[ Mid-tempo jazz music plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ Oh no no no ♪ ♪ Oh no no no no no no no no ♪ ♪ Na na na na na na na ♪ ♪ Oh no no no ♪ ♪ Oh na na na na na na na na ♪ ♪ Oh no no no no ♪ ♪ Oh na na na na na na ♪ ♪ Oh no no no no ♪ ♪ Oh na na na na na na ♪ ♪ Oh no no no no ♪ ♪ Oh na na na na na na ♪ ♪ Oh no no no ♪ ♪ Oh na na na na na na ♪ ♪ No no no no ♪ ♪ Oh na na na na na na ♪ ♪ No no no no ♪ ♪ Oh na na na na na na ♪ ♪ Oh no no no ♪ All right.

Back in the closet.

Ooh!

This is this fantastic leopard turtleneck that goes usually with this outfit.

♪♪ [ Whispering ] And now I go into the world quietly.

I'm gonna be one of those people, those quiet people, thoughtful, with sandals on mysteriously like a ghost that moves like a ghost a windy ghost, whispering by, barely detectable.

[ Imitates wind blowing ] Then somebody opened a door for me.

[ Deep voice ] Here, let me get the door for you.

[ Whispering ] "Thank you," I thought.

I thought "thank you" with my eyes, but it did not translate.

Because then I heard him say under his breath... [ Deep voice ] Fucking cunt.

♪♪ Um, this was a big hit for a while, but I don't really wear it anymore because gold is out.

Maah!

♪ Santa, big baby, baby ♪ ♪ A-boop-a-doop-a-doop ♪ What el-- Oh, this one is so good.

So, remember, this isn't -- this is another version of the the long sort of "Flashdance," titties out, and then underwear stuck -- I just really like how smart this is.

It's a underwear shirt.

♪♪ [ Laughs ] ♪♪ So these are -- this is all Dynasty Handbag's outfits.

And there's some stuff I need to hang up here and here.

[ Laughing ] And then these are my clothes right here.

Um... [ Sonar pinging ] [ Slapping ] [ Distorted ] Hello, family.

And sometimes there's a slight touch of crossover.

Like, for example, this you might think that Dynasty Handbag would wear this.

But she never would.

Never.

Too masculine.

Um... ♪♪ Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm?

Ugh.

Ooh.

Ehh.

Aah.

Oh, oh!

Oh, God!

Aah.

Ooh, ooh!

Aah!

I had forgotten to use a U.V.

protector!

Moisturizers!

♪♪ So one of the things that I find really works for me as an artist is having a lot of references to things, in terms of like even referencing -- like if I'm playing a song, a lot of times I won't even -- I'll just reference that it is a song, but it's not really the song that's important, or the tune, it's the idea of the song.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ You know, like, well, you talk about influence or inspiration and all those things are part of you.

And all that information that gets stored is just going to come out in a different way and...

I don't know.

So I guess I feel like it's both, actually.

I feel like, yeah, there is, like, a person who can, you know, like, propel all these things out and make -- you know, and be like, "This is the genius that did that."

But, you know, if you think of someone like Herzog or the Lily Tomlin or -- my heroes.

The two heroes of my life.

♪♪ ♪♪ [ Light laughter ] To the Subway I welcome.

Thank you.

What can I get for you?

Well, I'm a little hungry, but I don't, like, want a sandwich or a sub or whatever you guys have here.

It's not really my thing.

Gluten-free.

A hero, do you mean?

[ Upwards harp glissando plays ] No, I don't need a hero.

Need it later you may.

[ Chimes tinkling ] [ Beeping, tinkling ] Tell you I forgot.

Closed we are.

Yeah, but I'm trying to leave.

Yes, we are closed from within.

Well, is there another way out?

Way out there is another, but it's through.

In fact, through is only way out.

Through is the only way out, huh?

Well...

I'll just stay right fucking here then.

[ Laughter ] Why would I go anywhere that was unfamiliar, different?

I used to say that it -- Dynasty Handbag was a -- I should start using this again -- like a... like a -- I think I said something like a comic -- comi-tragedy meltdown performance vehicle or something.

Um, when I graduated from the Art Institute, I started -- I did some theater training.

So I was working on plays and stuff too.

And then I started writing these songs on my keyboard for -- to perform with a band that I was going to form with two other girls that I knew called Dynasty.

But that didn't happen.

So then I was like, oh, I'm just gonna, like -- it's gonna be this, you know, like, portable thing, so it's going to be Dynasty Handbag.

Like, "Here's my tape," because it was on four-track.

You know, just put it in my purse and off I go.

[ Staccato music playing ] Uh!

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Ah.

Ohh.

Oh.

Ohh.

Oh.

I was married at the time.

I just thought it was kind of funny, like, the situation I was in.

I was like, "How the fuck did I get here?

I'm like 24, and I'm getting a divorce?

Like, what?"

Like, I never dreamed -- I never thought I would be married.

I never cared about any of that stuff.

Just, like, I just found myself in such a weird place.

And I was like, "This is just ridiculous."

[ Laughter ] ♪♪ Mm-hmm.

[ Gong sounds ] ♪♪ [ Bell dings ] "X" marks the spot, eh?

Looks like I got to get there, go all the way do-o-o-wn... Uhh!

Mm!

On a larger scale I can say that, um, I sort of like to -- to grapple with the idea of, like, fitting in and, like, failure and the culture of failure and how, as a kid, I just felt like -- not just I didn't fit, but my whole scene did not fit, my whole family.

Just everything was just, like, off and wrong.

And I didn't, um...

I didn't know that the rest of the world also had problems.

Where am I right now?

Am I really in my, like... in the where the poopy... in the... is where I am?

You are in your intes-s-s-tines, or internal artist colony, if you will.

I'll be taking you to your s-s-studio.

Come.

Walk this-s way.

♪♪ Here are some of your fellow residents-s-s busy creating.

Hello.

Hello.

♪♪ Welcome.

Hello.

How's it going?

Um, hi.

Anyone up for a bike ride?

Maybe later.

Sure.

Well, here we are.

Have fun.

Make something incredible.

I'll create a performance persona who will set forth in the adventure through a cave.

Right.

A cave.

What is a cave?

A cave.

A cave.

A vagina, naturally.

A cave into -- into what?

To the self.

The self.

Yes, the self.

Right.

Oh, another performance piece about the self.

I mean, that is all I know about, right?

So, fuck it, who can blame me?

But how do I get there?

How do I start?

I don't have a war to return home from.

I don't have a heteronormative basis wife situation patiently waiting 10 years for my return.

I haven't a son.

I haven't any real things, exactly.

I don't have any credit or I don't own anything, exactly.

No MFA.

God, I am such a failure.

Jesus.

Aw, shit.

Here we go again.

[ Down-tempo heavy metal music plays ] ♪♪ [ Wailing ] ♪♪ But there is something to be said about, you know, the shared-experience stuff being, you know, not really what we celebrate here in this country.

Especially here.

Like, you know, the individualism and the, like, "Do it yourself," and, like, "I did it," and, like, the man.

And there's always like the narrative of like, you know, the hero narrative.

And I think all that stuff is kind of tied in together, but that's just horseshit.

This is about as old as things get.

Like, I haven't -- I don't have anything from like when I was a child -- little child.

When my mom and dad both died...

This is really cute.

My dad saved all the cards I ever gave him.

This was a play I was in in high school.

He saved this.

This was all -- we found all this shit in his house.

So there was, um...

I did get some photos when my parents died.

My dad is like sort of...

I don't know.

He's from L.A.

He was just, like, a bad boy, you know, like a rich-kid bad boy who had a really hard family life and was really into drinking.

And he met my mom, and my mom was, like, very sweet and, you know, pretty and super low-key.

And anyways, so they hooked up and then moved to northern, northern California, like in the sticks, and that's where I was born, at home.

But the commune, of which I spoke, still existed.

And then they settled in Berkeley.

And then the commune bought land in Northern California near where I was born and opened the summer camp for the performing arts, because the commune was sort of like an activist arts -- It was Wavy Gravy's summer camp -- Wavy Gravy, emcee of Woodstock, the world's most famous hippie clown.

♪♪ They had -- on the property, they had all the buses parked and all the buses were the buses that they would do these crazy tours across the U.S., like the Nobody for President tour, where they would stop places and get out and then, like, do these wild performances in towns and get, like, run out of town, and, you know, that kind of thing.

There was one bus there that had...

I mean, it was a huge bus.

You know, it was like a giant, giant, like, Greyhound, you know, that's been gutted.

And then there's, like, beds everywhere and, like, silky tapestries and shit.

And there was one that had just collage.

The entire ceiling was collaged with, like, you know, like, all kinds of beautiful cut-out -- I'm sure they were just, like, frying their brains out, like, cutting out these things like...

But it was it was crazy.

Like, you would go, and that's where we would have Thanksgiving and sleep in these buses and be like, "Oh..." [ People cheering ] [ German accent ] Days go by in the solitude of the artist's weird studio in the woods.

staring into the void, making feeble attempts at exciting work, unable to move forward.

[ Normal voice ] I know!

Commune with nature and get inspired.

♪ La la la la la la ♪ [ German accent ] Alas, the muddy oval is home to scads of unexciting animal life, water skeeters and pollywogs.

Nature is violent and ugly.

Now, morbidly uninspired, she trudges back to her lonely studio.

Suddenly, she feels a whoosh of wind against the back of her neck.

[ Whoosh! ]

[ Rock music plays ] The hawk is increasingly angered and drives the artist out of her territory by attacking her head as she runs screaming in horror.

Ah!

Aah!

Aah!

Once the panic settled, the artist tried to find meaning in the encounter.

[ Normal voice ] I mean, I'm not injured per se.

She didn't break the skin or whatever.

But there is the real scar, which is that I feel so scared of the hawk now, and I feel that she victimized me.

Why?

She was just being a good mother.

It's not personal.

Maybe...

I'm triggered... by... her mothering.

Maybe I just want to stay home in a warm nest with mama.

And if there's anything that threatens my existence, he would fight it off for me -- bear, fox, drug dealers, rapists, bullies, cold weather, rejection letters.

♪♪ Maybe the hawk is about my relationships -- romanti-psychosexual ones.

That would be more like daddy stuff.

[ Vanity's "Pretty Mess" playing ] ♪ Here we go again ♪ ♪ Falling on my bed ♪ ♪ And pulling on a pillow ♪ ♪ Well, I think you got what it takes ♪ ♪ To get me boiling like a kettle ♪ [ Music stops ] But I can also be predatory.

Stay.

Stay right there.

Stay right there.

Umm-umm-umm-umm.

Don't you run away.

I will get you.

Gonna come and I'll text you every day and night.

[ Knock on door ] Hey, I was just s-s-stopping by to ask how your work was going.

Are you adjusting well here?

Is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable?

No, I'm -- I'm good.

I just, um... [ Woman vocalizing softly ] ♪♪ I loved camp.

But things were just not good in my immediate family life.

And when I got to be around 11, like 12, I -- you know, I started going into adolescence and getting really, um... just, you know, I started drinking really young and I was just like, "Fuck that," and I didn't -- I just thought the whole thing was stupid, of course, and...

I didn't really have any...

I don't know, I just -- my parents just didn't really care what I did, and so, um, I just stopped doing anything like that, and... Just some weird stuff happened.

Like, my mom just, like, left.

She sort of, like, abandoned us, I guess.

And she just, like, left one day.

She was like, "I'm leaving.

Bye."

And I was 15, and I was like, "Okay, well, I guess I'm leaving too."

And then I just, like, stopped going to school and moved out.

I just -- there was no way I was gonna continue being, like, involved in things because there was no impetu-- I don't know.

And then, you know, I was just like, I was just a teenager too.

I was just like, "Fuck this, fuck that."

♪ It's a little bit bleak ♪ ♪ But I have a confession ♪ ♪ It looks as though, it appears as though ♪ ♪ It feels as though I might have... ♪ ♪ Depressio-o-o-o-o-n ♪ ♪ I'm not talking about the blues ♪ ♪ No, I'm not, nope ♪ ♪ I'm not talking about the sad ♪ ♪ Enh, enh, enh ♪ ♪ I'm talking about when you just lose... ♪ All interest in life and, like, social activities.

You really don't feel like doing anything that you normally would want to do, or you dream that you think that you like to do but you don't actually like to do any of it.

Like, you're like, "Oh, I should go to brunch.

Oh, ride a bicycle.

Oh, I need a dog.

Uhhhh!"

You don't want to do anything.

You're like, "I have this project."

"What pro--" "I don't know.

I want to make an avocado tree.

I put the thing in the jar, and then -- Why is nothing happening?!

That's my thing."

And I don't know, I just left that.

I have a -- I dry fruit sometimes.

I don't know.

I just, like -- nothing is, like -- uhhhh!

It's like everything's so stupid.

Everything's stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Like, you kind of like -- There's you, and then you're like -- ffew!

-- and in outer space, and then you see, and you're like, "Why?!

What's the -- fppppp!"

And then you're just, like, lying on this -- you're, like, lying on a sofa, and there's this big, great, hairy hand just like squashing you into the -- uhhh!

Just flattening you, like, uhhhh!

And it's like you're drowning.

Mm!

Drowning in a flood of emotio-o-o-o-o-o-n!

[ Thunder crashes, rain falling ] ♪♪ What?

Wha?

Huh?

What?

A flood!

A flood.

A real flood!

Aaah!

♪♪ I do a lot of... try to do a lot of work on -- in that area, my -- my personal -- like, my private life, and... it's really slow going, but I definitely feel like a transitional thing happening where... ♪♪ ...work -- my work life and my creative life is starting to feel, um, just really good.

And, like, it's just been kind of creeping up for a while and like that I have more of a not only just a positive association and positive feelings about doing work, but more just like I can let it come and go now without as much anxiety, without as much judgment, without as much just, like, trying to force things out of myself so that I can do -- you know, rrah!

Like, now I'm like, "Oh, I want to do this," and it feels lighter and it feels like what I'm supposed to be doing.

And that is like the biggest change for me.

And so I'm so grateful that that's happening.

[ Down-tempo piano music plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Oh.

Look at this.

Supposed to be right where you are.

♪♪ ♪ Ooh, I had a pretty good ti-i-i-i-me ♪ ♪ And I wonder when we are ever gonna cha-a-a-a-nge ♪ ♪ We don't need another... ♪ Anything, actually.

Right?

We have -- We have all that we need.

Okay, let's zoom out for a moment.

But of course we're all just like a weird -- I mean, I didn't make anything that I am myself.

So, like, all that I could say I'm accountable for is just, like, not being afraid.

It's hard to feel like a legitimate person when no one legitimizes you.

in this culture.

You know?

And then the only way you are legitimized is by fame.

And that just happens to so few people.

♪♪ ♪♪ [ Mid-tempo jazz music plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪