- Welcome to Inspire.

We're so glad to have you here today.

On our show, we're discussing the issues surrounding abuse and intimate partner violence.

Standing up to violence, coming up next on Inspire.

- [Narrator] Inspire is sponsored by Kansas Furniture Mart, using furniture to inspire conversation and by the Blanche Bryden Foundation.

(upbeat music) Hello, and welcome to Inspire.

We're so happy to be here.

Our co-host, we have Danielle Norwood and of course, Amber Dickinson, and you, thank you so much.

In the United States, 84% of sexual assault survivors are female and worldwide, almost one out of three women have been subjected to either physical or sexual abuse by an intimate partner.

- On this episode of Inspire, we'll discuss this global phenomenon, what resources are available to survivors of abuse and what can be done to prevent intimate partner violence.

- To help us understand the issues associated with abuse and intimate partner violence, we have Megan Stuke with us.

She's the executive director of the Willow Domestic Violence Center in Lawrence, Kansas.

Megan, thank you for joining us today on Inspire.

- Hi, thanks for having me.

- What is intimate partner violence?

- Well, it's a really broadly defined term in our world because it can mean so many different things.

It certainly does not mean that it has to be physical abuse.

People can experience intimate partner violence through all kinds of means.

Spiritual, financial, emotional abuse, all kinds of things and it certainly does not even have to be between a romantic relationship.

It could be someone that you live with, a roommate, a parent, someone else that has a means of control over another person.

- I think we're used to the term domestic violence.

Is that what this has evolved to?

- I think the terms are fairly interchangeable really at this point.

- Who do we tend to see most likely to be affected by intimate partner violence?

- I mean, by and large, you will see women being the victims of intimate partner violence, but it can happen to anyone.

I think you said earlier in the segment that one in three women will experience some form of that violence in their lifetime and one in seven men will.

So it really does happen to anyone everywhere, but primarily you see women being the victim.

- I know one of the big deals about being in an abusive situation, the man or woman or whomever, can control the other person by threatening the children or by threatening their pets and that's why a lot of people tend to stay in the relationship, is that true?

- Oh, absolutely, there's so many reasons people stay and it's a really widely misunderstood issue, but yes, fear of losing custody of your children or your pets is a very big deal and obviously we can understand why someone might feel like that control is really scary.

So financial reasons, emotional reasons, feeling like they don't have the skills or the aptitude to live on their own.

Particularly after a long series of abusive tactics, someone just really might not feel that they have the capability to go ahead and live independently.

- Is there some kind of type casting for people who are abusers?

What should we look out for and what kind of backgrounds do they have?

- It's hard, abusers can look like almost anyone or anything.

Often abusers are people who are upstanding members of a community.

Often we hear people say oh no, not that person, they would never, but it's very different what happens behind closed doors and people are very good at hiding it so it's very hard.

We always tell people to look for changes in the victim's behavior.

If someone stops doing their normal activities, if they don't seek for themselves, you might be concerned, but it's really about the victim having the power to come forward, because it's very, very hard to identify from the outside in many cases.

- So if someone is in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, and they feel suspicious that they may be experiencing some abuse because there are certainly different types of abuse.

Physical abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, what are, if someone is suspicious that they might be susceptible to abuse or that their partner is starting to abuse them, what are some things that they should be looking out for within that relationship?

- It's always about power and control.

Every relationship that has abusive tendencies or tactics is at its root about power and control.

So if you're thinking do I have equal partnership in this relationship?

Do I have a say over the things that I need to have a say over my body, my finances, my time, looking out for those ways that your partner might slowly ramp up that heat in terms of control.

And it's very hard to tell.

We often talk about a frog in a pot, and if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and turn up the temperature slowly, by the time the frog realizes that they're in trouble, they're almost cooked to jump out, and it's kind of that same feeling with abuses.

You might not see it right away.

It can take a long time and a series of tactics to get you there.

So looking out for those systems of power that can be put in place early on is really important.

- And I know there's elder abuse as well.

There's just so many nuances in this.

The person oftentimes feel like they have no place to turn.

And if they do try to seek help, then it's gonna be even worse for them.

They're going to be beaten more, or they're gonna be locked away or their money taken from them if they have any coming in from social security or something like that.

How do we get that person the strength to make that leap?

- Well, where I work at the Willow Domestic Violence Center, we're an empowerment based agency.

So what we want is hopefully for people to find that chance to make a phone call to our hotline first, and our advocates are gonna listen, possibly provide resources, ideas, but we don't give advice because that never works.

That's not what people want is for someone else to tell them what to do, because every situation is so unique and so individual, and really the survivor's gonna know their situation better than anyone else.

But at the end of the day, just reaching out for a little bit of help and sometimes it's very incremental and some patience with oneself and with whoever it is you may be trying to help cause it's gonna take time, but that's the idea is really just to reach out to someone who is safe and trusted, either a domestic violence hotline, or maybe a friend or a coworker, someone who can just be there for you and help walk through the long and very painful process of extricating someone... Extricating yourself from that toxic and abusive relationship.

- Could you give us some ideas of the people that you work with?

Talk about the people that come to you at the Willow Center.

- Well, for us primarily, we get people from all walks of life, but to be fair, people who have financial means often don't need our services as much because they have other opportunities.

They may have the money to move out.

They may have the resources and the family around them to kind of protect them, help them through the court system, whatever is necessary.

So our clients in particular are usually people who don't either have family or resources available to them, or the finances to make those moves independently and they need our support.

But really it can be anyone and sometimes people come to us just for a little advice, a couple of phone calls all the way up to staying in our shelter homes and then our transitional housing for up to three years total.

So there's a wide spectrum of things that can happen and different reasons to call us.

- Could you talk to us a little bit about how COVID-19 has impacted what you're seeing with survivors of abuse or how your institution has had to sort of adjust for what I'm assuming is an uptick in violence cases or abuse cases because of COVID-19?

- There has definitely been an uptick.

Being in close quarters, if you're already in a situation that has a lot of power dynamics at play and violent tendencies, kind of being stuck at home or being around each other more is definitely gonna turn up that heat.

Our agency has experienced about a 25% increase in calls since the onset of the pandemic across the board.

I think nationally, the statistic is a little bit higher.

I'm hearing anywhere from 30 to 45% higher volume.

And it's very hard to tell also because so much goes unreported that it could be more.

It's hard to say.

- You can find Megan at the Willow, thank you so much for joining us today, taking part in our discussion about abuse, as well as sharing with us the important work of the Willow Center in supporting survivors.

We'll be back with more discussion on this topic right after the break, stay with us.

(upbeat music) Thank you for staying with us, Amber and Danielle will be back in just a moment, but joining us now are Becca Spielman, program director and Emily Steimel-Handy, public education coordinator at the YWCA Northeast Kansas Center for Safety and Empowerment.

Becca and Emily, we are so glad you've joined us on Inspire.

And would you tell us first, Emily, it used to be the Battered Women's Task Force.

Why the name change?

I mean, obviously it's more up to date, but other reasons for that.

- So I think that that's great to mention because a lot of times, people don't recognize that we changed our name and we are the still the fabulous agency providing free and confidential services just under a different name.

So we changed our name from Battered Women's Task Force to the Center for Safety and Empowerment, just to better reflect the services and the inclusive services that we do provide.

There's a misconception around these issues and around our services that we just serve women and that is not the case.

We serve all genders of folks who are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence, sexual assault, human trafficking and stalking.

And then also we really wanna come from a trauma-informed, survivor-centered and empowerment-based approach to all of our services.

And we didn't feel like the term battered really encompassed that.

And so we changed our name to Center for Safety and Empowerment, just to better reflect the services that we are providing in our community.

- And Becca, I wanna ask you, you've also changed it from victim to survivor.

Will you explain that please?

- Sure, absolutely, so the term victim is one in which some folks really identify with, but there are a number of individuals who see themselves as survivors.

And so that feels to them like a much more empowering term.

I have survived this, I'm thriving.

And so victim for many people might seem like it is not centered on their journey of healing after the experiences that they've endured.

- Now, we're going to be putting up some resource numbers, how to get ahold of you, but I was on your website and I just wanted to bring one of these up, this is from someone who is a survivor, and they said, once you take that first step to get help, I promise it's better on the other side.

What do you do there at the YWCA that prompts this?

I know you have wonderful advocates, but explain how the process works once somebody contacts you.

- Sure, absolutely, so a lot of times, folks are having their first point of contact in our services through our hotline and that hotline number, I know you plan to share with your viewers, but just so folks can have it again is 1-888-822-2983.

However, we do see a number of folks who come into our services through what we call walk-ins, which is essentially I'm coming into the building to access services.

And that's a really helpful option for folks who may not have access to a safe phone, to be able to make the call and talk with an advocate over the phone or due to accessibility needs may need to have more face-to-face interactions with someone than to utilize our hotline.

But essentially when folks come in, they are directed to an advocate who can best meet their needs, whatever their needs are and whatever they present with in terms of their needs.

So our advocates are trained to work with victims and survivors of all victimizations.

Like Emily mentioned, we have advocates who are ready to work with folks, regardless of whether they're experiencing domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking or human trafficking.

And so we connect them with case management if that's something they're interested in, counseling services, we also have court advocates.

And so many times people will wanna utilize court services, both civil and criminal court processes when trying to navigate safety outside of their abusive relationship.

And so there's just a number of different options available to them.

In addition to services that we offer within our main building, we also have a drop-in service center that folks can access and get their basic needs met through a number of different means and that's at our day center.

There's extensive case management services offered there, access to computers, laundry, food, showers, a place to sleep, all of those kinds of things.

- To make somebody feel safe.

- Exactly.

- Emily, if we could go back just for a minute, I wanna ask you she mentioned about getting on the computer and you guys have something special on your site in case your quote unquote loved one who is abusing you sees that you have been on the computer trying to find help.

A special escape button, will you explain that?

- So a lot of domestic violence, sexual assault advocacy program websites and resources have the quick escape or quick exit button.

So it'll prompt you when you first log onto the website, there'll be a popup window that talks about what the quick escape button is or quick exit button is.

So if somebody needs to exit out of the site quickly for safety reasons, then they can click on the escape button or the quick exit button and it'll close down the webpage for them automatically.

And so if somebody comes into the room while they're accessing resources or something occurs that makes the situation unsafe, then they're able to quickly exit out and escape out of that page for safety reasons.

- That's amazing, and I wanna read another note.

I just wanted to say thank you for helping my friend.

She and I have been working on her exit for a while.

She's so proud of her and she loved the smiling faces.

What do you recommend for somebody like if I knew somebody who was experiencing domestic violence, how can I help that person?

- Absolutely, that's a great question.

So our services are not only available to those who are directly surviving trauma, they are also available to what we call secondary survivors or those who are supporting somebody, caring for somebody, loving somebody who is experiencing or navigating domestic violence, sexual assault, human trafficking and stalking.

Because as a friend, as a loved one, as a coworker, as a support person who's helping somebody or watching somebody going through this really horrific trauma and the impact that that has on someone, we also have to take care of ourselves as that support person and we also deserve safety and support and resources.

And so if somebody is helping somebody or they're just sure really what to do next, or they're not sure what to say, or they're just wanting somebody to kind of be that sound board to bounce ideas off of, or they're wanting help safety planning for their friend or their loved one, they can also access our services.

They can call our 188 hotline number, they can come in and they can speak with an advocate to talk about options, resources, and safety planning for themselves, and their loved one or the person that they're helping support through the trauma and through their experience.

- And Becca, you were talking about all the training that your advocates receive and can you kinda expand on what fields like if somebody's being actually physically abused or mentally abused, how do you go about that?

- Sure, in terms of the trainings that our advocates receive, we have a number of classes that we have folks go through.

One, an overview of the different victimizations and how we define these things.

So that's an important kind of foundational knowledge for them to have, but then we also go into the neurobiology of trauma and understanding how these things can have an impact on a survivor's decision making or a survivor bonding in many ways to the person who is abusing them.

And so there are lots of trainings that go into understanding the foundation of our work.

And then we follow up with training like Emily spoke about with safety planning and other types of tactical, logical or logistical skills I should say that folks can have in working with these individuals so that I know how to best support them, so I know how to advocate for their needs, so I know how to hold space with them in ways that I may not have known prior to the training.

- Thank you so much for your information and they serve several counties.

If it's not in your particular county, they can even help you.

So Becca and Emily, thank you so much.

This is truly inspiring and it's like the calvary cause somebody's coming in to help you.

It's a very important topic.

We'll be right back and Amber and Danielle will be joining us once again.

(upbeat music) - Today, we're gonna be talking about how to water your house plants.

Water is really overlooked when it comes to house plants or plants in your office and I wish that it wasn't because it is the number one reason that people come into my office and ask me what's wrong with my plant.

If it's an indoor plant, it's almost always over or under watering.

So when we're talking about watering our house plants, the most important thing is that you select a pot that has a hole in the bottom, and that you also have a drainage dish.

The reason being you wanna see how much water you're putting on each plant and how much is coming out of the bottom.

Ideally when you water a plant like this, you're gonna fill the dish below, but not overflow it.

Accidents happen, but ideally, you're just gonna fill the dish.

You wanna leave it for about 20 to 30 minutes and during that time, the plant is actually gonna take up the water that it needs through the bottom of the pot.

After 20 or 30 minutes, any water that's left in that dish, you wanna dump.

Standing water like that can attract insects, it can cause root, raw and other problems for the plant so overwatering is actually the number one problem with house plants, as opposed to watering as it often is in the landscape.

So water it from the top.

You can water it from the bottom as well, but you wanna make sure that that hole is gonna be completely covered with water, otherwise the plant isn't gonna soak it up.

When you're selecting a watering can, this is a watering can that I use for outdoors.

It has a really large spout and it's not really ideal for indoor conditions.

Watering an indoor plant like this, you're gonna wash out a lot of the soil and potentially expose the roots and damage the plants.

So ideally, you're gonna select something a little bit smaller with a smaller spout.

Now that smaller spout can also mean that water's coming out faster so just be weary of that the first couple times you use it.

The other reason I really like this smaller can is you're less likely to over water.

I don't know about all of you, but when I fill this entire can up and I go around in water, I wanna use all the water that I put in here and sometimes that can be more than our plants need.

So using a smaller watering can can also help you to not over water plants.

The other thing that's really important when you're talking about watering your plants is grouping them by need.

So you wouldn't wanna put a snake plant, which only needs to be watered every couple of months, with a pothos, which may need to be watered once a week or once every other week.

You're just gonna be too tempted to water that snake plant when it doesn't need to be watered.

Instead, try putting it in a guest bedroom or up on a high shelf where you're gonna be less likely to water it and only water it when it needs to be watered.

Many plants are actually gonna tell us when they need to be watered so they're gonna wilt a little bit like the spider plant or the pothos will and that wilting is perfectly fine.

That's the plant's indication that it's time to water and your indication that it's time to go around and water those plants.

What you don't want is for your soil to be waterlogged for prolonged periods of time, or like I said, for water to collect in the dish.

So if you're not sure if your plant needs watered and it isn't wilting, just stick your finger about an inch down into the soil.

If you pull it out and it's wet and there's wet soil on your finger, you don't need to water, but if you pull your finger out and it's dry and the soil is kind of dusty and can be brushed away, that's a good indication that your plants may need to be watered.

Remember, a well watered house plant is the best way to ensure that those plants are gonna be healthy and happy, and that you can reap the benefits of having plants in your home or office.

(upbeat music) - And we're back with this important topic.

Ladies, what is your reaction to today's discussion about abuse and violence?

- There's so much more widespread than I even thought it was.

- And there's so much that's not reported.

We're listening to the fact that there's 25% more since COVID, but I'm wondering how much really is more because there are a lot of people who are not wanting to even tip their hand in anything is going on for fear that there are even more repercussions and I have lived through this personally as a survivor, also as a friend of several survivors and one who didn't make it.

So this is something that definitely is close to my heart.

- I think the thing that I hope people, if they aren't aware of this, that they become aware of this.

There's a stigma with survivors that they should have gotten out earlier, or they should have done this, or they should have done that and I think, man, that's a such a privileged viewpoint and the idea is that you don't know what the situation is.

You don't know who's being threatened, you don't know what the financial situation is so many people don't have the option to escape and I just wish that people would stop having, even including that in the conversation.

I wish the conversation would focus solely on how do we deal with this in our society and how do we make it less taboo to report it or how do we help people more?

I just wish the conversation in that area would shift.

- And the question should be what can we do to help you?

If the help means having somebody provide a listening ear, then that should be the thing.

If the help is okay, do we need to get somebody to help you get out of the situation?

I mean, there are a number of ways that we could be helpful without preaching to someone.

They already know they're in the situation.

You don't have to remind them like, well I can't believe you stayed.

Think about the esteem of someone who is in that situation.

You're already beat down as it is and then to have judgment on top of that, that's not the way to go.

- And it was interesting with what Megan was saying also, it's not just male, female.

It could be another female in the house, and I know that the berating and making the person feel less than is one of the ways they control.

- And I'm thinking about elder abuse.

My sweet beloved granny, God bless her soul, was...

I'm thinking about people in nursing homes, people in facilities, we don't know everybody that comes in contact-- - With disabilities.

- And then what, you're stuck in a situation where if you say something, it could get a lot worse.

And so I have compassion for all of those situations and you're right.

You can't tell people, well, you just need to leave, what's wrong with you?

If you're in that situation, you've been beat down enough.

You think that you don't have any thing to go to that nobody... And maybe sometimes I say this, that if the dog feels a kick, sometimes it feels like love if that's the only touch that the dog is getting.

- Or if you tell someone something like, well go file that restraining order, well it's not so too hard to walk through a restraining order.

- And we all know that there are some things that have happened after that.

- It can inflame a situation, absolutely.

- So much going on and I'm passionate about this topic obviously, but if you're in need of help, there are plenty of resources around our community that you can go to.

Please find friends that can help you, just please be in the midst of somebody around people who can help you in the situation because there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'm proof of that.

And that's all the time that we have for today.

We hope that today's discussion will bring a greater awareness to the issues surrounding abuse and intimate partner violence and as a reminder, you can watch this program again at watch.ktwu.org.

- And if you are so inspired to learn more about our guests, find out what is coming up on future shows and to get access to additional content, be sure to visit our website, www.ktwu.org/Inspire.

- Inspiring women, inspiring you and inspiring strong women on KTWU, thank you for watching.

(upbeat music) - [Narrator] Inspire is sponsored by Kansas Furniture Mart, using furniture to inspire conversation and by the Blanche Bryden Foundation.