

Adrian Deschelles is a thief, a cheat, and a liar.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd like to throw him.

But he does have one priceless asset.

Uncontrollable body language, in particular, a nervous twitching of the head whilst fiddling with the tie knots.

That means the bastard's seen something he likes.

TF is almost certainly Tulio Fattori.

Born in Venice, 1740-something.

Went to Madrid as an assistant to Tiepolo, 1762.

Hence the Antony and Cleopatra theme.

One of Tiepolo's favorites, as I recall, right, Adrian?

Fattori would have been no more than a child, of course.

Probably ran errands for Tiepolo's sons, Domenico and-- Lorenzo.

Tiepolo died in 1770.

Fattori, never more than a hack at his best, wandered around Europe, getting work where he could.

Ended up in England.

Did an altarpiece here, a ceiling there.

Died in obscurity, not to mention poverty.

So what do you reckon, Adrian?

The only real interest lies in the Tiepolo connection, which is tenuous to say the least.

What we have here is a clumsy pastiche of the worst excesses of the Baroque era, added to which, these large drawings are incomplete.

No, they're-- they're really of no interest to me whatsoever, Lovejoy.

As you say, Adrian.

However, there is a certain curiosity value, so I may be prepared to go to 7.

7?

And a half.

And a half?

Deschelles here.

I've got some rather interesting news about our friend, Tulio Fattori.

All right, let's have it.

[lively music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Tinker.

Long time no see.

Archie.

Come out the back.

I'll open the bar.

I thought you'd never ask.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is one of mine.

A copy of a Dutch piece.

Oh, lovely bit of walnut.

Flew me up to Scotland, he did.

Five star hotel.

All the trimmings.

Who did?

[non-english speech] [knocks] Hello, Maria.

Archie Letts was hired by a dealer named Molyneaux, who, according to Archie, he was taken-- [non-english speech] Maria.

Would you do me-- well, it's a-- it's a little favor.

Would you translate this for me?

It's such old handwriting, Lovejoy.

Very difficult.

Let me see.

"My dear sister, for the third day running, the skies have opened to pour forth yet more freezing rain, and now I find that my noble patron, an-- an imbecile and a madman, has brought me here under false pretenses.

I am not to work on the public rooms of his vile mansion.

I am to embellish the squalid and ludicrous dwelling, which my noble patron has constructed for his beloved swine."

Frescoes, that's what these drawings were for, not paintings.

Poor old Tulio Fattori.

No wonder he was cheesed off, Tink.

Apprentice to the great Tiepolo, forced to go to Scotland to decorate a pigsty.

Who'd be a painter?

Yeah, who indeed?

Where do we find this bloke Molyneaux?

Islington.

No, it has to be English.

Look at the doweling and the dovetail.

Surely the feet aren't right.

Maybe it's a marriage.

An unhappy one.

Can I help you gentlemen?

Perhaps you can.

We're looking for Mr. Molyneaux.

- I'm he.

- Excellent.

I'm Lovejoy.

Excellent.

I'm Dill.

You sold the piece for a friend of ours, arranged for a copy to be made, late 18th century Dutch bureau cabinet.

Mr. Dill.

Oh, no.

It's about the drawings, isn't it?

I knew this would happen.

You'd better come downstairs.

I brought the bureau cabinet down from Scotland, but the buyer I'd lined up dropped out.

Well, I'd had a terrible year.

The bank was breathing down my neck, so I contacted another customer of mine, Gerald Somers.

Reluctantly, I hasten to add, but I was desperate, and I knew he'd jump at the bureau cabinet.

Anyhow, he came around to the shop to give it the once over.

You told him where the cabinet came from?

Well, yes.

There seemed no reason not to.

Not at that point.

So Somers came to give it the once over.

Yes, and I was right.

He loved it.

Oh, he moaned about the patina and the wear and tear, but he was all over it, licking his lips.

That's when he found the drawings jammed down the back, behind the drawers.

Got him so excited he practically had a heart attack.

Describe the drawings.

Oh, scenes of antiquity, that sort of thing.

Somers said something about Antony and Cleopatra.

They were incomplete, I think.

Look, I told Somers the drawings ought to go back to Kilbeg House.

I put my foot down.

Not hard enough.

Right.

Right.

I've-- I've done a few deals with Somers in the past that weren't quite cricket.

You see what I'm driving at?

He told me if I made a fuss about the drawings, he'd drop me in it with the police, for God's sake.

And he meant it.

You never saw any drawings, he said, and he took them away with the bureau cabinet.

What else could I have done?

Answer me that.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Molyneaux.

You've been a great help.

You won't tell Somers I've talked to you, for God's sake?

I don't want to go to prison.

Who were you acting for when you sold Somers the cabinet?

You said the owner was a friend of yours.

Did I?

Just exactly who the hell are you, for God's sake?

Thank you for your help.

You didn't get any help from me.

I didn't tell you a thing.

[playful music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [lively music] ♪ ♪ Excuse me, please.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh!

Thank God you're here!

♪ ♪ You've got to help me get away from them.

HORSE: Sandra!

Look, look, meet me at the pub half 7:00, OK?

You've got to be there.

- Yeah.

Good.

Where's my tea?

[phone rings] Hello?

Oh, Lovejoy.

Duncan asked me to call you.

Janey, don't worry about the drawings.

JANE (ON PHONE): No luck yet, I'm afraid.

Katriona and I spent hours in the attic.

I just said, don't worry about them.

I know where they are.

At least, I know who's got them.

By the way, is Gerald Somers still staying there?

No, all the PGs left today.

Why?

Doesn't matter.

I'll tell you when I see you.

I'm coming up tomorrow.

Oh, but you must listen to this, Janey.

Tulio Fattori was an Italian who specialized in fresco.

I've got to go, Lovejoy.

Robert's waiting to take me out to dinner.

Tell me all about it tomorrow.

Yeah.

Tomorrow.

OK.

The mirror.

I got it back for you, Eric.

Are you glad?

Who's that, then?

Horse's brother.

I used to go out with him.

He's a mate.

But Horse is your brother.

No.

No, he's not.

He's my boyfriend.

No, he was my boyfriend.

He's not now.

Look, I thought that if I told you-- I thought if I told you, I'd put you off.

You mean I wouldn't invite you back and you wouldn't be able to swap the mirrors?

Look, I didn't want to do it!

Billy and Horse made me.

ERIC: And who's Billy?

Your mother, I suppose?

No, he's my dad.

Really.

Well, I don't know what to believe anymore, Sandra.

Look, Eric, I've been trying to get away from them for years, and I've done it.

I've changed my life.

You got your bloody mirror back.

Do you want me back as well or not?

Look, I think you're an extraordinary, interesting person.

In fact, that's the understatement of the year.

You're a social worker's nightmare.

Look, I'm an associate!

I've got a career!

OK, Eric, I get the message.

No, look, Sandra, I hadn't finished.

Look, listen!

SANDRA: See you in another life, Eric.

No, listen, Sandra, listen!

No, listen!

Listen to me, Sandra!

No, stop!

Good morning, Tinker.

Morning.

Where's your luggage?

Fair enough.

ERIC: Have a nice time!

Ah, Eric.

While I'm away-- I know.

Don't buy anything.

Don't sell anything.

Don't breathe.

He's got it.

You got it, Eric.

[harmonica playing] ♪ ♪ Yeah, Eric Catchpole, Lovejoy Associates.

Look, I've got a piece you might be interested in.

♪ ♪ Gerald Somers hasn't gone from the area.

He's moved into the local hotel.

Rob and I went there for a drink last night and bumped into him.

Well, that sounds fun.

Tink, I think we'll book you into the local hotel.

Well, I hope they've got a license.

Tink, it's not my fault if there's no duty-free booze on a flight to Scotland.

Well, they should have.

I mean, God knows, it's a foreign country.

♪ ♪ If you'd be so kind as to sign the register.

It's just the single you're wanting, is it?

That's correct.

Oh, look, darling.

Gerald Somers is staying here.

- Oh, that's nice.

- No, not you, darling.

He's an old friend.

How long is he staying?

Mr. Somers?

He's booked with us until Monday.

Super.

Yes.

It's a 17th century Florentine Casetta, and it's in very good-- no, Lovejoy's in Scotland at the moment.

I'm Eric Catchpole.

I'm an associate.

No, Lovejoy hasn't seen the mirror himself, but I can assure you that it's in-- well, thank you and goodbye.

[knock] Sandra.

Hi.

Hello, Eric.

You shouldn't have run off like that last night.

I know, Eric, but I just walked out on my dad and my boyfriend.

I was in a state of emotional turmoil.

Well, so was I.

One minute I had a 17th century looking glass, the next I had something you get free with four gallons of unleaded.

Don't start.

It was you who conned my dad in the first place.

OK, let's call it quits.

Quits it is.

I missed you.

Oh, did you really?

Oh, Eric!

That's wonderful.

What the bloody hell do they want?

Get down.

What are you doing, Sandra?

Bastard Horse!

I didn't think he'd do it.

- Do what?

He threatened to tell the police about the mirror if I left.

Tell the police what?

The mirror's stolen.

But it isn't, so what's the problem?

Of course it is.

How else do you think my dad would get hold of something like that?

Oh, great.

[radio chatter] Follow me out the back.

[playful music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Gerald Somers must have stayed here half a dozen times in the last six months.

I must admit, it puzzled me.

He didn't seem the drafty house with a leaking roof type.

He was looking for something.

Fortunately for us, he was looking in all the wrong places.

Listen, I have no wish to detract from the excitement, Lovejoy, but what if you're wrong?

What if Fattori failed to fulfill his commission?

His letter certainly expressed a disinclination to embellish a pigsty, however grand.

Tink, the first time I went into that pigsty, I got the whole buzz.

I mean, the back of the neck, the soles of the feet, the palms of the hands.

I knew something was in there.

I just couldn't figure out what.

What?

What is it?

I don't know.

It's-- - Shh!

- --this place.

Shh!

Don't move.

The redhead.

Tink, look.

I can't see anything.

[mysterious music] ♪ ♪ [gasps] [mysterious music] Oh.

♪ ♪ Look at that.

Beautiful.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Antony stepping down from his barge on the Nile.

It's Lady Mary who had this covered up.

She hated this place and she hated the pigs.

What happened to the pigs?

KATRIONA: She ate them.

[laughs] Oh, God.

I've just sold the wood to Robert Fraser.

Well, I mean, explain the situation to him.

Tell him that the pigsty has family connections.

There's no need to mention the frescoes.

I'm sure you'll be able to come to some agreement.

Robert had to go to Glasgow.

He won't be back until tomorrow.

Yes.

It will have to wait until then.

In the meantime, let's keep this under wraps.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I'm surprised Fraser didn't ask you to go to Glasgow with him.

As a matter of fact, he did.

Why didn't you?

I'm beginning to wonder.

Have you seen Edward?

No.

Why?

I thought it was about time I told him about the bureau cabinet and the drawings and the whole business.

He took it incredibly badly.

He went red and then he went white.

Then he started hyperventilating.

Edward, I said, go and lie down.

I haven't seen him since.

I'm terribly worried, Jane.

I saw the gentleman about half an hour ago running for the wood.

I think I know where he is, Katriona.

Stay here with Jane.

Don't worry about him.

He'll be all right.

Come on, Tink.

Edward must have needed to make money fast.

Maybe the girlfriend was threatening to make trouble for him.

Anyway, he spends what little money Katriona has left on his business ventures, so he has to sell the bureau cabinet.

Meanwhile, she, ever adoring Katriona, waits on him hand and foot, suspecting nothing.

We live in a cruel world, Lovejoy.

Lovejoy.

Hello, Edward.

This is the man I was telling you about, Margaret.

I know.

I've seen him in the woods.

I've seen you too.

Well, almost.

You keep disappearing.

Perhaps you weren't looking hard enough.

Maybe not.

It's a good trick, though.

Maybe I should learn it.

Oh, it's nothing you can learn.

You have to be born with it.

You're going to have to tell Katriona, Edward.

Tell her what, Lovejoy?

About how he sold the bureau cabinet.

I sold the bureau cabinet, Lovejoy.

On Lady Rebecca's instructions.

It was, after all, hers to sell.

This is my daughter, Margaret.

Mr. Brooksby here, his talent for losing money was such that Lady Rebecca and I feared there'd be nothing left in the estate to provide for Margaret.

But why would Lady Rebecca want to provide for your daughter, Duncan?

Because, Lovejoy, she's our daughter.

I-- I think I'll go and get a breath of fresh air.

Lady Rebecca and I were worried, you see, that if the secret came out, it would be impossible for us to live under the same roof, and that would have been unbearable for both of us.

Well, I suppose it's time to break the news to Katriona.

Excuse me.

Edward, I-- I owe you an apology.

Well, actually, you don't.

You know, the joke is I was going to sell that bureau cabinet.

So I had it valued and made the same discovery you had.

Lady Rebecca had beaten me to it.

Duncan found out what I was up to and swore me to secrecy.

It's quite a relief, really.

It's not quite my style, that sort of stunt.

No, it's not.

Oh.

Bad?

It's like a sort of avant garde percussion solo.

Oh, well.

Might as well face the music, I suppose.

So I can't be right every time.

Goodbye, Lovejoy.

Margaret, can I ask-- TINK: Lovejoy!

Tink.

All right.

I wish she'd stop doing that.

Come look at this, this trench.

It wasn't here this morning.

No, it certainly wasn't.

Well, looks like we need someone to stay on the spot, keep an eye on things.

Yeah.

Oh, no, Lovejoy.

No.

[knock] Yeah, come in.

I saw the light under your door.

How's Katriona?

Not bad, I suppose, considering the news.

Poor Edward came in for a bit of a tongue lashing.

Yeah, I'll bet.

You see, Margaret was adopted.

As soon as she was old enough, she decided to track down her real parents, pitched up on the doorstep one day and gave Duncan a real turn.

He thought Katriona would kick him out if she knew, hence the clandestine meetings in the pigsty.

Which reminds me, have you rung Fraser?

I tried his hotel, yes, but he wasn't in.

Out at this time?

The man's an animal.

Lovejoy, you've got to stop this.

Every time a man comes along who-- who shows any interest in me, you-- you make it impossible.

Well, that's good coming from you.

You're as bad.

Me?

Well, that's ridiculous.

The woman I took out a couple of weeks ago, the Chelsea figure.

- She was frightful.

- You see.

Well, she was.

Yeah.

Yeah, she was.

You're right.

And you're right about Fraser.

He's frightful too.

Boring, conceited, pompous.

That's what's so irritating.

What?

- The fact that you're right.

- Yeah, well.

It's ridiculous.

I mean, we've got to do something about it, Janey.

Well, what do you suggest?

Lovejoy.

[barking] A little-- a little more gently this time.

[barking] Bloody animal.

I'll kill it.

We could always go to my room.

Could we?

Give me a couple of minutes.

Lovejoy, is this sensible?

Oh, no.

Oh, good.

Wee, slicked, cowering, timorous beastie.

[mysterious music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [romantic music] ♪ ♪ You haven't fallen asleep, have you?

Hmm?

Shh.

That's not very flattering, Lovejoy.

I thought you were going to clean your teeth, not go to the dentist.

Well move over.

I usually sleep on that side.

Who said anything about sleeping, sweetheart?

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ What's wrong?

You-- you smell different.

I put some moisturizer on.

What's wrong?

Don't you like it?

No, no, it's fine.

It's just different.

Well, I can't go around drenched in Eau de Givenchy all the time.

If you like, I'll go and wash it off.

No, no, don't-- don't move.

Took us half an hour to get this far.

Don't start again.

♪ ♪ What?

Shh!

♪ ♪ I thought I heard-- no, no, no, no, no.

It can't be.

♪ ♪ Lovejoy, is this some sort of oriental technique?

There it is again.

I mean, I hope it isn't, but there's something horribly familiar about that sound.

[whirring] [mysterious music] ♪ ♪ Eric.

Lovejoy.

Oh.

So we got on the bike and came up here.

The last ditch emergency slush fund, Eric.

Sorry, Lovejoy.

Oh, come on, don't get heavy on him, Lovejoy.

He was brilliant with my dad and Horse, and he got us away from the cops.

Meeting Eric has changed my life.

Yeah, well, you're right about one thing, Eric.

The mirror, it's very good.

Where did you say your father acquired this?

Havering Manor.

LOVEJOY: Yeah, well, you know, it's got to go back there, don't you?

Yeah, right.

Whatever you say, Lovejoy.

[eerie music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Robert, how could you know?

Now, Katriona, be fair.

I asked you about the pigsty, and you said you didn't care what happened to it.

If I'd had the slightest inkling-- Well, you'll just have to tell him it was a mistake.

A mistake?

Oh, Robert has sold the pigsty to Gerald Somers.

You'll give him his money back.

You can't sell the pigsty.

And what makes you think he'll agree to that?

Think of the sentimental value.

Katriona hates it.

No, it's been in the family for generations.

Everybody, stop.

Look.

What?

I can't see anything.

Exactly.

Well, he didn't waste much time, did he?

Well, he must have found out about the frescoes.

Yeah, Katriona, I'm terribly sorry.

I wonder where he went with it.

I know where.

That's her, isn't it?

Where, Margaret?

Out on the loch.

What?

Why would Gerald Somers go to all that trouble?

I mean, he-- why didn't he just cut the frescoes out?

Because the value is in situ, in the place they were painted in.

Chop them out, they're only worth half as much.

Yes, well, as he's got the whole damn thing, I mean, that's that, isn't it?

No, I don't think so.

Janey, call the police.

Tell them to go to the old quay at the end of the loch.

Duncan and I will meet them there.

Well, what can the police do, Lovejoy?

The pigsty belongs to Gerald Somers.

It is his.

Just get them there.

Yeah, I appreciate your help, Duncan.

Oh, it'll be no problem.

Hotel manager's an old friend of mine.

Hey, what are you doing in there?

Where the hell are you sailing this pigsty?

[lively music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Hamish, can I borrow your boat?

♪ ♪ Lovejoy.

What do you think you're playing at?

Me?

Me?

You abduct me in the middle of the night, you risked my life in a pigsty on all this water, and you want to know what I'm playing at?

Get this man off my property.

Apart from getting rid of this idiot, Lovejoy, you've had a wasted journey.

This pigsty belongs to me now.

Absolutely legal.

Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Maybe.

But you're going to give it back, along with the missing Fattori drawings.

Oh, come now, Lovejoy.

Nobody's going to believe I've got those.

The law might, especially if they hear that you've got a 17th century Italian mirror hidden in your hotel room that was nicked in Essex last week.

I don't believe you.

The man's telling the truth, Somers.

Somers.

I raise my hand and Jane tells the police.

No, stop!

[soft music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a toast, Tulio Fattori.

Tulio Fattori.

Lovejoy, thank you.

You warm enough, Edward?

I don't want you catching a chill.

No, I'm fine, fine, fine.

There's a rather peculiar stinging sensation in my left arm.

Oh, god.

What would Katriona do if he suddenly got healthy?

Divorce him, probably.

Lady Jane.

[laughs] Hello, Robert.

[laughs] [soft music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Lovejoy, about last night.

Um, I was going to say, I was glad Eric turned up when he did.

You are?

Really?

Well, I'm so glad.

I mean, we have such a nice time.

Yeah, it would be a shame to make a mess of things.

Which we undoubtedly would.

Yeah, and on top of which, I have to sleep on the right.

Me too.

It's no good, Eric!

Leave me alone.

Sandra, come back!

I hate my life, Eric!

ERIC: Just calm down.

Have I ever shown you my Gay Gordons?

The Tulio Fattori drawings did very well at auction.

I got my commission, and Katriona will get a new roof for the house.

The stolen mirror was returned by an anonymous do-gooder, Eric and Sandra decided to give it another go, and Edward's seeing an acupuncturist.

I'm glad everything worked out, Lovejoy.

[groaning] Charlie?

Oh, Charlie.

Maria?

I'm here, my darling.

Oh, Maria.

I was having this terrible dream.

I could hear Lovejoy's voice.

He was telling some story about Scotland, going on and on.

I thought, I've got to wake up or he'll drive me mad.

Charlie.

Surprise.

Lovejoy.

I wonder when he'll be well enough to write a check.

[theme music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪