>> [APPLAUSE] >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY SEASON.

FOR MY FAMILY, THE HOLIDAYS START ON THANKSGIVING.

WE HAD A TRADITIONAL MCGIVERN THANKSGIVING THIS YEAR, WHICH MEANT WE WERE AT MY SISTER COLLEEN MARY MARGARET'S HOUSE.

IN CEDARBURG, WISCONSIN.

IT USED TO BE THAT THE TRADITION WAS TO BE ON BARTLETT AVENUE ON THE EAST SIDE OF MILWAUKEE AT THE HOUSE I GREW UP IN.

BUT 12 YEARS AGO, MY MOTHER SOLD THAT HOUSE.

AND SHE BOUGHT A TWO BEDROOM, TWO BATHROOM CONDO IN GRAFTON, WISCONSIN.

SO NOW FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS, WE HAVE BEEN HAVING OUR THANKSGIVINGS AT MY SISTER COLLEEN MARY MARGARET'S HOUSE AND SHE HOSTS THE DAY, BUT WE ALL HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES.

AND ALL OF THOSE RESPONSIBILITIES DEAL WITH FOOD.

MY SISTER MAUREEN MARY MARGARET, THINK ABOUT IT -- HER JOB IS TO BRING THE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE.

WITH THE DURKEE ONION TOPPING AND THE DINNER ROLLS.

MY BROTHER MICHAEL BRINGS THE SWEET POTATOES WITH THE MARSHMALLOW TOPPING AND THE PISTACHIO FLUFF.

WHAT IS THAT?

MY JOB IS TO BRING A SEVEN TO NINE POUND TURKEY BREAST, BECAUSE MY SISTER OF COURSE, SINCE THERE'S -- THERE'S LIKE 28 OF US WHO COME OVER FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER, MY SISTER MAKES A 30-POUND TURKEY, BUT SHE WANT ME TO BRING THE 7 TO 9-POUND TURKEY BREAST, BECAUSE SHE SAYS NOWADAYS, MOST PEOPLE EAT WHITE MEAT SOCKS I BRING THAT.

MY MOTHER'S JOB IS TO BRING THE MASHED POTATOES AND THE MASHED POTATOES ONLY.

EVEN THOUGH SHE ALWAYS BRINGS THAT OTHER DISH.

THAT NOBODY GIVES A CRAP ABOUT.

THAT DISH THAT NO ONE EVER TOUCHES.

UNTIL SOMEBODY TOWARDS THE END OF THE MEAL FEELS SO GUILTY THAT THEY TAKE A LITTLE SLICE OF HER CRANBERRY DISH.

THIS YEAR WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS THAT ON NOVEMBER 16th, MY MOTHER HAD SURGERY.

SHE CALLED ME IN THE MIDDLE OF OCTOBER AND SHE SAID, OH MY GOD, JOHN, I FOUND OUT TODAY THAT I HAVE CATARACTS.

I SAID, OH, WERE YOU AT THE DOCTOR AND SHE SAID NO, I WAS AT SHOPKO.

MY MOTHER FOUND OUT SHE HAS CATARACTS AT SHOPKO.

I SAID WHO TOLD YOU AT SHOPKO THAT YOU HAVE CATARACTS?

AND SHE SAID, THE SHOPKO EYE LADY.

I SAID MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A SECOND OPINION, LIKE MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TO WAL-MART.

SO OF COURSE SHE WENT TO THE DOCTOR, THE DOCTOR SAYS, YES, YOU'RE 82 AND YOU HAVE CATARACTS.

SO WE ARE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THE FIRST EYE ON NOVEMBER 16th.

AND THE SECOND EYE WE WILL TAKE CARE OF DECEMBER 14th.

SO MY MOTHER HAD HER FIRST EYE DONE ON NOVEMBER 16th AND AFTER A DAY OF WEARING THE PATCH, SHE CALLED ME AND SHE SAID OH MY GOD, JOHN, I HAD NO HEIDI THINGS WERE SO BRIGHT.

I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND I THOUGHT, WOW, I HAVE A LOT OF WRINKLES.

AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME MY LIPSTICK WAS SO RED AND I THOUGHT I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO GET THE SECOND EYE DONE.

SO SEEING THAT MY MOTHER HAD EYE SURGERY, MY SISTER COLLEEN MARY MARGARET, WHO TAKES CARE OF EVERYTHING AROUND THANKSGIVING, WHATEVER WE DON'T BRING, MY SISTER PROVIDES IT ALL.

MY SISTER CALLED AND SAID, LET'S NOT HAVE MOM MAKE THE MASHED POTATOES THIS YEAR, SINCE SHE HAD THE EYE SURGERY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE MASHED POTATOES AND I SAID THAT'S SO GREAT, MOM WILL FEEL AT PEACE AROUND THAT.

TWO DAYS BEFORE THANKSGIVING, MY MOTHER CALLED ME AND SHE SAID JOHN, COULD YOU BRING THE CAN -- CRANBERRY DISH, I THOUGHT, OH, CRAP.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T -- MAYBE WE DON'T NEED THE CRANBERRY DISH THIS YEAR.

SHE SAID NO, NO, JOHN, IT'S TRADITION.

BRING THE CRANBERRY DISH, BRING THE ONE I BRING, IT'S A VERY, VERY, VERY EASY DISH.

I SAID I KNOW, MOM, IT'S IN THE SHAPE OF A CAN.

IT'S THAT GELATINOUS CAN CRANBERRY CRAP THAT A CAN HAS NEVER TOUCHED ANY PART OF THAT AND I SAID OK, MOM, I'LL BRING A CRANBERRY DISH BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO BE YOURS.

AND SHE SAID JOHN, JUST BRING A CRANBERRY DISH IT'S THANKSGIVING.

SO I MADE A CRANBERRY DISH WITH CINNAMON AND WALNUTS AND PECANS AND IT WAS A RELISH AND MY MOTHER LOOKED AT IT AND I SWEAR TO THE LORD THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID, OH MY GOD, IS IT BRIGHT.

AND THEN SHE TOOK A BITE AND SHE SAID IT'S QUITE DELICIOUS, JOHN.

MAYBE I SHOULD GET THE RECIPE.

AS A MOTHER, YOU'LL NEVER -- I SAID MOTHER, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE THIS.

OH, SURE, NO, I MIGHT MAKE IT.

NEXT THANKSGIVING WHEN I HAVE TWO GOOD EYES.

I SAID, MOTHER, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

I AM SURE OF IT MOM.

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

I SAID BECAUSE THERE'S NOT ONE INGREDIENT IN THIS DISH THAT IS BOILED.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT, IRISH LADY.

AND SHE SAID, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD, BUT ON NOVEMBER 6, I WON AN EMMY AWARD AND -- [APPLAUSE] >> THANK YOU.

IT WAS A SHOW THAT WAS PRODUCED BY MPTV CALLED "THE EARLY STORIES OF JOHN MCGIVERN" IT PLAYED IN MILWAUKEE AND THEN IT PLAYED IN 18PBS MARKETS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

WELL, THAT'S THE PICTURE THAT I SENT MY MOTHER THAT NIGHT.

AND MY MOTHER, WHEN SHE RECEIVED THAT PICTURE SAID I WOULD LOVE TO GET THAT PICTURE BLOWN UP AND MATTED AND FRAMED SO THAT I CAN PUT THAT ON THE FAMILY WALL AND WHEN MY MOTHER SAID THE FAMILY WALL, I KNEW EXACTLY WHERE SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S THAT WALL OPPOSITE HER TV IN THE FAMILY ROOM AND IF YOU EVER VISIT MY MOTHER'S CONDO, TAKE A LOOK, IT'S A WALL THAT'S FULL OF PICTURES OF ALL OF THOSE THAT CAME BEFORE ME, THOSE GENERATIONS OF MCGIVERNS, AND THOSE WHO CARRIED THE BLOOD THAT I CARRY TODAY, TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT THOSE PICTURES, THERE'S PICTURES OF FAMILIES AROUND CHRISTMAS TREES, AND FAMILIES AROUND THANKSGIVING TABLES, AND INDIVIDUAL SHOTS OF MY GRANDMA, MARIE O'FAHEY, THE DAY SHE GRADUATED FROM DOWNER TEACHER COLLEGE BEFORE SHE STARTED TEACHING IN ST.

CLOUD, WISCONSIN.

THERE'S A PICTURE OF MY GREAT GRANDPA ANDY MCGIVERN, A YEAR AFTER HE CAME OVER FROM COUNTY MAYO, IRELAND, STANDING SO STERN AND PROUD IN FRONT OF A FARM IN CENTRAL WISCONSIN.

THERE'S A PICTURE OF MY GRANDPA GEORGE O'FAHEY STANDING IN AN ENGINEER OUTFIT IN FRONT OF A TRAIN, HE WORKED FOR THE MILWAUKEE ROAD, THE MIDWEST HIAWATHA LINE, IT WENT FROM TWO RIVERS UP TO MINOQUA, THAT'S THE WALL OF FAMILY HISTORY AND THAT'S THE WALL MY MOM WANT THE PICTURE BLOWN UP TO BE PUT ON THE WALL.

SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT IT QUITE THAT BIG, SO I WILL HAVE THAT MATTED AND I WILL HAVE THAT FRAMED AND I WILL GIVE THAT TO MY MOTHER FOR CHRISTMAS AND LITTLE DOES MY MOTHER KNOW WHAT A CHRISTMAS GIFT THAT IS TO ME TO HAVE THAT PICTURE END UP ON OUR FAMILY WALL.

BECAUSE I LOOK BACK AND I WONDER, HOW THIS BOY WHO GREW UP IN THAT FIRST FLOOR FLAT OF A DUPLEX ON BARTLETT AVENUE ON THE EAST SIDE OF MILWAUKEE ENDED UP STANDING ON A STAGE ACCEPTING THIS PRESTIGIOUS AWARD.

AND I REALIZE, I DO REALIZE THAT THESE STORIES THAT I TELL ARE LIKE A ROAD MAP.

THEY'RE LIKE A AAA TRIP TIK, THEY'RE LIKE A GPS NAVIGATION SYSTEM.

THAT RETRACES THE JOURNEY THAT BROUGHT ME RIGHT HERE WITH YOU TONIGHT.

THESE ARE MY STORIES.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

[APPLAUSE] ♪ >> TO AT 11, I GOT >> SO AT 11 I GOT MY FIRST JOB, IT WAS DELIVERING "THE MILWAUKEE JOURNAL" SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY, 3:15 P.M.

THE BELL WOULD RING AT SCHOOL AND I'D RUN HOME AND I'D HAVE ALL OF MY NEWSPAPERS DELIVERED BY 5:00 P.M. SATURDAY, IT WAS LIKE A DAY OF VACATION, BECAUSE "THE MILWAUKEE JOURNAL" WAS THIS THIN.

I DIDN'T EVEN NEED A WAGON TO DELIVER, I JUST NEEDED MY JOURNAL BAG AND IT WAS LIKE A DAY OF VACATION, A DAY OF LEISURE IN PREPARATION FOR THE NEXT DAY, WHICH WAS THE DAY FROM HELL.

BECAUSE THE SUNDAY JOURNAL HAD TO BE DELIVERED BETWEEN 3:00 A.M. AND 5:00 A.M. AND IT WAS A PAPER THAT WAS THIS THICK.

SO THEY DIDN'T EVEN FIT IN THE WAGON, WHICH MEANT BY DAD HAD TO HELP ME.

HE HAD TO DRIVE ME IN THE RAMBLER STATION WAGON.

HE WOULD WAKE ME UP AT 3:00 A.M.

IN THE MORNING ON SUNDAY AND WE WOULD DRIVE DOWN TO THE BASE OF BARTLETT AVENUE TO PICK UP MY 72 PAPERS.

HE WOULD PUT THEM IN THE WAY-BACK OF THE RAMBLER STATION WAG I DON'T KNOW AND THEN DRIVE TO THE CORNER OF OAKLAND AND KENWOOD ON THE EAST SIDE OF MILWAUKEE BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE MY NEWSPAPER ROUTE STARTED.

IT WAS A THREE BLOCK PAPER ROUTE THAT WENT FROM OAKLAND AND KENWOOD DOWN TO RIVERSIDE PARK, RIGHT DOWN OAKLAND AVENUE.

72 PAPERS, A PAPER ROUTE THAT I BOUGHT FROM MY BROTHER JIMMY.

SO IT HAD BEEN IN THE FAMILY FOR YEARS.

WE'D GET TO THE CORNER AND MY FATHER, 3:30 A.M.

IN THE MORNING ON SUNDAY WOULD OPEN UP THAT BACK OF THE RAMBLER STATION WAGON, HE WOULD GET BACK IN TO THE WARM CAR AND DRIVE SLOWLY DOWN OAKLAND AVENUE, AS I RAN FROM CAR TO HOUSE.

MY FATHER WOULD GO SLOWLY BUT SOMETIMES HE'D GO REALLY FAST.

AND I COULD HEAR HIM LAUGHING.

AND I WANTED TO YELL, WAIT UP.

WHERE DO YOU HAVE TO BE AT 4:40 A.M.

IN THE MORNING?

HE WANTED THE PAPER ROUTE DONE BY 5:30 A.M., SO BY 20 TO 6, WE COULD BE SITTING AT ST. PETER AND PAUL CHURCH FOR THE 6:00 A.M. SUNDAY MASS, A MASS MY FATHER ENJOYED.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT WAS A HALF-HOUR MASS.

SO BY 20 TO 7, WE WERE SITTING ON THE CORNER OF OAKLAND AND LOCUST AT A PLACE CALLED GEORGE WEBB, WHERE MY FATHER WOULD BUY ME THE CHEAPEST BREAKFAST, WE'D BE OUT OF THERE BY 10 AFTER 7 AND HE WOULD WALK TO A PLACE CALLED EAST SIDE FOODS WHERE HE BOUGHT TWO POUNDS OF BOILED HAM AND TWO DOZEN HARD ROLLS FOR $1.98.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE FEASTED ON ALL DAY SUNDAY.

I LOVED MY PAPER ROUTE.

WHAT I LOVED MOST ABOUT IT WAS THURSDAY.

NOT DELIVERING THE PAPER, BUT THURSDAY AFTER SUPPER DOING SOMETHING CALLED COLLECTING.

I LOVED COLLECTING ON THURSDAY AFTER SUPPER.

IF ANY OF YOU IN THIS ROOM KNOW ME, YOU KNOW HOW I AM.

I'M INCREDIBLY ORGANIZED.

EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS ORGANIZED, ALL OF MY CLOTHES ARE ORGANIZED.

IF YOU LOOKED AT MY DESK, YOU WOULD BE LIKE HAS ANYONE EVER SAT HERE AND I WAS THAT WAY WHEN I WAS 11.

PEOPLE USED TO SAY HE'S SO ORGANIZED, WHEN THEY SHOULD SAID HE HAS OCD.

SO I LOVE THE WHOLE RITUAL OF COLLECTING.

THAT BOOK THAT YOU HAD WITH THE TWO BIG RINGS WHERE YOU MARKED AN X WHERE I HAD ALL MY DOLLARS FACE UP IN MY POCKET.

IT WAS JUST -- I LOVED ALL OF IT.

IT COST 70 CENTS TO GET A PAPERBACK THERE SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.

I PRAYED THAT EACH CUSTOMER WOULD GIVE US -- GIVE ME A DOLLAR, WHICH MEANT THAT I WOULD GET A 30-CENT TIP AND I PUSHED THE ISSUE.

THEY'D HAND ME A DOLLAR AND I'D BE LIKE -- ♪ THEY'D HAVE TO EITHER SAY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST KEEP IT, OR COULD I GET MY CHANGE?

OH, SURE.

YEAH, SURE.

I'D COLLECT ON THURSDAY.

IF I DIDN'T FINISH MY COLLECTION ON THURSDAY, I WOULD FINISH IT ON FRIDAY SO SATURDAY MORNING I COULD WALK DOWN TO THE BASE BARTLETT AVENUE TO PAY MY PAPER ROUTE BILL AND EVERY MONDAY I HAD TO MAKE SURE I WAS HOME BY 4:30 P.M., I HAD TO FINISH MY PAPER ROUTE BY 4:30 P.M. ON MONDAYS, BECAUSE MONDAYS AT 4:30 P.M., MY FATHER PUT ME IN THE BACK OF THE RAMBLER STATION WAGON AND WE DROVE TO THE CORNER OF OAKLAND AND LOCUST ACROSS FROM GEORGE WEBB AND WE WANT TO A PLACE CALLED BADGER FEDERAL SAVINGS AND LOAN.

BECAUSE WHEN I WAS IN SIXTH GRADE, MY FATHER OPENED UP A SAVINGS ACCOUNT IN MY NAME AND HE REMINDED ME FOR YEARS THAT I'M THE CO-SIGNER.

LIKE I WAS GOING TO TAKE THE MONEY OUT AND MOVE TO MEXICO.

OR SOMETHING.

I LOVED MY PAPER ROUTE.

MOSTLY WHAT I LOVED -- CHRISTMAS AND THE PAPER ROUTE, BECAUSE EVERY YEAR, "THE MILWAUKEE JOURNAL" FURNISHED ITS PAPER BOYS WITH CHRISTMAS CALENDARS.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE GAVE TO OUR CUSTOMERS AS CHRISTMAS GIFTS, AND THEN WE PRAYED THAT THEY WOULD GIVE US A DOLLAR.

AND I WAS A SMART BOY BACK THEN.

I NEVER JUST DROPPED OFF THE CALENDAR.

WHEN I DELIVERED THE PAPER.

I NEVER JUST GAVE THEM THE CALENDAR WHEN I COLLECTED ON THURSDAY.

WHAT I WOULD DO, I WOULD GO ON WEDNESDAY AFTER SUPPER WHEN THEY LEAST EXPECTED ME.

AND I WOULD ALWAYS GO DRESSED AS AN ELF FROM HEAD TO TOE E. I BORROWED MY SISTER'S TIGHT.

WHICH I LOVED.

I REMEMBER THAT WEDNESDAY, THAT FIRST TIME I GAVE THEIR GIFT TO -- GAVE THE GIFT TO MY CUSTOMERS.

THE FIRST BUILDING ON MY PAPER ROUTE WAS ON ITS CORNER OF OAKLAND AND KENWOOD.

IT WAS AN APARTMENT BUILDING THAT STILL STANDS TODAY, A FOUR STORY APARTMENT BUILDING, BUT ON ITS FIRST FLOOR, THERE WERE ONLY TWO APARTMENTS, 101 AND 102 AND I DELIVERED TO 102.

I CAN REMEMBER GOING THAT FIRST YEAR I HAD THE PAPER ROUTE, GOING DRESSED AS AN ELF TO DELIVER, TO GIVE THE GIFTS AND I KNOCKED ON APARTMENT 102, AND WHO OPENED THE DOOR BUT PHIL.

PHIL, WHO WAS BRUCE'S ROOMMATE.

AND PHIL SAID OH MY GOD.

WHAT AN ADORABLE LITTLE ELF.

BRUCE, YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THIS.

BRUCE CAME TO THE DOOR AND THEY LOOKED AT ME, AND THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER, AND THEY GAVE EACH OTHER A LOOK.

I DIDN'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE THINKING THEN, BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE THINKING NOW.

THEY WERE THINKING, ONE SLIPPER ON THE RUNWAY.

BRUCE SAID HOLD ON ONE SECOND AND HE CAME BACK WITH A CRISP $5 BILL.

AND HANDED IT TO ME AND I SAID -- ♪ HE SAID YOU KEEP THAT.

BECAUSE YOU'RE A GOOD PAPER BOY.

AND PHIL SAID AND YOU'RE AN ADORABLE LITTLE ELF.

5 BUCKS.

$5.

I THOUGHT, $5, IF I GET $5 FROM ALL OF MY CUSTOMERS, THAT WILL BE $360.

I COULD PUT INTO MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT AT BADGER FEDERAL SAVINGS AND LOAN.

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

MOST OF THE CUSTOMERS GAVE ME A BUCK.

AND THAT FIRST BLOCK ON MY PAPER ROUTE WAS KENWOOD TO LYNNWOOD ON OAKLAND AVENUE AND IT WAS ALL APARTMENT BUILDING AND DUPLEXES AND SINGLE FAMILY HOMES AND MEMBERS OF THOSE PEOPLE GAVE ME A DOLLAR.

THEN THE SECOND BLOCK WAS OAKLAND AVENUE BETWEEN LINWOOD AND LOCUST.

IF YOU KNOW THE EAST SIDE OF MILWAUKEE, YOU KNOW IT'S ALL BUSINESSES.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW IT, TAKE A LOOK NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN MILWAUKEE.

IT'S ALL THOSE BUSINESSES ON THE EAST SIDE.

WHEN I WAS A KID, IT WAS MY DOWNTOWN.

WHEN I WAS A KID, IF I EVER SPENT ANY MONEY, I SPENT IT THERE.

IF I HAD ANY DREAMS, I PLANTED THEM ON OAKLAND AVENUE BETWEEN LINWOOD AND LOCUST.

MY DOWNTOWN.

THE FIRST BUSY DELIVERED THE PAPER TO -- BUSINESS, I DELIVERED THE PAPER TO WAS A PLACE CALLED THE FRENN.

ROOM, A HAIR SALON, WHICH TODAY IT'S STILL A HAIR SALON CALLED CLOUD NINE BUT THEN IT WAS THE FRENCH ROOM AND WHETHER I WAS A KID, I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY FROM FRANCE.

IT HAD THE SLANTED LETTERS THAT MADE IT LOOK SO FRENCH AND YOU COULDN'T LOOK IN BECAUSE IT HAD WINDOWS THAT WERE COVERED WITH IMAGES OF HAIRDO'S FROM AN ERA WHERE THE TRUE TOOLS OF BEAUTY WERE A TEASING COMB AND A HAIR DRYER THE SIZE OF A SMALL CAR AND ANY TIME YOU WALKED NEAR THE BUILDING, YOU COULD SMELL THE PERM SOLUTION.

I WOULD DELIVER THE PAPER EVERY DAY AND WHO WAS SITTING BEHIND THE RECEPTION DESK BUT THE OWNER, WHOSE NAME WAS FRENCHIE.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS FRENCH.

I REALLY DID.

UNTIL SHE OPENED HER MOUTH.

AND THEN I THOUGHT, SHE MUST BE FROM THE SOUTH SIDE.

SHE HAD A HUGE BLONDE BEEHIVE HAIRDO AND EYE LINER THAT WENT TO THE MIDDLE OF HER TEMPLES AND THE REDDEST LIPS, REDDER THAN MY MOTHER HAND SHE SAT BEHIND THE RECEPTION DESK SMOKING NONFILTERRED CIGARETTES.

NONSTOP.

WHEN I WAS A KID, THE SMELL OF THE CIGARETTES AND THE SMELL OF THE PERM SOLUTION, I BELIEVED THAT THE PLACE WAS GOING TO BLOW.

SHE'D SIT THERE AND WHEN I CAME IN WITH THE CHRISTMAS CALENDAR, SHE SAID, STEP BACK IN THAT LITTLE OUTFIT.

STEP BACK.

AND I STEPPED BACK AND SHE SAID, OH -- YOU'RE ADORABLE.

YOU'RE SO THEATRICAL.

SHE REACHED INTO HER TILL AND GAVE ME A $5 BILL AND SHE SAID YOU KEEP THAT.

BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST PAPER BOY.

AND YOU'RE A GREAT LITTLE ELF.

NEXT TO HER WAS LISA'S PIZZA, A PLACE THAT STILL STANDS TODAY, I USED TO DELIVER THE PAPER INTO THE KITCHEN AND IF I TIMED IT JUST RIGHT, ONE OF THE BROTHERS WOULD SAY, MCGIVERN, YOU NEED A SLICE.

SURE.

AND IF I WALKED SLOW ENOUGH AND ATE FAST ENOUGH, HE'D SAY, YOU NEED ANOTHER SLICE IS THIS SURE.

SURE.

THESE AREN'T BOILED, ARE THEY?

I ALWAYS GOT A CARD AND ON IT SAYS MR. AND MRS. MCGIVERN, I KNEW TO GIVE THAT TO MY PARENTS BECAUSE SHE KNEW THEM FROM CHURCH AND SHE GAVE ME A CARD AND IT SAID JOHN, OUR PAPER BOY AND IN IT WAS THREE CRISP DOLLAR BILLS AND INSIDE WAS $3 AND PIZZA ALL YEAR-ROUND.

AND NEXT TO HER WAS MR. TAYLOR, HE HAD THE THICKEST GERMAN ACCENT AND HE HARDLY EVER SPOKED, HE WOULD JUST NOD HIS HEAD WHEN YOU DELIVERED THE PAPER.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT, I THINK HE WANTS TO SPANK ME OR SOMETHING.

I WAS DRESSED AS THAT ELF AND GAVE HIM THAT CALENDAR AND HE SAID, THANK YOU.

AND HE SMILED AT ME, AND HE SAID, YOU'RE A GOOD PAPER BOY.

AND A CUTE ELF.

I THOUGHT, WOW, WHEN HE GAVE ME THAT DOLLAR, I THOUGHT, WOW, HE SMILED, AND HE GAVE ME A DOLLAR.

NASTY SO MUCH BETTER THAN A -- THAT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN A SPANKING.

NEXT TO HIM WAS MR. O'DONNELL, THE RED FACE THE IRISHMAN THAT LOOK LIKE EVERY ONE OF MY RELATIVES, THE BARBER ON OAKLAND AVENUE.

I REMEMBER FIRST GETTING THE PAPER ROUTE FROM MY BROTHER AND HE SAID YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE MR. O'DONNELL.

I REMEMBER GOING IF THERE ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES WITH A PAPER WHEN HIS CHAIR WAS EMPTY AND HE SAID MCGIVERN, WANT TO TAKE A LOAD OFF?

I DON'T HAVE TO POOP.

NO, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A SEAT?

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW, OK. SURE.

SO IF THE CHAIR WAS EMPTY, I'D JUMP IN AND HAVE A SEAT.

ONE DAY WHEN I WAS TAKING A LOAD OFF, MR. O'DONNELL REACHED IN TO A DRAWER THAT I NEVER KNEW OPENED UNDERNEATH THE BARBERCIDE SOLUTION AND HE HANDED ME A MAGAZINE AND HE OPENED IT UP.

OH.

SHE'S PRETTY.

IS SHE A RELATIVE?

THIS WOULD NEVER MAKE IT TO OUR FAMILY WALL OF PICTURES.

MR. O'DONNELL ALWAYS GAVE ME A COUPLE BUCKS, HE GAVE ME A CARD AND ON IT SAID MCGIVERN AND I KNEW TO GIVE THAT TO MY DAD BECAUSE HE KNEW MY DAD FROM CHURCH.

AT CHURCH, THEY WOULD SAY AMCGIVERN, MY DAD WOULD SAY HEY O'DONNELL, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IRISH PEOPLE GREETED EACH OTHER.

PAST THE MEAT MARKET, PAST SPIC AND SPAN, I PASSED THEM ALL UNTIL I GOT TO MY FAVORITE PLACE ON THE BLOCK, ECONO DRUGSTORE.

I USED TO CALL IT ECONOOO DRUG STORY, BECAUSE THE E NEVER WORKED.

THE POLISH MAN HAD THE CLEAREST, BLUEST, KINDEST EYES.

I WOULD AND HIM HIS CALENDAR AND HE'D SAY, COME WITH ME, JOHN AND HE'D SET ME ON A STOOL THERE, AT HIS SODA FOUNTAIN AND HE'D MAKE ME A STRAWBERRY MALTED IN A STAINLESS STEEL CONTAINER THAT HE WOULD TAKE OFF THE MIXER AND POUR IT IN TO A HUGE GLASS AND HE WOULD LEAVE THAT STAINLESS STEEL CONTAINER ON THE COUNTER UNTIL I WAS ALMOST FINISH AND THEN HE'D COME AND FILL IT UP AGAIN.

AND SERVED IT WITH A BAG OF GEISER POTATOES CHIPS.

BE WISER, BUY GEISER, A MANTRA WE KNEW GROWING UP IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN.

AND THEN TO THE PLACE ON THE BLOCK WHEN I FIRST GOT THE PAPER ROUTE SCARED ME, IT SCARED ME BAD.

IT WAS A PLACE RIGHT THERE ON THE CORNER OF OAKLAND AND LOCUST, PLOTKIN'S DELI, AUGURER WISH DELI ON THE EAST SIDE OF MILWAUKEE AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU IT SCARED ME BECAUSE I KNEW THE PEOPLE WHO OWNED IT WERE JEWISH.

YOU NEED TO KNOW LUTHERANS SCARED ME BACK THEN TOO.

ANYTHING THAT WASN'T CATHOLIC JUST SCARED ME.

I LEARNED TO LOVE THE PLOTKINS MORE THAN ANYONE ON THE ROUTE.

WHY?

BECAUSE THEY MOVED TO FEED THEIR PAPER BOYS.

FIRST TIME I EVER ATE CORNED BEEF, PASTRAMI, THE FIRST TIME I SAW PICKLES IN A JAR THAT WERE THIS BIG.

THE FIRST TIME I HAD RYE BREAD THAT HAD CAREWAY SEEDS MORE THAN IT EVER NEEDED.

THE FIRST TIME I WALKED IN, MR. PLOTKIN SAID TRY THIS, AND I TRIED IT AND I SAID OH THAT WAS SO GOOD, WHAT WAS IT AND HE SAID TONGUE.

I SAID, I LOVE IT.

I REMEMBER GIVING MR. PLOTKIN HIS CHRISTMAS CALENDAR, WISHING MR. PLOTKIN A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND YOU THINK HE WOULD HAVE SAID, NO.

HE TOOK IT LIKE HE WANTED IT.

HE TOOK IT LIKE HE NEEDED IT.

HE TOOK IT LIKE HE HAD BEEN WAITING FOR IT.

MR. PLOTKINS, HE GAVE ME A COUPLE OF BUCKS, AND TOLD ME THAT I WAS A GOOD PAPER BOY.

AND A CUTE ELF.

AND A VERY GOOD EATER.

FOR THREE YEARS, I PULLED A WAGON FULL OF LOCAL NEWS AND ON THIS ONE BLOCK, ON THE EAST SIDE OF MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, I EXPERIENCED THE WORLD, THE FRENCH, GERMAN, POLISH, IRISH, ITALIAN, JEWISH SHOP KEEPERS GAVE ME A GLIMPSE INTO A WORLD OUTSIDE THE CITY.

THEY GAVE ME A GLIMPSE INTO A WORLD OUTSIDE THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

THEY PREPARED ME TO FIND OTHER DOWNTOWNS AND FIND THEM, I DID.

I GRADUATED FROM EIGHTH GRADE IN 1968, AND BETWEEN MY EIGHTH GRADE GRADUATION AN MY BEGINNING FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, I SOLD MY PAPER ROUTE TO MY BROTHER MICHAEL.

WE KEPT IT IN THE FAMILY.

AND I ASKED MY BROTHER MICHAEL IF HE WANTED TO BUY MY ELF COSTUME.

AND HE SAID, NO.

NO WAY.

I ENTERED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL AS 1,000 -- WITH $1,283 IN BADGER FEDERAL SAVINGS AN LOAN AND FROM THAT MOMENT ON THERE WAS AN UNDERSTANDING, AN UNSPOKEN UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN MY WORLD WAR II VETERAN FATHER AND ME AND THAT UNDERSTANDING WAS THAT MY FATHER'S THIRD SON, ONE OF HIS BOYS, JOHN, WAS NOT LAZY.

[APPLAUSE] >> WHEN I LOOK BACK, GROWING UP ON THE EAST SIDE OF MILWAUKEE AND I THINK ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS, THERE IS THREE THINGS THAT ARE SO INCREDIBLY CLEAR TO ME TO THIS DAY AND THOSE THREE THINGS THAT I REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS ON THE EAST SIDE OF MILWAUKEE WERE TOYS AND TREES AND ANNUAL VISITS TO THE LAP OF SANTA.

ALL OF THE TOYS THAT WE GOT GROWING UP WITH THESE INCREDIBLY CRAFTED WOODEN TOYS.

MY FATHER WAS A BRICK LAYING WELDER, WHICH IS CALLED A UNION MASON, BUT HE WAS ALSO A GIFTED CARPENTER, SO ALL OF THE TOYS THAT WE GOT FROM SANTA EVERY YEAR WERE THESE INCREDIBLY CRAFTED WOODEN TOYS.

WE GOT A WOODEN TRAIN SET, WE GOT A WOODEN BOWLING SET, WE GOT WOODEN GUNS, AND WHEN YOU'RE SEVEN YEARS OLD AND YOU GET A WOODEN GUN FROM SANTA, YOU THINK, OH.

WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP.

BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT WE WANTED.

WE WANTED SOMETHING THAT BOBBY WAZLIEWSKI GOT.

WE WANTED SOMETHING PLASTIC, LIKE THE PLASTIC BAZOOKA JOE GUN THAT FIRED THE PLASTIC TORPEDOES.

IT ONLY FIRED THEM THIS FAR, BUT WHAT WOULD IT FIRE?

NOTHING.

AND YOU'D ASK MY DAD, HEY DAD, HOW COME WE GET ALL THIS WOODEN STUFF AND MY DAD WOULD SAY BECAUSE SANTA KNOWS THAT I'M A CARPENTER.

WELL WHO TOLD HIM?

MY SISTERS GOT THIS INCREDIBLY CRAFTED WOODEN DOLL HOWLS.

A TWO STORY DOLL HOUSE, WHERE THE BEDROOMS WERE ON THE SECOND FLOOR.

WE WERE RAISED ON THE FIRST FLOOR FLAT OF A DUPLEX.

BEDROOMS ON THE SECOND FLOOR?

WE THOUGHT SANTA MADE A MISTAKE AND THAT HE MEANT TO DELIVER THIS TO A GIRL WHO LIVED NEAR THE LAKE.

AND ALL OF THESE TOYS WERE FOUND WRAPPED, THESE WOODEN TOYS WERE FOUND WRAPPED UNDERNEATH THE TREE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING.

THIS JUST SO YOU KNOW IS A FAKE TREE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT WE NEVER EVER HAD A FAKE TREE GROWING UP EVER.

WE HAD A FRESH-CUT WHITE PINE TREE.

I GREW UP BELIEVING THAT THE WHITE FINE WAS THE MCGIVERN TRADITION, AND IT WALLS THE MCGIVERN TRADITION AND THEN I GREW UP AND I BECAME AN ADULT AND FOUND OUT THAT THE WHITE PINE IS JUST REALLY CHEAP TREE.

WHICH MY FATHER WOULD GO SHOPPING FOR A FEW WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS ON A FRIDAY AFTER WORK WITH FIVE OF HIS BRICK LAYING BUDDIES.

SIX BRICK LAYERS GOING CHRISTMAS TREE SHOPPING AFTER WORK ON A FRIDAY.

THINK ABOUT IT.

NOT BEFORE THEY STOPPED AT THE UPTOWNER.

ON THE CORNER OF HUMBOLDT AND CENTER, WHERE THEY WOULD EACH BUY A ROUND OF PABST BLUE RIBBON BEERS, SIX BEERS LATER, THEY WOULD GET INTO THEIR CARS AND DRIVE.

OH, THOSE WERE THE GOOD TOLD DAYS.

- - GOOD OLD DAYS.

THEY WOULD DRIVE TO THE CORNER OF 18th AND BURLEIGH TO A PLACE CALLED THE ODD LOT TREE LOT.

WHERE YOU COULD BUY A $3, $4, OR A $5 WHITE PINE TREE AND SEEING THAT IT WAS THE ODD LOT TREE LOT, THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ALL OF THE TREES.

THE $3 TREE STOOD LIKE THIS.

THE $4 TREE WAS A LITTLE BETTER.

AND THE 5-DOLLAR TREE WAS ALMOST PERFECT, SO MY FATHER ALWAYS SPLURGED AND BOUGHT A $4 TREE.

WHICH HE WOULD TIE WITH TWINE AROUND THE ROOF OF OUR RAMBLER STATION WAGON AND HEAD BACK TO THE EAST SIDE OF MILWAUKEE, SIX BEERS LATER.

YOU GO, DAD.

WHERE MY MOTHER HAD BEEN WAITING, LOOKING OUT THE MIDDLE WINDOW OF OUR FIRST FLOOR FLAT IN THAT DUPLEX, WAITING, LOOKING FOR MY FATHER TO TURN THE CORNER WITH THE NEW TREE, AT 5:30 P.M., MY MOTHER WAS HOPEFUL.

BY 10 TO 7, MY MOTHER WAS PISSED.

BECAUSE MY FATHER PROMISED HE WASN'T GOING TO STOP AFTER WORK.

WELL, ONCE SHE SAW HIM PULL UP IN FRONT OF 3131 NORTH BARTLETT AVENUE, SHE WOULD GO IN TO THE FRONT HALL CLOSET AND SHE WOULD GET A WIRE HANGAR, AND THEN SHE WOULD DISASSEMBLE THE WIRE HANGAR IN LIKE A MINUTE, BECAUSE WHEN MY MOM IS PISSED, SHE'S REALLY STRONG.

AND SHE'D BE STANDING THERE WITH THE WIRE HANGAR AND IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO DO WITH THAT HANGAR, YOU YOU WANTED TO YELL, NO, DAD.

DON'T COME IN.

BUT YOU KNEW WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO DO.

MY FATHER WOULD COME IN WITH THE CROOKED TRUNK TREE AND HE WOULD PUT IT IN THAT RED AND GREEN TREE STAND AND HE WOULD TIGHTEN IT UP AND THE TREE WOULD BE STANDING LIKE THIS.

AND MY MOTHER, WOULD PUT ONE INTO THAT WIRE HANGAR ON TO THE TRUNK OF THE CROOKED TREE AND THE OTHER END, SHE WOULD FASTEN ON TO THE LOCK OF THE MIDDLE WINDOW.

MY MOTHER COULD MAKE THAT CROOKED TRUNK TREE STAND STRAIGHT.

HER FOOD WAS CRAP, BUT COULD SHE MAKE A TREE STAND STRAIGHT.

THEN ALL DAY SATURDAY, WE WOULD DECORATE THAT TREE WITH THE SAME RED LIGHTS WE USED EVERY YEAR.

THE SAME ORNAMENTS THAT I REMEMBER SO CLEARLY AND SO FONDLY, THOSE ORNAMENTS WE USED EVERY YEAR.

THERE WERE A COUPLE OF WEIRD TREES IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

MRS. PAULINI, SHE LIVED IN THE FIRST FLOOR OF A DUPLEX TWO DOORS AWAY.

SHE HAD A SILVER ALUMINUM TREE E. DID ANYONE HAVE ONE OF THOSE TREES?

TURN UP THE LIGHTS FOR ME, PLEASE.

WHO HAD ONE THOSE -- OH.

YOU HAD ONE, MA'AM?

DO YOU STILL HAVE IT?

>> YES.

>> OH.

WHO THE HELL STILL HAS IT?

YOU KNOW IT'S WORTH A LOOT OF MONEY NOW.

WHAT COLOR ORNAMENTS DO YOU HAVE ON THAT TREE?

>> RED, BLUE, SILVER AND GOLD.

>> WOW.

YOU MUST BE FROM SLINGER.

AND WHAT COLOR LIGHTS?

>> I HAVE THE GOLD, BLUE AN GREEN, THE TURN ONES.

>> YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

WHEN YOU ASK SOMEBODY ABOUT THE LIGHTS ON THEIR SILVER ALUMINUM TREE, THIS IS WHAT THEY DO.

IT'S CALLED THE LIGHT DISC.

>> YES.

>> WHO ELSE HAD ONE WITH THE LIGHT DISC?

DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS LIKE THE COOLEST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

DO YOU STILL HAVE ONE?

>> NO.

>> YOU DON'T.

>> WHAT COLOR ORNAMENTS DID YOU HAVE?

>> WE STRUNG POPCORN.

>> WOW, SHE LIVED DOWN BY THE RIVER.

THAT'S SO NICE.

LAURA INGELS IS HERE.

MRS. PAUL CONDITION INI ALWAYS HAD BLUE ORNAMENTS AND SHE HAD THE LIGHT DISC AND THAT'S ITS ONLY TIME MY FATHER WOULD LET US OUT OF THE HOUSE AFTER SUPPER ON A SCHOOL NIGHT AROUND CHRISTMAS, IT WAS TO GO WATCH MRS. PAULINI'S TREES TURN COLORS, BECAUSE NOT ONLY DID THE TREE TURN COLORS, HER WHOLE LIVING ROOM WOULD TURN COLORS, SO MY FATHER PUT ON OUR COATS, BOOTS, HATS, MITTENS AND THE WHOLE FAMILY, ALL SIX KIDS, WOULD WALK TWO DOORS DOWN.

AND STAND ON THE SIDEWALK, GOING, OH, BLUE.

OH, RED.

OH, GREEN.

WAS THAT PUKE ORANGE?

THE OTHER WEIRD TREE IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD WAS THE HOGAN'S TREE, BECAUSE THE HOGANS ALWAYS HAD A FLOCKED TREE.

WHO HAD A FLOCKED TREE HERE?

MA'AM, WHAT COLOR?

>> WHITE.

>> PINK.

>> WELCOME OUR VISITOR FROM THE SOUTH SIDE OF MILWAUKEE.

YOU'RE -- WHERE ARE YOU FROM REALLY THAT YOU HAD A PINK TREE, MA'AM?

>> I'M FROM THE NORTHWEST SIDE.

>> THEY BROUGHT MY MOM.

>> WHAT PARISH?

OH, SHE'S LIKE WHAT IS HE SAYING?

WHAT PARISH?

WHAT, ARE YOU LUTHERAN?

[LAUGHTER] IF YOU HAD A PINK TREE, WHAT COLOR BULBS ON THAT PINK TREE, MA'AM?

>> SILVER.

>> LIKE I SHOULD KNOW?

NOW YOU'RE ORDERING.

SHE HAD A PINK ONE.

WHO HAD A WHITE ONE?

WHO HAD A DIFFERENT COLOR BUT WHITE?

>> CHARTREUSE.

>> YOU HAD A FLOCKED ALUMINUM TREE?

SHE WAS FROM MEQUON OR SOMETHING.

WOW, THAT WAS SOMETHING.

SEE, THE WHITE ONES, I GET THE WHITE ONES, BUT WHO HAS NO HEIDI WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

YOU KNOW THERE'S SOMEBODY.

YOU GUYS HAVE NO HIGH -- NO IDEA, DO YOU?

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE UNDER 40?

THE GUY IS LIKE THIS.

THE ROOFER GUY, HE'S ALWAYS LIKE THIS.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED FOR YOU WHO HAVE NO HEIDI WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, MY GENERATION, THE PEOPLE WHO RAISED ME, USED TO FLOCK TREES.

AND TO FLOCK MEANS THAT YOU WOULD SPRAY THEM WITH ASBESTOS.

REMEMBER, IT WAS CANCER-CAUSING CRAP.

THEY WOULD SPRAY IT USUALLY WHITE.

AND WHAT YOU WANTED, THIS IS THE EFFECT YOU WANTED.

NOW THE PINK, I HAVE NO HEIDI WHAT THEY WERE LOOKING FOR, BUT THE WHITE, WHAT YOU WANTED, YOU WANTED SOMETHING TO WALK INTO YOUR HOUSE AFTER YOU FLOCKED YOUR TREE TO SAY THIS.

IS IT SNOWING IN HERE?

THAT'S THE EFFECT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR.

NOW THE HOGANS, THEY ALWAYS HAD THEIR TREE FLOCKED BABY BLUE.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHY EITHER.

BUT DO YOU REMEMBER ALSO, AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER THIS, BUT -- BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN WHEN YOU WERE A KID.

YEAH.

WE HAD CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS THAT WHEN YOU TOUCHED THEM, YOU WERE LIKE, OH, I HAVE BLISTERS.

YOU WOULD BURN YOUR HAND AND YOU TOUCHED IT FOR A SECOND, YOU HAD BURNT FINGERS, REMEMBER?

THEY WERE JUST SO BAD.

WELL THE HOGANS DIDN'T PUT THE INDOOR LIGHTS ON THEIR FLOCKED TREE.

THEY WOULD PUT THE OUTDOOR LIGHTS, WHERE YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO TOUCH THEM TO GET BURNED.

THEY PUT THOSE RIGHT ON THE BABY BLUE ASBESTOS.

THEN THE WHOLE HOGAN FAMILY WOULD SIT AROUND THE TREE AND SMOKE.

THE FACT THAT THEY SURVIVED EVERY CHRISTMAS IS THE TRUE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

AND I USED TO ASK MY MOM, MOM, HOW COME THE HOGAN'S TREE IS BABY BLUE, MOM?

AND SHE SAID THAT'S NOT POLITE TO ASK THAT, JOHN.

BUT MOM, HOGAN'S TREE IS BABY BLUE.

>> JOHN, DON'T ASK.

>> BUT MA, THE TREE IS BABY BLUE.

WHY?

AND FINALLY MY MOM SAID, BECAUSE THEY'RE FROM WEST ALLIS.

NO.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT.

I DIDN'T KNOW IN IT WAS GOOD OR BAD.

YOU KNOW A COUPLE WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS, MY PARENTS WOULD MAKE US PUT ON OUR CHURCH CLOTHES.

WHICH WERE GOOD SLACKS AND A SHIRT AND A CLIP-ON TIE.

AND A LITTLE SPORT COAT AND PUT US IN THE BACK OF THE RAMBLER STATION WAGON AND WE WOULD GO NORTH ON OAKLAND AVENUE UNTIL WE GOT TO CAPITAL DRIVE AND WE WOULD GO WEST ON CAPITAL DRIVE TILL WE GOT TO A CORNER OF FOND DU LAC AVENUE AND CAPITAL DRIVE, BECAUSE RIGHT THERE ON THE CORNER WAS A PLACE CALLED CAPITAL COURT MALL.

AND ON THE SOUTH END OF CAPITAL COURT MALL, THERE WAS A PLACE CALLED THE KOOKY COOKIE HOUSE, WHICH IS WHERE SANTA LIVED.

SO WHETHER I WAS A KID, I COULDN'T BELIEVE SANTA LIVED IN MILWAUKEE.

IN A COOKIE.

AND YOU WOULD GET OUT OF THE CAR AND GET INTO A MAZE THAT LOOK YOU TO THE LAP OF SANTA AND EVERY YEAR, SANTA WOULD SAY, HO, HO, HO, JOHN, SO WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS?

HONESTLY, SANTA, I'D LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S NOT WOOD.

YOU'D GET OFF HIS LAP AND YOU'D END UP IN A MAZE THAT TOOK YOU TO THE KOOKY COOKIE KITCHEN AND IN THE KOOKY COOKIE KITCHEN, THERE WERE ELVES.

WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT THE IDEA.

AND THEY WERE GIVING AWAY GINGER BREAD COOKIES THAT WEREN'T TOO BIG AND THEY WEREN'T TOO SMALL AND THEY WEREN'T TOO SWEET AND THEY WEREN'T TOO HARD, THEY WERE JUST PERFECT.

THEY WERE WHOLE GINGER BREAD COOKIES, WHOLE COOKIES, SOMETHING WE NEVER SAW BECAUSE MY PARENTS ALWAYS GOT THAT BIG BAG FROM JOHN STEM COOKIE COMPANY, A $5 BAG WITH JUST BROKEN COOKIES.

IT'S LIKE, THIS IS IT WHAT A WHOLE COOKIE LOOKS LIKE.

AND THEN I TASTED IT AND IT TASTED SO WARM AND FRESH AND GOOD AND I THOUGHT, THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER EATEN IN MY WHOLE, WHOLE LIFE.

BUT I WAS RAISED BY AN IRISH WOMAN WHO BOILED EVERYTHING.

SO IT WASN'T SAYING SO MUCH.

IT WAS THE KOOKY COOKIE HOWLS.

- - HOUSE.

IT WAS CAPITAL COURT MALL.

IT WAS MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN.

OUR MEMORIES.

[APPLAUSE] >> I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN ON DECEMBER 25.

I AM GOING TO LEAVE MY CONDO IN DOWNTOWN MILWAUKEE, AND I AM GOING TO DRIVE TO GRAFTON, WISCONSIN, TO MY MOTHER'S TWO BEDROOM, TWO BATHROOM CONDO.

I WILL DRIVE UP WITH MY PARTNER, STEVE, AND I WILL MEET UP WITH MY FIVE BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND HUSBANDS AND WIVES AND NIECES AN NEPHEWS AND THE MOMENT WE WALK INTO MY MOTHER'S CONDO ON CHRISTMAS MORNING AROUND 10:00 A.M., MY MOTHER WILL SAY, ARE YOU GOING TO FIND THE NEW SANTA?

MY MOTHER HAS 68 CERAMIC SANTAS.

SHE GETS A NEW ONE EVERY YEAR FROM THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE IS, YOU NEED TO THANK THE LORD.

IF YOU DO KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET YOU OUT OF THE CONTRACT.

MY MOTHER HASSAN THATS FROM EVERYWHERE.

SHE HAS AN ARCTIC SANTA.

WHO IS AN ALL WHITE SITTING NEXT TO A WHITE SEAL.

SHE HAS AN ISLAND SANTA, SITTING IN A LAWN CHAIR WITH A MARGARITA WITH HIS SHIRT WIDE OPEN.

WHICH I FIND DISTURBING.

SHE HAS A BAR STOOL SANTA.

HE'S SITTING ON A BAR STOOL WITH A MARTINI GLASS, WHICH IS NOT THE MOST DISTURBING PART OF THIS.

HE'S SITTING NEXT TO SOMEBODY AND I SAID, TO MY MOM, WHO IS THAT SITTING NEXT TO SANTA AND MOM SAID, THAT'S HIS ELF.

BECAUSE THE ELF LOOKED LIKE A PERSONAL TRAINER.

HE'S ALL LIKE BEEFED UP AND SANTA IS SIT INTERESTING WITH A MARTINI LOOKING AT HIM LIKE THIS.

SO I SAID TO MY MOM, IS THAT GAY SANTA?

SHE SAID NO.

I SAID WELL AT LEAST IT'S A WHO'S YOUR DADDY SANTA.

TWO YEARS AGO, MY MOTHER GOT IPOD SANTA, SANTA WITH A IPOD AND TWO EAR BUDS AND I SAID MOTHER, THAT'S AN IPOD SANTA SHE SAID WHAT?

AND I SWEAR TO GOD MY MOTHER SAID, OH MY GOD, I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAF.

SO LAST YEAR, I'M AT MY MOTHER'S CONDO IN GRAFTON, IN BETWEEN THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS, WHEN SANTA ARRIVED.

VIA U.P.S.

THE U.P.S.

MAN CAME AND MY MOTHER WENT TO THE DOOR AND SHE CAME BACK AND SHE SAID OH, SANTA'S HERE.

I SAID OPEN IT UP.

SHE SAID NO.

YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS.

FOR CHRISTMAS DAY AND THEN YOU'LL GO LOOK FOR HIM AND I SAID TO MY MOM, I'M 55, I DON'T REALLY GIVE A CRAP, MOM.

JUST LET ME SEE HIM, I PROMISE I WON'T TELL MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

SO SHE PULLED HIM OUT OF THE BOX, AND SHE GAVE A LOOK TO THIS STAND THAT, SUCH A DISAPPOINTED LOOK.

AND SHE TURNED HIM AROUND, IT WAS OBAMA SANTA.

A BLACK SANTA.

MY REPUBLICAN MOTHER LOOKED LIKE SHE WANTED TO POOP.

SHE WAS LIKE -- AND THEN SHE SAID, WHAT WOULD I HAVE GOTTEN IN THE MAIL IF HILLARY CLINTON HAD BEEN ELECTED?

ONCE YOU FIND THE SANTA, IT'S TIME TO GO LOOK AT MY MOTHER'S CRECHE SET.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS, BUT I DID NOT GROW UP KNOWING THAT WORD.

SHE HAS AN 18 PIECE CELTIC CRECHE SET.

WE ONLY KNEW A CRECHE SET AS A MANGER OR A NATIVITY SCENE, BUT CRECHE I DIDN'T KNOW.

WHEN I WAS A KID, MY MOTHER HAD A CRECHE SET THAT WAS A BOX, AND ON THE HAY WAS JOSEPH AND MARY AND JESUS WAS LAYING RIGHT ON THE HAY LIKE THIS.

AND WHEN I WAS A KID, I KEPT THINKING SOMEBODY PICK HIM UP.

LAYING RIGHT IN THE HAY AND MY MOTHER USED THE SAME HAY THAT SHE USED IN HER EASTER BASKETS.

SO I GREW UP BELIEVING JESUS WAS BORN ON PINK HAY.

NOW MY MOTHER HAS THIS 18 PIECE CELTIC CRECHE SET.

EVERY YEAR, A NEW PIECE FROM THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE SO LAST YEAR I SAID LET'S SEE THE NEW CRECHE PIECE MOM AND SHOWED IT AND I SAID LOOK IT'S A WISE MAN.

AND SHE SAID NO, THAT'S A SHEPHERD.

I SAID MOTHER, THAT'S NOT A SHEPHERD, THIS IS A WISE MAN.

SHE SAID HOW CAN YOU TELL?

I SAID HE'S FANCY AND HE'S BEARING A GIFT AND SHE SAID OH, NO.

I SAID MOM, SO NOW LOOK, YOU'VE GOT FOUR WISE MEN.

AND MY MOTHER SAID, OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

EXACTLY, MOTHER.

I SAID, MOTHER, SO WHERE DO YOU THINK THAT FOURTH WISE MAN IS FROM AND WITHOUT MISS AGO BEAT, SHE -- MISSING A BEAT, SHE SAID TOLEDO.

WHAT?

THAT'S WHERE THE BOX WAS POST MARKED.

ONCE YOU SEE HER NEW PIECE FOR THE CELTIC CRECHE SET, IT'S TIME TO GO LOOK AT HER CHRISTMAS TREE.

I WANT IT'S NO LONGER A FRESH CUT TREE, IT'S NO LOCK LONGER A -- LONGER A WHITE PINE TREE.

IT'S A DEAD STICK.

MY MOTHER HAS A DEAD STICK WITH STICK BRANCHES THAT SHE KEEPS IN HER GARAGE IN A PAIL OF DRIED UP MUD.

AND IT'S THERE ALL YEAR.

IT JUST SITS IN HER GARAGE AND THEN AT CHRISTMASTIME, SHE HAULS IT TO THE FAMILY ROOM AND PUTS A TREE SKIRT AROUND IT AND ONE STRANDS OF LITTLE LIGHTS AND THE ORNAMENTS THAT I REMEMBER SO CLEARLY.

AND SO FONDLY.

SHE PUTS ON THE STICK BRANCHES OF THAT DEAD TREE.

AND EVERY YEAR, I SAY MOTHER, WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THIS STICK TREE, THIS IS -- NO, JOHN, NO.

MOTHER, LET'S GET YOU A FRESH CUT TREE NEXT YEAR AND WE'LL -- I'LL COME OVER, WE'LL DECORATE IT, MAKE AN EVENING.

NO, JOHN, NO.

MOTHER, LET'S GET YOU A FAKE TREE AND WE'LL SET IT UP AND WE CAN PUT IT IN YOUR GARAGE AND PUT A BAG OVER IT AND THEN WE CAN JUGS BRING IT.

NO, JOHN.

NO.

BUT MOM, IT'S A STICK AND MY MOTHER SAYS YES, BUT IT'S MY CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS TREE.

WHAT THE HELL YOU SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT.

ONCE YOU LOOK AT THE TREE, IT'S TIME TO GO TO HER LIVING ROOM OR HER KITCHEN, BECAUSE IN BETWEEN THOSE TWO ROOMS, SHE HAS WHAT SHE CALLS HER BREAKFAST BAR AN ON HER BREAKFAST BAR, SHE HAS SET UP HER CHRISTMAS VILLAGE.

PERFECT LITTLE VICTORIAN HOUSES.

AND PERFECT LITTLE SHOPS AND PERFECT LITTLE HOUSES AND SHOPS AND SHOPS AND HOUSES AND PERFECT.

IT LOOKS LIKE DOWNTOWN HARTFORD, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

ALL SET UP AND WHEN SHE GETS IT ALL SET UP, SHE GOES AND GETS HER REINDEER.

AND SHE PLACES THE TWO REINDEER ON EITHER SIDE OF THE VILLAGE AND THE REASON DEER ARE THIS BIG.

AND EVERY YEAR, I SAY.

MOM, YOU KNOLL THE REINDEER COULD EAT THE VILLAGE IN TWO SECONDS AND SHE SAYS, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND SHE GOES AND GETS THE FULL LENGTH MIRROR OFF HER BATHROOM WALL AND SHE PLACES IT IN FRONT OF THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE AND SHE SAYS, THAT'S THE SKATING POND.

NO, MOTHER, THAT'S LAKE MICHIGAN.

AND SHE SAYS, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP.

AND I SAY MOM, NO, HERE'S THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS, MOM.

NONE OF THIS IS TO SCALE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT, YOU KNOW, MAKING IT ALL TO SCALE.

OK, JOHN, RIGHT, JOHN.

THANK YOU, JOHN.

FOR INFORMING ME THAT THIS IS NOT TO SCALE.

LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS, JOHN?

THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS IS THAT I LIKE IT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

SO DO I.

BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT THAT CHRISTMAS VILLAGE THAT IS NEVER EVER TO SCALE, IT'S ABOUT THAT CHRISTMAS STICK THAT IS HOLDING THOSE ORNAMENTS THAT I REMEMBER SO CLEARLY AND FONDLY FROM GROWING UP.

IT'S ABOUT THAT 18-PIECE CELTIC CRECHE SET WITH FOUR WISE MEN.

IT'S ABOUT THOSE 68 CERAMIC SANTAS, BUT MORE THAN THAT, IT'S ABOUT THOSE WHITE PINE TREES THAT STOOD SO STRAIGHT, LOOKING OUT THAT MIDDLE WINDOW OF THAT FIRST FLOOR OF THAT DUPLEX ON BARTLETT AVENUE ON THE EAST SIDE OF THAT CITY, THAT I HAVE ALWAYS, ALWAYS CALLED HOME.

IT'S ABOUT THOSE INCREDIBLY CRAFTED WOODEN TOYS THAT WERE MADE WITH SUCH LOVE AND SUCH CARE BY A MAN WE LOST MUCH, MUCH TOO EARLY.

AND MORE THAN THAT, IT'S ABOUT THE GENERATIONS THAT CAME BEFORE ME AND THE GENERATIONS THAT WILL COME AFTER ME, AND THEIR STORIES AND THEIR JOURNEYS, AND THE IMAGES THAT THEY CHOOSE TO PUT ON THEIR FAMILY WALLS.

AND SO MUCH MORE THAN ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW, IT'S ABOUT MY MOM.

AND ANY FIVE BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND THEIR HUSBANDS AND THEIR WIVES AND MY 10 NIECES AND NEPHEWS AND MY PARTNER STEVE AND I SITTING AROUND A TABLE ON CHRISTMAS DAY BRINGING VOICE AND MEMORY TO THESE TRADITIONS THAT WE CALL OURS.

MY HOPE IS THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU CELEBRATE THIS TIME OF YEAR, THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO SIT AROUND A TABLE WITH THOSE THAT YOU LOVE MOST AND THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO BRING VOICE AND MEMORY TO THOSE TRADITIONS THAT YOU CALL YOURS.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYBODY!

[APPLAUSE] >> THANKS.