♪♪ Woman 1: My name is Jill Skibba.

I want to let go of the hurt I feel from my negligent father.

I don't really like him [laughing] very much.

And I, I would like that to change.

I would like to replace that with empathy and forgiveness for him, but I can't do that because I don't really know who he was.

So I'm going on this journey to better understand why he made the choices he did, and forgive him.

My name is Jill Skibba and this is my Generations Project.

[gentle guitar] [airplane engine roaring] [indistinct PA announcement] John F. Kennedy: Let the word go forth, from this time and place, that the torch has been passed to a new generation.

PJ: I really never thought that finding out about your ancestry could change you the way it's changed me.

♪♪ [slide fizzling out] - What kind of father did I have?

A drunk.

I had a drunken father.

A father that wasn't around.

A father that, around the time I was 12, stole my babysitting money to buy beer and left me an IOU in my [laughing] piggy bank.

The last time I saw my dad was on my 16th birthday.

He stopped by.

And he stopped by to pick something up, and I thought he'd come by to say happy birthday to me, and I was-- jumped in the shower, when I got out he was already gone, he didn't even know... that it was my birthday.

[sighs] I don't really like to talk about my father because this happens.

[laughs] But what's left is, you know, kind of a handful of not so great memories.

I don't know anything at this point of where he comes from or who he is, and... even his last name, 'cause he was adopted.

My mother died when I was in my 20's, and then he died about 10 years later.

Going into my personal life is tough.

It's really hard, it's a really big challenge for me to be doing this.

I don't talk about my father very often.

We're all human, and I don't think he started out as a bad person.

I think learning about where he came from will help me understand where he got to.

We had him cremated and when we dropped the ashes over, you know, I thought I wouldn't care, and, uh, I did, I cried, it was sad.

I guess because the opportunity to ever have a relationship was now gone.

There was always that little part of you that still hopes that maybe there's a chance for a relationship.

Through this process, I may end up having a better relationship with him now than I ever did when he was alive.

I'm starting from complete scratch, a complete orphan here.

My father's mother died giving birth to him and his father either didn't want to take care of him or couldn't take care of him and put him in an orphanage for several years, and then he was finally adopted by the woman that I came to know as my grandmother, and her husband, but I'm not even sure how she's related to me, and she died when I was in high school.

So I don't have any relatives or anything on his side that I ever knew, or any way to get this information.

The only thing I really have is this little folder here that I collected from his place after he died, with some pictures and some papers, and I have this one military record that says that he was born in Virginia, Minnesota, in August of '39.

Another thing I heard is that my father's name was Violette [Vi-oh-let] or Violette [Vee-oh-lay], I don't know where that came from, I don't know if it's a rumor, but I don't know what my dad's name was before he was adopted, so, that would be interesting to find out too.

So, I guess I'll stop first in Minnesota and see what I can find.

[zip] All right, I think I'm ready.

[intriguing music] ♪♪ I figure the library's a good place as anywhere to start.

[click] [soft chatter] [softly] Okay.

♪♪ There's a death record for Elizabeth Agnes Violette, two days after my dad was born.

This has to be right because what I know of my father is that his mother died in childbirth.

So my father's mother was Elizabeth Agnes Violette.

I'm so excited.

This is so awesome.

But it's true, I'd heard rumors that my last name was Violette.

And it is.

All right, I need to get more help.

Librarian: So this on here is what you know.

Jill: [laughing] It's not much, it's one name.

- Okay.

So if she did die in Minnesota, we might be able to find an obituary for her.

- Okay.

Susan: We have to go to the microfilm.

- Oh, that's cool.

[softly] June, July, August.

Susan: The film comes off the top of the spool as it is now, and then you push it on the spindle.

[softly] Takes a lot of patience, doesn't it?

- It's old school, for sure.

[softly] Okay, we've gotta be getting close.

No, nothing.

Susan: Okay, well, don't give up.

[gentle guitar] [drawers sliding] [softly] Jill?

I did find something here.

And it is what we were looking for.

- Oh, fabulous.

Susan: This is the obituary.

And here it's Mrs. Leonard instead of Elizabeth.

- Okay, so Leonard would be... her... husband.

Susan: Her husband's name.

Jill: Okay.

Mrs. Leonard Violette.

33 — wow, way older than I thought she would've been.

She was a teacher.

Well, survivors are her husband, an infant son... Leonard Frank?

Susan: So this is your father, Leonard Frank?

Jill: They changed his name, to John... Francis.

So now I need to learn more about who Leonard was.

Susan: Well, I do have another document that I found.

Jill: What do you have?

Susan: This is the 1920 census from Virginia, Minnesota.

Leonard, um, is living with his parents still.

This is all one household, from this number to this number.

So that's really more people than you would think would live in a family.

- Holy smokes.

What's it say, lodgers?

Susan: Mm-hmm.

They-- looks like they owned and/or managed this facility.

And it does call it a hotel here, so... - And he was 16 in 1920, so that made him 35 when he had my dad.

So it does beg the question that if he was a 35 year-old man, why did he not choose to raise his son?

I can understand if you're 18 or 19, but, at 35, why would you not... raise your child?

For the first time, I think, in my life, my heart hurts a little bit for him, as opposed to being mad at him.

You know, to just come into this world in tragedy, the two people that should matter most to you are both gone.

That makes me sad for him.

Now my journey is to find out why my grandfather, Leonard, did this.

Uh, why he would, at 35, leave his child not with a family member, but put him in an orphanage.

So I think my next point of destination is go into Virginia, Minnesota, and see the hotel, and find more about my father's history.

More where he actually was born and grew up.

♪♪ Thank you.

Employee: Thank you.

Jill: Have a good day.

[ding, dong, dong] [traffic passing] - So... ♪♪ Excuse me!

Hi.

Postman: Hi.

Jill: I'm looking for the Mitchell Hotel, any idea?

Postman: Never heard of it.

- Excuse me.

Woman 2: You know, that doesn't sound one bit familiar to me.

- Hi there!

Man 1: Hi!

Jill: I'm wondering if you could help me.

I'm looking for... Central Avenue?

- Central Avenue, right here in Virginia.

Jill: It, it exists?

- It's here-- it exists, but it's not named that anymore.

Jill: What is it?

- It's called 5th Avenue now.

Jill: Oh.

Man 1: You can just follow this around to the traffic light.

- I appreciate your help.

- You're welcome, have a great day.

- All right.

[gear shifting] [door opening] Must put on fuzzy hat because it is bone-chilling cold.

All right.

Oh, here we go.

What's this?

So here I am at the corner of... 5th... 5th and 1st.

So I'm in a parking lot.

[laughing] This is the Mitchell Hotel.

It's a parking lot!

So... [laughs] So this is awesome.

There is no hotel.

All right.

Here we are.

You're kidding.

Library.

[laughs] My parking lot is part of a library.

So, I'm gonna see if they have any information.

I'm wondering if you could help me.

Librarian 2: The reference librarian is right through there.

Jill: Oh, fabulous.

I'm trying to do some research.

The person that I need to find is Leonard Violette.

There was once the Mitchell Hotel, which I have now discovered is your parking lot.

[snickers] - Oh, I remember that building.

Well, I think I might have something here.

Let me just get that printed.

I found an obituary.

- Okay.

What's the year?

'58.

Following the death of his father, he operated the old Mitchell Hotel.

Survivors include a son, Leonard Jr., and yet he never even knew this man.

Doesn't say he was married.

It still doesn't answer the question of how my father came to be in an orphanage.

Linda: Well, maybe you can find some, some living relatives in the area.

- Oh, that would be great.

I didn't even think about that.

- Some of them sound very familiar to me.

- Oh, really?

Okay.

Linda: The Panyon name.

[pages flipping] - Richard Panyon.

Man 2: [over phone] Hello.

Jill: Hi, Richard?

Man 2: Yes.

- Hi, my name is Jill, I think you might be a relative of mine?

Richard: Yes, okay.

- I'm starting to cry again.

Richard: Go ahead.

- Um, I was just doing some research, and I realized that you were the son of...

M.E.?

Richard: Emma, right.

- Emma.

Richard: Yes.

- Okay.

So, that would make her the sister of my grandmother... Elizabeth Agnes?

Richard: We knew her by Agnes, I guess.

- Oh, okay, and-- Richard: Yeah.

- ... did you know her, then?

Richard: I knew her, but I was very young.

- Is it possible to have a small, short meeting with you?

Richard: Well, if you're in the area.

- Okay, perfect!

Okay, I look forward to meeting you.

Richard: All right, well, see you later.

- Thank you!

Richard: Okay, thanks for calling!

Jill: That was nerve-wracking, a little bit.

I was a little nervous talking to some strange person that's related to me, and... that was... kinda cool!

Kind of exciting.

[softly] Let's go meet Cousin... Richard.

[steady guitar] [knock, knock, knock] Woman 3: Come on in!

Jill: Hi!

Woman 3: Hi!

Jill: Hi, I'm Jill.

Richard: Good to see ya!

Jill: Nice to see you as well.

Richard: Come on in.

Woman 3: Come on, take your seat wherever you want.

Jill: Oh, you're brother and sister.

- We're brother and sister.

- So then you were the sister and brother of... Agnes.

- No.

- I'm so confused.

That's right!

She was your aunt.

- She was my-- our aunt, yes.

- Emma was your mother.

- That's right.

- I'm back on track.

- Oh, okay.

- Agnes died.

I knew nothing of this woman 't-t-till 48 hours ago.

- Mmmm!

Lovely, lovely lady.

- Oh, that's so nice to hear.

To me, she was just a great, great person.

She was always busy cooking or, or baking.

She was a heavy set gal, but she was so pretty.

- I don't picture that at all.

What do you have here?

What is this?

- Obituary for Agnes.

- I can read it out loud, do you want me to read it out loud?

It says, "Services held Tues. for Mrs. L. Violette.

"Mrs. Violette had [been] a very likeable personality.

The children in her class thought the world of her."

Well, this is so special to me because I never even heard her name.

Elizabeth: Oh my.

- Yeah.

So I always felt that she deserved this place in my family as well.

Elizabeth: Mm-hmm.

Jill: Do you know anything about her husband?

- [sighs] Not really.

I think I saw him only twice.

- Uh-huh.

And what was your opin-- your, your impression?

- I did not like him, personally.

My mother, I know, went over to get Ag's clothes when she had died, and she says, There's none of her jewelry left or anything, so-- - He took all of that?

- He must've.

Jill: Well, so that's interesting.

I didn't have a very good feeling about this man, and I was hoping that would change.

Elizabeth: I'm sorry about that.

I didn't know him that well-- Jill: Sure.

- ... but I just didn't take to him.

- And my father was put in an orphanage, from what I'm told.

Elizabeth: No, no, 'cause right from the hospital, he went to a single lady that took care of children.

And we never saw him-- maybe we saw your dad once after we had, had him for-- I don't know how many years we had him... at our home.

- I didn't know that you had him... at all!

How old was he when he came to live with you?

- [sighs] This is a picture of... - Is that him?

- That's him.

- And who's this?

Is that you?

You're so cute!

Elizabeth: [giggling] Oh, thank you!

- Why was he called Butch?

- We-- that was our n-- our name for him.

- I've never heard that before.

So he came to live with you very young.

- Mm-hmm.

- So that changes things a lot.

Your mother, Emma-- Elizabeth: Mm-hmm.

Jill: ... my father's aunt, took him in by the time he was two-- Elizabeth: Yeah.

Jill: ... until he went to live with Ed.

- That's right.

Jill: So then, he wasn't in an orphanage, till he-- I'd heard that he was in an orphanage till he was eight.

Elizabeth: Oh, no.

No, no.

'Cause he was not even going to school when he was living with us.

- Yeah, he was two.

- Yes.

And I was changing his pants, so...

I know.

Richard: So she knows.

Yeah, she knows.

Jill: So he was well taken care of.

- He was very well taken care of at our house.

He was like one of our own family.

Jill: Did he seem happy?

Elizabeth: Your dad?

Jill: Yeah.

Elizabeth: He was the happiest little, little guy.

He was on, on the right, right track when he was living with us, 'cause he was just a common, ordinary little fella.

- Yeah.

Do you have any information on how things were with Ed and his wife?

Elizabeth: When Butch left for Texas, we never heard another word from him.

Jill: Do you know why the exchange was made?

Why the-- he went with-- Elizabeth: Well, he, he didn't have any children.

Jill: Ed.

- Ed.

Maybe that's why they adopted him.

I don't know.

Jill: Who changed his name?

- D-- must've been changed by Ed.

They were kind of different.

They did like to be in the upper class.

Richard: Compared to us.

Elizabeth: Com-compared to us, yeah.

Jill: So he went to Texas and lived his life and you know nothing more of him?

Elizabeth: Well, what I had heard was that after Ed died, Bud took him.

Um, that's my Uncle Frank.

Jill: Okay.

Elizabeth: He's down in, in Texas, in a nursing home.

He's 90-some years old.

- Bless his heart.

- Yes, and he's got-- he's just as sharp as can be.

- Well, then maybe I need to go see...

Bud?

- I called him Bud.

- Okay.

Well, I thank you for looking for these pictures for me.

For a perfect stranger.

I have a couple pictures.

I have no idea who that is, do you have any idea?

- Um... Yeah, I know, but I can't tell ya who it is!

D-- d-- who is that?

I know I should know him.

Richard: I hate to admit it.

Elizabeth: What?

- Me.

- Get outta here!

Elizabeth: Is that really you?

- High school graduation!

- Get out!

They were kind of fantastic.

Fun, cute, pistols of people, I loved them.

It is, it is so weird to have Skibba relatives, I've never had one ever.

That was awesome.

Woman 4: I'm just glad you got in touch with us.

Jill: I'm so glad that all of you have agreed to come and meet a total stranger, and... Woman 4: No, you're not a total stranger.

You're family!

- We are-- Woman 4: Family is family.

See?

Jill: I want to let go of the hurt I feel from my negligent father, so I'm going on this journey to better understand why he made the choices he did, and forgive him.

I feel like my questions about the circumstances surrounding my father's abandonment have been answered.

He was never in an orphanage!

And to find out that that wasn't true blew my mind.

That was the story I got my whole life.

That makes me feel good for the little boy that he was, but it also makes me sad that I found out that he was shuttled from family to family to family to family... before he was even a teenager.

That had to have been tough, on a little boy.

I think he probably felt very alone and very-- uh, like he didn't belong.

It's not excusing the choices he made in his adult, but I'm understanding them a lot better now.

Now I have to figure out what he did from his teenage years till when he met my mother.

So I guess I'm going to Houston, to go see Frank Jr., or Bud, and see what he can tell me about my dad's time spent with him.

Woman 4: [over phone] Hello?

Jill: Hi, may I speak to Frank, please?

My name is Jill, I, uh-- I think I'm a relative of his, I was trying to do some research on my father, I was hoping I could ask him a few questions.

Woman 4: Uhhh, right now it's hard to talk to him.

- Okay-- can I ask who I'm speaking to?

Woman 4: This is Ann, his daughter.

Jill: Is there any way that I could possibly meet with you, or just to ask a few questions?

Ann: Sure!

Jill: Great.

Ann: Open that.

Jill: Uh-oh, I'm gonna cry.

- That's all right.

All right, this is, this is, this is my dad, and he couldn't be here because he can't leave the nursing home right now, because he's recovering from surgery.

Ed died in 1955, and John's mother had a nervous breakdown.

That's when my parents ended up havin' John in the house with them.

Jill: So, it's my understanding that my father's mother died the day after he was born — so he lost his mother, he never knew a mother — then he went to live with his father, or this lady friend of my-- of his father's, for like a year.

So then he lost that woman, and his father took him to go live with Emma, and her husband.

And then after that, he left to go live with... - Bess and Ed.

- And then Ed died... - Right.

- And Bess... - Did the best she could and had a nervous breakdown, yeah.

- And then she-- he went to live with you.

That's a whole lot of parental figures-- that's a whole lot of not feeling like you belong anywhere.

What was his demeanor?

Was he still-- 'cause I heard he was a very happy child, but being shifted around so much, I gotta imagine that... Ann: Aunt Bess, my dad said, would let John get away with anything.

Jill: Oh, okay.

Ann: He was spoiled.

He was spoiled to the point where my Dad would, uh, send him out of the room, or say, Look, if you don't like it, you know where the door is, type of thing.

- Yeah, so by the time he came to you, he was a spoiled teenager.

- Right.

And my parents, or my dad, was stricter than Ed and Bess were.

Jill: Which is probably a shock to the system for someone who'd been... - Could've been, yeah.

But John had some quirks.

Your dad was a...

I'm not gonna say it.

- You don't have to tell me twice!

- He was a stinker!

Jill: You said he had some quirks, what were some of his quirks?

And don't hold back.

Ann: One that infuriated my mother — he would sniff his food before he would eat it.

- [laughs] Ann: He was a little sneaky mean.

Like, he'd had my brother-- my mother caught him in the backyard, and he was gettin' ready to shoot an apple off my brother's head with a bow and arrow.

- [laughs] When he came to live with you, or thereafter, I'm not sure if you know, like, did he drink, then?

- We don't know.

- Okay.

Ann: We assume that he probably started drinking while he was in the military.

Jill: Okay.

Did you have any contact with him... after that, or once we moved to California that was kind of it?

- That was it!

I'm just glad you got in touch with us.

Jill: I'm so glad that all of you have agreed to come and meet a total stranger, and... Ann: No, you're not a total stranger.

You're family!

- We are-- Ann: Family is family.

See?

Jill: It's amazing that anybody would know-- I, I just didn't think anybody ever knew that we existed, on my father's side of the family, so to meet somebody that not only knew... we existed, but that knew my mother when she was young, and lived down the street, and, and knew my name, and knew my brother's name... No idea, no idea.

Amazing.

It wasn't hard to take the fact that he started shifting around his teenage years.

It just-- it was helpful to see-- kind of see how that started manifesting.

And then it sounds like he maybe started his drinking when he was in the military, which I'm sure felt like a nice escape for him.

I'm not so much relating to the man that I knew anymore as I am to this young boy, this Leonard person, and relating to his life, which I think really helps me to let go of whatever resentment I had left.

I really feel like that's happening.

So, so far I know my dad's life from the time he was born all the way up to when he joined the military.

Oh, this is a record of transfer or discharge.

So it says here that he was discharged for hardship.

[gentle guitar] Let me see if I can maybe find something on the computer.

[keys clacking] I found a person I might be able to call.

I was wondering if you could tell me what a hardship discharge means.

Shane: [over phone] Okay, so, "Hardship or dependency may exist "when unforeseeable circumstances "have arisen in the airman's family... "if after his enlistment "members of his family become dependent upon him "for care or support "because of the death or disability of a member of that family."

It also has some further qualifications, as far as hardship is concerned, "which are causing the family to endure conditions "beyond those normally incident to military service."

- I'm wondering if I was the incident, 'cause it was right before I was born.

Shane: Typically, birth of a child is not usually considered undue hardship.

Jill: Well, I'm wondering, 'cause I don't know of anybody that died.

How would I-- do you know how I would find out any more information regarding this?

Shane: An important thing to understand, as far as hardship, is that it is only applicable with an immediate family member.

Jill: Huh.

That's interesting.

Then now I'm wondering if it had something to do with my grandmother.

But it is, it is honorable.

Shane: Oh, yes, yeah.

Jill: Okay.

Well, thank you again, I certainly appreciate all your help.

Shane: Yeah, no problem!

Jill: Let me see if there's anything else in here.

This is...

Okay, this is from '72, but it talks about my grandmother, "who had a nervous breakdown" 15 years before.

That would be after Ed died.

Okay, "symptoms of... "obsessive compulsive behavior... "She reveals a history "of hospitalization of three types in Texas."

She was getting sicker and sicker, and my dad had to take care of her.

I think it's really impressive, but it's a little hard for me to swallow that he really did that, you know, because at this point, I've already heard that he's turned into, kind of, a little bit of a punk.

Yeah, I'm not, I'm not convinced.

Hi, Shane, it's Jill Skibba again, I was wondering if I could ask you one more question.

Shane: Sure!

Jill: [laughing] My dad wasn't a nice guy.

So I guess my question is, did he have to request this, or could the family have requested his leaving the military for him?

Shane: It's, it's something that he would've had to instigate.

It-- it-- it's a very drawn-out process, and a lot of evidence and, uh, paperwork has to be gone through.

So it has to be a, a genuine situation of undue hardship.

- Well, that's... great.

Shane: Glad I could help!

- All right, Shane, thank you again so much, I appreciate it.

Shane: Hey, no problem.

- Okay, well, that answers that, right?

I didn't expect to find a heart underneath all of this.

Through my life, it-- I didn't see a lot of that, so it's nice to know that he cared greatly for this woman who took care of him.

I can't even remember my father right now, I can only focus on who this person was.

This is good.

I like this person.

I feel bad for this person.

And I didn't ever feel bad for my dad.

So... yeah.

♪♪ When I started this journey, I didn't know that-- if there was any way that I could even find empathy for my father.

And I'm quite surprised at the sadness I felt for his tragic childhood and upbringing.

It really did give me some clarification how it is he became the man he did.

♪♪ I've never once had a picture of my family on the wall.

It-- it-- it's never a picture of my father.

♪♪ It makes me emotional, and I feel good having them there.

I couldn't have said that before.

I don't feel angry anymore.

I feel lighter, I feel freer.

I feel peaceful.

So I feel like this has been a real gift.

I know who my father is now.

[music fades]