- Coming up on "IGI."

For many of us, the holidays are a happy time, a season of peace, but for others, a different reality is had behind closed doors.

A discussion on domestic violence, the impact of the holidays, and where survivors can go for help.

Stay with us.

(bright music) - [Narrator] This program is brought to you with support from the Lewis H. Humphrey's Charitable Trust and from the Friends of KTWU.

(upbeat music) - Hello, and welcome to "IGI."

I'm your host, Val VanDerSluis.

On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States.

That equates to more than 10 million women and men.

And on a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.

And the upcoming holidays certainly don't help.

While many of us are taking part in holiday traditions, celebrating the holiday spirit, survivors of domestic violence face a much different reality.

Domestic abuse does not discriminate and does not take a holiday.

Joining me today to discuss the signs of intimate violence, the resources available to survivors, and how we can help, we have Steven M.S.

Halley, co-founder and co-director for Family Peace Initiative, Dorothy Stucky Halley, co-founder and co-director for Family Peace Initiative, and Becca Spielman, program director for YWCA Center for Safety and Empowerment.

Thank you all so much for joining me today on "IGI."

It's great to have you here.

And Becca, you've been here before.

We love having you here, and thank you for everything and everything the YWCA does for our community.

I wanted to start off with, you know, we talked about how domestic violence does not take a break.

You know, sometimes people think that the holidays have increased instances of domestic violence.

So can you talk a little bit about that?

- Yeah, absolutely.

So I think there are varying statistics throughout the country in terms of whether you see more incidents of violence occurring over the holidays or whether you see less.

Here, locally, we typically actually see a reduction in the number of calls that we get over the holiday season, but then we see a sharp increase following the holidays.

And that's kind of been how we've seen it here play out in Topeka and the surrounding areas.

And I think, for a lot of survivors, there are a great deal of safety concerns around the holidays, both their physical safety and their emotional safety.

So we think about individuals having very predictable holiday plans and traditions that you carry from year to year.

And sometimes if you're escaping a violent relationship, it can be very difficult to maintain those traditions.

And so what we typically see then is we see folks who are reaching out after the holiday season because they have done what they can to kind of keep the family together, to keep some sense of normalcy within the home, but you also see those incidents occur that lead them to reach out to help after the holidays.

- Yes.

And so what are the typical signs of domestic violence?

You know, for those of us that fortunately don't have to be in that situation, are there things that we can look for to help our family and our friends?

- Well, I think one of the things to always keep in mind are any kinds of showing of domination and control of one partner over the other.

It does not have to be physical abuse, but there's a lot of coercive control, where they are just pretty well controlling where that person goes, who they talk to, what they're doing, not only by physically holding them, but by shaming them, by humiliating them, by demeaning them, by threatening what they will do to not only them, but to their loved ones, to their family members.

So all of those things can control a victim pretty clearly for, sometimes for decades.

- Wow, so I think a lot of people assume domestic abuse, you see it.

You know, you see the violence, you see the physical issues that are coming about because of that unfortunate situation they're in, but there is kind of that hidden abuse that happens with that mental and emotional abuse.

Can you talk a little bit about that, Steve?

- Yeah, when I first got into this work in the '90s, there was a very famous poster with a woman with a bruised face, and there was 1-800-END-ABUSE was kind of the message.

You know, call and get help.

And that was my vision back in the '90s of what domestic violence.

Was a, you know, a battered woman, a bruised body, injuries.

But diving into this field for, you know, approaching 30 years, the emotional abuse, the coercive control, the things that aren't physical, but are demeaning, that are creating fear in the partner, those things can be even more substantial than the physical behaviors that partners can use.

- Right.

So, Becca, we talked a little bit bit about the holidays.

And it's interesting because when I first started doing this show, I thought this is a great show to do around the holidays because there's so much more that happens.

And I think that's a common misperception that happens among a lot of people 'cause among the research I did, I noticed that there may be some stressors that happen in the process of creating more domestic violence issues.

But can you talk about why, you know, if there may be an increase or more of an issue that may happen around the holidays, what are those things that can create more of a stressful situation for that survivor?

- Sure.

Yeah.

You know, I think it's important to recognize that these are things that aren't necessarily causing the violence to occur, but coexisting within a violent relationship can exacerbate the violence, right, or increase it.

And so we think about stress within the home as being an indication of something that you might see over the holidays, right?

We think about getting together and bringing other family members into the home.

I mean, I'm thinking about my own experiences with the holidays and expectations that my children or family might have around those things.

And so I do think there is an increase in stress that occurs.

For many of us too, there's also a financial burden that plays into the holidays as well.

- Very much.

- And so, again, these aren't things that necessarily cause the violence to happen, but when present, right, can increase that.

We also think about people being in their home more together.

I think specifically about COVID.

And one of the things that we saw was that people were having to shelter in place, and shelter in place with the very folks who were causing them harm.

So they weren't able to reach out and connect with an advocate or safety plan in those moments because how do you do that when the person who's harming you is there?

And I think that's a big piece of what we see over the holidays too, is that you're with that person who's causing you harm, or is creating trauma within the home.

- Yes.

And I'm sure it causes so much heaviness as well because if you grew up in a situation where, it could have been an abusive situation you grew up in, maybe not, but the holiday traditions, in many people's minds, are typically happy.

And that's what you would like it to be.

And when it's not, I'm sure that that is a huge stressor and makes you anxious as well.

So let's talk a little bit about both of your organizations here and how you work together, how you came together to be able to help provide support for survivors of domestic abuse.

Would you mind, Dorothy, go ahead and start with the Family Peace Initiative to talk with us about that?

- Yes, I would be happy to talk about the Family Peace Initiative.

It's been in operation for many decades.

I used to run a domestic violence shelter down in Southeast Kansas.

And it was while I was running the programming for victims and the children that I realized I had this seventh victim from the same offender in five-year timeframe.

- [Val] Wow.

- And that's when I realized I had to do more than...

I mean, the work that Becca and her group and the Center for Safety and Empowerment do is amazing and critical for our community.

But what I started realizing is the work that I was doing with victims was after the fact.

And the only way we're going to stop the violence is if we start understanding those who batter.

And so I wrote a grant and started providing services to those who batter.

And then Steve and I were both going to KU to get our master's degrees and met.

And I was already working in domestic violence.

And as we developed interest in each other, we also just continued to focus on domestic violence more and more, specifically on working with those who batter.

- Wow.

And that's so unique because there's so much done to help survivors, and to focus on the root of the problem.

And how is your experience with managing those that batter?

I mean, how do they come to the table willingly?

I mean, are they upset with themselves for what they're doing?

Is it something they feel they can't control?

Tell me a little bit about that, Steve.

- Well, there's lots of differences.

People, individuals come to the table with, you know, different perspectives, but there's some common, you know, commonalities that they often bring.

Rarely do people come to our program excited to be there.

It is kind of expected that they would be trying to avoid their own responsibility for their behavior and blaming it on their partner and, you know, trying to get away from their responsibilities.

So most of the people who come to our class are either been arrested, court ordered to attend our classes through a criminal justice response, or their partner has kind of mandated that, you know, the survival of the relationship depends on them changing their behavior.

There are a few people who seek us out and recognize that they have a problem, but oftentimes, for battering to be able to exist, the person using the violence has to distance themselves from their behavior.

And so they blame their partner, they blame their children, they blame their life circumstances.

And so they don't think they have a problem.

It's somebody else's problem.

And so part of the intervention process is helping to turn that a little bit so that they can look at their own behavior instead of avoiding that accountability.

- Very interesting.

And has the impact been very good?

Do you have people coming back for more assistance, or is it continued progress that they go through?

- we have a program or a group right now that's growing and developing with graduates.

People have completed our program wanting to stick around and keep working on themselves.

And so that's some evidence that it has an impact, that people are wanting more.

Dorthy's office at the attorney general did an evaluative study like in 2015 or '16.

- We did the study in 2015 and on into '16.

Yes.

I used to be the director of the Victim Services Division at the Office of the Attorney General, which is what he is referring to.

So yes, while there, there was a study done about outcomes.

And the Office of the Judicial Administration worked with the Battering Intervention Program Advisory Board and the Office of the Attorney General to look at, okay, we are certifying battering intervention programs, but are they having any kind of impact?

And they did a pilot project where they looked at all of those who completed a program from six different programs across the state, including ours.

And looking at all of the 2012 graduates in 2015 to see if in that, basically, three-year timeframe, if they had been charged with another person crime, or if they had another protection order taken against them.

And what they found was that, in 88% of the cases, they did not have another person crime.

And in 90% of the cases, they did not have another protection order taken against them.

We also did a follow-up study.

Actually, we asked for help with the Center for Safety and Empowerment just specific to the Family Peace Initiative this past year.

And do you wanna talk about those results?

- Sure, sure.

Yeah, so the Center for Safety and Empowerment, we receive results from the lethality assessments that the Topeka Police Department does.

So when an officer responds to a 911 domestic violence call, they will do what's called a lethality assessment.

And that's assessing for the level of danger that someone has experienced, or is experiencing, in their relationship.

So as part of that relationship that they have with us, they share with us the results of these interactions that they've had with victims.

So we were able to look at the data from the Topeka Police Department, compare it with those folks who had completed battering intervention programs through Family Peace Initiative, and found that 85% of those had not re-offended within the city of Topeka.

Not had a 911 call, which I think is even more significant because the likelihood that someone is responding to a 911 call is greater than that of getting a protection order or getting charged with potentially a crime.

So we're looking at some really significant data here to show that battering intervention programs really are effective.

- Absolutely.

You have the proof to show that.

That is pretty tremendous, all the work that all of you're doing, to have an impact on that.

So the Center for Safety and Empowerment, can you talk to us a little bit about that?

Or, you know, how was that created with the why, what, all that?

- Sure, sure.

So the Center for Safety and Empowerment has been in existence since the late '70s.

And so we've had a number of folks who have been involved in this work for many, many years at a time when we weren't really even talking about domestic and sexual violence within our communities, or at least weren't acknowledging it on a community-wide level.

And so our work involves working with clients within our shelter services, but also within the community as well.

So we do have a shelter where folks can seek refuge, an emergency shelter for individuals to stay.

And that's available to anyone regardless of gender identity.

But we also have services through court advocacy, case management, counseling, and our day center, drop-in service center, which we've spoken about previously, as our focus on human trafficking services really are really focused in that particular service area.

But we have a number of different programs where folks can work with and advocate and meet whatever their individualized goals and needs might be.

- Nice.

That's, yeah, a huge benefit to the community, what all of you are doing here with your both of your organizations.

So me as a regular person, I have a friend that I suspect may be physically or mentally abused within the home.

I know that that can be a sensitive topic to bring up to your friend because from what I've seen, that sometimes these friends may not even realize themselves how toxic of a situation they're in.

How would you go about approaching a friend in that kind of situation while being sensitive to their situation, but wanting to help at the same time?

- You're right, it is a sensitive situation.

And part of that response would be dependent on my relationship with them and just how I think they will take whatever I say.

But I think the most important thing is to be there for them and to let them know, "You know, I'm worried about you.

Maybe I don't need to be, I hope I don't need to be, but there are just some things that make me worry.

And I just want you to know that I will always be there for you.

You don't need to feel pressure.

I'm not wanting to tell you what to do, but I want you to know I'm always open for that call, and I will be there for you whether or not you get out and go back, or whether or not you get out and go forward in some other way."

- So it's ultimately up to them- - It is.

- to seek out that help.

And so much I hear, why do they keep going back?

You know, they know what situation they're in.

And there's frustration that grows, even among family members and friends, saying, "Why do you keep going back?"

You know, and so what would you say to that for someone that is getting frustrated for someone's situation and why they keep going back to an abusive relationship?

- Yeah, I mean, I think it's a fair question.

You know, a lot of us have asked that question before, especially when we know and care about someone who's going through a situation, and we're seeing them harmed.

I think there are probably as many reasons that folks return to violent relationships as there are people in violent relationships, right?

Everyone has their own reasons for it.

But, you know, for me, I think there are some pretty compelling reasons that we talk about collectively.

Some of those involve economic reasons for staying.

You know, a lot of times, I believe Dorthy and Steve spoke about some of that power dynamic at play.

And so you see that a lot in these relationships where one person controls the finances.

If I don't have a place to go or food for my children, how am I gonna leave this person, right?

I may not have income myself, or I may not have any access to my income.

I also think about the love and the affection that you have for that person.

You know, we see this play out in a lot of relationships too.

It's not that I want the relationship to end, I want the abuse to end.

And I think that's a fair ask that one would have.

You know, this isn't the person that I married or committed myself to.

Where is this coming from?

How did this happen?

You know, and I think it's also really important that we highlight some of the danger around leaving.

And, you know, as advocates, we recognize that leaving an abusive relationship can be some of the most dangerous times for folks.

And the reality of it is that, you know, if someone leaves, not only is it at that moment that it's dangerous, but it could be dangerous for months and years.

In conversation, we talk about how ending a relationship does not end the abuse.

And I'm sure you all have worked with folks who have had those experiences as well.

- [Val] Oh, yes.

- So it seems like a simple solution to just leave, but I think one of the things that we really try to encourage folks to think about is not focus so much on the victim and their children and their behavior, but really focus on the person who's causing the harm.

So instead of asking that question, which is a valid question that we've all had, we might think about, why aren't we asking the question of why would someone harm the person they say they love?

- Right.

- And I think that that's a really important thing that we try to acknowledge for folks, is that it's really all about the abusive behavior, which is why I think Family Peace Initiative and the work they're doing is so important.

- Absolutely.

You know, and talking about children, if we shift the discussion a little bit, there are children involved in these situations that are witnessing this abuse.

Steve, can you talk a little bit about, you know, boys and girls, but I know boys in particular, seeing a father who is abusing his mother.

What is the impact on that child?

And what can be done early on to be able to keep them from repeating that as they get older?

- Yeah, there's a lot.

The impact, there's some research by Bruce Perry out there who's talked about that a child witnessing their mother being beaten is worse than the child being beaten themselves.

It's a horrible experience in the house where people are supposed to be safe, to be able to come from a chaotic world and open their front door, and then walk in.

And we imagine that as a safe place.

But when kids can't be safe, or if they don't know that their mother, their partner, their adult caretaker, is going to be safe, it's a terrible place for a kid to be living in fear constantly, never knowing.

They're watching out the front window to see if dad's coming home drunk that night or what mood is dad coming home in.

They're living hypervigilantly instead of just playing in the living room.

- Right.

Yeah, so living and anxiety is not good for a child, as they're trying to be educated go to school and be a contributing member of society as they keep growing up.

Do you offer resources to those children or safety, power and...

I'm sorry, the YWCA, do you offer the sources for them as well?

- Absolutely.

Yeah.

So any of our services that I mentioned before, whether it's shelter or our non-residential services, are available to families at large.

And so we do have families who are residing in the shelter together.

We do have supports that are being provided to children.

In fact, we have child-specific programming, which is really great to be able to offer.

In this case, it's arts-based activities- - Oh, I love that.

- for kids so that they're able to process some of the trauma that they've been through, but do so in a way that's safe, comfortable, and not really talk therapy, which I think is so important.

- That's great.

- But a lot of what we do too is we work with the non-abusive parent on really enhancing that bond that they have with their child.

Because what we see is that's really, in a lot of ways, the saving grace for children who grow up in violent homes, is knowing that they have a safe parent, which not only, you know, gives them a sense of safety and comfort, but also increases their resiliency to survive the very things that they're experiencing.

- [Val] Right.

- And there are so many things that have been done to damage that relationship.

The coercive control includes pitting the children against the non-offending parent.

So oftentimes there has to be a lot of work to get the connection enhanced after that occurs.

- So I know we have just a couple minutes left.

If, holidays or not, someone says, "I'm done with this.

I need help.

I need to get out."

how would they go about doing that with the Family Peace Initiative?

- With the Family Peace Initiative, if a victim called us, we would be making a referral to the Center for Safety and Empowerment.

We would help them give a warm handoff of them to the Center for Safety and Empowerment.

As far as additional, we would additionally try to give them information about where their partner could come and the services that we could provide for their partner, if their partner is interested.

It's always better for there to be prevention work done rather than waiting until after the court has been involved.

- Yeah, yeah.

- For sure, for sure.

- And then your center will bring them in with open arms, provide the resources they need, the comfort and the safety.

- The best way to get connected with an advocate would be through our 24-hour hotline.

- [Val] Okay.

- And so whether you as the referring party would call with the survivor so that they know what to hear and what it's like to talk to an advocate, or by providing them with the number, our hotline number is 1-888-822-2983.

- Sounds great.

We'll make sure we include that on the show as well.

So yeah.

- Thank you.

Yeah.

So that's probably the best bet.

There's also opportunities to get connected with us through our main office, but that way you know for sure you're talking with an advocate right away.

- Such a difficult topic to talk about, in particular, around the holidays.

We thank you all very much for joining us today on "IGI."

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

And that's all the time we have for this episode of "IGI."

If you have any comments or suggestions for feature topics, send us an email at issues@ktwu.org.

If you'd like to view this program again or any of our previous episodes of "IGI," you can visit us online at watch.ktwu.org.

For "IGI," I'm Val VanDerSluis.

Thanks for watching.

(upbeat music) - [Narrator] This program is brought to you with support from the Lewis H. Humphreys Charitable Trust and from the Friends of KTWU.