(male announcer) PRODUCTION FUNDING FOR RARE VISIONS AND ROADSIDE REVELATIONS HAS BEEN PROVIDED IN PART BY SPRINT: COMMITTED TO THE COMMUNITY, CONNECTING YOU TO THE WORLD.

(man) ♪ WELCOME TO A SHOW ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN SEE ♪ ♪ WITHOUT GOING FAR, AND A LOT OF THEM ARE FREE.

♪ ♪ IF YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS NOTHING ♪ ♪ IN THE OLD HEARTLAND, ♪ ♪ YOU OUGHT TO HIT THE BLACKTOP WITH THESE FOOLS IN A VAN.

♪ ♪ LOOK OUT, THEY'RE DRIVING HARD, ♪ ♪ CHECKING OUT ART IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD.

♪ ♪ RANDY DOES THE STEERING SO HE WON'T HURL.

♪ ♪ MIKE'S GOT THE MAP, SUCH A MAN OF THE WORLD.

♪ ♪ THAT'S DON WITH THE CAMERA, KINDA HEAVY ON HIS SHOULDER.

♪ ♪ AND THAT GIANT BALL OF TAPE, IT'S A WORLD RECORD HOLDER.

♪ ♪ LOOK OUT, THEY'RE DRIVING HARD, ♪ ♪ CHECKING OUT ART IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD.

♪ ♪ LOOK OUT, THEY'RE DRIVIN' HARD, ♪ ♪ CHECKING OUT THE WORLD IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD, ♪ ♪ CHECKING OUT THE WORLD IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD.

♪ ♪ THE PRINCIPAL HEARD YOU WERE COMING, AND HE'S GONE ACROSS THE STREET.

(Don) DEAR TV MAILBAG, ARE WE LATE FOR CLASS?

HI, DON THE CAMERA GUY HERE, SUMMONED TO THE HOLY CROSS LUTHERAN SCHOOL BY AN EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE CLASS TO PROVE THAT OUR BALL OF VIDEOTAPE IS INDEED THE WORLD'S LARGEST.

(Mike) HELLO.

(Randy) HELLO.

(Don) INNOCENT AS THEY MAY APPEAR, THEIR PLAN IS TO DETHRONE US, AND SURE ENOUGH, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH IS NOW ARRIVED.

(Randy) OH!

UH-OH.

UH-OH.

(Mike) OH , WE'VE BE EN WHOOPED.

OH.

(Don) NO, IT'S NOT LOOKIN' GOOD, BUT, TV WEASELS BEIN' WHAT THEY ARE, THEY'RE TAKIN' CORE SAMPLES AND ALL KINDS OF WEIGHTS AND MEASURES AND DUBIOUS DATA, AND IT STILL COMES OUT THE SAME: BAD.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

(Mike) WE'VE BEEN WHOOPED IN EVERY DIRECTION.

WHOOPED IN EVERY DIRECTION.

(Don) NOW, I COULD BRING UP CHILD LABOR LAWS AND STANDARDIZED TESTS, BUT THAT WOULD BE WRONG.

BESIDES, JOHN, THE EVIL GENIUS BEHIND ALL THIS, MAINTAINS WE HAVE ONLY OURSELVES TO BLAME.

(John) AND AFTER I SAW YOUR EPISODE WHERE YOU WENT TO THE WHEEL DRIVE-IN, THERE YOU SAT AT THAT WONDERFUL COUNTER, HELD THAT GOOBER BURGER IN YOUR HAND, AND LOOKED AT IT AND SAID, "NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN EAT THIS," I KNEW THEN THAT YOU HAD TO GO DOWN.

(all) ZEBRA, HIPPO, LION, APE.

WE HAVE THE BIGGEST BALL OF TAPE TAPE.

OOH, AH, THE BIGGEST BALL OF TAPE.

OOH, AH, THE BIGGEST BALL OF TAPE.

WHOO!

(Don) NOW, THAT'S NOT ONLY HUMILIATING; IT MEANS MORE WORK TOO.

NOW WE'LL HAVE TO CHANGE THE SONG.

HIT IT, KELLY.

(Kelly) ♪ THAT'S DON WITH THE CAMERA, KINDA HEAVY ON HIS SHOULDER.

♪ ♪ THAT GIANT BALL OF TAPE IS NOT A WORLD RECORD HOLDER.

♪ ♪ (Don) SO OFF WE GO INTO THE WILDS OF NORTHWEST MISSOURI, WHERE NO ONE KNOWS OUR SHAME AND WHERE IT APPEARS RANDY DOESN'T QUITE KNOW WHERE HE'S HEADED EITHER.

I THINK WE JUST PASSED IT.

REALLY?

WELL, I SAW SOMETHING PRETTY INTERESTING IN A YARD BACK THERE.

LOOKED LIKE A LITTLE STONE THING.

YEAH, PROBABLY WAS IT, MIKEY.

WAY TO GO.

WELL, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SHOUT, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE WE JUST DROVE RIGHT BY IT.

(Don) YES, RANDY IS A MASTER OF GOING PAST 'ER, AND WHAT HE WENT PAST THIS TIME IS RIGHT HERE IN BILL CRABB'S FRONT YARD, A MONUMENT TO HIS LATE WIFE, VIRGINIA, THAT ACTUALLY DOES BEAR HER EARTHLY REMAINS.

(Randy) HAD YOU SEEN A CASTLE WITH SOMEBODY'S ASHES IN IT BEFORE?

NO, IT WAS JUST AN IDEA I COME UP WITH.

I WAS LOOKIN' THROUGH A MAGAZINE AND SAW THAT CASTLE OF WALT DISNEY.

AND I THOUGHT, "THAT'S IT."

(Mike) SO NOW YOUR WIFE'S TAKING THE BIG TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD, KINDA.

HUH?

(Mike) SH E'S KINDA TAKING THE BI G TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD.

(Randy) NOW, PEOPLE AROUND KIDDER MUST HAVE THOUGHT THAT WAS UNUSUAL WHEN YOU PUT VIRGINIA'S ASHES OUT FRONT.

(Bill) OH, WELL, THEY THINK THAT WHAT BILL CRABB DOES IS UNUSUAL ANYWAY.

(Don) BILL GATHERED THE ROCKS FOR THIS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.

AND WE WOULD HAVE LOOKED LONGER, BUT THAT RAIN HAS COME TO STAY.

SO NOW, WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR LUNCH INSTEAD, AND MIKE SAYS, "HOW ABOUT GALLATIN?"

(Mike) ♪ GALLATIN, OH, GALLATIN.

♪ ♪ (Don) "WE CAN GO TO McDONALD'S."

THEN I SAY, "NO WAY."

AND HE SAYS, "NOT THAT ONE.

"McDONALD'S TEA ROOM, "WHERE DUNCAN HINES HIMSELF USED TO LOVED STOPPING-- JUST NOT LATELY."

(Randy) "SORRY."

(Mike) CLOSED.

(Randy) "WE'RE CLOSED."

PERHAPS ANOTHER CAFE WILL HAVE TO DO, DONNY.

(Don) PERHAPS I'M JUST PESSIMISTIC, BUT THIS VEGETARIAN SUSPECTS THAT THE RESULTING GRILLED CHEESE WILL BE THE FIRST OF MANY TO COME.

STILL, YOU GOTTA HAVE FUEL TO DO WHAT THESE PRODUCERS WANT ME TO DO, AND I SUPPOSE THAT'S WHAT THE BIG PUMP WAS ALL ABOUT, AS WELL, STANDING FOR YEARS IN MARYVILLE, TILL KING CITY DECIDED THEY WANTED IT WORSE.

SO NOW IT'S OUT HERE FOR US TO DRIVE BY, AND HAVING DRIVEN BY IT, WE'RE HEADING ON UP THE ROAD INTO IOWA FOR MORE GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES AND AT LEAST ONE MORE HARD-TO-SHOOT-IN-THE-RAIN PHOTO OP.

(Randy) I'M STANDING ON ONE OF THE STREETS OF STANTON, IOWA, WHERE VIRGINIA CHRISTINE, MRS. OLSEN, WAS BORN.

PERHAPS SHE GREW UP HERE, HER FORMATIVE YEARS FORMED IN THE SHADOW OF THIS VERY WATER TOWER.

(Don) YOU GUYS ARE OUT OF IDEAS, AREN'T YOU?

[chuckles] YOU'RE OUT OF COFFEE, IDEAS, AND IT'D BE A BETTER SHOW IF YOU WERE OUT OF FILM.

(Randy) SHE WAS GUIDING US TO THE FOUNTAIN.

(Don) NOW, TO THE NAKED EYE, IT MIGHT APPEAR WE'RE MERELY CIRCLING JOHN BROWN PARK, BUT THE BOYS ASSURE ME WE'RE ACTUALLY TAKING CARE OF SOME UNFINISHED BUSINESS HERE IN HUMBOLDT.

SEEMS THAT FOUNTAIN IN THE MIDDLE IS A DOBBERSTEIN, THAT IS, BUILT BY THE SAME CATHOLIC PRIEST WHO GAVE US THAT MEGASITE IN WEST BEND, THE GROTTO OF THE REDEMPTION THAT KNOCKED OUR SOCKS OFF SOME YEARS AGO.

(Mike) RIGHT THERE; DON'S GOT A SHOT FROM-- NOW HE'S GOT THE TREE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

(Don) RIGHT IN THE WAY.

THAT'S PERFECT.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

FATHER DOBBERSTEIN, YOU KNOW, HE BUILT THIS FOUNTAIN AS A MEMORIAL TO FAY HESSIAN, A YOUNG GIRL FROM HUMBOLDT.

THE MARBLE STATUE IN THE CENTER OF THE FOUNTAIN IS A STATUE OF FAY.

DOBBERSTEIN WAS A BUILDING MANIAC, 'CAUSE WHILE HE WAS BUILDING YOU KNOW--HOW MANY MILES AWAY?

30 MILES AWAY-- HUGE THING, STILL GOT TIME TO JUST RUN OVER AND TOSS OFF ONE OF THESE.

(Mike) HE'S MAKING THIS STUFF IN THE WINTERTIME IN THE BASEMENT OVER AT THE CHURCH AND THEN SHIPPING IT OUT AND HAVING IT INSTALLED ON SITE.

AND YOU CAN SEE THAT WITH THE LINES.

I THINK, YOU KNOW, IT'S PUT IN IN SECTIONS.

(Don) DO NOT BE FOOLED.

MOST OF WHAT THESE GUYS SOUND LIKE THEY KNOW IS COMING FROM A BOOK, IN THIS CASE, A PARTICULARLY FINE ONE BY LISA STONE WHICH WE RECOMMEND HEARTILY.

IN FACT, FROM IT, WE'VE LEARNED OF YET ANOTHER SMALL PIECE OF DOBBERSTEINIANA CLOSE BY, A WORLD WAR II MEMORIAL IN OLD ROLFE-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH NEW ROLFE-- WHICH, BELIEVE ME, IS CONFUSING ENOUGH TO MAKE TRYING TO FIND IT AN ADVENTURE IN ITSELF.

(Mike) HERE'S THE MEMORIAL, RIGHT HERE.

FIRST POCAHONTAS COUNTY COURTHOUSE SITE.

(Randy) LOOK, DONNY, IT'S THE WAR MEMORIAL.

THERE WAS--THERE WAS SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

WE WEREN'T JUST MAKING IT UP.

WE WEREN'T JUST DRIVING AROUND ENDLESSLY ON IOWA COUNTRY ROADS FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

(Don) HE PROBABLY WHIPPED THIS OUT IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

(Randy) TECHNICAL TERM FOR THIS WOULD BE THE BIG HONKIN' PIECE OF PETRIFIED WOOD HERE.

(Don) THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT: PEACE.

GIVE BIG, HONKIN' PEACE A CHANCE.

(Don) IT WAS ABOUT THIS TIME THAT AN ALMOST BIBLICAL PLAGUE OF GNATS SPURRED US TO GO BACK TO THE GROTTO TO REMIND OURSELVES WHY IT'S SOMETIMES CALLED "THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD" AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, MAKE A FEW IMPULSE PURCHASES AT THE GIFT SHOP.

(Randy) WHAT'D YOU GET?

I GOT GROTTO PLAYING CARDS-- ONLY FOR PLAYING OLD MAID.

WHOA.

HERE'S THAT--HERE'S THAT RECEIPT TO CHARGE THE STATION.

OH, HO, HO, YEAH.

(Don) WELL, YOU KNOW, HOW COULD YOU RESIST YOUR LITTLE GROTTO?

THERE IT IS.

THERE IT IS.

SNOWING AT THE GROTTO.

(Don) AND JUST LIKE THAT, OUR TIME IN IOWA IS OVER, CHASING THE PILOT CAR RIGHT ON UP TO THE SOUTH SIDE OF MINNESOTA.

AND OH, MY GOODNESS, HAS MY LUCK ACTUALLY CHANGED?

(Mike) ARE WE AT A BREWERY OR SOMETHING?

THE SHELL BREWERY; THAT'S THE SECOND OLDEST.

MAN, LET'S GO.

(Don) FORGET ABOUT EATING.

SOME TASTY ADULT BEVERAGES WOULD JUST HIT THE SPOT.

(Mike) THEY'VE EVEN GOT A MUSEUM OF BREWING.

(Randy) BUT LOOK-- OH, LOOK WHAT TIME IT IS.

(Mike) OH, WE GOT TO GET GOING.

HURRY UP!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COME ON!

(Don) WAIT.

OH, WAIT FOR ME.

(Mike) DON'T HIT THAT DEAD BRANCH.

(Don) LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER DREAM DEFERRED.

DON'T THINK I WON'T FORGET IT.

(Mike) HOP ON IN.

(Don) THOUGH, THE TRUTH IS, WE NEED TO MAKE IT TO DARWIN TO SEE THEIR PRIZE POSSESSION WHILE THE SUN STILL SHINES.

THERE'S YOUR DAMN WATER TOWER.

YES, IT'S THE OTHER BIG BALL OF TWINE, NOT AS LARGE OR AS HEAVY AS OUR HERO IN KANSAS, BUT IN THE BOOKS, WITH AN ASTERISK NONETHELESS.

(Don) "BY 1 MAN."

(Don) THAT MAN WAS FRANCIS JOHNSON, AND WHEN HE WAS DONE WINDIN', HIS BALL ENDED UP WITH A MAILBOX, SUNROOM, AND EVEN A SONG BY 'WEIRD AL' YANKOVIC SUNG ABOUT IT.

(Mike) OH, LOOK, YOU CAN SMELL THE AROMA.

OH, THAT SMELLS LIKE MY GRANDFATHER'S BARN.

(women) YEAH.

(Randy) MR .

JOHNSON, HE WAS A NICE GUY?

SURE HE WAS.

(Randy) TELL US ABOUT HIM.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW HIM REAL WELL.

(woman) HE WAS OLD AND ECCENTRIC.

(Don) THIS IS NO WAY TO CONDUCT AN TELEVISION INTERVIEW, FOLKS.

(Randy) THIS IS ALL DONE-- (Charlie) BY HAND.

HE STARTED WITH TWO FINGERS.

(Randy) SHOW ME HOW.

HE HAD TO TIE A KNOT EVERY TIME.

(Janice) HE HAD A RAILROAD JACK, AND HE'D JACK IT UP AND WIND IT AROUND IT.

(Charlie) AFTER IT GOT SO LARGE, THEN HE COULDN'T ROLL IT ANYMORE, AND THEN HE USED THE OLD BOXCAR JACK.

IS IT OKAY IF I DRINK COFFEE AROUND THE BALL?

(Janice) WELL, RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THEY CAME FROM CANADA, AND THEY WANTED TO TAKE THE BALL OF TWINE HOME WITH THEM.

BECAUSE FRANCIS--THEY SAID FRANCIS HAD PROMISED THEM THAT THEY COULD HAVE IT WHEN HE DIED.

THEY DIDN'T GET IT.

SO THEN, AFTER THAT, THEY HAD ONE BUILT.

(Mike) THAT'S NOT FAIR.

THAT'S LIKE--THAT'S LIKE GETTING THE EIGHTH GRADERS FROM THE LOCAL SCHOOL TO WORK ON-- (Randy) OH , A BIG BALL OF VIDEOTAPE?

BALL OF VIDEOTAPE, LET'S SAY, FOR, LIKE, THREE YEARS.

(Don) YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS HEADED, CAN'T YOU?

THE INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF BIG BALL RUNNER-UPS MEETS HERE.

(Mike) I FEEL CAMARADERIE, RIGHT HERE.

(Don) AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN, SECOND PLACE DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD AFTER ALL.

(Randy) CAN YOU SAY LOOPHOLE?

(Mike) YEAH, LOOPHOLE.

(Janice) REAL TWINE OR PLASTIC TWINE?

[horse chuffs] [water dripping] (Randy) DON'T YOU THINK IT'D BE BETTER IF THE HANGING PLANTS WERE HANGING, DON?

(Don) WHERE I COME FROM, THEY SHOULD BE.

(Randy) MAYBE IT'S A MINNESOTA THING TO JUST LEAVE THEM ON THE GROUND.

DO YOU THINK THE YELLOW'S BETTER HERE, OR SHOULD I MOVE-- THIS ONE'S KIND OF LEGGY-- I THINK, ANYWAY.

[claps] READY?

SHOULD WE GO MAKE SOME TELEVISION?

SHOULD WE ENLIGHTEN AMERICA ABOUT MORE OF THE COOL THINGS THAT ARE OUT THERE IF YOU GET OFF THE MAIN ROADS?

IS IT TIME?

(Don) TIME TO GO MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL.

(Randy) INDEED.

(Don) THAT'S MY CLEVER WAY OF TELLIN' YOU OUR NEXT DESTINATION, THOUGH THE EXACT LOCATION OF THE MOLEHILL CANNOT BE REVEALED.

WHILE IT DEFIES EASY EXPLANATION, IT CAN BE DESCRIBED AS A GARDEN OF GRANITE GROWN BY ONE LOUIE WIPPICH.

LOUIE FOLLOWED THEOSOPHY.

IN FACT, HE EVEN WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT, WHICH, HAD WE READ IT, MIGHT HELP EXPLAIN WHAT WE'RE SEEIN'.

(man) FOR LOUIE, THERE WAS-- REINCARNATION WAS AN IMPORTANT PART OF IT AND THE COMBINATION OF VARIOUS RELIGIONS, OF CHRISTIANITY, OF EASTERN RELIGIONS, OF NATIVE AMERICAN RELIGIONS, AND HE SPENT A LOT OF TIME WRITING TOO.

HE WOULD WRITE THESE LONG ARTICLES, AND THEN SEND THEM OFF TO CHICAGO.

AS FAR AS I KNOW, HE WAS REJECTED.

EVERYTHING HE SENT IN WAS SENT BACK.

I THINK HE ONLY MADE IT TO THE THIRD GRADE, AND I DON'T KNOW IF HE FINISHED.

BUT HE WAS REALLY A GENIUS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE PUTTING THIS STONE UP 60 OR 70 YEARS AGO WITH NO HYDRAULICS?

IT HAD TO BE JACKED OR LEVERED, AND HOW DO YOU GET IT IN HERE?

(Ted) HE HAD LOTS OF HELP FROM NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS, AND HE PAID THEM A PITTANCE, BUT HE PAID THEM.

(Don Manea) ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS HE DID WAS TO MAKE THAT STONE WALL, AND MY UNCLE HELPED HIM HAUL THE FIELDSTONE IN FOR THAT.

HE SAID, "I COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WAS GONNA BUILD."

BUT HE JUST KEPT ON GOIN'.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS WAS, FULL OF WATER?

LOOK AT THIS PLACE-- 'CAUSE THAT WA S ALL A POND.

AND THOSE WERE STEPPING STONES ACROSS.

(Don Manea) YOU KNOW, AND HE MADE IT ALL OUT OF CAST-OFF, THROWAWAY STUFF.

IF YOU LOOK AT MOST OF THE PIECES, THEY GOT FLAWS IN 'EM.

LIKE, THERE'S A KNOT THERE.

YOU KNOW, YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO USE THAT.

OR HERE'S A DARK SPOT, AND, YOU KNOW, THIS CRYSTAL GOIN' THROUGH THERE.

MOST OF THIS STUFF IS ALL STUFF THAT HAD SOME TYPE OF FLAW IN IT THAT YOU COULDN'T USE IN A REGULAR BUILDING.

(Randy) WELL, THERE'S A LITTLE, SORT OF, FLINTSTONE FEEL, BUT MORE OF IT IS-- THAT ALMOST ROMAN RUINS.

(Mike) YEAH.

FLINTSTONE IS AN OFFICIAL HISTORIC PERIOD, ISN'T IT?

THIS, I DO NOT KNOW WHERE LOUIE GOT THIS.

THIS JUST APPEARED, AND WE CALL IT THE SERPENT STONE UP HERE.

(Randy) I HAVE A FEW WORD THIS MORNING ABOUT BASEBALL.

WHEN I BROUGHT STUDENTS OVER, HE WOULD--HE WOULD ORDER THEM UP THERE.

HE SAID, "BEFORE YOU TAKE A TOUR OF THE GARDEN, YOU MUST GO UP THERE AND GIVE YOUR SERMON."

WE'RE NOT BRINGING IN RELIEVER.

(Ted) SO, ONE AT A TIME, THE STUDENTS WOULD GO UP AND MEEKLY SAY A FEW WORDS, AND HE WOULD CHASTISE THEM ABOUT THEIR MEEKNESS.

HE WAS THE GUY IN THE-- IN THE ROCK GARDEN.

WE USED TO--WHEN I WAS A LITTLE SMALLER, WE USED TO CRAWL UP HERE, AND HE HAD THESE BIG GOLDFISH IN THE POND.

AND WE USED TO BRING OUR FISHIN' RODS AND STUFF.

AND WE'D CATCH THE FISH AND REEL 'EM UP AND UNHOOK 'EM AND THROW 'EM IN THE POND.

AND A COUPLE TIMES HE CAUGHT US DOIN' THAT, YOU KNOW, AND HE'D YELL AT US, AND WE'D TAKE OFF RUNNIN'.

(Ted) I WAS STRUCK BY HIS DESIRE TO JUST MAGICALLY TURN THINGS-- ONE THING INTO SOMETHING ELSE.

(Mike) IT WAS ABOUT REINCARNATION AND THEOSOPHY, I GUESS, WHICH I DON'T REALLY QUITE UNDERSTAND, BUT-- THEY SAID HE MIGHT COME BACK AS A BIRD AND HANG OUT IN THE TOP OF THAT.

(Ted) A LOT OF BIRDS STILL FLY AROUND THAT, AND SO WHENEVER I COME TO DON'S PLACE, I LOOK UP AND ALWAYS WONDER.

WELL, I ALWAYS, "HI, LOUIE."

(Don Manea) WELL, IT JUST MARVELS ME HOW THE MAN, EVEN WITH 40 YEARS OF WORKIN', COULD DO THIS.

'CAUSE I BEEN WORKIN' ON IT 25 YEARS, 27 YEARS NOW.

I MEAN, IT'S-- THE ROCKS ALWAYS WIN.

(Don) TALK ABOUT AMBITION, BESIDES SPRUCIN' UP AND CLEARIN' OUT LOUIE'S HEAVY HANDIWORK, DON HAS BUILT HIS OWN HOUSE O' GRANITE ON THE SITE, THOUGH FOR SAFETY REASONS, HE'D PREFER YOU NOT COME NOSIN' AROUND.

SO NOW OUR NOSES ARE POINTIN' NORTH TOWARDS A GLORIOUSLY RECREATIONAL LAND OF LAKES AND BUNYANS, INCLUDING A GIANT TALKING ONE BACK THERE.

BUT, WOULDN'T YOU KNOW, THERE'S A SMALL ADMISSION FEE.

SO ALL OF A SUDDEN, THESE CHEEP PRODUCERS HAVE A BETTER IDEA IN MIND.

(Mike) PEOPLE SAID THIS PAUL BUNYAN STATUE DIDN'T EXIST.

(Randy) AH, WE FOUND IT.

(Mike) TOWERIN' OVER THE FOREST.

(Randy) OH, YEAH.

OH, MAN.

(Don) HEY.

HEY, HEY.

LEAVE IT TO WEASELS TO LURE ME ASTRAY SPEAKIN' OF WHICH, ALL THIS WATER DOES TEND TO ATTRACT A GREAT MANY FANS OF FISHIN', WHICH, IN TURN, HAS GIVEN OTIS LAEL, WHO LIVES NOT FAR FROM BRAINERD, A GREAT COTTAGE INDUSTRY WHICH HE PRACTICES BACK HERE IN HIS GARAGE.

(Otis) MY OLDEST SON CAME HOME ONE DAY AND SAID, "CAN YOU MAKE ONE OF THESE, DAD?"

AND I SAID, "YEAH, WHAT IS IT?"

AND HE SAID, "IT'S A FISH DECOY."

THEY DROP HIM DOWN THROUGH HOLE IN THE ICE, AND WHEN THE BIG FISH COMES IN FOR LUNCH, THEY SPEAR HIM.

THIS ONE HERE IS A PIT BULL DOGFISH.

EVERYBODY CAN IMAGINE A HAMMERHEAD FISH.

YOU'VE ALL ATE TUNA.

WELL, THIS IS A CANNED FISH.

(Randy) ANYBODY ELSE MAKIN' DECOYS THAT LOOK LIKE THIS?

(Otis) NOBODY MAKES ONE THAT LOOKS ANYWHERE NEAR LIKE MINE.

MOST OF THESE GUYS MAKE A DECOY THAT LOOKS LIKE IT JUST COME OUT OF THE LAKE.

I MAKE 'EM MORE FOR FUN.

SOME OF 'EM ARE USED FOR DECOYS, TO CATCH FISH.

MOST OF 'EM ARE USED TO CATCH TOURISTS.

THERE'S A SNAKE.

THIS ONE'S GOT SPRINGS IN IT.

THIS IS VIRGIN OLIVE OIL.

VIRGIN, OF COURSE, MEANS UNUSED.

AND EXTRA VIRGIN MEANS UNUSED TWICE.

(Randy) I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS ICE FISHING.

HOW DUMB DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GO SIT IN A SHACK OUT ON THE ICE AND WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN?

WELL, THIS EXCITES SOME PEOPLE, BUT IT DON'T EXCITE ME.

THIS ONE HERE IS A HOLSTEIN COW FISH.

THIS IS JESSE VENTURA: BALD HEAD, BIG BLUE EYES, SHARP TEETH AND KNOWS HOW TO USE 'EM.

I JUST TAKE ANYTHING I CAN GET AND ADD TO IT.

(Randy) ARE YOU ALWAYS OUT IN PEOPLE'S DUMPSTERS, LOOKIN' FOR THINGS?

WHERE DOES ALL THIS COME FROM?

(Otis) I PAY $50 OR SO RECYCLING TAX, SO I FEEL FREE TO GO UP TO THE RECYCLING BIN, AND ANYTHING THEY GOT THAT I WANT, I TAKE.

YOU REALLY NEVER KNOW.

ONE PERSON WILL COME ALONG AND LOOK AT YOUR STUFF AND SAY, "HMM, WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP."

AND THE NEXT PERSON COMES ALONG AND SAYS, "I FOUND AN ARTIST."

SO BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER, THEY SAY, AND YOU NEVER KNOW.

bonk woof (Randy) HERE'S OUR CHANCE TO GET LOST IN A BIG CITY.

YEAH, WE HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN THE WHOLE TRIP.

(Don) NOW, MINNESOTA IS NOT ALL LAKES AND FARMLANDS.

WE ARE, IN FACT, PASSING THROUGH SOME OF ITS URBAN GRITTINESS ON OUR WAY TO FIND A WOMAN NAMED THEKLA.

THEKLA'S HUSBAND, WERNER MUENSES, WAS ALWAYS PUTTIN' STUFF ON THEIR OTHERWISE ORDERLY GERMAN HOME.

WERNER HAS PASSED AWAY NOW, BUT THE STUFF IS STILL VERY MUCH THERE TO SEE.

(Thekla) HE DID EVERYTINK.

AND HE'D TAKE A STONE, AND HE'D TAKE A LOOK.

"OH, DAT'S GOOD FOR DIS."

THEN HE GOES AND PAINT.

HE MAKE THE VINDMILL.

IT JUST LIKE IN GERMANY.

OU TAKE A LOOK ON THE BOTTOM-- HE HAD SO MUCH TALENT IN HIS HANDS.

HE CAN DO--ANYTINK HE DREAM ABOUT TO DO, HE WAS DOING.

OH, DAT'S A WATERMILL.

(Mike) WHEN IT RAINS.

(Thekla) IF IT RAINS, IT COMES AND TURNS AROUND HERE.

(Randy) I LOVE THE MAILBOX.

(Mike) THAT IS REALLY SOMETHING.

HE DID A LITTLE WORK ON THE ROOF TOO.

(Randy) THAT'S A CHARIOT, ISN'T IT?

(Thekla) YEP.

SHE WATCHES THE FLAG.

(Mike) SHE'S THE FLAG GUARD.

(Thekla) YEP.

(Don) THAT LOOKS LIKE MONICA LEWINSKY... [laughter] WITH THAT LITTLE BERET THERE.

DAT'S A GOOD ONE.

(Mike) THERE'S KIND OF A DEER HIDING IN THE BUSHES.

THE DEER.

HE LIKES HORSES.

THAT'S A CHICKEN.

THAT'S KUKURYKU!

KUKURYKU!

[Mike imitates rooster] KUKURYKU!

[laughs] (Mike) WELL, HE MUST HAVE BEEN FUN TO LIVE WITH.

(Thekla) YEAH, YEAH, HE WAS A GOOD ONE.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

(Don) THEKLA ADMITS IT'S HARDER AND HARDER TO KEEP ALL THIS IN SHAPE.

(Thekla) JUST FINE.

(Don) AND SUDDENLY, THOSE PRODUCERS SEEM UNUSUALLY WILLING TO ACTUALLY DO A LITTLE WORK, WHICH I SHOULD DOCUMENT FOR THEIR PERMANENT RECORDS.

(Mike) YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO PULL THIS-- YOU GOT A-- THERE YOU GO.

YOU GOT A LEAF THAT-- HE'S STILL PULLIN' WEEDS.

HE CAN'T STOP.

(Don) ONCE RANDY HAD FIGURED OUT WERNER'S COFFEE DISPOSAL SYSTEM-- EVEN TV WEASELS.

(Don) WE SET OUT FOR THE HEART OF THE CITY TO PLAY SOME CATCH ALONG THE BANKS OF THE MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI WHILE PAYING TRIBUTE TO OUR FAVORITE FULL-FIGURED MINNESOTA TWIN.

LOOK AT THAT.

(Mike) SHOW THE GOOD FOLKS AT HOME THE KIRBY PUCKETT.

KIRBY PUCKETT GLOVE.

AH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO SHOPPING IF RANDY DOESN'T CATCH IT.

(Randy) WELL, THEY GOT THAT GREAT MALL HERE.

(Don) WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT IT?

WHOA!

(Don) ONCE AGAIN, BEING LUCKIER THAN GOOD PAID OFF AS MIKE CHASED THAT BALL DOWN THE STEPS TO OUR DAY'S FINAL DESTINATION.

ASTUTE VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW MAY RECALL, WE'VE SEARCHED BEFORE FOR A MUSEUM OF QUACKERY, AND FINALLY, WE HAVE FOUND IT.

THOUGH BOB THE CURATOR IS OFF ON SABBATICAL, THERE'S NO SHORTAGE HERE OF CLEVER CONTRAPTIONS MADE AND MARKETED BY ALL KINDS OF QUACKS AND CHARLATANS.

(James) A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF THE DEVICES WE HAVE HERE WERE SEIZED BY THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION, AND SO A NUMBER OF THEM ARE ON PERMANENT LOAN FROM THE F.D.A.

OR THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION.

RANDY IS SITTING IN ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS DEVICES WE HAVE AT THE MUSEUM OF QUESTIONABLE MEDICAL DEVICES.

THIS AN AUTHENTIC ORGONE ENERGY ACCUMULATOR.

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST LOW-TECH DEVICES WE HAVE, AND NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

WHAT YOU'RE SITTING UNDER HERE IS ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR DEVICES WE HAVE IN THE MUSEUM.

IT'S A PSYCHOGRAPH, AND IT FOLLOWS THE IDEAS OF PHRENOLOGY.

AND THE THEORY IS THAT YOUR HEAD IS DIVIDED INTO ABOUT 30 DIFFERENT REGIONS.

MOST PEOPLE WHO WORKED AS PHRENOLOGISTS RESTED THEIR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD, AND THAT TOOK ABOUT AN HOUR.

SO THIS IS A BIG LABOR-SAVING DEVICE.

THE IDEA IS THAT YOU NEED YOUR BODY TO BE SHAKEN UP REGULARLY JUST TO MAINTAIN YOUR HEALTH.

[machine humming] THIS IS--THIS IS PART OF THE ALLURE.

IT'S ONE OF SEVERAL BUST DEVELOPERS THAT WE HAVE.

(Randy) SOME THINGS, THE ADS ARE JUST BETTER THAN THE DEVICES.

(James) THAT'S TRUE.

(Randy) I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT.

(James) YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE-- (Randy) THAT HEATS ME UP.

(James) THIS IS A BLOOD RUB.

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR HAIR GROWERS WE HAVE.

[buzzing] HOW DOES THIS FEEL?

YEAH, BABY.

AND MOST PEOPLE COMPLAIN.

YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON WHO'S EVER DESCRIBED THIS AS ACTUALLY FEELING GOOD.

THE IDEA IS THAT BY USING VIOLET LIGHTS PLUS RADIO WAVES AND MAGNETISM, THE MACHINE REVERSES THE AGING PROCESS.

(Mike) WELL, LET'S FIRE IT UP AND SEE IF IT'S GONNA WORK ON HER.

WELL, IT'S ALREADY BEEN WORKING.

(Mike) OH, IT'S RUNNING.

IT'S RUNNING.

(Mike) BUT SHE'S ONLY GETTING YOUNGER ON THE BOTTOM HALF.

(Randy) WHOA.

AND YOU'RE SAYING THIS DOESN'T WORK?

(James) NO, IT DOESN'T WORK.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK WE 'VE EVER HAD IT ON THIS LONG.

GET THE KIRBY PUCKETT SHOT.

(Mike) HEY, IT'S THE KIRBY PUCKETT MACHINE.

(Don) NOW, IF BEING BOUNCED AROUND ACTUALLY TOOK OFF POUNDS, AFTER 5,000 MILES IN THE BACK OF A MINIVAN, I'D WEIGH 110, AND I DON'T, BUT I AM STILL DON THE CAMERA GUY, SIGNING OFF.

Captioning provided by KCPT Television.

Captioning by Tate atCaptionMax www.captionmax.com (all) OOH, AH, THE BIGGEST BALL OF TAPE.

OOH, AH, THE BIGGEST BALL OF TAPE.

(Mike) HERE, YOU JUST DO THIS SHOW, OKAY?

WE'RE JUST GONNA LEAVE.

LET'S GO.

GIVE HIM THAT CAMERA.

(John) NOW, IT TAKES THREE OF YOU.

(Randy) NO, NO, IT'S YOUR SHOW NOW.

YOU GUYS, YOU GOT A BIG BALL.

CARRY ON.

WATCH OUT--WATCH OUT FOR THE BAD MOTELS.

YEAH, SEE YOU, JOHN.

I HATE GETTIN' WHOOPED BY EIGHTH GRADERS.

I NEVER EVEN GOT PAST THE EIGHTH GRADE.

YOU'D THINK THESE EIGHTH GRADERS WOULD HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN WIND OUT A BALL OF VIDEOTAPE.

ESPECIALLY ONE THAT HAS FOREIGN OBJECTS INSIDE IT.

I DON'T FOR A SECOND BELIEVE THAT THAT'S PURE TAPE.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU CALL ME ONCE, DON?

(Don) UH, THE MASTER OF DRIVIN' PAST 'ER.

I THINK I JUST PROVED IT AGAIN.

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