caring careers start here.com providing connections to the lives of Aging motans by helping people discover careers in caregiving more information at caring carear here.com we've been proactive mostly because of him I have to say we sometimes think one is a caregiver but I think you're caregivers of each other this bothers me a little bit but I don't think we can do anything this we didn't want at least I and I we are we uh we didn't uh want to have what I've seen happen over the years where uh something drastic has happened to family illness a death and part of the family is saying well we didn't know nobody told us well we don't want that for our kids [Music] hi I'm Melissa Fritz host of inside senior living as a senior living consultant during the co pandemic and a daughter who lost her father to alzheimer's dementia my inspiration for this work comes from a deeply personal place I've seen firsthand the challenges family face when navigating the complexities of Aging over the years I've dedicated myself to equipping older adults and their families with the the information and resources they need to make the best decisions whether that means receiving care in their own home or making a move to a senior living community and as we all age this need is only going to grow that's why we're on a mission to spark conversations support caregivers provide valuable resources and promote a more age-friendly world let's start by meeting Jean and Gary a couple who embodies the love resilience and thoughtful planning that can guide us all through the aging process especially with the support of family and friends make me cry we've been married for 62 years pushing 63 we didn't have any money our honeymoon we didn't have any money we had saved about $100 between us so we decided we were going to Camp tent camp she' never done that before no around Lake year and I bought a flannel night G and my mother said oh this marriage Will Never Last well you can't Camp around Lake Superior in a negl no so so um she was sure it wasn't last I grew up in the era where Women's choices were marriage teacher or nurse period the small College I went to Junior College that he was at I went because I had a brother a half brother a half sister that went there and met their spouses so I went up there and came out with Gary we called it the shoe factory everything that went in came out in pairs my career started very very early when I was yet a kid my dad was finding jobs for me but it was actually in the ninth grade that uh a pastor in in my church came to me and said uh I think you should become a minister and I said you're nuts you wouldn't know it by as much as I talk sometimes but I'm very basically a shy person shy people don't go into the ministry uh but I I spent now this coming June it'll be 60 years since I was ordained spent much of our my time in uh congregations with elderly and became a passion for me Jean and Gary built a life rooted in faith and family but on a trip to church camp one of the family's most cherished places a sudden accident changed everything attending um Camp every year is something that we look forward to they have a week of Family Camp so it's not just for kids and then last year we were excited about having a whole week together um my daughter Maya is working at camp at this time so we knew that it would be an opportunity to see her in action and the first day of um Camp we're all arriving settling in and we are sitting down to learn about camp and we're going to be part of um doing some skits together as families we were almost the last group to go up uh there's a stage two steps I have had a camp already at that time and uh I got to the top of the stage and everything was going fine and my theory is I kicked the cane out from under me and I went headlong and uh broke the hip when the camp incident first happened I think we all kind of just thought it was part of like the skit because we were doing skits while it happened and then I realized oh Grandpa's hurt I thought it okay um he seems fine right now but I don't know if he's not been able to stand very good when we got him into the chair he feel he looked like he was a lot more pain than uh at the start so I was starting to get worried and uh when we had to get an ambulance I was really going oh gosh not again let me just provide you a demonstration and then we're going to get up and do it afterwards okay Gary how was this transition care experience for you well the experience of uh being with the staff here was great you know Jean and I have been through a lot medically and one of the things I always look for in the professional in the medical field is somebody who really cares and uh that's what we found uh here and uh we were really cared for I was so fearful in this uh setting uh I was afraid I wouldn't even get out of this place because of the broken hip and who's going to care for me and of course a little harder they made me get up and walk so they kind of pushed you didn't they they did in a very good way yeah how's that kind of kind of jiggly yeah how do you feel your balance has been at home not as good as I would want it to be it's uh not quite where you want it to be no okay you still use the cane in the home uh part-time but most of the time I'm walking without the cane between Furniture when I did fall and break my hip um I had to started over from square one or minus square one as far as getting back in shape I wanted to be able to do things and if I didn't do the physical therapy I knew I wasn't going to be able to do the things that I want to do no the person that Sands he said he when he can't be in the shop anymore then we would move that that was our thought for moving into something else um when he feels he can't do some of those things so my dad for years as long as I can remember his love his hobby has been wood my spark of woodworking began when I was quite young just observing my my dad and I picked up a lot of things from that so it's been a a a part of me for a long long time up until just a few years ago I pretty much could do everything myself if I needed another set of hands I would come and get her and she would help me now I can't be out she well for one thing she wouldn't let me be out in the shop by myself even in the shop I use a walker to to get around if she weren't there I couldn't continue that and if I couldn't continue that I don't know what I I would be doing as a senior living consultant I never imagined how difficult it would be dealing with my own aging parents when my mom really started to struggle with caregiving I encouraged her to reach out to the senior linkage line it's a free service offered by the Area Agency on Aging our philosophy Juniper's philosophy on preventing Falls it's one of the main tenants of our programming and we know that that's a major issue for people one in three older adults fall every year in Minnesota alone the health care cost related to Falls is about $700 million so it's very significant what we try to do through our programming is help provide education on things people can do in their home environment to reduce the risk of a fall things people can do uh when they're out in the community just selfcare things to be aware of like the importance of foot care Vision Care the most most important thing is definitely exercise and movement all four of our programs have exercise components to them Gary and Jean have been very proactive in planning for their future to plan for where we are today really um we started to do some things with this facility for one thing uh we have grab bars um in all of the bathrooms uh when I had this house built I should say we this is this is her special place really uh I had hoped to be on ground level and uh you know we were thinking that way and we thought it would work we we have an a basement where we have a walk out but the water table in this area was too high and so we had to go up high higher and uh so we couldn't make it all level and so one of the things that bothers me yet is the stairs that we have outside we have thought of uh building a ramp what I'm thinking of at this point is to have maybe we can use part of this but uh design it so that we could add a uh ramp later on uh if we need it making changes to their home has helped Gan and Gary adapt to New Challenges but it's their strong support system that truly makes a difference in navigating this journey our daughter Carrie lived in the cities and we were in southern Minnesota as we were looking for where to retire and we came up here and all the people would always say to us where we lived well you're going up there to live by your children no one's out west and two are in the cities so we came up here and lo and behold told Carrie followed us a few months later I couldn't think of um not being this close to him a mile away less than that a 15-minute walk it was a decision that was very easy as soon as we decided to have children we knew that they needed to be raised and supported by my parents so we packed up and moved up here I think we had a close relationship with the grandchildren over the years and we do we're fortunate we have two of them very close right now and and they walk down the street a half mile just to see Grandma and Grandpa we don't have to go on a trip to see them I can just go over there and uh say hi my grandparents are almost like the friends but even more than friends cuz they're family I love it when my grandparents share stories about when they were growing up in their childhood and also my parents my aunts and uncles's childhoods means a lot to me my parents are my biggest influence um we have been so close um even though I've moved miles away my mom has called me or I have called her every night and we have spent some times hours on the phone talking in addition to being Gary and Jean's only daughter Carrie also works at a local community center that offers programming for older adults after college I went and worked in a nursing home where my dad was as a Chaplain for over a year and that is kind of what pushed me to think about doing that in a more professional way so I went back to grad school um and got my masters in gerontology and then just from there that's primarily where I've worked for the last 20 years I have a fear that I might have overburden Jean also that I'm going to ask too much of Carrie and we we want to be very careful with that just because she's close and we don't feel that she has the care fully the burden of our age or our ailments or whatever it was never told that I had to take care of them they would have never put that on me but um I'm happy to be here and be the support in any way that we can and it's sometimes the little things like helping out with snow removal giving Mom a drive somewhere you know know helping out even sometimes things around their house once in a while but it's mostly to be family together staying connected is one of the most important ways seniors can Thrive as they get older Jean and Gary have a great support system not only their family but friends and Community where's your peaceful faces I told Dave peace would happen if he just did everything that I wanted him to do we Lu with that yeah good Lu good luck and then she told me not to say that so tell me about how this group went from basically a book group to becoming a support group well it started years ago under our pastor and they were doing more what do you want to say deep theological books and I heard about it and I wanted to go but my uh other half here you know I don't think I want to go so it took us a few years to get involved but then uh we got involved and we did some very deep books and then it when you do those books you start to share so it evolved over the years we grieve together we we laugh all the time um which is fun they've got everybody in there's got a great sense of humor um it's helped my husband and me were in there together I lost my mother during Co and I was at a very low time of my life and uh Gan and Gary invited me to join this group and I I have started laughing [Laughter] again surrounded by a supportive Community Jean and Gary find strength and numbers but with Gary's Health a pressing matter they know The Importance of Being prepared and having open conversations about their future right now the the biggest fear that I have is that I might fall again the other fear is that I am going to become a burden to Jean it it really bothers me um I know she will be there she she's been done things for me that I think she should have a Nursing degree because you know experience but I just don't want to U linger and have her having to to take care of me um not that I would ever do anything drastic but but I just um I guess I love her so much I don't want to hurt her [Music] it's been a long long journey Gary's challenges began after retirement and not right away but about 10 years ago and they've been relatively major um he was discovered to have two cancers we battled through those and then he needed to care for the second one which was a growth on his pancreas then they discovered a another cancer after that one after that surgery and he battled that off and on it's one that comes and goes it comes out of love really I have to say that in blessing um what Gary is I know I've done a lot for him and and it's not always been easy I look back on it and I don't ever feel like it was a chore or anything but another gift he's given me is that he's he works hard at being well you know not giving up and I treasure that that he hasn't given up either there's a lot of Pride many caregivers feel that they should be able to do this work and they're finding it um hard to hand over the Baton of care to someone else to be able to help them it's a privacy issue people coming into their home can be very daunting at first I think too A lot of people are not planning ahead and that's a big part of what I want the car givers to do is to be ahead of the crisis and be able to plan ahead for financial housing legal Affairs their health care directives and where they're going to age in place is is a is a big one jean Gary tell me a little bit about your plans for the future wow we'd love to be traveling but that's a no know so we keep working here I guess you want to agent place right yep okay so tell me your what if plans what if that doesn't work out the way you expected realistically and it would probably be me that would have the problems sooner than than her she's a rock of some kind but uh we do uh we do have plans um to go in Assisted Living okay and uh we also know that we don't want to become a burden to our to our kids okay so we will make sure that U we are taking care by not only them but by somebody else if if it comes to that it's a case of putting our name in and when we feel we let them know and then they tell us if they have a space or as soon as one comes up okay so we're going to go tour that community and take a look at it so tell me about yourself what are you looking for what are you not looking for uh we're looking for a place that um when we can't be in our home any longer feel that it's a little bit hard that we would like to be and yet not too far from our daughter come on in over here we have a full kitchen well that's the most important for me is someplace to eat oh look so over here we have the bedroom you want to come in so the person that usually they meet with first would be more of a sales and marketing um person that's going to show them around and go through the amenities and the pricing when there's a care component involved I would highly recommend asking to also meet with the director of nursing and have that conversation um about their loved one because once you've moved in our in there that's going to be a very important piece is actually the the nursing staff and then they're going to set up the care plan that's going to be then administered by the caregivers it's not our first choice to move our first choice is to remain here as long as we can as long as we're not a burden on the family as long as we're not a burden on each other one thing that we have done with our children is uh they're spread apart of course geographically but when they come and some might think this is a kind of morbid thing but whenever they're all together during the summer vacations uh we sit down and talk about where Jean and I are in our health where we are financially uh in fact in a day or so we're going to go with our son who power of attorney and and lay out it we've talked about it but we want the financial planner to show exactly what we have and and where we can go with that so uh it's a continuous process uh we're we're not there yet uh as far as all this planning but I I think we're a long way along the road when do you feel like the best time to start having those conversations with family or children would be I think starting those discussions might be I don't know if it's early but in the 50s that you know when we're 50 and you know begin to in introduce that because if you're going to start talking when you're my age for the first time with your kids you know I'm a PE man and uh I think that's too late they're not going to be fully prepared but if they can Journey with you for a number of years I think it's going to be a lot easier for them with your thoughts you know that Journey with you that we're this is what we think we would do and you know how do you feel feel about it I'm always scared when he goes to the hospital that it's going to be the last time in fact he had the hard conversation with us he had my brother fly home and my other brother come up here he had all of us kids even Maya and Eli we sat down and he said this is getting really hard on me these health challenges I don't know if I want to fight anymore that was hard to hear and he said I just need you to all to know that it is my decision when I choose not to fight that we don't you know get to tell him that he can't and so there's one time when they came home and we talked about it you know he could end up in the hospital and and he could die I mean we left you know we just tell you this could happen and so we need to bring this out in the open this isn't just a a common cold or something you know we're dealing with some issues that could be very serious and that was hard but it was a good conversation and I am so thankful that he continues to fight every single every single day what are the ways that you make sure you take care of yourself that's a hard one the way I take care of myself is sometimes I don't I could never figure it out as much as she loved me and I was going through all of this I never saw her cry and what I discovered maybe even just recently is she didn't want to cry because she wanted me to be strong as well she was going to be strong well that's changed over the last couple years uh I just uh have another diagnosis that there's a very good chance that the cancer one of the cancers has come back and we've cried together now um it's a different Dynamic I I I think I have a message I think we we have a message that no matter how tough life is that you can get through it whether you're caring for a loved one or planning for your own future take the time to explore your options seek support and make informed decision ISS join us next week as we meet Shirley a 90-year-old who defies expectations with her vibrant lifestyle we'll dive into our journey of staying active the challenges of planning for the future and the importance of multi-generational support amen production of inside Senior Living is made possible by Elder Mark Senior Living software helmouth and Johnson Lotus Pharmacy and kickernick gallery [Music]